Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"Experienced ACA members speak of grief with a sense of serenity rather than with sorrow or resentment." BRB p. 200
When listening to ACAs share at meetings, newcomers may at first only hear the recounting of the childhood events and their effects. If they keep coming back, they may experience an extraordinary transformation.
Over time, newcomers may realize that what they are hearing isn't just a recounting of a story: it's an opportunity to be heard. In alcoholic and dysfunctional homes, none of us was allowed to tell our story. We did not feel that we could trust our families to listen to us because our feelings were minimized or dismissed.
With experience, the newcomer may hear our shares as a courageous, insightful, and inspired reclaiming of our lives. When the experienced member shares, the sense of serenity doesn't stem from the story. The serenity is in realizing, most often for the first time, that the meeting allows us to talk, trust, and feel. No longer imprisoned, what is being witnessed is a grieving process that frees a lost soul.
On this day as I begin to free my soul from the prison of my childhood, I will be present for my fellow ACAs as they do the same.
"It is my bias that no one deserves to live a life of fear and shame." BRB p. xviii
Many ACAs go from blaming, shaming, complaining, and condemning ourselves and others to finally learning to name what is really going on. By doing so, we begin to come out of our victim and/or victimizer roles. We ask our Higher Power to help us remove and release our unhealthy behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. We let go of the justifications we created in our minds for our actions, thoughts, and emotions. Yes, we experienced abuse or neglect as children, and maybe as adults, but we know that does not excuse our dysfunctional behavior now.
As we gain strength and recover, we become healing survivors and then thrivers. We gradually and sometimes more quickly, develop new capacities for healthy wellbeing in our lives. We learn that we deserve a happy, full life. We learn that we have always deserved this. We don't have to do anything to be worthy, we just ARE.
As thrivers, we now know that our Higher Power is there for us. We learn to have unconditional love for ourselves and others.
On this day I acknowledge that I am worthy and deserving of a happy, full life.
"With the help of ACA, we are offering our parents fairness as we look at the family system with rigorous honesty. We are looking for the truth so that we can live our own lives with choice and self-confidence. We want to break the cycle of family dysfunction." BRB p. 27
"What is honesty?" asked the old man.
"Telling the truth," I said.
He raised his eyebrows and replied, "That's only half of the answer. The other part is consistency, which means telling the truth all the time."
How many times do we tell half truths? "Yes, I'd be glad to do that," we say, but deep inside we're already shaming ourselves for giving in. "So, what's wrong?" someone asks. We answer, "Nothing," when our hearts are so broken we'd like to end it all. Or the phone rings in the middle of a fight, and we cheerfully answer like all is right with the world.
When working the steps in ACA, we have the privilege of practicing rigorous honesty with a fellow traveler. We want to break the chains that hold us in bondage - to stop repeating the same ineffective behavior. We're tired of failed relationships, verbal abuse, and isolation. If we truly want to find peace and serenity, we courageously walk through the swamps, hand in hand with our fellow traveler, armed with honesty, to face the truth. We want a better life. We make room for the good stuff that we deserve.
On this day I will be mindful in the present moment and be honest. I will make healthy choices and thank my Higher Power for the encouragement that got me here.
"By working the ACA program, we learn to recognize when we are thinking like a victim or persecutor and to talk about it." BRB p. 9
Since the Laundry List was such an important part of our original identification when we found ACA, we used that mindset (how we were wronged) during our early recovery. To reveal the full extent of our grief and to unstuff our emotions, however, we needed to reflect on our past through the eyes of the victims we'd become.
Step work revealed how our past not only victimized us, but taught many of us to be cruel, vindictive, and scathing when we decided we were ‘gonna pay them back.' Then we saw the Other Laundry List and found further self-identification. Along with being victims long ago, many of us were angry, frustrated children who learned how to hurt others. And hurt them we did, for many, many years.
Having promised ourselves as children that we would never be like our parents, we stood now as adults with their same behaviors.
