Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"The pathway to emotional sobriety that endures time is through the Twelve Steps of ACA." BRB p. 91
The ACA program, if worked consistently and honestly, gives us a new route to emotional sobriety. We were unable to find this growing up with the dysfunctional people in our household.
As adults, most of us continued to seek advice from dysfunctional people. Whether it was someone we had a close personal relationship with or worked with, we were inevitably disappointed that the messages we heard, or thought we heard, were untrue. They seemed only to serve the best interests of others. This left us with a profound sense of betrayal and an increasing sense of mistrust, guessing at what normal was.
Stepping away from this mess, we encountered a program that asks us to recognize the truth within us. With the help of our sponsor, we can tap into a new way of thinking. We can establish reasonable boundaries with dysfunctional family members. We get to say no to situations that are not good for us.
When our internal alarms go off, we do not react; we call a fellow traveler instead to get centered and act in a healthy manner. Life moves from a state of DIS-ease to a state of ease as our program works in us. We are now able to easily solve situations that used to baffle us.
On this day, if I start to get off track, I will pick up the phone instead of giving in to the dysfunction. I choose emotional sobriety.
"We are changing. We are beginning to see that we have choices." BRB p. 578
Many of us used to think that making important choices was reserved for those who knew what they were doing, but that wasn't us. We almost fainted at the prospect of trusting our own intuition about what direction we should take in life. We felt we needed the help of others who were obviously more qualified. We had no faith in our ability to be independent.
As we become true partners in recovery with our Higher Power, we see that we actually are capable of judging what is best for ourselves. We learn to pray and meditate, and allow the answers to come naturally as we create space to hear in a new way. We walk forward fearlessly, knowing also that we may make mistakes, but that mistakes can become important lessons that lead to greater freedom and self-esteem.
Our problems, when faced, can guide us to a better place where we no longer doubt ourselves. We find that the creativity that comes from exploration nurtures our souls and helps us to live more fully. We are finally happy being ourselves and would not trade our lives with anyone else.
On this day I will trust in my ability to make the right choices for myself and I no longer depend on others to give me all the answers. If I need a sounding board, I have my Higher Power and fellow travelers, who are there when I ask for them.
"Without help, we cannot recognize serenity or true safety." BRB p. 16
What is this strange entity called serenity? How will we know if we have it? What will it feel like? Will we be different somehow? Is it something to strive for or is it an illusion?
Maybe it's easier to say what serenity isn't. It isn't waking up with the knowledge that this is going to be a bad day. It isn't focusing on what we don't have and what others do have. It isn't looking to others to affirm who we are. It isn't trying to make people like us by saying yes when we really want to say no.
In ACA, we learn that serenity isn't an entity; it's a feeling, an experience. It's the wisdom to know when we are powerless and to accept that truth without feeling less than. It's the inner strength that tells us we're okay regardless of how the world may view us. It's the ability to forgive others and ourselves for not being perfect or not living up to certain expectations. It's knowing that our best friend and strongest cheerleader is inside of us.
Serenity is a state of being where we feel accepted for who we are. It is unconditional peace with no strings attached. And yes it does exist, it's not an illusion. We invite it in.
On this day I will seek and hold onto the embrace of serenity. I will feel the peace of knowing I accept myself as an imperfect human being.
"If our parents have said we are bad, dumb, or inferior, they were actually projecting what they believed about themselves. As children we were defenseless to throw off these projections. This is loss and grief carried into our adult years." BRB p. 200
The messages received during childhood can seem like an endless tape, the soundtrack of our often dramatic lifestyles.
Underneath the 'scapegoat' role one can hear the echoes of a caregiver who might have said, "You are a loser." Beneath the ‘hero' role, the equally disabling charge of being a "perfect child" rings in the ears. As children, we may have accepted such words as true; what we actually felt was likely denied.
Whether we were belittled for being kids or praised for being perfect, we may have unwittingly carried these charges into our complex adult lives as a secret code of conduct. As we recover, we begin to realize that such messages stole from us our authentic internal sense of worth.
