Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"We have a high tolerance for workplace dysfunction and tend to stick it out in an unhappy job because we lack the self-esteem to leave." BRB p. 419
Many of us were trained to be numb, so we were. We didn't speak up for ourselves at work or anywhere because it made us feel guilty. When we were abused, we stayed way past respectable limits. We were prone to being bullied. When put on the spot, we usually crumbled, even though we knew in our gut we were right. Underneath, we seethed with anger and resentment.
As we change and grow with the steps, sponsorship and meeting attendance, we take our recovery with us everywhere. We see direct results as we leave destructive self-abuse behind in our personal life and detach from those we are addicted to, oftentimes our parents. In our work life, it can seem as if a spell has been broken. People who used to push us around or take us for granted now begin to respond differently as we set healthy limits.
We are changing the rules, and it has a ripple effect. We are more than our jobs and now give ourselves the gift of free time to enjoy the things we like. This builds our character and self-esteem, one day at a time.
On this day I will begin to stand up for myself at work and elsewhere when I need to. I will gently say no to what is not right for me and celebrate my successes. I will ask for help to deal with anything negative I may get in return.
"Adult children who are codependents, addicts, debtors, overeaters, sexually compulsive, alcoholics, and gamblers are members if they have a desire to recover from the effects of a dysfunctional family. We cannot turn away anyone seeking help from the isolation and madness of the effects of a dysfunctional upbringing." BRB p. 505
The all-or-nothing thinking that most ACAs have before recovery would have us draw bold lines about who is a bona fide ACA member or not. Time has shown us that the people coming to a meeting are the only ones who can say they are members, and once having claimed a seat, and with rare exception, no one can force them to give it up.
Our fellowship welcomes anyone from a dysfunctional home, whether alcohol was present or not. Adults brought up in foster homes usually lived in dysfunctional situations and can also find a safe place with us to share the effects of their childhood experiences.
There are some occasions when a member creates such fear that the group's conscience has to step in to set up appropriate boundaries. Fortunately, these instances are extremely rare. The scarier idea is that an adult child may be turned away from our door, usually by well-meaning ACAs who unknowingly let their own biases get in the way. Just because someone doesn't talk, or they yell, curse, pout, or cry does not disqualify them from membership.
On this day, unless someone is creating a hazard to others or to the meeting property, I will do what I can to ensure that all members are free to express their experiences as best they can.
"We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs." BRB p. 12
When we first heard this Trait, we may have reflected on all of the relationships we'd had - those we supported financially, or those where we were supported, but which kept us "under lock and key." There were broken people we tried to mend who "had such potential" - why didn't they use it? Some of us had dangerous partners, but when they seemed to love us, the world was momentarily a happy place.
Many of these relationships mirrored our childhood. But we didn't know we were reliving the past. We thought we chose these people out of normal attraction like anyone else. But that was our normal, because we were only taught how to relate to compulsive, dysfunctional people.
In ACA, it is comforting to find different people to relate to - those who have also had rough-and-tumble relationship experiences, but who are choosing a different life. We begin to see how it is possible to relate to them in a new way. We see boundaries being set and maintained. We hear vulnerabilities shared, and we start to feel comfortable doing the same. We begin to trust others and our Higher Power, knowing we are now capable of changing our pattern of self-destructive relationships.
On this day I will focus on my Higher Power and myself to find my center. This will keep me focused so that I can relate to others in a healthier way.
"If we are diligent in working ACA's Twelve Steps, miracles occur that we could not imagine." BRB p. 156
As we began our Step work, we may still have found ourselves thinking about others much more than ourselves. We looked for places to plug in to get the excitement we were used to. We hit up the inner drugstore and binged on the fruits of our crime. It was fun…until it wasn't fun anymore.
As we have become more grounded in ACA, we are more relaxed in how we see things. We know we are not responsible for the world.
We have patience with ourselves, knowing that we won't do our recovery work perfectly. We lighten up on our perfectionist attitudes; we release the unrealistic goals that may have been set for us long ago, either by ourselves or others.
As we cruise through the Steps, trusting our fellow travelers and ourselves, we also experience our Higher Power's love unfolding in us one day at a time. We know we are not alone. This profound gift of recovery allows us to see the abuse that we tried to deny for so long. We value this process of self-discovery as we learn to reparent ourselves with the love and understanding we have always needed and deserved.
