Checking in.

Irritated again, always irritated. I cannot remember the last time I wasn't irritated. I am irritated because I have confidence in my ego, which tells me everything I see is wrong, and that is not true, so my irritation stems from listening to erroneous information, usually when others are trying to teach or give me correct advice.

In relation to porn addiction, which I am still inviting into my life, whether it is ego driven or illness driven I do not know, but the same lies are occurring. I am a sick person when it comes to sex, and one of my fantasies is watching a spouse have sex with multiple men in front of me. Yesterday whilst watching a scene it felt good to image the actress was my wife, she was my type, physically, and then for the actors to ejaculate in her mouth, after they had done whatever they wanted to do with her sexually, with her enjoying it to a degree. Some love huh?

Well whilst watching, the actress broke character, and she showed her strong annoyance and irritation as well, and it struck me like lightening "she is just doing this for money and hates it." She broke character so poorly anyone with a brain could tell it was obvious she was a true whore just out for money and it's wonderful how the day I proclaim my love for whores, God shows me how that was a lie, and I real whores are money hungry and are willing to degrade their bodies to worship it. The worship of money, is whoredom.

So I love God more, and I wouldn't have seen that yesterday if I hadn't of acted out, so that bullshit of fighting the acting out doesn't always work as much as letting go and allowing God to mold the process until the day he says enough is enough. To tell you the truth seeing that woman's irritation and character breaking has left a more clear impression on not having a desire to act out than any of the other scenes I have seen where the woman didn't break character and was "money" in her performance.

I think the key here is I am still in denial, for instance now whores think I love them, but now I'm contradicting that, so now whores have more reasons to hate me, never mind that fact that I am judiciously utilizing the word "whore" like it is common everyday dialogue, and again, I am in denial of how big my problem really is.

All is not lost however, I am not in denial with the importance of honesty, honesty with other addicts, and the reason my explanation of last nights events were so graphic, is honesty.

I can go further and say in an unselfish manner that my graphic depiction could have triggered another addict, and that was selfish of me to want others to know exactly what the scene did, so next time I will try to ask God to remind me to refrain from harming others with my descriptions and adjectives.

In my daily dealings I seem to attract very difficult and immature people. I don't know if it is my own difficult and immature energy doing the work, or if it is just happenstance, however dealing or just even being around them is really taking a toll on me, and often I am shocked at how negative I get from having to cater to them. I have to cater to them because doing the opposite will get me drunk, so there is a conflict here, because the price for not desiring to be drunk is being collected by the need at the end of the day to have euphoric relief in fantasy.

My spirituality is suffering, and I think it is lack of nurture. I think I am buying into the demanding or superstar philosophy a bit more so than I have to, I think it is best for me to nurture myself more, I've never really given serious thought to the gentleness route, I've always taken the pain route or the push it to the limit agenda.

I see now that I am doing it because I want to be a God, and listening to idiots who think in a human form being a God is even possible is probably the stupidest thing I can do as a sex addict.

I really don't know what to do anymore, and I am really losing in this department, and it's getting to the point of hopelessness, and that is depressing. Do I work harder or do I stop working so hard? Do I continue to fight or do I let God do the fighting for me? Always caught up in no decision making power at the crossroad, all my actions seem to cause problems and the problem is the actions start with a philosophy that I don't want to be a problem no more, but the that same action is creating problems! I become a problem not wanting to be a problem. Maybe I should consider just being a problem? Not a real problem, just a "high society" problem, problem for the people who think they are "gods", maybe that will work? Well that is stupid, that won't work, I am just having a rough go, in denial, and need to pray for God to remove the denial that is all.

Have a great day.

I know this is a waste of time. But anyways will keep it short.

Your best option is to stay away from anything electronic for 90 days. No computers, no smartphones, no nothing! (get a flip phone with no internet). Use computers only for work and at your workplace if computers are important for work.

If you need to use computers for studying/college, go to the library and use public computers.

I am sorry to say, unless you take yourself away from the computer screen (unless its for work/college) - you will be checking in every day for the rest of your life.

Take this 90 days challenge and report back on day 91.

Good luck!

Checking in.

Was I resentful today? Not really, not the kind of powerful resentment that has me seething or needing a drink. Was I resentful towards women today? Not very much, if at all it was brief and able to write off and not focus on. I actually felt like a friend to women today, like I had no right or reason to be at odds with them. I hope this will bring me closer to them, I think it will, hopefully I will grow close with women who have written men off and just need an example of someone who doesn't want problems.

Was I selfish today? I was a bit selfish in where I wanted to outperform my peers, I thought people who could have made life better were watching, and that I needed to impress them rather than treat others fairly.

Was I dishonest today? I told white lies, just to keep the pace of the day going. I might need to address this, in a more formal or important setting I want to stay away from white lies, trust needs to be established.

