Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"Before recovery, some of us spent countless hours in resentment…." BRB p. 380
Many of us come into ACA with seething resentments. We can be recognized by the hundred-pound resentment rock around our necks. Convinced that the rock was placed there by others, we hang onto it as if to let it go would cause us harm. The rock is content to remain where it is. However, the pain of carrying it may be too much.
ACA teaches us that forgiving others has nothing to do with the other person. We do it for ourselves so we can let go of our own pain. We hear others say that praying daily to forgive the person we resent will eventually rid us of that resentment. We learn that we don't forgive the act, but do forgive the person.
Many of us who hear these things for the first time think it sounds foolish. But what else have we done that has been able to chip away at the poison our resentment has brought into our lives? So we try it, repeatedly, every day.
After a while, we notice a remarkable thing happening. The details that seemed so important and were feeding our ongoing resentment seem to be fading. Our rock is losing some of its weight.
On this day I do what has worked for so many others in recovery; I pray that the resentment I've been mired in for so long will be removed.
"I had no modeling for having, stipulating, or enforcing boundaries. I would allow children, family members, and others to use me to their advantage. I would do many things for others and then receive nothing in return." BRB p. 413
When we're new to recovery, boundaries can be a mystery because most of us came from families that had none. Even if we know what they are, we still may not know when to have the courage to set them.
Boundaries can be very confusing and overwhelming. But by working the Steps and going to meetings, we learn from others. We talk to fellow ACAs about how they know when it's right to set a boundary, and about the language they use. We begin to have faith that we can do the same.
Then, sometimes without even thinking, we find ourselves setting limits with family members and others. Our anxiety begins to lessen because we know we are able to take care of ourselves with the help of others in the program and our Higher Power. We feel less resentful, too.
Letting others use us so we gain their approval may still be occasionally tempting. It can seem easier than standing up for ourselves. But when we experience the self-esteem we gain from saying no, we know that's what we really want.
On this day I will have the courage to set the boundaries that are important to me.
"With humility, we become more thoughtful in our decisions, and we are slower to anger. We begin to become actors rather than reactors to life's situations." BRB p. 224
As children, we may have been humiliated and told we didn't measure up. As we grew, we decided we needed to prove our worth. When we accomplished things, we expected validation. Most decisions we made were geared to gaining this outward affirmation. If anyone disagreed with us, it felt like an attack. We lashed out and tried to punish them. We may have even further reacted by increasing our efforts to prove our worth.
In ACA, we learn about humility, and that it has nothing to do with humiliation, a core wound. ACA teaches us that humility is the way to inner peace and finding our True Self. If we do something for others, the world doesn't have to know. We don't need accolades. And where it was second nature for us to react first and lash out, we now take a step back and examine reality.
This change is not easy. Our insecurities and triggers are often just below the surface, and we can fall into old patterns. But when we use our new tools, we have more self-awareness. We learn to look in the mirror and feel at peace with what we see.
On this day I will remember that humility keeps me grounded and on equal footing with those around me. I don't have to be ‘greater than' to have value.
"‘The adult child is an identity crisis having an identity crisis.' That means that we were born in crisis and cannot easily recognize another way to live other than crisis." BRB p. 70
Many of us came to ACA broken, bruised, and torn. The crazy thing is, we didn't notice our hearts were barely attached as a result of all the abuse. We may not have noticed that our faces were pale and withdrawn. We couldn't truly see ourselves for months or maybe years in the condition we were in. We were the walking dead, usually surrounded by other zombies.
Then we started to get better, one day at a time. The first time we asked to do the Steps with someone else, chose a home group, did service at a meeting, or told our stories in front of a group, we picked up little pieces of ourselves in the process and were restored to sanity. It was awesome. We didn't know that we could feel so good after feeling so bad. It was counter-intuitive, but going into our pain, with the help of those who had gone before us, made us feel better. It hurt, but it passed.
