Hello...I am checking in....I am thinking about humility again, which reminds me of a saying: humility is not thinking less of yourself but rather, it is thinking of yourself less....I think that is the journey for me, from being self-centered, to other-centered, to God-centered....wishing everyone a good day.

Checking in.

Humility, humility my illness says is overrated, however humility saves a lot of future grief and pain if practiced well. I exercise humility every time I type a single word, I write so much because I used humility to practice over all these years, but there have been times when I have been too proud to give back to others or write what I've known is good for others to read.

Humility is me not having to be opinionated, and humility is considering what others point of view is and not judging them for trying to help. Humility is knowing I can disagree without hating the other person or writing them off.

Humility is key to recovery. Great job Inner, keep up the good work.

Checking in.

Checking in. I forgot I was powerless over compulsive sexual behaviors that I am addicted to the past couple of days.

So let me just do a Twelve Step review right now. Am I powerless over sexual behavior that is compulsive and lack the willpower to be stopped? Yes. Does this make my life harder and not able to manage? Yes. Do I believe a higher power can take this away from me and make me see and have a clearer mind? Yes. If that is true, can I make a decision to turn my life and will over to this power? Yes. Does this power allow me through honesty to admit I am selfish, entitled, controlling, have beliefs that I am superior and inferior, envious, jealous, resentful, inconsiderate, evil, ugly, demanding, lustful, rage centered, dishonest, and other character defects that make lives worse for others? Yes. Would I like to be entirely ready to have ALL these character defects removed? Yes. Can I ask humbly through surrender to the ultimate power if it can take away the shortcomings so I can experience more peace and happiness? Yes. Can I make a list of people I've hurt, like everyone, and can I be willing to make amends when the opportunities arise? Yes. Can I make direct amends today if the opportunities arise and it doesn't do any further harm? Yes. Can I continue to take stock of myself and admit it to God, myself, and others quickly without delay? Yes. Can I continue to pray and meditate in the hope that I receive Godly information on how I can better serve his plan and treat others more correctly? Yes. Can I share everything I have learned that has allowed me to be more spiritual and addiction free with others? Yes.

I feel much better.

Have a great day.

Good Morning....I am checking in....I am thinking of what is keeping me in recovery mode....I believe it is my unbroken fellowship with God...I try to learn and practice my spiritual discipline daily to ensure my inner antenna is aligned to my Higher Power so that I am able to receive its frequency and by extension, direction....wishing everyone a good day.

Hello...I am checking in....I am thinking about my old ideas and old attempts of self-help, like I was able to overcome myself and my problems by sheer self-will...I failed many times using self-effort....I needed a Higher Power to take away the 'insane urge' swirling within me...for many hours, too many to remember, my life was hijacked by my own selfishness, self-indulgences, and self-centeredness and I thought self-ability was the answer to my self-induced problems rather than God's ability...as the saying goes, God seldom becomes a reality until God becomes a necessity....wishing everyone a good day.

Checking in,

I just saw that 3000 people consider themselves or have signed up to be members of the sex and pornography addiction group. Two check in daily. If only God would show those 2998 others how beneficial confronting and addressing this illness is daily. The disease is telling them not to check in, the disease is telling them that feeling-less, reality escaping, pain deadening, and compulsive sexual behavior rooted in selfishness and self-hatred isn't that big of a deal. Well it is a huge deal, and it is a large reason why the society doesn't function as well as it could or would if we all were a little less selfish sexually with the people we love and want to be intimate and sexual with.

In order to do this, be less selfish, I have a first have a relationship with God. I cannot, as a sex addict, or addict of any kind, have a relationship with God, if I have character defects getting in the way. It's like having a house by the ocean, with a beautiful ocean view. The ocean is God, but then a character defect comes and builds a structure that blocks the view to the ocean. The ocean is still there and will always be there, but in order to see and bond with the ocean the character defects structure has to be removed, or you will miss the ocean! In recovery, God (the ocean) is also powerful enough where it can move the structure or allow us to see past or thru it. That is the best analogy I can come up with, hope that wasn't too confusing.