On this day I will acknowledge and appreciate my progress in each Step of this journey, whether I am on Step One or Step Twelve.
"We start with the premise that we are whole and that we had a normal reaction to an abnormal situation of being raised in a dysfunctional home. Our normal reaction to protect ourselves has created survival traits, compulsions, and self-harming behaviors, which respond to the ACA Steps and spiritual remedies." BRB p. 143
When we hear we are whole at our core, we wonder, "If this is true, why do I feel so unworthy or defective? Why can't I seem to live from the truth of my wholeness?" The ACA recovery program brilliantly, gently and progressively unravels this dilemma and gradually returns us to our birthright of being whole, of being our True Self.
As we apply the program in our lives and awaken, step by step, to our True Self, we start to feel compassion for all the dysfunctions we used to judge and feel ashamed of. "Of course," we say, "it's completely understandable that I reacted the way I did." We cut ourselves some slack and feel mercy for ourselves. We did the best we could under the circumstances.
It's totally "normal" that we reacted the way we did to the dysfunctional conditions in our upbringing. It's not our fault. We were powerless. We coped as best we could by developing survival traits, compulsions and selfharming behaviors. We weren't bad or wrong for doing that. As we practice the Steps and reparent ourselves with our Higher Power's solution, we forgive ourselves for our shortcomings and reclaim our birthright to wholeness.
On this day I will feel compassion for myself, recognizing that my dysfunctional reactions were "normal" - I did the best I could.
"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." BRB p. 150
When we do our Step Four inventory in the Yellow Workbook, we see that so many of our childhood experiences still seem like fresh wounds. Things that we may have talked about endlessly, even in therapy, take on new meaning when it all suddenly comes together. We notice patterns.
We begin to see a way out of the madness. We breathe a little deeper as the pain begins to subside. We trust in the process. We see that others who have gone through this seem lighter and have a flexibility we want. We trust their experience.
We notice that this inventory is going deeper than the Step work we may have done in other 12 Step programs. We are examining issues that we may have minimized before, especially surrounding our feelings.
We try to be as fearless as possible. Even though we try not to hold back, we also do not push our Inner Children to recount what they are not ready to see. We know we can do another Fourth Step for the next layer of the onion.
On this day I allow myself to be honest and thorough, welcoming the fact that I am always learning more about myself.
"Judging ourselves harshly for mistakes is the Critical Parent." BRB p. 307
The criticism we heard growing up, whether it was from our parents, teachers or others, even other children, became so internalized that we learned to let it define us. This wasn't a conscious decision. It's something that happened gradually.
As adults, we carry these shaming messages with us in the form of our own personal inner critical parent. This is why we continue to ‘beat ourselves up' when we miss the nuance of a situation or make even the smallest error in judgment. These ‘mistakes' might be as simple as walking out the door in front of someone and accidentally cutting them off. Or maybe we're having trouble following a conversation. Our critical inner parent jumps right in with, "How could you be so stupid?" or "What's wrong with you?" When we allow this voice to rule our thoughts, we can second-guess almost everything we do.
As we learn in ACA to silence that critical voice, we replace those messages with more loving thoughts that tell us we haven't done anything wrong - we're okay! If we accidentally cut someone off, we apologize and move on. And we realize there could be many reasons why we're not following what someone is saying. Maybe they aren't painting a complete picture, so we can ask them to explain or rephrase.
Our new responses show strength and they empower us.
On this day I will practice silencing my critical parent and affirm for myself that I am human, and it's okay to be imperfect.
"As we struggle to form an identity separate from our ‘parent' programs, we are also becoming aware of the need to separate emotionally from our alcoholic homes. Only in complete separation can we find the freedom to express who we are and to create the experience of intimate closeness we so desperately needed as children." BRB p. 85
Before many of us came to ACA, our other programs helped us start the journey, but they may have also led us to believe we shouldn't separate ourselves from our abusive families. So we continued to show up for those who were emotionally unavailable, giving them love and support while our own inner resources dwindled.
