Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"We also have great difficulty accepting mistakes as adults." BRB p. 38
Many adult children find themselves being overachievers and perfectionists. Many of us live in a white-knuckled what if? environment created by our own need to manage everything and everyone around us. We worry things won't be done on time or be done perfectly.
As children, most of us felt we weren't loved enough because we weren't good enough. Our parents or caretakers reinforced this by letting us know we didn't measure up. So we attempted to be perfect, which of course, fell short.
As we entered adulthood we continued to equate perfection with love or the lack thereof if things didn't work out. No one needed to berate us for imperfections; we were very capable of doing that to ourselves.
Perfectionism, control, negative projection, berating ourselves: how did we ever have time to breathe, let alone have any degree of serenity in our lives?
As we work the ACA program and start to feel better about ourselves, we become okay with imperfection. We accept our human limitations, forgive ourselves for making mistakes and release ourselves from the need to control everything in our environment.
We can take time to breathe… really breathe… as in inhale, exhale and relax.
On this day I will give myself the freedom to make an error and know that it does not affect my worth as a human being.
"We may be speaking program lingo, but we are not talking about what truly bothers us." BRB p. 432
In the beginning, many of us found great comfort in the new language of recovery. It shielded us against the old way of thinking. But some of us found that "talking the talk" without "walking the walk" did not change our actual behavior. We damaged ourselves and those around us by treading lightly. As we learned when we were children, we did not make waves, and the consequences still hurt us deeply. What we needed to see was that we were in a fight for our very lives.
As we recognize our complacence, we begin to free ourselves. We embrace our choices as adults with a firm backbone. We grow up. We do for ourselves what no one else can do: we rescue ourselves. We do this by surrendering our controlling grip and letting other people into our lives who can help us - a sponsor, a fellow traveler, a therapist - whomever we need.
We are not looking for perfection, but progress. We put aside our doubts and walk into the light of a new truth. It may feel painful to be honest and try something new, but not as painful as staying where we are.
On this day I will take action to get a sponsor if I don't already have one. I will commit to working the Steps and not just sound like I know what I'm talking about when I really don't.
"The dysfunction is encoded into our souls as the false self." BRB p. 105
Many of us couldn't be ourselves as children. In order to survive, we bought our parent's negative messages, and then as adults, we repeated their dishonest justifications for crazy behavior. We remember our destructive false pride that wouldn't allow us to admit mistakes or feel vulnerable. On some level, we always knew what we were doing, but our false self was in charge and we didn't have the words or thought processes to do things differently or to express true feelings.
What hurts the most is that for those of us who have children, we modeled this dishonest behavior for them. As much as we tried to stop ourselves, we just couldn't see our way through to show them a better side.
In recovery, we now see that our wounds were so deep that it's hard to imagine that we had a hole that big in our soul. Today we can see that our lack of honesty for so long is constant proof of the trauma we suffered as children, and the reason we need ACA to break the cycle. This is where we strip away all the layers of shame that created our false self. We now more readily admit our shortcomings because as adults we can handle any fallout. In doing so, we help keep the family craziness from growing.
On this day I release my false self and have the courage to admit when I am wrong. I do this so that the hurts stop piling up, for both myself and others.
"We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures." BRB p. 10
So many of us shut down and hide because of our fear of people and authority figures. Most of this fear stems from the way we were treated when we were young. Understandably, what we learned as children carries over into most everything we do today: fear of our partner or boss, fear of success or failure, fear of conflict - the list can seem endless.
Our childhood authority figures, our parents, were often physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive. One thing many of us thought we learned for sure: if anything went wrong, it was our fault.
While working the ACA Steps with a sponsor, we gradually and bravely uncover the traumatic moments from our childhood that made such lasting impressions. No wonder we were scared. No wonder we held our breath and squeezed our muscles tight. Knowing what happened is what leads to change - one follows the other for a reason.
