Checking in.

I am a sex addict and it makes life worse on the inside when I act out. Being worse on the inside creates un-manageability. I am the problem, the outside world pisses me off because my insides aren't right, because of the sexual addiction. Life will never be as good as it is supposed to be if I am acting out, the denial that it is better when I am acting out is the obstacle to be passed.

I have an inner obsession with finding relief through sexual activity, relief from a mind that cannot accept or cope with reality or the way people are as humans generally. Attached with resentment, then more so with a fear that I will be judged by others if they know I look at porn and masturbate, is a constant burden on happiness daily.

The frustrating element is I want to stop, but can't, I do not have the power to fully allow myself to stop, the compulsion and the obsession are great enough in where it prevents any generated willpower to make the ultimate decision over theirs. It has worked in others though, some form of power ending the cycle, so it is possible, and it is possible through God.

Even though I am still in denial with my actions and am acting out by viewing gangbang pornography and pornography that includes older women manipulating and controlling me sexually, I am viewing porn differently, it is as if God is watching it with me and pointing out small things that are making me turned off from the voyerism.

For instance, when the guys ejaculate into the women's mouths, most of the women flinch or are repulsed, but since they are working they must not be able to show that reality, because what porn is going to sell where the "whore" doesn't enjoy the ejaculate "cumming" on them? Some of the actresses I have noticed are in a delusional and psychotic state at the end of the scenes when the ejaculating on their faces and mouths occurs. It is almost as if they are completely insane and out of touch with the reality that anyone in their right minds would hate semen on their face or mouth. In their psychosis they show us ignorant males who think without God the woman really wants the cum, like she is saying. The fact is the woman doesn't want the cum, and it is just entertainment to make money, on great big lie, like Hollywood, and also when the women are having rough intercourse, and acting like they are enjoying it, God has been suggesting to me that they really aren't enjoying it, and they are lying to us making us believe they are enjoying it, so they can have more control and power over us! Very immature.

I was in thought the other day and burst out with laughter at the suggestion from God that my god had ended up at this point being an older woman in a thong with tattoes and an evil smile. What a choice! Why would I pick a God like that, well it is because of my own manipulation and my own desire for control, I am forgetting by watching the porn I am witnessing the sex addict in action, most if not all of the time! Another thing is all of my information is coming from porn sexually! I think porn is sex! Porn is a great way to make money if you want the cold hard truth. Porn has nothing to do with the nature of procreative sex, it has everything to do with the selfish aspects people can attain if viewing sex as something that doesn't require respect.

It's a very frustrating problem, some of the women are gorgeous, to the point of their figures are perfectly molded sometimes, then some of the others who have been modified, bigger lips, bigger tits, you can tell get the business angle of the industry more so than the real angels of sex, I'll call them.

I have to admit I have no power over these angels of sex if it came to denying how much I desire and want their bodies. If that is offensive or frightening for them, I get how that is a problem, and I get how that is selfish, and I get how that could lead to great harm. I think not punishing myself for healthy physical figures and just accepting I like them more than life itself involuntarily is very important. A great source of pain for me is not being able to connect with these women emotionally and also not being able to say no if they want to force themselves on me.

I really enjoy that "punishment" and I think it comical, I'm not the guy who "beats pussy up", as horrible as that sounds and is, I am the guy who is used and fucked by women, kind of a major pussy, and I am in denial of that, and I am showing so with my rants, because if looked at squarely, what guy who acts "hard" like I losses every time when it comes to avoiding tempestuous women?

Well Micheal Petraeus lost, Clinton lost, some would say Jordan lost, Kobe lost, Obama has probably lost a few times, Cosby on the other hand took another approach, Cosby must have taken the abuse before abused approach. My point is it is ok for me to be weak in this area, and actually I am grateful if I did have one weakness, this is it, but the fact remains life becomes worse when I act out, and acting out for me is watching gangbang porn, involving individuals that I now see might not be working with a full deck, and I can see how paying attention to them could be manipulating my mind to think fantasy could actually be reality.

I've always thought porn stars were born to be porn stars, and I've never really ever seen anything wrong with what they are doing, but the more I ask God to show me the truth, he lovingly keeps telling me it is just business, and it is just a way to make money, and the professional porn employees are well aware of that, and like it or not it is their calling and destiny. Not everyone can be pure and Christlike, much to religions displeasure because again that would take away from the money flow they demand, which in my opinion is worse than the business of porn, at least porn doesn't lie and hide it's income behind some gay ass shit like "it's the will of God" or "you'll go to hell." I have more respect for porn because those people seem to know their roles and are taking it in stride, playing the cards they were dealt, it's funny how people want to demean the porn industry but every studio or quality site never hides the fact at the bottom of their homepage that they comply with regulation and have no intention of breaking the law.

I guess what I'm saying is I am on the plane of out growing porn, and as long as it has taken, my resentment and frustration are leaving as well. However it is starting with the denial breaking, and also it is improving with the acceptance that the religious industry is way worse than the porn industry, the religious industry uses God to control and earn, the porn industry just uses sex.

The real Satan is organized religion, and I don't give a damn if I end up looking like a lunatic for saying it and ruffling feathers, it's clear that true perversion is organized religion and I can't think of one larger institution that has a desire for control, attitude of entitlement, superiority, inferiority (repentance), and selfishness (how dare the church ask for a percentage of the hard working man's salary when it preaches in million dollar structures.)

Like it or not I know God, the church knows man's idea of God, which is really just man himself, it's not coincidence that the best man could do was produce a man God which they then called a "Christ", but my question is wouldn't a messiah or savior make peace before war? Jesus is responsible for all the crusades, the Spanish inquisition, the Holocaust, the Iraq war, yet people preach he is the savior? What savior produces genocides and violent conflict and division during and after his arrival?

Well damn me to hell if you may, that sounds more like a devil than a God, and truth be told Jesus is the damn Devil, however that is just my opinion, so don't get your panties in a wad, I am equally entitled to my opinion, like the man created and man driven church, so don't hate me, and as a matter of fact, don't hate anybody.

