Checking in.

That is a good point Wolf, every time I make women my god, wrath and chaos follows. Disorder comes next, and it is hard to not accept it as punishment.

I do believe that to be a condemning God, if that is a God, so I have to understand that the illness is then God, when I choose to put an importance of women I lose control over from their beauty. Notice I said "lose control over" inferring that I still value controlling people. Not good.

Maybe I was born to "lose control" when focused on women I find deathly attractive. Notice again I said "deathly."

If I have an illness that I was born with, a compulsion that has no willpower to cease it's function attached to it, if nothing could be attached in the first place, how do I take responsibility for that? I can take responsibility to curb it's influence and persuasion, but I am still resentful at God for bringing me into this world as a sex addict. Seems like pure punishment to me, this illness is brutal, and I want to throw up everyday just thinking of myself and who I really am.

Step 7 in the SAA literature speaks about how when we surrender with humility the possibility of a life we couldn't create or think of on our own becomes real. My creation of a life or thinking of what a great life would be is being president, or a senator, or a representative, or famous and in entertainment. I then have a dark reality that keeps reminding me I might end up like a Hitler or something.

If I keep doing this, dedicating time to recovering, from both substance abuse and sexual addiction, I might be given a life that is far from all those just described, and I might actually be happy and free. If I am happy and free I can then be nice, kind, and pleasant to others.

I hope that happens.

I'm very terrified I am going to have a horrible life, and I think I am just a punching bag for God, I interpret daily life and the things that happen to me as God using me as an example to his other children of who not to be and who not to model themselves after. Does it serve a purpose, I suppose, but does it make me want to enact war against God, knowing I will lose but not giving a fuck because I will take some of his products out? Yes. That is a major problem, and I must be serving the wrong or fabricating an idea of God that is far from reality.

I have a concept of what I think God is, but I don't have a real concept of who God is. All the religions have completely confused me to who this real God is. Mankind itself has completely confused me to who this real God is. Who the hell is this real God! I'm laughing right now but I'm completely serious.

I need help in learning this real God, my ways seem to distance myself from him, her, it, whatever the hell it is. I used to think I was someone special to God, but I don't even know what God is, I was dropping knowledge left and right like I represented God, but now I see I don't want to represent God, I don't want to represent God because I don't know God, you can tell by my actions and the things I say, plus I only speak of God to be cool and because it is obligatory. God gets on my nerves to be honest.

God annoys the hell out of me, literally brings the hell out of me, and if that warrants punishment, then so be it, I've said my peace and that's about it.

I do need help, but how can I receive help from God if I have no clue what is Godly and what isn't, and also didn't man create the idea of God? So who is to say God wasn't just a creation of man in the first place, and the God is really man?

At least women are no longer my god, because they make poor gods, human women are terrible gods, if that hurts feelings then have your feelings hurt, it's the truth though, I'd rather pay attention to money and be miserable than take commands or orders from a woman, much offence intended.

You don't know me though, I'm worse than a snake, and I can say that with confidence, but it's all good, maybe God or the Man God has a miracle for me, but in the mean time, I'm over this belief in something I still am not convinced wasn't just created by man to make him or her more secure.

Ok, I'm done.

Hello...I am checking in....I was on the road for a few days....I pray for strength to stay on the path of recovery....and for courage to allow God's grace to work its miracle within me....wishing everyone a good day.

Checking in.

I was reading the eight step in the SAA literature today and it made a point I saw clearly in where I harm others by neglecting them.

It is a form of punishment, I am now seeing. I do it daily, if woman doesn't act like I think she should be acting I will neglect and ignore here. More so ignore her, I've done this since I was in my teens, like 16 or so.

I'll do it to 50 year olds, but there is a common denominator. The common denominator is I find them attractive usually. Now that I have a service attitude it's easier to push past this immaturity, however major neglect has occurred over the last 20 years.