But in ACA we soon found we were not alone in this paradox. In our meetings we sat together, each of us victims and victimizers; we lifted our heads, removed our shame, and understood we could not have turned out any other way. We started recovering with our new ACA family.
On this day, if I feel like striking out, I will take a time-out so I can take a "time-in." I will focus inward, reflect and talk about it with a fellow traveler.
"I decided the only way to overcome this self sabotage was to integrate my critical parent into my recovery process." BRB p. 207
We tried to ignore our critical inner parent - that compilation of the voices we heard as children and were used to hearing in our heads. If it was too strong to ignore, we tried to fight it, but it always seemed to find a way to win.
In ACA, we learn to uncover why this critic has had such a strong hold on us. By acknowledging the trauma that's behind the voices, we understand and gradually learn to substitute new behaviors so we can silence this tyrant in our heads.
This gives us freedom as we bring new light into our lives in little ways. We begin to trust ourselves, others, and our Higher Power. We have healthier relationships as we find ourselves attracted to the strengths and depth in people who can hold our feelings safely rather than trying to shut us down.
We let go of the dysfunctional people. While they may have taught us the lessons we needed to learn, we know that staying is toxic. In doing so, we feel no shame or remorse; it is time to move on. We are open to the next adventure.
On this day I will be aware of my attempts at self-sabotage because I believe in the promise of the growth ahead of me. I will use my lifeline - the support system that ACA gives me.
"I am more aware of how I overstep my boundaries, and how I try to force things to work the way I want them to work." BRB p. 414
We were vulnerable as children in dysfunctional homes. We experienced no one who was able to set healthy boundaries and maintain them.
In ACA we learn to see the importance of boundaries by practicing the Steps and by identifying and working on our character defects. We learn to recognize boundaries that have been crossed, including when we do it to others. We feel free when we set new boundaries. Progress happens, one day at a time.
The ACA program also helps us recognize manipulative behaviors, which is usually a companion for those with boundary issues. If we're the manipulator, we begin to see that our attempts to change others will eventually fail; in the meantime, they'll only complicate things. As we grow stronger, understanding boundaries places everything in perspective.
To help us stay focused, we look to Step Ten, "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it." It allows us to inventory our thoughts and actions on a regular basis. This keeps our impulsive natures in check so we recognize boundaries in everyday life.
On this day, as my identity and values become more clear, I will work to become consistent in setting my own boundaries and honoring the boundaries other people set.
"There are, as well, ways to describe the manifestation of two therapeutic ideals: no excess tension in the body and a neutral reaction to symbolic associations and mental representations of trauma." BRB p. 622
Many of us thought there was no way out, that the process would go on and on like some weird torture game. We had no goals because we thought we didn't deserve them. Helping others achieve their goals felt good, but it was not something that we could do on our own. We didn't want that responsibility. It was safer to just stay small, not have any dreams or needs.
We learn in ACA that living in our bodies is a vital part of recovery. We seek ways to relieve excess body tension, perhaps by using trigger point massage in combination with yoga. We discover that we are carrying a lot of trauma in our very muscles that needs a way to work itself out. We collect the experiences of others, both in and out of the program, and we learn through reading the right material.
We worked the Steps so that we would no longer be mentally triggered by the same things repeatedly. We now seek that same relief for our bodies.
On this day I will be conscious of my physical tension and where I carry it in my body. Acknowledging this connection to my trauma is a way of beginning my journey towards complete recovery.
"More and more people are identifying as grandchildren of alcoholics. Technically, these ‘GCoAs' are ACAs. They were raised by parents who passed on the disease of family dysfunction without having alcohol in the home." BRB p. 56, footnote
Some of us have wandered through life wondering why we had so many problems. Our childhoods were not filled with alcoholism or addiction. And yet, there was a dark cloud over our homes. We couldn't talk openly; we couldn't be ourselves. There was a lot of confusing behavior. We received punishments that didn't make sense. We had to watch out for ourselves. Sometimes our parents were available, but often they were full of rage or confusion, or they seemed to mentally "check out."
