Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"We believe that something is wrong with us even though we cannot voice what the thing is. With this belief, we can go through our adult lives silently condemning ourselves and doubting ourselves as a normal course of living." BRB p. 30
When most of us came to ACA we had tried different approaches to change that may have helped move us forward a bit, but the underlying suffering and selfsabotage persisted. We were aware of our patterns, but we didn't know how to stop them.
It was easy for us to think there was something wrong that we couldn't stop. We thought we were doomed to this fate, and the hopelessness of it led to and perpetuated addictive and dysfunctional behaviors. This helped us feel alone and isolated, afraid to come out of hiding to expose the roots we were so ashamed of.
If we're fortunate and courageous enough to practice ACA recovery, we start to emerge from the "curse-like" nature of these painful thoughts. We feel glimpses of hope and promise that there is a way to stop repeating these painful patterns. We can stop condemning and doubting ourselves by speaking our truth in a safe and empathetic environment with other ACAs. We discover we're not alone; others have felt the same self-condemnation and self-doubt. This helps liberate us. We begin to build bridges that open ourselves to a new freedom and selflove that is ultimately what we've longed for.
On this day I will continue to be honest about my self-doubts and have the courage to tell my story. I will remember that I am not alone in this journey.
"Family dysfunction drives the Inner Child into hiding, leaving states of fear that wander the adult's soul. While the Inner Child or True Self can be the spark of our creativity, we must also remember the child is a deeply hurt part of ourselves." BRB p. 303
Long ago, in order to protect ourselves from the pain of having a dysfunctional family, we shut away our most vibrant essence, our True Self. Instinctively, we knew this tender and vulnerable part of us was unsafe and must be hidden away. Today, we may have lost touch with our True Self or Inner Child, forgetting he or she is waiting to be healed.
We have many buried hurts and disappointments that get triggered when we are reminded of the circumstances surrounding our original pain. It is then that our Inner Child reacts and we may find ourselves engaged in selfdestructive behaviors if we don't provide appropriate comfort and reassurance.
When we work the ACA program and take the time to uncover our pain while treating our Inner Child with unconditional love, we begin to heal. Having the courage to listen will expose the pain we denied for so long. It also will bring back to life our childlike joy and wonder. We give voice to the child within so we can finally resolve the lifetime of pain he or she has shouldered.
On this day I unconditionally support my Inner Child so we both have the freedom to heal and feel safe.
"We cannot overstate the need for creating an extensive family diagram, which reveals with greater clarity the effects of family dysfunction in our lives today." BRB p. 127
Many of our families told us we were screw-ups, and we ate that label hook, line, and sinker. We may have thought we were the only ones who were messed up - until we drafted a family tree with a twist.
Our ACA family diagram lists our ancestors, just as any family tree would. But we add at least one label from page 128 of the BRB to each person. We determine the labels by finding out whatever family history we can from our relatives. We probably know that Mom was a martyr and Dad was a loner. But maybe we didn't know that Grandpa was a ladies' man and Grandma worried excessively, or that Great Grandpa was a workaholic and Great Grandma drank too much, although they called it something else.
Our diagram helps us see that the way we talk, dress, walk, and smile may also belong to people from our past. This helps us decide what we want to keep, and what coping mechanisms we may have been imitating that no longer work for us.
When we realize that we may have been imitating what we observed, the family secrets stop and our own lives begin. Armed with this knowledge, we are free to make our own choices as we learn to reparent ourselves.
On this day I will remember the past so that I don't repeat the patterns of my family's dysfunction. The secrets are out in the open.
"Who would have thought that talking, trusting, and feeling would equal a spiritual experience, but it does for adult children. We felt this new spirituality in our breathing and in the sense that we could face life on life's terms." BRB p. 285
It seems rather simple: show up at a meeting, listen, share and go home. These basic acts of self-care bring significant changes to our lives. When we make time in our day to attend a meeting, we practice self-love. When we give each other attention, we show each other that we care. When we listen quietly, attentively and respectfully, we become witnesses of another person's growth and our own. When we feel comfortable enough to share our recovery story, we demonstrate trust in the group. When we make an effort to accept the space we are in, we display our own vulnerability and move forward.
