Hello...I'm checking in....I was in a remote community (Far North Canada) for three days with limited internet....I am thinking of a life of simplicity while I was in the fly in community...it is amazing how easily sidetracked I can get in cities or how much my mind wonders off or engages in thoughts of temptations....I realize these are just thoughts and no reason for me to act upon them, especially my bottomlines....upon reflection, I know that every time I used to engage in bottomline behavior, it always leads to loss of self, a smoke screen to avoid uncomfortable feelings of anger, grief, intimacy, etc....so, by extension, ceasing bottomline behavior is an act of love towards myself....I now ask God to take away any tempting thoughts...as the TS Eliot wrote, "We are distracted from distraction by distraction"...wishing everyone a good day.

Guhzo,

I am relieved to see that you realized the error of your ways with your rants. I was going to call you on it but I also was going to give you the room to realize it for yourself.

That being said, I will leave you with this: We cannot expect to live a healthy life if we continue to behave in unhealthy ways, thinking unhealthy thoughts because it feeds the addictive mind and it only serves to perpetuate the addiction.

Change takes time, it is not overnight but we must move towards change instead falling back to our old way and resolve not to continue the old behavior.

Or as Wayne Dyer puts it: Know this: You cannot expect to draw people into your life who are kind, confident and generous if you are thinking and acting in cruel, weak, selfish ways.

What transpired is exactly what happens when we react instead of taking corrective action to what may be bothering us. So perhaps one thing you can explore is the reason why you feel it is necessary for you to rant so much and what you can do to address it in a less hostile and healthy manner.

Have a great day,
Wolf (5 years sober)

Hello....I am checking in...I am thinking about my emotional maturity....I think I have a lot of work on that part of my life...it is quite the change to be emotionally discerning, emotionally honest, and emotionally expressive....I know it takes practice by me and support from others...I am grateful for the few genuine friends in my life....wishing everyone a good day.

Checking in.

Another successful night, waking up feeling much better as a direct result of not acting out.

I had some meditation time with God and it's spirit let me know it is not necessary for me to suspend myself if I am honestly apologetic and realize the wrong I did yesterday with the profanity laced post. Also if I experience spirituality and wellness over this week, it is proper to share, so suspension lifted.

Getting a good idea of the sexual addiction illness's agenda on a personal level is a good idea. My person agenda is to have as many women to use as sex objects as possible, manipulate them into thinking it's love, controlling them so I can use them as a resource to show other men my status and dominance, and not valuing them making them easily replace-able at any moment.

If looked at that square, there is no reason why I shouldn't be eliminated, that agenda is very selfish, and wrong.

When I identify that it is the illness's agenda, and not the child of God I really am, I can treat it.

In order to treat it I need to admit I need support, I need to admit I am sick and need God's help and others who are also sick and recovery to help as well. My concession, God's help, and other addicts create a force that is two to one as a ratio competing with the illness. Now when the illness tries to persuade or position, I can use humility as a resource from myself, I can use inspiration and guidance from God as a resource, and I can use the wisdom and experience from other people in recovery as arguments or points against the selfish agenda the illness cannot help from provide or "tempt" with.

All of this, the realization that I have to counteract an illness with three different factors, provides real sanity, and if utilized I have means to not be directed by the illness who or that wants demise and insanity. It is important also to remember that the illness is an ignorant function, which is just doing and not doing on purpose, it's important to not give the illness so much value that it is personified. Defeating an illness that hasn't been provided personification is easier in terms of questioning the reason to deaden it.

With these two means of counteraction against the automatic action of the illness within, I then can see how powerful the making of all things is, and due to my own ignorance I also can see I lack the faith it would require to believe in all things, including removal and a return to health from a sickening and life-threatening illness such as sexual addiction.

When convinced, after much thought and argument and action, I decide to turn everything over to the care of this awesome provider and power. The epitome of confidence and love, God.

It's also important for me to be practical in this mission and duty, 99% of people will more than likely write me off, not listen, or want to have their own way, so it is important I do not resent that, and that I also appreciate those who listen but more importantly listen well above the non-listeners and know it all's to the people of wisdom, experience, burden, and concern.