Was I afraid today? More so worried of what another might think. This is a control issue, and I have no control, that is the denial aspect.

I am happy to say I am learning abstinence and boundaries, not applying them, but just learning what they are. I know I am creating an standard of not being rigid in this abstinence, and I think I need to abstain from anything I feel guilty about or depressed about.

This is a process, and I am committed, Believe spoke about checking in like it is a requirement or command, I check in because it keep the door open to change, if necessary. After some of the things I have read in SAA, I am seeing this illness incorporates a wide range of "problems", but the biggest problem for me is not talking about it freely, keeping it hidden on the inside, so the agenda of the illness can flower.

Checking in allows me to see when I write what is abnormal, what is just the sexual instincts means, and also what about it all is compulsive, obsessive, or selfish.

I don't think fantasizing about older women who just want to have sex is "wrong." I do think gangbangs are not traditional, but I also don't see much "wrong" in it, if the woman is enjoying it. I think I need to come to terms with within my own conservatism, I am just very liberal when it comes to sex, I am secure in that for the most part, and acknowledge most aren't, but forcing myself to try to be like them makes things worse.

Good night.

Checking in.

I have been reading the SAA material and I think I want to get honest about what exactly is abstinence to me sexually. I think the biggest truth to sexual abstinence is that it changes, and can change daily, but I think I can settle on some bottom line abstinence requirements for myself. It is clear that ceasing gangbang watching is not abstinence for me. It is clear seeing older women act sexual and dress in lingerie is not abstinence for me. Those are the two activities I am addicted, or the two sexual obsessions I have.

Here are some definite boundaries I can set, in the goal of being unselfish as a sexual being. I can't argue that watching gangbangs or even participating in a gangbang as completely selfish. I have no argument that participating in a woman's fantasy of being worshiped or "useful" as being selfish, actually that is more unselfish to me if I am honest. I also have a very difficult time thinking being sexual or paying attention to older women who may be insecure at the natural course of their perception of decreased beauty as selfish as well. I think it is more unselfish to choose a hot 45 or 50 year old, who might be insecure about her aging, than to choose a 25 to 35 year old woman who is still graced by beauty and hasn't aged.

I can't see how both gangbangs and mature porn are selfish, when fantasizing, and I think this is why I have a reluctance and defiance to stop. A big question I have is, is the compulsion worse than the selfishness? Is the compulsion the equivalent of the sefishness AA says is the root of the problem. Is the compulsion the root of the problem for the Sex Addict.

If my compulsion is the main problem, then there is definitely a problem with both gangbang watching and mature porn watching, having nothing to do with the sex acts themselves, it is just the compulsion, but then it says I am punished by the compulsion with the negative consequence, but how do you have negative consequence if you don't believe in a punishing God? Furthermore is the consequence negative if it is coming from an ignorant world that got it wrong from the beginning?

Either way, here are my hardline boundaries, that if I break, I believe I will have then considered myself relapsing. Sleeping with a married woman or person in a relationship. I can see how this is harmful and unselfish, for both the woman and the man. The question this brings up is, am I violating my boundary by seeing that type of porn done professionally in the form of fantasy, acknowledging it will never be reality, sort of like watching a Hollywood movie?

Another boundary I am setting is, and this is something I already do, if an actress is not performing, or if the porn is so degrading to the woman she is not at all happy or engaged in what she is doing, I will automatically turn the production off. I can see the harm in this, I don't want to get joy or pleasure from another's pain, if that person isn't willing to experience the pain, or if the pain has no place in the positivity of the production.

Another boundary is when or if I do start having sex, it isn't acceptable to have sex with someone who isn't aware of the consequences of the sexual experience, and it is not acceptable to have sex with someone lying just to have sex with me. If a woman lies to me before sex, even a little white lie, having sex with her will be breaking a boundary and violating my abstinence. I am a great liar, so this won't be hard for me to discover, and I think this is a very responsible boundary, mainly because I don't want my sex life to contain secrets or measures to earn power between partners, I would like my sex life to be transparent, or rooted in a clear understanding that it is just sex, and only sex.

I notice people seem to have the least drama who understand the difference between sex and intimate love making. The damage done with my experience with women, both my own makings and their own doings, might not ever be conducive to honest love with intimacy, and yes I am such a pig that I value the physical body of a healthy woman who takes care of herself much more than a union that has different ratios of give and take on any given day. Call it what you want, but that's me and that's real, much rather be having sex with someone who acknowledges the opportunity in a healthy way responsibly than maintaining a marriage.

However, as much as a "whore" that might make me, I have an equal desire to not ruin or get in the way of the ideals of marriage for others, and I am very confident in my assessment that I am not a "captain save a ho" who wasn't courageous enough to say "no" to the dude she is unhappily married to. It's not my problem you said "yes" and now want me to save the day by fucking you, giving you an out, to your own decision primarily, that started with a lie, to the man married, and will end with divorce, creating a wasted union.

