Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"Perfectionism is a response to a shame-based and controlling home. The child mistakenly believes that she can avoid being shamed if she is perfect in her thinking and acting." BRB p. 36
As children, many of us were either subtly or overtly shamed on a regular basis. We lacked true acceptance from our parents and learned to internalize the shame. We got the message that we were not okay as we were. Some of us tried to act in ways that garnered the approval and love we so longed for.
Further, we secretly blamed ourselves for our parent's alcoholism or dysfunction, thinking that if only we could be perfect, things would get better and our pain would end. But that was a losing battle. So we learned to associate being imperfect with being unlovable.
With our Higher Power as our true parent, in ACA we learn the right message: that we are worthy of love in all of our imperfection. We could not have changed our parents' sickness by being perfect, even if perfection was possible.
This is generational; our parents passed down the dysfunction in which they were also raised. But we are choosing to hear a different message and putting an end to the cycle of shame.
On this day I let go of my drive to be perfect by embracing the knowledge that I am enough and am lovable just as I am.
"In adult children PTSD tends to manifest itself in hypervigilance, compulsive behavior, and hard-to-detect body sensations. It is as if our bodies have ‘rewired' themselves to protect us from severe harm or severe harm that almost occurred." BRB p. 178
Soldiers learn immediately what hypervigilance means: Watch out! The enemy is close!
In our family of origin, we experienced hypervigilance on a regular basis. If we didn't watch out, we or someone close might get hurt. In the middle of these experiences, we vowed we'd never do that to our own families.
But alas! The lessons were too well taught. Something seems to snap, and it's as if we go into a trance, screaming, belittling, or calling our loved ones names. We scold, threaten, slam doors, and drive away in a cloud of dust. We push away those we love most. We've become the multigenerational living triggers that cause hypervigilance in our loved ones.
When we realize we've become the perpetrators, we look for help in the rooms of ACA. It's in the Steps that we identify the root of our hypervigilance. We look at our triggers to try to determine how and where they originated. Triggers derived from our hypervigilance are what make us inexplicably react, freeze, hold our breath, or shake in our shoes. As we learn more, we usually find fear and guilt at our core, and those feelings are often frozen. We bring them to life so we can heal.
On this day I will slow down and breathe deeply if I find myself feeling triggered by my hypervigilant reactions. I can nurture myself through this.
"Gossip, dramatic scenes, pending financial failure, or failing health are often the turmoil that adult children create in their lives to feel connected to reality. While such behavior is rarely stated as such, these behaviors are an ‘addiction' to excitement or fear." BRB p. 16
Many of us came into ACA perhaps unaware of the depth of chaos we had created around us. We felt we were in a fog we couldn't see our way out of. We didn't consciously cause this chaos. Our behavior resulted from the emotional and perhaps physical chaos we experienced in our childhood dysfunctional, abusive homes.
As we learned more about our addiction to excitement that drove us, we began to see how our fear was feeding us. And we realized that we needed this inner drug store to be closed for business. The adrenaline rush that we were not even aware of was blocking any progress. We knew the chaos had to stop.
As we find the answers in our meetings and by talking to others, we begin to nourish ourselves with a healthy program that brings us peace and serenity. We become committed to change because we've had the pain and anguish and we want to be done with it. We now have the inner radar to see what is coming, and when something feels wrong, we pause as long as we need to. Then we move away. We realize the health of our Inner Child is at stake!
On this day I will give my Inner Child and my adult the gift of freedom from fear and unhealthy excitement that we both need and deserve.
"ACA recovery begins when the adult child gives up, asks for help, and then accepts the help offered." BRB p. 123
Many of us grew up in families where it wasn't okay to give up, much less ask for help. We were just supposed to know how to do it, and if we didn't figure it out, then we were punished in some way.
As adults, we knew we had to do it all ourselves because we didn't know how to rely on others. To ask for help would make us seem inadequate, or maybe it would give people a reason to think we weren't smart enough.
