Checking in.

To see Wolf, Inner, and Kim posting good positive messages, my day couldn't have started better.

I'm a little humbled by Wolf's post, Inner had a great statement about farming the land we are given, and Kim is feeling like herself again. No need for me to mess that trend of happiness and honesty up with some rant, so I'll just not saying anything today, and I am going to focus on seeing myself as healthy with the potential to make unhealthy decisions.

Have a great day.

Hello....I am checking in....I am thinking of my daily choices and consequences...both good and bad...two questions I ask myself this morning, I) what is one thing I should stop doing?, and 2) what is one thing I should start doing?....choices based on Grace tells me to do something today that your Future Self will thank you for....wishing everyone a good day.

Guzho,

Keep working on those areas of your life that need tending. It is an ongoing task. I hope refraining from ranting and choosing to focus on your made a difference in your day. In time, you will see that image of health will become your reality. As they say, as man thinketh, so he shall be. Our thoughts become our reality.

Inner,

Making the right choices everyday (read healthy choices) make a difference in our recovery work. Every choice we make drowns out the urges and strengthens us.

Kim,

Congratulations on your first month. Keep that feeling alive by continuing the recovery work which will eventually become your sober life.

Everyone have a wonderful day,
Wolf (5 years sober)

Checking in.

I am going to ask myself the same question Inner is asking, "what is something I should stop doing?" and "what is something I should start doing?"

I am going to stop the rants. Complaining and belittling others is creating spiritual disease inside.

I am going to start meditating more, today I had a great meditation and connected with God well.

My mind was lying to me regularly, I actually am more healthy than I lead people on to think I am.

I am conscious of my diet and what to eat to have more energy, I analyze my self and creates changes everyday, I support myself, I do nice things throughout the day, I am focused on improving myself and then allowing that to influence and help the greater world and others.

The illness wants me to think I am a failure, so it can take even more of a foothold and ruin my life. Today I've prayed, read, am writing, meditated, and am about to have a good breakfast. I have to read an Act that is going to annoy the hell out of me (there I go complaining already!), but I have to learn as much of this law as possible so the condemnation can be as peaceful as possible.

Just kidding, no I have to learn the law so I can help others who can't understand it, it's a beautiful law and people need to know that more readily.

Have a great day.

Hello....I am checking in....I thinking of Mother Theresa's many sayings, one of which is "small actions, simple service, and deep love'"...I may have thoughts of acting out but don't have to feed them into an obsessive state...it truly is small actions that has helped me the most...whereas before, I would find myself, yet in another quagmire of my own making, subsumed and consumed by tyrannical desires...the simple action of phoning someone before acting out has, indeed, been a tremendous help...as the saying goes, you can't talk yourself out of problems you behave yourself into...small actions and simple service is deepening my love for myself and others.....wishing everyone a good day.

Guhzo,

I am relieved to know that you decided to stop your rants due to their destructive effects on your psyche and soul. All they end up doing is what you discovered, they simply rot you from the inside out.

Taking constructive steps or actions carry you a long way, eventually you will see the difference those seemingly small steps make in your overall well being.

Self awareness is key here, also.

Have a great day,
Wolf (5 years sober)

Inner,

Taking constructive steps and not feeding the addictive cycle are two of the most important steps you can take towards a successful recovery.

Self awareness pays off on that front because you can listen and feel your body reacting to your addicted based thoughts so you can take the necessary steps to avert acting out.

Have a great day,
Wolf (5 years sober)

Checking in.

I told God last night whilst doing inventory and communicating with him that I had to go because I wanted to focus and worship women, well porn stars.

I told myself through a rationalization that it was women I was worshiping, but it was really porn star women.

I am starting to get exhausted from all the acting out, and although it hasn't had the terrible effect it has had on me in the past, physically I am just not there. The SAA literature talks about how it drains our physical energy when we act out. I am supposed to be reading and interpreting important subject matter so I can fulfill God's plan, but I still am selfish in the degree where I just want to watch, have sex with, and depend on women. I have the mind of an immature child, more so arrogant teen, and it is going to take a long time for me to change.

