Checking in.

Not in a position where I can just let go and share today, hope all have a great day.

Guhzo,

I am glad you decided to start living your life differently such as listening, considering and starting feel your feelings, etc. It is all right to question if something does not seem to make sense to you.

The important thing is that you consider what is being said to you and when I write to you or anyone for that matter it is because I want the best for them. It does not come from a selfish place.

At first, feeling those feelings you have been avoiding will seem absolute hell but rest assured, in a while it will get less overwhelming. When I did it, I had no idea how many emotions I had been holding in, at times, I could feel several in one swoop making it even more confusing. As I was learning to be self aware, it became easier to tell them apart and learning not to react took an effort that paid off in the end.

Patience, ha! The addiction played a huge part on my lack of patience, my mind only wanted to act out each and every minute of the day. Whatever minute away from acting out was spent, it meant that I would be in pins and needles all the time. If you were to talk to me, my mind would be going "Why is this guy going on and on about nothing" and you could be sharing something deeply important to you but the addicted mind could care less. So, as you exercise patience with yourself and others, you may notice that your concern for yourself and others also increases.

And now for the most important part of my reply. Porn: You see it truly, at least for me it did, makes non acceptable behavior okay. I now realize just how vile and gross the whole industry really is. It warped everything in my life. No one mattered unless I could either used them in my mind fantasies or I could be sexual with them. It did not matter, at the height of the addiction, I found myself doing things, I now know I would not do if I had been in my right mind but repairing the damage that porn did to my ethics and my moral compass took a long time, two years to be exact and that was because I spent day and night consciously working on it.

And I will leave you with a suggestion: Perhaps, you could be served better in the long run if you were to stop indulging altogether for say 90 days. And then you can work on building a life away from it. That is no porn, no acting out for 90 days. Does that sound like something you can do? The benefit will be that you can truly reboot your mind and extend it if you find that is still not quite rebooted.

Have a great day,
Wolf (5 years sober)

P.S. I am going to the Post Office tomorrow after work to see what happened to my packages and not leaving until I have an answer or the packages. I will say it nicely but they will know I am not kidding :)

Hello....I am checking in...I am thinking about the journey of recovery...how I must tend to my program in order to harvest its fruits....sometimes, I don't notice the little things that have changed within me until someone else have pointed it out...and I would have not known the changes unless I was honest enough as well as close enough to someone (friend, sponsor, spiritual advisor, etc.) to reveal my struggles....that is true intimacy...my inner addict never allowed closeness with others....today, I can be open, honest, and intimate in my friendships....I think about the word intimacy....enter-see-me....wishing everyone a good day.

Checking in.

I have held my feelings in for a long time, and I am feeling them more and more ever so slightly. For instance I am seeing I really love the ones I criticize and have problems with the most. I agree it will be painful and I will come to points of breaking, however I have some experience in breaking and not breaking at those points of pressure, I've done both, so there is no need for me to have anxiety in that area if I don't want to.

I am having a hard time honestly degrading the whole porn industry, I do think some where born to be in porn, not all studios are in it for the money and are professionals, and I do believe it can and is healthy if taken seriously, unselfishly, and contains respect.

My problem isn't porn or sex, my problem is addictive sexual behavior that includes compulsion to have sex when I honestly don't want to, or masturbate when I honestly don't want to, in an attempt to feel better because my spirituality at the time is weak or empty.

Most of the damage I have received from watching porn is an unnecessary guilt I created from an exterior belief system I bought into that sex should be shameful and I am "naughty" if I like it. Well I love sex, would rather have sex than earn billions, and can't think of a better way to express appreciation for women, however I have the addictive gene, and the real problem is the lack of power the addiction provides, and with no power comes worse judgment, less spirituality, weak understandings, resentment, hatred of those I honestly love, sickness in general. I am talking about power in the area to love and appreciate.

Can I not look at porn for 90 days? That seems unnecessary if I have identified it isn't the porn I am at odds with. The SAA literature talks about how us as addicts have recoveries that vary, for instance looking at porn where I am not fully attracted to the actress and fantasy, would be the addictive behavior I would want to stay away from because I would be doing it just to reach orgasm, and not to practice giving myself in appreciation.

