Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"The memory contains PTSD elements of fear, threat to survival, and feeling alone, perhaps destitute." BRB p. 180
Many of us experienced the trauma of being left alone for hours, having to feed ourselves and to do whatever else was necessary to survive. We ate what we could find, even if it was half-rotten; we wore what was there, even if it wasn't clean, had holes, and didn't fit. We were desperately afraid, we were neglected, and we didn't know if we would survive.
We suffer from PTSD, just as sure as if we were raised in a war zone. As a result, we often developed addictions directly related to what we experienced. If we didn't have enough food, we may have developed an eating disorder; if we didn't have enough to wear, we may have become a compulsive shopper or a shoplifter; if we were terrified of being alone, we may have learned to manipulate others to keep them around.
In ACA, we discover the Laundry List traits, the survival behaviors we developed as a way of coping with our childhood trauma. As we continue to learn more, we use this knowledge to begin to take care of ourselves in a healthy way. We make a commitment that even if we feel overwhelmed, we will not abandon ourselves and our program. We know recovery is possible in ACA because we see it in others.
On this day, if I reach outside of myself for an unhealthy solution, I will remember to reach inside for the experience, strength, and hope the program gives me.
"Sponsorship is the vehicle by which we take the road less traveled to a true connection with others and a God of our understanding." BRB p. 368
Coming from a family of dysfunction, we developed a fear of authority. We learned early that our opinions, feelings, and attitudes were insignificant. The power belonged to the raging alcoholic, the enabling spouse, and any older children in the family who were given authority over us because they had been put in charge of most of our care. In alcoholic homes, the parents were too involved in fighting or manipulating each other over alcoholic rages and abusive behavior to care for us.
When we escaped, we vowed never to let another person control us; yet, we found ourselves either being the abuser or the dependent one in most relationships we developed, including working relationships, religious relationships, and friendships.
When we finally found ACA, for some of us, choosing a sponsor to help us work the Steps often lead to the same type of relationship we were familiar with. Then we discovered the "fellow traveler" model of sponsorship. We found this peer-to-peer concept helped keep us out of our people-pleasing or running-someone-else's-life behaviors. It put us on equal footing and allowed us to travel the road to recovery together.
On this day I will walk hand-in-hand with my fellow traveler so we can help each other recover on the less-traveled road.
"Before finding recovery, we suppressed our feelings and were overly responsible. We tried to anticipate the needs of others and meet those needs so we would not be abandoned." BRB p. 94
Many of us have focused all our efforts on spouses, significant others, or children, trying to do everything possible to make them comfortable and happy. We may have spent so much time with our children and their friends that we were uncomfortably intrusive. Because we feared abandonment, we may have sacrificed ourselves in an attempt to keep our spouses from becoming bored with us.
These actions kept us from admitting, "I'm tired. I'm not interested. I don't have time." Eventually, we began to resent them. We deserved to do things we wanted to do, and our family members needed space to breathe, to make their own decisions, to make mistakes and learn from them.
With ACA recovery, we finally get the message that it's okay to let loved ones do their own thing. It's okay to let them find happiness through their own actions. Not being constantly involved in their lives does not mean they will abandon us. In fact, it can strengthen our relationships when we all feel the relief of being responsible for ourselves.
On this day I will remember that I do not need to micromanage the lives of those close to me. They will not abandon me simply because I let them live their own lives.
"We learned to keep our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults." BRB p. 589
How can we honor our feelings when many of us were brought up by parents who implied or directly told us that we shouldn't talk about, think about, or even have our feelings? They told us we were "imagining things," or said "Stop making a big deal out of nothing." They said showing feelings and emotion would turn us into weaklings. It was more important to look good and not be concerned with feelings, especially those related to fear, anger, and sadness. How would we be able to stand on our own two feet if we were shadow-boxing with unnecessary emotions? We got the message loud and clear and kept our feelings buried for decades.
But how long can we go on stuffing things before it affects us emotionally, mentally, and physically; before people shun us because these denied feelings start manifesting themselves as inappropriate behavior?
