Hello, I'm checking in for the first time.

Last night my wife discovered I have been Visiting chat rooms and cybering with another girl on Skype. In recent months I have relapsed and have found myself busting porn site more and more frequently, as I did in my early 20s.

And like that time it lead to chat rooms and cybering, but this time it's happened when I am in a serious relationship and happy.

I had myself convinced what I was doing was wrong but not cheating but after seeing the devastation it has caused my wife I see how bad what I've done is.

I am desperate to make things right. My wife and our relationship means everything to me, I can't believe I've let myself treat her so poorly. I know there is no easy fix, and I may have very much ruined the best thing that has ever happened me. But I need to seek help I want to never be on the isotope again where I am wanting to seek out random girls on the Internet to cyber. I don't know if it's possible but I want it to be so bad.

I don't know if I' doing this right but I intend being 100% honest here and use it as a diary to make sure I'm on the right path, one which will lead me to a place where my wife and I can be happy together again.

There are a number of reasons why I feel I've gone down this bad path I've been on, but I have no excuses what I did was terrible.

My wife is unsure if she can trust me again. I hope I can earn it back

Checking in.

Welcome Shane.

Shane, whenever I remind myself that I don't know that I don't know, there is no need for the self-hatred or damaging condemnation my illness provides my thought process, after it has convinced me that doing what it is condemning me for, was it's best advice before I started doing it.

Basically what I am saying is if you are a real sex addict you are dealing with an illness that will use things like negative thinking, delusion, denial, and unattainable levels of achievement to get you angry, then you'll need release, and then the cycle of damnation and self-hatred is in full force.

You were right with the honestly thing, honesty has been the best tool I've used when dealing with sexual addiction. Honesty, mixed with discipline, an open mind, a relationship with a power greater than myself, the willingness to change, and the drive to be unselfish, has allowed me to tame my "inner beast", and I am becoming passive and loving in areas where I used to not handle very well.

Commit to checking in daily, it will help, if anything it will help with a sense of commitment, and then you can utilize that reward of committing to you relationship, and you'll understand how powerful thinking of others can be and will be in terms of peace and understanding.

Checking in Pt. 2

Yesterday was a tough day. The good news is I identified that my diet was torturing me, and modifying it changed my digestion process shortly.

That pain, that gut pain, was giving me a reason to act out, I needed relief (selfishly), and that was creating irrational fear, fear that being selfish will make me less cool. Then I went through the day, admitted that I am as stupid as they come, and really don't know that I don't know, but will argue that I know everything, and then I just gave up.

I gave up thinking like I usually do, and then reality showed it's presence, and I was depressed by how much I dislike and in fact hate reality. Then little things started to irritate me into a feeling of being trapped that was overwhelming. All the "important" people I serve at my job, I realized I am not wrong at all if I am trying to help them and they don't appreciate it. Usually when I am trying to help someone and they are unappreciative, I react "harmed" and then they take notice, and things get better, they change, so playing it off like people aren't harming me with their "importance" isn't working, and it is that dumb alpha male "let's all ignore our feelings" bullshit that is really irking me.

Being treated like I am second class, is really engineering a subtle but steady sense of vengeance and will to destroy. Maniacs and "crazy people" don't just wake up one day and say "I'll think I'll be crazy today." It usually is a string of "important people" treating them like shit, until one day they start asking themselves what right do the "important people" have to treat me this way? Well the right answer is the "important people" thinking they are allowed to do so, then the "crazed" person gets automatic weapons and shows the important people, they weren't that important.

The abused becomes the abuser, and I'm tired of "important people" who can't get their shit together treating me like a second class citizen. However tired I may be though, it is reality that people will continue to do so, so the real problem is the resentment and fear that society will not like me. After knowing that I don't know though, I see that society is just a base of wanderings not sure what it wants to do, a poor judge of others, so I am investing way too much care and concern for something that really doesn't care or have concern for me or how I feel.

I need to stop looking at society as my model for improving, in fact I need to start viewing society as the model of what not to do if I want to be happy, and realizing the "important" people in society should be dealt with as little as possible. They disgust me and are the reason why Americans suck to the international community when analyzed.

This is all great assessment and the "important" people are a constant example of whom not to be, I have had society being the teacher and society is saying "be important so you can pay me and help me be greater", no thanks society, you're a poor god, and you're judgment is similar to sewage, crap all a bound, so I silently without saying it to your pathetic face, belt out fuck you and all you stand for, you make like way more difficult than necessary, and you can go climb up a tall tree and wait there till I come to feed you, which I will not, so I hope you starve to death, and then fall from the tree, so I can come and kick your dead corpse, and tell everyone around, "this is what happens to pieces of shit who think they are more important than others."

I think it is safe to say I am not doing well.

Have a great weekend.

Checking in.

