Hello....I'm checking in...I am thinking about faith...my recovery journey from the beginning of having little hope for myself to building trust with others over time....and that trust in others ultimately manifesting to faith...each one building upon and deepening the other...like sisters...little sister 'hope' looks to older sister 'trust' who follows the eldest sister 'faith'....faith that something is working within me...faith in a higher power...that faith, in my higher power, that is working through me is building a new character within...a character based on integrity (undivided)...and that integrity is strengthen with my relationship with my higher power which is reflected through each minor and major decision I make throughout the day....I have to be faithful to my recovery process (daily practice), to myself (values/integrity), and to my higher power (Spirit/Divinity)....I am realizing that unless I am faithful in small matters, I won't be faithful in larger ones....wishing everyone a great day.

Hello...I'm checking in....I am thinking about enticements....how my Ego/Self/Defects likes tantalizations...in other words, the seductive power of temptations...I normally don't like to cross reference into other addictions, but there is a line in the AA Big Book (p.37) that always stuck with me when it came to sex, "We call this plain insanity. How can such a lack of proportion of the ability to think straight, be called anything else...We have sometimes reflected more than Jim upon the consequences. But there was always some curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink"....that is what my Ego/Self/Defects likes to tell me to justify acting out...some insanely trivial excuse...even after some duration of not acting out, I would find myself acting out again...feeling baffled and deflated....as the AA Big Book stated in the same chapter, "All went well for a time, but he failed to enlarge his spiritual life"....I know today, for myself in this moment, that I have to be in good spiritual condition to resist any temptations to overindulging in sexual thoughts, for that leads to obsession (erotic haze) that inevitably leads to compulsions (acting out) which always ends in guilt, shame, disappointment, and emptiness...again, I am only speaking for myself...I understand everyone has different experiences...I guess, in short, I don't want my ego indulging at the expense of my soul....wishing everyone a good day.

Hello...I am checking in...I pray for the addict who still suffers alone....and for the continued Grace in my life and for the recovery of others...wishing everyone a good day.

InnerQuest,

Great job for checking in so much. Remember the ego and the illness are seperate, but they also work in a pair. The ego is sometimes persuaded by the illness to enable us to think we need a remedy when in fact we need more of the same, pain that leads to growth.

The ego's duty is to tell you "wrong" information that sounds right, and the Jim story was not really an ego think. Earlier in the story Jim's ego told him he was above being just a salesman, so he then tries to prove to himself he is the best salesman around, so he listens to his ego and tries to find a "prospect" to buy a car, proving the ego right, but in the end the ego was lying to him because he illness then took the opportunity to lie to him and tell him whisky loses it's power if put in milk! Everyone knows just from the cocktail itself, liquor doesn't dilute to the point where it won't make a person drunk, but lead by his ego, he situated himself in a place where the illness had the loudest voice. He bought into the lie and thus the compulsion of a bender started.

Don't spend too much time focusing on what you're not doing that could lead to acting out, shift that focus to what you are doing, for instance I can see you are growing spiritually just by your consistency and what you are saying, I recently have been keen on my flaws, and it has gotten to the point of depression, so I had to reverse that formula and now I am keen on the little things I am doing right. When I examined my day yesterday, even though both my ego and my illness were telling me it was a failure, I saw that I was a huge success yesterday in how I dealt with other people. I am at a point in my recovery where I need to learn how to deal with other people correctly, so I am right on pace and where I am supposed to be in God's eyes, however the illness and the ego disagree. Well the ego and the illness can go to hell, because they are wrong, and examination proves that, so keep up the good work and great job.

Have a great day.

Hello...I am checking in....I am thinking of staying closer to my higher power throughout the day...which is the difference that makes the difference in my recovery....wising everyone a good day.

Hello....I'm checking in....I am thinking about relationships....from close ones to professional ones to spiritual ones.....I am grateful to my Higher Power for the small number of friends, the couple spiritual advisors, and the few sponsors in my life...I am truly blessed.....wishing everyone a great day.

Checking in.

I wish I were thinking about butterflies and sofas, but I'm thinking about 8 different women.

It could be a worse problem, however I've got lots of shit to do, and lots of good information to learn, and there is a part of me that wants to be very "naughty" with these women, and I have to admit, it's borderline immature.

I'm sure it is not immature to the women, well maybe the fact that they are just one out of eight, that's kind of not nice, so I think I will just accept that they are that special to me, and move on.

They always become more beautiful generally when I move on. My ego hates that, but it will just have to learn to be more dormant if it wants to not keep losing.

I am powerless over romantic obsession with women I want to put babies in, I am powerless over women who find me beautiful, I am powerless over the compulsions that come along with that, I am a whore, a ho, a gigolo, a sex fiend, and a problem. The reason I am a problem is others need me in other areas just as much, and I am selfish for disregarding their needs and wants, and putting all my energy into the women I adore and admire. Guilty as charged. I took that from that hilarious movie Walk Hard The Dewey Cox Story.