So here it is, no home wrecking, and this includes divorced women with children as well, the bearded man was not lying when he said if you married the divorced, outside of adultery, you just breed more adulterous agendas. You should have taken two weeks to get back to him after proposal, even if it was in a setting where saying "I don't know" would have been embarrassing. So again, no home wrecking, it's classless, immature, and I am not Ghuzoontigh Jolie, home wrecking is not an option, bottom line.

Next again, if a woman is experiencing devalue or anything other than freedom while either performing sex or having sex with me, all activity immediately stops, I can honorably commit to this. Not wanting someone to not be free and happy is again, classless, and I will play no part in another's unhappiness or lack of freedom sexually. This presents another question, what about bondage? Role playing, fantasy produced, within reason and responsibility, bondage sex that contains love, is that violating this boundary?

Someone like me with extreme anger, I have to say yes, but in the same sense, that doesn't mean I should have women do it on to me. I can take control without tying someone up, if I have to tie someone up, that says something about my ability to support and show confidence, so bondage is out of the question. Bondage also has a degree of punishment I don't want to provide for women. I do have respect for women who don't give a fuck enough to participate in bondage, but with the wrong partner, bondage can lead to abuse, even in fantasy, so I am also confident in saying I know too little about this to have to make a clear decision, but in default, I know that bondage isn't necessary for my future sex life. If a woman wants to leave because I won't perform bondage, or needs someone else because she needs bondage, I will let her go without regret, even though they usually regret leaving 99 times out of 100, but who am I to deny happiness even if it's potential aside from delusion or denial is scarce?

I think another boundary I am going to set is not having sex with someone who isn't on par with me intellectually or in terms of common sense or low maintenance. Just because a high maintenance strikingly gorgeous woman wants to bump ugly's doesn't mean I have to, or have to agree with society when it disapproves after I abstain or deny the advance. I think of Derek Jeter in this instance, when he said no to Mariah Carey, and people said he was crazy. Well Ms. Carey turned out to be the crazy one, and Jeter was the wise one who saw past the good looks, and that is the model I want to role my agenda after. I've got a gift, I can spot crazy in an instant, one word said in one slight tone off, or too much tone on, will tell me everything about what a future would be, so boundary set, brains over beauty, if it is required to lay up in the bed and talk after intercourse, I at least want the conversation to have meaning and create more connection.

These idiots fuck, then act like they like talking to each other after, secretly saying to themselves "can't wait to get away from this person." Most can't do it like me, "bitch I'm gone" with no remorse, but I see how that is using someone.

Anyway, so I think starting with those boundaries will help. For one, since I can't say no to gangbangs and mature women being sexual, I am shifting the abstinence to center around not contributing to any forms of infidelity in real life, not giving energies to any porn or sex that makes a woman unhappy or controlled, and not being sexual with a woman just because of her looks after I have decided she needs some work on her character and mind. Furthermore I will establish a boundary, mostly already instituted in my psyche, that I should pay no attention to the sex driven and sex crazed society of America when I decide to say no to a gorgeous woman who has nothing to offer on the inside. I guess what I am saying is I am not buying stock in the trophy wife, and actually I think you're a fool if you think having a trophy wife is advantageous.

I think I will incorporate the detriment of opinion into further boundaries.

Well I feel good after this work, going to extremes like not using a fantastic resource like the internet or computer is way too extreme a solution. Buddhist say it great by saying if you deny yourself relief the desires to have relief will eventually override that initial decision to deny the relief. I think it is way to un-moderate towards balance to deny myself a great resource for three months. Maybe if I was doing illegal activity or wacking off 12 hours a day, but I use the computer for so many things, and driving somewhere to use the computer will take needed time away, plus I only act out breifly for around 20 minutes in the evening before I sleep on average. I appreciate the suggestion, but prefacing it with it's the "only" hope is garbage and bullshit. That's like again, saying God has only "one" Son, how stupid is that? Very stupid.

I think I will also address my condemnation of others beliefs, what difference does it make if someone claims Christ the "only" son? I know it is not true, but what difference does that make to someone who thinks it is true's recovery or ability to deal in the world or life? If you want to say or belief God has only one son, that plays no role in my understanding of God, even if you try to impose your beliefs on me, all you'll be providing fruit wise from the seed you sow is a lie from me in return. A lie creating a lie as a reaction, only one son is a lie, and it is no coincidence other religions are called liars from those who say there is only one son, because there only being one son is s lie, and the fruit it produces is more lies, so if you want to create liars, you'll tell others there is "only" one son. I'm the only son, how you like that? What is the difference between Jesus saying he is the only son and me saying I am the only Son? None at all in my opinion, except I've never stopped waves, raised people from the dead, or birthed a world religion of purpose that has saved billions, so I digress.

Have a great day.

Nightly Check In.

