Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"We can find serenity in ACA." BRB p. 442
We may not have experienced what we think of as serenity - we see it as something other people have, not us. We may not even know what serenity is, let alone where to look for it. What does it feel like?
It may be best to start by examining what we think serenity might be. Maybe it's a magical, peaceful feeling that totally engulfs someone 24 hours a day, seven days a week. With this feeling, people never feel stress, fear or anxiety. Well, that's a nice idea to contemplate, but we know in our heart of hearts it's not reality.
A more realistic view of serenity is to think of it as a core of acceptance that already resides deep inside us; something that we haven't yet tapped into or perhaps acknowledged. It may be small, even tiny now. But it will grow. We learn to recognize and feel little moments of it in our lives.
With the help of our ACA group, we find serenity when we accept our life - past and present, and learn to trust the future. As part of this shift in our mindset, we learn that serenity is achievable. We understand that we won't feel it 24/7, but it will be present enough to change our lives.
On this day I will remind myself that I already have serenity inside me. It is up to me to help it grow by building acceptance and trust through the ACA program.
"We realize that we are practicing the concept of self-forgiveness when we hear ourselves talking about being gentle with ourselves." BRB p. 113
Being gentle with ourselves is not second nature to us. Few of us had good role models in that respect. As a result, we learned to lock our thoughts inside our heads where we often fell prey to negative messages.
As we learn to care for the needs of our Inner Child, we begin to release the harsh self-criticism we honed through the years. We allow ourselves to be human, and we acknowledge that to be human is to make mistakes.
We may find ourselves incessantly reliving our actions because we think we made a mistake. ACA offers us many new resources that can help quell our critical inner voice. We can call a fellow traveler, read from the Red Text, attend an in-person or phone meeting, pray, meditate or practice any number of new behaviors. The list is long and purposeful.
We learn to take an inventory of our actions when we think we've done something wrong, and acknowledge our feelings. Maybe we made a mistake; maybe we took a small misstep. Maybe we are hearing false messages from childhood. By being open to a daily review, we can turn things around and practice healthy behavior. We can affirm our humanness and our desire to grow.
On this day I show my Inner Child love and acceptance by practicing gentleness and self-forgiveness.
"While grief can be perceptible through writing and talking about our memories, some grief is not always visible." BRB p. 200
ACA encourages us to journal and share our story to help with our grieving process. While some of us use only these tools, there are thankfully many other tools available.
That's important to know because for some of us, our grief doesn't always surface while we are writing or talking. The hidden Inner Child may be too terrorized to respond to these methods. If this is the case, we learn to experiment with other methods to gain our Inner Child's trust. One tool is the non-dominant handwriting exercise. Another is seeing a qualified therapist.
Whatever method works for us to uncover the grief, eventually sharing what we find will empower us to continue the journey toward wholeness with the support of our meetings and our fellow travelers. There's plenty of room in our toolbox for whatever tools we may find along the way that help us get to the heart of what we're dealing with.
But we are careful about advising others how to do this work, since what may work for us, may not work for someone else.
Our goals are what we focus on: to awaken spiritually, integrate our Traits, and reparent ourselves to wholeness with gentleness, humor, love, and respect.
On this day I will use the tools of recovery as well as any other tools that can help me to get in touch with my Inner Child.
"While therapy is not a replacement for the ACA program, many of our members have benefited from counselors who are familiar with ACA or Twelve Step work." BRB p. 447
After some time in ACA, many of us wondered about therapy and counseling. We heard our friends share about recovering with such help. We wondered if we should look into it. Some of us had never been to a counselor before, and we were nervous to start something new, thinking it might get us off track. We knew of others who had been in therapy before and it didn't seem to go well.
So we read Chapter 16 in the BRB, "ACA and Therapy," with an open mind. We learned what a therapist should and shouldn't do, because the BRB gave us the step by-step process we needed. We said the "Therapy Affirmations" several days in a row. Then, while leaning on our Higher Power, we decided to use the "Questions to ask a Therapist" while calling a few of them. And we found someone who seemed like a good fit.
We bounced the results off our ACA friends. Then, with our support network in place, we took a leap of faith and tried something new. We opened the door to another tool of recovery. We knew that if we didn't like the results, we had the resources to talk about it. And if our gut says it's not working, we can change directions.
On this day I will remember that ACA has many suggestions for recovery, and I can try something new.
"In addition to the meetings, we chat after the meeting with others. We go for coffee at a nearby coffee shop, and we introduce ourselves. This is carrying the message as well, outside the walls of the meeting." BRB p. 514
We go to a meeting and afterwards people stand around and talk and maybe some go out for coffee. That's part of the fellowship of this program. But why is it important? Why should we participate?
When we begin our positive life changes, we often feel less comfortable with the non-program people in our lives. It can become a challenge to have more functional relationships.
For most of us, our meetings become another family - one built on trust and shared recovery experiences. But even so, it's often uncomfortable for a lot of us to have conversations with wonderful people we may not know well. Going out for coffee is a great way to practice new behavior and establish relationships, even if it doesn't come easy. We use this as a way of further introducing ourselves to our fellow ACA members.