The first time we heard the Laundry List in a meeting, we related to many of the characteristics even though no one drank or used drugs at home. We felt the need to be there. We heard others share and realized that ACA embraces all of us, simply because we walked in the door.
Working Step One gave us an opportunity to draw a family tree. We soon saw the connection: alcoholism and addiction in past generations. The disease of family dysfunction was like a legacy. This helped us stop wondering if we belonged so we could focus on recovering.
On this day, even if I can't pinpoint where there might have been addiction in my family, I know I belong in this program. I will use all the tools available to me to recover from my family's not-so-unique dysfunction.
"We must find a way to surrender and to become teachable." BRB p. 156
At each meeting, we see ourselves in the ACA Problem as it is read aloud. We identify with the Traits and know the pain they have wrought. We hear the Solution and want to see it working in our lives. We took the difficult step of walking through the door into our first meeting, and gathered the courage to return again and again.
In order to recover we must trust in the process by admitting that we cannot heal alone. By listening to our brothers and sisters in ACA, we learn something new and realize we do not have all of the answers. We can know the Problem and Solution in our heads, but without help, many of us will have great difficulty knowing it in our hearts, where it truly matters.
We learn to let down the walls of isolation we have so carefully constructed and allow ourselves a measure of vulnerability in order to work the Steps. We surrender our old ways of being and trust that our Higher Power is leading us to greater levels of growth.
On this day I practice trust by surrendering to the recovery process. I open my heart and thereby open myself to healing.
"We have ‘stuffed' our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial)." BRB p. 17
If we came to ACA from another program and were familiar with Step work, we may have felt we had covered all of this ground before. We knew how to speak "program talk," and our lives were already better, right? So why were these people in ACA not focusing on the Solution? What's with all the complaining?
In ACA, we don't hide from the pain anymore. To others this may sound like complaining, but we know that's not what it is. We are locating our pain so we can heal. We allow our Inner Children to come out of hiding and flourish. First they may be angry and sad and need comforting. Then they become our best friends and companions in our Step work. We find new vitality as we see where this partnership leads us.
Our lives become the greatest adventure there is, totally unique. We learn more about ourselves each day by integrating the past into our present and seeing that we are no longer stuck. When we visit old neighborhoods of feeling, we are no longer parched and starving for attention. We nourish ourselves with the love and support of our Higher Power, the Twelve Steps, meetings, and fellowship.
On this day I will chip away at the years of denial by being willing to be present for whatever feelings come up in my day
"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." BRB p. 235
Amends can be scary. It's hard having to admit we are wrong or that we did something to harm another. We learn that our first amends are to ourselves. But we also must make decisions about when amends to others will harm ourselves or others, or when we're avoiding personal responsibility due to pride.
As we recover in ACA, we learn to trust our instincts. But we also need to be sure that the fear we bring from childhood doesn't get pulled into the mix inappropriately. We're adults, and most amends situations we face will put us in very little danger of being physically harmed as we were in childhood. So it's the emotional part we're worried about, whether we can handle what comes back at us. And even though we may not realize it right away, that eventually starts to make the decision of whether or not to make amends easier.
After we talk it through with our sponsor and others we trust, we'll know whether the amends are appropriate; if so, we'll decide whether we're strong enough to make them. If not, then we'll wait until we are.
It's about keeping our slates clean.
On this day I will make amends to myself first. Then I will prepare for my necessary amends to others, which I will do if, and when, I'm ready.
"Our search for our grief/loss can begin by asking this question: ‘What did I receive from my dysfunctional family and what would I have received from loving parents in the same situation?' " BRB p. 204
We grew up with expectations of normal, supportive behavior, but our expectations were not met. This spawned a grieving process. We didn't realize that previous generations were grieving too, which helps explain, but doesn't excuse their dysfunctional behavior. We often say our parents did the best they could with what they had. Unfortunately, what they had was too often not nearly enough, just as what they had received was not enough.
