Checking in.

Checking in.

Have a great day.

Checking in.

I got some rest last night, some genuine rest, for more than eight hours, and I woke up not obsessing about sex to deal with stress.

Little things aren't irritating me, my room is a mess and instead of giving up and hating everything, I can see clearly in about 20 minutes this afternoon it will no longer be a mess after I clean it up.

Yesterday was a day I "got through." Someone had told me I would have days like that in sobriety, and there were a few things that saved the day. During a tense period of anxiety, due to a perceived as major event towards my future, I had to start writing that I was alive and that I was breathing. That showed me that I was lacking gratitude, functioning in fear, and not well. That simplicity made all the difference in the world, and things got lighter and I was able to relax. The meeting with the important person after went exceptionally well from my standpoint, and the rest of the day was well.

Conforming and being a part of society is a move my ego and illness strongly hate. Conforming and being a part of society is the miracle I need to grow and live a peaceful life from however. My old influences are fading away, and the new influences are showing me they aren't the people I believed them to be.

The old principles are becoming appalling and comical, but not to be under valued or disrespected, and the new principles are taking me closer to the real honorable and loving God.

One thing I learned is I need to build a support process that includes possibly a rigid system of dietary intake inclined towards strengthening the immune system, regular exercise, a literature ingestion that allows my mind to work out as well, quality rest, good communication skills, and tons of humility.

I've got the dietary plan, I'm going to learn more exercise routines, I have plenty of books that will challenge my thinking, rest will always be an issue with my work ethic, practicing speaking alone improves communication, and humility comes from steps, recovery, and a relationship with God.

Have a great day.

Checking in.

I don't have anything to say today.

Well...I'm thinking I should just start banging chicks out of resentment and attention wanting. I guess you can call me the one who missed the mark.

I know what is missing, I have yet to meet the people who will truly teach me the realities of sexual addiction.

My illness is throwing heat at me, showing nuts, flexing, pointing at his arsenal with a smirk, and I have no humanly support or back up, so I am fucked, and being asked to love humanity at the same time, but I view humanity as fucking me, so it is a double fucking, and my illness is on fire.

I supposed I could use a cold shower today. I know I am selfish, so today I can continue to give, continue to have an open mind, continue to change, continue to use action to quiet this wrong mind of mine. The great news is the mind isn't solidified with wrong, yesterday there were splinters of goodness presenting themselves periodically. Major hope and relief knowing I might not be completely undesirable. I know I want, love, and desire control, so today I can bend to others demands and requests, I can take things in stride if they don't go perfectly, I can admit I might not be the best one to control things. I know that I have an attitude of entitlement, so I can humble myself at every opportunity, I can again, give more than I receive, I can ignore greed, banish envy from any process, and quit with the "I am the man" philosophy. Lastly I have thoughts of superiority and inferiority, so I can just not think and just do, knowing I will be safeguarded from a higher power if my thoughts are completely wrong. Slightly wrong is ok, I am finding, no need to completely condemn myself for being who God wants everyone to see.

Have a great day.

Ghuzo,

I am going to make this short, you claim in your last post that you have yet to meet the people who will teach you the realities of sexual addiction.

I can tell you that I have tried to teach you in many ways such harsh realities and it has fallen on deaf ears in the long run. It appears as though, you would rather act out than get better and that is fine but if that is the case, posting about your addicted sickening fantasies have no place in a board designed to support who are struggling.

But even more telling is that you do not need anyone to show it to you, all you have to do is read your own posts in a detached manner and it is screaming it right back at you.

And if you are wondering why I stopped posting is because I answered your questions and you said nothing about it, but even more crucial to me was that it was obvious to me that all your checking in was to rant and little else and I frankly I have better things to do than to enable you.

Yes, it may not seem supportive but it is, denying you room for self pity and self loathing and setting boundaries is all part of the recovery process.

As I have been saying all this time, the only person getting hurt by it is you but if you carry out the task you those resentful women then you are also hurting others and I am here to tell you, that is not acceptable behavior under circumstances. Grown men do not mistreat women only men who need to grow up do. I kid you not

Enough said,
Wolf (5 and 1/2 years sober)

Checking in.

I am doing well today. I read a story in the SAA literature that was very graphic, this woman in my opinion was the classic case of just how bad the addiction can become.

Most of it stemmed from being abused as a child, it was the case of the abused becomes the abuser, and the author kept telling of rage. The story consisted of a storm of drugs, alcohol, incest, abuse, rape, violence, and domestic abuse. Furthermore the actions the illness suggested she take, it was amazing she ended up finding recovery.

She indicated going to a lot of meetings, keeping in contact with other addicts, and service work for others were the keys.

