Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"We become openminded to the idea that we can change with time and with help." BRB p. 9
Most of us have heard the saying, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten." In other words, nothing will change until we make a change.
We may have read all the books and made attempts at change, but nothing stuck for long. A big reason it didn't work is that we were probably trying to do it alone. We told ourselves that we didn't need to talk to others about anything; we just had to try harder. And when we hit a wall with whatever new thing we were trying, we found some justification for quitting.
So nothing really changed until we gave ourselves permission to walk into our first ACA meeting. That is where we discovered the power of the group - a mix of new faces with familiar stories. We listened to some say how difficult it was to work on change, and that change takes time. This might have made us run the other way, except that it was followed by talk of how rewarding it is to make even baby steps of change. Because we want that same experience, we keep coming back. Not doing it alone makes all the difference in the world.
On this day I will remember that I deserve my own change and that I never have to go it alone again.
"Fear of authority figures and the need to ‘people-please' will leave us." BRB p. 591
As children, from infancy through our teen years, we were surrounded by authority figures. This included our family, babysitters and teachers - those who traditionally deserved respect. But many of these people took advantage of our respect for authority by intimidating us into a submissive role. Our natural tendency to please was exploited by the unreasonable demands placed on us.
As adults, our need to people-please took a darker turn and robbed us of our ability to enjoy life. Always seeking to please others, we were left waiting for our turn at getting our needs met.
In ACA, the edges of the puzzle of how we became people-pleasers slowly start to become clear. We begin to free the roots of our people-pleasing habit from the soil of our childhoods. In its place we plant brand new seeds of hope.
Consistent work in our program allows our insight, clarity, and freedom to flourish. No longer fearful of authority and under the compulsion to please, we are emancipated to decide for ourselves whom we need to fear and whom we choose to please.
On this day I will continue working the ACA program to further unearth the deep roots of my fear of authority and people-pleasing. I choose to be free of any hold they still have over me.
"We came to see our parents as authority figures who could not be trusted." BRB p. 11
In healthy families, authority figures are parents who are loving, nurturing and supportive. In our families, they usually put fear into our little souls. We endured physical, verbal or emotional abuse. And unfortunately, what we see and experience, many of us learn, and often practice. No wonder our relationships may be chaotic at best when we get to ACA, whether we had become a rigid authority figure or not.
When we admit that the only way we know how to deal with life's challenges is to slam doors, shut down and isolate, or say hurtful things to those closest to us, we take the first step towards being ready to change.
By working the Steps with a sponsor or fellow traveler, we discover the triggers that cause us to react negatively or to isolate. We cry for our little kid who faced the terror and heartbreak when these triggers were implanted. Wounds are reopened as we discover the damage, knowing we often couldn't trust what was going to happen from one minute to the next.
As we sit in meetings, we listen to the experience, strength and hope of other ACAs because they have what we want. We are tired of running - we want healthier ways to communicate so we can trust ourselves and be trusted by others.
On this day I open my heart with courage to find help to work the Steps. I love myself enough to do this.
"We learn to take a balanced view of our behavior, avoiding the tendency to take too much responsibility for the actions of others." BRB p. 251
We didn't learn balance in our families of origin. Most of us became either super-responsible or super irresponsible. There didn't seem to be much of a middle ground.
Those of us who were super-responsible often believed we were in charge of everyone else. In the process, we didn't learn to focus on ourselves.
In Step Four we identify our problematic behaviors. As we continue to work the Steps, we increase our awareness of those behaviors and how they affect our relationships with other people. We examine our demands, our criticisms, and our negativity. We inventory our past feelings and motives so we can separate our own dysfunction from that of our family of origin. We begin reparenting ourselves to replace the lack of nurturing and the imbalance we grew up with.
When we regularly practice Step Ten, we are able to stay current. Learning to keep the scales balanced, we acknowledge our feelings and act purposefully in situations, thereby gaining emotional sobriety. We celebrate our lives as they become more sane and manageable.
On this day I will identify my feelings and focus on my own needs, I will practice balance with my responsibilities to others and my responses to the situations I face.