In ACA, we begin to recognize and honor our feelings in real time. When fear, anger, envy, greed, and jealousy appear, we identify and filter them as honestly as possible. Sometimes simple acknowledgement and perspective gathering is enough. But we also should be prepared to talk about our feelings for the purpose of gaining true understanding and acceptance. As we do so, resilience and serenity begin to permeate our minds and our souls.
On this day I will honor my feelings by unlocking them and accepting them as an essential part of my whole being that deserves love and respect.
"We cannot reach the level of spiritual growth that we are seeking by blaming sick people." BRB p. 158
The hard truth about alcoholism and family dysfunction is that there is no one to blame. It may feel as if our parents caused our suffering, but we forget that dysfunction is inherited. They were simply working with what they were given. They may not have willingly set out to harm us; they were reacting to their own sickness and in turn passed down the disease of dysfunction.
As children, we experienced unfair treatment and wished our parents would get help. However, we had no control over their actions.
But today we have control over whether we hang on to blaming people who could not help themselves at the time. When we let go of accusing sick people, we can focus on ourselves and what can be done in the here and now to help ourselves heal. We loosen the ties that keep us bound to circumstances that couldn't have turned out differently, thereby creating the possibility of limitless growth within us.
On this day I will do all that I am capable of to help stop the generational dysfunction in my family. In doing so, I will let go of any blame that is keeping me from experiencing greater levels of recovery.
"‘Can we even have personal recovery without ACA unity?' Our First Tradition frankly says ‘No.' ACA members working the Twelve Steps recognize the need to place the group's survival ahead of their own selfish needs or their fear-based urge to control others." BRB p. 492
Our feelings of self-doubt are often revealed by the exchanges we have at a business meeting. They tend to surface in clandestine forms of control and its close cousin, manipulation.
When the group is considering taking an action, we may voice a concern or point out that it may violate a Tradition. If a course of action is taken that we disagree with, our personal program helps us to admit we are powerless and accept the things we cannot change.
We are mindful that unity does not mean complete agreement. Still, we strive for substantial unanimity in making the group's decisions. We actively seek out the voices of dissent, giving them an opportunity to be heard. This ensures that all sides of a discussion are heard, and perhaps compromises may be reached.
Actively listening to each other is an exercise in inclusivity. Decisions that raise rancor may have to be tabled or revisited when feelings are not running as high. Nonetheless, if the group's decision is firmly grounded in the ACA Traditions, even if we don't agree, we are called on to turn over our personal agenda.
On this day I will be mindful that everyone's voice should be heard on group issues. If I can contribute my experience, strength, and hope, I will do so without expectations. Being open-minded and tolerant is humility in action.
"The ACA program has brought me the miracle of life. I am able to experience compassion, forgiveness, love, and gratitude, the emotions that make my life worth living." BRB p. 140
Before ACA, many of us were so mired in our dysfunctions that if someone asked us how we felt, we usually just said, "Fine." We probably didn't even know how to describe our feelings, since many of us couldn't think of more than a few anyway. This was the result of consistently stuffing them in our childhood and adult lives.
In ACA, we learn to change our thoughts, to gradually free ourselves from the things that are weighing us down. We see that the sky is often a beautiful blue; it's not always cloudy. We start to see so many more possibilities for ourselves about the way we truly want to live our lives.
We find that it's possible to have compassion for others in a way that doesn't mean we want or need to fix them. We understand that we all have struggles; we offer help where we can, with no strings attached. Instead of carrying resentments, we learn forgiveness. We begin to release any bitterness and anger. Instead of being a victim and feeling as if we don't have enough, we learn to have gratitude for what we have and for our potential. We find the miracles.
On this day I will remember the emotional gifts this program has given me, and with gratitude I promise to continue to open myself up to life's possibilities through ACA
"In childhood our identity is formed by the reflection we see in the eyes of the people around us." BRB p. 84
Who were our mirrors? It was the people who told us in words and actions how unwanted, bothersome, or stupid we were. We tried to do what they wanted, but it was usually never enough. Any approval we got was conditional. And it evaporated if we let down our guard by not getting perfect grades, not taking care of our siblings the right way, or not doing the housework well enough.