Recovery requires more listening than talking, and I have learned this through error, however it was learned, and that is the main point. As a young man I would argue with the many people, always having an answer for their correction and advice, so I never learned, and pushed people away. The day I learned that listening is the highest form of respect and a sure way to link oneself to source of community and growth, I saw who really loves themselves more than others and vice versa. Now I have no time for those who are too important internally to themselves to listen to others and just accept they might be going to hell, and won't be surprised if they do.

Now that I have humility, a higher power who controls all much to my opinion or thoughts on the subject, support groups and other people on the same plain as me spiritually for the most part, and a desire to listen as a form of giving and respect, I then can see who I really am as the illness wants me to see myself.

A disgusting, perverted, lying, distorted, incorrect, cowardly, vulgar, incompetent, inflated, exaggerating, inconsiderate, brutal, poor character driven, selfish, stupid, unintelligent, average loser who is a major problem to anyone else's sanity or progressive growth individually.

Remembering that I the humility to admit it all, a higher of the highest powers, and people in the same boat as I when it comes to wanting to recover and no longer be a problem for others, I can ask for all those defects and unimpressive qualities to be removed in a Godly fashion and Godly timeline.

Remembering that humility is what got me to the point of health and sanity, initially, I continue to humbly love and respect others paths and Godly plans ordered by God. Like it or not, everyone is ordered to do what they do or do not do by God, so there is no validity in judgment, because we don't even create what we do in the first place, it all comes from God, but our egos tell us it is "all us", and it takes a bigger person to realize they are of nothing if God isn't of everything.

Next, with the faith that I will be improved with the love and care of the highest of higher powers, one with no limit, I then can respect that higher power even more and amend my ways of the past and sharpen my virtues towards his children for the future. This includes the complete absence of hatred for anyone or anything. This leaves no room for judgement, constant identification of potential problems on the inside of my person, treatment of the illness with spirituality, discipline, and action, and again, the kind of love that the less road traveled requires, the kind of love the narrow gate approves of.

Once I have understood the major problem I have been for others, in my case women I am deeply attracted to spiritually, I have to put my big boy pants on and start consciously doing the right thing no matter how much it might irritate others, seem abnormal to this horrible judge of men called the world, and/or no matter how much it hurts emotionally, physically, or intellectually. If the spirit is right and clear, no amount of other pain will break a person willing and wanting to do the right thing, God will have your back, and God will fight for you like no one has ever fought for you before.

This takes action though, and if (like in my case) your communication skills still include a tone that says "very rude and inconsiderate person who needs to be reminded of the power of niceness", actions like holding doors open, picking up trash even if not your home or establishment, and giving more than a percentage requires market wise, will let others know you are willing to make life better for them. Not responding to the elitist who actually believe through delusion that they are superior to others, is a great way to not create problems for the whole, God will deal with them and teach them the lessons they will need to learn in order for them not to be problems for God's world. After all it is God's world, man likes to boast of it being his, but let's see man prevent a Tsunami or eliminate life stealing disease overnight if this is truly his or her world. God created intellect and the ability to gain the intellect as well, and this is a personal problem I have if you cannot already tell, I grow very resentful at those who "think they are smarter than others" and show it with their actions. However I do the same thing if I am honest, and I need to not be listened to when I am doing that, so in order to treat God's children better, even if they are looking at me and treating me like a less than, is to not argue with them, not retaliate when wronged, and to continue to treat them like children of God who aren't and never will be perfect.

Now that I know the right to the wrong is willingness to not be a problem across the board for everyone, I can keep focus on opportunity to not be one and to accept actions that allow me to experience not being a problem more and more. For instance if asked to help, I help, if asked to provide I provide, if asked to be silent I do not speak. Very simple, and a great tool for the provision of clarity and less stress.

After that I search within to see if I am continuing to do the right thing, using honesty to see if I am straying or sticking the course, and I also continue to ask God, again with humility, to guide me towards treating his world and his children better.