I am powerless over sexual compulsion and sexual obsession. This makes my life less of what it could be, and I cling to people I don't have time to accommodate generally, only to get something out of them, sexual gratification. I am a major scum bag, I'm like that San Diego Mayor or Cosby or Clinton. I am aware though, it is not me, it is the disease I was born with, and a loving higher power will take care of it if I do my part. I cannot say with a clear conscious continuing to look at porn, even though there is no longer guilt attached and I have an understanding of it's purpose, is doing my part. I can say with clarity looking at porn and having sex with myself whilst, is not my part, that is my diseases part, and my disease doesn't care about anything but making me feel better and less stressed. Tons of stress is in my plan, it is clear, so my disease is ignoring God's will and my disease is getting in the way of the best life possible for me from God's vantage point. With that being said I do believe God has the best plan and I can be brought to sanity by listening to him over my disease, both of whom I do not hate however, and I think that is key in order to establish a more mature understanding of this significant problem for all.

I will turn my will over to God, I will turn my life over to God, and by doing this I realize I am making decisions to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. That means, since the illness is still a part of me, that I will still make choices based off the illnesses influence, the illness never leaves, I'll be a sex addict forever, and I can accept that, I see others thinking they can not be sex addicts after they admit them are sex addicts, but I know inside my heart and soul I will be a sex addict forever and it is ok.

It is not my choice to be a sex addict, I'd rather be a respectable man with a wife, multiple children, and a career I am effective in an receive honor from, lord knows I've tried, but I am not that person, I am a masturbator who doesn't have the quantity of love, especially since that quantity rests on zero, to love, I have no ability to love, unless I get to fuck, then I'll love you all day. How selfish is that!

I am selfish, and I am entitled from pride, I am envious and greedy, I am boastful and think I am superior to others, but I also have deep inferiority that creates enormous fears. I desire to control people both sexually and socially, I believe loneliness to be success, and I isolate as if I am actually receiving peace from the solitude, however what I am really doing is giving my illness the best possible opportunity to persuade me to act out. I am self-seeking, I don't care about others, unless they can help me get to the point of sexual release or sexual satisfaction, I am a ho and a whore, and that is just the facts. That is not demeaning, even though in a layman's sense it seems that way, it is the truth, and it sets me free to say so.

Now that I've admitted that to myself, others, and God, I can now be ready to have the defects mentioned above removed through a Godly care and love I have no idea will occur. Let me clarify, I have no idea how God is going to remove the defects, all I know is I am on board for them to go, and am willing to go through whatever to have them removed so I can live in God's plan more, and not in my illnesses plan and agenda.

I want to be willing to not be proud and genuinely have the humility for God to remove my shortcomings, but it is clear pride is really making my life worse. I still am going to humbly ask for God to remove the shortcomings, I will never survive what is to come ahead if I have these shortcomings and defects, and I believe God knows this, and I believe God's ultimate plan has me removed from all shortcoming and defect, and that is the best gift I could have ever asked for or received.

I can make a list of all people I have harmed, it will be short and take 2 seconds, because it is "everybody", and I am again, willing to make amends to them all. A short liability here is I don't know how to make amends for sexually acting out, and depriving joy from others by doing so, but with that said, I can try to bring joy to others, or I can spend more time with them, pay attention to them more, be invested in there lives, find things out about them, not ignore them, not demean them, pay attention, respect them, love them, like them, pay attention, contribute, there are many ways I can not be the entitled isolated asshole who thinks he is better than literally everyone in the world.

I could start by thinking I am not better than everyone.

Next I can made direct amends to those whenever possible, unless it harms them further, or it has a negative effect on others. For instance I want to go up to all married woman and say "I was wrong for wanting you over you staying true to what you are building in a family." That would hurt her spouse though, so I can just not seek married women's love sexually, and I can pray when I see one suffering from a bad marriage, needing help, I can let God intervene instead of my agenda to conquer and have power. Major scumbag, but it's ok, I have the desire not to be one, and God will do what he does best to love and care for that fact.