There has been some activity in this group, so I should do more listening and reading than talking.

Today was a great day.

Good night.

Checking in.

Well I read what others posted, and it is nice to see a handful of people taking getting better seriously. I wish some elders would contribute a little more so I can stop acting like I know it all through my wishful and ambitious thinking.

After reading about boundaries, within the SAA material, I see that setting a boundary and defining abstinence is a product of the eight and ninth steps if I wish them to be. I establish the "wrong" of my behavior, then I ask myself to ask for the help to abstain from them, and then I set a boundary, again with higher power help, that prevents me from doing those wrongs again. For instance leading some woman on who I value physically rather than intellectually or mentally. That is a boundary I set yesterday, and that boundary was tested, there is a woman who is probably going to throw herself at me soon, she already is showing me she is willing to see how I react to her sexual posturing, my boundary is (a) not becoming sexually anorexic and dismissing her natural feelings of wanting to have sex or be close, and (b) not rushing into anything and giving the natural non-sexual relationship time to nurture and grow.

There is some denial in this however, and it will be painful for me to stick to the ultimate boundary, and that is not being sexual with anyone other than myself for five years. I cannot do it on my own, but God can pull me out of sticky situations, and God will honor my ideal of not seriously being sexual with any woman for the next five years.

I really want to look back in five years and say I've grown closer and more understanding of women from abstaining. Not to mention it is going to make the bank account on swole probably. On swole means bigger in case you aren't schooled in slang.

What good will I be in nurturing a woman with no money? I talk a good game, but that is in the assumption that women can't tell a talker is just talking. I know tons of "talkers" and women buy their shit all the time, and then they cheat or make the guy out to be a monster, just to get away from him, after all his words haven't done a thing in the long run.

One thing that has helped sanity wise is making a hardline boundary that has fantasy I see in porn stay in porn. I've heard many horror stories about all the things seen in porn, especially amateur porn, destroying businesses, relationships, marriages, friendships, things worth while in a happy life. God bless the people in amateur porn, looking at the images paint a picture of heaven, when if you asked the people after, if it was more like hell, I think that would be the more accurate answer.

I liken it to a daredevils excitement for the extreme, you know Evil Kenivil I'm sure didn't think he was going to break every bone in his body the night before his jump at Caesars, I'm sure he just was thinking of flying threw the air, so I think it is wise to set up a boundary that anything seen in porn won't be the heaven it looks like if done in reality. What I"m saying is fantasy and reality, in a liberal manner with no regard to union or commitment, should be like oil and water, known to not mix. You're wife wants to screw dudes in a swinging manner and you call it love, you're going to hate her after, it actually would be the more natural emotion. To see the woman who you provide for giving herself to strangers or dudes who clearly don't give a damn about your security or needs emotionally or as a person, will generate anger, major anger that will want to harm someone, and if that is not a negative consequence I don't know what is.

That is why I am not of the school that condemns the porn industry, in my opinion the professional porn industry is responsible in acknowledging people have carnal fantasies that if not addressed responsibly will turn into ambitions unaware of deep consequence that will destroy and damage life completely.

My point is setting up a boundary of porn watching, with a decision, again helped by the higher power, to not then replicate the porn in the fashion of "more" is very wise, very powerful, and very honest.

Let's be frank, guys fuck pussy, and it becomes their property, like it or not women, we have no power over this truth. I fuck you, my mind says, "she's mine", even though I know outside of intercourse, nobody belongs to anyone else. My instinct says "she's mine" after I put my penis into her vagina, married or not, so it would be completely wrong of me to swing, cheat, or help others swing or cheat, not because of anything they are doing, but because I have a possessive controlling mind, and even outside of sexual activity, that is a problem, nobody wakes up and says "man, I hope someone controls me today or possesses me as property." If you are waking up feigning to be controlled or possessed as property, you're fucked up, and I mean that in the nicest way, but I will not contribute to controlling or possessing someone, even if they want it. That person wants the wrong thing, and that person is going to get angry at me for not providing wrong, but that person doesn't know there is real wrong that lies is some of us that will make the person fantasizing about being "wronged" wish they always wanted it "right."

I don't want those participating in swinging or cheating to think I am vilifying them, your prerogative is your prerogative, if you want to test emotion to see if it is able to be harnest in the interest of you telling it what to do good luck, but if you're provisional of sex and think about it more than not, chances are your emotions control you and you're emotions will have no mercy on you when times get tough and decisions outside of sex have to be made.

I am really "feeling" or appreciating these boundaries. The powerlessness, the higher power help, the action after those two, the inventory taking, the humility, the education seeking solution, all of it was beneficial, but this boundary creating is really making a difference.