So we kept at it and at it until one day we just couldn't do it anymore. Something gave way, and we hit a bottom. We couldn't manage life anymore; we were never given the right tools. We are the lucky ones in our families because we found help in an ACA meeting. We learned that it's okay to ask for that help-we were never meant to do it alone. We were given the wrong messages.
On this day I will remember that my support system in ACA is always available to me. I just have to be willing to ask.
"As children we are tied to our families by our physical needs." BRB p. 88
Many of us lived our childhood thinking what happened to us was our fault. But we existed at the whim of others. We were able to eat, but the price was being shamed by an angry parent or ignored by one who was self-involved. Some of us felt we were only given a place to sleep if we didn't talk about the sexual abuse going on in our house. We blamed ourselves because we had no other way of understanding the situation.
Today, as we see our childhood for what it was, we learn to replace the abuse by cultivating an inner loving parent. This parent protects our Inner Child and allows us to sit with things until they sort themselves out. We don't jump to conclusions or overreach for an outcome that we can't see. If we don't know what to do, we call someone and get help to turn it over. We allow our feelings to flow freely. It is cathartic.
No longer are we tied to our families in an unhealthy way. We focus on ourselves and begin to accept a Higher Power of our understanding. We don't rush to judgment when there is no clarity. We are a part of an awesome universe and we know we can't see all sides of it at once. We accept that we are where we need to be for today.
On this day my inner loving parent creates boundaries that make my Inner Child feel safe and whole, regardless of what's going on around me.
"Red flags that warn that a bottom or relapse is coming involve: dropping out of meetings and isolating; being argumentative or unreasonable; gossiping; losing focus and returning to one of the family roles of hero, lost child, or mascot; general noncommitment to recovery; avoiding the Steps and intellectualizing; failing to give service to ACA; binging on sex, drugs, food, or other compulsive behaviors; and acting with perfectionism and failing to talk about feelings and critical inner messages." BRB p. 70
ACA deals with deep attitudes and behaviors that sometimes are difficult to stay conscious of. Sure, the blaring ones are easy to recognize and to admit into our consciousness. But others lie beneath multiple layers of self-deception or socially-celebrated attributes.
When we miss meetings on a consistent basis, it may seem like a way of avoiding unwanted pain and disappointment. But it also provides the opportunity for our critical parent to distract us from our healing journey. This false self is masterful at finding ways to avoid doing the work that gives us a lifeline of hope.
In ACA, one way that keeps us coming back is to give service from a space of love. This is a sure-fire way of keeping ourselves tuned into our True Selves and our inner loving parent, which leads to taking care of our Inner Child. By having consistent check-ins with ourselves, we can stay focused on what is right with our program and how to best help fellow ACAs begin their recovery process.
On this day I will give service to my ACA group as a way of staying conscious and focused on my recovery process.
"Fears of failure and success will leave us, as we intuitively make healthier choices." BRB p. 591
While most folks believe they want to be successful, we know that many ACAs fear success. This is a fear born from years of regular servings of failure with side orders of abandonment, shame and humiliation. To be successful means that the spotlight can be turned on us, which recalls painful memories of never being good enough.
As we learn to connect with our inner loving parent, our Inner Child, and our Higher Power, our intuitive sense is sharpened. No longer dependent on old tapes or the critical voice inside of our heads, we are free to use this intuitive sense to make healthy decisions. At the same time, we are clear that we are on a spiritual path and that every situation is a spiritual lesson. There is no way to fail on this path.
Failure is the domain of our inner critic's all-or-nothing thinking. As we learn to see this for what it is, we filter everything around us through our inner loving parent. We become attuned to our Inner Child's quiet and steady voice as it tells us the better course for our spiritual, physical, and emotional development. We release our fears.
On this day I will listen for guidance from my purest Inner Child's perspective and trust that my fears will lose their grip on me. I am open to being guided to higher levels of spiritual, emotional, and physical consciousness.
