Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"We thought we had forgotten these dreams, but our Inner Child remembers." BRB p. 430
As children we had an innocent wish to be heard, held, and protected. But in most of our homes, that didn't happen. When we spoke, it was usually the beginning of trouble. When we tried to cuddle or show affection, we were ignored, laughed at, or flirted with. Most of the time we were alone. The idea of being protected was nonexistent.
We grew up in a world where the norm was "anything goes, anytime." It was almost impossible to keep up with what was going on, but we did our best. We fantasized about having a different family where we could be ourselves and it would be okay. We wished for a place overflowing with love, a safe place where voices were soft and sweet, and where everyone just talked, laughed, and played together. It is so sad that we didn't get that. We deserved a bright and happy childhood, didn't we?
Our Inner Child is still waiting for this dream to be made real. This desire is still as strong as it was long ago. Who is going to be the person to bring this dream to this child?
In the ACA program we find that dreams can come true. Here, we are able to begin again, one day at a time. We can give our Inner Child all that we weren't given. Recovering dreams is what this program is all about.
On this day I know that I deserve my dreams. I am willing to work to make them come true with the help of ACA.
"Our false self constantly seeks outward affection, recognition or praise, but we secretly believe we don't deserve it." BRB p. 7
Many of us spent ‘forever' trying to portray an image of having it all together, seeking approval by acting or dressing a certain way. We looked to those who seemed more confident to tell us how to think and feel. By doing so, we learned not to trust our own intuition. We were completely at the mercy of others. We were disconnected from our physical and emotional selves.
When we finally received some recognition, perhaps on the job after working nearly around-the-clock, our sense of satisfaction was short-lived. Deep down we "knew" we didn't deserve that recognition because our inner critical voice was saying, "If they saw the real me, this wouldn't be happening."
But as life changes in recovery, we now look for our self-esteem within ourselves and in our relationship with our Higher Power, not other people. We let the peace of the ACA program grow inside of us, one day at a time, through rigorous honesty, striving to know and understand our Inner Child. We stop people-pleasing because it deeply damages us. We have finally become the center of our own lives with an inner loving parent who won't abandon us.
On this day I put myself first and let others think what they will. I am enough just where I stand right now.
"An adult child is someone whose actions and decisions as an adult are guided by childhood experiences grounded in self-doubt or fear." BRB p. 302
Before finding ACA, we didn't have the opportunity to learn any other way to live except from the standpoint of the dysfunction with which we were raised. As children, most of us quickly figured out what we needed to think, say, and do in order to avoid the most pain. We survived the best way we could, relying on only ourselves to get by.
As adults, often our automatic reactions to situations involve extensions of the behaviors we learned as children. We are adults by appearance, but have yet to mature past our childhood reactions. We are haunted by unresolved trauma that easily wreaks havoc in our lives. It is not our fault that we didn't come away with better life skills; we could not have turned out any differently. With the help of the Twelve Steps, we now have a Solution to our Problem. Through ACA, we have the love and support we need to grow through our childhood pain into the confident and secure adults we were meant to be.
On this day I release all negative self-judgment of my identity as an adult child. I am filled with the hope that the promises of ACA offer me.
"As we face our abandonment issues, we will be attracted by strengths and become more tolerant of weaknesses." BRB p. 591
In our program, we need a lot of courage to face a great many things. Facing how we were abandoned requires us to summon all the courage we can muster. As we "keep coming back," memories and feelings float up from our subconscious to the mind's eye, and we acknowledge the losses we buried.
As children, many of us wanted or needed to idealize our caregivers. In ACA, we take off the rose-colored glasses and see them as flawed human beings who were unable to be there for us emotionally, physically, psychologically, or spiritually. Facing this abandonment means looking at it honestly with the help of our Higher Power, our inner loving parent, and our Inner Child. This is how we begin to reparent ourselves so that we can become whole.
On this day I continue to seek the courage to face my abandonment issues, resolving to take the steps to make myself whole, so I can bond with others from this consciousness centered space.
"ACA recovery is challenging, but the rewards are immense. We must put forth effort and feel the uncomfortable feelings that might come. At the same time, the goal is self-love and knowing that we are good enough just the way we are. This is an ACA paradox." BRB p. 438
For years, our critical inner parent continued to remind us that we were not good enough. It was a replay of what we were taught about ourselves as children. We didn't realize it, but that critical part of us was also saying we would never have enough to satisfy our needy Inner Child. At some point we may have asked ourselves, "What is enough?"
With the help of the ACA program, we began to see that we were making inroads into the healing process that would quiet our critical inner parent. In doing so, we knew we could begin to meet our Inner Child's needs.
As life continues to move forward, bit by bit, we let go of the "enough" of our childhood and learn to accept who we are - that we have so very much to offer. We recognize that our Higher Power helps us fulfill our needs, and occasionally our wants.
On this day I remember that I am and have always been more than good enough.
"Our self-esteem will increase as we give ourselves approval on a daily basis." BRB p. 591
The promise of self-esteem is very attractive, especially given that if we didn't have a negative self-perception, many of us would have no self-image at all.