Since I've admitted this, something to be daily, I can now be given the power to help everyone, and if I choose to not help those in favor of the ones I am committed to, I might be doing God's complete will.

I just hope the ones I find very special understand, and if they don't I'll play the game, take the hits, suffer the consequence, but still will be doing God's complete will, and they will just have to deal with it, even though they don't know how to, and then they will realize they fucked up, like always, and we will grow closer, it's a win-win.

I am going to work on not being as vocal or opinionated today.

Have a great day.

P.S. I am not going to be as vocal or opinionated not because it isn't right, but because I am growing more interested in what others have to say and what others do and think. That is real growth, and deadens a selfish agenda that divides.

Again, Have the greatest day possible.

Checking in.

I don't have much to say today and that should happen more often. My beliefs, judgment, intentions, and will doesn't work.

I had this chick who wants to have sex with me tell me she likes the nice me. Or she said something along the lime of "you're nice", and I knew what she meant, she meant, "stop being such an asshole and go back to complimenting me and caring."

I can do that, and I can do that in abundance, and the reason I stopped was dudes were getting jealous and acting like bitches themselves as a reaction, so I stopped, because I didn't want to be selfish and stand out in the area, but I see now that it is selfish not to be myself around women. Myself is very caring, very understanding, and not afraid to be Romeo. Not the Don Juan Romeo, just the Romeo that isn't a threat and doesn't make life more difficult.

I do know I do it so well it is easy for me to get greedy and wouldn't be too great of an effort to have plenty of love interest. On top of that fucking any woman who wasn't scared like me in that area, would just suck my soul deeper into a deluded state of vulnerability and manipulation.

I know this is a dangerous state of assumption to be in because true darkness lurks in sexual endeavor if caution, at least a fraction of it's influence, isn't considered.

Now that I recognize this, and that I know I am a compulsive sex and love addict, who has no willpower to decide not to desire sex or love with an object I find more attractive than everything else, I can see how that is a problem. The object isn't the problem, me thinking a focus on that object being more important than moving mountains or saving lives, is the real problem. That is selfish.

Now that I know it is selfish, and that I'm fucked because the obsession and the demand of the illness are so great, I can open up to the hope and possibility that a higher power is the architect of all of this and the diversion from the generally whole course is ironically also part of the path.

Now that I see that me not being able to stop wanting to love something I find supremely attractive, and the engine inside of me that wants nothing else but to have sex all the time with that person, and by all the time I mean every second of the day above every other duty or obligation in the world, I can see how that not only puts a burden on them, but takes away from the world if it were to need my help, let alone God, but they say God doesn't need my help, which I find complete bullshit, but am open to.

My next step is to stay keen on the reasoning behind why I act out and want this person so badly. For one I want to use them to control, and then I want to feel superior or inferior when connected to them for all to see. That person might think I am the most hideous creature to ever be created, and I don't care, I want her and that is the end all be all of my agenda, and that considers nothing that she would want, and that is wrong, that is tyranical, and although I can't change, I can see that me being me is wrong for her being her. This is a great fact I can accept, I can accept that me getting what I want would be worse for her, and I can give up, I should give up for everyone else's benefit.

Things become clearer when I do that, I'll just fuck other chicks like I would fuck her. I'd fuck with love, love fucker, big dick love fucker. Sorry that one just slipped!

No I'm just playing, I'm going to get serious about giving myself to whomever God wants me to sleep with. I've still got that ideal, and it's bigger than the agenda, the agenda fades and becomes a brittle memory when I focus on the ideal.

I can move on, I am not resentful, bitter a bit, but not too shattered at the rejection, and that is very big for me. I was rejected once by someone of authority and it stuck me in bed for three months, at least today I can just move on and accept it.

I've got these laws to memorize and get to know. I found out the educational institution I attend is basically a science driven foundation, and that is why I am not clicking with it. I'm the most secure as an artist, which is a science in itself far from traditional science, there is no process in creation when it comes to art, unless you're method is methodical or meticulous, but that doesn't leave much room for the abstract or absolute demands Art requires.

Also there aren't many feelings in Science, and most of the science centered personnel are too frustrated or pent up to truly vent reality, now argument will accrued from this opinion, but fuck em', they always want to argue and be important. Fuck em.

I mean fuck em as in fuck them, if you're too big of an idiot to see that. Fucking big piece of shit fucking asshole you love to fuck assholes idiot.

I am sure I could get a diagnosis of Tourettes.

I am going to ask God to give me feelings.

I'm going to read the news now.