God will provide the path for me to utilize porn if need be, this might be my illness acting so sly that I am not even aware of it's own power, so I am willing to not look at porn if that is the overall plan for me, however I would be wasting your time if I could say I could commit to that, the last time I committed to it my ego ballooned and the contentions were overbearing.

I can commit to 90 days of listening and not questioning though, just today while I was reading your comment I noticed how more willing I am to listen and incorporate your communication.

In closing however using porn is not in my primary means to be happy today, it is an after thought, sort of like if I do I do and if I don't I don't, it is not holding the weight the old obsession did where I won't be able to function or focus, amazingly through all the hard work, even whilst acting out, I am able to control it a little more, and I don't get depressed or damaged when I can't look at it, I just accept and become fear free that it just isn't the time to be sexual.

After discovering that most of the laws in this universe concerning sex were created by the elite just to sustain power and to control our ability to overthrow them, I find it foolish not to appreciate appropriate sex, or to label it as amoral or warranted of shame or guilt. I was thinking the other day, sex and love making are the reason anyone has a life at all, so what sense does that make for the powers that be to say it is bad? Well the clear answer is 100% complete non-sense, and although liability can come from anything, if looked at as a gift and with respect, sex and love making is a fantastic asset God has granted all of us.

To think men and women used their power to misguide others towards beliefs that sex could possibly be bad, when in fact it is the one thing that makes life possible from the start, not to mention is naturally positive on many levels, is a great crime in my opinion, and it temps me to have sex out of spite, as a rebellious means to extend the metaphorical middle finger, but I don't have time to engage in conflict with dumb-asses who never should have been making the decisions in the first place.

I know my stance, I know my problems and solutions, sex gets an A+ from me, love gets an off the charts grade above sex, and both are valedictorians in my estimate, so as a second closing, I'd rather just be less selfish and love more than blame the addiction solely on the porn watching, it's not the porn, it's my selfishness.

Have a great day, thanks.

Hello...I'm checking in...I am thinking about letting go and letting God...I like the phrase 'honest living'...I think it takes awhile to chip away the layers of the addiction-induced sense of false self with all its rationalizations...it took an enormous amount of pain and shame to crack the first wall of denial of my addiction...then it took consistent honesty and practiced openness to reveal my own delusions about myself and my justified behaviours...I now realize I need close friends and supporters to point out my micro-distortions in my thinking and in my sense of self...it is, indeed, a journey of self-discovery...from outright denial, to self-delusions, to micro-distortions....is what I am doing honesty living, is the question I ask myself....wishing everyone a good day.

Checking in.

"out-right denial, self-delusion, and micro-distortion", interesting.

Great opportunity for honesty this morning. I do out-right with willpower deny things. I am by design considerably delusional, and I am not sure I get the micro distortion characteristic though.

I suppose that means distorting info, basic or general information, so it makes me feel more important or special.

Lately I have recognized and identified a very poorly constructed and insufficient belief system I've got going on.

The belief system that I constructed on my own is too frail and destitute that it's not even worth describing, it simply doesn't and won't work for the future.

The core missing ingredient was the dismissal of love as the source of the whole belief system. My belief system consisted of the absence of love, support, encouragement, humility, understanding, consideration, average positive energies that help others. I had a belief system of destroy with purpose, and bizarrely it was in an ignorant attempt to some how make God more important and humble others.

Well that is a piss poor way of doing business and it ensured lots of ass kicking from those I highly underestimated and never would have thought would be teaching me the damaging lessons I actually created in the first place,

I think the most important part of this recovery, and all recovery currently is my willingness to let go and admit I don't know everything and that is a good thing.

Have a nice day.

Hello....I am checking in...I am thinking about the heart of the recovery program....admit and submit...the two things that my inner addict negatively reacts to...complete admission to my problems & harm I am causing and total submission to a program & higher power...for some reason, it took a certain level of desperation before I was willing to surrender...I realize now and I've said it before, there is a moment of surrendering, and there is the practice of surrendering, which is moment by moment and lifelong....wishing everyone a good day.

Guhzo,

I know what I will write here today may ruffle your feather so the only thing I can ask you is to simply read what I write and not react, little else, fair enough?

Here is goes, and this my opinion and that of others I have spoken to, if there was an industry where sex was portrayed in a respectful manner, it would not be porn, it would be erotica.

