Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"Many lost children practice ‘relationship anorexia.'" BRB p. 135
Adult children learn a lot of things growing up in a dysfunctional home. Unfortunately, one of the primary things we learned was not to trust. We learned to place a wall around us for protection from pain.
This wall follows us into adulthood and shadows all of our relationships with acquaintances, friends, co-workers, and most importantly, our intimate relationship with a partner/spouse. We find that, unlike our family of origin, a healthy relationship calls for a degree of trust, something so foreign to us that our safety feels threatened.
When given the choice to let down our guard and allow someone to breach our protective wall, some of us choose to either prevent or end a relationship. We fear failure but sabotage our own success.
As we get emotionally stronger in our ACA recovery program, we start removing the bricks from our wall, knowing that now we can accept what life brings us with the love and support we have for ourselves, as well as from our Higher Power and fellow travelers.
On this day I will continue to grow emotionally with the knowledge that ACA and my Higher Power will guide me in gaining the strength to trust others.
"…many of us are uncomfortable with the word ‘God' and can recoil at the word's mention…. These members often find relief in the thought that G-O-D could stand for ‘good, orderly direction.'" BRB p. 78
Many of us were harmed as children in the name of religion and God. Perhaps we grew up with teachings that showed us a punishing God, or in a home where there was no tolerance for other beliefs. We still may not recognize the depth of the damage done to us by the shame and emotional abuse we experienced in the name of God.
When we found ACA, we may have had trouble with the use of the word God in the Steps. Then when others talked about their belief in God and mentioned their religion, it was a huge button that kept getting pushed. If we stopped attending meetings because of this, we rejected a program meant for people of all belief systems, whether they call their Higher Power "God" or not.
If we stay, we can do a number of things. During a share, we can affirm our own belief by saying, "This program works for me because it's spiritual, not religious." Or when someone says "God," we can think of it as the acronym for "good, orderly direction." Either of these choices, or a number of others, can help us find a way to "take what we like and leave the rest."
On this day I will not "throw the baby out with the bathwater." Just because some people believe in a Higher Power that makes me uncomfortable does not mean the program isn't right for me.
"Our ability to share intimacy will grow inside us." BRB p. 591
One casualty of our dysfunctional families was our ability to share intimacy. In our oftentimes dangerous families, intimacy led to vulnerability, which became an open invitation to be hurt and hurt again. We learned to protect ourselves by shutting down our natural need for intimacy. Our false self took charge to protect us from the harrowing pain of a multitude of unmet needs.
As we engage in the process of recovery, we begin to feel comfortable with other ACAs, learning to express our needs at meetings. We may need to be discerning in deciding with whom to share our most treasured hurts, but share them we must if we are to regain our ability to share intimately.
The process of recovery requires us to become our own loving parent, relieving from duty our most ardent defender, our critical inner parent. Only then will our Inner Child begin to feel and express all the hurt inside.
As we grow comfortable with the uncomfortable absence of our critical inner parent, we build trust that our loving parent will guide us in knowing when and where to share intimately. Our internal intimacy translates into outward intimacy, and we are made whole once again.
On this day I will help my Inner Child feel safe so that my freedom to share intimacy can grow. I will practice sharing intimately with others I have learned to trust.
"We can secretly tell ourselves that we cannot recover, or we cannot experience the benefits of the Steps. This is the subtle but critical inner voice, attempting to disqualify us from recovery." BRB p. 49
We have all heard it said that humans, by nature, are creatures of habit. It doesn't seem to matter whether those habits are good for us or do us harm; they give us a certain level of comfort.
Recovery brings change that is often looked at suspiciously by those around us who are used to our dysfunction - it's a known quantity. Some of these people may feel threatened by our change and try to interfere with it. This is not uncommon and others in the program make us aware of this possibility.
But we also become aware of our critical inner parent that can try to sabotage our recovery with phrases like, "Maybe this is the wrong thing to do." "Will I even know who I am if I change?" "Maybe I'm too old to be doing this." When this voice surfaces, it's time to reach out to our ACA fellow travelers for help and support.
On this day I will be aware of how my critical inner parent can try to plant doubts. To stay grounded, I reaffirm for myself that I am now on the right path.
"To ask an adult child to surrender control is like asking someone to leap from an airplane without a parachute. Without recovery, an adult child can live in terror of letting go of control." BRB p. 39
A counselor once said the reason adult children have such a tight death-grip on everything is because we're afraid if we let go, things won't be okay. Fear holds us in bondage. We learned it so well growing up from those we loved most. As children we were afraid to go home, afraid to leave home, afraid we did something wrong, afraid we weren't good enough, afraid somebody was going to get hit or kicked, or we feared for our lives…and the list goes on.
In the past, when things happened in our lives, we felt guilt or shame. We learned how to hold our breath and expect the worst. Today, in our recovery program, we learn many new behaviors, including letting go with the help of our Higher Power, our support group, our sponsor, and the roadmap of the Twelve Steps.
In ACA we learn to love and accept each other just the way we are. When conflict arises - and we know it will - we, as adult children, have the opportunity to practice each and every day how to become actors, not reactors, until we feel safe and comfortable.
