Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"Some parents routinely found fault with our thoughts or accomplishments without any apparent malice. If asked, the parent or caregiver would tell you that they meant well." BRB p. 36
We felt as if we couldn't do anything right because we couldn't. No matter what our caretakers intended, their emotional daggers flew at us fast and furiously and stung deeply. Even long after leaving home, we carried that critical voice with us; only now it was internalized.
We told ourselves we were being babies, that we were over-reacting, that no one meant us harm: all our concerns were only in our heads. We just needed to toughen up and stop taking everything so seriously.
Internalizing these messages for so long left us unable to claim our birthright of serenity, which would allow us to face life's challenges in an adult way.
In ACA we eventually turn around to face ourselves and our past. When we finish Step Five, a burden is lifted. We can see where we came from, who we truly are and who we can be. We are grateful that we have begun to question the voices inside as we dialogue with and challenge them. We no longer push these voices away. We invite them in and sit with them. We see our story unfold before us as we write and talk. We see the courageous little person who was faced with a childhood full of doubt and shame - and we have compassion for ourselves. We find our serenity.
On this day I honor and cherish the child within who was blameless then and now.
"In ACA, there is a way to discuss and heal from the events of the past without minimizing these events and without remaining stuck with such memories." BRB p. 26
Arriving at the bridge between denial and acceptance was painful. What were we to do now that the brutality of the past was revealed? What were we to do with the internal mess that we had been left with from childhood? What were we to do with the tattered remains of a heart cast in stone, the plethora of emotions under lock and key, the inability to reach out?
When we find ACA, we realize we are about to cross over a bridge. We come to know that there will be no going back. This is an irreversible process of progress from pain, sorrow and suffering to health, joy and peace. All we need to do is avail ourselves of others and begin our journey with the first step forward. It isn't easy, but it is a lot less painful that staying stuck in our own absolute uncertainty. Once on the other side, we see how deeply self-protective we had become. No longer is it necessary to hide from others by looking down at the ground. We move our gaze into the eyes of those who understand how we feel, and we find safety in their unconditional concern for our well being.
On this day I will keep my head high and know that with the help of others in ACA, I am safe from the memories of the past.
"Some ACA bottoms can be a chronic sense of aloneness in which the adult child never feels joy and never really connects with others in a meaningful manner." BRB p. 124
Loneliness is well known by adult children. Whether we were actually alone or in a group of people, we were lonely. Many of us were, or still are, in relationships where we are lonely. This is our experience because we missed a key piece of socialization growing up in a dysfunctional family: how to have a healthy relationship with another human being.
So we have become controlling, stand-offish, closed-minded, over-bearing, painfully shy or awkward, fearful of others, perpetual victims, people pleasers - the list goes on. Name the dysfunction and the odds are we can relate to it.
We distrust people, expecting them to hurt us. But our actions cause the very hurt we try to avoid. We are hyper-sensitive and perceive any difference of opinion as a personal attack. We are less than forgiving and tend to hold grudges long into the future.
This is why we come into the rooms of recovery. The demons in our head need to be dealt with. We can't do that alone. We come in to gather knowledge and strength from the program, our fellow travelers, and our Higher Power. We come to face our past and put to rest the childhood survival traits that no longer work for us.
On this day I remind myself that living the ACA program will bring me the peace within myself that I have longed for. That peace will spill over into my relationships.
"Some incest victims have struggled with forgiving an offending parent or caregiver." BRB p. 114
Those of us who were sexually abused struggled for years trying to accept what happened to us. Mostly, people told us to shut up about it, or if they were a little more polite, they let us know that we should somehow just "get over it," put it out of our minds, stop dragging the family down, or some other such sentiment. We lived with this burden for years.
When we're working Steps Eight and Nine, the most important amends we make is to ourselves. We stop trying to push those wounded parts of ourselves down with food, anxiety, stinginess, and pornography - things that make us feel as if the abuse was either deserved or acceptable in some way.