As our Inner Child develops a voice in ACA, we hear the pain. And we begin to acknowledge the depth of our family's dysfunction. We give ourselves permission to miss family events and let go of the fantasy of what we wanted life with them to be. We are no longer willing to be controlled by them.
In return, we gain dignity and healthy pride; we start to become sane and whole. Even though it is difficult, we realize it is worth it. We find that we are resourceful and have a tremendous capacity for self care, because we have survived our childhood trauma. We seize our own destiny and live our lives from a position of wholeness, no longer operating with one hand tied behind our backs.
On this day I will not look back. I will continue to do what is best for me - creating an identity that is separate from my dysfunctional family.
"One day at a time we make progress in our emotional, physical, and spiritual lives." BRB p. 255
Many of us have experienced a sense of the unreal when it comes to our bodies, either pushing them beyond the true limits of endurance or completely neglecting our physical needs. Some of us have a natural talent for winning physical contests, while others sit on the sidelines thinking to ourselves that we could do that, but we just don't feel like it.
Whatever our past situation, learning to take care of ourselves means understanding the value of appropriate physical activity that doesn't make us vulnerable to unnecessary injury or illness. We begin to allow ourselves to truly appreciate our place in the universe.
It may seem difficult to learn moderation in all things as we find what good, balanced health can mean for us, but gradually it gets easier. We start to establish routines that become habits that eventually become second nature to us.
The accompaniment to our physical care is our emotional nourishment, which we find through prayer and meditation. This can be done silently or be accomplished by experiencing nature, dancing to our favorite songs, or simply reminding ourselves to breathe deeply. It is part of our progress in recovery - how we help ourselves heal.
On this day I live in the moment by taking care of both my mind and my body. I breathe, move, and ask my Higher Power to be with me.
"Many adult children have struggled with sexual compulsivity that has brought great sorrow and a hellish isolation from society." BRB p. 247
We isolated ourselves, even when we were with others. Our bodies did not belong to us, even though we didn't think of it that way. We found ourselves in sticky situations, being sexual with people we didn't like. Afterwards we felt sick. The feeling of being raped again came up but we didn't know where it came from. We were sure that nothing had really happened to us because when we were children our protectors said that it didn't, or it was no big deal. We wanted to believe them. We wanted to hold onto the fantasy that we were loved and cared for.
As we recover, we learn to treat ourselves, including our bodies, with respect. We don't let others touch us when we don't want to be touched. We realize that having sex outside of a committed relationship may be unsafe for us. We know that we can stop being sexual at any time with our loved one when feelings come up that need attention.
On this day I realize that healthy sex comes from trust and respect with a person that I love and who loves me back. I know they love me, not just because they say so, but because they show me by how they treat me.
"Many of us have children who will possibly qualify for ACA one day due to transferring our disease of family dysfunction to them." BRB p. 156
We remember wondering as we were growing up why life was so bad for us and not for other kids. We fantasized about how differently we would treat our children. They would never feel like this because we'd be the best parents - the parents we always wanted.
However, most of us weren't able to fulfill that fantasy. We wanted to act like loving parents, but often found ourselves doing the opposite. What was wrong with us? These were our little children, why couldn't we do things better? And the guilt began to plague us. We didn't yet realize that the effects from our childhood were so ingrained in us. No matter what we promised ourselves, no matter how sincere we were, we repeated the same behaviors.
In ACA, we are relieved to hear others speak about the same guilt, about their inability to be the parents they want to be. It's a relief to know we aren't alone.
We learn that the way to heal the relationships with our own children is to first heal ourselves by recovering from the baggage we've carried from our childhood. As we do so, we begin to lift our heads and free ourselves from the guilt that is keeping us stuck. We begin to change the way we do things.
On this day I will focus on my own recovery and heal myself first, knowing this is how I will have the most positive impact on my loved ones.
"Most ACA members have some form of PTSD, which is often expressed in our hypervigilance of our surroundings or our acute monitoring of comments or actions of others. This behavior is a carry-over from growing up on guard much of the time." BRB p. 160
In recovery, many of us become very aware of how we feel strong emotional and physical triggers by certain things and we don't always know why.
Through our discovery process, we find the underlying trauma that causes this state of hypervigilance. The strong, deep emotions that surface may overwhelm us like a raging sea.