I'm tired of blaming porn for the unattainable demands the organized religions have imposed on this world, it's time for people to start calling these bastards out, they are just as bad as the pornographers exploiting others for capital gain, and in my opinion they are worse because they are using God to control as opposed to pornographers only using sex.

Can someone help me with this, am I wrong? Maybe my analysis of Jesus is wrong? I am just calling it how I see it and speaking from my own experience and assumed ignorance as well. I just have a hard time giving credence to murders throughout history and greedy money takers called a "church", then in turn vilifying pornographers who are providing everything everyone wants to do sexually, especially the religious who would never admit it, because Jesus might send them to fire and brimstone, which probably doesn't even exist, and is a great tool of control and power sustanition.

Please help me understand if possible, and if not, which is probably the honest to God truth, forgive me if I offend, it might just be my denial still running the show. But then again it might just be God fed up with the church creating great awakening, so who knows?

Have a great day.

Checking in.

Checking in with myself basically. What is the difference of this and masturbating rather than taking someone on a date?

I am not sure, but it is a display of faith that some day someone will reach out and say "ok, you idiot, I'm ready to work with you despite your flaws."

I think I do a rather good job myself however, and if I am the one who has to teach myself, so be it. The program or the common thought of recovering is doing it by yourself is not possible, however I know several men who never had a sponsor in their recoveries from alcoholism, and if the truth must be told, God is the real "sponsor" of us all.

If we choose to honor his direction, which isn't taught on the news, or in school, or in the trends of this century. Now I am going to try to stick to recovering from sexual addiction, calling Jesus the Devil yesterday lingered with me the whole day, and it didn't help, even if I do believe it to be some what truth.

Today do I know that I am in denial every time I think masturbating to pornography is a solution? Yes. Do I know what is required to get past that delusion? No. Why don't I know that? I don't know that because I haven't gotten that far in this recovery yet. Is that ok? Yes. Am I willing to learn and understand what it takes to grow past the denial and accept? Yes.

Do I own a compulsion that is so terrifying and consequential that I take a risk every time I act sexually in a compulsive agenda? Yes I own it and that is who I am, this is a very hard truth to accept, and the fact that I might have been born to only masturbate and might have ruined a chance at loving women I was probably born to make feel good, in a perfect world, is very painful. I was born to masturbate to sick individuals exploiting sex and profiting from it, but more so I had a concurrent destiny to please women with love that doesn't include any profit motive. I choose the former, selfishly, and the outcome has been me becoming a lonely bachelor who probably will just earn money, help other people in a non-sexual way, silently mourn the truth that I took the gift of sexual satisfaction with another person away from my path selfishly, and that is pretty much the story.

Now that reeks of self-pity, I am certain there are large degrees of dishonesty in that as well, who knows, I could be broke tomorrow with all the bullshit I've been preaching, so let's go forward and see what today has to offer in terms of me staying sexually sober from both the inner and middle circle behavior. The inner circle behavior is masturbating to rough and boundary-less gangbang pornography. I do this because I have a subtle displeasure with women's design internally, but override that with a disproportional obsession with their physicality, and it is harmful to both I and the women every time I commit such an act. To commit time to viewing a gangbang, to supply the sick woman's selfish desire of her own to be seen as a victim, then use that to gain more from those she hates in the world, by deception and manipulation (controlling fashions), is not a Godly way of doing business on the inside for me. Middle circle behavior for me are secret and exciting affairs with women unhappy in marriage, or who are overly secure in being sexual at an age above 40. Masturbating to them posing and having sex, although not as detrimental as watching the gangbangs internally for me, can lead to great frustration and also a disturbed assessment of how to "deal" with women over 40 who I will admit I am more attracted sexually to those under 40 currently. I am aware most men find that abnormal, and I think that is another reason why it occurs, it is my own selfish agenda for attention, and maybe my own silent attempt to become a victim due to overwhelming shame and guilt.

I've never created an outer circle, well my outer circle has been to be a wealthy bachelor who fucks when he wants, does what he wants, when he wants, not linked to anyone, not in a relationship, not burdened by the demands of women who are gifted sexually. I guess a more practical outer circle would be, since my temperment will never serve money the way a more calm and composed individual could, would be just meeting one girl, who flies under the radar, doesn't need attention, is keen I am a huge bullshit identifier, makes her own money, isn't a bitch when the pressure is on, and loves me for who I am completely.

Well only God has done that so far, if you've read my prior writings you'll agree it is a hard choice to love me, if not impossible, so I don't think it impractical to have two outer circles. Both will serve unselfishness, I can be unselfish, spare the "fucking" if a bachelor who works for society and others daily, or I can be unselfish if I have a girlfriend or wife I want to build with. I know I can't claim unselfish masturbating to the gangbanged and I also can't be as spiritual as I want jerking off to over 40 types who by the way are really doing a good job at looking exceptional these days. It is the attitude that is so attractive, I can't handle the young woman's attitude these days, way too demanding and irrational from this vantage point. Bringing an empty plate to the table but acting like you've given us all a feast, they need the most help, the Cyrus's, the little brats who...composure, stop.

No need to start the new year off with a rant that pushes people away.

I hope everyone has a great year.

Checking in.

I finished the SAA green book this morning. Each day I woke up and read it section by section. Tomorrow I will start over. The greatest news is sexual sobriety doesn't include abstinence from sex like I thought at the beginning! Sexual sobriety includes abstaining from sex acts that cause pain and harm, both spiritually, mentally, and in some cases physically.

I think it no coincidence it was a successful night last night as well! I also think it is no coincidence it was the first day of a new year, I also think it is no coincidence that I worked extremely hard yesterday on within all sorts of adversity and ego deflating means. People who have no business having a problem with me have been having major problems with me, mostly because they are just sick people with nothing better to do, and I've just been taking it in stride. Just reading my rants, I think it is alright to agree that me sitting there taking bullshit that is immature and ridiculous if looked at sanely, is basically a miracle. I have the set of instincts that tell me to end all bullshit, with no regard for the consequence of remorse or punishment. Admitting 99% of people are going to be major pains in the ass if given the chance through freedom, constituted freedom, to do so, is very liberating, mainly because I have no a good reason to detach, however being aware of the liability of loneliness and isolation, I can work on compassion and no longer seeing them as entities of God. Most of them are entities of aggravated and selfish sex, products of relieving pain, intercourse that births literal walking pains of asses on the earth.