We learn to set boundaries with our perpetrators and those who protected them, including our sisters and brothers who told us they couldn't talk about it. We put ourselves first for the first time in our lives. We detach with a hatchet if we have too, but we detach.
Forgiving our perpetrators, who we can finally view for what they are, may take time. But we will eventually find a way to move forward. Then forgiveness will be easier because we no longer have to pretend that the abuse didn't happen.
On this day I will make amends to myself by putting myself first for the first time. I will also learn to forgive my perpetrators so that I can focus on myself instead of them.
"Ours is a program of attraction, not promotion." BRB p. 613
How exciting it is when we get the first dose of recovery. Issues that have plagued us for most of our lives can now be brought to an ACA meeting or discussed with a fellow traveler who knows how we feel and doesn't judge us.
Recovery is so powerful that we want to rush out and persuade many of our friends and relatives to join in this wonderful new adventure, probably because we believe some of them could benefit from the program more than we can. So some of us buy several ACA books to distribute to these people. This is called two-stepping: jumping right from Step One to Step Twelve, trying to give away what we don't even have yet.
But recovery requires patience. We find that as we work the Steps, practice the principles, and live the program, others will notice a positive change in us. They will be attracted by that change.
If their curiosity is piqued, they may ask about ACA. Then it's up to them to decide if they want to go to meetings and learn more.
On this day I will focus on my own recovery and respect that others have their own journey. If at some point our journeys merge, it will be a wonderful thing.
"Most adult children constantly seek affirmation but do not truly believe compliments and praise when they come." BRB p. 187
Some of us cringed at our own birthday parties because we were uncomfortable with the attention we had originally sought. When our partners found us attractive, we felt nervous and distracted. When others complimented us, the only way we felt worthy of the praise was by returning it.
We achieved all our goals only to find that we were not satisfied. Our dream life with our dream job and dream relationship still didn't fix us. The more successful we were, the more anxious we became.
As we heal in ACA, we learn to accept compliments without needing to return them. We can let the words hang in the air like sweet perfume. We can enjoy when we do something well, not because someone is watching, not because we expect affirmation from someone else, but because we know we did a good job.
More importantly, we can even allow ourselves to fail and still love those wounded parts inside of us - even when others do not. At least we made the effort. Maybe our mistakes will eventually lead to success, but even if they don't, we will be all right. Our relationships with our Higher Power and Inner Children become enough for us. We are enough, just as we are for today, and every day.
On this day, if I do something imperfectly, I will remember that I also do a lot of things right. I have many reasons to be proud of myself.
"In other homes, the children are like objects of perfection to be displayed alongside dinners centered on tables with fine fixtures, perfect posture, and orderly spoons and forks. Holidays and celebrations bring guests who compliment the parents for sparkling floors and perfect children." BRB p. 37
A more subtle and powerful undercurrent in our alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional families was everpresent control, although the type of control may not have always seemed clear. Whether our houses resembled museums or they were well-cluttered, expressions of love may have been flowery and superficial and had strings attached. The essence of these dysfunctional expressions was not authentic, and we knew it.
The actual object of all the cleanliness or sloppiness, the pseudo expression of love, was inauthentic. Deep inside, our True Self saw that the real motive was the suppression of the possibility of admitting that things were out of control.
So we bought in and "acted out" this subconscious conflict to both avoid being ostracized and to keep our own feelings of being out of control from surfacing.
Gradually, when the sense of chaos crept into our consciousness as adults, and we hit an emotional, spiritual and physical bottom, we found ACA. In this humbled state, we are given the gift of recovery as we recollect the memories of our upbringing, admit our terror and grieve our losses.
On this day I will examine the control in my family and the effect it's had in my adult life. I will practice the ACA program to help process the unexpressed traumatic fear and buried memories so that I may be free of control.
"No longer willing or able to suppress my feelings, they came up effusively and erratically." BRB p. 409
When we entered our first meetings, we may have felt numb. Then, as we kept coming back, suddenly it felt like a roller coaster, with feelings flying blindly around a corner without warning.