By showing up regularly at ACA meetings, we increase our "True Self-esteem" in a positive way. We find a safe space to interact with others who are on the same quest. This act of showing up for our True Self gives us a positive view of ourselves, most likely for the first time.
By participating in the meetings and identifying ourselves as adult children, we are sending a signal to our Inner Child that we are aware of the work we have to do, and we are willing to make a commitment to realize our spiritual awakening. More True Self-esteem will come from regularly affirming our current state and our future mission.
By our showing up and participating, we give our True Self approval: approval to get well, to belong, to share, to believe, to hope, to care, to cry, to laugh, to grieve, to live. These simple expressions of our humanity are True Self esteem of the most precious and rewarding kind.
On this day I will practice doing the things that build True Self-esteem and give my True Self the approval to trust, feel and talk.
"The sincere adult child working an ACA program of meeting attendance and selfless service gets results with Step Seven. This is the sure path when we struggle with a troublesome shortcoming." BRB p. 222
How can giving service and attending meetings produce results? In giving "self-less" service, we must be able to manage our inner critical parent's dominating and controlling nature. As a result of working the Steps, we find that we are no longer as angry or scared to allow life to unfold as it will. Here lies the best answer to what has ailed us. The Steps, when worked with a fellow traveler, help us gain peace of mind and a sense of calm that allow us to feel alive.
This realization is exhilarating. Our joy can overflow, and we realize that this is a very valuable and healthy experience for us. While some of our shortcomings may still have a hold on us, we know that our path to wholeness is clearly marked and attainable. On our journey, we share our new-found sense of purpose with others in the program. With gratitude, we are able to share how the program has transformed us into vibrant human beings engaged in a life-giving program.
On this day I will continue to work on my defects of character and shortcomings and share my personal progress and the results I have received with those who will hear me.
"We are making a statement that we will no longer be loyal to denial and dysfunctional family roles." BRB p. 123
We each grew up playing a role in our families: hero, scapegoat, mascot, or lost child.* Our role may have been related to birth order, or perhaps to how we innately reacted to our situation. If we had several siblings, we probably shared these roles; if we were from a small family or were an only child, we may have had to play multiple roles.
Each role carried certain expectations. Even if the role appeared positive to the outside world, like the hero, it likely turned into a negative as we attempted to wear it while navigating through our adult years.
ACA helps us learn how to shed these shackling roles. We begin to set limits. We act in healthier, "unexpected" ways around our dysfunctional family of origin. We choose to no longer react to events that once set us emotionally spinning out of control. The process is not easy and may take time, yet through it all we learn to live life on our own terms. When we're successful, we release fear, chaos, control and rigidity from our lives. We find new freedom, which is an amazing reward.
On this day I release the role assigned to me in childhood. I embrace my new role, "Recovering Adult Child."
"Isolation is our retreat from the paralyzing pain of indecision. This retreat into denial blunts our awareness of the destructive reality of family alcoholism and is the first stage of mourning and grief." BRB p. 82
Isolation is a way of protecting ourselves from the grief of our childhoods. We were alone and we had no one who "got us." Protecting ourselves through isolation is common among ACAs. Whether we attend meetings, do Step work, go to retreats or just hang around meetings, we can do all of these things and still protect ourselves from the conscious, deeper knowledge of our losses. In an effort to avoid grief, we can share superficially or not at all. We can get to the meeting late and leave as soon as it closes. So even in recovery, we can remain alone as a way of not allowing ourselves to get in touch with the pain of our grief.
Yet, this isolation can be a part of the grieving process, and we are entitled to stay isolated as long as we need to in order to feel safe. Though it seems contradictory, as fellow travelers, the best that we can do for someone who is isolating is to allow them to grieve in the way they need to as long as it doesn't create an unreasonable distraction to the meeting. There is no timetable.
On this day I will give myself permission to grieve in my own way. If I'm isolating, I will be gentle with myself and be where I need to be until I'm ready to reach out.
"Change has been difficult in my life, but absolutely essential." BRB p. 410
As children, we clung to our dysfunctional families, praying that they wouldn't abandon us because that, of all possible changes, would be devastating. As adults, we continued to cling to life as we knew it. We resisted change because it brought up so many issues and questions for us.
Eventually, we realized that our families left us long ago, both emotionally and spiritually, even if they didn't do it physically. With this knowledge came a shift in how we wanted to live our lives and we made way for change.
In ACA, we see our separation from family as a new opportunity for growth. We may still attend get-togethers, but when we understand that our changing selves are no longer welcome in the same way, our longing for the old times lessens.
As we learn to take personal inventory on a regular basis, we allot more space for positive changes and more room for our Higher Power. We view our past with a clearer lens, and we recognize the awesome benefits we reap from our new ACA lives. We gratefully acknowledge that our Higher Power is doing for us what we could not have done on our own. We begin to see life as an adventure. We credit change as the motivating device that brings joy, the greatest of human feelings.
On this day I will see that when I no longer resist change, happiness and serenity will follow.
