Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." BRB p. 130
Many of us have never known what sanity is, and the very word can set us on edge. We know everything that sanity is not, because that's how we grew up. We think, "How can I be restored to a state I've never experienced? If this Step is about restoration, maybe ACA isn't for me." This thinking might have moved us to walk away before we invested any hope in the process.
But we were fortunate enough to hear from others who take a more gentle perspective. They say, "Calm down. Try not to jump to conclusions too soon. Some of us had the same thoughts and feelings as you." They suggest that coming to believe in a Higher Power of our own choosing and working the Steps can give us the promise of a new life, one free of the character defects that have kept us from living purposefully. They assure us that the program and their Higher Power have worked miracles in their lives.
This feels comforting and helps us see that we are where we belong. We change our perspective and come to believe, act, and feel…sane. For many of us, sanity simply means peace of mind, which we gratefully welcome.
On this day I recognize that the insanity in my life was rooted in the dysfunction of my childhood. It no longer has the same hold over me because peace and serenity are what I focus on as I experience recovery.
"Our attempts at control bring spiritual death to a relationship with ourselves and others." BRB p. 41
How many forms of control are there? On entering the rooms of recovery, we find there are almost as many as there are people.
But don't all people attempt to control others? Yes, but not with the feverish pitch present in adult children.
As young children, we had no control in our family of origin. When chaos surrounded us and threatened our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being, we could only cower to the powers that caused the abuse.
The almost fierce need many of us have to control others stems from being these abused children. We fear that if at any moment we let go of the reins and allow others to take control, history will repeat itself, and we will again be that five-year-old hiding behind the sofa.
This helps explain why we use all the methods we can to keep control of our environment, or the illusion of control. And we attempt to hide what we're doing by saying things like, "I'm just looking out for everyone's welfare."
In ACA, we learn that control is fear-driven, and we learn to face our fears. We bring our 5-year-old out from behind the sofa and reparent ourselves with love and kindness.
On this day I will face my fears with the help of my fellow travelers and release my need to control others.
"Many adult children struggle with self-forgiveness because we are oriented to doubt ourselves or to be hypercritical of ourselves as children." BRB p. 234
We carry messages in our heads that if we do something and anyone has a negative reaction, we must have made a mistake. And if anyone tells us we did something wrong, our first thought is, "Of course they're right!" It doesn't matter whether we actually did something wrong or not.
We tell ourselves things like "I should have known better!" "What's the matter with me?" "Look at his expression; of course he's mad at me." These are like the messages we heard as children that became so ingrained that we learned at a very early age to say them to ourselves.
Now as adults in ACA, we stop "beating ourselves up" and see the full story. Our healthy support system can help us understand the reality of our situation, to determine what's really ours and what actually belongs to someone else.
On this day I will remember that I deserve to treat myself better! I will use the tools of the program to separate myself emotionally from an uncomfortable situation and take on only what belongs to me.
"We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us." BRB p. 17
We held on to relationships that died years ago. We were ashamed that we couldn't stand up for ourselves, but we told ourselves that at least we had somebody. It was a roller coaster - things got worse, then better, then even worse than before. We were going deeper and deeper down a never-ending hole with no light, and we were running out of time.
Today we breathe the crisp cool air of discovery in the sunlight of ACA. We choose to be honest with ourselves and others because it's become a habit for us, one that was born out of our Step work and calm commitment to the program that guides us through the once-dark regions of our lives. We hide from no one.
We are alive, whole, and sane, and we like it. If someone wants to leave our life, we let them go. In ACA, we've learned we cannot do for others what they will not do for themselves. When we let things die, there's room for more love and new growth. We celebrate the old and the new, seeing their connection to our spiritual health.
On this day I will do the work to heal my past and learn to focus on the healthy things I've begun to experience. I will let go and let my Higher Power in.