I have seen around 5 or 6 new people post in the last couple of days and this is so encouraging. I am not even concerned with myself, I am more concerned with reading their stories.

How am I doing? Exhausted, irritated, always feeling controlled and like I have no rights, frustrated, and confused.

I am certain a loving creator who knows all doesn't need or want me to be experiencing six factors.

How can I be less exhausted? Well my exhaustion is coming from healthy and helpful activities, for others as long as myself, so although irritating, and equally confusing, it isn't completely negative. As far as having no rights, I am irritated by my bosses demands, my sponsor's directives, my co-workers greed and their self-prescribed rights in where they think I can take losses so they can have gains, and other things my ego is persuading me to focus on instead of recovering.

There is a component of gratefulness and asking for help from God that is missing, I can clearly see that. My boss is a great boss who only wants the best for me and wants the business to do better, my sponsor is a loving sponsor who has done so much already, and my resistance to change has been birthing the directives, my co-workers are just afraid they won't be able to support themselves in an unstable industry income wise, and I can afford to give them more than my share here and there (actually in my right mind I am more than happy to allow them more), and my problem is I am not checking my ego enough, and the ego is becoming the "President" again.


Today I will work on the ego. I can do many things to tame the ego, I can check it regularly throughout the day, see what it is saying, wanting me to do, identify it's purpose, which usually is just complaining. I can do steps, steps naturally quiet the ego, disproving it's assumptions, and I can give myself a break, I am not a bad person because I am being tricked by my own ego, I am just a person trying to do the best he can, and that is a great start.

Have a nice day.

Checking in.

I am stuck, and I am stuck from a resentment, and it is a resentment that is driven by selfishness, I simply don't want to participate today.

This negativity, in which the resentment and the illness is taking the opportunity to distort my thinking, towards an agenda of ungratefulness, over blown proportions, and the "poor me's", I can avoid by ignoring and doing the right thing despite my strong feelings and desires not to.

Enormous self-pity occurring right now, showing me I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, and the fact remains that the possibility of this being the best day of my life is a reality.

My illness is using a stress filled day more than likely, as an opportunity to sneak in and make my perception of reality condemning and again, negative.

Here is a good opportunity for my recovery, the solution to the illness, to see the gratitude in life. What am I grateful for? Well today I will hear welcoming and unity providing Christmas music which by far is my favorite music, I will be provided the opportunity to make people's day better with my occupation, I have two recovery programs that make me treat anyone better and bring me closer to a loving awesome God, I have more money than I know what to do with, I have transportation, shelter, clothes, friends, communication, live in a great city, am aware of what to avoid, have grown so much in the last few years my confidence level is well above what I thought the plateau would be, and am alive.

It's funny how after all that I just proved to myself by writing was written, the illness no longer is feeling the need to persuade me I am in hell. The illness quite frankly Shut the Fuck Up, while I was writing all that truth, and the better news is if anyone is taking the time and is desperate enough to read what I supply everyday on this post, they now have a resource of what works, because I can say with certainty, just that one paragraph has completely changed things and my attitude just got much better.

Time to see if the others need help.

Checking in.

I am a compulsive sexual addict who has no willpower to stop the desire to act out. I act out because I like the zone it takes me into, and it helps me ignore and distance myself from reality. Once I get a hold on reality not always meant to be understood, an attitude to never give up and to always try to help, I understand things like acceptance, honesty, and willingness to not have my own agenda rooted in selfishness, fear, and resentment.

I have to be considerate of others, aware of my subtle greed and false need to have control and power, and most of all keep an open mind to the possibility that God isn't who I was taught he is, and a condemning or misunderstanding God is more like a devil than an almighty Father to me.

I have to watch out for things like exhaustion, other people's judgment not bearing too much weight on how I accept myself for who I am, and I found lots of genuine humor, the kind of humor that makes both the inside and outside world much easier and less threatening, to be very helpful.

I also have found it is not wise to pre-judge others, fall in line with public or social thought that is more gang mentality than individual virture, and I also can get wordy when spreading a message.

I am disappointed I don't have a larger support group to share recovery with or to ask help from, but I am putting myself in the position to receive the help when it comes, so I am doing my part by availing myself of any potential help, and mean while, God has given me a way to cope with life and understand my purpose more.

It is a great day to be alive, and a great day to appreciate anything that helps overall.

Have a great day.

Checking in.

I am starting to irritate my serenity from talking so much, daily, so today I think I can have an ideal of being more quiet and not being so intellectual. I think a mile a minute, every second of the day, it's a great tax, and a great burden, and can lead to resentment. It is a crap shoot, it can lead to great inspiration and great production, or it can lead to damaging resentment and illness.

I believe if I decrease it's output, and that includes spreading it, I will have more energy to think clearer in the future. In the SAA material I read a story today where the author said it wasn't necessary to "figure it all out", that resonated with my illness, and I have been trying to figure it all out.