If I have the character defects of selfishness, attitude of entitlement socially, desire for control, and feelings of superiority mixed with inferiority, then I will be blocked from God and it's love. It's nothing God is doing, it's just the nature of the illness. I also have to be aware that hate, envy, jealousy, inconsideration, dishonesty, fear, self-seeking, resentment, and other character defects like lust and greed will also disconnect me from God and it's love.

The God is so great and loving, it can remove the defects amazingly if we are humble and honestly want better things and change. If we are proud liars who don't want change, we will never experience the supreme will for us that God has designed and intended, we might be satisfied with basic needs met and horrible attitudes, but it's not our fault because we are ignorant to the higher levels of awareness and understanding God can provide and wants to as well.

Major props to Inner Quest for their perseverance.

Have a great day.

I wonder what would happen if for some reason like it was for me when I was considering quitting the addiction and as I shared before, the addicts could not indulge through their home PCs, in the privacy of their own homes, in the dark because if they did they would be hit by malware, rendering the computer worthless

Would they feel as powerless or would they, like me have to learn to live without it? Would they stop talking about how the illness is causing them harm and actually get up start walking, so to speak?

My take on the ocean metaphor is this: God is the ocean and we are the drops of water that make up that ocean so hence since we have the same properties the ocean has, we have within us all the tools and power to overcome any obstacle, the catch is that we have to be aware that we come from that ocean so we can connect to it.

And I disagree that a sex addict cannot have a relationship with God, due to defects, anyone can have a relationship with God but we have to come as we are, defects and all and allow God to shows us how much better we could be when we learn to love ourselves as he loves us, unconditionally, warts and all. St Paul did say that nothing we could do could separate us from God's love, are we saying St Paul was a liar?

Wolf (5 years sober)

recovery has to start from choice, a choice to stop the behavior. I am always confused how some can say they are working the steps and flying through them, yet still acting out. When my husband was in rehab for sex addiction he learned alot, about his addiction, his family of origin issues, his skewed belief system, and healthy ways to cope that didnt involve sex. You see for him (and most sex addicts) sex becomes the most important, a reward, a stress reliever, a punishment, and something they deserve. EVERY single time my husband acted out he would pray after, swear if you let me not get caught GOD this will be the last time, etc. And the very next day, he was acting out again. His relationship with GOD was still there, just not the most important one. He put sex ahead of even GOD and it was just a matter of time, after many many chances, that GOD was going to not give him a choice anymore. Now for some that means getting caught, a STI, arrested or even killed. For my husband it was me checking an email for him to forward while he was away over night for work. As i was opening the email i seen an email from a sex dating site at that moment i thought this has to be spam...i clicked on the link to his profile, his full name backwards, his birthday,his city. At that very moment my life was shattered. When i confronted him, he denied,lied, but eventually came clean, swore it was the only profile. He started therapy and continued to lie, he even went 18 months with no acting out. i begged for the truth, but you see he had made yet another deal with GOD, i will never go back to that if she never finds out all the rest. He swore he would take the rest to his grave. Now looking back he knows those deals werent with GOD. You see GOD knew his defects but he also knew that he needed to hit rock bottom before he was given choice for recovery. SO 19 months after i caught him, i woke up one day and booked a polygraph. Not because i had found anything more, because my heart knew i was still being lied too. 5days before the poly he came clean, for 22 years, he had lied to me, countless ways, strip clubs, lap dances, sexualizing friends and family, kissing strangers,countless fake emails, and profiles on sex sites, web cam sex, online affairs. His disclosure was 3 typed pages. Since that day, he has been to inpatient rehab, therapy, meetings,prayer, his relationship with GOD is pure, and clean,and honest. GOD gave him back his choice for recovery. There is much peace there, you just have to choose it!!!!

Checking in.