I was forced to take a look at where I have come in the last couple of days, initially due to a tough stressful week. I've found that I've grown so far in a year, and I am such a different person, despite still working on a burdensome sexual addiction, I needed some time to soak it all in.

I found that I am a work-a-holic, I don't value sleep enough, I often seek power, in fact I have a default button that automatically makes the power move, and I can afford to tone it down. I can also afford to be more aware of others and how they function and struggle. I have been taking people not paying as much attention to me personally lately, but I found out a while ago I seek attention unconsciously, and it is all to the good if I am not paid attention to, especially if I am just venting and practicing honesty.

I also understand I strike nerves, I'm going to work on not saying opinions. I think I am being honest and expressing myself, but I didn't realize it has the power to disturb and make people less effective or spiritual.

I think my opinions and rants are a symbol of how un-accepting in general and of my problem I can subtly become.

Today I am going to work on finding facts, or accepting facts, I think being so opinionated is not helping much.

Have a great day.

Checking in.

Checking in. I don't have the energy to share today, I have energy, but I don't have the energy needed to say an opinion.

I know I am thankful for waking up, I am thankful I have the opportunity to be given another day, and I am thankful I am alive and well.

Have a great day.

Checking in.

Today in the SAA literature I read about a Priest who was a sex addict. The Priest reminded me of another story I saw about a Priest in New York who was a sex slave and stole money out of the plate to pay his "master."

I think if I were that Priest, I would find some humor in the whole thing and forgive myself. I could see my sex addiction going so far that I did things out of character, and if I find humor in my actions, keep an open mind to not hurting others, and not let my ego think I could possibly ever be better than someone else, the guilt and shame aren't as powerful.

If this Priest guy from New York can find humor in the whole thing, he will be alright. I have found that humor, especially when it comes to others humor at us, or their misunderstanding, for some reason makes the actions less condemning. Obviously things such as molestation and criminal sexual assault or rape are not laughing matters, but things like masturbating at work, fucking multiple people on a Saturday night, etc., it's just lust of lower natures for some and healthy risk for others.

I don't know everything, but I do know finding sex a source of healthy humor and responsible understanding, can work.

Have a great day.

Checking in.

I think I broke my denial yesterday. I was still in denial that I am the problem. I was still in denial that what I am doing by acting out is selfish. I was still in denial that I was in denial.

I did a lot of work yesterday on causes and effects of acting out. I had to get very simple, asking myself basic questions. What I came up with is that every time I act out I create envy, greed, hate, anger, pride, and lust. Then I asked myself if any of these help recover. Of course I couldn't say yes, and if I did say yes even slightly, then I was in denial. I concluded that I was in denial, I have lost, and that is where I am at.

I felt a lot of relief after, then the core of my belief system had to function, much of which is inclined to sloth, and I got frustrated again.

I then asked myself why I had the fetishes I do. Why do I like group sex, and why do I like having sex with myself seeing others have sex? All I could come up with is I am afraid to date, because I don't want to be harmed, and having sex with myself seeing others have sex is the easier option. I could not say it wasn't selfish though.

I then had to ask myself why I feel it ok to have sex with women unhappy in marriage or relationships? I saw that I wasn't aware that doing so would break up a union, dividing something special for another person, the guy, and if given the choice I'd rather not. I put myself in the guy's shoes and had to admit there would be a problem if that happened.

In conclusion I found I must have shame preventing me from seeing myself worthy of dating or having a partner. I have more work to do, because I still acted out last night, to swingers or cuckolds, lol, so there is still more work to do.

Not being so opinionated, accepting the pain of resentment, asking God for support when fear influenced or directed, and identifying my fantasies and delusions, then not hating myself for their occurrence, is helping me not lose it.

Have a great day.

Guhzo,

Quick question: How do you expect to get better if you keep thinking in extremely negative ways about yourself and keep.acting out? How long do you think that it will take you to understand that what you are doing is not working.

How do I know? Your narrative has not changed much, we are still hearing your questionable choices in porn viewing. This tells me who your god is and it is not the one you think it is. I am not preaching, I am simply pointing out why idolatry was a considered a no no, Jesus said best when he said we cannot serve two masters.

To my knowledge no one has ever gotten healthy behaving in extremely unhealthy ways.

Have a great day,
Wolf (5 and 1/2 years sober)

Checking in.

Wolf are you saying the porn is the idol? Are the whores my idol?

I do know that something changed inside of me the day before yesterday when being in denial became a fact for me. The illness must have had a problem with that because I basically am not even attempting to not look anymore.

