Checking in.

Last night was successful. There were a number of videos I saw on YouTube addressing porn, some from therapist and some from scholars, this helped.

I just went to YouTube and typed in Sexual Addiction. There are lots of non-sex addicts willing to help, and also working hard for people like us as a choice.

No longer being persuaded by denial has really helped. A lust driven delusion propelled by a fundamental rooted in denial is no good. No matter how sweet it can feel, no matter how fairy tale-ish it might become, I am seeing anything constructed with denial in the picture is not worth it's salt.

Shanas asked me what my plan was. My plan is to give the whole plan to God, and take actions that I believe would please God. I am powerless, so creating plans on my own as an addict will never be as good as the greater plan of God. As a matter of fact, it will be directly contrary to any plan of God's if I do use my own self-will and self-reliance to create a "successful plan." I am not going to appease non-addicts who don't get it, with some pathetic manipulation or production of BS to gain their approval, just so they don't have to hear real truth. Real truth is often very ugly.

This therapist was talking about principles of staying mindful, acceptance, acknowledgment, sustaining a solution of staying in the present, etc.

Part of my "plan", since someone believes my plight too much of a burden to support me by holding me accountable, is to educate myself about the physical reasons in our brains that makes the addictive process so uncontrollable and problematic. This is the second time I have heard about the mid-brain, and how the mid-brain doesn't have the ability to rationalize or reason. The mid-brain says do, and then the instinct does, for instance the mid-brain says, "eat" and we search for somewhere to eat. The mid-brain, is responsible for receiving dopamine. Everytime we watch porn, powerful surges of dopamine are shot into our mid-brain. The mid-brain is so engulfed in euphoria when this happens, it doesn't have the ability to consider consequence. For instance, whenever I see gangbang pornography, I get a huge surge of dopamine shot into my mid-brain. The mid-brain when I become bored, lonely, angry, stressed, tired, etc, tells me it needs a shot of dopamine from viewing gangbang porn, or else we will perish, or something bad will happen.

The therapist was alluding to the distortion or disproportional of dopamine having an effect on the front of the brain, that has the power to rationalize and provide a preview of consequence. For instance my mid-brain has convinced me that gangbang sex is more normal than traditional sex between a man and a woman. I can see, since the denial has been breached, that gangbang sex being more normal than sex between a man and a woman is a fallacy.

My mid-brain is lying to me to get more dopamine! I have a crack-addict mid-brain acting real shady right now, and simply it can't be trusted. If normal occurances of pleasure like walking in parks or going to the beach or paying for someone elses dinner take the place of abnormal occurances of receiving or the production of dopamine, I do believe I will make more decision with the complete brain and not just the mid-brain. This information allows me to see that we truly are using just a portion of our brain when we manipulate life to give us more dopamine than God's will or the ideal life path sees good for us.

The difference between the alcohol recovery and this sex addiction recovery is most alcoholics in recovery go along the assumption that anything non-alcoholic can't possibly help. Not everyone has an allergy to alcohol it's true, but everyone has experienced lust. I think the difference between normal lust and sex addict lust is the denial. The factor of denial is so important I am seeing. The denial really is the deceiver, like the Christians speak about, the denial keeps the addict who acts out in the dark about the fact that acting out is the exact opposite of what should be done if one is to maximize life's potential and success.

Normal people accept the lust, and accommodate the demand to deal with it, usually just acknowledging it's ocurrance and then moving on. The addict seems to get stuck in the denial, then being stuck in that denial festers more denial, then eventually the addict is completely blind to the fact that he or she is is a shit storm of denial. Then that leads to delusions of grandiosity that coincide not one iota with true or honest reality, and the addict alienates him or herself naturally from others because it produces only non-realities or falsehood.

I don't see how fantasy could benefit an addict, unless the boundaries of knowledge that fantasy is separate from are well established and formidable. For me I am seeing fantasy is definitely middle circle behavior, and probably inner circle behavior in reality. If I need to "spice things up" in any relationship, I'm just with another person I wish was my soulmate and not my real soulmate, if it is my real soulmate there is no need to spice anything up, just being with them is the spice needed and comes without even trying to spice anything up. The energy of being with the true partner or soulmate supercedes all the needs or practices of being more connected as mates, I guess that is demeaning to those who "work at" their relationships, I am sexually anorexic because loving someone as a soulmate seems way past having to work to get along with a partner. I shouldn't have to work at anything if it is my true soulmate, being with the true soulmate should banish all work and it should be nothing but stress free relief.

Key word is should, and a person like me has no interest in investing in more work outside of work in a marriage with a person who I am supposed to be a heavenly partner with. If that is the case, why don't we just start calling our wives our bosses? You have to work to accommodate a boss, within the traditional means of work, so it's double the work, and then to add more work on top of that, just to accommodate a partner, where is the love? Love shouldn't be and wasn't designed to be that much work. Love was supposed to be the absence of work. LOL!

Crazy world.

Well I just want to say, as a minor contradiction that is sure to confuse someone, nothing pays off like hard work.

Have a great day.

www.yourbrainonporn.com

I must have typed in that link a hundred times. I cannot stress enough how helpful it is. It will be a lightbulb moment when you realize why.

Checking in.

Last night was successful, much to the dismay of a terrible evening at work.

Last night was a success, I feel much better today, I still am irritated by other people, some of them are going out of their way to make life harder, time to remember the point of denial. The point of denial is that I can cope with others hatred, others will to harm me, others evil. The fact is I cannot, and I react extremely negative to others hatred, and I am struggling with being a pacifist.

I think I might be functioning too much in my ego, I am functioning in a narcissistic mode others are offended by, even though I am not even concerning my thoughts with how they think, because I know their input isn't constructive.

I don't know how to deal with people who aren't constructive in a healthy manner, the only option for me in consideration is to create bigger deconstruction for themselves and hope they become harmed, with the belief that might change their initial reasoning. This might be delusional and this might be a product of denial, however I don't believe deep down inside I even have to fight the battles.

One my primary irritations is a continual denial of happiness from others imposing their will on my life. Our life provides for the pursuit of happiness, and often that road is being unpaved, if even created, lots of cock blocking if I could just be blunt. Coming across the paths of major cock blockers, little girls who think they are men cock blockers.