Well St. Paul was murdering Christians before his conversion, so if he had the ability to murder, he has the ability to lie as well. I'm not saying Saul, oh excuse me Paul, lied on purpose, but "saints" have been known to be wrong in the past, and just because man has labeled him a "saint" doesn't mean his human rhetoric is genuine Gospel or the word of God. That is man's interpretation of God's word, nobody knows truly what God's word is or would ever be. There you go again Wolf, starting a fight. Your dedication to proving me wrong is unparalleled my friend, an honest dissident, somewhat admirable. Wolf as knowledgeable as you are I never hear you talk 12 step recovery however, and you've got the open mind to really understand and then advise others on the topic, why don't you invest in the twelve steps?

Wolf you either read what I said wrong, or I worded it where it wasn't clear about the defects. I said the character defect blocked the person from seeing and experiencing God, God can still intervene and present itself, however as a steady connection, it is not possible to experience God thoroughly, if negative character defects are making the decisions. For instance if I love someone, but I am jealous that they are happy with another, I'm going to want to win that person over, if I am acting from the influence of the jealousy, thus getting in the way of a perfect plan for the two of them from God. If I remove the jealousy, I can see that God is building something special between two people, and I by being jealous am a threat and harm to the union, because I am jealous.

I practice the process of character defect removal daily and I am more God centered and understand what God's plan and will are better when I have less character defects making decisions.

Well I am very opinionated this morning, so I need to journal privately so I don't piss anyone off further.

Have a great day and Happy Halloween.

Guhzo,

I have noticed that every time I challenge your negative defeatist thinking process, you accuse me of starting a fight and seriously argue for your limitations, as it were. No one else is getting hurt by it but you.

You are not hurting me and most definitely not angering me because I know you are not talking to me directly since you do not know me save for some posts you have read from me. But you are reading them and there you are reacting to them still and if that is what you want to keep doing go right ahead, again, you are the only one getting hurt by it.

Honestly, if I truly believed that I had been powerless over my addiction or over my life, you can bet I would have invested in the 12 steps but I never believed it and somehow I have managed to remain sober for five years.

Are you in fact saying that only those who are 12 steppers are allowed to comment on your posts? If so would that not be elitist even discriminatory? Do you not realize that those who have been sober have far more to offer you than those who are still addicted?

It is true that my manner of support may not be your cup of tea, trust me it is not everybody`s either but I know you may find hard to believe but many a person has thanked me much much later for my unorthodox approach, devoid of condescension and cuddling. Would you rather I treat you like child or treat you like the responsible adult you still cannot see you are?

I write those things to challenge defeatist thinking, seriously, I could very well just go on with my life, living up my sobriety and let you guys languish in pain for decades like I did for 30 years, on and off the wagon til you guys either hit bottom or worse, and simply not give a darn hoot if that happens to any of you. Would you rather I did that? Of course, I`d be the one enjoying my life, not you, and there`s the rub, right?

But trouble is, I can`t because I know I have something different to offer and it would be selfish to just not share it. I believe it would be malicious and cruel not to share it. Not to mention that this is NOT your thread so it`s fair game.

I hope one day when you truly recover, you can see that all of those posts I wrote and say to yourself as many before have said, "Dog gone it! That annoying critter did have a point" Notice I did not say, I was right. You see, I`d rather be happy than be right.

And yes, I keep bothering you because I know you can do better for yourself and you can get past this addiction but apparently I am the only one who knows this because you obviously do not.... yet!

Take care,
Wolf (5 years sober)

Hello...I am checking in...I am thinking about my bottomlines...I think in early recovery, one learns what is off limits for oneself through the process of trail and error....the trail and error process requires honesty and self-assessment, since it takes time to practice new behavior, to establish boundaries and to focus on character building...I am reminded of a famous quote, we are to appeal to 'the better angels of our nature'...I try to do this one day at a time.....wishing everyone a great day.

Checking in,

Wolf, Wolf, Wolf...I completely appreciate your response, care, and feedback, however you missed the mark on a couple of things, but at least I sparked a fire in you that I can connect with. I think I content you so much Wolf because I do know that you are doing well, and I do know you can handle it, and all I was saying is your open mind is the type of mind that could interpret, understand, and then spread the message of sexual recovery 12 steps have to offer.