All of our work bears fruit. At some point, the clouds open up and the sun shines through. We get it! We don't have to live in fear anymore. Freedom feels terrific! Thank you, Higher Power!
On this day I acknowledge the fears I've carried for most of my life, and I remind myself that I am now safe. I take deep breaths and feel gratitude for the people in my life who are kind and loving.
"Talking about our feelings is a risk; however, this is a risk worth taking because the rewards are great." BRB p. 186
Where is it safe to talk about our secret fears, our perceived shortcomings, and our doubts about our own sanity? Our Higher Power gave us a group of ACAs who listen to our feelings and do not judge us.
Our ACA fellow travelers feel what we feel and share many of our same doubts and our often misguided perceptions. They do so without trying to fix us and without telling us to "get over it." Their hands are outstretched to newcomers who take the risk of walking through the meeting doors to tell their secrets.
It is very difficult not to believe in a Higher Power when we walk into the rooms of ACA and see the unconditional love we display to one another. The ability to share our feelings in this safe environment moves us toward the rewards of the program. We experience the miracle of learning to love ourselves, and we project a new image to the world.
On this day I know that in ACA I can risk sharing my innermost feelings. They will be met with acceptance and love.
"In acting out, I was screaming when I could not voice my pain." BRB p. 503
Many of us spent years drinking to numb our pain, eating for comfort, using drugs for escape, using sex while hoping for love, or whatever worked for us. While some of us found other Twelve Step programs that helped us with our self-harming, addictive behaviors, others of us may have lived life rotating from one behavior to another. We felt we needed something to help us separate ourselves from the pain, so we "acted out" as a way to avoid "feeling in."
As children, we went through so many tough experiences alone. We couldn't tell anyone what was happening or how we felt. We couldn't even admit that the craziness we observed was really occurring. No one would listen, or if they did, they would smooth it over with excuses or tell us there was something wrong with us for even saying it out loud. As a result, these thoughts or words festered inside.
We now are able to put a voice to our pain that can be heard by others in ACA. No one judges us for feeling the way that we do. Our True Self is able to shine through without turning to our former addictions, our silent partners. We are freeing ourselves from the guilt, shame and loneliness of our past.
On this day, if I feel the pull to act out, I will stay in the moment and try to find out what is triggering my reaction. I will use whatever ACA tools I need to in order to help myself.
"We will discover our real identities by loving and accepting ourselves." BRB p. 591
Real identity? The idea that we aren't "real" can be very confusing at first. The concept is difficult, even maddening. As we go to meetings, we may begin to hear about a critical inner parent, an inner loving parent, and the hidden Inner Child. It seems complicated.
Somewhere in the first few months of attending meetings, it clicks. Slowly we learn, understand, and apply the information we have been gathering, and one day the realization of our dilemma becomes clear. The picture finally comes into view. Without knowing it, we have been perpetrating a fraud: impersonating our True Self with our false self.
As we dive into Step work, we begin to reparent ourselves. In the same instant, we become accepting of ourselves. No longer untethered and wandering aimlessly, our course is made clear with each day of practicing this simple, Higher Power-given program.
A miracle occurs as a result of the work we do in ACA: we unshackle our True Self from our false self, embrace our hidden Inner Child with the caring arms of our inner loving parent, and are carried to higher and higher levels of freedom.
On this day I will listen, learn, and apply the concepts and principles of ACA recovery. They are the means of discovering my real identity, allowing me to love and accept myself.
"All bottoms have meaning, and all bottoms can be a starting point for a new way of life. There is hope. Healing is possible." BRB p. 124
We come to ACA because we've hit some type of a bottom. Maybe we feel hopeless because life hasn't gone as we hoped. Or we've lost too much because of our dysfunctional behaviors, and we realize that we don't know how to change on our own. We tried, but it didn't work. Maybe we find our way to a meeting because deep down we know there has to be something more.