LIfe is taking on new meaning by going out of my way to be sweet and nice to women, especially older women, also to let my personality not have any bounds or restrictions helps too. A lot of it is shame driven consideration of others, usually other men who also get hurt when I engage with their spouses or partners. It is very important for me to check my ego, and then ask the question if I have an angle of selfishness. When I treat the women like the ideal and show no reason why they shouldn't trust me, it's such a gratifying experience, and the guy sees that I am not a threat and he lets his guard down and becomes happy.

I am saying this because I deal with couples on a daily basis. I am finding there is a type of neglect I still contain when it comes to younger women, and this is a delicate balance too. The reason it is a fine line is the potential to decrease their self-esteem is always present with ignoring petty or catty ways. However I am not going to contribute to that type of competition. I like how the Muslims are taught to handle this, with their Prophet saying God wants them to tell their woman they are wrong when acting petty or catty, then denying them sex (possibly even love, but you'd have to ask an educated Muslim on that one), but I am not feeling the last one, and that is to beat them lightly.

This is a little off topic, but since the topic of Muslims in society is such a sensitive one, I am coming from a believe that only the Arabs can completely understand the religion and it is to be only heard in their native tongue. I am saying this because I read their holy book, but it was an English translation, so who is to say it was correct, but that is what it said when a woman is acting below her supreme character, that the person should admonish them, then deny them childbearing or offspring, and lastly to beat them lightly.

Us in the West, appreciate Marriage Counseling a little more than beatings, however it is so much more beneficial to treat all women with the attitude that they are very important, very valuable, very intelligent, and that we can't do without them.

I've lost because I think I can do without women, and they sense that, and then I suffer, so I guess that is true love.

I'm getting out of the business of neglecting women, even if it hurts other males feelings in the process, I can make amends to them after I show the women respect and attention, I"m going to bring chivalry back. I have nothing to lose, I forgot how much I love being nice and sweet, I forgot how whole I feel after I am nice and accommodating for others. I look like trouble, I'm dark, good looking, and very sharp witted, so I'm negative one before I even open my mouth. I've got to gain twice just to balance by being extremely unlike how people assume I am from my looks, or my disposition and character. I also have tons of energy, confidence elite professionals become jealous from, and can be extremely down to earth. People for some reason have problems with this, and it has to do with competitive natures, so it is very easy for me to go to war with them or show them I am not doing anything wrong, but it is a higher purpose for me to pacify them and teach them something in the process, like "hey I am too good and it is true, it's not too good to be true." I am this fucking awesome, you are witnessing an awesome person.

I do have a very deep dark side though, and it usually comes out when people try to control or harness my freedom or happiness. I am seeing it is a higher purpose for me to not neglect people's real fears of me, and to not neglect the awesomeness of women, it is such a greater earn than ignoring or 'admonishing them."

I will say I have no problem ignoring an unhappy married woman who needs to be saved, fuck that bitch. You should have said no. It's not my problem you were too insecure to earn on your own and you probably have Daddy issues.

Ok, I didn't need to drop that bomb, and that was wrong, so maybe I am not that awesome after all. How does one deal with a woman who feels trapped like that? I think that is none of my business, and I am constantly trying to evade or ignore the real fact that I am probably either going to be like Orson Wells in Citizen Kane or in love with America and Money. I am just angry also that there are spiritual laws like binding of marriage to ensure growth and family, if the women were to have said no, then the family might not have been sprung, and the world would have been less of life. I am being selfish because my out of wack sex instinct thinks there is nothing wrong with casual sex with married women, but that is just a function of fantasy, I am aware enough to know it isn't ideal and can ruin lives.

Well I've said enough, and I can't emphasis how getting all this out in the morning with the knowledge that I am just processing opinion that holds no significant danger to reality really helps.

Have a great day.

Hello.....I am checking in....I am praying to be of service to someone today so that I can reduce some of my self-centeredness....I am grafeful for my higher power, my recovery, my friends, and my gifts....wishing everyone a great day.