In ACA, we listen carefully for those messages, recognizing their debilitating effects and how we recreate or reinforce them. Then we gradually work to reduce their hold on us.
On this day I will notice the messages replaying from my childhood. I will begin to lower their volume in my life until I can hear the voice of my authentic, True Self instead.
"By working the Steps and attending meetings, we see that we are not unique and that our family is not unique as well. There are millions of people like us." BRB p. 96
Many of us grew up thinking our families were different, that we were unique. We witnessed drama that was way beyond our understanding. Often the very people who should have comforted us were responsible for the trauma. The resulting shame and embarrassment left us feeling that we could never be like our peers. We felt "apart" from them, so we donned our masks and acted as if we were "normal."
In ACA we share our darkest history and find that others identify with it. Uncovering our memories helps take the sting out of our hurt. We cherish the freedom we feel because we realize we won't be judged for the actions of our family members. We are not alone.
We learn about patterns of behavior we developed to cope with our feelings of shame, hurt and anger. Once they are identified, we give ourselves a choice: we can continue to act as we did when we were in darkness or we can try new behaviors that work better. When we keep coming back, we are choosing new behaviors.
On this day I celebrate the freedom of knowing I am not unique - I'm not alone. I can now use the tools of recovery instead of the dysfunctional survival tools I learned as a child.
"Do I trust the person I am with?" BRB p. 42
As children, most of us didn't learn trust in our families of origin, so we approached adulthood not trusting anyone. Paradoxically, we were actually often drawn to people who could not be trusted.
When we think of the people around us, we now ask ourselves "Can I tell them my deepest fears and insecurities and feel safe that they won't be used against me?" "Can I be sure they accept me and all of my flaws, or do I have to undergo a transformation in order to fit their ideal?" "If life brings financial difficulties, health problems, or other changes, will they stick around?"
As we grow stronger in our ACA program, we learn that we are healthy enough to ask the right questions, but also trust that we will be okay, even if our trust is violated. We affirm that we, too, can be trusted by others. Equally, or perhaps more important, we can trust ourselves to continue to work on our recovery.
On this day I choose to associate with those I can trust. If that trust is broken, I am able to determine how to handle it in an adult manner with the help of my fellow travelers.
"With help from our ACA support group, we will slowly release our dysfunctional behaviors." BRB p. 591
Getting support to undergo the very challenging task of doing ACA work happens slowly. We might first hear of an ACA meeting and consider attending it, only to find that the day and time don't quite work for us. Then our schedule changes and we are able to venture into our first meeting, usually filled with apprehension. We might start out looking at the slogans hanging on the walls and just listening to hear if, in fact, we have finally found a place to work through our issues.
As we continue to attend meetings, we might start looking around at the members and begin chatting with them afterwards to see if we can begin to gather more support. When we feel comfortable, we might then become ready to make some inroads in our Step work with a fellow traveler.
As we begin to experience our feelings and our memories return, the empathetic listeners we have gathered around us will encourage us to go forward. They have our backs. We then slowly let go of our dysfunctional behaviors and are released into the functional world.
On this day I will seek out ACA members who will support me as I learn how to practice more purposeful behavior.
"Between the time we have decided to disconnect from our alcoholic beliefs but have not yet reached the security of a spiritual awakening lies a ‘dark night of the soul' where we perceive there is no guiding force whatsoever. Our passage through this terrifying and often chaotic period of uncertainty and doubt is where we experience the power of our program and realize the importance of the service we give and receive." BRB p. 359
Between the familiar dysfunctional attitudes and thinking and emotional sobriety there can be a period of waiting in the spiritual hallway. Even here, there is an opportunity to grow in patience, tolerance, and self-acceptance.
As we wait for clarity, other ACAs encourage us to "keep coming back." We make forward movement, discovering a Higher Power that supports our healing. Thankfully, the pain lessens with time, and the relief comes more quickly than we imagined.
