Checking in.

Wolf I get what you are saying and I will watch my assumptions more carefully. I also want you to know I wasn't meaning that in an accusatory fashion, it was more a take on how difficult it probably is, to read my writings. They are long, elaborate, don't always fall in the bounds of traditional grammar and proper form, and also I was feeling some self-pity when I wrote that too.

I didn't even consider there being a technical error, how harmful can the assumption process be for us? Can you share some personal experiences if you have any?

I am stuck, I am relying on myself, and myself is not capable of producing what my mind tells me I can, so it is alright to give myself a break.

I could have done somethings better yesterday. There is this attractive married woman in my support group that made it clear yesterday that she needs more emotional support and attention. I really doubt if her slave of a husband can provide it, and I am wrongly thinking not that I just could save the day, but that I am entitled to save the day, therefore save her. It is my illness trying to set me up to act badly though, a rebellion and denial of God's grace all these years. I just want to own that pussy, bottom line. That completely blinds me to the reality that the woman is not an ownership type of individual, and probably is having a hard time with the whole concept of "being someone else's", so with that disclosure, because there is a hint of love underneath it all, I will go out of my way to keep my distance, but pray for the both of them without them knowing.

After that creation of guilt, seeing the woman had a need I couldn't fill, I was hurt a bit, but moved on in the day. I ended up shopping, and did such a good job I practically made 200 dollars doing so, just because I built a process that makes it good for me to spend based on savings and cost cutting. However this morning I read a story about of SAA literature where this sex addict says being addicted to work almost killed him. Now that I can admit I work so hard only to impress and spoil the women I obsess and worship from a far, I think it will be wise for me to focus more on this will driven, take no prisoners approach to succeeding. There is a component of greed attached to the hard work, self-absorption also is occurring, a general lack of confidence and security as well. I work so hard to impress others, not to equipped myself with information to give back in the name of helping.

If I take the angle of working hard, because I clearly have the fundamentals and mechanics to work effectively and efficiently from a physical standpoint, to give back to others, being a bachelor who doesn't think of (enviously) how to be more loved by women, doesn't seem out of the picture, it seems a reality, just like the other day when a strong thought of inspiration came to me that I have no good reason to belief I don't have what it takes overall to practice the law.

I do need to work on things, and laziness is one of them, that subtle type of laziness that is making love with procrastination all the time. Both are kin to entitlement, and it would be great to bounce things off someone else who could help me do or find ways that repel the acceptance of laziness, procrastination, and entitlement.

I was working yesterday, and I had to stop and ask myself why I was getting so frustrated doing so? I realized that I was still in the delusion that studying the law and availing myself to it's teaching was not a very good thing that will make me stronger in the long run on all levels. Clarity took center stage and I understood that studying the law for me is the real pain with gain that is allowing me to grow so quickly, despite still suffering from a compulsive sexual addiction, and a documented mental illness that needs contributory support. This spurt of inspiration stuck, and even this morning I understand that the more I study, the more I become who I truly am supposed to be in God's eyes and as a recognition of hope and joy for others. Wacking off to a wife being gangbanged or humping a vengeful daughter of a racist isn't who potential or grace would want me to be, and although it is becoming hilarious how out of bounds my sexual instinct can take me when looked at from an objective willing to change point of view, it is clear that the more time I spend reading and writing, the better I will treat and love others. Owning a wife, then manipulating her to get gangbanged by thugs is a waste of energy I am seeing, not to mention extremely abnormal and a significant cause for shame. I speak ill of him quite often mostly in quiet, but Jesus Christ was not wrong when he said if you're thinking it you're doing it.

Since I've been open about my fantasies of seeing a wife gangbanged by those I consider inferior, having unabashed sex with women much older than me, and me jacking dudes wives in the name of being "the king", I think it wise I talk about my fantasy of being a male stripper secretly! LOL!

I have to admit I love the attention, and it would be all about the attention of having milfs all excited. This again has to do with my sense of entitlement, I think I am a gorgeous god who any frustrated woman masturbates to nightly, and I also think I have the tools to "save the ho's." Well I am not as good looking as my delusion tells me, I've clearly let myself go for many years and have considerable imperfections, and also I lack the judgment to provide real love for a woman who is struggling in their marriage and frustrated. Also I have a resentment against God, so I am looking at acting out sexually as a good shot at God to let him know he was wrong for not allowing us to be more free sexually. Well I know now I am wrong, especially from all the work of listening to the horror stories of sex addicts who didn't find recovery, and just from basic knowledge of things like STD's, pregnancies without soul mates, divorces, etc.