On this day I will practice new behaviors by spending more social time with my new family.
"Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities." BRB p. 549
The Traditions are guidelines that help our meetings run smoothly and remain safe. If something goes off course, it's usually because one or more of the Traditions are not being followed.
Reminding ourselves to place principles before personalities is a healthy choice that keeps us individually and collectively grounded. When we forget this concept, some of us can slip into practicing old behaviors, such as allowing ourselves to become offended by or irritated with what another ACA says or does. Whatever the trigger is, we can build resentments and even become paranoid or blind to the reality of the situation. This can subtly or overtly infect our meetings. Strong, Tradition-focused meetings can help us uncover the truth and remain open to the differences among us.
The Serenity Prayer can also keep us in tune with Tradition Twelve. When we ask to accept what we cannot change and the courage to change what we can, we are above all asking our Higher Power for the wisdom to know the difference. This helps us stay centered on ourselves instead of others.
On this day I will ask myself what I am doing to contribute to the safety of my meeting. In doing so, I remind myself that I am choosing a healthier way to live my life.
"Keep coming back. It works!" BRB p. 565
This is a wonderful, simple old slogan we hear in recovery, but what does it mean? For newcomers, it may just seem like a nice platitude. But those of us with some experience in ACA know that little by little, small miracles happen as we continue to show up.
Perhaps we find ourselves picking up the phone more easily, or we talk to our fellow travelers with a greater feeling of safety. We start to feel less alone or unique in the world. We feel less shame in telling our stories. We start to disbelieve and detach from the messages the family disease trained us to integrate. We come to know we are innocent children and that we each have a Higher Power of our own choosing. We start to sincerely forgive ourselves for mistakes we've made. In doing so, we realize that even though we have made mistakes, we are not mistakes.
These are some of the miracles we start to experience simply by showing up. We do our part; our Higher Power does its part. Our efforts are accumulating. Invisible scales of compassion, not judgment, are beginning to tip in our favor. "Keep coming back. It works!" means what it says. Miracles can and do happen in this program.
On this day I will trust that my actions in recovery are cumulative, and nothing I do goes to waste. Little by little, my efforts pay off
"Each ACA member is equal to the next and has an equal voice regardless of job status or career track. We are all adult children who relate to one another at the level of empathy instead of the level of employment or lack of employment." BRB p. 528
In the rooms of recovery, we may sit next to a doctor, a priest, a janitor, a housewife, or just about any profession we can think of. But who are we really sitting next to? We are sitting next to another adult child, with all of the fears, insecurities and trauma that can entail. In a society where our worth appears to be measured in material things or the position we hold, there are few other places besides a 12 Step meeting where we are all on equal footing, where no one of us makes decisions for the others.
In ACA we are spiritual beings going through a human experience. We are reaching out to each other for the love and understanding that was not given to us in our family of origin. We celebrate each other's victories and support each other in our times of sorrow.
Success in ACA is not measured with money or social status, but with inner peace and serenity. We share our experience, strength and hope with each other as we laugh together, cry together and know that we are home.
On this day I know that in this world I am not alone as long as I have my fellow travelers.
"The first time I read the common behaviors of an adult child, I felt like a bell that had been fetched up and rang hard. I was calm on the outside, but I was vibrating on the inside." BRB p. 118
When we first heard "our" story told, it seemed like we floated around the room for the rest of the meeting. What just happened? Did we really hear that? How does this person know about us? We felt frightened, but we weren't sure why.
We may have even gone home and taken a nap, or walked through the rest of our day in a daze. When we woke up the next day, we may have felt hung over.
What we find is that we identify with the ACA Problem and the Laundry List Traits and with other adult children. We have learned many tools to deal with those defenses as we grow in the program with our sponsors and with our Step work. We lean on the people who came before us to show us the way to serenity and wholeness until we possess those qualities with stability in ourselves. We know we are not alone.
On this day I will call my sponsor. If I don't have a fellow traveler yet, I will call someone with more experience in the program than me and ask them if they're willing to walk with me through the Steps.
"We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable." BRB p. 118
Of course we are powerless. Haven't we been powerless most of our lives?
In ACA we learn to think of this word in a new light. When we hang around meetings long enough to listen, we find that our very power comes from surrender. The First Step tells us that we had actually been giving away our power at the exact time we sought to keep it. As we learn to healthfully surrender by walking away and letting go, we begin experiencing a new freedom.
We stop trying to fix others so that we can feel more comfortable, and in the process teach them how to take care of us. We take care of ourselves and allow others to fall down and not get up if that is what they must do. We walk away from the emotional car crashes that have caused us to feel like victims most of our lives. We realize we never really had the power to change anyone, especially those we grew up with.
As we make healthier choices, we start to see results in our lives. It is no longer the right thing to complain when we can just simply step away from the dialog. Because we now value our serenity, we release the idea that it is our job to change the world around us.