Checking in.

Things are going great, my love for women is really growing and I've had some very positive and understanding interactions with them recently.

That simple amend is overflowing to every other interaction with people, men and women, it is just really making a lot of sense to me how important it is to treat everyone with respect and kindness.

Couldn't be happier, and I also saw that there is a new member on this site so I am going to shift focus to them this morning and read their post.

Have a great day.

Hello...I am checking in....I am thinking about the connection between my own sense of goodness and my own sense to God...my dignity is intricately linked to my divinity...wishing everyone a good day.

Hello....I am checking in.....I am thinking about life and relationships...I think we are inherently imperfect, by which I mean, I have to recognize and accept my imperfections....and part of my imperfections is having innate restrictions on what I can do...I think part of really acknowledging my human limitations is to be reminded how much I depend on others for my life and all its creature comforts...the end of my limited capacity is the beginning of relationship with others...it is my false pride that tell me that I don't need others....and it took a deep level of desperation and pain (it seems to be this way for me every time) to realize that I need others....pride, how I defined it, is the inability to admit I have a problem, the inability to admit to my mistakes, the inability to admit to my shortcomings, and, worst one for me, is the inability to ask for help....the opposite of pride is humility...when I am in my moment of humility, I recognizes my intrinsic limitations and my need for help, which means, my need for other people...I think humility is my doorway to others and to God...I think God wants us to be in regular close fellowship so that we can develop the skill of loving our imperfections, first within ourselves, and then, loving the imperfections within others....love cannot be learn in isolation, we have to be around imperfect people who reminds us of our own limitations...I am learning this is part of life and of relationships....wishing everyone a great day.

.

Checking in.

It's a great day, I have no need or impulse to be opinionated or vocally critically. People become more interesting and important when I am not opinionated or vocally critical.

Pride is the bad adviser that needs to be reprimanded and removed. The key word is inability, and as addicts, especially sex addicts we do have the inability to remove pride on our own and we do need others to help us in this area.

Most importantly we need God's love in those same others to help us not make things worse.

We are bad people, but there is no bad to God, bad is a man made concept, love has no regard for "bad" so just love and you'll be alright.

Have a great day.

I do not agree with the concept that addicts are bad people, in fact that is the kind of thinking that keeps us stuck, addiction feeds on these negative feelings, it fuels it like a raging fire.

Nothing could be further from the truth, we are not bad people, we are people who have made seriously unhealthy choices who continue to make them because we believe the lies of the ego that we are bad people. We are neither good nor bad, we just are. Good and bad are judgment calls that are purely ego based.

Now after we come to terms with this illusion, we need to start behaving as people who are loved by our creator, when we realize we are loved in this manner and we dare ourselves to feel it, we avoid anything to stop that flow of unconditional love from within. I discovered that our creator is not a concept or a gender but an everyday experience, much like electricity, it turns on whether you acted out or not (unless you have not paid the bill) it has no favorites or opinions, it is love and nothing more, hence the experience part I mentioned.

The kicker here is that we also realize thaf it was our own ego that was preventing us from feeling it, believing all.those lies. Live and learn, uh?

Wolf (5 years sober)

Hello....I am checking in...I am thinking about my series of choices I have made in the past.....it seems to boil down to two things....if I want to feel good, then do good....if I want to feel bad, then do bad...my individual choices and actions determine a number of things....I am free to choose what I surrender to but I am not free of the consequences of my choices....I know when I am 'breaking bad'...there is something within me that begins to quiver...my moral compass...I know when I choose not to listen to it....it is when I decide to breach my own boundaries that I set for myself and begin to justify and rationalize my decision all within my mind....however, if I stay within my heart on a daily basis, moment to moment, I don't have that feeling of breaking bad, rather, I have the feeling of breaking good....wishing everyone a great day.

Innerquest,

My mother used to say, "To justify is to lie" and she was right.

Wolf (5 years sober)

Checking in.