"We give service just by being present to support and encourage other members of the program as they make the transition from frightened adult children to whole human beings who are capable of acting with the spontaneity of a child and the wisdom of a mature adult." BRB p. 354
As adult children, we inherently have the gift of being sensitive and present for others. Yet many of us weren't taught to cultivate this gift in a healthy manner. Because our inherent value wasn't nurtured and was basically forced or punished into hiding, the gift of service was distorted into codependent behavior that caused us to look for love and acceptance through people-pleasing, caretaking, and approval-seeking.
Now, in ACA, we can direct this gift into healthy service. Being present, supportive, and encouraging of others in their ACA work contributes exponential momentum to our own recovery. We experience exhilaration when we feel the release of our fears and restrictions, and naturally feel and act on our inherent spontaneity and wisdom. In turn, this enthusiasm motivates other recovering adult children to share this momentum and exhilaration. As we pass it on, we all receive the benefits of our shared gift.
On this day I will attend an ACA meeting or have a one-on-one interaction with a fellow traveler. I will be truly present, supporting and encouraging another adult child as they release the fears and restrictions of the false self, and feel the exhilaration of their True Self.
"When I first came into the program, I would apologize to everyone and everything at the drop of a hat." BRB p. 250
Everything was always our fault. In our family, our very food and shelter were earned by our being the doormat. By taking the abuse year after year, month after month, day after day, and hour after hour, we learned to be invisible. We were containers that those around us filled with their poisoned words and actions. But we mistakenly believed there were some benefits also - a sense of belonging, except that we didn't even know who we were outside of this role.
As we grow and begin setting boundaries where there were none, we find our True Selves. We learn to connect more fully to our Higher Power by going on this journey. We accept that when we don't please people, they are not pleased - so be it. We allow those angry stares to live with the person who gives them. We slowly learn not to internalize the fear we grew up with. We cultivate new, loving relationships as we work the Steps. We remember our past and move through it to a new freedom, a freedom we never knew existed.
On this day I will respond when I know what I want to say, and not because I feel like I need to make someone else happy.
"These adult children rarely stop to think that self-sufficiency is covering up a fear of rejection which they think could come if they ask for help." BRB p. 102
Most of us had no one we could consistently rely on as children. Everyone seemed to be caught up in the dysfunction, and we were left to manage things ourselves. We became very self-sufficient and were sometimes even praised for that ability.
As adults, our self-sufficiency became a way of controlling things around us. If we did it ourselves, then we didn't have to rely on anyone else, especially because experience told us that most people weren't trustworthy anyway.
Even in recovery, some of us clung to our self-sufficiency, not asking for help because we found it hard to believe that we'd get it. And we would simply not allow ourselves to feel rejected yet again.
But as we continued to go to meetings, we gradually heard the truths we needed and became stronger. We learned to allow ourselves to feel vulnerable and trust that there was help available if only we would ask for it - help in our recovery, help in our work life, and help in our personal life.
On this day I will give myself the gift of asking for help, whether it's in my recovery or anywhere in life.
"We learned to block or deny our feelings as children to protect ourselves from our unhealthy family." BRB p. 343
Many of us were raised in homes where there wasn't enough love. We weren't encouraged to be ourselves and realize our true potential. We weren't allowed to have normal feelings, so we became numb. We may have been shamed when we felt sad or angry, ridiculed when we showed fear, or shunned when we sought love and understanding from our parents. What we took away was that there was something wrong with us.
And there was some truth to that, but not in the way we thought. We knew how to feel shame, guilt, sadness and fear, but the main problem was we felt them when we didn't need to.
Now, with the help of ACA, our meetings, and our sponsor or fellow traveler, we are given the chance to reparent ourselves. We learn how to feel without letting our feelings control us. We grow in self-confidence.
As our feelings surface, we begin to make decisions about how to handle them. Shall we speak our truth to those around us and try to work things out? Or shall we remain silent, either because the atmosphere is not safe or we don't want to upset the apple cart? There is no one right way. We give ourselves permission to choose what's best for us at the time. If we're uncomfortable with our choice, we ask for help.