So I say to myself, "Do I cock block?" The answer is no, I might be aware of being worse of by not being the center of the desires attention, however I don't have it in me to cock block, I don't find it beneficial to intervene in woman's judgment of pairing.

The problem is I want to punk cock blockers, and see no reason why a cock blocker shouldn't be punked, like the little bitch that he is. Little selfish cock blocking bitch who wants to be a man, showing out and running his mouth like he actually is a teacher. These cock blockers are the reason why women are extremely frustrated and finding relief in the devilish desires of dudes who don't give a fuck about boundary sexually. So you got the cock blocker vs. the over liberal sex mogul who fucks anything with a pretty face, submission, and a need to get paid, in various ways. What a choice for these women huh?

In denial can I do much about it? No. Out of denial can I do anything about it? Well out of denial I don't want to do anything about it, because I don't have to do anything about it, if someone wants to waste their time destroying by cock blocking, that's their prerogative, and good riddance to their festering of immaturity and development of poor character.

In regards to my denial and my delusion, I know it is wrong to block the cock, cock blocking on a G, making me resort to a D, in the end pissed and lonely.

I don't know how I got off on that. Last night was good, learning about the medical details of the addiction is really helping, it makes the most sense.

Usually when I am this angry, frustrated, and irritated, it is my ego that has shifted itself back into the drivers seat without me knowing. How can I decrease my ego today? I don't know to be honest, and I don't know if I can either. My ego was born to function, and function at the highest level possible, so it seems futile to try to suspend or thwart it's processing.

The important thing is I had a successful night last night, now I'm expecting someone or something to have a problem with that, and that is reality, and I should be able to just eliminate them from society, due to the transgression, but I don't have that power, whether it is constituted from within or by choice.

Checking in.

Not a successful night last night, I had a good day and decided to celebrate. I will say I went with the middle circle behavior, giving myself to an older woman, and that made things more enjoyable. The guilt of letting younger women down wasn't present after. I suppose the guilt of not supporting and older woman and the sick joy I get from an elder losing control sexually is the real problem. In the denial I don't see the lack of control as a problem, because women losing control sexually and embracing gratuity sexually is a high for me. I must get dopamine shots everytime I see a woman "acting" like a whore, but not so much acting, becoming a whore, in the traditional sense of the word, which is really just experiencing lust that pushes anything else detrimental out of the way.

This beautiful woman that I was watching seemed to go in and out of dopamine shots herself though. While performing she seemed to be not impressed on moment, then suddenly become very engaged and energetic in other moments. I think healthy sex would be a more balance sustaining of pleasure, in where the whole time it is one constant pleasurable and freeing experience, as opposed to zones of in and out (no pun intended) of feeling awesome then feeling dull.

The surge of "what the fuck have I just done" for the women actresses must be overwhelming and the reward for the act of compulsive sex on set. Even though the reward they provide for us, as spectators is much appreciated, I am starting to see the selfishness in the actresses pain of disappointing themselves not being a problem as long as I "earn" my orgasm. Basically I whist acting out don't give a damn if the woman is being scarred or broken mentally by her own decision to have questionable sex for all to see through entertainment production.

The denial pushes thoughts to my head that it is ok for another to suffer, as long as I am not suffering, and also there is a minimization factor or rationalization that it is no big deal for me to gain while another is harming oneself from doing exactly what I gain from. The healthy approach to the guilt this provides in me, because deep down inside it kills me to see someone disappointed in themselves when or if they are struggling, is to ask for the opportunity to communicate with the women more, and to start honest dialogue about how I can help. If that includes not enabling them to perform by not paying attention to them and/or masturbating to them have sex, then I will be willing to be willing to do that.

Through all of my research, and the things I have listened to the past couple of days, I think the common problem to this is everyone is fearful to speak of this problem we clearly all secretly, with the exception of some, hide. The stats say it loud and clear, porn and sex make up a huge part of the internet, meaning more than a billion people have an interest in it, and it is not just some taboo subject that people can ignore. It is clearly shaping our society, and if you listen to some people it is helping, and if you listen to others it is harming. I think if the basis for the discussion aims to be honest, denial disapproving, and healthy, free of anger and judgment, we can all understand how to cope or believe in it better.

For instance if you listen to feminist you'd think porn is one step worse than the devil himself constructing deception, if you listen to people who have grown a mature understanding with acceptance of sexuality and how to honor it, porn can be very helpful.

Alcoholics Anonymous warns us as alcoholics we should stay out of this debate, because it really does fall along the lines of the classic liberal vs. conservative agenda.

I do know at some point there will be a trend for women to wage war against porn, we are already seeing the method of fighting fire with fire in society, Hillary Clinton will probably address it if elected, however that will just instigate the people who have benefited from healthy fantasy and healthy sex, which could and does include responsible and respected porn use, to come with evidence of how it has helped society, how it decreases unawareness, makes people closer, makes the subject of sexuality more open to discussion.

If you think about it, puritans where marrying 14 year old girls, not thinking one ounce of it being bad, and now as a consensus we all agree, well most of us, that marriage shouldn't happen til after 18. Do you think the guys back in the day marrying the 14 year old young women were requiring the women to wait four years to have sex? You're crazy if you do, and the fact that underage sex is addressed and the further fact that as a society we have denigrated marrying minors to the status of illegal, was the solution, it never would have become a solution if the issue of having sex with 14 year old young women, even through marriage, wasn't dealt with.

My point is I don't think it is a wise solution to have a reverse witch hunt and blame porn as the problem, the more I see our secret misunderstandings and lack of communication of how fascinating porn is to us all, especially those who claim religious or "right", the more I see the need as a society to address the medical information found so far, and the broken relationship men and women have as a whole with both sides not willing to compromise or talk frankly about.