"By addressing our fear, we release some of our glaring behaviors of manipulation, passive-aggressiveness, and false kindness." BRB p. 40
We grew up in homes where love was conditional. How we were treated depended on how we acted. Many of us were so fearful of being punished or ostracized that we learned to manipulate those around us. Some of us became very good at passive-aggressive behavior; we learned to get what we thought we wanted or needed without directly asking for it by putting on a false mask.
Because these were survival mechanisms based in fear, as adults we realized that we weren't really getting what we needed. For some of us, the frustration of feeling like we had to operate in this manner often built to a point where we would explode, sending ourselves spiraling into some form of addiction to cope. Eventually, we landed in a place where we didn't know who we really were.
For those of us who are "lucky," when all of our tactics failed us, we found our way to an ACA meeting. This is where we begin to face our underlying fears and learn how to be honest with ourselves. We start to relate to others in a healthy manner. Yes, it's challenging to change such ingrained habits, but we know it's possible. We see others in the program doing it all around us.
On this day, if I am tempted to manipulate others with old behaviors, I will affirm for myself that I am capable of new, healthy, life affirming behavior.
"It is not the purpose of the Twelve Steps of ACA to place blame on the parent or caregivers; however, the adult child also must not shield the parents during the inventory process." BRB p. 109
Condemning or raging at ourselves for not doing something "right" is a carryover from our dysfunctional childhood. This behavior was programmed into us. In ACA, we learn to change that by re-programming ourselves to be kind to both our Inner Child and our adult self.
When we're tempted to get stuck in blaming our parents for everything that's wrong in our lives, we are reminded that ACA is not about blame. We revisit the past to learn why we think and act as we do and find out how to change our thought patterns. And we accept responsibility for our own actions as adults.
While we strive to forgive our parents so we can let go of our resentment, this doesn't mean we forgive their deeds. We learn to forgive the person separate from the action. Dysfunction is a family disease passed down through the generations. Even though we forgive, it may still be necessary to separate from people who continue to be unsafe.
We recognize where our self-harming behaviors originated and know that we don't have to hang onto them. We accept that we are human beings, and as such, we know that we will inevitably make mistakes. But we are not now, nor have we ever been a mistake.
On this day I honor myself as my own best friend. I will stop the cycle of self-inflicted emotional abuse learned through the generations of dysfunction.
"The effects of verbal and emotional abuse are hard to comprehend because we never thought to challenge what was said to us or about us until we found ACA. If we were told we were worthless or ignorant as children, we believed it without question." BRB p. 30
For many of us, our caretakers taught us in action and deed that we were worthless. When there was no food, we thought it was because we deserved none. We were bad. We cried alone in our rooms, but eventually learned not to cry when we saw that it made us more vulnerable. We retreated from our bodies and emotions until nothing was left but confusion. The trauma was complete. We had become numbed-out zombies compulsively seeking the next shock to remind us we were still alive.
We now allow ourselves to get angry at those who harmed us and others who knew and did nothing. We journal, we talk to friends. We rage and hit pillows with wiffle bats and scream if we have to, but we don't hold it all in. We let go of blaming ourselves. We know we weren't the cause of what happened.
We now choose to be around those who validate us when we talk about what happened and let go of those who stare blankly as we recount our childhood. We don't spell it out - we just let go.
On this day I choose to talk to those who can truly hear me and let go of those who can't. I know I am worthwhile and deserve to have caring people in my life.
"Another stumbling block involves taking on too much program work at once. Some members who smoke, overeat, and act out sexually might attempt to address all of the conditions at once. For these ACA members, we suggest two program slogans: ‘Easy Does It' and ‘First Things First.'" BRB p. 51
When we first decided to attend an ACA meeting, we entered these rooms alone, scared, angry, or exhausted. We knew we needed to do something, but we didn't know what - that's why we came here. Many of us were looking for ways to change the people in our lives, and we wanted to change them now.
We learned that our family of origin issues and failed relationships didn't happen overnight. We don't need to read every self-help book this week or hand the Laundry List to everybody we know. If we really want to trust that the program is going to work for us, we learn to follow in the footsteps of those who came before us - to slow down and "Take It Easy."