On this day I will remember the slogan, ‘Let Go and Let God,' asking my Higher Power for the strength to relax and reflect on the things I am powerless over.
"We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us." BRB p. 17
Many of us wish we did not perpetuate certain family disease traditions like abandonment, but we do so anyway. We may have abandoned someone on purpose as an outlet for our anger, or as a form of retribution. No matter what the reason, we are now in recovery to break the cycle of this multi-generational family disease the best we can.
The idea of not abandoning others may feel like a foreign concept. Maybe we just don't know how to stay, how to feel safe long enough to be intimate. It can feel terrifying to get close to others.
Being with fellow travelers in this program is a first step in practicing what it's like to tolerate intimacy. It's also where we can learn to communicate, resolve problems and forgive in ways we were never taught. We perform a real act of courage when we do things differently in recovery.
We can practice; we can do it. This is our living amends - a gift to ourselves and others in recovery, and perhaps to our families as well.
On this day I will practice new, trusting behavior with my ACA friends. I will continue to learn healthier ways of communicating that will keep me from leaving others for the wrong reasons.
"But before we can serve one another, we must first be willing to love and serve ourselves." BRB p. 354
Many of us find such wonderful answers in ACA that we want to spread the word and help others before we understand what ACA is really about, and before we understand that we need to have it before we can give it away.
We're all encouraged to offer service in our meetings as a way of giving back. And that's all that's expected of us for awhile.
If we choose to provide service beyond our meeting, it's essential for our personal recovery that we examine our motives. Anything we do, whether it's getting involved in an Intergroup or starting other meetings, must come from a place of love and gratitude for what we've received. If not, we may get mired in control issues, inserting ourselves in situations where we don't belong. Or we may feel victimized if we think we're not appreciated enough. If these things happen, and we're working our program and using the ACA tools, we'll be able to take a step back and see that service is a gift we give to ourselves and others. It is full of opportunities for growth that we might not otherwise have.
On this day I will balance the service I give with my own recovery needs.
"The critical inner voice is that part of us that judges others and ourselves harshly." BRB p. 337
As children in dysfunctional homes, many of us took on difficult family responsibilities that should not have been our burdens to carry. We were then criticized for not doing things "right." This led us to become hard on ourselves whenever we thought we made mistakes, developing our own critical voice that started playing in our heads. And that led us to apologize for things that were out of our control.
As we recover in ACA, we work to replace this critical inner voice that became so ingrained in us with a new, loving voice that nurtures and supports us. When we take our personal inventory on a daily basis, we learn to sort out what is really ours, versus what has nothing to do with us. We learn to set healthy boundaries, asking our Higher Power for the strength to continue this healing journey.
It takes patience and time to cultivate this loving voice, which is our inner loving parent. We find strength and hope when we listen to other ACAs as we follow a new path where we replace the negative with the positive in all aspects of daily recovery. We become more independent and able to trust our own decisions.
On this day I take responsibility for myself. I give myself positive messages and feel comfort knowing that my Higher Power is with me at all times.
"One purpose of Step Two is to introduce the idea of keeping an open mind on the possibility of a Higher Power who can restore sanity." BRB p. 107
For many of us, the wounds are deep when it comes to trusting anyone, especially a Higher Power that is often referred to as God. We have a history of feeling deeply disappointed by most of the people and resources in our lives, including the God we were taught to believe in and pray to.
As a result, when some people in our meetings refer to their Higher Power as God, we have trouble identifying with them, or maybe even accepting that such a concept is real. But Step Two is meant to show us that we have a support system available to us; that we have different options besides going it alone. We can find a Higher Power to help us, and that Higher Power can be whatever we want it to be. There are no rules. However, if we are going to recover from our childhood dysfunction, we are going to have to learn to trust someone or something to help us.
On this day I will learn to trust that I have a Higher Power willing to help me. It may be the group, it may be a feeling of calmness when I experience nature, or a traditional God of my understanding. It's entirely up to me.
"Recovery takes patience and persistence. We are naturally impatient to reach the end without delay and skip the hard work of the program." BRB p. xxx
Whenever we think we should be doing more in recovery, doing better, or going faster, it could be our disease talking to us. We might think we're behind, we'll never be good enough, or we'll never get through the Steps. Such thinking can lead us to overexertion, or by contrast make us feel like giving up instead of keeping a balanced, steady approach to working our program with actions coming from love.
There's a great slogan in 12 Step programs: "Just show up." This means simply to be present, here and now only, and do the next right thing in front of us. It means to be at peace with our actions instead of pushing, forcing, expecting, or "futurizing." It gives us permission to be human, be relaxed, and just show up for ourselves. This is how we develop perseverance and balance, one day at a time.
On this day I give myself permission to suit-up and just show up for myself to the best of my ability.
"Many older members will speak of finding their grief by working the Twelve Steps or by sitting alone quietly and feeling the feelings that arise." BRB p. 200
Older members with years of experience attending meetings, sharing, fellow traveling, and giving service from a space of love may have reached a point where they're able to just sit quietly and allow feelings to arise. Their daily practice over time has afforded them this wonderful gift.