Why are gorgeous women letting us shoot sperm on their faces? Why are men who make great leaders choosing to spend all their time chasing younger less intelligent or less ambitious women? Why are our young kids choosing to see Debbie Does Dallas via the internet, rather than professor so and so of Stanford describing principles of biology for free also on the internet? Why do we focus on the Kardashians who clearly aren't scholars as opposed to men and women dedicated to improving this world through hard work incognito daily with no attention in return? What is wrong with us that we have to use porn to just get through the day sometimes? It's not entirely the porn like the war on porn argues, just like for the alcoholic it isn't the alcohol entirely. If it were the alcohol everyone who drank alcohol would end up being a bum headed for jail or the psyche ward. I know tons of people who drink two drinks, then call it a night, and wake up the next day refreshed on top of their game.

No disrespect to the Kardashians but all that shit is sold already before it hits the market for others to buy it. That is a form of fantasy and denial itself, nobody really gives a fuck if the younger Kardashians are earning interest over night like fire spreads, but nobody is talking about how all that success if fabricated really, it is all really an image substance bought already, fueled by capitalist that force the viewer to only focus on sub-par actually un-elitist behavior, bush league entertainment, promoted like it's the most important information in the world.

Two of the gayest baby names in the world don't signify good judgment, obviously that deluded state of agenda has it's own denial attached to it, and I believe that a bigger problem than porn. If both the younger Kardashians weren't Kardashians, they'd just be two normal looking girls with above average looks young men would be trying to fuck, living everyday lives. What have you done besides be a Kardashian? You're living off your Dad's name, who started the fame in an infamous fashion, linked to murder, if you really want the truth, fucking up the whole game of fashion and entertainment, classless to the point of having to buy attention, with a patriarch who seems to have been way too influenced by the estrogen he was around constantly living with those broads, and you expect me to pay attention? Well you're barking up the wrong try, and in fact I'll fall on you if you don't get to steppin, but I have to say "I love the Kardashians." I could very well be the Kardashians, and they aren't doing anything wrong, the problem with all of what I just said isn't the Kardashians, the problem is my problem with the Kardashians, I don't care one bit if the Kardashians care about me or care about what they are doing, the problem is what is on the inside of me, not what the Kardashians are producing. If you notice I made no reference to how worse the Kardashians could be doing.

Damn, I got lost in the writing, have to go.

Take a look at my post from the past two days, and then look at this one, it is much more brutal and misunderstanding, and there is a link between the porn I viewed last night and what I am saying today. Most of it is coming from a general frustration that this society has created a silent law that talking about real problems is not productive. We have constructed a silent law of bullshit. Complete bullshit is our societal law.

Have a great day.

Checking in.

What can I do about exhaustion? Because it is trying to maneuver it's self to have a bigger impact on my day than need be. Well I am doing something huge towards eliminating the effect of exhaustion right now by writing, and also I have already had a morning centered on becoming more spiritual. I will go to a meeting later today, I will consider eating right, and I will rest later.

Today whilst getting ready I had a strong surge of positive thought that my negative thoughts are creating internal pressure my body isn't fond of.

Yesterday I instituted solid strain on my core with a great amount of spending, so today I need to curb that desire significantly, just as a precautionary approach to less irritation. The demand for me to spend the exact same amount might arise, but the choice to do so will be greater with a less importance on outcome. One thing I have to beware of is taking part in the deception that I can impact the outcome of all my decisions. What that does is assume that I play a larger role amongst men and women than I do, an ego driven way of doing business that will not warrant great return.

How much of an impact is my resentment(s) have currently? Not very much compared to how they have been, I once had no other option of getting my way, which more than regularly included others bowing to my wants and demands, I've found that to be Godless as I improve, and to lessen the demand, and to give more freedom to others is a great accomplishment that strays from resentment. Resentment will allow a dormant denial or delusion more power to deceive or become deceptive. How am I doing with my desire for control? Well I know that it is just as good an option to not demand a necessity for control, and I know others can suffer from my control having a role in their plans, so for me to recognize the damage my will driven control can create, is growth and production. How am I doing with my attitude of entitlement? I can confidently say I don't "deserve" or "am owed" shit, everything I hold dear to me and earn, I have to work for, for me to be given things I can work for on my own, harms my respect for unselfishness, and it also allows me to build my character in a heavenly direction. How am I doing with my feelings of superiority and inferiority? Well I am allowing others body language and communication to dictate how I feel too often I understand. A healthy reasoning that is focused on ignoring anything snaky or fear driven from a stand point of perceived authority is good for me, it allows me to focus on not focusing on bullshit or immature personalities with their own feelings of superiority and inferiority.

I still have some fears that when confronted don't add to effective relating with others to make the world a more acceptable and even lovable place.

I have a major obsession brewing with two women who are in relationships that it stealing energy from completing this process of becoming whole. It is important for me to break the denial that I could possibly say no if advanced towards, but for me not an interest is even more difficult because my weaker character shows it as disrespectful and dishonest. It's actually more disrespectful to aid in a process that would require they choose and "home wreck" and it is dishonest to think splintering a union is more Godly than preventing one from breaking up.

I will turn beastly as a reaction, that is my addiction displeased not getting it's way, not allowed to conquer and hold the concubine like some property, completely wrong, completely tyrant-ish, no big deal though.

Well some might say it is a little bit of a big deal, but what i'm saying is it becomes less of a deal after I release my initial desire is the worst option.

Have a great day.

Checking in.

Am I doing things that go contrary to the desire of my compulsion with lack of willpower as a sex addict? Yes.

Am I perfect at doing it? No. Is that ok? Yes. Am I fooling myself if I think I can do this on my own, without God, without what others have to say, solely with morals and doing the right thing? Yes I am fooling myself if I think I am bigger than sexual compulsion, obsession, and addiction.

They call him the Almighty for a reason, and that reason is he solves our problems for us, unbeknownst how to all men, and is the real solution.

I am seeing it regularly people's godless directed will making plans and designs that lead them to disappointment, then pride allows them to blame others, shifting the focus to the real problem, a lack of love towards God.

Have a great day.

Checking in.

I have been feeling strong harm from the desire to isolate and loneliness.

I need to take more advantage of opportunity to be around others with the same goals as me.

That only problem is I know no one who has the same goals as mine. I actually am second guessing my goals, and I found recently that lowering my demands of myself works. I am still trying to align myself with the idea of normality in society. I am still battling the denial that I am not normal.

