Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"If we overstate our wrongs and beat ourselves up, we tend to drift into an attitude of martyrdom, or we assume the victim posture." BRB p. 197
Without the leveling perspective of Step Five, many of us would either minimize our wrongs or overstate them. By choosing the second option, we tell ourselves that we deserve the abuse for the wrongs we did. But that statement is a carryover from our childhood abuse.
A part of us had lived with both excitement and fear at the possibility of getting beaten up emotionally again. The feeling of helplessness was familiar because we had only felt loved when negative attention was heaped on us again and again as children.
Some of us only got attention while we were being sexually abused or beaten. We needed to believe we deserved this treatment to survive. There was no other option but to lie about what was really happening in our families.
Today we learn to accept our reality, both past and present. What happened to us as children was not our responsibility, but what we do today is. However, we do not have to take abuse to right the wrongs. With the help of neutral third parties, in the form of our ACA fellow travelers, we change to new rules. If others become angry, we let them take care of themselves. We choose to love ourselves and to be loved by those who have the capacity to do so.
On this day I am no longer a victim. I put myself first and make healthier choices that keep me grounded.
"The principles of ACA are not about blame." BRB p. xxiii
Some of us may have heard the saying that "a man without arms can't hug you." Our parents/caregivers were not able to give us what they did not have. The disease of alcoholism or other family dysfunction affects generations and did not start with our immediate family.
By working and living the ACA Steps, we realize that we too were unable to give what we did not receive as children. We were not shown how to have healthy relationships, how to raise children or how to avoid feeling "less than." Many of us vowed not to repeat the patterns of our parents. But knowing what not to do does not automatically give us the knowledge of a better way. This is our legacy, but it does not have to stay that way.
We learn to focus on ourselves instead of being lost in blaming those who couldn't give us what we needed. They could not give us what they did not get themselves. Today, we are led in the direction of reparenting ourselves, taking measures to erase the old tapes in our head and honoring our True Self.
On this day I choose not to blame others or myself for being unable to give what was never given to me. I feel grateful knowing that I can break the cycle of dysfunction and live a better life.
"Denial is the glue that holds together a dysfunctional home. Family secrets, ignored feelings, and predictable chaos are part of a dysfunctional family system." BRB pg. 22
As we celebrate our willingness in ACA to look at the difficult parts of our lives, we can find ourselves surrounded by those who deny our reality, perhaps in the same way they always have. It can be family members who say "I don't remember it that way." or "It wasn't that bad - we're still alive, aren't we?" Or it can be people we thought were our friends who say "Can't you just live in the now? Why do you even have to think about that stuff?"
These messages can be powerful and can often temporarily convince us we're on the wrong path. But when we look inside, we know what we feel and we know the impact of our childhood. We know we've felt fragmented and crazy inside, trying to figure out what was wrong with us. We know that we want something better.
The Promises of ACA are what we want. The deniers in our life often can't give us anything but more pain. This is why we choose to separate from them and continue to make room for recovery.
On this day I will listen to what's in my heart and know that I am on the right path. I will no longer listen to those who want me back in my old role that makes them more comfortable.
"The critical inner parent gives us that guilt feeling when we think about asking for what we need." BRB p. 49
In childhood, we seemed to have gotten lost in the shuffle. When we had needs and voiced them, we were often told we were being selfish and self-centered. Or we were told to take care of ourselves with words like "grow up!" that meant we were on our own. So we stuffed our wants and needs and moved on.
We usually took our survival mechanisms with us into adulthood. Oftentimes they turned on us, though, and we found ourselves in still more dysfunctional relationships, mimicking the same words and behaviors that were used on us as children.
When we reached the safety of ACA, and with help and support from our fellow travelers, we started sorting through our feelings and took an honest look at some of our people-pleasing or aggressive behaviors. We began to find a way to dispel the unearned guilt of our childhood that comes to us through our inner critical parent's voice. We now face only the consequences of our present day actions.
In working the Steps, we are given a chance to discover self-forgiveness and forgiveness of others. Through it all, we humbly ask for help from our Higher Power and it is there as we need it.
On this day I will look inward, ask for help from my fellow travelers and my Higher Power. I will forgive myself if I'm less than perfect. My critical inner parent's voice is losing its power over me.
"The Steps sometimes work even if a person picks at them like a finicky child forking a lump of unwanted spinach. Such half measures often create the personal discomfort that motivates the adult child into greater action and personal growth." BRB p. 93
Many adult children join ACA and keep coming back for years. But it seems like there is little change in their lives because they talk about the same things each time they share. They may even complain about certain aspects of the program, seemingly as a reason for things not changing. Those of us who are unable to rid ourselves of our judgmental nature think these people are just not working the program "correctly." We wonder why they even bother coming.
But we've seen it happen time and again: people who hang around long enough start making a shift in how they think and respond. It's as if they suddenly realize that they've been stuck and now it's time to do something about it. Maybe they finally get uncomfortable enough with the way things are, and because they've actually been listening all these years, the switch is turned on. In cases like this, it can be wondrous to see the power of the program at work.