We didn't know who we really were because our identity was whatever they told us it was.
What brings most of us to ACA is that we eventually get tired of trying, isolating, and stuffing our feelings. This is where we learn to accept that our parents and families are never going to be like the ones on television or down the street. Instead of continuing to recreate the rejection and abandonment we received as children, we learn to love and affirm ourselves. Our sponsors and fellow travelers tell us to accept only what is good, and if it doesn't feel right, don't do it. We keep following these suggestions repeatedly until we notice we are no longer who we were once told we had to be. We are strong and independent.
On this day I define who I am. I am good, and I accept only what is good and healthy in my life.
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." BRB p. 130
When we heard "restore us to sanity," some of us tried to remember when we had ever even felt sane. We had lived obsessed with control and were addicted to our families of origin. Step Two was a revelation when we realized how the dysfunction and insanity of our childhoods had affected us.
Our inventories and Step work guided us on the journey inward that would lead to our True Selves. We saw that we needed to allow the long-suppressed emotions and voices to surface.
The voices came from our Inner Child; we learned that our insanity had kept us from paying attention. But we needed to hear our full story, so we began to listen. This helped us step out of our shaming shadows and into the light. We began to realize that our personal Higher Power had been there inside of us to guide us all along. We were finally learning to embrace our feelings and not cover them up with addictions.
As we continued to recover, we realized that feeling sane meant taking care of ourselves not just emotionally, but physically, too. For some of us, this was a first.
On this day I will have faith in a power greater than myself. I will give myself permission to explore what that is for me, no matter what it looks like for others.
"A spiritual bypass means that the person is attempting to avoid the pain that can come with working through the trauma and neglect from childhood. In some cases, the person attempts to jump ahead in the recovery process without going through the entire process. This path invariably fails or leads to dissatisfying results." BRB p. 287
While looking for answers, many of us have read countless self-help books, put on a false face, and purchased products to boost our self-esteem. We wanted a quick fix for our empty lives, but we found temporary relief at best. We inevitably spiraled downward into a familiar despair, wondering yet again, "Will it ever be my turn to be happy?"
When we find ACA, we hear the Solution and see progress and spiritual recovery in others. This gives us hope. We learn that the tools of recovery are meant to work together, not in isolation. Many people leave ACA believing they worked the program, but it just didn't work for them. In fact maybe they expected ACA to be another quick fix.
If we use all the tools the way they're meant to be used, ACA can heal us and change our lives. By attending meetings, working the Steps, reaching out to others, and finding a Higher Power, we can recapture our True Selves - the person we were born to be.
On this day I will have the courage to use the tools of the ACA program, especially the one that's hardest for most of us - reaching out to others for help.
"Hearing the message of recovery and hope from someone else fans the dim spark of aliveness we keep buried inside." BRB p. 359
When we got to recovery we may have been a mess. We may not have even known it then, but many of us were broken and on our last leg. We may have even tried to kill ourselves with drugs and alcohol at some point, or had unprotected sex with someone we didn't know. We may have buried all our light because we felt we did not deserve to experience it.
We work today to dust off the source of light inside us that is a gift from our Higher Power. We pray and meditate, finding the lifesaving value of doing so. We learn the message of the Twelve Steps and the value of this amazing fellowship that is available to us, just for the asking. We are grateful for the tools of recovery. If we need to get abstinent in some way, we do that with the help of the Steps and a sponsor. We are no longer alone.
On this day I will reach out to whomever I need to help me remember and work through the trauma of my past. If there is something that is blocking me, I will do my part and then ask my Higher Power to remove it from my path.
"We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process." BRB p. 11
"Yes, Sir! Anything you want, Sir! Whatever I can do, Sir!"
"Maybe if I do the dishes faster, Mom won't drink so much this weekend."
"I'll keep the little kids quieter, and then Dad won't get so mad."