Working the ACA program doesn't mean we might not hit more bottoms. Some of us are often blindsided by something we thought we'd dealt with. Maybe we've spent eons working on our over-responsibility character defect and have made great strides. Then in the face of overwhelming stress and grief, it feels as if we find ourselves right back where we were before we began recovery. We're in there trying to take care of everyone, being the buffer, trying to control the situation.
The difference this time is that we're not really in the same place. We now have tools: the telephone, the BRB, and the meetings. This new bottom tells us that we're a complex individual who doesn't have all the answers.
On this day, when I slip so far that I think I can't see daylight, I will not abandon myself. I will look at my situation as another opportunity for growth in the program.
"Fortunately, our Second Tradition reminds us that our real authority in ACA meetings and service work is ‘a loving God as expressed in our group conscience.'" BRB p. 499
There may often be few, if any, experienced members in our ACA meetings. Who then makes the group's decisions? Who chairs? Who buys the literature? Who sponsors the newcomer when we are all newcomers?
Others of us who started ACA meetings have dealt with this situation by just opening the meetings and asking if anyone wished to chair. We had faith that someone would find the courage to step up. When we asked for someone to buy literature or make copies, a Higher Power brought someone to the meeting who was willing to do this bit of service. When we looked around for someone to work the Steps with us, a comfortable person seemed to appear.
So it is for our group's purpose. When confronted by a situation that seems greater than us, we can feel reassured that by turning it over to the group's Higher Power in the form of a group conscience, a decision can be made. We trust that we can work out the details when we have the best interest of the meeting in mind. If our egos get in the way, we talk to someone and sort it out. We help the day-to-day affairs of the meeting to run smoothly.
On this day I will trust that a Higher Power will express itself through our group's conscience, giving us an opportunity for unity and spiritual growth.
"We ask the adult child considering ACA to look at the program as a way of life that will unfold over time, bringing rich rewards of emotional relief and self-acceptance." BRB p. 95
We took all of the abuse we could and still thought it was our fault. What was it we were doing wrong, anyway? What was it that made us feel so different and defective? Why couldn't we just be like the rest of the people in our family and just take endless amounts of abuse without seeming to care? Why were we so wimpy? And where did negative feelings like anger get us, anyway?
Before ACA, we may have been in other programs that helped us, but where certain feelings may have been minimized. This made us feel like we were back in a place where we had to shut parts of ourselves off. We might have been told that "taking it to God" was the only important thing. That may work for many people, but we realized it wasn't enough for us.
Now, with the help of ACA and the people we have learned to trust, we can accept the value of all of our feelings. We especially accept our anger and no longer run from it, knowing it can help teach us where our boundaries should be. We talk to others who are in touch with their feelings in a healthy way and can really hear us when we express our emotions. We know we are in the right place where healing takes place.
On this day I will realize my emotions are part of a gift from my Higher Power, a gift called "Me."
"Yet, our children and relationships were still mired in our dysfunction. We recreated the abandonment and loss of our own childhood." BRB p. 21
Many of us tried to raise our families differently. But without ACA or another type of intervention, we were like our parents - we could only give what we had. This meant we made a lot of wrong choices. We may even have become alienated from our children, finding that they resented us, just as we resented our parents.
ACA presents us with a choice: stay and get better in a way that might someday repair our relationships, or feel hopeless and continue to fill ourselves with self-blame and shame.
If we choose ACA, we must let go of the fact that we didn't find help earlier, when it could have prevented so much pain. We accept that change takes time, so we "get our heads on straight" and concentrate on taking care of ourselves. As we're ready, we learn to be present in a healthy way for our children. If we're separated from them, we hope they come back to us, but if they don't, we continue to love them and pray they find their way.
On this day I will take care of myself first. Only then will I be available to my family if they ask for emotional support.
"We can pinpoint and measure our loss by comparing the treatment we received as children in dysfunctional families with the care we could have received if raised by loving, consistent parents." BRB p. 204
The grief exercises in Step Five ask us to journal about childhood incidents to help access emotions about events. If they don't surface, we try to see how a present-day child would feel in our situation. We can also look at childhood pictures to help connect with our innocence and what was lost.