On this day I will not judge how another person works or doesn't work their program. It is not my job. I will focus on myself and my own recovery.
"It is a well of grace we can return to again and again and dip out self-acceptance, self-assurance, and love. Each time we take Step Three, we drink down God's love." BRB p. 142
Step Three reminds us there is unconditional love available to us. By giving our will and our lives over to the care of a Higher Power of our own understanding, we trust that this love and presence will remain in our lives. In times of fear, we can imagine our Inner Child resting in warm, loving arms - feeling the comfort we did not receive as a child.
Throughout our recovery, we use our challenges to propel us to a higher level of peace, understanding, and self-love that would not have been possible otherwise. We trust that we are being led toward our greatest potential. When we accept ourselves for who we are, and feel the love around us, we know we are inherently worthy. We learn patience with ourselves as we continue to grow, knowing we're being guided with love by a strong program, and by a Higher Power of our own understanding, who is always with us.
On this day I will accept the challenges that are placed before me, knowing that I have both the support of my fellow travelers in the program and my Higher Power, who is ever present.
"We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism." BRB p. 11
It's insidious - the abuse we experienced. For many of us, our caregivers didn't just get mad, they got angry and enraged. And it could be over something simple. Maybe we were out doing normal kid stuff, but because we had an angry parent waiting at home, we were never sure what to expect. We were repeatedly blindsided with accusations that said we were no good, selfish, irresponsible, uppity, or a whole host of other shaming language. Or maybe it happened to a sibling, which was just as bad because we knew it could be turned on us at any time.
Is it any wonder that as adults we almost visibly flinched when we were faced with angry people? We carried the fear of being criticized with us like a banner that said, "I'm an easy target. I won't even argue with you because I don't have a voice."
But as we start to find our voice in ACA, we begin to separate the anger from the words, and the words from reality. We do not deserve to be talked to ‘like that.' And we didn't deserve it as a child. We were innocent! And now, as we learn to reparent ourselves, we can tell our Inner Child that we will protect them when someone is angry or critical. We can do for ourselves what others should have done for us.
On this day I will remember that another person's anger is not mine. If I hear criticism, I can separate truth from fiction.
"A long-time member of our program, when she was new in recovery, said she felt liberated when her sponsor told her she ‘could walk away from crazy.'" BRB p. 628
It used to be anything goes in our dysfunctional families. We learned from our parents that it was okay to call each other names and to manipulate through hurtful sarcasm. We didn't learn how to praise each other for our talents or to nurture each other through love and kindness.
No wonder emotional sobriety is such a puzzling term when we finally read about it in the Big Red Book. If we work our ACA program by getting a sponsor, working the Steps, and doing service work, life opens up. We can begin to experience what the program promises: peace and serenity. The dysfunctional situations we've lived through can be likened to watching water drain in the bathtub - there's a whirlpool at the end. In recovery we learn to identify reoccurring situations that pull us into the current of chaos and keep us stuck. We begin to step away from caustic situations and avoid being sucked back into insanity. We start to make better choices and learn to walk away from "crazy."
On this day I practice emotional sobriety and let go of trying to change other people and things. I remain centered in the peacefulness of my ACA program.
"The healing begins when we risk moving out of isolation. Feelings and buried memories will return." BRB p. 590
Did it really happen? Did it happen the way I remember? Am I crazy or are they?
Some of us have few memories of our childhood because of the trauma we experienced. As a result, we may question what we do remember, or even why we feel the way we do when we can't attach specific memories to the feelings. But our body knows something happened because it stores our trauma from both physical and emotional abuse.
As we move out of isolation into recovery, one of the first things we learn to recognize and honor is our feelings. By continuing to talk to and trust the people in our groups, and often a therapist, we gradually gain clarity. The buried memories start to return. Even when they don't, we honor our instincts when we realize we feel unsafe around family members and others. We don't question ourselves. We honor our feeling, knowing that it is real and that we're not crazy. And we take steps to keep ourselves safe.
On this day I will trust my instincts and feelings, even if I can't attach a reason for them that will satisfy others.
"The false self is the adult child personality expressed in the 14 traits of the Laundry List." BRB p. 7
While growing up, we unknowingly used the survival technique of developing a false self, a disguise, the mask we used to cover the codependent and addictive traits we learned from our dysfunctional families. We feared and were controlled by other people. We based our feelings on our parents' behaviors. We did so because we were not allowed to express our personal feelings; there were consequences for doing so.
The Laundry List is an important tool we use to identify our ACA characteristics. It guides us in taking our blameless inventory, thus revealing our True Self and affirming our worthiness. We learn what behaviors we want to change in order to move from our false self to our True Self.
In recovery, we begin to understand that in order to grow it is important to accept, and not deny, all of our feelings. Some of us use the slogan, "There is no healing without feeling" almost as a mantra. Gradually, our True Self emerges as we reach out to others in the fellowship and as we learn the language of ACA.
On this day, as I remove the mask of my false self, I am free to make healthy decisions about the revelation of my True Self.