Sorry I thought this was a journal, I didn't realize I was writing this where it could be seen by others. I would not post it but there is too much good stuff at the beginning to let the bad stuff make the decision, so hope I am not offending anyone but if I am offending you I am just one man talking shit and you're a weakling if you get offended by one man talking shit. Remember it is just one man. Maybe I am sent here to let you know internally you should ignore shit talkers?

Ok, I'm done talking shit.

Self important superiority causes you to be offended or find enemies where there are none, one way or the other. This misinterpretation is the source of most of your problems, as well as most of the problems of humankind

Wayne W. Dyer

Wow so amazing to see how much people are still using this post and the influence it is having on them. I am so glad of everyone's progress and hope everyone can learn to recongnize and act on their weaknesses. It is day 18 for me and everyday i am getting stronger and have more conviction in myself. Life is going great now and i have been so strong lately. I want everyone to see themsslves in the future and how happy they can be if they choose to. I have decided to choosethis life because there are too many amazing things in it for me tio ruin it. Hoping to keep going, check in as much as i can and continue living my life they way i have now for these past 18 days,in actual happiness and feeling of other better things that actually give my life meaning.

Hello....I am checking in...I have been thinking about surrender...how often in the past I have surrendered to my sexual thoughts, impulses, and obsessions without a thought to the higher power or reaching out to a sponsor...here's a summary of a meditation....wishing everyone a great day.

Surrender is hard work--it is intense warfare against our self-centered nature. You are free to choose what you surrender to but you are not free of the consequences of your choice. The greatest hindrance to God's blessing is not others, but ourselves (self will, stubborn pride, ambition). Surrendering is not a one time event. There is a moment of surrendering, and there is the practice of surrendering, which is moment by moment and lifelong

Checking in.

It's a great day, I don't feel compelled to speak or like I have to in order to make a difference.

I feel very healthy.

Have a great day.

Hello...I'm checking in...hitting the road soon again...praying for strength and courage to stay spiritually fit....wishing everyone a good day

Checking in.

I am acting out. I have understood I am acting out because of character defect, not out of choice. The existence of character defect is prompting me to act out. I cannot cope with the guilt I have from having the character defects, so I am trying to avoid the pain of knowing above everything else, that I am not doing the right thing, when living life using character defect.

In the SAA literature I am doing all the things labeled character defects. There are about 30 of them, and yesterday I did each and everyone, and had each and every emotion.

The good news is I don't have to beat myself up because God is the only one who can remove the character defects, so my acting out is just what happens to me as a sex addict whilst existing functioning off character defect.

One defect that is really beating the shit out out of me is grandiosity. It's amazing I haven't drank just from the grandiosity. The grandiosity is terrible because it sets me up to imagine I am more important than I actually am, and then it paves the way for depression when reality proves to me I am not as important as the grandiosity creates.

I also haven't been filling the void of character defect with character asset. For example since I recognize the grandiosity, I have to find the opposite. The opposite is reality, and accepting that I am just a normal person and one of many who isn't that important. It does alleviate pressure, unneeded pressure that harms, and I want to harm when pressured, and I know this is an unacceptable reaction, unless the pressure is from an abuser, this thing really is a process.

Thank God I don't have a wife or a girlfriend or children or own a company or have a major role in the protection or security of society. I am just a semi-young person trying to re-create his life, and the pressure is little to none if looked at square and clearly.

I expect so much out of myself, directly due to the dictation of grandiosity, and I find it weak not to expect much out of myself. I am not saying others are weak for having average expectations, I am saying I have great expectations for myself, and it is creating pressure, and I am the abuser, and that is hard to admit and accept, but it makes me more peaceful.

I don't need anyone, but I might have to take care of one of God's children some day, so I need to prepare to be committed and unselfish, but I can't do it alone as a sex addict, I need to have God do the major work, and continue to commit to the ideals.

Thanks, have a great day.

Until we realize that every time we act out we are making a choice to feed the addiction nothing will change for us. We can blame even the dog for it but it boils down that we are choosing addiction over change because change implies taking responsibility for the unhealthy choices we make.

It is easier to blame than to take responsibility.I know because for 30 years I did it but eventually life will see to it that we make the right choices. So every time we choose to act out, we are actually making the addiction more important than us (it fools into thinking we do not have a choice because it feels that way but somewhere we know this a lie we have swallowed because it is easier)

So grandiosity or self importance are simply smoking mirrors, it is not that we are not important, we all are as we all are a part of this intricate web called life but we are no more important than a fly or a tree or a cloud.

In short not taking responsibility keeps us stuck, we may protest but however long we protest, life forces this upon us and when finally do, we realize just how overblown our fears have been. As the saying goes, until we man up and pull ourselves by our boot straps and start living healthy nothing will ever change for us.

This is why I think the first commandment was told because when we make man made things our gods: money, drugs, porn, etc mayhem ensues or has anyone has ever noticed?


Wolf (5 years sober)