Now that I've seen I can make the amends, and will make the amends, specifically to the people I dislike the most, I can then continue to see on a daily basis "wrongs" or things directed by my illness instead of God's will for me, or God's plan. It is clear God's plan is for me to study constitutional law and to make lots of money in business. I am certain that is his plan, I'd bet the whole house on it. It is even more clear though, that God hasn't allowed this plan to be set in stone, and is giving me the free will to mess it up, and I am incredibly fearful that I am going to do so, and with that being said my real "job" is identifying wrongs and treating people like they are truly God's children, all the other stuff usually comes naturally, I don't have to spend much time on it, and that's my own blessing an talent. Finding wrong, identifying the communication my illness sends, and seeing God's will when obsessing over sex, is very hard though, and takes a lot of time, and is my real life purpose, to help others and to serve them is my real life purpose, but I can't do that without being clear and having an objective that is far from selfishness, I have to force myself to be unselfish. A real catch huh? Throw me back. Pure piece of shit, and it's ok.

After I have concluded that I have to do these ten things in order to see a clear life and a clear path to who I am and what I need to do, I can then continue to pray for the right things, and then receive guidance and wisdom from a power that is way beyond and more important than I.

Lastly, I can tell everyone I have wronged how they can get closer to this power, and how they can treat others better, even if they were a scum bag like me, who is a major problem for everyone, when functioning in his worst state driven by illness, he is unaware is doing the driving, because he is that much of an idiot and bimbo.

What a great relief to do those Steps this morning, now I have to perform them in the world today, which is harder than just writing them down, but A for effort each time an addict tries to do the right thing, and rewards do come if we try. Like John Mayer says, "Try!"

and like Lyndon B. Johnson says too, when you try and you can't do what you are trying to do, "Try harder."

You can do it, have a great day.

Guhzo,

Yoda said it better, "There is no try. There is do" and if what you does not yield the desired results, do something else every time until you yield the desired results.

Have a great day,
Wolf

Checking in.

First off I am powerless over sexual addiction. The component of powerlessness is a compulsion that doesn't have the ability to consider anything outside of satisfying perceived need. This selfish need, which is more powerful than a desire to stop, when both are exerted at the same energy level, lacks a willpower to exhibit self-control. Basically Basically I lose it when the opportunity to be sexual with something I find most sexual is ready and willing, and this doesn't regard the boundaries of marriage, morality, or love and respect.

Knowing this problem as both real and potential, I can certify that I am insane, or that my behaviors are not what society or normalcy would signify as normal or great judgment. Hmmm, let's see, I'd rather pound tight ass in the vagina than save the world, or at least to help make people happier. I think that follows along the lines of mis-judgment. I could either earn an orgasm and have some fun selfishly, or I could use that same energy to make lives better and help. Even more startling choice number one is both my decision and default summary, so I am screwed. Thank God, God hasn't sent an army of young, fun, dumb, and horny (or old, experienced, and aged) women my way, ready and willing. I have been protected and I haven't even been aware. I'd be a goner if I were rich and had loads of free time. Thank God I have the pre-disposition to have had been addicted to substances like alcohol and drugs, if I had endless money, and didn't have an inherent distaste for bars and social scenes, I'd be way worse off probably.

Not to minimize but currently I am only struggling with masturbating to professional porn one to three times a day. I do have the desire to be rid of this, and I am deciding to turn my will and my life over to God, because I truly believe God has something better in store for me than just a strong focus on perfect asses and tits, having sex like it was heaven. (forgive if this is triggering, I'll stop with the depictions.)

Now that I can say I want God to change me, I then can remind myself that I have defects of character that are pushing me in the direction of being more selfish than helpful. One if the poor judgment I stated above, and this is due to a silent agenda of seeking power, respect, and attention. I have this agenda because I want women to worship me, because I have been suffering from their intuition of my scumbaggedness, because they know I have the agenda of overpowering them and controlling them, and I think I need to institute that as a command or governing right. Extremely messed up I agree, however it is the truth, and I am set free every time I admit it to you all. I also contain very damaging characteristics such as greed, envy, hate, lust, self-seeking, desire for control, resentment, fear, thoughts of superiority, thoughts of inferiority, motivation to be lonely and isolated, and other's even more subtle functioning in a denial that again, ruins judgment.

Now that I continually admit these wrongs openly, I can then move in directions away from them, and then I can when the pain gets too overwhelming and the life too hard, ask God humbly like there is no other option, to remove all defects that are allowing me to seek selfishness over helping others.

I then can remind myself of all the people I hate, harness resentment towards, am afraid of, and would harm if given the opportunity to consequence free, and be willing to right that complete wrong, and not continue to wrong them in the future, if possible.