"What many adult children have described as love or intimacy before reaching ACA was actually codependence or rigid control." BRB p. 6
Before we came to program, we thought intimacy was that secret word that pertained to sex and making love. We thought it was about taking care of the other person, doing for the other person, and losing ourselves in the other person - because we loved them so much!
Sure, we all want to be close to our partners, but before recovery many of us lay in the same bed with them and felt a million miles away, starving for affection. We settled for crumbs, and we didn't even realize it. We did everything to convince ourselves we were that happy family portrait on the wall.
Today, in recovery, intimacy has developed into what it was meant to be. We have honest conversations with our partners and close friends and are not afraid to express opinions. We surround ourselves with people who care about us, people we don't fear. We have healthy conversations about money and other important issues, and we don't coerce or manipulate people through shame and guilt. We fill our cup with the freedom of choice. We have healthy partnerships and understand what real intimacy is about. We feel joy.
On this day I will trust myself enough to be open to true intimacy in my relationships.
"We seek the power we need to live in freedom each day." BRB p. 116
As we listen to story after story of neglect in meetings, we may get angry for those around us. Then, if we listen closely, we hear the voice inside that says, "What about me?" We start to pay attention and create space with our words and actions to let that voice finally say what it needs to, what was denied for so long. This process extends into our Step work and then into our very lives, at work and in play.
Perhaps for the first time we begin to feel free. We start to play and learn what that means for us. We learn to slow down, because being over-scheduled is acting out against our True Selves. We see that when we have too much to do, it's harder to get in touch with how we feel. This is no longer okay.
We take the actions we need to for our Inner Child, the same way we would for another child placed in our care. In this way, we cultivate an inner loving parent and free ourselves.
We are no longer waiting for our tormentors to wake up and stop abusing us. The conversation is over. We now know how to nurture ourselves.
On this day I will do something playful and fun. I will feel the freedom that my Inner Child deserves to experience.
"We move out of the victim role and claim our personal power by taking this path." BRB p. 158
We let parasites into our lives, trusting those we shouldn't have. We ended up a victim over and over again. We were exhausted of our vital resources, financially and emotionally, and had no idea why. Spiritually we were bankrupt. Our heads throbbed as we raged at those who couldn't hear us or who swore they wouldn't do it again.
In ACA we got off the treadmill we hadn't noticed we were on. With the help of our sponsor or fellow traveler, we did our Fourth Step and saw that our lives were insane, that we had swallowed poison and not known it. We now felt heard for the first time.
We became ready to go to any lengths to protect and nurture our Inner Children. Leaving no stone unturned, we rooted out the problem. We couldn't remember all that happened to us because we had to forget so we could survive. But recovery becomes a safe place for the memories to begin resurfacing. We stop going to the inner drug store for a dose of fear. We release the trauma in our bodies and walk away different people: confident and alive.
On this day I will choose to go the distance and deal in a healthy way with whatever comes up for me emotionally and physically. If I can't do this alone, I will get appropriate help.
"In ACA, each person may share his or her feelings and perceptions without judgment from others…. As part of creating that safety, we ask that group members avoid cross talking." BRB p. 342
When we start attending meetings, we may be confused about the reasons for the "No Cross Talk" rule. This can feel like a difficult rule to follow, especially when someone is crying. Don't they need to be helped and comforted? But we're told that this is "fixing," which is a skill so many of us mastered as children.
In ACA, we learn that the no cross talk rule is a sacred element of what makes the program work so well. By honoring one another with our full attention when we share, we are all getting something we didn't have access to growing up in dysfunctional families: attention. This is a great gift, being allowed to express ourselves without reserve. When no one interrupts or tries to comfort us, we can feel respected - no one is judging us. And when others are speaking, we listen and learn from their lessons. If we're uncomfortable and want to "fix" them, we stop and think about why we're feeling that way.
By showing up in meetings, sharing our honest experiences, and listening silently to others, we participate in the heart of what makes the program successful. This practice makes us stronger together.
On this day I will listen quietly in a meeting when someone else shares their experience, strength, and hope. I feel good knowing I will get the same respect from others.
"We see how we took on too much responsibility for others' thoughts and actions." BRB p. 115
Some of us were the overly responsible ones in our families. We learned that it was our job to control others, whether actively or passive-aggressively. Our goal was to prevent Dad's anger or Mom's depression; then maybe there would be some peace. Even though we failed time and again, what seemed like small successes "proved" that it was possible and kept us going. We told ourselves that yes, we could control the dysfunction.
As adults, when we took on too much responsibility for others, we were often eventually met with resentment and anger. Who were we to be telling others what to do and think? As a result, we may have lost important relationships and even our livelihoods.
In ACA, we learn that the most important thing we can do is take responsibility for ourselves first. This can be difficult, because our preoccupation with others may have left us with little sense of who we really are. But with time and the help of our program and fellow travelers, we see that this is the path to the peace we were always after.
On this day I will remember that I am not responsible for the thoughts and behaviors of others; I am only responsible for myself.