"I lived my life in an endless cycle of harmful relationships, lost jobs, and lost friends. I could never be a friend, actually. I stopped getting into relationships to stop the pain. I had no choice. I was compulsive and getting more out of control with each passing year." BRB p. 141
It's amazing how we can be unaware that we're harming ourselves. We choose the wrong people, places and things to make us happy for the wrong reasons. Sometimes we know we're allowing people to use us so we can use them. We use people as Band-Aids to cover our unhealed wounds until we notice we still hurt and the Band-Aids can't help us. Our sponsors suggest that we work on loving ourselves. But how?
We read ACA literature, give ourselves affirmations and journal. We look at our past, deal with our hurts, forgive ourselves and others. We do the work. And one day we notice that it's happening. We've started to love ourselves and even like ourselves. We stop using Band-Aids and now have authentic friends who love us as we are, while we continue the journey of recovery. The greatest gift is that we learn to be a friend to ourselves.
On this day I will do the work. The journey to self-love is not an easy one, but the payoff is priceless.
"With the Steps and by reparenting ourselves, we can further remove the ‘buttons' that have been pushed by others to manipulate us or to get a reaction out of us." BRB p. 326
As children, others manipulated us at will. Sometimes it seemed we were born to be used by others. We showed up for horrible people who sucked us dry of our courage and strength, because that is what we learned from our families. That's what they told us we were meant for by the way they treated us every day.
As adults, we now know we can set boundaries with those who abuse us. When we find that we have recreated an unmanageable situation at work, we get new jobs. We change our living arrangements when we find that we are once again living with addicts who keep us awake at night and need us to look after them.
In recovery, we make space to feel the anger and shame that were handed to us in our childhoods, and we heal. We may even detach from abusive family members permanently if that's what it takes to maintain serenity.
On this day I will write down what I want my life to be like as a way of turning things over to my Higher Power
"As we greet co-workers or friends, we feel that we are changing inside. We begin to recognize a power inside we had not known before." BRB p. 273
Regularly taking a quiet time helps us to grow up emotionally and spiritually. How we take it depends on our choices. At first, we spend time by ourselves when we need to, letting others do what they will to take care of themselves. If they spend it getting drunk and high, we let them, but we no longer seek that outlet for our pain and suffering, if that was how we previously coped. Later, we see that we actually enjoy spending time alone. We don't fill ourselves up with others just to pass the time and keep us numb. We no longer pretend to be excited when we're not. We seek those we can truly connect with and enjoy. We talk not just about superficial things, but about who we are and what's important to us. People respect us more at work and elsewhere because we don't seek constant approval as we did in our families. We no longer do things we're uncomfortable with just for the sake of fitting in. As we become more genuine, we allow others to find their own paths; instead of labeling them, we now make room for our differences. If some don't like the new us, we have to let them go. We adjust our list of whom we can trust.
On this day I will own my power to be genuine and feel how comfortable it is to focus on being myself.
"Recovery takes effort." BRB p. 50
A Higher Power provides food for all the birds on earth but doesn't put it in their mouths.
It would be nice to just sit in the rooms of recovery and let the program sink in by osmosis without having to work at it. Some of us have tried this, a few for many years, and wondered why we were not experiencing much change. We may be substance-free but we continue to have emotional chaos and dysfunction in our lives and in our heads.
Eventually, if we're lucky, it will dawn on us that, try as we might, change will not happen without significant effort on our part. And we need the program, our fellow travelers, and most of all our Higher Power. If we're stalled, we open our minds and hearts to see what works for others. Maybe the same thing will work for us.
We've been continuously told that recovery takes effort. And as we do the work, we realize that recovery does not bring the absence of storms, but it gives us a much needed umbrella we never had before.
On this day I will leave "the nest" and do the work necessary for the recovery that will change my life.