On this day I will look for yet another little way to improve my life. I embrace this recovery process that teaches me more about who I am each day.
"Education alone is not enough to gain the greatest benefit from our spiritual experience. We also learn that spiritual experiences have greater meaning when matched with a dedication to work the ACA program." BRB p. 284
Most ACAs like to read. Our bookshelves, nightstands, or e-readers may be full of books, and certainly some of them provide guidance. But all the knowledge we may gain from reading will only be as good as the effort we make to use that information in our recovery process.
Recovery work, that four-letter word that many of us have avoided at great lengths, seems to be the catalyst for our spiritual growth. Our spiritual work may consist of reading, regularly supplemented with attending and sharing consistently and honestly at meetings, taking the Steps with fellow travelers, journaling, and giving service. Yes, it seems like a daunting list of tasks. It may even seem impossible. It's hard to get used to taking care of ourselves.
We know we can be gentle with ourselves, that some of the work will become a habit after a time, and that some of the work will have a different feel at different stages of our recovery. We practice patience and tolerance with ourselves, and softly allow the spiritual experience to flow naturally and easily.
On this day I will practice working the ACA program's many facets with ease and grace, realizing that the spiritual experience comes with work.
"We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of selfesteem." BRB p. 15
Many of us habitually experienced critical thoughts in our heads all our lives. If anyone suggested that we "think positive thoughts," we tried. Sometimes it made us feel better, but it didn't last. We still found ourselves getting stuck and believing the critical voice inside. We thought that something must be wrong with us, but we certainly didn't want others to know how bad we felt and how hard we were on ourselves.
When we came to ACA, we identified with Trait 11 right away. "Yes, I definitely judge myself harshly," we thought. "But you mean I'm not alone in this curse? You mean I don't have to be ashamed of this because thousands, if not millions of others do this, too?"
In this program we find hope. We learn there is a Solution: to become our own loving parent. We learn what being a loving parent means and begin to practice reparenting ourselves. And just as with all parenting skills, we know that it takes practice to get it right. But it can eventually become as natural as our harsh self-judgment once was.
On this day I will practice reparenting myself with gentleness and self-love. This includes forgiving myself if I slip and find myself being self-critical.
"With service grounded in love, ACA creates service boards and committees directly responsible to those they serve. The committees have bylaws and procedures but, as such, are not organized into a governing body." BRB p. 536
We come to an ACA meeting because we hear it's where we can talk about our childhood stuff. When we walk in, someone starts the meeting, someone else makes a secretary's report, someone else collects the donations, and others straighten thing up at the end. No one in the meeting is in charge; the group is in charge of all its affairs.
The upside-down pyramid represents our corporate structure, with the membership at the top and committees or service boards underneath. The newcomer has as much right to speak up as the most seasoned member. If an issue comes up and the group decides to form a committee, the committee still answers to the group. If a meeting or an intergroup makes inquiries to the World Services Organization, they must answer.
None of our trusted servants are given any power over an individual unless the individual presents a risk to other members. Then, the overall safety of the members must be cared for, with a measure of compassion and appropriate assertiveness.
Our love for each other and the realization of the enormous pain we have been in are what support the structure that keeps our fellowship functioning.
On this day I will be a responsible member of the ACA fellowship, responding to my fellow ACAs with the same gentleness, humor, love, and respect I have been given and have learned to show myself.
"We keep coming back because ACA is a way of life that fulfills us emotionally and spiritually." BRB p. 334
When we first walked into an ACA meeting, we may understandably have felt apprehension. We may have hit a bottom and went to the meeting hoping to find relief, but were equally afraid that we might not find any answers.
We may have found a meeting where there were some light-hearted people who didn't seem at all like our family members. Or maybe the meeting resonated with a pall of silence and sadness. In either case, what we found was a group of authentic people willing to be happy or sad and not deny their truths.