While parts of our work may remain undone, the satisfaction of having achieved some level of emotional sobriety, and of having grieved parts of ourselves and survived the process gives us strength to carry on with unfinished work. We know we can face other areas with the firm knowledge that the spiritual awakening we seek awaits us. With hope and love in our hearts, we encourage others in their passage. This is the highest form of service: speaking from experience about the strength and hope we have achieved.
On this day I will share my experience of being in the spiritual hallway between dysfunctional thinking and emotional sobriety, and how I was able to find the open door on the other side.
"We avoid blame because we are aware of the generational nature of family dysfunction." BRB p. 157
So many of us come into ACA blaming our parents for what has gone wrong in our lives. We tell ourselves, "If only I'd had a ‘normal' family I wouldn't have so many problems; why couldn't things have been different?"
There's no doubt we deserved better; as innocent children we had few choices. But as adults, if we continue to focus solely on blaming our families, we will perpetuate the dysfunction. It's generational, and it's the same system in which our parents were raised.
Often we didn't want to see our role in the continued dysfunction before we started our recovery. Maybe we even told ourselves "I won't treat my children like that." But it's likely we either did some of the same things or maybe we moved 180 degrees the other way, trying to be more of a friend than a parent.
But all children need reasonable parents, just as we did. Until we uncover and deal with our own issues, we'll continue to repeat dysfunctional patterns. The ACA program gives us the middle ground where recovery lives. And we deserve to live in that space.
On this day I will remember that family dysfunction is a generational disease. I affirm my choice to break the cycle by working my program.
"As we sit and think about our shortcomings, we do not judge ourselves." BRB p. 215
As children, we often had to endure verbal attacks that, as adults, made us vulnerable to even the slightest criticism. Even in ACA, it was difficult for some of us to hear that we had "defects of character" because we interpreted that as being defective, which felt shaming. Because we knew these were our core issues and that the program could help us, we might have found other words that made us feel more comfortable, such as "character defenses," "Step One issues," "spirit blockers" or simply "shortcomings."
No matter what we call them, it is essential that we look at them in the proper light and accept them as a part of who we learned to be. We also become aware that they are the very things that come between us and our Higher Power. They affect how we feel about ourselves and how we relate to other people.
In becoming willing to work the Steps, we gradually come out of the isolation we've used to protect ourselves. And we begin to acknowledge our strengths, one of which is our ability to intuitively know that the tools of ACA are giving us a new and better life. We're learning balance.
On this day I choose to face my shortcomings without judging myself harshly. I accept all the parts of me.
"…. some parents are so dangerous or perverted that the adult child must avoid them to stay safe and sane." BRB p. 232
Those of us who were sexually abused, either covertly or overtly, realize we were "soul raped." For a long time, we continually tried to do our part, to sweep off our side of the street, to seek change, but to no avail. The destruction was so severe that we were unable to maintain our integrity around our perpetrators afterwards for years. We felt there was no one who would understand, so we went on pretending, showing up, laughing when we didn't feel like laughing, smiling when we felt empty inside. And we always ended up feeling bad, holiday after holiday, and birthday after birthday.
With the help of ACA, we finally accept that the family we thought we had was really a fantasy we needed to believe in to keep ourselves alive as children. When we finally surrender and acknowledge the extent of the abuse, we detach from our perpetrators. We also detach from those who were supposed to protect us, but who instead protected the perpetrators by denying our stories; the ones who just wanted us to "get over it" so they wouldn't have to face reality.
On this day I will live in a new freedom that is based on truth and relationships with my new family and a loving Higher Power.
"We introduce grief work in Step Five, realizing that such work is a lifetime journey." BRB p. 200
Perhaps we thought that we could get through the ACA program without having to spend much time grieving the dysfunction we were required to endure, as well as the loss of what might have been. Perhaps we thought the Steps were a once-and-done process.
But gradually that notion faded. When we were ready for our Fifth Step, we were given perhaps our first opportunity to consciously grieve the losses we hadn't been able to share with others before now. But we got through it with the help of a trusted Sponsor, fellow traveler, or therapist.