It's very important for me to have energy and not be drained from resentment. If I resent things, and people, I will then have a greater need, false need, to control and manipulate others, with hopelessness, and a desire to be superior, with a selfish agenda, that to anyone with any sense is laughable.

Today I feel no pressure, I even have a quiz in one of my classes that I have not allowed to pressure me. I wouldn't call it ice water in the veins, but I would call it growth and understanding.

How am I doing with the envy, the jealousy, the greed, the inferiority? Well I have given all of those to the care, concern, and love of a higher power, far from what the "church" considered the highest power, and all have been dwarfed and tamed if you will.

Funny how following the "church's" higher power I became more vengeful, more greedy, more lustful, more jealous, more envious, more inferior, but it also is my bad for buying all that bullshit and having faith in clearly a man made agenda to control and earn money from a prophet's non-profit message. Just think how disrespectful that is to take a prophet's message, and twist it to control and earn from, when one of the ideals of the message was control and money to be the tool of the ungodly. The reason I say this is because someone on this thread or some other thread within this group indicated a strong dislike and/or probable hatred of "God", after I spoke of God much. Let it be known that I am not a fan of this Earth's "church" never did the prophet with the beard who was white and took a liking to whores say to enter into his Father's kingdom you must condemn the less fortunate, build a bunch of expensive and obnoxious buildings to gather in on Sunday, and to take all the money hard earned work receives. If fact he said to love those less fortunate, have church alone in your room, and to give all the money to the boss who created the money, because the boss made the money, God made a world that will function just fine without money. Man created the money, God created the man, that is money to God, man made his God money, so giving money to God is disrespectful in my opinion, like God needs money, a man made material that bears no weight on stopping a God made Tsunami or oxygen itself.

Well I am doing exactly what I said I didn't want to do today, and that is resent, and it is that important that I don't resent that I will stop, so I will do so. Even though I am dropping truth bombs left and right not to be fucked with, I will stop in the name of respect and mercy for God's children.

Guhzo,

I have been away for a spell to get some distance from this site and enjoy life for a change. It was great, I got to hang out with awesome folks, went to a wedding and reconnected with someone whom I had not seen in a while. Why am I sharing this with you? I feel it is important to do so to show what happens after 5 years of sobriety. Results may vary but it is something to work towards.

For the first time in my life I attended an event with people I knew looking forward to hanging out with them. Granted, at first, the old dialogue attempted to start and try to make me feel inadequate but I decided (pay attention to that word) not to allow it to determine my outcome and as a result I had a great time

Now, I have a few questions for you not for you to answer me but for you to think about.

1) You keep saying that you are a compulsive sex addict who lacks the willpower to stop acting out because a part of you enjoys it or so I understood from another post. This puzzles me yet it does not suprise me as man is the only animal who enjoys injuring himself and others but I digress, the question is this: You speak of it as an illness, so let us go with that, if this illness were, say a deadly infection which by all intents and purposes it is, would you not go to a doctor and see if you could get it eradicated? Or would you get it taken care of and keep reinfecting yourself every time, say you get frustrated?

2) You say that you are stuck in resentment and an unhealthy dose of negative emotions which in turn fuels the acting out desire but do you also not realize it is your own addicted self making enemies for you to keep you enslaved? I am not saying the world is full of angels but I think it is crazy making to actually talk ourselves into having more enemies or even go out of our way looking for them.

My point is simple, the way out of a vicious cycle is radical change, letting go of any strongholds that are keeping us enslaved and the most important, we cannot expect God to do miracles in our lives if we keep behaving in our usual unhealthy ways, just as we cannot put new wine in old wine skins.

Yes, it is hard work, you do not have to tell me but every day that we do not go back to our old ways, it is a day of freedom. So long as we tell ourselves how sick we are, how hard life is and my favorite, how our problems are bigger than a mountain, our lives cannot and will not change.

I heard it say as folllows, Do not tell God how big your problems are, tell your problems, how huge your God is.

Again. I will ask you: Am I the only one who knows you can heal from this or are you willing to prove me right?

Wolf (5 years sober)

Checking in.

First Wolf I want to encourage you to share your personal experience with me and others who are lurking on this post possibly too afraid or unsure if they want to participate. One thing I've noticed about the elders in my alcohol and drug abuse recovery is when they share their experience with me not only do they experience more spirituality, they find much relief in knowing they are helping and that they have someone who will listen to them, even though you have much more sober time than me sexually, I just want to say you can always share anything you want to or need to with me.

Secondly, all great questions, and I will at your request not respond directly and think about them. Great questions though.

I have something to share as well. For the first time I many years, yesterday I had a complete day to just relax and pick what I wanted to do without any demands or pressure. I choose to tidy up my living space, watch porn, sleep, clean, read sports articles, read world news, watch basketball, and then choose to look at more porn, then sleep.