On this day I see wonderful things happening in my life as I loosen my grip…and let go.
"The mind developed the Laundry List Traits or the false self to survive." BRB p. xxvi
Many of us were born into a hostile world. Instinctively, we learned to sense danger. We were caught in the family story and played our part, doing what we had to do to survive. We couldn't be our genuine selves - who we were meant to be. We molded a personality that could change at the drop of a hat, adapting to any situation. It took a lot of skill to survive, and our false self kept us safe in childhood.
Before ACA, most of us didn't know we had carried this false self into adulthood. As we gained new awareness, it helped us notice the constant barrage of negative thoughts our false self gave off. It seemed the 14 Traits were part of our DNA.
As we move forward with courage, we use meetings and recovery friends as support. Our literature informs us and remodels our thinking. The Steps help us find who we truly are. We know the Traits were an important part of our early survival, but now they are holding us back. Standing at the crossroads, we choose to allow our Inner Child to come out of hiding. We become our True Self. As we recover, the Traits begin to soften to a point where they lose their hold on us.
On this day I will remember how far I have come. I treasure the self-knowledge I've gained in ACA that no longer gives my false self power.
"We have seen adult children use the principles of the Twelve Steps to handle family illness, despair, and death with amazing serenity and faith." BRB p. 291
The beauty of the Steps is that they guide us in our recovery from having grown up in a dysfunctional home, providing us with a healthy spiritual base from which to live our lives. When we remain engaged with our recovery by attending meetings regularly and reaching out to other adult children, we maintain a level of spiritual fitness that will assist us in coping with the inevitable challenges we will face.
With strengthened spirits, we live from a solid foundation that will not collapse, even during times of crisis. Situations and events will come at us unexpectedly, and we will be presented with difficulties and painful circumstances - this is certain. Rather than reacting unconsciously and repeating unhealthy behavior patterns, we act purposefully while maintaining our peace. The Steps are the tools that help us navigate the uncharted territory that is our life. By continuing to apply what we have learned on a regular basis, we can face the trials of life with grace.
On this day I will apply the universal wisdom contained within the Twelve Steps to whatever problem I am facing.
"We stay in abusive relationships because they resemble how we were raised." BRB p. 197
We're going along and things seem to be working smoothly, and suddenly, "Bam!" The rug gets pulled out. We feel betrayed by the ones who supposedly love us the most. And we feel stupid for trusting again that things will be better.
This can describe what happened in our childhood and also what happens in our adult relationships. We can experience abuse as an adult, whether it's with our family of origin or another relationship.
We may get knocked down emotionally or physically, but with the help of the program, we can now learn to separate ourselves from the abuser. We are not trapped like we were as children.
In ACA, we learn to trust and to feel at a level we never experienced before. We have choices - to continue to hope the others will change as we continue to be abused, or remove ourselves and find a safe haven. There are many levels of safe haven, from a shelter to simply being in a meeting with our ACA friends. They are available if we are ready to stand free.
On this day I will choose the best path for my emotional health. I prepare myself to make life-changing decisions to remove myself from my abusive relationships.
"Through meditation, we begin to visualize emotional sobriety." BRB p. 265
Many of us had trouble learning the rules of punctuation when we were in grade school. We wrote sentences without commas, such as: "We ate the dog did not," which sounded like we "ate the dog." The rules were foreign to us and seemed difficult to master. But as we trudged forward, we picked up little tips along the way, like using commas that told us to "breathe/pause here."
Emotional sobriety can be very much like punctuation because it allows us to set limits and be more clear about our wants and needs. When we pause and breathe, life becomes more manageable. As we learn to express our unexpressed grief to others in the program, we find that they understand what we're saying because we're saying it in a way they can hear us.
As we listen intently to the Problem and the Solution when they're read in our meetings, we learn to not only hear but absorb them. We begin to visualize what our life can be like if we practice the Steps and use the tools of ACA, including meditation. We learn to pause, breathe deeply, focus and start to make emotional sobriety a reality in our lives.
On this day I will pause and remember that just as it took time to learn the rules of punctuation in school, so too can I achieve emotional sobriety with practice and focus. But the effort is definitely worth it!
"We often cannot avoid triggers, but we can change the way we deal with them." BRB p. 253
"They really know how to push my buttons!" How often have we said this to ourselves or heard others say it? The buttons are the repressed memories or resentments we have stored in that place in our mind and body that we never want to visit.
So when someone says or does something that awakens those memories, the battle begins. It's as if these old memories and resentments are poised at the gate, waiting to get out, waiting for us to finally deal with them, and reminding us that until we do, they will always be there.
Unlike most other recovery programs, ACA encourages us to resurrect those memories and resentments and put them on the table in a safe and loving environment. In doing so, the miracle happens. They begin to lose their power, and little by little we find that we can, in fact, deal with them without feeling as helpless as we did when the events actually occurred.
ACA is the safe place that allows this to happen. Our fellow travelers have also been that scared five-year-old, and they know how we feel.
On this day I know that taking away the power of old memories will also take away the power of the triggers.