To soothe ourselves, we learn to lie under warm blankets, drink hot tea, and take long baths. We activate our inner loving parent, doing whatever it takes to honor our hurt Inner Child. Our motto has become, "I will take care of me first!"
We dialogue with the wounded parts of ourselves that need love. At first, our Inner Child may seem to scream with rage, "Where were you all these years? How do I know you won't abandon me like everyone else?" But we have the courage to listen to this wounded part, no matter what the cost. We let go of abusive relationships and rearrange our lives to give ourselves more space for healing. We know we are worth it.
On this day I put myself first. When I am in a PTSD tunnel, I will not minimize it to look good for others while I am suffering inside.
"Our experience reveals that there is value in emotional pain. With support, and with gentleness, we can find our healthy pain and its healing release, just as we reclaimed our tears." BRB p. 212
Recovery brought us many new realizations. We came to understand that to protect ourselves during childhood, we had to shut down. This didn't happen for just one event or one day; we had to put a clamp on ourselves for years.
Our reactions to pain were normal under the circumstances. Just as our bodies protected us by recoiling from a hot stove, they protected us another way. When we received the maximum limit of emotional pain tolerable, our bodies distanced us from that pain: healthy recoil. We were most likely unaware of this shutdown. Over the years, so many moments, hours, and days were lost, and eventually, we lost ourselves. We may have even wondered, "How does a normal person feel stuff?"
In recovery, as we begin to uncover the pain, we sometimes feel overcome with an indistinguishable number of emotions. We might think something is wrong or something bad is happening. But we are told by those we trust in ACA that getting in touch with our healthy pain is a good thing.
Thank goodness we have our meetings. We sit together like children who have all escaped a fire. There is comfort in going through this together. We recover our pain by talking about it to others: a great way to heal.
On this day I embrace my healthy pain, remembering that I have a lot to release and process. I feel myself gradually being becoming healed.
"Body shame is not reserved for our weight or shape." BRB p. 441
As children, many of us were cruelly mocked by our families for how we looked. Fodder for jokes were our facial features, body parts, voice, hair, nails, ears, teeth, ethnicity and more.
In order to survive, many of us acted as though this didn't bother us. But secretly we hung our heads in shame. To find a way to fit in, we ate differently, wore bangs, covered our ears, washed our faces relentlessly, and wore clothing to cover up the parts they laughed at. But it usually didn't work - shame and abandonment were the bookends for each day. We lost everything when they abandoned us, because it taught us to abandon ourselves. Our bodies were just another part of ourselves that didn't belong to us.
During the recovery process, we begin to see brief glimpses of our True Selves at meetings as we hear ourselves in others' stories. We finally start to feel acceptance, one hug at a time. Reading the ACA literature confirms that we aren't crazy. Our childhoods may have been stolen, but we survived, somehow. It is with that survivor strength that we doggedly work our program. Gradually, as we look at ourselves, we start to do the most important thing imaginable: we accept our own appearance.
On this day I will look at my whole self in the mirror, smile, and say, "I love every part of you. I am proud of how hard you are working to break the cycle of shame."
"Such survival roles tend to have a hardy life and remain fixed in our personalities long after we have left our unhealthy homes…. There is the 40-year-old sister, living out the lost child role by avoiding holiday meals and rarely calling home." BRB p. 98
Roles adopted to survive our childhood experiences are our default positions in life, unless we become conscious of the underlying causes.
Before ACA recovery, we may have avoided our families because we were overwhelmed with fear, anger, sadness, ambivalence, or mistrust. Not participating in the false cheerfulness of holidays was one way of protecting ourselves.
As we make progress using the tools of the program, we may continue to stay away from our families, but now it's because we realize the interaction is not healthy. We may hope for a time when we are able to care for our Inner Child well enough to re-establish contact. And if we do so, it will be with the full knowledge of what we may or may not get in return when we no longer play the role that makes our families comfortable.
Recovery is a process that ebbs and flows like the waves on the sands of our life. With the help of our ACA support group, our Higher Power, and the compassionate witnesses we find along the way, we can delight in the awakening of our spirit that can bring us joy every day.
On this day I will keep track of my changing family role as a way of noting my progress on this positively exciting spiritual journey I am on.