Lastly I tell anyone who wants to know or who needs to know and wants to know everything I have been given and took the time to learn, for no cost at all, free, like it was given to me.

Have a great day.

Checking in.

Another successful night last night. I have felt my desire for control. I was unaware how strong of an influence it has become. Also I am aware of my resentment, and how it makes things worse, and I am aware of my fears, and envy.

I am specifically envious of how I see others getting away with the smallest of infractions considered wrong, and I don't get away with anything small. I constantly am driven by a spirit on the inside that is continually trying for perfection, at times it is impractical and irritating, however my hope is one day it will be needed for a greater responsibility.

I have a very long and stressful day today, Sunday of all days, and my attitude is rather poor at the moment, mingling with resentment, frustrations, and anxiety.

The great news is all this strife is allowing me to relate to everyone else's pain greater, it is leading to more compassion and understanding, and I am grateful for that.

I want to read some of the new people's stuff and try to help them.

Have a great day.

Hello....I am checking in....I am thinking of my inner world....the emotional landscape...I felt heavy yesterday...lethargic, like it did not matter what I did....I got through the day but it was like moving through quicksand...everything took effort, even putting on a positive attitude and I have a sunny disposition...hoping today will be lighter...wishing everyone a good day.

Checking in.

Inner, honesty usually makes me feel lighter when I am heavy like that. I usually get heavy like that when I am believing others judgment over God's or my own. When I honestly look at the situation with humility and an open mind, I see the truth, and the truth makes me lighter, setting me free.

The inventory process the 12 steps provides as a helpful tool has really allowed me to decrease that "heavy" time. People used to decide (well they still do) to "teach me a lesson", by stating vocally how displeased they were with me. Before I knew how to take inventory of what that did on the inside of me, I used to just go back and forth with them, like fighting would solve the problem. That lead to inner dialogue after the fact or event, and before I knew it I was very "heavy" and needed some type of relief. We both know what kind of relief we seek as sex addicts, and the real relief needed is spiritual relief like clarity and loving care from a spiritual agenda that provides health and sanity.

I have no problem detailing the inventory process for you, and that goes for anyone else reading this too, basically it includes discarding anything that could decrease spirituality for you. That includes resentment, hatred, unneeded stress, dishonesty, self-seeking, inconsideration, fear, etc. If you ask for it to be removed, by law spiritually if you are in the mind frame doing the right thing will do better for all, anything that is "making you heavy" will not have the power to do so, even if it continues to exist, identifying why you are heavy is very vital to ridding it of the equation or process.

It's a fairy tale and fantasy to think every day is going to be heavenly, however you can take action towards having that ideal, there is equally no law that says you cannot have the best day possible, even if the overall day is tough or not going so well.

Hope that helps.

Checking in.

By the way, another successful night last night, feel great, I know this is God's will.

Hello...I am checking in....I am thinking about my mother who embodied generosity and hospitality in the service of others....I was feeling sadness over her passing away two years ago...I know I still have unresolved issues related to my childhood...my personality was shaped by my upbringing....I pray that I am able to face those issues with courage and strength, but I need a bit more solid sobriety before tackling them....I need more emotional discernment of today's issues and yesteryear's...wishing everyone a good day.

Hello...I'm checking in....I am thinking of my travel this week and my middle circles...I hope to be of service while away....wishing everyone a good day.

Checking in.

Last night was not a success. I made the decision to cope from a frustrating and resentment filled day with porn, rather than listen to recovery speaker tapes on youtube.

I am grateful for the slip, I truly haven't surrendered in this area of my life. All is not lost though, I am still checking in, willing to be sexually sober, and today is a new day.

Wolf has asked me to find the reasons why I am acting out. Clearly not having a positive way to cope with daily frustrations and difficult people is a significant reason. I also had a self-will driven need to control my complete day yesterday. I thought my plan was the ultimate plan and if I just stuck to it things would be fine. Well all sorts of things interjected their own wills into my plan, and it made me painfully frustrated with irritation, and it seemed to happen like dominoes in a line falling over, one thing after the next, and before I knew it I was pleading with myself on the inside for some relief and release.