My parents must have been having a very bad day when I was created! I am a major pain in the ass, all day, every day, and me thinking I have the right to call other's "pains in the ass" is just as bad as me calling other's "pains in the ass."

The inconsiderate thing is someone might have acted out last night, creating a literal pain in their ass, and here I am volleying the word "pain in the ass" without considering their might be someone reading this with a pain in the ass!

Major pain in the ass shit, so what can I do today to not be a pain in the ass. I can admit if I watch porn where the sex consists of ass fucking more than vagina fucking, I will be a pain in the ass!

Fucking as ass is an acting out behavior for me I am seeing through speculation and a visionary process of assessment. Through this assessment, I see if I woman wants me to fuck her ass in the future it is a no go, I actually will probably get up and walk away immediately if she mentions it, and this includes after proposal also, marriage wise that is.

When they ask, "why did you end the engagement?", I'll be caught in a crossroads of if I should be honest and tell them she wanted ass fucking and that was a deal breaker?

If I saw that chick Sia in public and her peoples weren't around her I'd simply engage directly towards her psyche and state, "why do you not want us to see your face?" That chick has a beautiful face and it is a crime for her to distort that reality, and it pisses me off, and that is some fuck shit, similar to her getting fucked in the ass, getting fucked in the ass will make you think people shouldn't see your face.

Of course I hope everyone acknowledges I am excluding the homosexual dudes faction of society, sorry boys, your ass fucking seems to be permissible as an exception from the great bearded man in the sky. The great white bearded man in the "pull my finger" picture painted by the European earlier in times.

It is very necessary for me to state that ass fucking if you are a woman is disgusting and you should have great shame. How about you stop telling us to fuck your asses so we can see your faces more?

It is equally necessary for me to admit this is solely opinion based, so if ass fucking is your thing, who I am to judge? Like Pope Francis says after he has fantasized about ass fucking, "who am I to judge?" Seriously though, I am realizing, and now have been taught, that anything that doesn't create love and gentleness is acting out for me or any sex addict of my similar design.

To all young women out there wondering, no not all of us are interested in fucking your ass, in fact some of us are repulsed by the reality that you believe that is what makes us tick, sex and sex all the time, it's actually a bit disrespectful too. This includes all women actually, stop lying to us and giving us the green light to fuck your asses if you're not really into it or are going to hate us after. You shouldn't have lead us on to think it was a go and could be helpful if the effect is going to be your hate filled wrath that indiscriminately picks on us and abuses us all as males.

Get your mind right, it's time to cut off the cake and eat it too society.

Have a great day.

Nightly Check In.

I am producing a nightly check in for my recovery. Right around this time I get the urge to act out, it is always after a long and exhausting day, and I am exhausted in fact and it was a long day again to no surprise, so I figure, checking in, and speaking about the day, might help the urge or compulsion to lay in the bed and act out.

I have had some significant changes both subtly and not so subtly recently, and it created sort of an eye opening opportunity to really commit to ceasing porn viewing completely. First I finished the SAA book, secondly I got some poor financial news that is suggesting I might not gain some income I had been assuming would be going thru, and thirdly my internet provider sent me a message that I was using too much data. Now I have a roommate, and that roommate might have been the cause of the data problem, because I don't do much internet surfing actually aside of porn, and that isn't too great of an amount, but I kind of took it as a sign or suggestion that now would be a great time to add complete sobriety to my story.

If all goes well, my sexual sobriety will be the first of the year, as a sobriety date, I can chronicle this whole year, easily as a calendar, these first six months I will be so busy I won't have time to act out, and I've learned from my alcohol and drug recovery this; If you have an obvious opportunity to escape the madness and the confusion of addiction, I should not hesitate to do so.

With that being said, I think checking in both in the morning and at night is wise and will help in this process.

Did I get resentful today? Was I selfish today? Was I dishonest today? Was I afraid today? Was I in an entitled mind state today attitude wise? Was I desiring more control or control in general? Was I feeling better or worse than others in an extreme irrational sense?

Did I get jealous today? Did I experience unharnessed lust? Was there anyone or anything I envied today? What assets did I acquire or what good deeds did I do today that helped others?

I got resentful, I was resentful when I woke up from a nap, knowing I had to go to work. I was selfish in where at work I was using another employee because I felt the need to judge him as lazy. I suppose that was a mild form of punishment and abuse, I could have done the task myself, but wanted to exert the power I had more so. I was dishonest in where I gave answers at work that I didn't completely know were true, simply because I wanted to stave off embarrassment from not knowing. I forgot that lying to others hurts their chances of making the best decisions and having the best life possible.

Was I afraid today? I was afraid that reality was telling me the truth, and it was, and it had to do with poor character having people, people who expect too much, but give too little. I know that is accusatory so I will stop. I was afraid I would punish them, they don't need punishment, they need to be accepted as imperfect and friends.

Chief Justice John Roberts calls parties in Supreme Court cases "friends" of the court, and I like that attitude in where all around are "friends" or at least potential friends.

I did experience jealousy, I have an infatuation with a famous singer, and if you've followed my posts you know who, and I bought a musicians album they did a performance with, and my jealousy is telling me to tell others their music sucks. Significantly immature I will agree. I am jealous, and need major help with the sickness jealousy causes, I have no clue even where to begin with a combat offensive against jealousy, however if it is part of the illness, which some might say it is, I think handing it over to God's insight and knowledge is the best course. To think I could be jealous over a hideous creature who would probably die at first sight of me makes me less jealous, and if that didn't make sense don't even bother trying to figure it out, my point is I blow the shit out of proportion.