We learn how to take care of ourselves by attending meetings. We pray for the courage to ask someone to be our sponsor or fellow traveler who will help us work the Steps. We stop complicating, analyzing, and debating. We learn to keep the focus on ourselves and "Keep It Simple."
On this day I will remember to be kind to myself and use our slogans, especially "First Things First," "Easy Does It," and "Keep It Simple." They will help me stay grounded.
"With our common experiences, we find that we can help one another in ways that others cannot because we carry with us empathy and an understanding of the disease of family dysfunction." BRB p. 515
An endless cycle of giving and receiving is at the very heart of the success and continuation of ACA. Adult children understand each other, because we have experienced similar effects from being raised with similar dysfunction. Being in the company of those who know of our pain brings comfort and reassurance that we are not alone.
When we hear others who have done the work and are reaping the benefits of recovery, we are filled with hope for our own future. As we work the Steps and see progress in ourselves, we willingly reach out to others in need. By honestly and openly sharing our experience, we help them open up to the possibility of their own growth.
We see that our pain is subsiding little by little, and we are finding a new happiness in the way others have. By giving of ourselves to fellow adult children, we are filled with gratitude for a new way of life, and share willingly to encourage others on their journey.
On this day I accept the love and support so freely given by my ACA brothers and sisters, and as I experience my own recovery, I open my heart to those seeking a new way.
"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out." BRB p. 263
In ACA, we begin to get in touch with a loving Higher Power that some of us choose to call God. We realize we have an inner compass that is steering us, and we are not alone.
As we continue to pray and meditate, we often find that the image of our Higher Power changes. This is okay; it is a normal part of growth. We are changing, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. But we are always striving to move forward, seeking what is right for us.
We no longer struggle or fight when we get confused. When we are looking for answers, we stop and smell the roses until they come naturally. We don't let others throw us off. We no longer allow our dysfunctional families to control what we think and say about ourselves and our lives.
Our spiritual path does not need to match anyone else's. We pray for our own knowledge, not the answers for anyone else. If we truly listen, we see that our Inner Children are steering us closer to our Higher Power as they ask to be nurtured and loved. With guidance, we are choosing the next right thing to do for ourselves.
On this day I reach out to the source that is always there when I am open to listening, even if I don't have a specific definition of my beliefs.
"I believe it is through the Twelve Step program of ACA that we no longer live life from a basis of fear. We live with self-care and love." BRB p. xxiv
We just sat and waited, or we tried to keep ourselves busy while we waited, even though it was difficult to concentrate. We waited in fear for the fireworks to start. We thought about what we could do to keep it from happening. But even if we had known then what we know now, we were children and we couldn't have stopped it. It was like a runaway train.
As adults, we found relationships where we could continue to do what we did best: wait. We waited in fear for the addict, for the abuse, for anything to go wrong. But as our emotional illness progressed, along with it often came physical illness. Gratefully, we eventually realized that this was no way to live.
In ACA, we can look back at the trauma we endured and know that our True Self was buried underneath the rubble, and we can resurrect it. We can now learn to sit peacefully, no longer worrying about what others are doing. We practice self-care and feel gratitude for the new insights that we continue to have.
On this day I will nurture my True Self by no longer living in fear and by not worrying about things that are none of my business.
"An adult child is someone who responds to adult situations with self-doubt, self-blame, or a sense of being wrong or inferior - all learned from stages of childhood." BRB p. vii, footnote
We may have grown up with parents who used anger and conditional love to control us. Maybe they were perfectionists and we could never measure up to their ideals. We were left with a feeling of certainty that our feelings, opinions, and perceptions were inadequate - that it was wrong to be an imperfect human being.
As adults, our sense of wrongness from childhood may have kept us from expressing our true opinions; we feared others would abandon us if we disagreed with them. This may have led us to make unhealthy choices about partners or careers because our self-doubt was more powerful than our ability to trust ourselves.