Today I am going to continue to ask for help, from a higher power and I am going to do the best I can. I am now going to read the new person's post who titled it checking in, very grateful someone took the initiative to display courage to do so.

Have a great day.

Guhzo,

Oh I did not take your comment as an accusation in the least, so no worries there.

Now to answer your question regarding the danger of assumptions.You wanted me to share my experience but I thought it would be best to share it in a list format.

My assumptions were as follows and those assumptions kept me enslaved.:

1) I assumed everyone wanted me because in a porn flick, there is no one person who is not wanted. Not true, in the real world people choose their partners all the time, the only people who seem (note the way I am saying it) are the addicts.

2) I assumed that the addiction was not all that serious because I was able to function. My job was not suffering and neither were my cats. Not true, I was simply going to work and do my job, only to leave it and go to the peep shows, come home feed my cats and indulge some more at home.

3) I assumed I could quit on my own and never go back to it. Not true, it became clear to me that I needed serious help because this was much worse than the nicotene addiction so I enrolled in a recovery program.

4) I assumed that if I were in a recovery program and still watch porn, I could slowly wean myself of it. Not true, all it did was perpetuate the addictive cycle and kept me enslaved. It was not until I stopped cold turkey and followed the instructions of the recovery program that I started to get clarity.

5) I assumed that if I stopped watching porn and go through the program that it would be all I needed to do to be free of it. Not true, I found out that I had to change everything about my life that was causing me act out, I had to let go of a lot of resentment, self loathing, inaecurities, you name it to be able to live a "normal" life.

Last but not least, I assumed that because I had behaved in questionable ways, I could not change after all I had always been that way. Not true, it was not until I read that quote by St Francis that spoke about having been all things unholy that if God could work through him, God could work through anyone. The catch was that I had to be willing to change and it worked.


One more for the road, I assumed that if I started being good and kind, others would see me as weak and cowardly and started to take advantage of me. Not true, the more I allowed God to.show me who I really am, the more people started to treat me better and my relationships improved dramatically because my ego was nowhere to be seen. Not only that users and abusers go nowhere near me because I am not a target anymore and if they so show up, I have no problem letting them know their antics are not appreciated.

However, I have a question for you: Why do you insist (I ask it like that because it seems rare when it does not happen) on sharing your unsavory details of your sexual fantasies. Do you not realize that perhaps that may be why others stop posting? If i were recovering and saw your posts, I'd be triggering left and right. I just would like to know why you feel compelled to do so.

Last but not least, letting go of all my assumptions was liberating for me and it improved my physical and mental health.

Have a great days,
Wolf (5 years sober)

Checking in.

Irritated and stressed out. I asked myself why I was irritated and stressed out and there is no reason why I should be. A reason why I am irritated is I woke up and then didn't get straight up, taking 30 minutes away. This is what I am thinking, even though the positive way to think of it is I gained 30 more minutes of rest.

I am a sex addict that has no willpower to stop his compulsion. God can stop this sexual compulsion and sexual obsession. Today I am deciding to turn my will and my life over to his care.

The New York Post had two recent news stories about the Clintons. The first one was that Hillary made Bill get an HIV test during his troubled period of the latter part of his Presidency. The second one was how Bill Clinton tried to seduce Jackie Kennedy. At first it was funny to read, but then I realized there is no difference between him and me, I could very well have a wife who demands an STD test if I ever get caught cheating, and I would consciously or unconsciously try to seduce anyone. Seduction has an exciting element for me, this is dangerous because it blinds me from others jealousy, envy, hatred, and irritations.