Did I lust after something today? I lusted once today, in where I knew it was straight lust. I lust after older women, 40-ish types usually, and I very much enjoyed their developed rear ends. As embarrassing as that is to say out loud, it is the truth, and I can get "stuck" just by seeing an older woman's jeans who is very beautiful for "her age." Actually I think 40 to 50 year old women are the most beautiful people on earth, spirit wise, but the point is I was captured by her ass, and wanted to start a romantic relationship with her because of it, and I don't see the problem with that, except that she was with another man, who was probably her husband. So lust had the power to make me deny another man's right and value to have a wife, and I don't have to do that if I don't want to, and I don't want to, so that is growth. Does she still have the beautiful ass to my eyes and is that ever going to change? No, it will never change, I will always see her ass as beautiful and the only thing that should be getting anyone's attention, but that in turn will make her uncomfortable, and again, it is the selfish lust that is problematic in the romancing and captivation. The ass is just one part of an awesome given by God body, so it is a focus thing, I am focusing on the wrong thing, and making women uncomfortable in the process, not cool.

I had a good attitude today, I found value in being comedic, I managed money well, I got some rest, I did some laundry, I cooked, read, treated others with respect and used my energy to make their day better.

Now I am going to go to sleep, and if the urge or obsession decides to impose it's will on my mind, I have a smartphone I can log onto YouTube with and listen to sexual addiction education and AA speaker tapes if I have to, so my mind won't focus on porn images.

Today was a good day.

Checking in.

Successful night last night. On the pace, or at this pace, from experience, or due to a severe history, a surge of horny-ness is right around the corner. What am I going to do when I experience it, and it is the dopamine surge that is really the problem.

First I am going to admit it is not worth fighting. Next I am going to (I was watching a video by the rapper French Montana and he looks like Humpty from the Digital Underground group Tupac started with) do nothing so God can give me an out.

I don't know what to expect from this, I was thinking in the past I needed to be sexually recovered to be more powerful and to have better defense essentially. I think that is still the case, however I think God wants me to be more complete. I think if I stick to the plan, commit for a year, then commit daily for life, then commit for eternity, I'll just be one big walking commitment to anyone who wants to do business, this will lead to lots of loyalty, unity, service, and friends.

Is that just my illness wanting world domination though? Possibly. Can I be alright with just being a normal guy working for God without anyone else knowing? I think I can, and if I do it over and over again, I might experience an elimination of all the "bullshit" people would kill for. Once you're in to that societal norms bullshit, and have conformed to that repulsive standard of societies acceptance usually consisting of petty bullshit that ruins people's character and has absolutely no love attached or generating the process, you're screwed, and it is hard to get out.

The more successful I am in society, the more the society loses the spotlight, so is being successful in society ideal? A lot of time it just seems a person works towards more misery than happiness in this current society. Maybe it is the course for growth people need, a society of childish ideals and people of important who if looked at honestly aren't that important. In fact I would argue they are more unimportant because they do little with their power, and they require more bullshit in the process, and we look up to all of them for answers, but they can't admit they just fell into the right circumstance at the right time. There is no difference between them and the bum, except for the bullshit standard of society, that points important to things that just make people exhausted, tired, and stressed to the point of hatred in the end.

I don't owe this society shit, the rules and ideals they have taught me bear no weight on what the real world demands outside the in crowd society. I do owe God, God has been there when the society has had it's fill of me, and the society is an extension of God, even though the society uses it's own free will to determine substance, so I can take the high road and participate in the society full of God's children, and if that means I have to humble myself and do what society demands, that's fine, but I won't keep my mouth shut in the process, if societies is acting like a bitch, I'm going to call it a bitch and then treat it like a bitch in the process too. I owe that to God, right? Hold one one minute, is it my job to change society because I have a problem with it? Not really. A lot of people thrive in the society, so is there a general problem or do I just have the problem?

I have the problem, and the denial was trying to push that problem or pass that buck to the society, but it is my hatred of the society and reality that is the problem. I now feel normal because I admitted that. The hatred, is a huge portion of my sexual addiction, and after consulting with an adviser yesterday, I after some thought, am stuck with the harsh reality that not very many women have given me the respect I deserve as a human being.

From my Mother on down the line, never have I been completely respected or listened to, and that creates resentment and hatred. Also that has modified my mentality to think I am the enemy of women, and that distortion has allowed me the green light to punish them and fight against them. Well fighting with women is the business of "little girl shit" and you're a little girl if you fight with women in my opinion. Today's woman wants a fight more so than not, and I think grounds for avoiding that complication is avoiding them, and portioning that reserved love towards God, the one who never wants a fight and who always wants to love.

I don't have time for today's woman, and I don't feel guilty or shame about that one bit.

They did it to themselves.

And the dudes promoting them as the best thing since sliced bread, simply because they want the pussy and are willing to lie about it, should be ashamed of themselves for fucking up the game. Stop telling them lies, just so you can feel good.

There it is again, more hatred and resentment. My former belief system has a component in it that won't allow forgiveness, if you screw me once, you've screwed yourself forever. Am I willing to change that philosophy? Well that is hard to do if I have no appraisal of value for man or the society. I am secure in that philosophy because it creates or opens the door for a specialized class that is "bullshit free" and non-aggravational to deal with.

In about a month I am going to do the Steps again according to the SAA program, I have some deep defect according to the world that is making it hard for me to acquire power, basically I am not open to being a bitch for a bitch, the world, and as long as the world is a bitch to me, it's going to be hard for me not to want to fuck it, cum all over it's face, then tell it to get gone.

Maybe I need to start doing good things for the world like picking up litter, paying attention to the environment, I already support wildlife. I pay attention to how to get power more so than I pay attention to being good for the world. I am at odds with the world though, so I see no reason, literally as a quantifying matter, to be good for it. The people make me angry, the systems make no sense, the leaders are leaders they are all attention whores and grown children, and the substance is ripe for overthrow. I am amazed at how this world has avoided humility for so long? Anything else would have been shattered by now.