ACA meetings finally provide us with an opportunity to break the "Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" rule. As we face our shame and feelings of abandonment, we begin to realize that our self-image is not actually based on objective reality. We start to see more of the middle ground in situations and to approach life as balanced adults. As we learn to experience our Higher Power's unconditional love, we see that our opinions matter, and that even when we don't think and feel as others do, we are still lovable.
On this day I validate and honor my own feelings and views. With the help of ACA, I see myself in a balanced way and know I am capable of handling situations as a mature adult.
"Remember HALTS. Do not get too hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or serious. When you get overly tired, it is easy to over-react to a situation. Exercise, get enough sleep, write in a journal, and aim for a balanced lifestyle." BRB p. 427
HALT is an acronym that is well known in many Twelve Step programs. It stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. When we feel out of balance, it's often that one or more of these things are in play. When we become aware of what's going on, we can take the necessary steps to mend ourselves.
There's often an "S" added at the end of HALT that stands for "Serious". It might also stand for "scared" or "sad" or "sick" - feelings or conditions we have had most of our lives, but haven't always identified the effect they've had. When the "S" is happening, it's time to be even gentler with ourselves.
We've learned that ignoring our reality doesn't make it go away. Even long-term ACAs can see their program seemingly fly out the window whenever HALTS isn't addressed. At these especially vulnerable times, the remedies might include connecting with our Higher Power, going to meetings, and talking to other ACAs. We are learning that these things help us have balance in our lives.
On this day I remind myself that when I feel down and don't see what's happening, remembering HALTS and doing the next right thing help me gently take care of myself in the way I deserve.
"By now, we have stopped punishing ourselves. We are asking God, as we understand God, to help us become entirely ready to have these defects of character removed." BRB p. 215
We used to beat ourselves up over things that we couldn't control. To help cope, many of us practiced compulsive behaviors. Some were more destructive than others, like using drugs, binging and purging, or getting high on controlling others. "Healthier" hang-ups, like excessive exercise, TV or sports, or being social butterflies may have been more acceptable, but ultimately made us almost as miserable.
Some of us felt a rush when we did something compulsive. Then we minimized the consequences in order to survive. Eventually we realized these things made us miserable and compromised our quality of life. When we begin to uncover the roots of our selfpunishing behavior, we see our defects for what they are, and we become entirely ready to have them removed. We realize that instead of numbing the pain, the only way to become whole is to work through it. We ask our Higher Power to lead us to a better place. As we do the work, we can make a list of our defenses and dialog with our Inner Child about how to give them up. We can reassure those parts of us that are still acting out that they are now safe and no longer need to find ways to escape.
On this day I will do all I can to help my Inner Child feel safe and loved. I now work through my problems instead of going around them.
"Most of us agonize over mistakes because we internalize the error." BRB p. 38
When we were kids, making a mistake meant being verbally and often physically abused. Our mistakes provoked over-the-top reactions from the adults around us who did not have the tools to understand that we were just doing what kids and people in general do - make mistakes!
But instead, we heard shaming comments like, "What's the matter with you? Are you stupid? Are you an idiot?" or "You should have known better. Look what you did!" And on top of that, many of us were spanked, slapped, or beaten as well. It seemed like the end of the world when this happened. The mistake could never be undone.
Part of the result was that the more it happened, the better we got at shaming ourselves. We no longer needed to hear it from someone else - because those messages had become internalized. We carried this self-shaming behavior into our adult lives and many of us became merciless in the way we treated ourselves.
In ACA we learn to gradually reprogram those inner critical parent messages and understand that making mistakes is part of being human. We all do it. When we make a mistake, we talk about it, examine the nature of what we did, forgive ourselves, make amends when appropriate, and move on. We begin to think and act like true adults!
On this day I understand that when I make a mistake, I don't have to perpetuate my childhood abuse by beating myself up. I will call someone and process what happened, then move on.