When I shift my goals to agendas of seeing clearly, growing in character, understanding more, loving without conditions or requirements, being opened to others being who they are, life just is more tolerable. All my former goals seem immature and wrong, and it becomes null and void what I am striving for with a personal agenda, then relief ensues.

I understand that right now as I type, I don't have to criticize, and I don't have to share an opinion either. I can accept my harm, I can accept my pain, I can accept how I cause problems, I can accept I fail in relying on myself to get the overall job done. What I am getting at is I have been forgetting to allow God to lead the day, and I have been forgetting that God is the one with the key to everything I need to know.

This new God that has been with me the whole time, if the paradox is pardoned for a moment, is very non-judgmental and supreme for lack of better terms.

I think it is so important to let others know how harmful any type of selfishness is for the true addict of any kind. This is not an accusatory sort of selfishness I am speaking of, this is the "me first" mentality that if looked at honesty, ultimately creates a "me only" attitude. Fundamentally being alone is not a universal truth, even existing in any type of spirit makes more than one, and if you're like me you do your worst thinking alone, so the authors are not just speaking to speak when they say the illness creates best in isolation. That is why contributing, participating, making oneself available, showing up, being a part of is so crucial to developing a spirit of happiness.

I believe it is important for the addict to do as much self-examination as possible so he or herself can see the truth on how one actually acts, much to the opinion or input of the sick mind's info. If one asks God to show ones true self, then also asks for the support and healing after one sees this truth, recovery can really take off. If one feels they aren't problematic, and just getting away from others will solve the day, it will temporarily, possibly, however that is still placing the blame on others, who sometimes know not what they do, so beware of not tolerating the pain that being around those who might irritated and cause distress constitutes.

I am fairly depressed this morning, and I know that is not solution. I am lacking in gratitude, and in my inventory process I have been excluding the assets portion, because my alpha male agenda feels anything enjoyable can turn into a liability. The fact is I have grown so much in such a short amount of time and work so hard on maintaining and improving the equity of my recovery that I forget life is not just one big suffrage.

16 months ago I was wandering the streets of Houston, Texas with dirty jeans on, a shirt someone had given me, worn down shoes, no socks, no shower in days, a wallet with no money, no phone, no car, no home, and that is it. I had nothing, and I had no one to help me, and I was truly left for dead practically. It was the worst night of my life and I got the help I needed from the city, I had to persuade and officer of the law I needed confinement after my illness pitched me to end it all because it saw no other option. Well that was my evidence the illness is completely wrong, when giving input, so the action away from what the illness requested, ending it all, was the beginning of the change.

Fast forward to now, after months of humility, months of pain, months of hard work, months of not complaining and just following the process, months of not listening to those who just aren't there yet, months of doing the opposite of what my former belief system required, months of deciding most of what I pay attention to is bullshit, and here I am, no longer judging the steps or thinking they will make me less cool, one day before Christmas, with more shit than I have ever had, more opportunity than I've ever experienced, more people wanting to be around me than I can ever say have, and the most important thing, contentment and no longer a demand that God give me more.

True Peace, and I am just so grateful.

Have a great day.

Checking in.

I had a serious revelation yesterday, and it is a big piece of my sex addiction. I don't love un-nurturing and disrespectful people. I don't love them so much I will harm them, including sexually.

I didn't understand my great frustration yesterday aside from my illnesses, and the fact that stress was overbearing a bit too much due to the Holiday Season. I realized that I had been putting so much effort all these past years into molding myself to accommodate the perfect women in my eyes, and she doesn't exist. I have been wasting my time preparing for a fantasy that won't occur.

Mean while I've seen the majority of women's true characters whilst looking in this search, this preparation, and I don't even like what I see, the possibility of loving one in a marriage type relationship is out of the question, if I have a choice in the matter.

I know that is much like a shot to half the population, but better they know now before harm is done. I have been in denial that I like the ways of women, particularly the societal women of America, I don't agree with what they consider priority. Most of it is just fluff and bullshit in my opinion. I don't want to be drained from that nonsense for years, maybe even a half century like in some guys cases, and I was in denial that this was imperative to me being loved in God's eyes. God has kept me sheltered from women, because he knows I am not compatible with them on a level in where I could make children with them or start a union. We are truly like apples and oranges.

This is a great relief, and if there was no God I'd be set on destroying anything impact creating women construct. I have a high amount of respect and favor towards God, so I will leave women alone, but no longer won't I show my irritation, reserve my character, or not speak the truth, to them if they want to be un-nurturing or disrespectful. AA has in a sense forced me to be kind to everyone, but I am no longer going to be kind to those who use that kindness as a weakness.

I noticed some problems in my recovery from sexual addiction. For one I am doing this alone, supplementing it with DS and AA. The majority of people if not a unanimous consolidation of all cannot and will not be able to stomach my personality or spirit. If the solution to recovering from sexual addiction is building relationships and becoming relational, I am going to have to lower my demands, stop considering myself able to conform to the norm, and talk less, if I can.

I know accepting that the world is not as great as it presents itself, most women are lost beyond all recall, most men don't have the balls to tell them, because they are too concerned with sustaining the sex life and using the women in that way, then disguising it as a marriage, it's pathetic. I was in denial that I want a part of that, or that I don't have a problem with the institution of marriage, but I am now convinced that it seems the more irrational way of doing business, and there is nothing wrong with choosing not to marry or a desire to always be single, or a family of one.

This is great news and a great gift on Christmas because I have been watching porn kind of "practicing" how to please a wife I will never have. I am wasting valuable time and energy on an event that I don't want to occur deep down inside. There are others ways to find happiness in a relating manner than being a babysitter for a grown person whose feelings usually if not always are more important than the other billions of people on this earth with equally important feelings.

This is what will happen, because as I child I rarely saw women as good, and the only time they started seeming to be worth paying attention to is when I started becoming sexually aware as a teenager. If I eliminate the focus on their important quality of being more beautiful than men, nice too look at for lack of a better admission, I see we have done a poor job at molding our women to be something of healthy pride. Who in their right mind wants to promote or bring awareness to others of the typical or current American woman? I can't speak for other societies because I don't reside in their boundary, but I can speak for our own, and they are nothing to brag about, a major drain on the economy, a major drain for all people's health concerns, and just major pains in the ass, all day, every day. I am willing to suffer the wrath of woman to speak for all the guys who are too pussy to say what I am saying, but we all know it is true, our women are our main problem.