As we progress in recovery, we learn to acknowledge all of our feelings and be unafraid. We don't put limits on how much we allow ourselves to feel. Whatever comes up for us at the moment is okay. We do not pretend we are fine when we are not. Claiming our truth becomes a basic need for us. We no longer allow others to try to shut us down when they're uncomfortable.
We maintain conscious contact with a Higher Power through our personal spiritual awakening, whatever form that takes. We cultivate affirming and soothing self-talk in the form of our inner loving parent - the parent we always deserved.
Recovery unfolds for us gently over time as we see each new direction we need to take, and then we seize it and run. We trust ourselves and our intuition. Our feelings are not overwhelming - they are what they are.
On this day I will allow my feelings to safely wash over me. This will give me the strength to be genuine with myself and others.
"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs." BRB p. 279
When we first entered recovery, we may have wanted to tell everyone we knew about this amazing program. But we soon found that most people were not interested in what we had to say. We probably sounded like we were preaching about what they should do.
We soon learned that carrying the message of recovery was not about chasing people down and forcing them to listen, but standing still and honoring our true space. We live the message through our words and actions, generating an environment that people want to be part of. They become more comfortable with us, but may not even know why.
In meetings, we help carry the message to each other when we tell our stories, agree to be a sponsor or fellow traveler, and take on service roles.
Our True Selves trust there will always be more to learn when we practice these principles in all our affairs.
On this day I will share who I have become with those who are willing to listen. I will remember that my actions speak louder than my words.
"I came to the program because I felt unhappy, abandoned, and generally miserable." BRB p. 413
Before ACA, many of us were scared. We knew that if something didn't change in our lives, we were likely to be emotionally or physically abused again, and we knew we couldn't take any more. To escape and to try to feel good, we had tried anything - burying ourselves in books all day, playing hours of video games, or compulsively shopping. We may have also used pornography as a way to numb ourselves. Our relationships were not with safe people. Our bodies were racked with tension that never seemed to go away.
Attending our first ACA meeting signaled the start of gradual change for us. As we come out of denial, we realize that we are capable of being healthy and sane. We find that sometimes this involves making hard choices, but ultimately those choices are worth it.
An important choice we make is to do the Steps with a Sponsor or fellow traveler who can be a witness to our positive change. We find that when we make bold, positive moves, the universe steps up to heal us. We are able to live a new story and feel free.
On this day I trust that I am going in the right direction and that I have all the support I need when I am willing to ask.
"The word ‘cross talk' means interrupting, referring to, or commenting on someone else's remarks made during the meeting….each person may share his or her feelings and perceptions without judgment from others." BRB p. 341
Some of us have a hard time with the no cross talk rule in ACA. We may believe others really need to hear our valuable opinions and insight! This can cause us to violate another's boundaries. And it may get in the way of others discovering their truth in their own time.
It has been found that when a nervous racehorse is left alone, it simply gets more nervous. But when a goat is in the stable, the race horse calms down. The goat, naturally, doesn't tell the racehorse, "Calm down; you're being silly!" It is the goat's presence that makes the difference to the horse. Presence can say what words cannot.
When we're tempted to give unsolicited advice or opinions, remembering this analogy of the horse and the goat may be helpful. We can do the most good for ourselves and others by just speaking our own truth and talking about our own feelings. By doing so, we can serve as living proof that this program can be trusted, that we can all get well in our own time. It is not our job to fix or parent each other. We learn to do that on our own when we are allowed to do so.
On this day I recognize that I don't have all the answers. Focusing on myself and being there for others instead of trying to ‘fix' them is the best path for all involved.
"Abandonment means more than being left alone or left at a doorstep." BRB p. 10
We felt abandoned emotionally as children when we were criticized and felt we didn't measure up to expectations. These abandonment feelings were made worse when we felt compelled to keep family secrets, which brought a continual sense of shame that someone could find out how really dysfunctional our homes were.