Well I think molding my communication from the "crazy talk" base, to a more generalized down to earth tone will help me respect the world more. The world isn't going to respect guys like me, too dominant and too wise for it's core means, means that use others and produce bullshit more so than not.

So I am thinking, after writing all this from a flood of resentment, due to having to accommodate the impractical, I need less condemnation, less hatred, less opinion, less criticism, less annoyance, less problems with the world. However it doesn't mean I have to act like I am a part of the core, because I am not, and it just doesn't click with me like it does a normal person, however I can play nice, and participate in this bullshit, like it matters, knowing damn well nothing matters in the end.

Have a great day.

Nightly check in.

Today was an average day. A resentment kept popping up concerning pretentious people. I kept saying "I can't wait to tell everyone has pretentious people are so insecure and weak that they have to pretend everything is alright and also pretend that high standards needing their approval is a way of life." I, found it was linked to a time I spent out in California, in where I was in a group of friends who found comedy in the pretentious crowd of L.A.

I understand I have no respect for the pretentious, and I get angry when I have to serve them. I see no good reason to serve that kind of mind that clearly can be manipulated easily, and again is breed from insecurity, but those are all problems and more so me bitching and complaining about something I don't like with my ego.

So, I took some time to ask how am I pretentious? I'll spare people the details, and I can't help but admit I have my own "pretentious tendencies" so I am really not that different from the pretentious crowd after all. I still would rather be down to earth more so, and again I can find swift hilarity in witnessing and more so being "ordered" by the pretentious, and it was the resentment that was harming me. The resentment blocks me off from true inspiration and true understanding of who I am, and when I am not resentful at the pretentious, they can be pretentious all they want, it doesn't bother me a bit. If you want to pretend you're a god or pretend you're more important than others, go right ahead, what difference does it make to me? Well in my right mind it makes no difference to me and it will bear no weight on my ultimate outcome, which is eternal love from God, and a very pleasant life.

If you want to wear dark sunglasses and act like that french bitch who started a revolution by spending money on gowns and jewelry rather than feed her people, only to meet a beheading violently in the end, go ahead, again, what difference does it make to me? I'm talking about the French Revolution, in where Louis the 16th and his superficial pretentious wife thought they could purchase and eat away a peasantry out for blood due to starving. Major idiots those two, and they got what people of pretentious natures usually get, unnecessary pain in the end. If they would have been nicer, more considerate, and more likable it might have turned out a little more acceptable, but they didn't, and they met the guillotine and history hates them as well.

I am in danger of being preyed upon by someone I might be around in the future, however I will behave around her like I just recently behaved around another woman who probably has a fantasy if being saved by a shining armor type. Today she gave me a frustrated look and I just rolled my eyes and forgot she was in the room, I can't compete with that demand, not only is it not justifiable, but it is way too dominant in a controlling manner.

How am I hoping to be saved by a cinderella, and how do I demand unjustifiably while dominant and controlling? For starters I criticize way too much to be considered passive, I'm kind of like Trump, I"m not shy on opening my mouth and telling you how much you could be doing better, usually by making you look small in the presence of others. Most if not all people, again spare a few, maybe even less than that, can respond well to that type of tough love or agenda to build, and I admit it is misdirected hope, with a dominant angle, inconsiderate of others feelings, not something I have to expend maximum energy towards, so tomorrow I would like to maybe criticize the pretentious a little less. I am just grateful my generating factors of drive or ambition don't align themselves with pretentious quality naturally. I could be so manipulated by trend or "having to fit in" that I question not the beckoning of irrational demand society persuades the pretentious to bow down to. Those people are bowing down to a machine, a dry no originality having machine, that will break, probably after all the mechanics are dead and gone, and it will be just a piece of shit, sitting there wasting space, just useless matter that used to matter.

I had some moments today of intense sexual perversion in my mind, blurting out things like "fuck that whore" and "take this cum bitch", and it is hilarious I am quoting my own tourettes but I've got to be honest, pretentious people were treating me like shit today as the peasant and my reaction was to cum in mouths and fuck the whores of their family as a response.

I think it is clear, this is immature, and even though my mind was saying "fuck all pretentious members whores of family and cum in the mouth", I did my best to just take the abuse, and to just take the unkind dispositions, like "poor bastards have no clue how much they suck."

Was there any feelings of superiority going on today? I did think I deserved more respect, but for some reason people don't respect me as much as I think I need, and maybe I just need disrespect so I can be motivated to detach a bit more and focus on real life solutions. I am asking for respect from the pretentious, but they can't even tell the liability of pretention! Both pretending and using a pre-text to the dialogue of delusion and misunderstanding in their heads, are liabilities, so I should be thanking God they aren't approving of me, who wants approval from the delusional and the minds who think before they know? Well I'd rather make friends with Hades and wash feet feeding him Snickers before I took the pretentious serious, so fuck em, but I don't have to be an asshole about it. Usually I just leave them in their delusional state, so they consolidate towards each other, then I just avoid that faction of opinions and delusion. The problem is enough of them are so stupid and unaware that they sometimes grow in numbers due to the recognition of others being as stupid and invaluable as they, then you get large numbers of idiots making critical decisions that affect the world for generations after.

Have a great night. Going to listen to a speaker tape.

Checking in.

I read the pamphlet on Abstinence from SAA. The thing that stuck out to me was setting up a boundary free of abusive behavior. I am a very abusive person, you can just read my rants and see that.

No rant today, I am just going to pray and work towards being less abusive, and more understanding.

Have a great day.

After about a 2 month relapse i am glad to say im on day seven free from porn...ive gain supporters from this website that have given great tips an words of wisdom. to the people struggling the way i was just there are people out there that will go out of there way to help you just have to speak up.

hope everyone has a great day

Eversole49 (a week sober and couting)

Nightly Check In.

Doing well, tired, need rest, I have to be sharp tomorrow, important day.

I have a plan for tonight in case it gets rocky, hope all had a great day.

Good Night.

Checking in.