These simple acts of self-care yield a spiritual experience that far outweighs our efforts. Our fellow ACAs listen with empathy without interrupting our process, and they witness our spiritual experience, too.
As we learn to trust and surrender to the process, memories or feelings surface from beneath the weight of the now crumbling false self. We become free to breathe, to take positive, simple steps as we heal and truly live our lives.
On this day I take simple steps to practice self-care so that I may experience the spiritual nature of my recovery.
"It occurred to me while we were discussing the personality conflict that I was reacting to my co-worker's physical demeanor, which subconsciously reminded me of my brutal alcoholic stepfather." BRB p. 425
Sometimes we don't even hear the words. A glare or body posture that's reminiscent of our childhood is enough to send us into fear and shame. We were taught to react this way by caregivers we felt we had to placate in order to get our basic needs met. Some of us were sexually abused in the process or physically beaten. In that world, we had no alternative. We were stuck.
But now we are grownups who can take care of ourselves. When we experience fear and shame brought on by someone else's actions, whether in the workplace or elsewhere, we no longer play the game. We start to let others be accountable for what they say and do and how they feel; we let go of the non-verbal cues. When it is safe, we ask questions. "It seems like you're upset. Is there something you would like to talk about?" We no longer pretend and try to manipulate people and things.
If the situation is dangerous, we remove ourselves, going to where we are nourished and loved. We are no longer controlled by others. We claim our power as an act of self-love.
On this day I will own my power. If others seem grouchy or unapproachable, I let that live with them and don't make it mine or try to fix it.
"Each time we judged ourselves without mercy for common mistakes, there was loss." BRB p. 199
Many of us raised in dysfunctional families got the message that there was no room for error. We may have been raised by controlling parents who expected perfection. We were scolded or even abused for making mistakes. We weren't allowed to be kids and learn from our mistakes or taught that making mistakes was part of being human.
We internalized this judgment. Even after we left our childhood homes, we treated ourselves harshly when we made mistakes. Recurring thoughts may have kept an underlying anxiety alive within us, such as "I'm afraid I'm going to get in trouble. I'm afraid I'm going to get caught." Some of us were so ashamed of mistakes that we lied or cheated to cover them up. We might even have tried to numb ourselves from the anxiety of it all by engaging in addictive or compulsive behavior.
When we embrace ACA recovery, we discover that we can reveal our imperfections in a supportive fellowship. We can openly share stories of what we used to hide, and receive loving acceptance. We know we're not alone when we hear someone else share. We feel exhilarated and free when we work the Steps.
On this day I will identify a mistake I made and judged myself harshly for. I will tell this to at least one person whom I trust and feel unconditional acceptance from.
"Healthy boundaries and limits will become easier for us to set." BRB p. 591
As children, our integrity was badly mangled. Physical, psychological, social, and spiritual boundaries were rarely, if ever, respected in our homes. As a result of this conditioning, we didn't learn to honor our own boundaries or those of others. If we grew up in a house where our toes were continually stepped on and no one took responsibility, we may have become toe-steppers and believed it was normal.
We "come to" at ACA meetings. We learn about respecting boundaries at our first meeting when we observe the no cross talk rule. This healthy boundary allows each of us to express our reality without comment, judgment or placating behavior. As we continue to attend meetings and share our experiences, we may discover other levels of toe-stepping that we are still acting out.
Through the Steps, we discover how our childhood boundaries were violated. From there, we progress to acknowledging how those violations affect us today. Through reparenting ourselves, we reestablish healthy internal and external boundaries. We begin to restore our integrity by making others - even those in authority - aware of the healthy limits we are setting in our lives.
On this day I will honor healthy boundaries at my ACA meetings. I will use them as stepping stones to acknowledging my buried childhood memories and feelings. I am learning to set boundaries with integrity.
"Through recovery, we realize our childhood experiences have great spiritual value. We recognize that we can help ourselves and others." BRB p. 334
In ACA, our journey back to the trauma of our childhoods does not come without pain. For some of us, the intensity of the feelings may be greater now than they were then because we were not allowed to feel or show our feelings as children. As adults, until we started this journey, most of us did not let ourselves feel the powerlessness and vulnerability that is necessary to heal our woundedness.