Looking at the porn was clearly the poorest of the choices, but my point is it felt very good to not have any pressure or demands from life, and in the morning, due to the rest and the removal of stress, I felt no need to comfort pain or escape reality by acting out!

It is clear to me that I am acting out to numb pain and frustration from a hatred of reality. The hatred is the problem, not so much the reality, the anger is the problem, not so much the reality to be angry at. When I look at it clearly, reality has some positive qualities and happenings not to be ignored. For instance reality has Christmas music on 24/7 and that is a great reality for me. I know that is just a personal example, but the lie that all reality sucks is just that, a lie. Eating great food is a reality, knowing God better is a reality, hearing what Wolf says and growing from it is a reality, so it is a lie that I cannot or don't like to deal in reality.

I can see how the illness and addiction is taking control of my mental decision making, and leading me in the direction of problem, rather than solution.

Today during my meditation in the morning a quiet voice told me to "work" in terms of do some inner work on getting rid of the negative concepts and thoughts and work to see who I really am on the inside. Right now my negativity is blocking the real me, the real me who people very much enjoy if not sick and distorted.

Very grateful for recovery today, have a great day.

Checking in.

I am in a terrible mood. Stress, very stressed today. I get stressed when I have to spend the day with my family. I forget that it is an opportunity to amend the broken relationship. They can be condemning at times, and I am still functioning from a stand point that they hurt me from giving up on me. This is an ego thing, they are human, and make their own decisions, today is a new day, I am there to not be a problem and to help as much as possible.

I think this terrible mood is a lack of being grateful and thankful. I don't think it is a coincidence that it is Thanksgiving and I am not thankful. That is a problem, and I have many things to be thankful for, for one, I am not in a rehab this holiday, I was in a rehab last holiday sharing Thanksgiving with rude urban authorities and criminals, not to mention mentally defunct personalities, and abrasive attitudes, not able to leave the property, confined, fed state agenda bullshit profiting off recovery. Today I will be able to drive freely in a car in my hometown, purchase anything my little heart desires, don't have to play the game of acting like I like anyone I don't, I get to watch football in front of a nice tv, in a nice house, with people who love me, with great food, in a great Country, in a peaceful nation, so my disease is hammering me with lies, and self-pity, and resentment.

Do you think it has anything to do with me hating myself for again being compulsive and watching dark sexual fantasy being role played last night, to find some relief from another resentment?

I thought it did, because I was barely able to do anything this morning pre-shower and grooming, but after I was done I clearly saw that I was just pissed I had to wake up at the same time I do always and then attend to my personal hygiene on a holiday.

I had a major confession and break through yesterday afternoon in where I see that I still am harboring an incredible amount of guilt from an event that happened in high school. The negativity of that event, one in where I was afraid a person of the opposite sex would find out I was a sex addict and hate me, so I turned to drugs and ignored her completely, harming both myself and herself, is still a presence in every interaction I have with women. I take guilt into every interaction with women, every time I interact with a woman guilt has some sort of decision making power. Therefore it is necessary to continue to ask God for support in my actions of removing guilt. Looking at porn that many consider wrong, even though fantasy and role play, won't provide opportunity not to experience guilt. Even if it is irrational guilt or unjustified guilt, my mind isn't capable of distinguishing reality from non-reality on average, and real or fake, guilt is guilt as an inception for me. I wish I were more powerful in where I could distinguish the necessary guilt or warranted guilt from the not necessary and not warranted guilt, however I have a poor support system in this area of my life, and if my own mind is my director, I will give myself rationalized and self-approving advice.

I may not be entitled to own every piece of ass in the world, but I might be entitled to beginning the day off wrong, with a bad attitude here and there, because I have a routine that naturally defeats the attitude and the entitlement, if I put in the work and continue the dedication, and now I feel better.

I noticed someone posted a lot so I'm going to see what they said, it's a new person.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Guhzo,

You know? When I was in my addicted cycle, I would wake up in a horrible mood because the night before I either would have indulged or was not looking forward to any event that was taking place during the day.

One thing I decided to do (notice I use that word again) after I recovered was not to do anything I was required to do by society, chief among them visit family I did not care to see on the holidays.

So what am I doing today on Thanksgiving? Being grateful that I am loved by God as I am warts and all, send e cards to those family members I do treasure but are either in another country or simply out of state, play with Jack, a cat I rescued and who is spending his first holiday out of a cold cage, watching movies and I am making myself a holiday meal exactly as I want it.

The point is this, I keep saying it but it is worth repeating: Perpetuating the addictive cycle is crazy making. We cannot heal if we keep infecting ourselves with the same virus that brought it on in the first place.