As adults, this often resulted in feeling triggered to build up highly emotional responses toward the pain of loss.
Before ACA, living with all of this pain and shame caused us to look outside of ourselves for love and safety. But with the help and guidance of our program and each other, we learn that self-worth, self-nurturing, and a feeling of safety can be developed within ourselves. Thus, our confidence grows and recovery becomes real, especially as we strengthen our belief in a Higher Power.
Recovery works if we don't stare at the past, but decide to make new memories each day. We find that developing into a "new adult" is rewarding. At the same time, our Inner Child continues to grow in a healthy way.
ACA teaches us to be confident in the knowledge that we are in charge of ourselves. We can learn to live in the present and concentrate on each day's blessings.
On this day I know I am not alone. I have the support of my ACA family that is helping me heal my past and build a strong future.
"In ACA, we believe we were born whole and became fragmented in body, mind, and spirit through abandonment and shame. We need help finding a way to return to our miracle state." BRB p. 143
When we find our way to ACA, we may feel like our outsides don't match our insides. We are used to acting as though everything is fine in our lives, knowing in our hearts this is not the case. We are adept at controlling how we appear to others, careful to conceal the pain behind a smile.
As children, we had to hide our true feelings, our True Self, in order to survive. We were sometimes shamed or abandoned when we expressed emotions our parents could not cope with. We learned to keep our thoughts and yearnings to ourselves out of fear.
With the help of our Higher Power and others in ACA who know of our pain, we begin to speak the truth of our experience and gradually align our thoughts, feelings, and actions. We know that wholeness is again available to us when we experience love and acceptance from others in recovery and from our Higher Power. With the help of ACA, we can learn to tap into all of our emotions, including joy.
On this day I welcome my True Self by acknowledging and accepting my feelings. I feel whole in my Higher Power's loving embrace.
"Self-love enables the adult child to back-fill the love or nurturing we did not get as children." BRB p. 436
Long ago we were yelled at, pushed aside, and neglected. In our quiet times, we wondered in our little child minds, "Why? What did I do wrong?"
We looked out at the world and saw a dad playing in the yard with his kids. Those kids looked so happy. We stood in our yard alone, feeling like the only kid in the world nobody loved.
This lack of love set the stage for years of searching. We found relief now and then when a teacher smiled or a friend bragged about us. But nothing made us feel loved enough to take away the pain. Some of us used drugs, alcohol, food, and other compulsive activities to fill the empty spot where love should have been.
When we got to ACA, we felt a connection when we heard others talk about their loveless lives because now we knew we weren't alone. We learned that the reason we didn't feel loved was because of something out of our control: true love can't co-exist along with alcoholic and dysfunctional thinking.
It wasn't our fault! We were always lovable. We made a commitment to start over and love ourselves.
On this day I will take positive action to love and nurture myself in a way only I can.
"We were not taught how to have fun." BRB p. 39
Someone in a meeting once asked what adult children do for fun. In our families of origin, many of us were too hypervigilant to have fun or experience joy. When we look back, we often struggle to remember brief moments of fun. Some of us do catch glimpses of playing with dolls or trucks, blowing dandelions, or hollering "Let's play hide and seek - you're it!"
As we begin recovery, the idea of having fun may feel foreign, but we start to learn how important it is as a way to nurture our Inner Child and our adult self. As we get healthier, we see wondrous joy and freedom in having fun. We start doing things like drawing in a sketchbook, putting together a picture puzzle, coloring, working on a craft, going for a walk, riding a horse, fishing, hiking a mountain trail, skiing, swimming, calling a friend, going to the movies, painting a picture, singing, going to the library, learning to play a musical instrument, listening to music, hugging a friend, going to a museum, sitting by the river watching a sunset, laughing with friends, taking pictures, taking a class on meditation, playing a game… the list of fun activities can go on forever.
On this day I will experience life to its fullest by being in the present and doing something fun.