Saying that not all porn is bad, to me is like saying that not all cocaine or meth is bad or you as former alcoholic me saying to you not all alcohol is bad.

What I am trying to get at is this, it is not that porn is bad because that is a judgment but that is not healthy in any way, shape or form. None of the scenes portrayed in porn scenes are even close to real life. Do all your interviews end in a sexual montage? When was the last time a pizza was delivered to you and a woman demanded you satisfy her instead of paying your bill? All I am saying is that porn does warp reality beyond recognition, anyone who has recovered from it has never said they went back it because they found some of it good. In fact, the opposite is true.

I am not against sex, in fact I am not against masturbation either but if either of those are carried out in an unhealthy manner where there is no respect or dignity to it, then yes I have a problem with that.

Now, the reason why I am asking you to be abstinent and not view porn and indulge or act out is because those behaviors simply reinforce the addiction making it ever more difficult to recover. I tried that method, talking myself that not all porn was bad and that as long as I did not watch some questionable scenes I was okay, well, let me be honest, it was another lie the addiction was telling me and I was buying into it. Oh the things we can justify sometimes would scare the most fragile of hearts.

But more to the point, when you were recovering from alcohol addiction, were you drinking while recovering saying that, for instance, drinking beer was good as long as you were not drinking say, tequila? What I am saying addictive behavior is addictive behavior and the best way to recover from, it is by stopping anything that either causes the behavior or anything that feeds it.

I agree that the last time I suggested you stopped watching porn, your addicted mind went nuts and it reacted the way it did, but a lot has happened since then. Do you think you are the same man you were then? I do agree that if you are not ready for such a step then by all means don't but trust me when I tell you that God or the Universe will see to it that you stop this unhealthy behavior and you may not like its ultimatum. That is all I am saying.

I will also add this for you to consider, not all the damage porn has done to your life will be seen by you while still watching it, it will be realized when you stop altogether and get a bit of fresh air, so to speak, by then I do hope you are ready for the assessment of the damage. It will be a lot like doing assessment damage after a tsunami, earthquake and nuclear attack combined. I am not being hyperbolic here, it is such that I am still assessing it after 5 years.

Please understand this: I wish the best for you, I wish you to have the best life and I wish you to enjoy the sober life I am enjoying and it pains me to see you hanging on to the lies porn has told you.

But as I said, when you are ready to exorcise it, you will be free from it. Either by your personal decision or it is decided for you, but everyday it stays in your life is another day, it rules your life, your mind and your heart. In other words, it yet another day that it robs you of a potential for a better life.

Have a great day,
Wolf (5 years sober)

Hello....I am checking in....I am thinking of my own vulnerabilities....a place of humility for me....a place that I am still learning to be comfortable with....it is much easier to be wrapped with my own rationalizations of my past behaviour and justifications for keeping my defects of characters which just leaves me with the status quo, reduction of genuine relations, and diminution of my integrity.......I pray for healing, expansion of authentic encounters, and service to others....wishing everyone a great day

Checking in.

Wolf and Inner I just want to say thank you for continuing to check in, you two are my only real sources of fellow sex addicts I speak to daily.

I speak to other addicts, but not candidly like I can speak to you both with my posts. If anyone else is lurking or listening, thank you too.

Wolf I have no creditable argument against anything you have said, major points made, I heard it all, and didn't have a negative reaction, thanks.

It's 6:00 am where I live, I have a big day ahead of me, busy all day, on the move all day, having to work on something all day, so the bad news is there will be a significant amount of real stress to be coped with, but the good news is it will leave only a small window to act out, and that is at the end of the day, when I am laying in bed, at the end of the day, which will probably be around 11:00. My course of action is going to be instead of visiting the porn site I visit, I am going to listen to a speaker tape on youtube, if I can do that tonight, then I can do it tommorow. I'll let you know how I fared, and hopefully it will be news of success tomorrow when I check in.

Thanks so much for the patience and persistence in helping me Wolf, I really appreciate it.

Have a great day.

Guhzo,

I hope you were able to execute your plan of action as you had said. Everyday you train your mind and body to look forward to something healthy, it will eventually start going in that direction.

That is not to say that it will be easy because the addicted self will buck and act very bratty but we must stay the course and show it who is truly the boss.