I am just giving in, and it is exciting. I just read a story in the SAA literature about a woman who found she was addicted to the obsession of sexual fantasy.

I think setting the precedent that I am in denial, and am in denial often if not all the time will help greatly. I also think the honesty will help too, I know I can be crude and vulgar, graphic as well, however the next time I think twice about being crude, vulgar, and graphic, and the possibility of not doing so becomes real.

I know the acting out is providing relief, relief from a sick brain, so I get the idol worship practice I am practicing. I know I am missing out on a lot of good, and I don't care, being bad is very good in a denial sense, and I am really seeing the powerlessness.

In the AA book it says after looking at our sexual histories we tried to shape a sound and sane ideal for our future sex life, which is based on unselfishness. I am having a hard time not constructing an ideal that doesn't include giving myself to any woman who needs to feel better if sexually frustrated. I know I am not capable of doing it in reality, since God has seemed to get in the way of that, so I fantasize about having sex.

I think the problem also that still exists is I want to be naughty just a tad more than not naughty, because being naughty and bending the rules or breaking them when it comes to cheating, makes me feel alive.

I can see how my feelings after years of being selfish, are guiding me in a direction that could harm others. I am no so much in denial that harming others is viewed as better than not harming others, so there is hope.

Would it be sane to be a male whore and have sex with no thought of consequence or if it will affect others involved? I can't say clearly yes, so there is also hope there that the opposite of my desire in fantasy would be ideal. Maybe I should start fantasizing about finding a loyal and monogamous wife? Right now I'm obsessed with cheating spouses who are unhappy. I think I can some how be a better person by helping them escape an unhappy marriage for a few hours. Deep down inside though, I know I am getting the real reward by the thrill of being naughty or breaking the rules. Wrecking a home is the more accurate term, so I can say wrecking a home would not be an ideal and sane sex life for a future.

When it comes to soundness, would it be sound for me to be controlled and a whore for women who make me lose it with their physicality and seductive power? Again, I can't say it would be right or what God would want, for me to deny everything I've wanted outside of sexual desire, just to submit to the will of someone I instinctively want to be inside sexually. To trash opportunity, drop everything, and become a powerful woman's sex slave, I can't say that would be ideal.

I can say that is shame based reasoning, and I can also say I do need to think higher of myself, so Wolf I get it, and I think it has to do with breaking that denial a few day ago. How am I going to distance myself from the sexual addiction if I think the best I can do is be a man whore for ones I am no match for power wise? I think the best I can do, or the Godly objective for myself is to be some gorgeous Aphrodite's bitch, it's actually extremely ridiculous when not looked at in denial, however I am sure the compulsion will have something to say as a rebuttal, so I think a good plan is to continue nurturing and treating myself like I am worth something.

Have a nice day, thanks.

Guhzo,

The answer to your question is quite simple, so long as your life revolves around sex, nothing will change for you. I do not want to hear how God is keeping you from having it because this is all your own doing. The excuse that because you cannot have it, you are left to deal with it by watching porn is quite lame, actually.

You want to know when was the last time I had sex? 1998, you read that right and I used that lame excuse you are using to addict myself to porn. Yes, I did that to myself and by reason of logic, so have you.

This is the part of the denial wheel cog, you are missing. There is no illness per se, there is simply your adamant pursuit on blaming your inability to recover on the compulsion which in turn you are keeping yourself from your good.

No one else is, not God, not the women, not the communists, this is all you because as I see it from your posts, you cannot stop the insane cycle but the most insane part of all is that you think this insanity is okay or at the very least you think that not much harm can be done by it, yet every day and at every hour, your soul dies a little.

I know what you may say, where do I get off saying this, easy, I was there years ago and only by stopping the wheel altogether I was able to reclaim my life. Sorry but that is the only way, incidentally whatever thoughts you have about women have been perverted by porn, I would not rely on them if I were you.

So you have to choose between porn or God which is you manifested, this is not rocket science. But let us remember that if you choose porn, you will be choosing your own spiritual death, right now it is agonizing

You may say that you cannot stop but I say, that you can and you will but you have got to want to but at the same time you cannot keep ranting here about it and still act out. It is not healthy for anyone, least of all you.

Yes., I am going medieval on your addictive rants because for me, I am certainly not fond of wanting to know about your sickening fantasies, I know there is free speech but my mom said with freedom comes responsibilities. Next time, take a moment to think about others, specially women whom you choose to disparage in your fantasies. It has no place in a recovery forum

I now realize I am ranting but it was a long time coming, as my mom would say, grow a pair and tackle this addiction, nothing was ever accomplished by complaining about a problem. Nobody has had the nards to confront you, so I did. No suprise there, right. Remember that if your react bladly it will have everything to with you and not me.