Well I stand by my assertion that I am a bad person, plus a sick person, and the more I admit that, the more becoming good becomes important.

How do you explain my new found will to support women and not dominate them politically or in debate, if I hadn't found through searching that I was abusive and degrading towards them as a whole in many areas?

Most people would say a person who comes from the angle of abuse or degradation is a bad person. Hang out with me for 3 days, allow me to be unfiltered, and if you made it, then try asking honestly if I am a bad person or not, odds are heavily in the favor of you saying with no question, yes.

This is where I see most people struggle in recovery, their ego and pride cannot let them admit that they are scum, and screwed, and need a higher power to cleanse and re-build them. We sometimes don't realize that the only option when a natural defect overall like ourselves is required to function from dictates society creates as men and women, is to surrender to not just anyone or anything, but to a loving and very powerful God.

I'm bad, God's better than good, but also very good, so I think I will lose the war, to him, because that is where the real change will come. As long as I think I can do the Godly work, or function as a defect, I'll inherit nothing but more trouble, more frustration, more fear, more confusion, less peace, less understanding, and less of a powerful relationship with the creator.

I need to rant and rave so I'm going to write in a journal. I see what Wolf is saying, and it isn't necessarily healthy to as a value see ourselves as "bad" or not good, but the fact remains, at least if you live in the West, there is a real concept of good and bad, and the good will judge and label the bad, so for practical purpose, it's better for a person like me to accept others see me as bad, and that is just how it is, but maybe my "badness" will be the beginning of God showing them all he can reverse me into good? If I was good all the time where is the room for God to do the miracle and the work of making me good for all to see his power and love?

Have a good day.

Hello....I am checking in....I am thinking of my relationships.....those that I harmed and those who harmed me....it makes me think of forgiveness and trust...forgiveness is letting go of the past behaviour... whereas, trust has to do with future behavior....trust has be build over time...I hope I build and maintain my integrity where I am known to be a trustworthy person....wishing everyone a good day.

Ghuzo,

If I were to meet you, actually I would not have to I have read a lot of those rants and I have come to the conclusion that you are not a bad person but someone who has sadly internalized every single word said about him and to him.

I can relate to that because from very early on, I was told I was a bad kid, I would never amount to much and would you not know it, I lived it out to abandon and not surprisingly it also led me to make bad decisions, read unhealthy, had unhealthy work conditions, had extremely unhealhy relationships, unhealthy friendships. And the kicker, the addiction kept a tight hold on me for 30 years.

So during my recovery I discovered that a hell of a lot of people were lying to me, mainly my father's family, I was never bad but I was a self fullfilling prophecy and I was blindly proving them right but I decided to be the man God created me to be, I alllowed God to show me who I really was and here I am honest and forthright and fearless from what others say about me, the only opinion that matters to me about me is my own.

Since I now know exactly who I am, it does not matter what others may say or not say about me, I am not living my life from their opinions, but my life now centers from within. If I am not connected to God, I can now feel the diference and it is that constant connection that keeps me from indulging or making unhealthy decisions

It all started with letting go of the belief which was given to me by others, that I was a bad person. It was life changing which led me to take responsibility for my endless list of unhealthy behaviors and unhealthy behaviors and consciously choose healthier decisions and actions.

Wolf (5 years sober)

Inner quest,

You sound like you are at the place in your recovery that is starting to have empathy and understanding for those that your behavior has hurt. That is a huge leap ...good for you. I am not sure how much sobriety you have. For my husband it took about a year of sobriety where he could truly understand the pain his actions had caused. Trust takes time...a long time to rebuild...honesty...sobriety...recovery work...all show through positive actions that you have changed. They say it takes about 5 years for the spouse of a sex addict to trust again...5 years of sobriety and honesty. Being empathetic helps too. Remember this though just because those that you have harmed may not trust you doesn't mean that you aren't a trustworthy person....stay true to your recovery...