"If the family withdraws support, this might feel new, but in reality the abandonment has always been there." BRB p. 406
On our journey in ACA, at some point we realized we were alone again. We had always felt this way, but never allowed ourselves to face the truth. As we make space for our Higher Power, we allow the fear and pain to pass through us. We begin to see that the universe is a safe place for us, and that by facing our loneliness, we can become whole. We take this inward journey with the help of our sponsors and fellow travelers who have done so before us and who can share their experience, strength, and hope.
We let our dysfunctional families fade in the distance, and we move into new, healthier relationships where we get our needs met. We stop trying to replace our parents with people who wear different masks. Although such relationships might temporarily feel good, they soon come crashing down as we see them for what they are: ugly, messy and codependent.
We realize we may slide back once in a while, because recovery is rarely a straight line. But we are learning to pull out of our nosedives faster and with more grace. There is no need to go down with the ship anymore.
On this day I will allow that which is dead to be what it is. I will take whatever time I need to fully grieve and then move on.
"We learn to reparent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love, and respect." BRB p. 590
How do we reparent ourselves with gentleness if roughness or even cruelty was a staple of our childhoods? As we grew, we may not have felt capable of kindness toward ourselves because our critical inner parent was always in our heads saying things like "You fool! Your life's a mess! And you're to blame!"
But we knew we wanted to treat ourselves better; we wanted desperately to have an inner voice shift to something kinder, like "Have a cup of tea with me and tell me what's wrong."
In ACA we learn that if we can catch our critical inner parent at work, we can shift gears and try to do the opposite. When we feel criticized, we can hit the "Whoa!" button and stop ourselves from joining in the frenzy. We can tell ourselves "I can't do better than my best, so I will simply do my best right now." We can even teach ourselves techniques that help calm us down in these situations, like changing our visual image of another person from someone who is menacing to perhaps a kindly cartoon character. Something this simple can help us get through the critical patches.
On this day I will treat my Inner Child and myself to twenty minutes alone over a fresh cup of tea or a glass of juice so we can just listen to each other.
"To make progress, we must want the ACA way of life and all that it has to offer." BRB p. 33
Many of us faithfully go to our weekly meeting and feel we are working our program. We recognize that ACA has helped us make positive changes in our lives, but our enthusiasm isn't the same as it once was and there doesn't seem to be much change happening anymore. Yes, there are certainly other things we'd like to fix in our lives, but it's just not happening. While we appreciate the honesty that happens in our meeting, we're starting to think the program is no longer working for us, that it might be time to move on to something else.
If we find ourselves thinking these thoughts, it may be time for an inventory. Do we have an active relationship with a Higher Power? Do we have a sponsor/fellow traveler we talk to regularly for support and guidance? Do we go to other meetings, maybe even phone or internet meetings, to get a fresh perspective? Have we done service work to step out of our comfort zone? If we answer "no" to these questions, maybe it's not the program that's not working. Maybe we're not seeing the full potential of the program.
On this day I will re-evaluate my commitment to how I work the program because I know it works for me when I work it. And I'm worth it!
"We learn to restructure our sick thinking one day at a time." BRB p. 590
Recovery happens, sometimes whether we're completely conscious of it or not. We just have to keep coming back and doing the work, "One day at a time."
It's amazing when we find we've been thinking about a type of situation that used to bother us, and "Poof!" It no longer has the same power over us. Maybe we encounter something that reminds us of the past, perhaps from our childhood, like how we looked at some classmates and wondered what it felt like to be in their shoes, envying them their seeming smoothness and ability to do everything right. This same "one-down" mentality was what we carried into adulthood, substituting that popular kid for someone we worked with or a neighbor or another parent. What we didn't realize was we were judging our insides by other people's outsides.
With the help of ACA and giving ourselves the time to work at our recovery, we realize that the sick thinking we carried around for so long is evaporating; we no longer look at things the same way. We think about that kid or those other people and suddenly understand the shift in our thought process. We see reality - that not everything is as it appears to be on the outside. We learn to look deeper, especially at ourselves.
On this day I know that I am not now, nor have I ever been, less than anyone else.
"Being adult children, we have learned to endure colossal amounts of abuse and aloneness that only we understand." BRB p. 68
As adult children, we often forget that isolating is as natural to us as breathing. We may not even realize that we are doing it. Our first reaction to pain is usually to hold it inward, waiting until we are in agony before we tell someone else or reach out for help.
The tools of the ACA program help us to come out of our isolation and begin to form new habits. When something scares or upsets us, we can go to a meeting or call our sponsor. When we share how we feel in meetings, we look around the room and often see heads nodding in agreement. The feelings we were too ashamed to admit become not so bad after all as we realize we are not alone. Our black-and-white thinking may even be causing us to see things as much worse than they really are.
We have felt alone for a long time, but we don't need to feel that way anymore. By working the ACA program, we can place our trust in a Higher Power and know that we will be safe in turning our pain over. We can let go of the need to isolate.
On this day I will remember that I don't have to suffer in silence. I have a program that is helping me learn to break my habit of isolation.