Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I was reading another post and this question popped into my head. I've already left, but it took me 36 yrs physically and another 4 yrs emotionally to leave. This is based solely on my life experience, but I suspect that at least some of it is fairly universal.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
This certainly isn't every reason, so feel free to add to this list.
When is it time to leave? (in no particular order)
When you:
are physically hurt in any way, THE FIRST TIME, includes (but not limited to) hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, kneeing, kicking, tickling, being pinned to a wall/floor/bed, having things thrown at you, seeing pets or inanimate objects being abused, etc., the first time, its time to leave.
hear a therapist say you're in an abusive relationship and you say "no I'm not...he doesn't hit me or call me names..." it's time to leave.
are always questioning/doubting yourself and your sanity, it's time to leave.
have no idea what it feels like to be happy or content, it's time to leave.
have no sense of physical, emotional &/or spiritual safety or security, it's time to leave.
can't remember the last time you felt calm & peaceful, it's time to leave.
are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's time to leave.
are always apologizing, just to keep the peace or shut him up, it's time to leave.
feel like nothing ever gets resolved, it's time to leave.
feel that you HAVE to stay because you can't support yourself (and your kids) &/or that you have no one to help you &/or you can't make it on your own, it's time to leave.
realize that you have few, if any, friends left or if your friends tell you that you are crazy for wanting to leave such a good man (that means you haven't been honest about what goes on behind closed doors), it's time to leave.
are the brunt of his "jokes", it's time to leave.
think about being with him &/or miss him, but as you get close to him &/or home, that feeling disappears, it's time to leave.
people tell you over and over what a perfect marriage you have and how great your spouse/SO is & you nod, smile, say thank you but you feel sick to your stomach &/or you feel like an impostor, it's time to leave.
don't like what you become when you interact with your spouse/SO, it's time to leave.
see that his actions repeatedly don't match his words, it's time to leave.
realize all he does is lie, omit things, &/or make things up, it's time to leave.
trust him more than you trust yourself, it's time to leave.
realize its all about him and never about you except when it's your fault, its time to leave.
*~ *~ *~ * ~* ~*
If we took these one at a time, we could rationalize to ourselves that just one of the things on this list (except for the physical abuse) isn't enough to leave.
But please reconsider. Each one of these things in & of itself is enough to tell us that we deserve better.
Walking on eggshells, its time to leave.
Withholding sexually, financially, and emotionally, Its time to leave
Constant put downs about anything you do, its time to leave
Awesome post.
I sat down with my father last night, and he asked me what my game plan was. He also told me how proud he is of me and that he believe that right now, I have my priorities straight (my gosh, I cannot even begin to tell you how wonderful that felt..)
Anyways, I started tearing up because I talked about how I have been missing my stbx, and, as the distance gets greater, I sometimes wonder if it was all real or not.
Thanks for reminding me that I am doing the right thing.
I am going to save this post and look at it whenever I feel low.
HUGS all around!
When you look in the mirror and wonder who this person is looking back??..definitely time to go.
Threatens suicide if you leave him... time to leave.
When you say to yourself - I wish he would hit me so I had a reason to leave... time to leave.
-guilting you into sex...getting mad when it is not available to him
_becoming so depressed, insecure. feeling of complete loss
- panic attacks starting to happen
_losing oneself
TIME FOR ME TO LEAVE
It's time to leave.
When you finally give yourself permission to get angry about what you have been missing out on in life. It's time to make a plan, then leave.
adtamer, there is a person inside of you who is whole and genuine and lovable.
She has gone into hiding, because being seen by your abuser is dangerous.
If and when you leave, you will have the option of letting her out. Your true self.
Doing that now, in an abusive relationship, is not an option. We do what we have to do to survive. Sometimes that means we temporarily lose ourselves to avoid conflict.
It's not a permanent condition.
That's where I WAS...and in spite of my up days and down days... this is where I'll STAY.. as far away from him as I can get.
I'm finally getting to the point where I can look in the mirror and say to myself that I deserve better. With him, I lived in his shadow and under his control... Not any more...
When you have thoughts in your head about doing him harm, it's time to leave
When you he speaks to you like you are a child and banns you from entering certain rooms because you might break something, it's time to leave
When he smashes your personal posessions, it's time to leave
When he gambles away your money and lies about why he needed it, making you feel guilty so that you give it to him, it's time to leave.
When he makes you feel so frightened if you don't do what he wants, like if you are late by mistake, it's time to leave.
When you know he will be angry because you are late, untidy or too slow, it's time to leave.
When he denies that he made you feel a certain way and yet you feel it, be it fat, untouchable, unattractive, stupid, lazy, clumsy, bad at cleaning, cooking, living, it's time to leave.
When you don't know if you're coming or going because he changes his behaviour from one day to the next, it's time to leave.
When he wakes up in the morning and tells you that you have to leave now or he'll go without you, it's time to leave.
When you are unhappy, unconfident, tired, discontented, sad, and trying to make everything OK yet nothing changes, it's time to leave.
When you think he can't love you anymore because of how he treats you, whatever he says to make you change your mind, it's time to leave.
When he denies the problem and tells you it's your fault, it's time to leave.
When you end up doing things which you didn't want to do because you felt scared of what would happen if you didn't, or that he would leave you, it's time to leave.
When you sit in your house with your back against a door to prevent him from seeing your distress and despair, and pray he will not come into that room,it's time to leave.
He walked away and went to our cabin without me for a weekend when I was crying because he got mad at me out of the blue. Hits home!!
One morning I had a vision of living my life out with him, and how dark, and lonely, and destitute that would be...for me, for my son. I knew then in that moment, that staying was the worst choice I could possibly make....and the scariest...
When he treats your kids like dirt because you do something for them and not him, time to leave!
When you hear him coming down the hall to come in the room you are in and you scream LEAVE ME ALONE, time to leave!
and as someone said when he touches you and it makes you wanna puke,time to leave!!
Great Post!! I needed it tonight :)
If he tells you what he wants from you and you do it, then he changes the rules, it's time to leave.
If he hides money from you, it's time to leave.
If he trys to get you to engage/assist him in his criminal activites, it's time to leave.
If he tries to get you to sleep with other people (men/women) it's time to RUN!
Sometimes I wish he would have just hit me, then It would have been obvious and I would have left 4 years earlier before the damage was done.
I'm still constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop! I'm sure it will. Many more times.
Great post, thank you.