After that subtle decision was made, the need to not act out went out the window because I was thinking temporary relief from the internal pain was the best option.

Frustration with the reality of life in general, resentment of people and things in the way of my personal agenda and plan, and fear driven desire for control of what happens today and what can happen in the future if I do not have control, I am thinking falsely, were what I was dealing with yesterday. No wonder I needed relief, not to mention many times yesterday I had real thoughts that I was better than the "morons" I had to exist with, but at the same time I was disturbed that I was a "loser amongst others." I also watched entertainment news shows and surfed the internet, creating resentment against people of popularity (the famous) generating envy, jealousy, and hatred.

The news of the Paris attacks and the anger how every one seems to start to care after people are murdered instead of before, shows like Saturday Night Live and singers condemning the murders after instead of before, really pissed me off, and that added to the pressure inside for some strange reason. That entertainment resentment all has to do with a resentment I have that is a reality because me being an addict was the deciding factor in my genuine attempt to be famous. I was rejected because I am an addict and an alcoholic, a mentally ill addict and alcoholic, and I've been holding on to the pain from that rejection for years, and I have no one to share that grief and anger with, because I genuinely had good intentions on what I would do with the fame and wealth. After the rejection, similar to the domino effect in where it was like the fifth major one in a small number of years from people I at the time admired greatly, I did a 180 and became determined to ruin that industry and wanted to extinguish it. Well I think it is safe to say that was delusional, me being just an average nobody who wasn't even worth a chance, so I need to let that one go, kind of like porn, I watch the entertainment industry like a Hawk, generally, but I have little respect for it's engineers and think most famous people aren't as cool or awesome as their promotions persuade us they are, in fact I am willing to bet most have very poor characters and lack any substantial amount of substance it takes to make things better for everyone easily.

I have a great amount of anxiety and worry over understanding my law studies. Pussy started looking extra good to me, and it was in fact a god, and I am not displeased with the women using it against me as a weapon to gain their own leverage of control over dominating assholes like myself, so I think it is safe to say I am extremely fucked up in this area of my life and I need help.

I have no idea what to do, well that is not entirely true, even though I have slips, I pick myself right back up and hop back on track, I think it wise to assume this path of slips does have the reality contained inside of it that might provide a negative opportunity for me to be struck down with no opportunity to get back on the path, like HIV or a jealous love triangle that ends in tragedy, and being fully aware of not being immune to any of that as a sex addict, I think that is progress and an indication that I want recovery and am just experiencing loving growing pains with these slips.

Some good things that happened yesterday were I had a really good time with my Mom just talking and expressing myself. I like doing that with my Mom because she is very non-judgmental (well at least she is very good at not showing it if she is), and she is also a great listener who doesn't have to dominate the conversation. I know a number of men with good intentions who insist on hogging the conversation, and I am in-taking it as slightly disrespectful but also irritating to have to participate in a one sided discussion, I have a belief that communication is a two way street, but maybe I am so far gone and so fucked off that I need to just listen 100% of the time! LOL.

If I had to guess I must have to do that, because virtually every older gentlemen that I meet that takes a liking to me functions in this manner of completely disregarding my attempts to speak and verbally diarrhetically spewing all sorts of vital information my way, most of the time aggravated by my stupidity and/or the compelled burden they must have to teach me. It must be a God thing, God must be instructing them to help me, so I wish I were more grateful, but I don't like looking at guys when they are taking to me, I'd much rather look at a women talking to me, even if she hates me and is treating me like complete trash.

I admit that is not very sound, and equally petty, but that is what is going on and that is why I am acting out. I am acting out because I need real relief, and looking at porn provides real relief, however it is temporary and controlling in itself, not to mention not very spiritually, produced strictly for money (which I get and don't have a resentment towards strangely), and inherently I know it is not God's will for me like I clearly knew before the day began yesterday. It might have been God's will for me to slip yesterday though, because now I have the power to admit what is really troubling me on a daily basis.