I then make the direct amend, when the present or opportunity from God arises, and I remember that I am doing that because they or you deserve it as human beings, and also to ensure to my own newly improved psyche that I am worthy of better things and not an obsession on being selfish sexually. Even if I don't understand why at first, in due time it will all make sense and inspire me to continue helping and not creating problems for others, no matter how terrible their actions are or how much of a problem them are.

Next I daily ask myself if I was wrong, did wrong, or want to do wrong. If am am wrong, I tell someone, and I also ask God to remove the wrong humbly again. I take action on what will make me more positive, and then I don't beat myself up or hate myself for the negative, I just accept it is my capability and I move on.

I then seek conscious contact, or inner dialogue with God, and even if at first there is no response or my illness is too busy chattering, I still position myself to hear the message of God, daily, because if I were to miss a message from God, for whatever reason, it would not help me help others.

Lastly I tell anyone who is listening and cares how to do this and how to not suffer anymore.

Be careful not to let the guilt provided from others to take ownership of you, usually others condemnation is a way for them to avoid their own liability and flaws. If you are doing the best you can, you're going great.

Have a great day.

Ghuzo,

Not to nitpick but I think it would more beneficial if we were to ask where we derailed our healthy goals or even as what prevented the goal from taking place.Even ask how we can do better next time can be extremely useful and even more useful to be open to the answer, even if the action seems painful to execute because it involves letting go of fear to change.

Wrong is a judgment call and it leads us towards guilt and shame which we we all know are the addictive mind's favorite snacks, as it were.

Have a great day,
Wolf (5 years sober)

Checking in.

Wolf, so you are saying I need to ask where I fell off course? Is that what I hear you saying? Also you are saying I need to identify what prevented the healthy path?

Then be open to the answer even if painful?

Well I can honestly say I am willing to do that. I want to go on to better things than porn and masturbation.

I can remember where I went wrong, it as when you and I were having daily talks and when I was doing very well. I was living at a place with other people, and I remember thinking the best way to cope with a difficult person was to act out.

I guess where I am going wrong is I don't know how to cope with difficult people other than escaping the memory or interactions with them, and one way I do that is to escape to the world of fantasy.

I do need a better way to cope with difficult people, for some reason it seems I have to be around them though, and I have to deal with them on a social basis, do you have any suggestions. This is wrong and criminal, but I would really like to just off them. I'm sane enough to know that is not acceptable or allowed, so do you think I should practice more detachment? Do you think I should pray for them more? How can I tolerate the difficult more? Loving them is out of the question, outside the bounds of willing to do so, I am reacting very severely to difficult people and it is killing me on the inside, the acting out is providing temporary relief that is better than nothing, what are you thoughts?

Have a great day.

Guhzo,

Thankfully, this is an area where not only I have a lot of experience but also I did a lot of work to get where I am: difficult people

First a background so you can see how I got to where I am now: dealing with them without much fuss

For most of my adult life, I had the same boss, an extremely narcissistic, cruel and sadistic boss. For all of those decades, it seemed I was at his mercy, and at the mercy of everyone else

Until one day, two years into my sober life, I discovered that I had been the one who had allowed them to ruin all my days and I was their willing hostage because the addiction had taught me that I was worthless and my guilt/shame cycle was helping in adding encounters of the nasty kind

After I regained my sense of self and realized that nothing anyone does has anything to do with me and everything to do with them. That my negativity and my own negative perception of myself were instrumental in my victimization and once I stopped the narcisistic tendency to think everyone wants to mess with me, the encounters became less frequent

So now what happens? Say I see someone doing something I find irritating. Depending on the situation, say someone is talking loudly on the phone and seems unaware of it, I ask the person if he/she is aware that she is broadcasting her private life for all to hear, and depending on the context I inform the offender that I am not the only one who knows where they live or other details to pay their abode a visit and leave the abode bare.

In other words, I deal with them, like I dealt with you, I concentrate on the offense but I do not attack them, I simply hone on the offense. Like I did with a worker of mine where after mistakes were made, I knew I had to address it but I addressed the mistakes, not her. Now, she is more aware and is trying to improve.