Everybody wants to ignore the elephant in all rooms though, so once again I'll be the bad guy who is told to shut up, whilst deep down inside everyone knows I am only speaking the truth, with no fear, just like I do.

So fuck Taylor Swift, fuck Hillary Clinton, fuck Oprah.

Wait a minute, I am supposed to be nice on this site, damn, missed the mark on that one, I guess I have sinned, I said I wouldn't do what I just did earlier in the month, I still stand by my statements though, I have major problems with women, I think because I see them not having to live up to the same standards as us, because they can't, but everyone does them a disservice by telling them they can, and it is clear that they will never be man, and the more they try, the worst it gets for everyone else.

Look at ESPN, who really wants to get information from ESPN now a days with all that snatch acting like they know what it is like to be driven by testosterone needing to earn a win. You might show me how to bake a cake or ride a bike with some training wheels, but you're not going to tell me what it is like to experience the pressure of competing as a man or sustaining honor. Most of the athletes in today's climate have weakened their games by utilizing the feminine influence, niggas don't go hard like they used to my friend, too busy trying to impress pussy or show out for pussy. No I am not lying.

Pussy power is pussy shit, a weak ass module of deconstruction rather than empowerment and creation. The more pussy power the market constructs as a resource the more motivation guys like me have to bring the truth forward so eventually all players are exposed for the bitch ass bullshit they are contributing too, and then the women suffer because their second class philosophies built on a delusional fairness scheme can't sustain the power needed to really dominate this world. You might dominate the sex game, but my dick is still the member that puts the seed in the womb, and that will never change, without my dick, there is no humanity, and I can confidently say, no woman on earth is worthy of my dick.

Believe that and go to hell.

Happy Holidays, Christ was born on the 4th of July.

Sincerely,

The Bad Man.

Checking in.

I think it is safe to say yesterday was not a good day. You can just look at my check in from yesterday and see I had murderous resentment existing that was not conducive to recovery. In the yield of consequence, I acted out the night before. So if anything, I guess I showed acting out to the wrong kind of pornography will not allow us to be helpful at a maximum capacity.

I forgive myself.

Today is today though, and yesterday is gone, I am in dyer need of humor today, and that that marketed humor bullshit that NetFlixs earns off of, I mean that type of humor that nobody talks about, egos, grandiosity, elitist delusion, arrogance, pride, it's comical. To think these people usually meet an end that doesn't justify the means of all they did, makes their detriment a bit more tolerable.

I am a compulsive sex addict, who has a nearly non-existent ability to deal with the realities this world has created, and the reality that God has complete control over all and everything. This compulsion doesn't come with the ability to override itself with willpower, and after I am done "relieving" myself, I experience a flood and concurrent energies of negative consequence. It is the reason why I am such a dark individual, have created lots of enemies and unfriendly people, and never feel completely secure ever. To continue this action of acting out is insane, because I acknowledge it is better to experience positive gain than negative consequence. However due to neglect, an un-nurturing environment, abuse, abandonment, and just pure offensive and hateful energies thrown my way, I've never been able to produce a basis of love for myself that created any reason for me to value myself as worthy. Much to my disbelief before, I now understand man is a poor teacher, and man is the biggest traitor in the history of being, and God is the greatest teacher possible, and never leaves or is un-loyal. With a loving God who never leaves knowing I need its help, sanity returns and hope becomes the star. Anything that gives me hope, is worth paying attention to, and then I decide to turn my will (my highly courageous will and want) over to this awesome power who loves and makes all secure. I also decide to turn my life over to this power, admitting I as the controller am the anti-thesis of success alone.

After this I am shown by another human being how to search for flaws that make me further away from the awesome power that guides, loves, and provides the energy to stay sane. I then let others know who and what they are dealing with in dealing with me as an ineffectual person often, and this allows me to not attach personal sentiment to friction, and also to experience genuine forgiveness and understanding.

I then experience the difference of what this power of love, called God, can do, in comparison with what I can do, which if seen squarely is hate at an equally awesome level, and my power compared to God's power, diminishes, and I slowly begin to resign from my power, seeing how it is hurting the awesome power of love that has never abandoned me or left.

I then ask this higher power, or God of love, to mold me more in his making than of my own, and more and more my hatred is ignored and not utilized, and more and more I am interested in being like this God of love that has never turned its back on me or punished me like the commercial God the rest of society seems to fear.

I then see, now being an associate of God, that I would like to ease the burden of life for God's other children, and I start to make a commitment to helping others, and not being a problem for them.

I do this to the best of my ability, much of the time relying on anonymous donations, and against the grain philosophies that don't align themselves with popularity or the status quo. I don't give to be trendy, I give to give.

Now that I am sane, and a giver, more so than a hate filled, ignorant, problem fueled by insanity, I continue to looks on the inside for flaws or enemies of energies that manipulate and make me want to resort to my true character.

Most people won't recover because they cannot except worldly they are the worst if looked at honesty, and the insecurity of that fear makes them delusional.

Then I pray, and that much to others disagreement again, consists of silence and no request. What good does asking a God who knows everything for things in prayer? It already knows what you need! I pray as an action of humility, and honor, I pray to be in the end more humble, and more of an honorarium for God.

Next I speak freely of this experience and of what worked, again, much to others who aren't working as hard or investing as much energies disapproval. Also utilizing energies of the right attitude and right power, stem from an open mind, and the greatest gift I've received I see after the day of Christmas is I am being taught by those I thought weren't worthy of teaching me, they are beginning to be my most trusted source of information, just by being themselves and it is wonderful. I listened to the wrong people, and now God has directed me to the voice of those who hate the least, and me being a hater, I need examples of those who don't hate.

Today is the greatest day so far. Have the greatest day possible, fear not.

Checking in.

Here are some things I am grateful for. I am grateful for shelter, clothes, and that is about it.