I don't have to communicate with these selfish bitches unless God places me in front of their faces, and then they'll get an idea of the selfish bitches they are, and that is not my agenda, my agenda is to fuck selfish bitches, whose natural pheromones penetrate more so than a cock any day, but these selfish bitches will lose leverage if that truth comes out of their mouths, so I'll say it, stop fucking selfish bitches, they will kill you.

and they know it, but won't say it, selfish bitches keeping the secret to themselves, but us as guys created that monster, so we are reaping what we've sowed for centuries, but I'll be damned if a selfish bitch gets me by the balls, so fuck em all ways, fuck all selfish bitches.

(Ok, my illness just went crazy right there and I had no control over that impulse. I didn't mean that, and I would have erased it if it wasn't so important for me to be transparent and really show who I truly am as a sex addict. As I grow there will be no excuse for that hate and intolerance, but I am being raw and absurd like this, first unknowingly out of confused frustrations, but more so, so others can see how bizarre and much of a problem this illness is. One sentence I'm speaking like a Rhodes Scholar then the next sentence I speak like a vagabond sailor who has many demons. If you think it is weird, trying living with it, try being me for a day, you'd never make it, you'd have killed yourself a long time ago, but if you are like me, just keep doing one thing a day to get better, and ask God to protect you when you spat out evil like I just did. I honestly have no control over any of the demons, but I do have control over giving my life and actions over to God, and a great God who loves all mitigates circumstance unlike any other.)

Have a great day, and help me stop being such a selfish bitch!

Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Hate my Hate.

You know there is a perfectly good journal you could be using in your account. Then you could vent to your heart's content without ever triggering everyone else in the group.

Nightly Check In,

Tired. Exhausted. Need to become a better listener. I supposed I am not being considerate enough of triggering others, I thought I was just not hiding things, I guess the focus is on the negative and not on the positives.

I thought I made it clear in the entire post why I was doing what I was doing. If I use the journal no one will see the illness in action, I have reference it with God, I'm sorry if you're opposed to how my recovery is going don't read what I write.

Checking in.

Going to do more listening and less talking. Believe and Shanas have points, I suppose I should make a 90 day commitment and I should be more considerate of triggering others.

I guess I could set a boundary of no profanity or graphic depiction, however I am fooling myself if I think I can set a boundary of no computer or internet.

I'll pick the option that takes me away from the computer though. For instance yesterday I had a day to do nothing, and I choose to not be around computers rather than set myself in a place where there was a personal computer. I think that effort is honorable and will be supported by a higher power.

Have a great day.

Nightly Check In,

Tired and Exhausted. It was a good day. Starting to kind of get irritated and need to do some thorough inventory tomorrow, I'll let everyone know how it goes, after the morning check in.

Have a good night

Checking In

Hello, my name is Guhzoontigh and I am a sex addict.

I masturbate compulsively, to feel better, and have thoughts of having boundary-less sex daily. I obsess over women in lingerie who are promiscuous and radical every day. I am perverted, and I blurt out absurd sex centered phrases daily and think it is humorous. I often called women who are sexually attractive "god" and take it one step further by allowing them control over my decisions and will. Sexually I get excited by the thoughts and imaginations of people losing total control sexually and performing acts of sex that society disfavors. I am obsessed with unconventional means of sex like cheating, group sex, one woman having sex with multiple men, young men having sex with older women, younger women having sex with anyone, different races having sex with each other out of spite. I am in a constant state of agitation, irritation, disturbance, confusion, annoyance, displeasure, and contention daily. I watch porn, to find relief from this state of frustrating emotions and conditions, and have a general fear that one day I will just completely transgress and become a hate driven sexual maniac.

I have no power or control over my sexual addiction. Every time I listen to someone who doubts that or doesn't understand, and then try to accommodate their demand or unawareness, I constitute denial. When in denial all bets are off, and there is no telling what might occur in terms of compulsive sexual activity from then on. I "lose it" after becoming "excited" from the potential of rebellious of taboo sexual activity from thoughts, thoughts that I have no control over their creation or production, and that further creates a denial, because the thoughts are not only thoughts, they are thoughts that come with a persuasion to participate or perform the acts of sexual obsession created. It is almost as if I have an entity of not my own interest, but their own interest, constantly having dialogue tempting me to commit and act or provide a behavior that will gratify sexually from a sensation standpoint, but leaves out of the persuasion that there will be a negative consequence after. Some of my negative consequences are lack of brain power, poor judgement, extremist agendas, falsehood, dis-empowerment, acceptance of hate, distorted vision of who is good for my well being, a weak body and mid-section, high blood pressure, gaps in concentration, exhaustion, violent reactions, verbal abuse, unloving nature and the will to condemn, acceptance of evil and negativity, and complete removal of any grace or connection to God.

The summary of negative consequence my sexual addiction has given me is one big "cut-off" from everybody, the world, heaven, and God. I live in a mind state of hell, the production of my mind is hell, I have a cranium bound in hellish ideologies and means to understand, and the further I deny this, the more powerful the hell within becomes.