Here is where the feelings of superiority come into play. I feel superior enough to seduce, even married and those in relationships, but then when I find the fault in that, I wish to be seduced then. I think I am inferior enough to be the victim of the seduction, never the less the seduction isn't seen as a problem for me. So I need to do some work on that one, I think I should study the ill effect of affairs. I am a sex addict so I think affairs are the norm, I think i don't care so much and am beat down so much trying to control relationships with others, that I have lost the feelings necessary to see what would be lost in the process or satisfaction of the affair. Yesterday I was thinking of how my agenda persuades women to enjoy at most 15 minutes of baffling pleasure of the unknown, but then sets them up for years of pain in return from their "sin." Not a very good bargain, and I saw how problematic that could be. However I will still not admonish it like it needs to be.

Here is my plan of action, lately I have been ignoring my desires around married women I know aren't happy, and I've been praying for them. I've then been focusing on fantasy within the porn entertainment, and channeling the energy that way. I rationalize this is "dealing with the problem" of monogamy and how it gives reason not for women to compulsively share our compulsion together. Obviously I am going to attract other sex addicts, and most sex addicts don't even know they are sex addicts. I wish I had someone to seriously talk about this as adults with, but most people have a very immature understanding of sex, and with it still being taboo substantially it is a touchy subject.

Ok I've got a nice day ahead of me, hope you all have a great day.

Checking in.

I am a compulsive sex addict. I need help from God and other sex addicts. I decide to turn my will and my life over to him. I am a sex addict who doesn't deal with reality well if dealt with at all. I have the character defects or ineffective behaviors of selfishness, entitlement, superiority and inferiority feelings, desire for control, envy, jealousy, greed, hatred, lust, anger, and others like a damaging ego for myself and anyone in the way, and a rebellious and defiant nature towards anything "good."

In the name of change, I tell others these failures, openly and honestly. I then live a life where I am shown and reminded that I do have these character defects, cannot do anything about them on my own, and if willing become entirely ready for the higher power to remove them. Once I realize I am screwed and have no absolute real power, I then humble ask the higher power who love and cares for me to help eliminate the shortcomings.

After I have gained the confidence that the higher power who loves me no matter what I do, right or wrong, I can shift focus a little bit towards amending any harms I've done towards others. I make documentation of whom I've hurt, why I've hurt them, focusing on the damage the character defects found earlier can and will do to others if used without consideration or understanding of wrong. Then I do the right thing when the opportunity to right the wrongs come from the nature of life and opportunity.

Then I continue to watch for the character defects, and by now I have discovered that resentment is like a cancer to an addict like me, no matter what the cause of the anger, justified or unjustified, it has the power to kill and it has the power to ruin happiness. I then also look for fear, I look for all the character defects I spoke of earlier and I ask for them to be removed if I spot them. I then pray and meditate, hoping to stay connected to God, and as a conclusion I give back when asked to do so in regards to what I've learned works and doesn't work.

Have a great day.

Checking in.

People are continuing to have more importance than I.

I guess the point of checking in is to give a status update. Handling adversity well. In good spirits. Handling demand well. Not snapping. Slightly obsessing over money. a little too uncle-sam-ish. Could be less opinionated this holiday season.

I am willing to understand and learn today, a great beginning.

Have a great day.

Checking in.

I am bored, have acted out twice already in the last couple hours, and am checking in to detail what exactly happened.

I have been acting out daily, I have a slight piece of advice in the form of a voice saying I shouldn't in the morning, but that is easily pushed aside with the assumption the needed release from a stressful day will save my life at the end of the day.

I'll just talk about today as specifically as I can, but might leave somethings out so my anonymity isn't broken.

Today was especially difficult, and I don't know why? Most days are generally stressful and difficult, but this one was overwhelmingly tough. I woke in the morning slightly irritated by the amount of people it seems are always in some form or another gauging to aim control over me. I woke up with a general desire to be free or less irritated. I had a good morning listening to music and moving to the beat or music, and then I went to a support group. When I got to the support group I didn't feel welcome, a feeling I get often everywhere I go. Not only do I get a feeling, I also get an action for sort of language from others that I am not pleasing or welcoming for them.