On this day I ask for the courage and honesty to recognize my true feelings and deal with them honestly and safely.
"The third Identity Paper examined the steep cost of surviving by hiding the vulnerable and wounded child in a prison of isolation, the high price of using the myriad methods we employ to protect the vulnerable self by staying emotionally intoxicated and numb." BRB p. 628
When we came to ACA, many of us had experience with other programs that dealt with sobriety. We may have even heard about emotional sobriety before, but when we learned it was the focus of this program, it really got our attention. We knew we felt out of control a lot of the time, unable to think clearly. Our minds went 100 miles an hour, and many of us had trouble turning them off at night to go to sleep. We couldn't sit still with our feelings. We used activities as a drug to numb ourselves when we were uneasy.
Understanding that we were dealing with emotional intoxication made sense. And we were tired of living that way.
Our journey to free ourselves helps us come out of isolation and relate to others who are finding success. We work the Steps and reach out to our Higher Power and our fellow traveler for help. We practice sitting still with our feelings and let it be okay. We ask our loving parent to speak words of encouragement to our vulnerable self so that we don't get busy to avoid our feelings. We no longer have to walk around numb; we can make it.
On this day I will remember that being alive comes with feelings, and my feelings are all okay! I am entitled to a rich life of emotional sobriety.
"My ACA counselor understood what I was trying to do. She helped me understand my loss or the pain of my ‘stuck grief' through the Fourth and Fifth Steps." BRB p. 150
The "stuck grief" is very difficult to dislodge because we keep up an endless array of defenses to keep it stuck. We can experience an overabundance of anger, sadness, food, shopping, underachieving, sloppiness, procrastination or cleanliness - a list that only skims the surface of how many ways we can keep our grief embedded.
Difficult as it may seem, the defenses and resistances we have deployed to protect us can be addressed and lowered and lessened after being in the program for a while. With regular attendance at meetings and the use of a fellow traveler or an ACA counselor, we find the strength to allow ourselves to become vulnerable.
As we continue on this new path, we develop greater trust and lessen our fear, which allows us to delve into a Fourth and Fifth Step and dislodge our "stuck grief." Like an un-stuck jam of logs, our grief begins to flow again down the river of our daily lives. We let the natural currents gently and slowly release it into the ocean of our Higher Power's love for us.
On this day I will work with my fellow traveler or ACA counselor to develop trust and lose the fear of dislodging my "stuck grief," knowing that the flow will be set by my Higher Power in whom I have developed trust.
"We learn that we cannot recover alone or in isolation." BRB p. 516
We recover together, sharing the risk of sharing our stories. We risk rejection. We risk humiliation. We risk being afraid that our words won't make sense. We risk crying. We risk being angry. We risk healing.
When we witness one another's pain and shame, those feelings lose their power over us. We break the chains that kept us dispirited, disempowered, disenfranchised, and isolated. Our group carries the collective grief that must no longer be borne alone.
When our loss is brought to the meetings or to the telephone, we no longer cower in silence. We begin to grow wings. We create room in our hearts for hope and trust. We find our power, our center, and our compass. We create space for love, joy, peace, serenity, and our True Selves. We find our Higher Power. We embrace our fellow travelers. We stand shoulder to shoulder, heart to heart, spirit to spirit, and bow our heads in gratitude to a Higher Power for giving us this program. We honor our courage to give the gift of recovery to ourselves.
On this day I choose to co-create a healing sanctuary in my group, which gathers its strength from a power greater than our individual selves.
"Looking back, things seemed simpler when Dr. William Silkworth wrote his opinion for AA's ‘Big Book' in 1939, including his naming alcoholism as a disease." BRB p. xxvii
Today we understand that alcoholism is a family disease, but Dr. Silkworth's opinion was a very bold statement in 1939. Back then it lifted alcoholics from their deep pool of shame. But their children were left to labor under the effects of the disease. They received no help and were usually not even thought of as part of the equation. Parents often excused the effects on their children by saying they were resilient and would "get over it." But today we know that's not true - it isn't nearly that simple.
