Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I was reading another post and this question popped into my head. I've already left, but it took me 36 yrs physically and another 4 yrs emotionally to leave. This is based solely on my life experience, but I suspect that at least some of it is fairly universal.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
SEDONA- "the only reason you stay is you feel sorry for them."
or worried they'll relapse/kill themselves/hurt someone else if you do leave.
when you wait for him to leave a voicemail when he calls so you can gage the tone of his voice. cuz you can read it like a pro. when you hear the tense/deep/ not approving tone or the eerily sweet one that alerts you that abuse is coming... and you just tense up
even worse, when you do hear a "bad alert" tone, you call back even faster cuz you know he can't be kept waiting when he's like this... and you brace yourself to "just get it over with"
TWILERGIRL- when you're only "allowed" to see designated approved friends, on limited time, usually only family members or other women he knows who are "in check" by their abusive men...
when you only bring your friends around him who "know the drill"- what to talk about, how to dress, what topics to avoid, to not set him off. usually girls who are in a similiar sitch...
PHOENIX- when you have to talk him down from killing people or breaking the law, and thats an easy night (at least its not you)...
when you have to pretend to be as mad as he is about something stupid/someone innocent, even though you dont agree, because if you don't it'll turn on you...
or he'll say if you arent mad you are an idiot or just as bad as them, or maybe cheating somehow...
when differences in opinion mean you must be stupid, missing the point, or have poor judgment...
when you cant even confide in the man in your life when you are sexually harrassed or assaulted at work because he'll say it was your fault and further his point about how you shouldnt work/leave the house...
FLUERINA- your story about the picture smiling (before he was around) and "mommy, you're not like this anymore"... i saw old pics of myself with light in my face, that glow...
RAINY ANGEL- when you arent allowed to even interact with males in public but he has plenty of girl friends he constantly talks to and spend time with...
when he says "no its not that i dont trust you, its just that i know how guys think- and they all want to just fuck you. no man is interested in you for your brains/talent/etc, they just want to fuck you. i dont think that way babe, but they do..."
JOELY- rushing to turn off the tv/getting off the phone/getting rid of your food when you hear him coming home so you dont get in trouble for "doing nothing" "talking with your slut friends and other guys" or "eating that crap"...
when you know all his stupid weird "rules"...
CLEAR PATH- when YOU apologize for bringing up what HE did to you because its clearly making him soooo upset....
when you find youself lying about completely trivial things or changing little things because its not worth it to possibly set him off...
when there are COMPLETELY different rules for you and him...
when his friends say things like "control your chick"...
when he calls random people in traffic racist, sexist, hateful names...
I hope he will also be my final abuser.
As I have said before, if I had read this 4 years ago, I would have had the guts to walk away.
Thanks to DS and the wonderful and strong women who are members.
when you suffer in extreme illness, physically, emotionally, & in all aspects, & he turns his back, completely have nothing to do with you, & go out party with his friends & have a good time, it's time to leave.
when he sells you out & sacrifices you in order to gain in his business & social interests & all other benefits, it's time to leave.
when he prioritizes every & any tiny person or thing over you, it's time to leave.
when he under estimetes your great valuable successes & values, it's time to leave.
when he enlarges & over estimates his silly tiny dump (so called) acheivement, it's time to leave.
when he sides by any & every one ( even strangers, & even you're completely right) against you, & attacks you & defends the other (strange) part, it's time to leave.
whem he do behaviours that he usually dosen't want to do, but since they hurt you, he just do them on purpose to hurt you,, it's time to leave.
when he spreads rumors about you to all people that you're crazy, psycho, dump, etc, , it's time to leave.
when he lets out all your secrets & private issues, & then yells at you for getting angry with it, calling you dump & that it's nothing, & so what, you & you're privacy is nothing, it's time to leave.
when he becomes happy, satisfied, laughing, making fun of crisis happening to you, & wishes you never get out of it, it's time to leave.
when he wishes that you become the greatest failure, the ugliest one, the poorest one, the the most disabled dump stupid one, when he wishes that everything bad in life would happen to you, it's time to leave.