Unprocessed grief from our childhoods and our ancestors' childhoods can put us in a perpetual state of mourning. The generational nature of this is called "complicated grief." This grief can hold us hostage, undermine our ability to function well, and adversely complicate relationships. It can contribute to medical problems, because grief has friends called shame, sadness, depression, and insecurity - a great prescription for being unhealthy.
In ACA, we uncover the roots of our grief, recognize what we didn't receive as children, and see how we learned to react as a result. ACA teaches us how to stop the grief cycle and become our own loving parents. We do the work for ourselves before we can help future generations have less baggage to carry forward.
On this day I recognize the immense grief I carry. I know I can work through it and change my life, giving myself what I didn't get as a child. I reparent myself using the tools of ACA recovery.
"We learn to reparent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect." BRB p. 590
We may have grown up thinking that some people just knew how to love better than others. Perhaps we marveled at someone famous who seemed to have a deep, meaningful relationship with his or her romantic partner.
In meetings when we hear our truths being sung in another's voice, it affirms that we are not freaks; we are human beings no better or worse than the person sitting next to us. And as human beings, we can reparent the part of us that was cast aside. We aren't "finished products." We can give and take this confusing thing called love.
What we hear in others' voices and see in their eyes is that we have value. The "music" we are making together has meaning. It reaffirms our worth to recognize that we are not alone when we "sing" to each other. Our song, while it is ours and has parts to it that are ours alone, is not foreign to other ACAs.
The singing of truth at meetings is actually an expression of love for each other. What we can learn to feel, we can also share with our Inner Child.
On this day I will teach my Inner Child to sing to me the truth without fear, and to trust that real love takes commitment.
"Many adult children find ACA and begin recovery. A few seem to do well only to act out in addictions such as drugs, alcohol, food, gambling or compulsive spending." BRB p. 69
When we started attending ACA meetings, we may have heard words that triggered pain and confusion and hope, a baffling mix of emotions. After living a numbedout life for so long, this new chaos inside felt threatening to many of us.
It may have been hard for us to listen to others speak; the pain it provoked seemed too much to bear. Soon, perhaps we couldn't find time for meetings. Maybe we turned to an old "friend" like alcohol, food, drugs, TV or another numbing behavior to quiet the stirred-up thoughts and feelings. But something had changed: "using" didn't feel the same because we now knew there was a better way.
Confused and alone, we returned to a meeting. We admitted we were having trouble just sitting still and listening because we were feeling so much, and feeling was scary. Our friends told us we were not alone, and that sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. They promised that if we kept coming back, sharing, listening, and working the program, it would get better.
They were right! With our Higher Power to guide us, we find "inside" answers when we begin to trust ourselves and our inner loving parent. We finally learn to comfort our Inner Child.
On this day if things get difficult, I will sit down, breathe, and reach for the strength and wisdom of the program. I will remember I am not alone.
"Our group members celebrate our growth and recovery with us." BRB p. 404
Our critical inner parent can whisper to us all day long, repeating the messages we heard as children from our parents, teachers, and other authority figures from our formative years. Sometimes we may not even hear the messages as thoughts; instead we just feel bad about ourselves off and on all day.
But in recovery, as we become aware of the influence this critical voice has over us, and by acknowledging the harm it is causing, we start to replace the negative messages with positive ones. We affirm ourselves for our willingness to change.
Since the ACA program requires courage, stamina, and perseverance, it can be very rejuvenating to celebrate our successes and reward ourselves for the progress we make. Sometimes after a rough day, simply making it to a meeting deserves a hug of congratulations. Or after working through a Step Four exercise, our reward might be calling a fellow traveler to receive affirmation as we talk about what we learned about ourselves.
On this day I will acknowledge the recovery actions I take by celebrating my progress with my fellow travelers who support and value me.