I'm too tired to perform today. I say perform because I realize I've been lying, but I wasn't aware I was even lying. I am not sure if I mean anything that I've said.

The awesome part about it is I don't feel guilty about it at all and I also don't feel like I need to change anything I've said. With that being said I equally don't feel as if I need to say it anymore further, and I've been unusually quiet and understanding the last few days, with the results and inside feeling improving.

I have secure and tolerable feelings right now. I don't have that strong desire to hate or dominate. I suppose I am giving up, everything I've invested energy and attention towards doesn't seem very important for some reason.

Major pain is the cost though. I can't describe the mental pain and physical pain the process is requiring. I hope I am not over-inflating that, because the pain acceptance and pain tolerance are achievable, but it is not easy, however it is worth every second.

One valuable thing is I am finding out I really don't like or agree with the objects of my desires as a constant. I am finding it is easy for me to now to write them off as ridiculous and over-demanding. It's like a dictator who is delusional and needs to be ignored in order for all to cope with his requirements.

I suppose the negative aspect is I am becoming void of understanding the opposite sexes needs and requirements, making me colder and more focused on winning, resorting to lying and not caring if I have to bend rules or modify philosophies, I think that might be called a foul by the "moral" police. Dealing with these animals, who established liars manipulated into thinking they were goddesses in actuality (true pimping), is something I, if given the choice to, and it is apparent in my decision making currently that I have been granted the choice to do or do not, would rather not do, and to not have to deal with them used to give me grief, but now it is acceptable because I see the drain of the practice is well less advantageous than a little bit of pussy.

What I am saying is I don't have time to pick fights or exist within grown women who act like little girls drama. Usually higher class individuals who have nothing better to do than accuse others of not treating them like royalty. Well I don't even believe in royalty, and I think the human race is one big sucker for tolerating that bullshit, "royal blood", sounds like a status man created to have more power over other men. Sounds like someone's seed was so insecure and inferior that he, she, or they needed to boast their status on the exterior just so they could function within their own delinquency.

Where is the selfishness in this? Well the question of is isolating selfish is confusing me. For one the recovery community, in their knack for contradiction and production of unclear directives at times says the addiction breeds in isolation, however we need alone time to see things clearly? What the fuck? Do I need time to soul search or not?

Well this is an area of gray, and I had a counselor once who harped on me to not take a black and white philosophy when recovering. Basically sometimes being alone can be a time to spend with a higher power receiving guidance and knowledge, but other times alone it can be a terrible attack from the lower self's thoughts of panic, misunderstanding, and negativity.

If honest, admonishing and distancing myself from the demanding she-beast just seems right for some reason. Does it hurt that they will be left with ears open to hear lies from ass lovers and dudes who need them as trophies? A bit, I really enjoy teaching women if they listen or want unharnessed advice, however I am going to make what I need to make and do what I need to do, and that doesn't include time to build up someone with irrational demands and a delusional basis that they should be the center of attention of Queen of the World.

The great news is I am not saying "fuck em", with dual meaning. LOL! Slaying two asses with one stone saying fuck em, if you didn't get that then fuck it. Anyway, I feel like I am cutting myself off from a destined enemy who I am having little to no remorse disqualifying myself from, It seems almost more of a defeat if I keep fighting with the incompetence.

I used to think divorced individuals were doing the wrong thing fundamentally, but now I am changing that tune, it looks like people courageous to get a divorce might just be more hip than the rest of us taking a stand against the ridiculous rational of monogamous marriage. Monogamous marriage as a standard makes not as much sense as status quo supports, and if you're honestly privileged to stumble upon an existing soul mate I can understand monogamy, but what other animals sleep with only one other animal? I know we are mammals with the power to reason and analyze, but the current standard across the board has to go in my opinion, it is damning and prevents people from true happiness.

Have a great day.

Nightly Check In.

Tired and wanting to "celebrate" successful advances in life. Bored, and also tired. Not a very good combination.

Tired, irritated, lonely, afraid, what went on today that has me pent up like this?

Nothing really wrong happened today, most of it is joy and relief, and now I want to spew seed. That sounds horrible, and I am in denial that I have the power to not act out.

Am I desiring control? I am. Am I having feelings I am better than others, mixed with feelings I have it worse than anyone in the world? Yes. Do I have an attitude that I deserve to be "naughty?" Sort of. Am I functioning in a selfish spirit right now? My denial wants me to say no, so I think that is probably a yes. Am I resentful? I am resentful, annoyed, and irritated.

I am angered because I don't have someone to share this with. I am angered because I am lonely. I am angered because I have needs of intimacy I am seeing.

I did some good today towards the goal of being a better person for women. I said hi to some women today, I didn't have intentions of wrong when I did so, I was able to understand we are both humans and gender opposition is just a fact but doesn't have to be the center of difference. If the gender is ignored, we are one in the same.

Most of my information about women currently is coming from men who are older, grew up in a different time period, and could be a source of frustration, I am struggling with the men are from mars, women are from venus thinking. I think we are all just from earth.

This whole men are this way, women are that way is bothering me, I don't think it is gospel, I think we are more similar than different, and most of the men I talk to, because women rarely talk to me, seem to preach women and men are like apples and oranges.

Have a good night.

Checking in.

Whilst acting out last night I had a strong feeling, possibly in denial, that I wasn't acting out, I was watching courageous people experiencing liberation and freedom.

Then I noticed the woman was in awe, the guys were simply acting and not the monsters others probably label them, and at the point of ejaculation, starring at the blonde with the immaculate body I was powerless over, a quiet voice boldly said "she is not a threat."

I turned off my device, then slept like a baby.

Like I said last night in the nightly check in, my physical state was irritation, exhaustion, anger, not inspired, frustrated, just dull and uninspired. I have too many jaded and bitter older males giving me pessimistic advice. I think there is also a subtle influence of jealousy there, and it is annoying because it is not complete or unbiased information. Most of them don't have great opinions of women, many of them categories women as being one way and one way only, and I think much of the exhaustion is coming from having to act like I agree with the ignorance because of the power they hold over me.