"Adult children intuitively link up with other adult children in relationships and social settings." BRB p. 13
No matter how much we told ourselves that we wouldn't repeat the patterns of our parents, most of us reached adulthood and found ourselves inevitably attracted to others who came from similar backgrounds. It was like we could see each other in the dark, like we had some type of special radar. This didn't just happen by accident. It was a well-established pattern that we saw all around us in childhood.
Through it all, we found ourselves clinging to the fairy tale that one day we would find Mister or Miss Right and we would magically live happily ever after. But we kept meeting the "wrong" ones. Our dysfunctional coping behaviors only allowed us to relate well to certain people.
When we finally saw the writing on the wall, that things were not going to change unless we found the courage to change ourselves, we were lucky enough to get to an ACA meeting. There we found others like ourselves, but these others were doing the work to dig out from under their messy lives. As we listened to what they had learned, we became willing to make the journey that would require us to be truly honest with ourselves, perhaps for the first time. This journey will take us to where we are entitled to be - happy, joyous and free.
On this day I will have the courage to make the changes in my life that will make me whole. I will reach out and I know someone will be there.
"Rebuilding, or building, our lives takes time. It takes patience and steady focus." BRB p. 431
Many of us never knew what focus or patience really looked like until we came to ACA. We had spent our lives moving frantically from one thing to another. As we began practicing new behaviors, we started by first being consistent in our attendance at meetings. We then began reaching out by making phone calls and asking for help to stay focused. When we became willing to take on service roles in meetings, it was to both feed our own recovery and to give back. We were searching for balance, realizing it took patience to recover from the years of dysfunction we'd experienced. We learned to take care of our physical needs, resting when we were tired and eating healthy food to nurture our bodies and minds. We began retiring our compulsive behaviors as we became more aware of them. Now we see our efforts paying off as we experience serenity. We have learned to ask for what we need in our jobs, friendships and romantic relationships because we know we're worth it. If others don't hear us, we move on. We have walked courageously into the light of recovery, feeling safe, perhaps for the first time.
On this day I pray for patience, and value the opportunities that present themselves. I ask for the guidance I need to stay focused on my needs.
"ACA meetings can unlock the grief that has not been addressed for years." BRB p. 68
The thought of doing grief or loss work doesn't sound inviting. It sounds as if we are going to a funeral. There's a deep sense of sadness just thinking about it. But when we review our childhoods, we realize that our sadness is actually waiting for an opportunity to be expressed.
In meetings we witness strong survivors of family alcoholism and other dysfunction as they visit their childhood funerals. We hear them share the current effects of their harrowing childhood experiences. This helps many of us to start recalling the events that led to the feelings we have had of a continuous sense of loss.
As we keep coming back, our memories and feelings keep coming back also - sometimes gradually, sometimes haltingly. But they do come if we are consistent in our meeting attendance. This is where we find the space to express the grief of our childhood losses. It's where we learn to heal after years of denying our feelings.
On this day I will remember that it's important for me to share my memories in order to heal. It also allows me to connect with others who have had similar experiences.
Our meetings offer a safe environment for adult children to share their common experiences." BRB p. 333
Because of the many kinds of abuse and/or neglect we've experienced, both as children and adults, it is a huge issue for us to be able to connect with ourselves, other adult children, and a Higher Power.
We can begin by just showing up at ACA meetings. We are not forced to share; the choice is ours. We work at our own pace, perhaps just observing and getting a feel for things. And when we are ready, we can begin to absorb and actually work the ACA program.
As we break out of isolation, we realize we are not alone. We start working the Steps and understanding the Traditions. We may use the tool of journaling as a way to uncover what's going on for us. But however we do things, we let the ACA program, other people, and our Higher Power into our lives.
There is no special order to how things have to work. We are unique, and we do recovery in the way that works best for us. It's only important that we do it, because we deserve the safe, healthy connections that are now available to us.
On this day I know that my meetings provide the safety that helps me continue my personal growth.