Disillusion, deception, and delusion have been a huge part of my life path, and it has left me broke, homeless, friendless, powerless, alienated, and completely unaware of how big a piece of shit I have made myself by not being able to solve the sexual addiction problem.

I have idolized the wrong people, mainly people in the spotlight who have "sold out" and I'd likely murder if I met in person. As brutal as that sounds, it is the truth, and if I keep that truth in denial, there will be no escaping the hatred of them, and just like I was cut off from God, I can accept I need to cut them out of my interest or attention.

I have deep resentment, great fears control without means death, can believe I a king and a peasant in the same sentence theoretically, and overall come a cream of the crop when it requires so to be considered selfish.

My insecurities allow the path to be paved for energy driven greed, relentlessly driven justification most would call jealousy, incredibly deceitful envy that picks and chooses who to hate and defame, lust that if harnessed would explode in reaction to being so, sloth that has no regard for helping or contributing, and pride that would make Hitler co-sign.

I do believe that complete disclosure above would legitimize my character as a major problem for others and society. Fortunately God still loves me, and there is hope from that reality, that I can be washed of all this "sin" and recover.

Thank you for letting me share my first step, all and any responses will be and would be greatly appreciated and respected as well.

Have a great day.

Guhzo,

I know I promised myself not to write to you, oh well there goes that thought.

You claim, yes I use that word that you have no power over your compulsion but I have told you gazillions of times that you do but since you already convinced yourself that you do not, then you do not. This is from a former addict who was in your shoes minus the warped scenes you are into, for 30 years, so do not tell me that I do not understand because I do, all too well.

I also understand that you must love the sex addict label, you say it often enough and it sure absolves you of any responsibility towards your behavior towards yourself and others. You know what they say, a lie said often enough because truth or even better, you become what you think about all day long. You are most definite the proof of what happens when an addict refuses to get better and thinks that porn is not all that bad.

Well is porn really not all that bad? Sure, it changes the way we think and process information leaving the addict unable to control his own life but to you it is not all that bad, right?

Saying there is good porn it would be akin to saying that there is non lethal nicotene, right? I am writing to you here to tell you that it would be a better idea for you to decide where you want to be.

Do you want to get better or do you simply want to keep the addict label. If you enjoy the label then use your journal to expand to your heart's content. We have close to a year or more of your rants, these are not check ins, these are rants, let us be clear. At this stage, you are simply repeating yourself endlessly? Are you not tired or bored with yourself yet? Do you not want something better?

After 30 years I had to make a decision whether to keep that label or not, well guess what I decided I no longer wanted to be that pervert no one wanted to talk to because I reeked of perversity by the mannner women were avoiding me, I no longer wanted to be a part of an industry that exploits others, but the best was that I wanted to live a peaceful and quiet life.

Make no mistake, you will never have that life so long as you love porn and not yourself. As long you choose to indulge til your manhood falls off from erosion, so to speak. Keep it up, pardoning the pun, but eventually, there will come a day when your manhood will not longer work at all. So keep that in mind, there is nothing good in front of you so long as you choose the addictive behavior.

You can curse me, call me names and even berate me and it will not bother me one iota, why? Because it will just be a reaction and it will be your ego fighting back. Incidentally, that day you have been fearing, it is here. So what you are going to do about it?

So there you have it, your healthy dose of tough love, given to you by an experienced seasoned elder so you stop whining about them not helping you,
Wolf (sober 5 and 1/2 years

I still do not understand why it is necessary for you to be so sexually explicit in a forum for sex addicts. Why do you feel to need to go there??? Use your journal to write those things down.
I agree with Wolfie completely! You seem to LOVE the idea of being a sex addict and you relish in regurgitating every detal here. I am beginning to believe that you genuinely get off on the idea that others are reading, but guess what??? You can here an echo on this forum because everyone else has completely left the room weeks ago.
I said it before and I will say it again, get some real professional help. You genuinely need it. You will never get off this hamster wheel until you find out why you are so tortured. The addiction is just a symptom. You have to find out why you do the things you do. PLEASE GET HELP!

Checking in.

Is there nothing positive in anything I've said the past year? Both responses seem to just key in on the negative things I've said, but I remember specifically trying to focus balancing every negative with a positive.

Wolf, again, your solution is a direct contradiction to everything SAA teaches. You're implied pressure is not the gospel you believe it to be, and I think you are missing the point of my commitment by showing up daily here, rants or not, and that does show that I want help, right? If I didn't want help do you think I would check in daily, even within acting out still? What person who isn't committed checks into the solution daily still acting out? Most people still acting out are like "fuck checking in!", so I am having a hard time assimilating to your appraisal because it is a fact that I address this illness daily, by sustaining a commitment to participate and check in.

I completely disagree with the last year has been total rants, I have integrated my other recovery into this recovery and to be described as all negative is just a lie, I have said many if not an equal amount of positive things geared towards recovery. Our difference, again, is you believe the addict has the power, I do not believe we have the power, right?