I am obsessed with spending money correctly, and it has to do with a belief that white people hate Barack Obama because he spends or allows "reckless spending." I admit it is very immature and very irrational, but an obsession that I will be left by a white wife one day if I don't get a perfect process of mechanics going in spending and cutting cost is also providing an immeasurable amount of frustration leading me in the direction of seeking relief through acting out.

The fact that I have to stay alcohol and drug free, and that pressure that includes from family, a sponsor, other recovery members, also is providing an excuse for me to keep the resentments, not ask the fear to be removed, supplies guilt and remorse as well, and I think it is safe to say my "plan" or comprehension overall is not working.

My agenda is kaput, and others know it more than I, but I don't want to say "fuck it" thank God, and I am shifting to say "what an opportunity to change!" Way more significant than any of the useless bullshit I have been flooding my mind with that I just described above, so if you were able to get through this reading, and you have the experience, strength, and hope it takes to spread a message that will provide the real change I am open to, please help, I don't want to die from some stupid sex addiction that could have been solved if I would have just had a little more help, so please help if you can, I'm on empty with this one, my car in this area will no longer drive.

Thank you.

Checking in.

Not a successful day or night yesterday. I did act out on a middle circle behavior though, I didn't act out on the inner circle behavior.

I have met some new people to talk to here though, and we are messaging each other, it is helping.

Have a great day.

Guhzo,

We cannot use whatever disaster or difficulty that happens out there as an excuse to act out or even as a reason to give up. The answer is to find constructive ways to address these frustrations.

When I was recovering, my abusive jack wagon had ramped up the abuse, my father had died 6 months into it but I had already implemented my action plan which was simple yet for some, difficult to accomplish in the long term: surrender to feelings of urgency.

There was no other way other than that one. Whenever I had a trigger and I had plenty was to simply sit with it, let it go through me. Moving forward, eventually, the urges became less urgent and less things triggered me. It is a lot like turning off the switch of acting out.

Did I have an internal dialogue during these times? You bet but I just let it run its usual excuses and not pay it any mind. I would listen to music to drown it or listen to motivational tapes. Go biking or even take myself away from the house but one thing that made a huge difference was to stop using the computer at home and only use the one at work or at the library to turn in my homework.

I had arranged my life solely to live a healthy life, there was no other option, there was no excuse for me to act out anymore. I had set up a no option to act out, sometimes we need to get medieval, so to speak. This addiction is a bear to overcome, so tougher measures are needed to tackle it.

It is true that, for many, this approach may be too tough, but in my recovery, this was one thing I did not have to worry about because the option was eliminated and since I had already made those provisions, everything I did in my daily life had everything to do with being healthy, having healthy thoughts and living a healthy life.

That meant, I could not harbor any ill thoughts, no resentment, no haste, no negativity. Every time, I did have a negative thought, I made a huge effort to think about something I feel grateful for or think of something pleasant, like holding my cat.

In other words, as I had pointed out before, we cannot expect to get better if we do not change our mindset and change our way of life. No one ever got better, thinking defeating thoughts day and night and finding enemies left and right. The world is, at times, hostile and we cannot control that but we CAN control what we internalize.

Have a great day,
Wolf (5 years sober)

Checking in.

Nobody ever got better obsessing over enemies and functioning in destructive and defeating thoughts. I am paraphrasing Wolf but it sticks.

I like your suggestions. I already talked to someone about leaving the house and not placing myself in positions where the compulsion can take root and I give in.

I read the SAA book regularly, even if I act out the night or day before, and today I read the second story in the literature in the stories section, and it was very powerful for me. Ironically it was from "the enemy", a woman, and I felt like I wouldn't have to compete or be wary of her when she was speaking.

Her story was inspiring, and I am glad I read it, her honesty was awesome, and I've never met a woman that I didn't feel the need to throw up a wall against, a true enemy of mine, I am the snake in the garden with much enmity for the opposite sex, and this leads to enormous problems socially and daily.