I know nurturing myself, not blowing things out of proportion, never bowing to fear's commands, and remembering man is not God, works for me.

Many of these men are workaholics, who have hard driven ambition and agenda to dominate and compete, in a strange sense of security they also pay attention to details that aren't even fractional in terms of potential problems, thus birthing an overblown problem, or perceived problem, that if looked at quietly and honestly isn't a problem and never will be. Like women or example, taking these guys advice has allowed me to construct women as a potential threat, and in reality, women are hardly a problem for me, but I've had to act like they have been just to relate or associate with these guys who demand authority over me, again for reasons I don't know or care to know honestly. So I've constructed a lie in my head that women are the enemy when it's just not true.

I am scared of something that has no desire for me to be afraid of it. The cock blockers information is doing the real damage, and it is stealing valuable time with the opposite sex from me. It's a competitive agenda, and I don't do good with competition, I eliminate competition, that is competition to me. That is a problem, going to that level, just because I feel I was wronged, is a superiority thing, and also I am sort of shifting the blame to men now, and it is no coincidence that I acted out last night.

The problem, again, is me. My judgment, my actions, my ways of interpreting things, my morals, my ideals, my ambition, my defects, my selfishness, my "uniqueness" it is all the problem.

Last night I had no power, even while asking God, and even if I listened to the speaker tapes, instead of watching the scenes, I wouldn't have felt good, I think I just wanted to feel good for a while, I have been so aggravated and stressed, and that is attached to a general uncertainty of what or why I am doing half the time, well all the time actually.

Obsessive recovery is sort of making me miserable, it's kind of a greedy form of solving the problem. Yesterday I decided to take some time to nurture myself rather than sit in a meeting that is more than not joyous on average most of the time, and it made me feel whole.

I don't want to talk myself out of sustaining my recovery plan, and I mean recovery in a sense of progression towards a life of complete unselfishness, directly affecting desires to "escape" or "enter oblivion", so these might just be growing pains. For instance, today I am worried I won't be the perfect agent in AA! Crazy, the society is designed for imperfection, yet I am thinking it's requirement is perfection! Clearly a little too outside the box today, and I don't know what I need honestly.

I do know I have done lots of good recently, and pain is the catalyst for progress, if euphoric all the time I am not growing, flowers don't just spring up from the ground in seconds and then ever last for centuries beautifully to be seen, they take time to grow and need to be nurtured and taken care of by outside factors. Flowers can also get damaged if in a storm, so maybe I need to shelter myself from storms more?

One huge difference I have noticed between AA and SAA is AA talks and concentrates more on the powerlessness of managing the life, after the illness (craving then obsession) has been removed. SAA, or most of the members I read and have listen to through their writings, seems to be missing the mark on the futility of self-reliance. Self-reliance will not work with addiction, I just experience that last night. God is going to have to do the great work he does for me to have any reliance on ceasing sexual impulsivity and compulsion.

The great news is I equally don't have any power to fuel or generate guilt, or shame, because I know if I would have had it my way, I would have just continued watching the show I was watching that wasn't sexual in nature, and would have been speaking of how last night was successful. Last night was my clear evidence of powerlessness, and now I have more compassion for the porn industry and sex addict, we aren't bad people, we just don't have the components on the inside to say no. Does that mean we are whores or evil, no, maybe the real whore and the real evil are the ones who have prevented man from enjoying sex for centuries? Maybe the real whore is the man of the cloth quietly hiding brothels in his vatican telling the rest of us to abstain for the "Kingdom of Heaven is near." I want to burn that Son of a Bitch down to the ground, piece of shit making laws that prevent God's gift of sex from being enjoyed.

Just a hint of resentment there, so I'll stop, and I am baffled, how can I want to stop so bad, but the illness want me to fail so much more? What kind of a God creates such a dilemma? This leads me to the question of is there even a God in the first place? The man of the cloth with the gay ass hat, so selfish he has to have his own country on a small piece of property, wishes it so, with the approval of the bearded man who looks like the Europeans who killed all the Indians coincidentally, who by he way is the "only Son of God", also coincidentally, and again how coincidental that this only son of god is the only person who can grant access to heaven. Sounds like the ultimate pyramid scheme to me! Piece of shit man making up piece of shit standards and ridiculous stories to gain innocent people's rights and energies.

This is really pissing me off, all the teachings of this world, all the know-it-alls, all the superstars, all the pretentious, it's all one big lie, all one big manufacture of shit, pure shit, all of it, none of it provides freedom, it's all just one big much about nothing that is very depressing.

Have a great day.

Nightly Check In,

Today was a great day. I didn't have an obsessive calling to think only of sex scenes.

I was busy, doing responsible things, helping others. Not much else to say, still exhausted, I wish I had some other needs that weren't as exhaustive, but that is the life God is dictating for me, and I am honored to be so busy and energetic.

Is the price to be paid exhaustion, yes, but it comes with the privilege of character building, maybe the future holds a better view of the necessity to not exhaust myself, but if the exhaustion is coming from positive and honest hard work, as opposed to wrong actions and wrong motives, I think it might have some value.

Good night.

Checking in.

Whenever I read the SAA material on the SAA website, I grow the most when the women share. What that does is it dissolves the lie denial is producing that men suffer more than women do with sexual addiction.

I still see tons of self-reliance in all the sharing, and if I were able to rely on myself to stop, I would have power, I have no power to stop, so self-reliance isn't going to work. I hear it all the time, "If I just do this", or "All I need to do is..." and then the person (myself included) is acting out again or being very selfish.

I know SAA is not "affiliated" with AA, and that seems strange to me because the steps are exactly the same, except in the first step where alcohol is substituted for sexual addiction, but this is what AA says about self-reliance. AA says self-reliance will actually trick you into thinking your on the right path, until the reliance on the higher power as a need becomes real, then the addict blames him or herself for the failure, due to the self-reliance unknowingly, and fear is generated, because subconsciously we know we try as hard as possible, and still fail. We are afraid of failing, but tell ourselves we have the power to not fail in denial, and then fail, because the power isn't there clearly, and we then gain fear, because failure doesn't work in this world. Fear of failure is the product of self-reliance, and if there is God reliance, success occurs.