I am ungrateful and it is stemming from frustration. Being frustrated, then confused about what is and what isn't acceptable sexual behavior is stealing life away. Frustration, what is the solution for this? The solution is being more friendly and grateful for women, who can help in sexual frustration. The real demand from the women, using their bodies a little too much as leverage, denying us the opportunity to decrease stress and frustration is wrong. I know this is wrong and I retaliate by using porn, which uses women who more so were abused and only see themselves as objects to be used as the main players. I go from one extreme to the next, I don't get the attention I need from regular women, so I then go to the world of porn to get it through imagination and fantasy there.

What can I do to have women more open to having sex with me? Well I do a lot daily that would encourage a woman to want to be intimate, but I think they are just so burnt out by us needing sex all the time, it is just a bad mix. Women of today's climate are burned out on the crazed energy of sexual incorporation we have as an American society.

It is a major problem, and the reason it is a major problem is the control factor.

People who sell out don't seem to have any problem having or inviting sex into their lives.

I know I keep trying to figure this out, but it's not working. Trying to intellectualize and analyze this is preventing the growth needed to really have a healthy sex life.

Are you in therapy? You need therapy my friend. Get some help. Work on yourself and forget about sex for a while. It is NOT the answer to your problems. Chances are you are scaring women away with your anger. Please, get some help.

Checking in.

I will keep an open mind to therapy. Not being contentious, can you tell me exactly what the therapy will do? I've been in therapy in the past and it instigated an anger towards indifference because I could tell the therapist really wasn't as engaged as I.

I work on myself daily, have you even been reading what I write, or has it just been so long and drawn out it is impossible to do so?

How could you assume I think sex is the solution when I participate in a support group for sex and porn addiction daily? I'm willing to say it is a guarantee I scare women away with my seething unattractive anger.

Are you even a sex addict?

I come here daily in hopes someone will help, and you are pleading with me to get help, don't you see I put myself in a place to receive help by checking in daily? You are advising me to do something I already do and am opened to do in commitment.

There is a reason why there are over 3000 members in the porn and sex addiction community on DS, but only five or so of us constantly participate.

There are some things that are generating the anger, and I think it is important to be specific about them. For one, the gender equality debate is striking a nerve with me, because there is no such thing as gender equality and it is just fluff and a lie. I take it to an extreme in the anger, something I need to check or let God dissolve, in where I take action based on the ideal of "if you want to be equal to man, I will treat you like I treat other men." I treat other men as if feelings don't matter, objectives are the most important for the whole's good, and any sort of weakness needs to be admonished.

I am not saying it is right, but it feels right, and I am just very confused about how to support an ideal of equality when it is clear to me men and women will never be equal, too much glaring difference to purchase stock in that BS.

I don't want to scare women, but if they are scared by me being who God has created, that's nothing I can change, maybe I am the dude that keeps women humble by being a maniac? Sometimes I look in the mirror and I just see this dark, corroded, filthy spirit that makes me proud strangely.

I have enough light in me to know anger and pride don't help if a solution is to be used, so I can address my anger and pride a little more today, and that is help, I don't need some therapist to tell me things God can and does. However, I am open to the right therapist supporting or using their experience to enhance or clarify things I am stumbling on.

Sometimes I just have terrible days, and I need to vent, that is not that uncommon, and it doesn't mean I should be judged or told I "need help" condescendingly, like I'm the only one who is troubled on how this world and it's people incorporate sex into life.

I agree though, resentment, anger, pride, an attitude, aggression, things of this nature are preventing me from bonding with others, particularly women, and I'm a soldier at heart, so I guess I just want women to be stronger by the things I do, I suppose I am sort of an actor, if I am alone with a woman and I really get a good energy off of her, I turn into a harmless friend, on the surface though, I really just want to see women succeed, but the only way I know how to motivate those who want to lead is to break them down, first to see if they can lead, then to allow God to build them back up.

I'm really not the monster I portray, and I am glad I was told I scare women, sometimes I get so competitive I block all the little things necessary for others happiness out of mind, and I just go hard, and don't worry about anything but going as hard as possible, and that can create enemies and scare people.

In conclussion, I will take one big chill pill today, and not be so alpha male-ish, if I can help it. If I can't, God can do it because God is the real Alpha Male not to be fucked with, and there I go again being the demi-God of know-it-all-ness, so I'll be quiet.

Have a great day.

It is difficult to read most of what you write. You tend to ramble and I wonder if perhaps you don't have an underlying mental illness. Do not discount getting another therapist or getting a psychiatric evaluation. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of and more people need to keep an open mind about that more than anything else on this forum. If you are not taking medication you may need to do so. It will help you immensely in the long run.
In the meantime, don't get defensive when someone gives you some much needed advice here, even if you don't like it. You are clearly looking for someone to validate your feelings, but that is difficult to do since you seem all over the map most days.
Yes, it is good to have God on your side, but God cannot do it all and addicts need to step up and take very responsibility possible to do what is in their best interest.
At the very least, step out of your ego and really allow your higher self to take over. You will let go of judgment and allow forgiveness to propel you forward.
Am I a sex addict? No, but I am married to one for nearly 30 years and he has successfully been in recovery for nearly six years now. He has worked very hard on himself in every way possible to get to where he is.
So you see I know something about this addiction and I have been in therapy myself for the trauma this has caused me and our marriage as well as healing my own co-dependency issues.
One MUST be open to healing. This is what you seem resistant to do.
If no one is responding to you here on this forum, then you need to ask yourself why. You need to take responsibility for your contribution to that dynamic here and everywhere else in your life and if you cannot see that, then you need help.

Checking in.

Reading the SAA material is helping greatly. Also listening to speaker tapes on YouTube of any type of recovery is helping as well. Self-sacrifice, constant dialogue with a real God and not one organized religion uses to make money with is also helping.

AA asks us as members to review our sex conduct and then ask ourselves if it is selfish or not? Currently I am excited by having sex with women in front of their husbands or boyfriends. I have to say that is selfish, and if I did it two people would be generating selfish harm towards another. I used the world excited because that is something that seems to be constantly linked to right before I act out. I witnessed it in someone the other day I was having dinner with, and I saw how that very same excitement I speak of instantly clouded their judgment, because seconds prior we were talking about major challenges in his life he must face, without the need to escape.