Many of us feel we have to do for others so they will like us, so the alcoholic won't hit us, so people won't get mad at us. As adult children, we get so good at doing for others that we end up believing we're only okay if we have their approval. Those others can be bosses, friends, coworkers, spouses, and children.
In ACA, we start to see this pattern of approval-seeking. As a result, many of us find that we don't know what we want, or how to make a decision for ourselves. Some of us can't even name our favorite color, but we sure know the favorite colors of others!
As we begin to discover ourselves, we learn to separate the idea of a simple act of kindness from that of sacrificing ourselves in a way that destroys our self-worth. We begin appreciating that we are okay and can affirm ourselves for who we are, not what we do.
On this day I clearly see the difference between seeking false approval and doing a good deed because it's the right thing to do. I am grateful for that realization as I live my recovery.
"In ACA, we learn to let go of control in stages. Our parachute is the Twelve Steps and a Higher Power of our understanding." BRB p. 40
While growing up, we may have felt controlled by our parents and the palpable dysfunction that surrounded us. As a result, in adulthood we found ways to take control, whether we did it directly or passively through covert manipulation. Being in control made us think we could determine our own destinies.
But trying to control people and situations is exhausting work. If we are truly honest with ourselves, we realize that the control we think we have is an illusion. Many of us learned this the hard way, as things began falling apart around us.
By working the Twelve Steps with the help of a Higher Power and our fellow travelers, we come to believe that our focus on gaining and maintaining control leaves little room for the healthy things in our lives, like positive self esteem, balanced relationships, spontaneity, and a world full of possibilities.
We also learn that letting go of control happens in stages. After all, we are trying to change an ingrained behavior that took a long time to ‘perfect'. The key is to be gentle with ourselves.
On this day I will practice letting go of the control I have worked so hard to have over the people and events in my life. I will forgive myself if I slip.
"We often lost our creativity, our flexibility, and our sense of humor." BRB p. 333
"I always keep my sense of humor tucked in my hip pocket - available at all times," the old man said. "Where do you keep yours?"
When we first walk into ACA meetings, the last thing in the world we think of is a sense of humor. There's just too much pain. In many dysfunctional families, what passed as humor was really a form of sarcasm. For some of us who were the mascot or clown in our family of origin, utilizing humor was second nature. But it was the role we played for survival.
Rediscovering our true sense of humor sometimes begins in ACA meetings. Many times laughter erupts when certain things are said. That laughter isn't meant to poke fun; it's recognition of a shared experience that unites us. Fellow travelers understand what we're talking about.
Opening up to our sense of humor allows recovery to thrive. We discover that laughter can be a wonderful tool in our tool bag. We can watch funny movies or internet snippets to encourage our belly laughter. It feels wonderful to make healthy humor part of the healing process.
On this day I will keep my heart open to the things that make me laugh. Laughter brings me joy and makes everything better. Life is good!
"Authority figures scare us and we feel afraid when we need to talk to them." BRB p. 417
As children we may have been terrified to voice a thought about anything to the authority figures in our lives. We learned to keep quiet because we usually didn't know what reaction we might get.
As adults, we may still have found ourselves reacting to authority in the same manner, whether it was in a work environment or even a social group or organization that resembled a workplace structure or purpose. We may have tried to avoid authority figures, but they're everywhere. Being self-employed didn't insulate us from these interactions, either.
Even in ACA, some of us place others in roles of authority where we find ourselves recreating our family structure. But recovery is where we can become aware of our reactions and practice new ways of acting. Before we talk to an authority figure, we can stop and perform a reality check. Are we imagining the worst? Is this person going to respond like my dysfunctional parent did years ago?
If we are fearful, a very successful technique many of us use is to write a script and role-play with a trusted friend. As part of this process, we give ourselves plenty of affirmations. Growth happens when we find that the more we actually do talk to authority figures, the more our confidence increases. At last we begin to see ourselves as recovering adults, not fearful children.
On this day I will use my recovery wisdom and strength as I interact with authority figures. I am no longer frozen by fear.