The analogy I have for your particular case is this: It would be akin to having acquired herpes and then because of some resentment, we decided to go out and have unprotected sex with someone with HIV. Isn't there a point when we say, hey maybe this is not helping, I keep hitting my head against the wall but whatta ya knowed? I am getting a thrill out of it? What the fridge?

I know that all too well, it was insanity as it worst, there I was feeling horrible but going back to feel even worse. Why? For me it was that I thought it was not that that was causing my horrid mood until I stopped altogether and after about 60 some days I started feeling better, yeah 60 days of no masturbation/iporn ritual can drive you crazy but it is a different kind of crazy, this crazy state was withdrawal that was to eventually lead me to something better not the indulgence ritual that would lead me to something much worse.

And yes, the addiction led me to believe that not only I could have anyone I wanted but I had that right, after all I was horny 24/7 so, you know, someone had better relieve me, right? There were times, I propositioned them but got turned down sure it annoyed me but in hindsight who on Earth would want to be intimate with someone who did not care one iota about them? So after getting turned down (noticed I did not say rejected) I went back to porn because there I could have it any time I wanted and when I say any time I mean any time and I was there lots of times, for 30 years I did this, day in and day out. Pathetic, uh? You bet!

So what am I saying this? Because I would like you to wake the heck up and smell the proverbial coffee to realize that what you are doing right not, it is not living, it is existing and not even that, to be honest. Porn literally sucked the life out of me, I could not enjoy anything at all, not even a fresh cup of coffee because my mind and body only wanted to indulge, even when I could not physically do it anymore, talk about pathetic.

So now 5 years after, I can tell you that I now enjoy that fresh cup of coffee, I relish having Jack on my chest purring and I get a high from it, I go out and hear the birds and see the fall leaves on the tress and marvel at their amazing colors. It sounds idiotic right now, it did to me when I was in the throes of the addictive cycle.

But know this: The addiction has you believe that you have no choice but to keep indulging, I am here to tell you that you do have a choice and you always had it. So for the love of God: Choose wisely.

Lastly I will leave you with this, I learned after I recovered and started to live the sober life: Every time I indulged I would push God aside and pretty much made porn my god. Is there any question as to why I lasted 30 years addicted? If I had done it the other way which I eventually ended up doing, God saw to it that not only I would be healed from it but never go back to the addiction. It goes back to choices: I chose porn and left 30 years addicted. Then in a moment of reason (truth be told it was more like a nano second) I chose God ad look where I am now, telling you how I have been able to be sober for 5 years.

Anyone else who is reading this, I hope you can get something out of it, at the very least, a testament that there is a way out and the only way out is to stop altogether and choose a healthy life.

Happy Thanksgiving to all,
Wolf (5 years sober)

Checking in.

Wolf very spiritual and very inspirational with that last post, I can tell the passion of seeing others recover was at play there, thank you.

I like the STD example, I liked the "not living" statements, I liked the coffee reference, I rarely experience any of those things because yes I am constantly either fighting sexual thoughts or images, or hating myself for "being naughty."

At least I got some humor out of the "naughty" description, but seriously it is becoming old, and I, after thinking it more mature to be a "student of sex", now am thinking I really missed the mark and could have used all the time I spent focusing on others having sex as entertainment, to build a better life.

I did notice the words decided, choices, turned down, and yes I agree being turned down is completely different from rejection. Being turned down is someone saying "no thanks" being rejected is someone saying "I hate you and get the hell away from me too." Right now the American psyche of leadership or wanna be leaders is "rejecting" muslims, just like Adolf Hitler's Nazi regime, completely different from saying to Argentina "no thank you we don't need your oil."

My point is I seem to not have much resentment towards those who have turned me down in the past, but resentment accrues daily for anyone who has rejected me. I see that my decisions, unlike people born into the muslim faith, were the reason for the rejection though, or at least I am considering it.

Yesterday I was using my energy to learn more about what was going on in the compass considered the state and federal representations. It was a great experience, then I stopped and said "bed time" which really meant "porn time", and found myself looking at interracial porn that I knew would piss off white males who hate muslims. To see there offspring doing unGodly things with sketchy characters really is a great utilization of how they've rejected me for various reasons due to their own discretion and decision making powers. The ironic thing is I am half white male, but even more important I am not even considering how the woman is feeling. All those women I saw last night doing unGodly things with sketchy individuals who clearly all are sexually addicted in one form or fashion, I consider to be objects, there to be used, not right.

Then that grew to "screw those guys, those white males allowing blacks to be shot without consequence by police officers, and whom are aiming to take us towards the likeness of Nazi Germany, I want to fuck all of their wives!"

So then I started searching and remembering some porn scenes where trophy wives were overpowered and dominated, submitting to loving it all, and then I said with satisfaction, "that will show those bastards", after I was done.