As for you, I used to use those irritating encounters to, also act out for days on end. Note the wording, it was because that is how I learned to deal with my frustrations but while in recovery and abstinence, I could not act out so I had to learn to feel these uncomfortable emotions and learn to love myself because loving myself would make it impossible for anyone to ruin my mood, taking me off the hostage list, I also had to forgive myself because there was no reason for me to condem myself for not knowing better but now that I do know, I do better but let us say, I slip and let my ego loose, I simply admit it and carry on and promise myself to do better but this time I am more aware

I no longer react, I no longer see enemies but people who either have no idea of what they are doing or know better and choose the unhealthy behavior because it is easier but it is not my job to fix them, my job is to show them a healthier way with my actions not reactions

I cannot ask you to love them but I can ask you to see yourself as God sees you: whole and complete and in time, as I did, you will see how those seemingly impossible interactions change for the better but be patient with yourself and others.

Recently I had 2 packages not getting to me. I am still annoyed but in dealing with the powers that be in locating them, I have been firm but polite, why? Because, I would rather be happy than be right.

Have a great day,
Wolf (sober 5 years)

Checking in.

Small world, I also have two packages (one actually is a piece of mail) floating around in the carrier world of postal due diligence, that I eventually will have to address.

Well I think all you said, and keep in mind this is the first time I was able to concentrate and not buck at your suggestions or commentary (I hope that isn't taken personal), but I actually heard and listened this time, hit the nail right on the head, and it is clear I am being challenged by God to feel my feelings instead of numb them with the act of acting out.

I like what you said about patience, I have been labeled as having "none" humorously by someone I respect deeply, and it is time I start listening. You know I was watching porn yesterday, and I started laughing hysterically at the women, more so the women's sexual compulsion to throw caution to the wind and be completely free sexually. We both know if addicts, great consequence on the inside follows when we do this, but it was as if I had turned delirious, and their actions were very humorous to me, the laughter was uncontrollable. I found this morning within thought that I was laughing at their exploitation, and I am clear enough to know it is wrong to do so, however I am sick enough to not have an answer why it is wrong, it is just a spirit on the inside allowing me to know it is wrong to laugh at another's inability to control oneself.

I think I was laughing as well because I could very well be them, I do that when it comes to sexual compulsion and sexual addiction, I lose it, and become lust personified, so I now see the genuine need for recovery, just like with my recovery from alcohol and drugs, I was a threat to the stability of society while practicing drinking and using, now that I don't anymore genuinely, I am no longer a major problem for many areas of a peaceful society.

With the sex addiction, I am a major problem currently for all women, because I think, from watching so many sex addicts in porn, that all women lose control sexually, or that all women don't have modesty or aren't sexually responsible or perverted.

While watching the porn yesterday I was hit with the realization that the women performers, "weren't normal" and that "these are abnormal sexual instincts I am witnessing", this whole time I thought people like us were normal!

I was struck with the realization that these women, and men, are sick, and kind of sick like "what the hell is wrong with you?" (myself included), and thank God I continued to do the steps of SAA while still acting out, because now I have the knowledge that the sickness stems from birth, it is not equipped with willpower, it is grounded in compulsion, and other defects most of us are unaware even are occurring, and God can and will save the day, and make sex a whole lot better if we are willing to change, and are willing to love a little more, instead of lust.

The funny thing is I could still experience the love, within the lust, the people I feel sorry for are the ones who are cut off from the love, and only are functioning from the lust. Those are the ones who really need God and support, I by doing my alcohol and drug recovery, and by then aiding that with the SAA recovery practice, still had the channel open to God, so it wasn't just lust functioning, under the lust was the option to hear God's judgment and guidance, the ones who have cut themselves off, really are the ones who need God's help, and God is all-powerful and loves to help those who give up on him, or her, or it, whatever, and now I am just rambling, so I will stop.

Thanks Wolf, I think I am ready to really start listening to you without questioning or negative contention, I've had plenty of pain, and I think I am going to decide to go in the opposite direction.

Keep showering us with all the wisdom,

Have a great day.

Hello...I am checking in....I am thankful for the opportunities placed in front of me as well for my talents to act upon those opportunities...I realize in the past that I have missed many such opportunities and I did not use my talents in a wholesome manner....today, I want to be of service to others and not self-serving....wishing everyone a good day.