I went to the support group and was ignored, and that hurt my feelings, and that was a shock because I pride myself in being "hard" and "feeling-less." I tried to shrug it off, confess to myself that the person who ignored me was more of an idiot than not, and then went to where I go most of the days of the week next. This, institution is also incredibly non-welcoming and very hard to please. I usually grow irritated and angry from the indifference and again, being ignored and often disrespected it seems, and today it was just too much to tolerate. I took the pain though, the institution is a bottom line institution that goes through motions and doesn't really strive to improve or provide for that matter. It just kind of exist because it is allowed to by the government, but nobody enjoys being there and it is often an aggravation as a process. After I got through that, I had an impulsive thought to go buy something I didn't need, but wanted, so I would in hopes be more accepted. Come to find out what I bought kind of sucks, and now I am stuck with something that I don't really want. I do that a lot, I make decisions that seem like the only possible good decision at the time, and then hours later I am kicking myself for making the decision or "selling myself" of the idea.

After that I lost something I really liked, and am angry about that, the bank I bank at doesn't have a major transaction I recently made on record in my own personal online account, and that is pissing me off, an association I belong to needs money, again, from me, other things need to be paid, work has been slow, the career I am pursuing has experienced a hiccup and the person who can let me know if I remedied the situation isn't responding to my correspondence. The person I live with seems to not give a shit what I have to say, sometimes, and even if I don't have anything to say, it doesn't feel good to be just cut off blatantly when trying to speak or hold my own. I don't take that as personally as it may have sounded, but it does have a link to the irritation, and kind of makes me feel used, like I am just a giant ear that is being forced to listen and not talk. My stomach is always uncomfortable, and it gets into a knot all the time, especially when all the demands around me are forcing me to perform and "be all I can be." The bullshit of it all having to be ignored as a requirement is prompting me to ask why I am doing it at all, and if the goal is just to make money, I might as well just do that without the rules! If we do all this for money, might as well just get really good at making the money, the rules seem to be ignored if the money is more important.

I feel better after acting out, and at first I acted out to a gangbang scene, then I acted out to wives cheating, and I think it is an inner agenda to retaliate from a feeling that I am being forced to conform. The acting out, even though I know acting out is wrong and not acceptable in order for recovery to occur sexually, is helping temporarily, and if I met someone as miserable as me, and they were a sex addict as well, we'd have sex, no question.

The problem with that is that takes away the possibility of me considering any negative consequence, that will happen automatically for some damn reason, and I still am baffled why I am punished for trying to eliminate misery, with something that feels good and makes me feel better? I know the compulsion and the consequence is the real problem, it's not the sex or having sex with someone who wants to have sex, it is the compulsion and the consequence.

I talk a lot about how to stop acting out, because some how I've not drank or taken a drug for a while now, this sex thing is a whole other beast though.

AA says I need to see if my acting out is selfish or not? Well when I am calling the imaginary person I am masturbating to a bitch and saying "take that, take that, I love your married pussy", I think I can say that is selfish! That's just a wee bit selfish, and now that I'm writing I can see the wrong, actually see and feel the wrong, in fantasizing about being dark man julio who is throwing dick up in sed caucasion women, married, out of spite for whitey's disdain for me in delusion. I am delusional that white people are responsible for my laziness and poor attitude, so my best option of attack is bang the male version of whiteness's married woman, who is as miserable as me, in my mind, with no great evidence to prove any of this if needed to be, so I couldn't be any more wrong.

This belief system I have built is very damaging to my potential future, and I couldn't get any wronger. I still want to have sex with horny and miserable women though. This has a component of selfishness as well, because if I truly deep down inside care about all men and women, why would I want someone to sustain misery? I'd pay to get rid of this misery currently, it is very painful and very disturbing as well.

I also noticed today my ego has been calling shots for a while now. My ego is telling me to dominate, be the man, take control, gain order, voice opinion, take charge, all sorts of well-intended but misguided commands. Here is the problem, or here is another problem with the problem being selfishness. I have a deep rooted insecurity that I need to impress women at all cost and that I need to stand out to them so they will allow me to be close to them. Where I got that out of wack inception of unrealistic proportion I know not, but I will say it is killing me, and the more I try to be the man, the more women resent it, but I built in my mind that women want me to do that, so I am completely wrong, and my belief system needs to be expelled and re-created.

How in the fuck am I supposed to do that if not a one man throws me a bone? I will just re-create the same shit I created before, so I am not entirely the problem, I could use some better help, however beggars can't be choosers.