At the start of recovery, if someone had said that one day we would look at our childhood experiences as having value, many of us might have had great doubt that would occur. Some of us avoided this journey because we thought that if we ever started to cry, we wouldn't be able to stop. But with faith in our Higher Power and the strength of our fellow travelers, we became willing.
The guidance of the Steps and the support of other ACAs helped us release the pain of our past. The sharing of our experiences helped us see spiritual value in what we were finding, not only for ourselves, but because of the hope we offered to other recovering adult children.
On this day I know that being willing to share my journey helps me first and foremost, but it also helps others understand that this journey is spiritual. I am now able to reconcile my past and live in serenity.
"Even though we were whipped emotionally, we held out hope that a new relationship, a new job, or a move would be the cure, but it never was." BRB p. 334
We gave our all to other people. We were trained to do that. Who we were as people, our hopes and dreams, were not important.
We found ourselves in old situations again and again, with different faces. We moved to a new city to get out of messes, we changed jobs and we ended relationships. But our parents continued to appear in different forms, or there was the destructive relationship we had with our uncle or sister, but with a different face.
Some ACA meetings use this version of the Serenity Prayer.
Higher Power, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change the courage to change the one I can and the wisdom to know that one is me.
It hurts when we start to come out of denial, but it doesn't hurt forever. We hold on to our program and to our Higher Power. We learn to nurture those parts of us that need attention in order to grow. We bring light where there is no light by shining the love in the universe onto those wounded parts that still hide inside us. They want to come out to tell their stories and heal.
On this day, with my Higher Power's help, I will focus on myself to find the solution that will keep me from repeating my past patterns.
"Being in an ACA Twelve Step meeting was being in a place where without speaking I sat with others who genuinely knew me." BRB p. xviii
All we knew was that our lives weren't working. In the midst of the dysfunction we found the strength to reach out for help. It was suggested that our childhoods were still affecting us and that ACA might be a good idea. So we took a leap of faith and attended our first ACA meeting.
Almost immediately we felt a sense of comfort without really knowing what this group was all about. We began to hear what others were saying; it was as if they knew us without actually knowing us. We came to realize that we all had similar characteristics as a result of being brought up in dysfunctional madness. We knew we had arrived at a potential solution for so often feeling alone and different.
We found that this process of healing showed us how to grow from the inside out, and we knew we were on the right path. We found great comfort in the knowledge that the 12 Steps were leading us to spiritual recovery and growth. ACA was helping us find a way out of isolation, fear, and terminal uniqueness.
On this day I will remember the feeling of safety I find in my meetings. I know that I am no longer alone.
"If you were touched, fondled, forced to perform sex acts, asked to perform sex acts, or watch sex acts as a child, it was not your fault no matter what the circumstance or no matter what was said by the adult or teen abusing you." BRB p. 174
Many of us came from sexually charged homes. We became part of our parents' sex life if they had sex in front of us. We may have been forced to listen to them talk about sex at the dinner table like it was no big deal. We might have been made a part of their extra-marital affairs when they fought about it in front of us and talked about it behind each other's backs.
We may have felt responsible for all of this. Our youth and sexuality were stolen from us because we couldn't protect ourselves. Their words became ingrained in us before we knew we were hurt. We may have acted out with other children to try and make sense of what we had heard, felt, and been exposed to. But then shame set in. Even so, it was hard to stop ourselves from sometimes being excited by the attention. We knew intuitively that this was a way we could get love, even though it felt bad.
Through ACA, we learn that no matter what happened to us, we know today that we are not alone, and that we aren't to blame.
On this day I will acknowledge my intense feelings that are tied up with any sexual abuse I experienced. I will stop myself from taking responsibility for what was done to me.
"Keep it simple, but create a prayer that is specific to you and your relationship with the Divine, Higher Power, or God." BRB p. 278
Due to the trauma of childhood, we have had many unanswered questions. "Who can I trust? How should I live my life? Will anyone or anything ever help me?" It has been almost impossible for many of us to rely on something outside of ourselves to help us find our truth, until we get to ACA.