when he hates & dosen't want any tiny tiny tiny good thing happens to you, & tries to prevent it in all ways possible, & if it happened, tries to take away its joy from you, it's time to leave.
when he gives himself by himself complete authority, permissions & cotrol over your very very private personal basic human rights, it's time to leave.
when he considers that your are an object, not a human at all, not even having basic basic human value,it's time to leave.
when he believes that he owns you, & can do whatever he wants to with you, regardless how horrible it is, & it's his right to do so, it's time to leave
when he rages when you ask for 1% of your basic rights, & considers you're the most horrible bad person for doing that, it's time to leave.
when he wishes that u're dead, & that you weren't born at all, it's time to leave.
these are 1% of what i suffered.
when you have an illness, & he considers himself as the suffering victim & the unlucky one for having a sick person in his life, & he doesn't consider you as the suffering victim, although you're who's experiencing all the pain & medical treatments & surgerys,
To leave -----
First you connect with resources, partners, who can assist and ensure that you get out safely. You go to your local women's center and together with them, develop a safety plan.
Then, step by step, now matter how slowly or quickly you need to go ------- you make it happen.
It took me years, but I made it happen and now I have a life that brings me more good things, than sad things. This was after I was one step away from the abyss of despair.
You can do it, too.
Best thoughts and prayers to you.
When it is literally impossible to tell him even the mildest concern you may have with how he is acting in a situation, because he turns it all around on you and becomes horribly defensive instantaneously, time to leave.
When you wake up in the morning and have a feeling of dread, and find it hard to get out of bed, time to leave.
When he promises to start putting you first, then breaks those promises, time to leave.
When he argues or debates you until you finally give in and say "yes" to something you don't really want to do, and when this is a pattern that happens time and again, time to leave.
When your conversations with him are almost always 95% about him, and 5% about you, time to leave.
When he is still bragging about the truck he bought you 3 years later and to complete strangers.
When he comes in the room saying the girls said I needed him, I tell him I didnt need him for anything and he spends the next 20 mintues talking about how he always needs me, every moment of the day, and always will and turns it into me being non-caring about him..
When hes on his cell phone, face booking and then you pick up the laptop to do the same and he gets pissy because your on the computer and ignoring him
When he hints that you are drinking too much, then buys you a case of beer before you get home from work the next day
When he weighs as much as another person but has the audacity to call THEM a fatass and make derogatory comments.
When the only time he does show compassion, hold your hand, give you smooches, talk sweet to you, etc is when you are in public or have company over
When you lose 40 pounds and 2 years later still, he has never said a single word about itgood or bad(because your hot!)..
When a co-worker or friend suggests a dinner, lunch, social gathering the first thing you do is come up with a reason you cant, because you know he wont let you do it alone or if he does it will be 4 days of misery at home and its not worth it.
When you are repeatedly told you are acting rather immature just because you were giggling for 30 minutes with your 17 year old daughter.
When he asks you why the only texts in your phone are from him(because hes the only texting me, and I assume hes trying to say something here?)
When you hate going home.....time to leave
When he spends 200$ on a gift for you and will not allow you to buy him anything, then turns around and tells everyone you bought him nothing to make you look like an ass.....
We need to talk! Wow.
About the laptop and ignoring thing, oh yeah!
Coming up with an excuse not to go to a social function, oh yeah!
Hating going home, AND the gift thing!
Funny, those could have been mine!
That is the first time I have recognised that this is exactly what I do. If ever I'm invited to anything that doesn't involve him I get a feeling of dread in my stomach and have turned down most invitations for years. Thank you so much for opening my eyes and making me see this.
So much of this post hits home. Hugs to all
After re-reading this...and assessing my current situation it just continues to validate my decision to get out.
As I almost feel sorry for him some days because of what I have done(told him I want a divorce) I see this and AM reminded that I am not wrong and DON'T feel sorry for him.
All the crap he has done to me in the past 16 years? HELL NO I will NOT feel sorry for him!
Thank you for digging this one up.
shes one of the most important ppl in the world to me!