I am not relying on God in this sexual addiction, I am relying on SAA, and there is a lot of God in SAA, that is why the rebound-age is so quick, spiritually, however I need to completely give this thing to God.

Even posting here daily has a component of self-reliance involved that isn't helping as much as a purely driven by God plan. Here is something else AA says about sexual behavior, that SAA contradicts, only due to the compulsion aspect. AA deals with sex as if the alcoholic has a choice in behavior, or self-reliance when it comes to behaving sexually. AA, in the ideal sense, says when unknown if sex will cause problems the key for the answer is asking God particularly, if the behavior will be selfish or unselfish? If it is selfish, the alcoholic will get drunk from it due to shame and guilt, assuming the alcoholic believes in shame and guilt. A Nazi or product of Nietzche doesn't believe in shame or guilt, so what about that person? Is the behavior selfish or unselfish? If selfish it will be problematic, like me not wanting to feel the pain of recovery and escaping or "resolving" the "issue" with a few minutes of porn watching leading to orgasm producing dopamine. The unselfish action would be for me to get through the being uncomfortable, use the humility to understand that I am not the only one suffering, my ego wants the change from dopamine, not God, God wants the change to be permanent. I cannot have permanent change if I am "fixing" being uncomfortable temporarily. If temporarily exists, that steals time for permanence.

AA also says we let God be the judge. God has clearly judged me from my porn use, by preventing women from blessing me with everything they have to offer. This has been a final judgment, that I really do not like, but I did it to myself, because what God rewards a person who has this cake and eat it philosophy? I want to jerk off to hot porn stars alone, but then I also want to date and marry working women who can stand on their own and offer great things to this world. If that is not selfish, I don't know what is, and it is not surprising to me that I am lonely, single, and might never be partnered as a finality due to my actions, even if they were compulsed from an illness of no power I had control over. The power of the illness screwed up my life, I went along with it, now am a rage-aholic, confused, critical, condemning, unrighteous, despicable, a tyrant, radical, insane, and nothing accomadational for any woman who needs a strong man to support her.

All I want to do is fuck, and I have the balls to say it, without the knowledge of how immature and alienating that makes me, so no wonder I have never had a partner or a woman to love. Furthermore my delusions of grandeur that stem from one woman finding me physically attractive in high school, convinced me that any woman in the world, including Taylor Swift, would be mine if I wanted them. Well I'm sure Swift would spit out "scum bag" with her eyes on sight if she and I were in the same room, with my negative smile and aura of impoverished influence.

Again, God has judged me as a finality, and as a young man a voice, similar to the one I spoke of yesterday would tell me quietly "don't do it" as I acted out. From an early age I just wanted a partner, someone to love and take care for like my Dad does with my Mom, but my dumb-ass, a current theme in this life by the way (being a dumb ass) has eliminated that from my course of living, and it is sad and shocking quiet honestly.

I will say I have been given larger love for other things in it's place though, and since my selfish acting out with delusions of grandeur, horribly (or whorably) humanistic instincts of reasoning's, and bad example of how to utilize sexuality, have been making all the decisions, I can see how my self-reliance won't keep me sober. My self-reliance is going to be long winded, and wordy, saying all the right things, but at the end of the day the compulsion to act out is still present and making the loudest comments, and I am listening to it.

If my self-reliance were good enough, I wouldn't have acted out last night, and there is nothing further to say. AA talks about the key to not being deceived by self-reliance is God reliance, and prayer, asking God to direct our attention to what his plan, the best of all, is for us, this removes the fear of knowing the self-reliance is the equivalent of failure, and we then loose the fear, and gain more energy to do God's plan. My self-reliance is telling me I will have a mate one day, but no woman in their right mind would give herself a chance with me, and I don't want to date a woman in their wrong mind, but I will fuck them, and I think that is the problem, that is the selfishness, fucking a woman who isn't in her right mind I can't say is service intended for their plan within God's plan, they need someone healthier than I who isn't just dominated by an agenda to fuck, even though the fucking is loving and would be fun, and probably healthy, me fucking women in their wrong mind, is taking time away from the man who isn't just concerned with fucking, and is concerned with loving and nurturing them.

I have enough humility to say I have more energy towards other concerns than loving and nurturing a woman, because I have seen many women do it on their own, and I think any influence I bring, being a handsome and "wrong" fucker, won't help them find their prince charming or grow closer to God. Worldly I'm the bad guy, the guy who does fuck your girl when you get cocky, the guy who does compliment your wife when you are hating her, the guy who only wants to fuck.

Not only am I compulsed to masturbate to women getting fucked, giving head, wearing lingerie, being "naughty" (and enjoying it as well), I am the guy who leads with "you ready to fuck" as the pick up line. LOL! Major scumbag.

Fortunately God is leading me in a direction where my energies can focus on things that really mean something to me, law, governments, budgeting, concern for the sick, noble requests that pull my attention away from Neo-Whores, who I have no shame in proclaiming love for. I love them, sue me!

That kind of reliance, a love for whores, even the whores will tell you just won't work if called or required from others to do things such as lead, consult, support, generate, sustain, etc. The world is beckoning my help and all I am responding with is "yea but can you believe the ass on that whore?"

I mean whore in the nicest way, this is not some King of England shit, this is American me, whores are very important to us, the word whore has lost it's negative connotation like the word nigger has lost it's negativity with niggas saying the word in every sentence, whites and latins included.

You feel me? Well probably not, but ok I'll stop, love you whores.

I can't deny that I love whores anymore.

I love whores.

Whores ye shall love.

Have a great day.

Nightly Check In.

I am irritated, not so much of anything going on, of my mind creating plans, that don't go smoothly. I have plans tommorrow of doing things I think are good for me, but God has other plans, and the more I am ok with that, the less I try to control things.
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Have a good night