I think the excitement blinds me to the realities of how harmful most of my ideas of sexual freedom are. The other day I listened to a video on YouTube about this chick who married this guy who portrayed himself as who he wasn't in reality, and the horrible story of her participation in punishing pornography ensued. Often I encounter women who simply hate men, I can tell just by talking to them for a second or two, and I used to think I needed to "check" or admonish them for it. I now see that maybe that particular woman has been treated horribly by men, and is just doing what any normal person who is treated horribly do. Some of the people at the AA meeting I go to have begun to treat me horribly because of my success, and I now have a resentment of people in that income class.

I do notice even though I am attracted to someone, and they are attracted to me, particularly in the married crowd, it doesn't have to then become obsession or "natural" for the both of us to gravitate towards sex with each other. I have to remember that I have an illness that uses compulsion to get me to think I have no power to cease acting out, therefore I am destined to just act out and be as sexually gratified as possible. The opposite is the truth, and I do have power to not act out if I give that powerless over to God. Again, a God that non-judgmental, non-organized, doesn't require money to insert his good grace into my life, and one that allows sex not to be grounds for fire and brimstone.

I think I do have a legitimate beef with monogamy and how we in the West have utilized it to be a capitalistic advantage. We marry these women, then consider them our property, so other guys sexual instincts won't hinder our idea of the perfect life, which is having money, status, property, and freedom to be happy. I think it is awfully selfish of me to think I could provide more for a mate spare a few seconds of intense pleasure, however it is my illness that balloons the few seconds of intense pleasure (dopamine shots) over the life time it could create for the spouse to be miserable and remorseful.

I do find humor in fantasy and the entertainment of infidelity. To see a the chick getting her revenge on the asshole who thought he ruled the world and spoke gospel is heaven to me, and I want to contribute, but I can't deny the fact that it is selfish by spiritual law to harm another, and if I become selfish I decrease in power and harm my own health, so it is difficult, but the ultimate answer is no I will not be participating in cheating in real life. I might masturbate to the possibility of it through entertainment just having fun and imagining in the healthy way, with all parties knowing it is not really happening, like Hollywood movies do, but I am just grateful that I have a way to see reality from fantasy now.

When I admit this, the guilt of looking at the porn leaves, because I now have a clear understanding that porn is just entertainment if done right, and again, porn is not the problem, I am the problem because my default is denial, in every area of my life.

I deny how harmful both to me and others my character defects are. The defects of character that are rooted in selfishness block me from seeing or experiencing real truth and freedom. I am honestly sick, because the defects are a part of my character and possibly even soul, so I need clarity and cleansing to erode the defects as much as possible. The humility aspect is greatly obvious as a need when looked at outside the denial, because one would agree to be greedy, envious, hateful, lazy, proud, glutinous, ignorant, arrogant, delusional, a control freak, entitled in attitude, and superior but inferior at the same time, to be not exactly things to add on a resume.

If I am in control or my will is driving the vehicle, I am just going to experience more of the same greed, envy, hate, sloth, pride, gluttony, ignorance, arrogance, delusion, desires for control, entitled attitudes, and false dispositions that fuel the selfish sexual addiction in the first place. If I break my denial, realizing a loving non-demanding God is supporting me doing so and wants to help, it becomes easy to allow him to do so after usually experiencing mind numbing pain.

One thing I've noticed is the more I invest into recovery and doing the opposite of what my illness is suggesting, the more I become responsible and mature, mature and responsible enough to not be a problem for others, to blend into the culture and not have to be number one, and that brings a peace with no pressure that really is worth living for. All the other crap about trying to impress others, gaining so much I can tell all how great of an earner I am, and blah, blah, blah, doesn't help me realize or admit my harmful selfishness that will kill me if all I said before wasn't bad enough!

Most people never get to the bottom of the harm of the selfishness or can admit that the selfishness for an addict is so detrimental it will kill us, not it might kill us, it will kill us. If not dealt with the selfish agenda will kill the addict, but the powerlessness, driven by the misguided will, or punishing agenda from a higher power probably created by men themselves to acquire power and money (called religion), will not only confuse and muddy the process of clarity needed to sustain the program of action called "the steps", but it will kill the person if not counteracted. Religion is killing addicts, modern day religion is backfiring on addicts, and it is backfiring on addicts because we aren't wired like normal people who can take the religious teaching with a grain of salt. We take all that shit to heart, and then we find we can't live up to it, and that unnecessary shame and guilt that follows after, eats us up to the point where we need relief from feeling so horrible. The religious teach us that God hates our core, because our core doesn't align itself with the religious beliefs automatically with pure driven will, so we must be enemies of God, and what better reason to act out or use or smash something other than being fearful that punishment is going to ensure from a God who preachers and priest teach hates!

What God on Earth hates? Preaching that God could possibly hate his children, and we are all his children, not just some bearded guy who liked to drink and talked himself onto a cross, we are all God's children, that bullshit on "God's only Son", is a marketing or gimmick for the church to earn more, it's a terror tactic actually if you look at it honestly, and don't let that bullshit influence an understanding of a loving God. What God would confuse us all by in the first part of "God's word", that same God uses the words "God's Sons" to label people in the "word", then fast forward to the newer book and all the sudden there is on "one son." How convenient for the person using the religion to sustain power and fight crusades. "Let's just tell them they will all die and go to fire and darkness if they don't follow the bearded man on the cross who by he way we've manipulated his words to mean something completely opposite of what he really was saying."

Complete bullshit to shame and punish people using man made words man himself calls the word of God. You want to know the real word of God, it's called earthquakes, and natural disasters, and in fighting, and spouses on honeymoons, and children smiling, it's not some bound book taken from unenlightened periods of huge amounts of ignorance and arrogance. Do I have to bash religion like this? Well if it is killing people, absolutely, but if people are getting something out of the kindergarten philosophy that some bearded guy who talked so much shit he found himself on a cross murdered in the end is the "only Son of God", I suppose I can just accept most people would rather buy into bullshit than question it.

The funny thing is every time I question it the real God seems to show me more favor and give me more power!

Have a great day.

Checking in.

I have read 42 of the personal stories in the SAA literature so far. The one constant that I've seen is almost all of them include masturbating not for pleasure but to escape pain temporarily.