I admit this is a serious problem and a testament to my judgment and problem solving ability. I think practically non-existent when it comes to problem solving ability is fitting, and I think completely wrong is the best answer when describing my judgement. All of this leads to an attitude and interpretation that I will be eternally damned for my actions and thoughts, making things worse than if I were to just give the white males free reign to keep taking us towards Nazi Germany, but I am missing key ingredients.

The first ingredient is my hatred of white males is completely racist. I am the Nazi taking myself towards Nazi Germany! I am trying to pass the buck and blame white males, literally being 50% white male, and me having a problem with anyone, including myself for being white, then assuming that whiteness makes them inclined to Nazi-ism, couldn't be more racist, I am a fucking racist, a bi-racial racist, what an oxymoron, and it plays a large role in my porn addiction.

The reason I am saying all of this is I am afraid it will continue to make me cancerous if contained on the inside, and it is feeling great to admit it, even though it is inconsiderate, stings, not nice to read, and bottom line brutal. If you are reading this and you are hurt by my inconsideration, stung, angry at my rudeness, and are sick of my brutality, please know that now I know, and no longer will the excuse of being the same be valid, so please hold me accountable and advise me to admit my wrong if I am inconsiderate, stinging you, rude, or brutal from here on out.

Not knowing is one thing, but if I am admitting it with honesty, that takes away excuse, and if I continue to do it, that just means I have an agenda to just be plain evil, and I can assure you my deepest of all agendas is not to be evil. I might habitually default to evil, like Old Testament humble all evil, but it is not my ideal anymore, I don't want to be this massive problem anymore, I just want to be a normal guy who nobody completely hates, even a slight bit of complete hatred, I really just want to inspire, be quiet, love, and help.

This illness wants me to be the man, a star, a genius, admired, and hard to not notice, all for a selfish desire to show people how important I am, particularly women so I can dominate and own them sexually, and that couldn't be any more wrong, I am wrong, and wrong for others.

From what Wolf tells me though, I might not be able to choose when compulsively driven to act out, but I can choose to want to not be owned by ego and sexual compulsion, I guess what Wolf is saying is I can choose and decide not to be the bad guy. I thought I didn't have a choice!

You mean to tell me I have a choice to be good or not? I never really ever fully considered or thought that was possible. I always just accepted that I was the bad guy and the dark one to be avoided. A lot of this has to do with this Countries tolerance of racism, and that is the truth, someone had to teach me I was bad for being darker, and it certainly wasn't other dark people because they seemed just as baffled as me when they were treated differently for no reason.

All of this has to do with me wanting to own and dominate women, especially the men's "women" who wronged me with injustice. Not a very healthy way to do business, and the hatred shot at them doesn't make the situation better, so if choice is going to be a power going forward, I am going to choose the bygone being bygones approach, and I am going to do some humility requiring prayer for me to understand the white man's struggle, and the white man's purposes for telling us all we were wrong for being dark.

This business of retaliation and hating white men and utilizing a weapon of owning and fucking "their" women is not working, even if it is just existing in fantasy. The funny thing is my actions tell others, particularly white men I appreciate what they do greatly, it is just my thoughts and my mind that tell me all this crap I have just explained to you all.

My actions will continue to love all, thank you for being patient with my thoughts though, my prayer is in due time I bother no one with this non-sense in the future.

I had to play the race card and bring the issue up because it is that much of a divider of America to be ignored further, I am putting my foot down at ignoring this shit and letting it just sit in the equation and reek, being the elephant in the room while everyone stupidly ignores it's cancerous tendencies for the greatest society to ever be birthed! Great societies like the United States of American don't tolerate cancerous issues of division, and if you are tolerating it you are a cancer, and a problem.

Have a great day, I will step off the soap box now.

Guhzo,

After reading your last post, I was reminded of the myriad of excuses I would use to act out. One of my favorites was that I would watch porn I thought (notice I did not say I knew because quite frankly just because a few detested certain porn did not mean it was gospel, so to speak) would annoy my boss whom I detested, for myriads of reasons among them his constant sexist and homophobic remarks.

I am actually half Russian and half Latino and I had always been viewed as either a closet communist or a lazy Latino who would rather take siesta (I am not Mexican, by the way) than work. Anyway, while these things in themselves did not fuel my addiction, the unresolved emotions stemming from the discrimination were a contributing factor to keeping me enslaved.

Let me give you a typical day for me (mind you, I do not think anyone on this forum would dare to share this because while it is shameful to admit, it may help addicts know they are not alone in that experience) so here you go:

I would wake up, say on a weekend at 7 am , have my coffee and then turn on my computer to indulge until say 10 am, then take a break, go food shopping and come back and do it again. Then lunch, then do it again until say 3 pm if I was lucky, sometimes I would stop at 6 pm. Why? Ah! I was too busy looking for that perfect scene, see that? I wasted good hours that could have been spent doing something far more productive, instead, I chose (yes, there is that word again) to listen to my addicted mind. There you have it and that is not counting the weekdays where I would go to the sex shops to the peep shows on my way home, I guess you already know what I will be doing after I got home from work.