Someone asked us if we were new and if we had any questions. Perhaps we found it hard to even speak at that point. But we were invited to "Keep Coming Back," and told that when we had questions, someone would be glad to help us find the answers.
Now, as we keep coming back, we see the beauty of it all. Since our first meeting, members were receptive, open, and honest. They encouraged us to get comfortable. As we have heard the format repeated each time, our sense of safety and trust has grown. The people in the meeting have allowed us to be ourselves. All of this occurred through actions that radiated love, acceptance, and understanding.
On this day I renew my commitment to be part of a group whose actions come from an attitude of love and understanding of my needs as an adult child.
"Adult children have been described as the ‘walking wounded,' strutting about in a state of emotional and spiritual bankruptcy while claiming to be ‘fine.'" BRB p. 71
We carried around deep wounds from childhood. When we were asked how we were, we said "fine" because we felt they wouldn't really want to know. But our actions and attitude spoke our truth.
None of us would be in ACA if life had not been difficult for us. We didn't learn good coping skills when we were kids because our role models either masked their pain with something, often alcohol or drugs, or they took their anger out on the most defenseless people in their midst: us.
We learn in recovery that we have the ability to change our attitudes and our lives. We don't need to carry our wounds with us forever. We can consciously change our attitudes, and thus change not only ourselves but our part in the interactions we have with others. If we hang onto past hurts as if they are badges of courage, we rob ourselves of the promise of today.
We now choose to use the tools of ACA that will take us from the depths of our victim role into the warm sun. We shed our victim clothing for a new spring wardrobe.
On this day I will work my program as if my life depends on it, because it does.
"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." BRB p. 250
As we read Step Ten, we see a way of staying current in our daily lives. When we take our daily inventory, we notice where we have succeeded as well as where we have fallen short or need to change. And when we are wrong, we have the courage to deal with it in real time. We no longer shrink from our reality. We embrace the recovery process.
We listen in meetings and talk with our sponsors about difficult things. We are opening up channels of communication with our Inner Child by educating our inner loving parent.
The changes we see are magnificent, and we pause to deeply breathe in the love we have surrounded ourselves with. We no longer choke ourselves with fear. We are not perfect and recognize that we are a work in progress. This admission creates a personal circle of compassion and gentleness that we need for our recovery.
We reach toward the sky like the beautiful seedlings that we are, stretching out towards the sun as we fulfill our destiny. We do not know exactly where we are going, but we know we need never be alone again. We look at our lives as symphonies that are always playing to us if we are willing to listen.
On this day I will hold the ship steady as I cruise along, regardless of what the sea looks like. When I make mistakes, I will remember that practicing the Tenth Step helps me feel free.
"ACA holds out hope and acceptance to the hurting adult children of the world, who can ‘hit a bottom' and reach out for help. Allowing the True Self to emerge in the nurturing atmosphere of ACA is a spiritual experience that awaits any adult child stepping onto the broad highway of ACA recovery." BRB p. xv
Coming to ACA was a long and complicated journey for many of us. We might have known that our families were not right. Some of us may have even thought that maybe we were the problem and sought any number of ways of adjusting ourselves to the family's dysfunction.
At some point, we finally hit a bottom, surrendering to the fact that we needed something different, but not knowing what it was.
Somehow our Higher Power opened the path, our eyes, and our minds so that we could find our first ACA meeting. Perhaps it was the suggestion of a friend or trusted counselor, or an internet search. Our Higher Power found us searching.
As we attend ACA meetings, we get the sense of belonging we had unknowingly sought. Here, the spiritual experience unties the entanglements of our childhoods. Our True Self comes out of the dark hidden places and sits among our fellow ACAs.
On this day I remind myself that my search has lead me to my Higher Power, my True Self, and support from my fellow ACAs.
"We learn how to play and enjoy life in ACA." BRB p. 572
Many of us who grew up in alcoholic or dysfunctional homes had little time or opportunity for play. Faced with adult chaos, much of our early life was spent in survival mode.