Also none of them so far have spoken in depth on how all the character defects that persuade us to act out, are rooted in selfishness. The selfishness is so powerful it, if allowed, will dictate and produce a miserable life that takes and takes, more and more, there is no limit to the amount of un-owned or non-proprietary means or objects the selfishness will feel the false right to acquire or align itself with.

I am seeing in my own recovery most addicts aren't willing, proudly, to admit they are functioning from a root of selfishness that harms anyone it comes into contact with or walks along a path with as well. The selfishness is so powerful as a subtle nature that it deceives, deludes, denies, and degrades the truth, so we will bow down to it's demands and do it's will.

If there is no guilt or shame associated with the discovery of selfishness then it is bearable and easily able to accept. I have noticed when it is brought to the addict in a condemning fashion, like some non-addicts feel necessary, especially those aligned with practicing law or enacting law, rebellion ensues, and the selfishness starts doing push-ups inside the addict, leading to retaliation and more selfish action.

As an addict I have to sign on the dotted line in agreement that it is never alright to be selfish, even in the little areas of life. It is very black and white, selfishness will kill you or others if you are an addict.

Whenever I am venting or displaying great frustration with my rants on this thread, I am functioning in a selfishness that could kill me, and the theraputic community, that caters to both addicts and non-addicts, cannot admit that, because most therapy has a profit motive, or capital gain attached to it, which in itself is selfish, so selfishness isn't going to argue that it needs to be less selfish. Unless a miracle occurs, like what happens when the addict does the twelve steps, and now after doing so, the addict can say, boldly, the less selfish I become, the more lovable I begin to be.

Let's face it, addicts aren't lovable creatures, we are major pains in the ass, even in recovery.

Some of my greatest teachers who have decades of recovery incorporated into their personalities are still major pains in the ass, daily. Mainly most of them fail to be considerate of the trouble the new person is having, and also think lofty goals are attainable with increased time away from the problem, but the fact remains most are still major pains in the ass if not doing the maintenance required to function unselfishly.

I've noticed that pride, when it comes to the elder can be very problematic for the whole, the elder allows their pride to construct unbeknownst to them, stemming from a philosophy that experience is supreme overall, however that would mean experience has some sort of Godly characteristic automatically, and the reality is some elders have a lot of experience being inconsiderate sons of bitches, unwilling to admit it's irritation, but they hide behind the constructed assumption of being older is being smarter.

What if the disciples had denied Jesus because he was only in his early thirties? What if the Arabs had incarcerated Mohammed because he was doing God's work at only 40? I know some really stupid 50,60, and 70 year olds. Now I understand there is a degree of respect I must have as a younger person towards the old school, but I am not going to sign on to some bullshit mandated solely because the author has more time on earth than I.

No I am a bit of a know it all if you hadn't already figured it out, so there are tons of things I can do to combat or balance this resentment. First off I have to understand the selfish component. I want to be the man, and that includes being smarter than all men, women, and children. Is that possible? No, so my selfishness is creating a lie that I could possibly be smarter than not only people older than I with more experience, but more so literally everyone else in the world as well.

This makes my attitude selfish in the false belief because if I know it all I stop listening. Who knows when God will decide for a man or woman to speak truth? The answer is no one knows, so me using a basis of being smarter than the rest, stupidly and ignorantly as well, cuts me off from the opportunity to hear God's words if spoken out of another human being. The more unselfish action is to just listen, even if the information isn't helpful or concurrent to recovering, because it is a matter of unselfishly respecting all, even the ones who are complete idiots with all their "experience." They really have experience aggravating the fuck out of everyone who has honestly wanted to help or listen to them, but in the ideal, everyone deserves attention and love when speaking, so not arguing is the right thing to do.

I am not in denial that I will probably masturbate today to porn. The great news is I masturbated to an middle circle behavior last night, and am seeing my inner circle behavior as more sick than exciting, so there is a good possibility I do not "act out" today. I am not in denial that I am a provision of the world affair, I am a person who will have an affair if allowed to do so by temptation. There is no use in denying that stark reality, I will be having sex with you if you are in an unhappy marriage and need relief, if I do not focus on being unselfish and loyal to God's command of not fucking married women.

Is not sleeping with unhappy married women the right thing to do in my mind, absolutely not, I should be having sex with them above all else in my book, however this great God has done tons for me, saved my life numerous times, so in honor of his ways, which make no sense to me often, I will not pursue enabling extramarital affair accommodation for other women, and I will just accept that pain that some dudes are so insecure they have to harbor the pussy to create a base of status among the rest of us.

Right now I am thinking of these rappers who wait to get rich, and then they start talking about how they will take your bitch or steal your girl. I don't know why I just thought of that pussy ass bullshit, real men don't need a dollar to hold pussy down. In fact they are only doing us a favor by "stealing" the hoes who will only love money in the long run, those whose don't have it in them to be in a union. They should be banished from the Kingdom of America forever in my assessment. I would say fuck em all, but they are already fucking themselves by preaching that false alpha male bullshit, that fighting fire with fire catty bullshit of bitches that an honest character of masculinity won't tolerate.

There I go again, picking a fight with ones who don't know, and that engine or machine allowing them to preach all that bullshit and very un-spiritual message of ignorance or lies, is just the trial they have been given with the choices they make. It's like Hymen Roth in the Godfather Two, "this is the business we've chose", except with the business of recovering, we are allowed to go back on our choices and gain a second way more powerful chance. Money, Cars, Women, and Houses, isn't power, it might look powerful and it might get good head after a long stressful day, but what power do you have when your care is T-boned when you are following all traffic laws? What power do you have when the legislators decide to tax the property your mansion sits on? What power do you have when the bitch you "stole" finds a billionaire and now your millions look a little small and that good head stops overnight? What power do you have when niggas like me tap into the account and make you broke overnight? None, and now all that power you preached becomes the basis for your discredit, and all that money talk becomes broken or bankrupt silence.

Go on and marinate on that for a minute like the man from Atlanta says.

In other news, I hope you all have a safe and happy New Year's Eve.

Have a great day, it is always possible if you want to.


Chief King-a-ding-a-ling-a-ling.