Because for many long-time members the use of the program's tools has become second nature to them; as their feelings arise they allow them to flow out, like hot air naturally rises into the infinite sky. The continuous daily work of taking the Steps draws their grief work out from the depths of their psyche in a gradual and gentle way.
They are worth listening to as they recount their experience, strength, and hope. But they will also be the first to admit that they don't know all the answers; that they learn each day from newer members who can be wise beyond their time in the program. That is the nature of this fellowship. Grief work is part of the healing process that spans all ages and periods of longevity in the program.
On this day I will work a daily program of recovery. As I am ready, I will receive all the gifts of my grief work arising to meet me.
"This connectedness in relationships is characterized by expressed feelings, trust, mutual respect, and an acknowledgment that a Higher Power is real." BRB p. 265
One of the worst things we may have felt as kids was a sense of aloneness, feeling connected to nothing and no one. We then became adults who were aching inside to find a connection to something. Often we found this with people who weren't good for us, or we found a temporary sense of connection through food, drugs, sex, alcohol, serial relationships, our children, our spouses, and others who maybe seemed to "have it together." Most things we tried felt good for awhile, but soon we felt lost and empty again.
In ACA we realize that this lack of connection is not our fault, and we aren't unique. To survive our childhoods, we had to disconnect to protect our hearts. But the longer we're in this place now, the more horrible is the pain we experience.
We find recovery from this pain by working the Steps and uncovering our real identities. We learn that the answers are inside us, and that connecting with a Higher Power helps us find those answers. We begin relating to our True Selves as we learn to express our feelings. This helps us finally start to feel connected to others in a healthy way.
On this day I will remember that I am a real person who is capable of having true connections with others. I do this by believing in myself and my Higher Power.
"I became stronger as a result of the efforts I made to protect my Inner Child and because of the strength he gives to me when we now work together. We are both flourishing." BRB p. 399
When we were honest, we realized that we had never taken a clean action in our lives. This is when we started to move beyond denial and walk in integrity. We recognized that our behavior had been tainted by the lessons learned in our childhood. Although some good followed us, we needed a fearless inventory to find out and separate what we did not need for the rest of our journey.
We did this with the help of a sponsor or co-sponsor and the Yellow Workbook. We gained strength through due diligence. We slogged through the early days of pain, trusting we would one day act with true autonomy. We saw our way through perfectionism to the other side. We were showing up for life, however imperfectly, even when we felt less-than.
Our future began to unfold, unfettered by the desires of other people. We were no longer tied to our abusers. Like a butterfly from its cocoon, we finally were emerging as our own person.
We never knew this level of feeling existed, and we welcomed these changes. As we became more willing to fight for our lives, we understood that we had value deep inside of us all along. It had been calling out in the dark for us to hear and see.
On this day I will embrace my inner truth and my Inner Child. I am my own person.
"We live life from the viewpoint of victims, and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships." BRB p. 14
This Trait was hard for some of us to relate to. "Don't call us victims," we thought. "We made it through hell and back. We were tough." The idea that we marched through the world choosing sick people was almost offensive.
It took awhile to come out of our denial. We learned about para-alcoholism and codependency and that, without help, we were destined to continue recreating the past.
We started seeing the truth in our daily lives - how our feelings of hopelessness very often had come from thoughts like, "The world is too big for me to handle," and "I just can't make it." We recognized that we felt like victims who were being taken advantage of. We noticed how we habitually avoided people who seemed selfconfident because we didn't know how to talk to them, and they didn't seem to "need" us. We'd felt uncomfortable around them but didn't know why.
When we understand that we are truly powerless over other people, but not ourselves, we discover our willingness to change. The 12 Steps give us a blueprint to follow to become self-confident and assertive - the very type of person we had always avoided but secretly wanted to be all those years. We begin to attract others who are self-confident.
On this day I will be aware when I feel unequal to others. I will stop and affirm that I am just as important as everyone else.
"Many of us peep ahead to Steps Eight and Nine and sense that we have amends to make to various people, including our parents, who have harmed us as children. Oftentimes this harm is the vulgar act of incest, physical abuse, or mental and emotional abuse by sick parents or caregivers." BRB p. 109
When some of us looked ahead at Steps Eight and Nine, we couldn't understand how we owed amends to our perpetrators. The very idea was unthinkable.
But what we didn't realize was that we were not going to be asked to make amends to unsafe people, and we certainly were not going to be asked to make amends for things we had no control over.
In ACA, we learn that the amends we are responsible for are the things we've done as adults, which usually have their origins in our childhood abuse. However, whether we actually make direct amends is a personal choice, because it is not always a safe thing to do. This is why we look for guidance from those who have already been on this road. If, with their help, we decide we cannot make direct amends to some people, we learn that indirect amends can be made, which includes becoming the person we were meant to be.
On this day, before I make amends to potentially unsafe people, I will first seek the guidance of my sponsor or my other fellow travelers. An indirect amend may be more appropriate in many cases.