Working the Steps helps us reconnect with a Higher Power of our own choosing. And prayers, or affirmations, can help us focus. There are many meaningful prayers in ACA; the Serenity Prayer that starts and ends most of our meetings and prayers at the end of many of the Steps in the BRB.
Creating a personal prayer can also be a way to confirm that we are part of the Power that helps guide us and gives us the strength we need. Our voices are finally heard when we speak our own truth. Our personal prayer can be as simple as "Higher Power, please guide me today. If I get scared, help me know I am not alone."
We can ask for the strength to work the 12 Steps, for understanding of what it means to be our own loving parent, and for help to learn how to heal our Inner Child. We remind ourselves we are not alone when we reach out to someone or something beyond ourselves.
On this day I know I am not alone, that my Higher Power is ready to help when I am ready to ask.
"Every adult child has unexpressed grief, which is usually represented by the symptoms of depression, lethargy, or forms of dissociation." BRB p. 199
We pretended for years that we were responsible for our own depression. We took drugs and acted out to combat the feelings that came up. We hung out with others who minimized and wallowed in pity and inaction. When the topic of sexual abuse or child abuse came up, we floated around the room, sometimes forgetting what other people were saying entirely. When we saw violence in a movie or on TV, we may have felt uncomfortable, but we ignored it.
Because we're the lucky ones who have found ACA, we are now seeing that there's a better way to live. When we go to meetings, we find people who speak their truth openly. We listen as those who came before us and after us spill the beans about their real thoughts. They talk about what they're doing to uncover the grief that underlies their depression and other symptoms that are a result of their childhoods. Through their examples, we learn to speak the language of the heart ourselves and we heal.
On this day I will go to a meeting to listen to the healing that's in evidence. If a meeting is not available, either in person or by phone, I will make contact with a fellow traveler so I can hear healing words.
"We run about attempting to control others and situations in an effort to avoid our own unmanageable lives." BRB p. 104
The need to try to control the people and things around us can be so strong. We may have this idea in our minds about how things "should" be. If only life were a certain way, we could feel good about ourselves. So we feel compelled to make the "should" a reality.
We push and prod and manipulate to try to get others to do what we want, completely missing the fact that we have to clean up our own house first. In the meantime, the harder we push, the crazier we feel because others never quite measure up to our ideals.
Step One tells us that control over others is a myth. Even though some things may change as a result of our efforts, we leave a lot of wreckage in our wake. Until we realize our powerlessness, until we realize the only ones we can truly change are ourselves, we will continue on a downward spiral, often driving the ones we care about from our lives, whether that happens emotionally, physically or both. It's a paradox of this program that only by admitting our powerlessness can we gain true manageability in our lives.
On this day I will remember to focus on myself and the changes I can make in my own life. I let others be so they can find their own path, even if it isn't the one I would choose for them.
"We learn to be in the moment and to be present in our bodies. We learn that our thoughts can end." BRB p. 266
When we got to ACA we may have never felt what it was like to be in our bodies and experience our feelings. We may have had extreme emotion, but we didn't know how to feel our feelings. The sense of panic that often washed over us seemed so familiar we may not have noticed it for what it was.
As we became full participants in our meetings, learning to bare our souls, we began to crack. Sometimes this was painful, but we knew we didn't have to go through the pain alone. We made phone calls and did the work. We asked a fellow traveler to work the Steps with us. We believed other ACAs when they said we were not alone.
We gathered the courage to sit through the pain of withdrawal from what was keeping us tied up inside. Maybe for the first time we felt the shame and abandonment from our childhood - they were like ticking time bombs inside of us. As our bodies unwound, we learned not to panic.
We gained trust in ourselves and our Higher Power. We moved out of our pain and the mental and physical lethargy that may have held us down. We accepted that we weren't perfect and life got better. We became authentic in our words and actions.
On this day I will not travel this journey alone. When I need help, I know I have my fellow ACAs and my Higher Power.