As we continue to work the Steps, we begin to integrate the concept that recovery is a lifelong journey. We learn that each time we do a Fourth and Fifth Step we uncover more denial, sharing what we find as a continuing part of the process of becoming whole.
This journey is a quest to peel through the layers of the onion that go deep. As we work through our issues, we gain a stronger sense of integration, conscious contact, and spiritual awakening.
On this day I remain willing to remove more layers of denial as I grieve my losses. I am on a lifelong journey of discovery and recovery that I take one day at a time.
"Alcoholism is a family disease, and we became para-alcoholics (codependent)* and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink." BRB p. 588
We felt like we were stark raving mad. We couldn't see what was happening to ourselves because we were so focused on controlling others and feeling their feelings for them. Or maybe we tried to shut others down because we didn't want to see or hear anything about feelings that would make us uncomfortable. It was a never-ending cycle of abandonment of ourselves and our Inner Child. But we were used to it; we didn't know any better.
Then one day we found ACA. Slowly, we learned to let ourselves be present in the moment. It wasn't easy. We watched as our sponsors and others with more emotional sobriety modeled what change looked like. We soaked it up. It was the best education we ever had - better than anything we learned or could have learned in school. We found something that could truly transform the world.
As we let go of our grandiosity, we saw that we could change ourselves if we were willing. We finally began to understand and believe that we were powerless over others and the choices they made. It was a great relief.
On this day I will keep my side of the street clean and let others take care of themselves. I will shun attempts to pull me back into that never-ending cycle of dysfunction I came from.
*Added by BRB Handbook Committee. Not part of original list.
"By keeping the focus on ourselves, we will find freedom from our critical self as well as our addictive and destructive behaviors." BRB p. 304
Many of us learned to victimize ourselves with self-destructive behaviors. We were taught to devalue ourselves early on, and had to join in our own victimization as a way to survive.
Unfortunately, the survival mechanisms we learned in order to cope hurt us just as deeply now as they did in the past, maybe even more so. Why? Because as adults we feel we should be able to change things at will. But without the necessary skills and insight, this is almost impossible.
In ACA we learn that no matter when or how our destructive behaviors and thoughts started, we are capable of experiencing new ways of being. But we don't do it alone. We invite our Higher Power and other ACAs to join us on our healing journey. When we have enough faith in ourselves to move in this direction, we become ready to release our self-destructive behavior.
As part of this process, we begin to grieve and heal the losses we've experienced, both because of our own actions and the actions of those who raised us. We learn to give ourselves unconditional love and draw upon the energy of other ACAs and our Higher Power. We embrace this positive support system that can get us through our darkest days.
On this day I will release any negative energy so that I am able to make the changes I want and deserve in my life.
"Before finding ACA, many of us believed we deserved what we got or caused the abuse to happen." BRB p. 28
An ACA ‘bottom' may take various forms. We say to ourselves "I can't stand being alone with myself," or "I hate myself." But if we analyze just these two statements, we can see they seem to speak of ‘I' and ‘self' as if they are two separate entities - and perhaps they are.
The ‘I' is our essence, the soul that was placed in our human body. The ‘self' in these negative feelings is only the person we think we are: the one who carries the past, is anxious about the present, and dreads the future. This false self is the creation of other people's words and deeds that caused us to hide our True Self. This hiding takes many forms, from physically isolating to being emotionally unavailable to ourselves and others. And when it becomes too toxic, we begin to seek help in order to find a new way of living.
In ACA we begin to question why we allow our false self to have so much control. We learn that the Steps are the pathway that helps us merge our ‘I' with our True Self, while shedding the old self we created in our childhood. ACA brings us the knowledge that we are all gifted human beings who did not deserve what we got as children. We gradually begin to realize that we are more than good enough.
On this day I will recognize when my abusive false self is in control. This will then awaken my True Self so I can celebrate the wonderful creation that I am.