Like the courageous young adults who led the way for us in the mid-1970s, today we in ACA continue to break new ground in uncovering the effects of the family disease of alcoholism. We are discovering solutions that work. We start by acknowledging that for most of us, the damage done to us in childhood was like the trauma soldiers suffer in battle. Then, along with the Steps, we use the sure-fire tool of reparenting ourselves to build our own road to emotional sobriety.
As we make our way, we applaud each other's growth and empowerment. We encourage each other as we face the painful memories, learn to stop reacting and work on healing ourselves. On this day I will continue to admit that the disease of alcoholism infected me in the past. By also acknowledging its effects on me today, I find my way on the road to recovery.
"However, the process of recovery takes time and patience. This is not easy." BRB p. 72
Looking back to the first ACA meeting we went to, most of us remember the anguish, hopelessness, or turbulence we were experiencing. We never understood our addiction to excitement, but we knew our lives felt out of control and something had to change. We kept hoping the other people in our lives would make the changes so we could experience instant relief, but that wasn't happening.
As we began our recovery, we realized that change wasn't going to happen overnight and that it was okay to take it at our own pace. We learned that change takes patience - to keep coming back, to find a sponsor, to work through the Steps, and to get to an understanding of how important forgiveness and love are. It can take time for us to allow ourselves to feel the calm of serenity.
Some of us have said we pray for things to be boring. That's because we want to end our common love affair with the adrenaline that gets released through excitement and drama. But with practice, and yes, patience, we understand how valuable being in the present moment is. We get there by simply slowing down and trusting in our Higher Power.
On this day I will be patient with my recovery process, acknowledging that I am giving myself a wonderful gift.
"From the nonalcoholic parent we learn helplessness, worry, black-and-white thinking, being a victim, and self-hate." BRB p. 24
Many of us grew up with one parent who was an abuser and one who was our caretaker. The first abandoned us in the midst of their addiction, whether it was alcohol, sexual acting out, workaholism or something else that took them from us. The other parent seemed to hold things together, and we were grateful. But we were often drawn into their addictions, including their extreme points of view, worry, and playing the relationship victim. We had to participate in order to survive.
As adults, we saw that some of our learned behaviors kept us from owning our own power. Many of us were still afraid of aggressive people. We worried constantly, seemingly about everything. We played the victim at work and in our relationships; we were naturals because our codependent/ caretaker parent modeled that behavior for us for years. When we finally realized how we hated ourselves for these behaviors, we knew it was time to get help.
We learn in ACA that our self-destructive behaviors come from both parents. New feelings surface with our realizations, although we aren't always sure where they come from. It can be startling. But we honor those feelings and don't push them away.
As we continue to make progress, we release our self-destructive patterns, recognizing their origins. They no longer have a place in our lives.
On this day I now choose my own role and how I respond to the world around me.
"As adult children we have lived a life of isolation for too long. Recovery is about connection." BRB p. xxiv
We often hear in meetings that the program "works when you work it." And we do work hard at it. But sometimes we find ourselves, suddenly it seems, relapsing. We're worried about saying the wrong thing, not feeling connected with those around us, feeling overwhelmed, procrastinating, and wasting time on our escapes instead of doing something good for ourselves. When we realize what's going on, we may ask ourselves, "How can I pull myself out of this?"
But that question misses the point of how the program works. The better question is "Who can I reach out to?" We remind ourselves that we are no longer alone. Being compulsively self-reliant keeps us stuck in a place we no longer want to be.
In understanding that we have options, we learn that the simple act of picking up the phone or going to a meeting can make all the difference. It just takes a little trust. What have we got to lose? Perhaps just our feelings of worthlessness, self-pity, shame, and self-loathing that can seem to lurk just around the corner. And how good it feels to work through these feelings, one day at a time! We find that the program works. We now have enough evidence.
On this day I trust that the simple act of connecting with a fellow ACA is what the program is all about. It can keep me on a positive path with my Higher Power and my recovery.