Both of you have completely missed the mark in your estimation that I am promoting myself as a sex addict with relinquishing fashion. My proclamation of being a sex addict falls along the line of honesty, concession, and admittance, to think you both believe me to be bragging tells me again, you're interpretation of what is being said is inaccurate.

The funny thing is last night I crawled into the same bed I act out in with the thoughts I would be doing so again with no power, and amazingly I simply did not, and drifted off to sleep. That required no "power" on my part, that was God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself, due to the commitment and continued work despite "failing" and there is a great chance it will happen again tonight. Don't forget, this is God's process, not mine, if it were up to me I would have ceased the activity on day one, that is the one thing people don't get, we have no power to stop, if we had the power to stop, we'd have stopped on day one.

Don't come at me like I am not wanting to stop though, I take high offense to that seeing that I check in daily, and recently two times a day, last night I didn't check in because like I said I drifted off into a very peaceful sleep despite the addiction telling me I would be acting out. Did I do that? No I didn't, I didn't use any power to stop last night, the process is turning in my favor. I think the main problem is I've ruffled feathers with my straight talk, and people don't like abrasive truth, that's the real issue, that real issue is I am as hardcore with the truth as porn is as hardcore with the sex instinct.

I admit I can be too graphic, and Shanas seems to be sensitive to this, and the dispute still exists whether or not this is honesty or attention seeking, and it is funny to me that even after I stated a willingness to stop being graphic, Shanas still had a problem with my language thereafter. That tells me Shanas's resentment has a problem with me, and they aren't seeing any of the positive things I've said, or anything positive at all. Sexual addiction and what it makes us is brutal and raw, and my displacement of this distortion and rawness is part of the process God wants other addicts to see. If there is a problem with it it is a problem with God's plan, not me, but people are too fear filled to confront God with their problems towards it, unlike myself, so I become the bad guy, because people aren't aware of their own lower characteristics, and again, it's easier for people to call me a problem, then to dig down deep inside themselves and realize them not wanting to hear the honest truth is the real problem.

Shanas says I should be using my journal to write, well it's not my journal on DS, and the people of DS still can read it, so it's not really as private as it seems, and the fact of the matter is Shanas isn't thinking that someone could read the material and it be helpful, as raw as it is, Shanas doesn't like what their eyes see, and that's Shanas's problem, I'm doing the will of God. Why are all other areas of my life, including relating to and treating women flowing like a newly faucet left on? Things couldn't be going better for me, yet you two are saying their is a problem, just because I am honestly working the steps, and filtering towards what I want to produce and what is not wise to produce.

I stand by my assertion that porn is not the problem, porn makes money, if anything this world that worships money is the problem, if money wasn't so powerful, all the pimps and porn producers would cut their workers and actresses loose in a minute without hesitation. Let's talk about the real issues, it has nothing to do with porn or porn producers, it has to do with man's appetite for wealth, and the world telling us all that to have money is to have power, so how could we be so ignorant to "throw the stone" at the people in porn who aren't bullshitting or sugarcoating the reality that money makes the world go round and will always make the world go around. Here's another difference, I'm the realist, others think ideals will solve problems. Look at Barack Obama, did anyone watch the SOTU address last night? Probably not, and do you want to know why? I'll tell you, people don't give a damn what BHO says because President Obama is out of touch with reality that ideals only sound good to sound good, there is a definite reality that has much more power than ideals, so don't vilify me for not having any fear to speak freely and instigate supreme truth.

Where are you at when you can't see I have been dedicated to improving for one whole fucking year, again despite a terrible inner voice of addiction persuading me (often successfully) that I need chemical release from watching porn. Have I not logged into this site daily the past year to be honest and share my experience? Have I not hid things and become vulnerable with complete strangers risking pissing many people off in the name of hopefully improving? Have I not showed amazing courage and disregarded pride to share what does and doesn't work? Most addicts would have never admitted failure when I did last spring after things were going so well? Do you know how difficult that was to embarrass myself with that disclosure? Do you know how hell driven that night was when I "broke?" No you don't, you threw me out of your plan like I was trash, then you decide you were better than me and I wasn't deserving of your help, and now to say I've run others off! I didn't run anyone off, they didn't like what they were hearing, again, because it is raw and God supported truth.

I am going to recovery with or without DS, if you notice, DS has no problem with what I say or am doing, and if they do I will accommodate that demand just like every other demand I've accommodated and consider.

I am tired of people in recovery insisting, usually through subtle bullshit and ego driven passions, that they have or experience recovery in their way on their terms. Do you think as a young man with more potential than all other classmates combined I had dreamed of waking up early every morning checking into a sex and porn recovery support group on a self-empowerment website? Do you think that is what I told my guidance counselor in school?