So I am grateful I heard your advice that concentrating on that strong dislike, that possible unnecessary perceived need to be on the defense with dealings with any woman, might not be necessary if women like the one who told the story in SAA did exist.

Yesterday was a day of great progress, even though I did act out, and found humor in it as well. The humor was stemming from how ridiculous the sounds of sexual performance are to me in terms of shock or general societal standards. To hear a person wail or express extreme pleasure as a sound, repressed so much if status quo is the judge, gives me hope that this society will be destroyed and humbled with it's broken and out-dated means of doing business generally. However this is me speaking sickly, and the society and it's dealings work very well for the normal person if bought into, I am abnormal in every area compared to a normal person, and if humble, I can understand how I am the problem, if there is a problem in the first place, and that opens the door to grow and change.

The deception and darkness of compulsion, in this instance sexual compulsion, fueled by a hatred of woman, particularly American woman, is a major problem. What deepens the problem is I have no inherent function or means to eliminate or rid myself of it, besides a life of spirituality and recovery. This spirituality cannot include religion for me, because I know the perversions of religion from my understanding intellectually and my research as an honest historian. Historically religion has no place in it's presence for me as a sex addict, and the temptation is not saying "fuck religion", because again, many people benefit from religion who aren't sex addicts. Religion and I are one bad marriage that will lead to war, because religion condemns people like me, but God is not religion, religion is man's understanding of God, and man can and is wrong often, so in order to avoid the resentment that will from observed history of my own actions, lead to acting out against women who fuck with me, like an African Warlord on a mission to defend existence and respect at all cost, I need to take all religions with a grain of salt, and go straight to God for help. Other's might have to deal with the brokering of Jesus Christ, funny how the Son dictates the terms to get to the father, which is ridiculous because the father creates the Son, and what type of father delegates his power to his Son in a serious matter like the salvation of one's soul? With all that being said, my point is I am putting too much value on being liked by others, and when people find out I am a sex addict, they will use their lowest qualities to judge and disrespect, and it will make me want to bring the pain, but them being judgmental ignorant and limited humans is already sufficient pain I suppose, and to prove a point of how bitch made they are, killing them or using force against them to show them they shouldn't have judged, might not be right. Maybe I was born to be judged?

All I know is I want aliens to come and terrorize everyone, just because of the judgmental, but more importantly I am open to the reality that I might be wrong by wanting that. It feels very right, and it feels very natural also, but those are just feelings, and if looked at honestly, terroristic aliens with much more power than any earthling, making this planet horror show might not be pleasing to God.

I thought God was being pleased by me being evil, I thought God created me evil, and I was just doing my job, so I don't know that I don't know. I thought I knew everything!

My real God is ignorance, delusion, denial, hate, lust, greed, anger, sin, lawlessness, dominance, power, everything unGodly, I am not God, I am the complete opposite of God, and I am starting to see that I am my own God, and me being God is not good for you. I don't want to be the man anymore, I want others to have power over me, I want others to feel free, I want others to win, I want others to be the king.

The funny thing is, great humor is being birthed out of this all, I'm a very ridiculous personality, very weird, very abnormal, love myself a little too much, don't give a shit about others opinions or thoughts, and I can't change!

It's up to God if he wants to change me or not, who knows, God might live me 100% for who I am and people might be in the wrong hating me. After all the beareded Christ Man of Whitness who looks like Kurt Cobain's older uncle says these humans should "love their enemies", not too much of that going on in the world though, these retards changed it to "hate your enemies." They only dick ride that Jesus guy when it grants them some sort of gain or attention.

Thanks, I'm still working out kinks.

Hello....I am checking in....I am thinking of daily decisions....every decision to do or not to do shapes my journey in life....I used to make the same decisions to act a certain way believing there was no choice...how wrong I was...I always had other goals in life other than the self-absorbed activities that I was engaging in...it is baby steps but I know today that I have choices and it is up to me to make decisions on what I am going to do today...good or bad decisions, I must face up to the consequences of my decisions...so far, so good on the road to recovery....wishing everyone a good day.