This is why the SAA literature, and the AA literature is so great for me, because there is not opportunity to judge prior. I am having a hard time with the "fellowshipping" because I seem to automatically become judged, by mostly everyone, and it happens so often, I can't say it is entirely in my mind. I seem to be surrounding myself with very sick people, some of whom have a lot of power and control over me, and it is frightening to know that idiots can dictate my future, freedom isn't free my ass, freedom when it comes to man isn't possible! Some schmuck always is going to want to order or direct another, it's the crack in our character as a humanity, and it is one of the many reasons I have a false need, but a need nonetheless, to literally fuck and cum in the face of society.

OMG! I really just fucking said that. Maybe I won't feel directed to fuck and cum in the face of miserable women now. Fucking and cumming in the faces of miserable women, not very honorable, and fucking then cumming all over the bodies and faces of society as a society is not very mature either. Do I really want to fuck and cum all over women because I see it in porn? I see Bruce Willis handling automatic machine guns and pimping bad guys movie star style in the blockbusters and I don't want to do that, so is it really the porn making me want to cum all over fucked up miserable women? I don't want to be Superman or Batman after I see one of those movies, wouldn't be caught dead trying to do what a Star Wars character does or did. There has to be something deeper than just the images of porn making me want to fuck then cum all over women I want to put babies in, specifically if married for some reason too?

I've considered many a theory, maybe I am demon possessed, maybe I am destined to create a super-race, maybe I am naturally just that perverted and spite God as an involuntary action of defiance for others to see? I really have no clue why I want to play with, fuck, then cum all over women I want to be my wives and mothers of my children, or at least spouses.

I think it is safe to say I am jealous, controlling, evil, envious, perverted, demented, distorted, disabled, possibly the modern day devil. If I am the devil I sure as hell don't know I am the devil, but if you look at my actions, and my desires sexually, I am kind of devilish, I wouldn't say opting to cum on a woman rather to ask to cum into a woman was angelic.

Now all of this is just fantasy itself, of course I am not the devil, and if I were the devil, I'd probably be busy writing another version of the bible or running a church, or distorting a religion to my advantage, or saying someone I bullied in the past was going to be an enemy of the future not of my fault though. Either way, devil or not, angel or no, this sex addiction is kicking my ass right now, and I am a goner if not miraculously something I could never dream of happens. I've tried to think of every possible scenario that could have eventually changed me, but now I am seeing that is fantasy as well, and I might not ever change, and I might be this person for eternity, and some how that makes me very peaceful and not willing to fight that fact anymore.

I can't recommend this self-disclosure and honesty thing enough, I feel like a million bucks now, so glad I got that out, so grateful for DS,

I guess I really am who they've been trying to tell me I am. Startling.

Peace.

Checking in.

I was reading a story in SAA literature and it was one in where I guy was a teacher and couldn't resist the "temptation" to look at a student's breast. He didn't elaborate much after that, or I didn't catch it, but he then eludes to the fact that he lost is career after that.

I amazingly saw what a normal non-sex addicted person sees and said "what an immature fuck." In my alcoholism and drug addiction I developed wrongly into a major problem for society as a whole. I am seeing with my sex addiction, I am too immature to be taken seriously.

Just think, if I keep committed and keep taking this all seriously, even though in the sex department I am still acting out, I could be a solution for society and very mature one day. Me being considered not a problem and mature would be a huge reward I never thought I was worthy of receiving.

The pressure is much today, and things are falling apart. I made some significant mistakes yesterday, sufficient testament to my current judgment, mixed with exhaustion, poor relationships, rebellion, ego driven decisions, and much irritation, I am doing surprisingly alright.

God is honoring my commitment and desire to change, I think that is why I rebound so quickly after the acting out. I have admitted it is more powerful than I, and that is why my self-reliance isn't working, the literature clearly says willpower won't work, and I am in line for a miracle.

Paying attention to detail searching for liability is instigating a need for me to say in resentment, because most of the details I find are of others imperfections, some of whom have positions of leadership over me.

I have noticed in other areas of my life I am committing to things I am either forgetting about, or only think I can do as wishful thinking.

I think one of the biggest attributes to this improvement, spiritually, even though the illness is still overpowering at times, is the humor I am allowing myself when I am witnessing sex acts and seeing how people use sex as such again, immature, leverage.