Then we're asked to re-read our Step Four "Shame and Abandonment" worksheets and reframe each incident. We describe what would have been different if there were a loving parent in each scenario.
Experiencing loss in this way can help us release it. But if we're blocked, it may be that we switch from grief to anger when it hurts too much. It's like a button is pushed that sends us into shutdown, blame, or rage mode. But the deep sadness of our grief can also help us see the true level of destruction of our emotions, minds, and bodies.
In choosing the recovery process over dysfunction, we realize that grief work helps us find our strong, capable Inner Child. We are learning what a loving parent would do and how we can reparent ourselves. The ACA program is not easy work, but the reward is freedom!
On this day I will hold on to the ACA process when the grief and emotions are screaming. I will stop at nothing to recover my original self.
"We remember we can talk, trust, and feel instead of control, isolate, and fume. Relationships can be different in recovery." BRB p. 291
As children we relied on our survival traits to protect us from harm. Gradually, they grew stronger and more ingrained as we encountered greater levels of family dysfunction and the resulting fear. We carried our traits into adulthood. Initially, we were unaware of their effects, but our relationships suffered.
Through ACA, we realize our survival traits no longer serve us. When we consider emotional intimacy, we may feel scared and at risk for hurt. However, if we risk sharing ourselves with another, we become capable of having a true relationship.
Trusting another person with our most vulnerable selves is a new and maybe scary practice. We can let the other person earn our trust gradually as the relationship develops. We can ask for what we need rather than manipulate to get what we want. We can identify and share our feelings without shutting down or ruminating endlessly. We no longer need to keep our True Selves locked inside. When we risk honesty and openness with another, we discover a world of new possibilities, including love.
On this day I have the courage to break old patterns that keep me from deeper connections with the people in my life.
"Without knowing the meaning of the abandonment encoded within the past, the adult child is doomed to repeat it. The unexamined past becomes the future of the next generation." BRB p. 154
Many of us came from other Twelve Step programs, and our experiences with the Fourth Step may not have been positive. Like medicine, it was something we took because we were supposed to. It didn't feel like an action of love, but rather like a listing of how we were defective people. We were confused by this, but we did as we were told.
When we arrived at ACA, we may have carried that Fourth Step baggage and cringed at the thought of doing another one. What in the world could we be blamed for about our childhood? How could we be at fault?
But we began the work anyway. We may have been confused when we started, but we soon saw that this would be a completely different experience. We answered the questions in the Fourth Step exercises, which gave us a well-rounded view of what actually happened to us. We began to see the reasons why we act the way we do today, and why we could not have turned out differently.
This was an amazing discovery.
We now believe with great hope that we can recover from the effects of our dysfunctional childhood so that we can leave a new legacy for future generations.
On this day I affirm my commitment to examining my past so that I can help change the path of my future and the future of those close to me.
"When we look at the exact nature of our wrongs, we see that we have harmed ourselves based on our sense of being unacceptable, inferior, or lost." BRB p. 198
For years we blamed ourselves for everything - what we did and what others did. To keep the peace, we made amends, both verbal and non-verbal, to unsafe, often violent people in our lives. We were the doormats we were raised to be. We hid our feelings and confided to no one.
Some of us, even after we started recovery in ACA, continued to keep things bottled up and wondered why we weren't changing. Somehow, we had interpreted "taking it to God" to mean just praying the uncomfortable things in our life away. We thought that expressing our feelings, especially anger, to others wasn't acceptable.
We now view anger as a normal, healthy emotion that can help us know when we need to set a boundary, get out of a specific situation, or let go of an unhealthy relationship. We no longer ignore how we feel.
We may create a list of triggers to help us get in touch with our feelings. We might keep lists of emotions to more accurately identify our own. We realize that even the seemingly negative ones are a part of the gift of being completely human.
On this day I will sit with my feelings instead of pushing them away. Then I will make a phone call to share them with a fellow traveler.