I see no mercy for the new or struggling person in recovery now a days, it's like Nazi Germany or Extreme Jihadist, everyone else is the problem when clearly killing jews and murdering people "in the name of god" couldn't be more of a problem. Having a problem with the person who is still struggling is a major problem, and I've done nothing to constitute an intent of problematic disposal, so how you like these apples, both of you are problems equally in proportion to my self's. When the last time you two checked in and bared your complete soul to strangers? I'll tell you when, never.

At least I am giving people things to criticize me for, I'm not such a coward that I shift focus or blame on to others, like a Hillary Clinton or any one of those other bitch ass pussy motherfucker Presidential candidates who if looked at squarely are the poorest class of representation every created or supplied in the history of history.

Now aside from the abrasive, some what hate filled, irresponsible, divisive, intolerant, unloving, accusatory, and probably wrong things I have just said, at least I am trying, so go fuck yourself and your appraisal of my progress, God loves it, so get over it.

You two can't even see you're own illness wants to get rid of me. Don't make me out to be the bad guy because your head wants to construct lies on how things "should" be when I am with clarity stating the state of things as they are.

So I challenge you both, let us hear some of your dark secrets, let us hear you're sexual challenges like I have spoken about my obsession with gangbangs and stroking older women. Since you two have all the answers, let's hear some things about you that make you vulnerable and the bad guy. I'm pretty sure the wager is towards the odds of you can't, because it would be too uncomfortable for you to be the same as me, which you are, and the only difference is I live for today, I live like I only have one chance and take risks, all you're doing is making others think I am the enemy when I am probably more so the best friend you could ever have, want to know why, because I have the balls to tell you the truth despite the fluff and the PC delusion we all think is reality.

5 years sober is hardly an elder my friend, and AA talks about "bleeding deacons" and "elder statesmen", Wolf I see your commitment and know you have the right intentions, but you're killing people telling them they have power. The addict is distinguished and saved because God knows we have no power, no power to stop the compulsion, we are only talking about the compulsion and the ability to stop, many people make the mistake of branching the power out to other problems outside addiction, if kept simple, there is no argument that we have power, if we had power there would have never been a need for AA or recovery to be created or instituted, we all would have just done it on our own!

I apologize for the cursing, the "go fuck yourselves", I should really be the one going to F*** myself, but I'm tired of consulting with God, then doing his will, and man and his "perfection" having a problem with it.

I will not refute what God tells me, I will not be contrary to his plan or will for any of us, and I have no solution for you if you have a problem with any of it, but you will hear me if you do, and that will create more problems for you, and before long you'll say, "what a solution that guy has become" and you're problems will tell you it is a problem, because problems don't solve problems, solutions solve problems, it's a lie I have not provided solution on this thread, and to say I am completely wrong and have been the whole time is another lie, so give me a break, what sex addict on DS do you know that is trying harder than me? Well I can't think of one, maybe wolf and a few others from the past, PaulGentry, Desigol sometimes, but most just stop participating, something I have not done, for one whole calendar year practically, again, despite complete failure, so I completely disagree with the appraisal again.

As far as the journal thing, Shanas, I told you earlier, if I am not 100 percent myself, how is another addict going to benefit from possibly seeing something to or not to do. Yea I could keep everything I think and do in a private journal afraid of "triggers" but that would be selfish, and the root of the problem is the selfishness, matched with a compulsion, not able to be contained with willpower, used in other areas. You just want me to do so, so you're ears or eyes won't be triggered probably, and in that case ignore me or start your own thread. Kim12345 started this thread, and tommorrow I'm going to start my own, with disclaimer, just to accommodate your suggestion Shanas, but this is just a case of people having a problem with me just because they want to. Again, pussy shit never to be proud of.

Tell Pope Francis and the Dali Lama I said so.

Have a great day.

Guhzo,

I am going to skip all the preamble and simply ask a few questions:

1) What are you so afraid of? Do not mind me, but if I were you checking in every day like you do, at some point I would realize, that perhaps what I am doing is NOT working because I have not changed much. So I ask, are you afriad of actually admitting that maybe SAA is not for you? It is not the last Coca-Cola in the recovery desert, you know?

2) What would you be without your label of sex addict? How would you feel if you suddenly realized that you do have the inner power to overcome the addiction, I know how that is, with power comes responsibilities and admission of full participation in the addictive cycle? Do you think that would be devastating for you or empowering?

3) Do you really believe that God would be that cruel as to show you towards temptation but also leave you there? Over and over again? Just to teach you a lesson? What kind of God is this you follow?

4) Lastly, what is the point of me sharing my sexual past in full detail? What kind of sick bonding experience do you want to have here? Do you think it would make you less of a pervert, like this is some kind of teenage contest? I refuse to partake in it for the simple reason that I am not into triggering anyone because I respect others and it has no place here, period.

So am I leaving you with that,
Wolf (5 and 1/2 years sober)