There was a time in society when immodesty was immature, now it's like you are immature if you are modest. We got it backwards, and that is another testament of how immature the society is in this matter. The stars still have to dress sexy just to get attention, that tells me they aren't saying anything that would determine "star-ness" and they need to ho themselves out by dressing provocative and "sexy" just to earn. That is immature, and those are the idols our children look up to innocently, so we are fucked as long as they continue to teach us wrong.

The broad who runs Yahoo obviously has no problem parading stupid "stars" around the site dressed in provocation, making dudes like me say "this bitch needs to get fucked" and the star saying "it makes me comfortable", and both of us lying like immature brats. Attention makes the star comfortable, that immature childish entitled American aristocratic bullshit, that crumbles any time adversary brings it. Personally I don't pay attention to stars if I can help it, but with broads like the Yahoo woman saturating their businesses with these sexual disseminators, it's nearly impossible to avoid it, it's like facist, they demand your attention, just like Hitler yelling from the podium like a raging idiot, it's fascinating until you learn the agenda, then it becomes demonic culpability that needs to be erased.

Now that the rant is over, where were my character defects at play right now? Well I am jealous, envious, ignorant of stars own pain and destinies, unmerciful, a huge hypocrite, instigating a war. Who is to say some star isn't reading this right now creating the vow to hunt me down and cut my balls off? Some star might be so enraged by this ignorance and unsympathetic abuse that ball cutting off might be applicable in their rationale.

I have the most selfish agenda possible, I'm way worse than a star, I want control over you all, fuck the attention, I want your rights! Major master in me, so I need to accept this, and realize it drives my assault on the star, I hate the star because the star decreases my right to steal others rights! I should be thanking God for stars, but I don't, I say fuck em, without question, then ignore the fact that all want to cut my balls off. I'm just being comical, please don't take this too seriously, forgive the balls cutting off-age references and rhetoric.

Can you believe Eunuchs used to cut their balls off in the name of celibacy? Talk about dedication to not sin! The funny thing is I'm sure God was like "why are you cutting your balls off again?, you're supposed to use your balls in the name of love, not cut them off to impress me."

Have a great day.

Checking in.

I had a fantastic day yesterday. To make a long story short I sit here today not having acting out yesterday.

This is what happened. I was driving yesterday, I had already had a troubling and stress filled morning. I like to create voice memos on my phone to see if I can't figure out some solutions to problems throughout the day.

Well all the memos, around 50 total, additionally totaling around the same amount of hours approximately, maybe a little less, paid off. I had a major revelation for my process of recovering. I found, through self disclosure, not caring if someone had tapped into my Iphone listening, that I had in fact chosen hardcore pornography and masturbation over dating beautiful women who would have loved me.

It was as if a huge weight was lifted off my person. This whole time I had been blaming the women for not doing more, when I see clearly now that I am the only one to blame. The rest of the day after this honesty was spectacular.

I think this is what was preventing me from growing. Taking responsibility and ownership, although defaulting me to loser status (only losers refuse gorgeous women in favor of a sex life with themselves using porn to fill the selfish void), and I'm not totally ok with being a loser, but women are right, I am a loser for not picking them over sex with myself and porn.

Amazingly I was treating women much healthier and idealistic. I had no inner agenda, no resentment towards them, even shared some genuine laughs with a few I came into contact with. I was more keen on those who were miserable and how to avoid their energy, mostly the married types who might have something to hide.

I've still got some work to do, but I am more secure and content with being who I actually am, a self-serving masturbator who chooses himself over gorgeous women, and I can see the abnormality of that. I am so grateful that I am not pointing the finger this morning, it's been me the whole time!

Have a great day.

Checking in.

Last night was a success. More so the days have been very productive in my relating well to women. I am actually seeing deeper characteristics than sexuality.

Ever since I admitted thoroughly that I choose masturbation over dating models, things have changed.

Last night was partly a success because I have embraced the "tired all the time from giving maximum effort in the right way" philosophy.

I think having the goal of taking the most responsible and mature route possible is helping them most.

the amazing thing is this morning I don't have any significant grips that I feel compelled to share. I am more interested in supporting and understanding or co-existing with reality.