We differ on major points, as you well know, you think it is an overblown habit, I know it to be an illness far from, you think power is the solution, I believe the admission of powerlessness to be the treatment, you think I have not recovered, I know I recover daily. You think you crossed a finish line, I know I'll always be in a race with pace being the real medal, the correct pace that ensure more growth and more education.

I do react sharply to some of you suggestions because I tried them with maximum effort and quite frankly they didn't work, but I do enjoy reading the majority of your posts, and you're correct none of this is mine, and you did teach me valuable things like the importance of rest, how narcissim plays a huge role (something SAA doesn't directly speak of), the ego and how it can take the role upon itself to mess everything up unknowingly, and then all the quotes, sayings, and other information provided.

I supposed I can tame my intensity and insensitivity a bit if it is fraying communication or recovery for others, I just want to let you know I am this way with you because I know you are solid in your recovery and I like you more than I don't like you. I hope you'll understand, I am a sick man doing the best I can, and I'd be lying if I said you haven't played a significant role in the positive growth I have made so far. Two years ago I was in shit storm most people would have never dug themselves out of, and if you knew the complete story you would be amazed, I am somewhat modest in how much I have changed and grown, but I admit I still am a work in progress and am more raw than refined. God likes raw though, in terms of how he inspires me, so I hope my rhetoric or rebuttals haven't been too offensive or damning, after all it is all opinion and I again, just feel comfortable communicating this way with you because I know you are solid and will grow from it.

I hope that makes sense, I hope you have a great day.

Guhzo,

Thank you, thought between you and I and our checkered history, I never thought I'd say it :) But yes, thank you for that post.

True, we are not going to see eye to eye on some things and it is also true that not all suggestions are going to work for everyone but it helps to know that you, at least, tried them, that is more than I ask for.

I admit, that it is true that you have grown, and it is evident that this is a fact. I think in some level we understand each other but we do not always meet where we could, because we are different and that is good. You may have a good point when you say I can take it but I can also dish it out. :)

However, we differ on one key part: I do not see you as a sick man, I see you as healthy man who keeps making unhealthy choices (by indulging) because he believes he is sick. In other words, I see you as the finished product (sober). Yes, you are doing the best that you can yet I know you can do better because for me with God all things are possible.

True, you have grown a lot and so have I but we never finish growing, life is a constant stream of growth and relinquishing old ways of being that no longer serves us.

But I have to thank you for something you do not realize you did because it was not intentional on your part, you see in dealing with you as difficult as you had been, at times, as irritating as you had been(I am sure you feel the same about me) , I never gave up on you and when you left that time, it saddened me because I felt that you had been yet another casualty of porn but then you came back and I went, "oh dear! Here we go again" but did you notice I did not address you directly?

I simply put quotes that amazingly came to my mail box to send to you, it was an effort of sheer will not say something during those colorful rants of yours because I knew that saying something was ego driven, so I held on and held on and well til the last post where I wanted to get real with you because I wanted to show you what sobriety looks like and give you a tangible goal to work towards. If that makes any sense

So have a wonderful day and do not forget to turn you clock back,
Wolf (5 years sober)

Hello....I am checking in...I am thinking of my own nature...I believe I have intrinsic goodness..it is layered with defects of character that I have to work on....to use a Christian term, it is not about being 'saved', per se from my inner most being, but rather how to let go of my ego/false self/defects and to let grow what is already there...it is not about working for 'salvation' because I can't add what is already there deep within me...as the saying goes, farmers don't trying to get land, they work the land in order to develop what they already have...toughest thing to do sometimes, to let go and let God....wishing everyone a good day.

A month free today!!! Thank you everyone on here for their continued support on here and most importantly keeping this post alive. I am finally starting to feel like myself again and i truly have not thought about this in the longest time. I hope everyone else finds happiness too!!