As I see it, it is either you or porn, life or death. As God would say, I have put before you life or death, therefore choose life. Psst, porn has nothing to offer, it only steals, never gives.

Have a great day,
Wolf (5 and 1/2 year sober)

Checking in.

The good news is I am not in denial that I am a major problem, and that I could be even a worse problem much to my good desires and intentions, outside of the sexual addiction.

I am truly powerless over this thing, and it is reality. I am learning who I am daily, and I am mixing that with a recovery plan, a partnership with God, and lots of necessary pain for growth.

I am in denial of the severe consequence this illness births, I am practically a walking demon. I think it is funny though. I say that aware of how immature that disclosure is, and I am aware that I offend others thinking being a problematic sex addict a joke.

The last couple of days, through work, I have seen I have an unparalleled and unprecedented hatred of God, deep down inside of me, or at least the conception of God that was bestowed on me growing up, and it provides the rational for the acting out. Combined with the compulsion, then the denial it all is a problem, I am simply lost. The good news again is I am finding myself admitting I am lost and powerless.

From reading other Sex Addicts stories I've seen that it is important that I don't avoid specifically speaking of the small things that create the resentment towards people, places, and things. One big reason I hate women is I am surrounded by country broads who believe they are the best thing since sliced bread. That antiquity bullshit that breeds sexual promiscuity and "rebellion." What I'm saying is I miss the California chicks I grew up with, the west coast girls I fell in love with, I have nothing in common with the Bible exploiting, country people. Rarely can they be trusted or un-proud, sore losers too.

Well that was wrong, and just the other day I encountered a kind country fellow who out of nowhere told me to have a good day.

All I'm saying is I am aggravated because I prefer the company of west coast women, much less fear driven and way more rational.

It's painful not being on the west coast, and most of my anger I am seeing is God bringing me back to the South, then not making it easy for me in the South, and again, it's a war with God. My denial tells me to go to war with God, again, I am my own God, unwilling to admit any war with God is a loss automatically, and I don't have the ability to not be unreasonable myself, so I am powerless, powerless to the compulsion and the actions of trying to find relief, and the fact that I hate being a subject of God.

I am so thankful for this website, I might be dead by now if I didn't have the opportunity to share and spill my guts daily, and the more I do the more I realize it is offensive and disturbing to others, before I was in denial that others could possibly be bothered by little old poor me with not a pot to piss in character wise.

I need to nurture myself today, the fuckers around me, mostly the white haters who act like bitches and cause problems with their own denials that they are the reason this world sucks, and I'm one of them too, are wanting problems, and I can't afford to give bitches problems, very un-honorable.

I think it is safe to say I am not doing well, and learn from me, I am still acting out and majorly fucked up from it. However I still have the desire to improve, have penetrated the denial, and want change, niggas won't throw me a bone so I'll just start making the motherfucking bones myself!

Fuck you and fuck you're great days.

I don't know, from your post I would say that you probably are as filled with as much hate as all those people you complain about.
You need to figure out what is keeping you from propelling forward. You are truly stuck. Figure out why and stop complaining about not being on the west coast and with those west coast girls. Your unhappiness is a state of mind created by your unhealthy behaviors. YOU are the reason you are unhappy and unhealthy, not all the people around you. Focus on YOU, not them.
By the way, everyone here is struggling with something, even in sobriety. Healing is difficult and painful and triggers come from out of nowhere. So before you tell people here to eff off, be mindful of how hurtful that is to those who are struggling. In other words, this isn't just about you!

Checking in.

Loud and clear, I will start logging my bad days in my private journal, I thought I was just expressing, didn't acknowledge it might actually hurt from the words.

Thank You.

P.S. I was also under the assumption I was the only one participating or reading, so maybe I was just subtly trying to strike nerves or earn attention.

I can't tell anyone else is struggling though if I'm the only one posting. If everyone else is struggling the amount of posts surely don't state that or make a person like me feel the need to be considerate of others. If there was more participation I'd filter more, but I'll filter now, since I made you angry, struck a nerve, being a problem, hate filled, I agree. How about you call me out more? That would help.

Have a great day, sorry for saying F off.

I don't want to have to call you out more. I would love it if you could create some real healthy boundaries for yourself, create a healthy value system, and go out and help others in their struggles. However, that would take you being sober to make that happen.
So how are you going to get sober? What's your plan?
By the way, you don't have to be religious in any way, shape or form to be in a 12 step program. Athiests are in 12 step programs. Please read "The 12 Step Buddhist". You HAVE to shift your thinking otherwise your behavior will follow and there you are still on a hamster wheel.