In ACA, we learn that living life in our rearview mirror is not really living. Letting go of the past allows us to experience the present without the blinders that keep us from joy.
But where is the joy? It's not something that we can just sit around and wait for. Joy is to be sought. It's everywhere, but it must be found; it will not find us. We must open our eyes, our minds, and our hearts to search it out.
Joy is giving to others with no expectation of return. It's hugging someone who needs it or stopping at a shelter to walk a homeless dog. When we bring joy to others we bring it into our own lives.
On this day I will find the joy that is all around me that's just waiting for me to experience it.
"We stop in mid-sentence if we are putting ourselves down or criticizing our thoughts or behaviors. We identify the source of the negativity which is the inner critic inside all adult children." BRB p. 299
Who tells us each day whether we live up to a standard?
Who lies awake each night running over the "could haves" or "should haves" for the day or for days gone by?
We weren't born with shame; it was instilled in us. We had no experience to measure or reject that shame when we were children, so we had to accept it. But who is keeping that shame alive in us today?
It's our inner critic that reflects the negative voices from our past. But we now have the choice to change that voice - to live life on our own terms and bury the "could haves" and "should haves." We are no longer required to listen to the messages that keep shame alive in our everyday thoughts.
Who puts a value on us if we do not value ourselves?
In ACA, we are accepted for who we are. We join together, not to bemoan our imperfections, but to find "the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.*" Our strength in numbers gives us that courage and assures us that we are now and always have been valued human beings.
On this day I look at myself through the eyes of my fellow ACAs and my Higher Power. Instead of listening to my inner critic, I believe what they say - that I am valued.
"Today, when I am acting compulsively, I take a breather from that activity to moderate my behavior. Sometimes I have to say aloud, ‘I'm turning this over to God.'" BRB p. 138
We have homes with automatic temperature controls. The heat doesn't engage until the thermostat senses there's not enough warm air, and the air conditioning does the reverse.
This process of modulation (regulating according to measure or proportion) was not present in our families of origin. Nearly every life situation either received a maximal response or was virtually ignored (denial). A parent could rage over a traffic jam, but never discuss a tragic family death.
This lack of modulation or moderation in response to life's events sent most of us into our adult lives without effective role models or acceptable ways to handle our emotions. We had two settings, MAX ON and MAX OFF, and we didn't understand why. We blew up with anger and had no clue why we were unable to grieve serious life events. We now know we were programmed to be that way.
In ACA, with the Steps and the help of a fellow traveler, we see that we're not alone. We gain serenity and can thoughtfully assess a life event, and then decide on a reasonable course of action, if action is required. We learn to do our part and then "Let Go and Let God." As we go through this process, we gain serenity.
On this day I can choose a modulated response to a situation. I choose NOT to use the reactionary or denial behaviors I learned as a child.
"We are looking for the truth so that we can live our own lives with choice and self-confidence. We want to break the cycle of family dysfunction." BRB p. 27
Most of us grew up telling lies so the outside world would think that things were okay at home. We hid the truth because of the shame we felt, and because we understood the family rules, whether they were unwritten or not.
As we became adults, we often found it easy to continue lying about ourselves. Maybe we embellished to make ourselves look better because we weren't even sure what the truth was anymore. Or maybe we did so because we "knew" that people wouldn't accept us for who we really were. But the more lies we told, the harder it became to keep track, which made us terrified of slipping up.
In recovery, we begin to uncover the truth of who we are and where we come from, seeing the necessity of breaking our dysfunctional cycle. We learn to be honest about ourselves in our meetings where we learn we're not alone. We begin to see that others respect our honesty in a way that is constructive and hopeful. By choosing to be genuine, we find that this is actually the easier, softer way many of us have always looked for.
On this day I will honor myself by recognizing when I am tempted by an old habit. I will do what's right for my True Self.