A nice man let me know on this site once that taking cold showers builds the immune system. When we act out so much we decrease our immune systems ability to give us the best support possible on the inside, taking the cold shower in the morning, even after acting out will make you stronger.

Have a great day.

Checking in.

Not a success last night. I just wanted to do it. I just wanted to act out and this is falling in line with my selfishness. I would rather act out compulsively and experience negative consequence than date women or have sex with women.

I could justify or rant about how wrong that is, or about how I want to change, but the honest truth is I am not interested in having a loving relationship or sex with gorgeous women, I would rather masturbate to whores who don't give a fuck. I have more respect for whores who don't give a fuck, than women who still have morals. I admit that is backwards, and the whores don't care for me as much as I care for them, so I am screwed, literally, by myself, and it's better for me to admit that, and live in that truth, than bullshit others and act like I want to be in a relationship.

I am A-sexual, I'll never be able to love anyone more than myself, I've tried, I accept it is not favorable towards the ideal, and selfish. If selfish didn't have the power to kill me, then I'd not even check in or participate on DS, but I also have an outside calling and duty to help society and provide for the whole system, so if marrying someone or considering having sex with someone other than myself is the solution, I am willing to want to be willing to do so.

I have to be honest, or I'd like to be honest right now. I'd much rather make money, be secretive, not commit to anyone, not depend on anyone else, and never be tied down or part of something that takes away from me.

Well I think I am hot shit, and the fact of the matter is being in a relationship, a committed relationship, a loving unselfish relationship, with the woman of my dreams I didn't even know where underneath it all, could be very positive for me and for others ultimately. For instance I think Tom Brady has become a better man after marrying his wife, and that is just one example. If Tom Brady would have just kept all his success to himself, he might not have experience happiness or love. If happiness and love will make me more enjoyable to be around, less dark, less confused, less angry, more giving, less insane, less analytical for the wrong reasons, etc., I am willing to give it over to God and allow him to construct and create the path and journey towards the woman I want to love forever.

I think it wise to continue to accept the fact that I might have masturbated myself into eternal isolation and un-date-abliity, then so be it, at least I can blame myself, and the blaming of others will have ended.

I'll be alright if I am single or married, I'll adapt to both, being single might kill me though, I might kill myself, I might become so obsessed with power and freedom that I have nothing to lose in a negative way.

I don't know, but I do know today I do have the option of treating women correctly, and I also have the option of accepting and not having a problem with them being greater than I with no consequence or problem.

This is a great relief, and makes me more sane. Yesterday I was interacting with this women who I would have done anything for if she was my boss, and that was enjoyable, she clearly was confident enough to exert control, and it was a pleasure dealing with her and helping her gain accommodation.

I think it is funny how I am more keen on what the women experience from us now. How we flock to them with this desire to only have sex must be a great burden for their advancement, I don't want to enable burden for anyone, however I have this illness that doesn't give a fuck about burden or other's not advancing, so it will take more work, and I am willing to do the work, so I have nothing to worry about.

It's all an exhibition and great respect for God and his children. But I am still a masturbatory tyrant who has a lot to learn and needs help.

Have a great day.

Checking in.

Not much of a success last night. I read a story in the SAA literature and the guy was saying he had a plan that naturally kept him away from acting out. Strangely me paying attention to music like it is gospel, exhausting myself by studying legal documents and English (along with History), going out of my way to preach to those who are locked out of the message, those who need me to break that curse, and spending money wisely, all of those naturally take me away from acting out.

Things that take me towards acting out is feasting, blowing money, flashing cash, loving arguing and being opinionated, taking offense to orders or direction, focusing on tone and not just doing my job regardless of the personality. The want of the euphoric sustenance is harmful and not in line withe reality. It's like a woman who has a career plan of not having a career but having material gain like she's been a CEO, the output necessary will never really be there.

Today I know not only am I a compulsive sex addict, I am a person who has chosen to masturbate to women who are other sexual addicts, above loving and dedicating myself to healthy and beautiful women who are very good for me.

How does that relate to my own life outside of my sex interest? I have poor judgment. I'm choosing whores over models, I am more loyal to whores than I am to influential and inspiring women.

I'm disappointed in myself for these choices, even though they were fueled by an illness I have no control over, unless I am doing the steps and going against what my inner demons are recommending.