As an aside, I appreciate your words, it has not been easy but like everything else, I hope someday you realized that my persistence was for your benefit but not for my own. I just did not want to have you be another statistic if I could help it. It goes back to this ditty, "The best way for the proliferation of evil is for good men to do nothing" That is most definitely not me.

Keep up the good work, every little bit, every positive step that you make towards your recovery makes a huge difference overall. Lastly, if the action step does not work as you hoped, go back and see what went awry and create another and start again, as I have said many times, I had to redo my action plan gazillions of times every time I noticed it was not working, as well, as I hoped.

Before I forget, the fact that you did not react and willingly read my post shows that you are willing to change. I consider that progress.

Have a great day,
Wolf (5 years sober)

Checking in.

Last night was a success.

I don't really have much more to say, I'll just do the same thing again tonight. I feel much better and am not as resentful. I think the main thing is I was waking up knowing I failed the night before, but unwilling to admit it was directly because of the porn watching. I fell back into denial.

I feel a lot better, and very thankful Wolf asked me to do that.

Have a great day.

Guhzo,

Realizing where we went awry is key to building the blocks that make up the recovery process. Congratulations, keep that up, one day at a timer, though some times it will feel like one second at a time.

Remember that feeling of success and refuse to watch porn next time you get an urge because it will lead to feeling bad. Now checking in will be even more useful because it would be a way to hold yourself accountable but most important, to keep your word to yourself.

Have a great day,
Wolf (5 years sober)

Checking in.

Another successful night, even after realizing I am losing in the money department.

I know what went wrong last time, and it would be inconsiderate to detail it publicly, in short it was resentment at another's jealousy and abusive hate.

That has been a current theme with me, I effortlessly make others jealous and angry, and then I get into conflict with them perceiving it worthy of justice, and eventually need some relief from the aggravation and stress.

The best I can do is continue my objective to stay "bitch-free", meaning not have anything to do with bitches (including men who act like bitches) and continue to focus on real and large obligations and responsibility that can help the greater good in the future. That is not good enough though, a bitch (men included) only acts more like a bitch when you ignore them as bitches or treat them like bitches, and I'm awfully good at treating bitches like bitches, so I need amending and an overhaul there, I admit.

Bitches will be bitches, and if you're content being a bitch, you're losing, and losers provide nothing for the greater good, however sometimes you've got to lose so you can start changing to win, lord knows I've been a loser in the past, but I'm at my wits end on how to cope from bitches both in the masculine and feminine forms.

I will say ignoring them, giving them what they want and being thankful I am not them away from them, realizing the overall gift from God is not being a bitch on my end, I don't have to participate with a bitch, but sometimes I have to serve bitches, but bitches are a great source of resentment for me, and I am going to need a miracle not to punk bitches or completely disrespect their disrespect in the future, if that is in my cards.

Punking bitches and downgrading their efforts to utilize any energy, is all about power. Power and control are harmful to my recovery from sexual addiction, so once again I am being called or asked by God to make yet another change in my life no one else seems to have to be force to do, the complete opposite of his or her true character. I am an expert when it comes to punking bitches, and now you ask me to not do so, and love them? I'm not putting any money on that, in fact I'm betting the house on the opposite, however I am clearly not God, and God provides miracles, so there is hope, and maybe one day I can love bitches and not treat them like bitches or humble them like I was a God.

If you can see the ego in my writing, you're getting it, I'm seeing that I am the example of who not to be, like Darth Vader, I feel like an 80 year old man at the young age, I have so much to give away in terms of what not to do. I just wish I could share it with someone who didn't get jealous or angry at me.

You fuckers need to love me despite my Un-Godliness. Please. Ok, this is what sexual addiction will get you, confusion, lies, just wrong, bad, and the opposite of spiritual.

Ok, I'll stop.

Checking in, again.

I apologize for the profanity laced rant, there is no excuse anymore, I am aware anyone can read my posts, and I am being inconsiderate of those who disfavor profanity or younger people.

It won't happen again, actually I am going to suspend myself for one week. It is necessary for me to be a better person, please share so I can have stuff to read, I just won't post, I cannot let myself slide on this one, I must have discipline for my actions, and that last post wasn't correct or the right thing for a recovering person to display, it harms the whole message and community of recovery, calling others the b-word, and then assuming a position of dominance and threat over them is not acceptable, and it was wrong.

Thank You.