It is true that I did not neglect my cats because the addicted mind could not override my strong sense of responsibility towards others and my job. This was one of those things that kept me in denial because it had not truly overtaking my entire life or so I thought.

It was not until I started to recover where after I was made to recall my addictive cycle that I actually realized just how much porn had been taking over my life and my mind. It was eye opening and it actually was a huge factor in my desire to get this idiotic addiction once and for all.

But to answer your question, though you did not ask it. Why be good? Well, the answer is that it makes life so much easier, it really does. When I started to stop negative thinking, I noticed that my days were less heavy, my heart felt lighter and though it took a long time to stop going negative as a knee jerk reaction, it also felt better not to react all the time. Of course, it goes without saying that my profanity diet was instrumental in stopping the negativity.

Being good for me means not to be negative, being kind, mindful of others and most of all connected to God at all times and experiencing that connection. By good I mean, being healthy, eating healthy and living a healthy life.

It does not mean to be doormat, it simply means that I am assertive, as you have noticed but not abusive. It means that I have no enemies because I do not think of anyone as such, and as a result, my life is less stressful because I defend nothing because I have nothing to defend since I know who I am but it does not mean that if I see a wrong I will not speak out. Quite the contrary but I will do i, addressing the wrong not attacking the person.

Lastly, you know? There is a world out there that does not get along and there are plenty of folks who think in this "Us vs them" crap, there is plenty to be mad about but for me, i do not care to see that, not because it is unpleasant but because these are things I cannot control, so I choose (again that word) to improve my little corner of the world by being kind and thoughtful. By being, period. As Wayne Dyer said, we are human beings not humans doing, yet we keep doing instead of being.

So I choose to be love, why? Because it is easier and far more rewarding on so many levels. It does not mean that tough love is not in the cards, it simply means that I stopped reacting and I started to be mindful of others and then act accordingly

Have a great day,
Wolf (5 years sober)

Checking in.

No more Kim, no more Inner, I think there was a shane guy who checked in once, Wolf probably doesn't have the time to read the wordy disclosures.

Great substance for my illness to say "give up!"

I check in because it provides the avenue to attempt honesty. I just found out last night, acting out, that I still have major feelings for a woman I dated 12 years ago. Strong sexual feelings, feelings like she is my object to give to others, I was imagining her being sexual with many strangers who dominated her last night.

Yesterday I addressed the reason for watching interracial porn, and it was based in racism. This fantasy is rooted in the belief that my ex-girlfriend is a whore, a sex addict like me, and she needs sex just to feel alright. Of course in my fantasy, it wouldn't have been possible for me to not get pleasure out of guys having their way with her and she enjoying it disturbingly. It would be part of the process for me to say "ok guys, have fun, I've got to go run errands", then come home later and say "honey did you have fun?" No it would be masturbating to the whole event, getting my own pleasure of rebellion and anarchy out of it. I also have seen that I act out sexually and have constructed such perverted and sick beliefs concerning sex because of a still existent hatred of the Christian and Catholic God. I have already done the work to accept that it is alright for myself to consider that entity a myth and out dated, however the conditioning the exterior society and community imposed on me must have stuck and cemented itself.

The honest truth is the woman I still have sexual feelings for, or really want to use to satisfy my own sexual feelings of frustration and impatience, would without a doubt accept an invitation to be sexually used in a group scenario especially if married to an inadequate provider of sexual satisfaction like myself. I think that is why I still love her, because I knew all along she was a sex addict, but now I see that took away from her potential to be a real leader. I hope she got a handle on it, she had the qualities to be a real leader to be respected, and it would be a tragedy to think she still tortured by sexual compulsion and obsession like I.

So yesterday, like I said I was going to do, I went out of my way to have an interpretation of understanding and respect for white males I perceived to dominate me socially and financially. Let me tell you it created a bond and experience of true inspiration, I am so glad I humbled myself and told all that ugly truth inside of me, it is very embarrassing to admit these things to strangers on a website, but I feel like now I can choose to not let race be a dominant decision making provider when trying to comprehend others. Actually I am seeing their race as something that makes them more human and also the way God wants it to be.

I forget, because I am so ego driven, that God has a way he wants it to be, and it is a direct contradiction of natural fundamental for me to not accept that. God wants multiple races, and that is just the way it is. No need to accuse that of wrong or fight the fact that it will never change.