The good news is I am aware, my relationship with God is getting better everyday, I am recognizing the need to see all of God's children as equal and of great value to the world (and God), I am losing my sense of false entitlement, I am no longer feeling the need to control or content with orders and direction(s). I have an open mind, I am aware, I am not hating myself, I don't let jealousy make vows that my future can't accommodate.

Simply I've got better shit to do than what I've been doing or have done in the past, and that is awesome.

Have a great day.

Hey guys i just recently passed two months!! If i can do it then so can you!! Just think about what u really want!!

Kim,

Congratulations. Stay vigilant and keep your eye on the goal, no matter what.

Have a great day,
Wolf (5 and 1/2 years sober)

Checking in.

Kim can you share what helped you earn two months sobriety?

I read a story in the back of the SAA book and the guy talked about his Dad raging and not loving him as a kid, so the rest of his life he tried to gain men like his Dad's attention and approval.

I can relate, not to the men part, but to suburban white women of white collar success.

I've always had major friction with women like this, however when I took their stance and saw my actions as idiotic and not the end all be all, I saw their points of view. There is no reason why they should have been paying attention to me, I was a fool.

At the same I I've never and don't still take their shit, I'l take their advice, their suggestions, and work for them (serve them) but if they give me shit, I find something better to do than give them respect or attention very quickly, it's almost like an automatic involuntary response.

I am thinking I need their approval so I can court them, which is true, it's kind of hard to date someone if they don't approve, but the defect is selfishness. I can't lie and say their intolerance at times hasn't made me more radical and more of an aggressive problem with no fear of consequence. However now that I know how big of a fool I look like when I react impulsively and without regard for consequence, it's way easier to take their shit.

I hope I can work for a white collar female boss, I think that would be very healthy for me, it would be a great opportunity for me to amend harms of the past, blatant disrespect, angles of dominance and authority, letting my guard down.

However I think it a bit immature to designate gender and limit myself to serving only one type. It might be my sex addictions hidden agenda to have sex compulsively. I am considerably attracted to powerful, bitchy, and wealthy older women, and I'm a goner if one of them forces sex on me.

I have a higher purpose now, and the obsession of sex, along with the compulsion I have to feel better, from the sex act, is losing it's importance in this progression.

Listening to rap music or pop music or reading pop news, or reading articles about Hollywood, isn't serving me well. I can't stop listening to rap and pop music though, I am as addicted to that as using porn and masturbating. I have severe ADD so even if I wanted to watch a movie I couldn't, but I will become obsessed with the actress if she is doing a great job or looking beautiful.

That has to do with my attitude of entitlement, linked to my looks, along with the deception, delusion, and denial that beauty isn't the end all be all.

I've retired from drinking, smoking, popping, and snorting, so I won't even consider going to bars or parties or concerts, and I'm absolutely ok with that. I think what is missing with my recovery is I am not willing to end interest in things that enable my acting out.

Donald Trump being the racist and bigoted wanna be leader he is, is really making me want to fuck some bitches. Nobody supporting our President is making me want to beat my cock so hard I am the walking epitome of numbness. The problem is I can't deal with what is going on in the world, according to the media, right now. The candidates are really showing poor character, and we have done a poor job at picking candidates for leadership as a society.

I suppose I could stop paying attention, kind of like I do with the white collar women, the married women of the white collar men I ignore even worse when they try to leverage control, it's shocking to the point of silence, but acceptance how quickly I cut them off from attention. Sorry tangent, bragging again. I have a secret agenda to earn power, but from this base there is nothing to be earned, earning from this base is a debt automatically.

I am going to earn from God, and yes I am going to stop paying attention. I've got better things to do than get angry at egos. I fear my agenda won't happen, and it won't, so my fear is abnormal and childish.

God please remove the selfishness that allows me to harm others, please remove the entitlement that leaves my mind closed, please remove the thoughts of being superior that alienate me from everyone else, please remove the desire to control your will and your world and your children, all of them.

Today the best I can do is change people with giving them money. Nobody is every going to listen to me, but it's ok, I don't have that much good to say, and my delivery isn't graceful, and I have wronged myself into wrong. I am the wrong guy, who accepts it, and it is ok, someone has to be wrong so others know what right is.

Have a great day.

That's great Kim