In relation to my fantasy and compulsion to see my former girlfriend have boundary less sex with strangers and dudes who dominate her, I am really confused why when asked frankly within myself. However I have tools, so let's just go over them real quick. I will use the eight character defects I watch out for daily. First is resentment. Do I have resentment against her? Yes. Why do I have resentment against her? She is a burden. Why is she a burden? She doesn't help the sexual compulsion situation. Why doesn't she help the sexual compulsion situation? She's a sex addict who will sleep with anyone her compulsion tells her to, she took my money than abandoned me, she made fun of me, demoted my self-esteem often, lied, accused me of not getting to know her, etc. She affected my social instinct, made my emotional security and financial security worse, and ruins my sex life every time I think of her. Where are the defects that provide all of this comprehension of her, where is my part? Well I was selfish because I would accept nothing less than a trophy wife whom I could enjoy sex with based on her physical looks only. I was selfish because I thought she was "mine", when clearly she was her own person and nobodies property. I was dishonest because I lied to make myself look better and to make her think I was marriage material. If I would have led with the truth she would have seen in a heartbeat I wasn't the one, so I manipulated her to think it was safe to have sex with me when it wasn't, and it wasn't safe to have sex with me because my manipulation was based on insecurity that knew once she gave herself to me, I would then have an edge of forcing her to stay. I was afraid because she might know about my porn addiction, and that was stupid because she herself was probably addicted to porn, and also wasn't under the impression that all males don't use porn. I was inconsiderate because I couldn't admit someone else was better. I was self-seeking because I just wanted to use a beautiful women to show others I was worthy of belonging to the "cool crowd."

Majorly screwed up I agree, so erase all the problems I say she was, all I have to focus on is how selfish, how dishonest, how fearful, how inconsiderate, and how self-seeking I was. After I identify that, it is a no brain-er she is gone, she would have been insane to stay, then I would have been dating or possibly married to someone with poor judgment. Using a body with poor judgment to make myself feel better, majorly selfish and dangerous if you're an addict like I.

Let's look at the sexual additive defects now. Where was I desiring of control? Well I would drive to unannounced to "surprise her" when really I was tortured by the irrationality that she was sleeping with someone else, I thought if I caught them I would feel better to know, but if I look deeper it is my sexual sickness and addiction that gets excited at the possibility of being lied to and cheated on. That again is rooted in the pure hatred created from the conditioning the Christian community did on my mind, without my agreement, and a hatred at the God who "smites" at anyone who is sexual. So I was desiring to control, to cover my own ass and not date a "whore" in everyone else's eyes, but secretly I was saying "man I hope she is getting fucked real real good by a guy better than me, what a turn on!" Majorly screwed up I agree, but equally the real deal, this is who I am.

How was I having an attitude of entitlement? Well I thought since I was dark, tall, and handsome, I was entitled to be worshipped and controlling of suburban white women who always seemed to lose it when I interacted with them, I had no other way if understanding it than thinking I was the shit, a king, the man, worthy of enslaving and making them concubine. Even if married! Especially if married. The attitude of entitlement will turn anyone with any sense off, because it is not right and also if you display an attitude of entitlement, people begin to be keen on your liabilities or imperfections. The media does it with stars all the time, so I was wrong to have that attitude, especially sexually because I am not that good in bed, never had the time to practice, too busy beating off instead, so it was a proud attitude based on being inadequate, a complete delusion! What an idiot I am, LOL!

Next we have selfishness, and I already addressed how the whole thing is rooted in selfishness, deceptive and unmerciful selfishness in the disease form psychologically.

Lastly feelings of superiority and inferiority were present, and drove the woman off because who wants to date a man who complains and whines more than most women? How does complaining and whining help a woman with her own insecurities and uncertainty about the future, who is looking at the man to lead and make things secure?

So me wanting to see my ex gang banged by shady characters is ridiculous, but before I thought it was gospel, and by doing this inventory and searching for the truth hidden under all the bullshit, I now see how wrong that is and how wrong I am in this department. I'll tell you what, the harder you work at recovery and getting an edge on the illness, the more comical it all naturally becomes, before admitting I want my ex, who I still clearly love and always will, but not enough to act like we aren't completely incompatible as a couple, to be the center of a gang bang with dudes society get uncomfortable being around just from mere presence, there would have been a lot of shame and guilt. Now I see it is all me, and I do have the power to not think that is solution for the sexual compulsion and obsession, more gangbangs is not the solution to sexual compulsion, because there can never be enough gangbangs to satisfy this extremely hindering illness.

I can happily say I can now see after checking in today, that me using any energy to manipulate my ex to enjoy a gangbang with guys her father would disapprove of is immature and I can utilize my time and decision making powers better. I am willing to learn more valuable nuggets of priceless truth like this for the future and it is a great relief to know there is a solution when I reach out and want it to find me.

Guhzo,

You said that I probably do not have the time to reply to your wordy post which for me border on rants. Anyway, I did reply but you either missed it or it got delayed, please notice the time it was posted.

At any rate, this would be a perfect opportunity to stop assuming things that are not there which incidentally are the very fuel of the addictive cycle

Have a great day,
Wolf (5 years sober)