Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"Genuine grieving for our childhood ends our morbid fascination with the past and lets us return to the present, free to live as adults. Confronting years of pain and loss at first seems overwhelming." BRB p. 83
We may have been going to meetings for many years, lamenting the slings and arrows of our recovery life. Perhaps we thought we were "Living life on life's terms," - doing the best we could.
But often progress seemed to come in dribs and drabs. This left us with a sense of frustration at the little spiritual progress we had made, despite our best efforts.
But what may have been missing was the willingness to genuinely grieve for our lost childhoods. Grief work is not about just learning to tell our story, but about starting to discover and express the underlying trauma and emotions. Doing this level of work is the true path to freeing ourselves.
When we are no longer held in place by the disembodied stories and the undercurrent of repressed feelings, we can begin to take positive action, change our life's terms, find joy in the present, and feel alive for possibly the first time.
On this day I will tell the real story of my childhood trauma. In doing so, I will free my True Self and enjoy this day my Higher Power has given me.
"Children of alcoholics are paralyzed by indecision when trying to separate emotionally from their homes." BRB p. 87
When we started telling our story in ACA, we may have felt like we were betraying everything we had ever known, and we were - but that was okay. Part of recovery is releasing ourselves from the emotional chaos of our family of origin by rebelling, getting mad, and walking out, saying, "I'm not gonna take this anymore."
We are reparenting ourselves when we detach from our abusers and take responsibility for our own actions. We learn to share what really happened to us with fellow travelers and in meetings. We continue to heal when more memories surface and we work through them. We take care of ourselves by journaling, exercising, and learning to eat healthier.
We may still be paralyzed with indecision at times, but we allow our healed parts to nurture the parts that are still sick and wounded - they show up for each other. We rely on those with more recovery to mentor us by observing how they manage times of stress and peace. We walk towards freedom.
On this day I will make forward movement, even when I am afraid of the consequences. I now have a healthy support system that I know will be there for me, including my inner loving parent.
"People want recovery, but they prefer it be pain free. That is understandable, but unfortunately, identifying and feeling our feelings is a part of healing." BRB Introduction p. xxiii
"Feelings? What are those?!" As children from dysfunctional homes, if we cried, many of us were told, "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" If we openly showed our feelings, we risked being told we were stupid or that we'd never amount to anything. When our parents failed to show up at our special school events, we learned not to show hurt or disappointment. The more vulnerable we were, the more we were shamed. When we were verbally or physically abused, we pretended it didn't happen. Our broken hearts shut down.
When many of us first come to ACA, we may have no idea how we're feeling. We've been shut down for so long that numb feels normal. Our tears are frozen. Opening up to our feelings seems threatening and scary.
As we keep coming back, we learn to heal by developing trust in our fellow travelers. This feeling of trust can lead to the opening of the flood gates, an expression of emotion that eventually feels normal. As we release our old pain, we make room for discovering how to play and have fun again. We open our hearts and feel joy in our lives.
On this day I welcome all of my feelings, especially those that are unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I have the tools to work through them in order to mend my broken heart from childhood.
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." BRB p. 130
Our parents had been our gods. This is normal for children because parents are their primary support system.
As adults, many of us had not progressed past this stage of growth, no matter how far away we moved. We had believed everything they said for so long that we continued to internalize their negativity and messages without even being around them. Their voices were inside us.
Concerning religious beliefs, some of our families had no tolerance for anything except their religious belief system. Others of us may have been told that only weakminded people believe in a Higher Power.
In recovery, when many of us seek to identify a Higher Power, we may be confused by these intolerant and abusive viewpoints. To find clarity, we give ourselves permission to step away from those old ideas, even about what the word God means. Many of us may start by seeing our ACA family as the "something greater than ourselves." This is the beginning of our search for spiritual freedom. It may seem foreign at first, because this wouldn't have been allowed in our families.
But we're on a journey. We try things out and see what works for us. We notice we have an inner compass, and we start to follow it fearlessly.
On this day I know there is a power greater than me. I honor the fact that my concept of a Higher Power may continue to change as I grow.
"We focus on others to avoid looking at our own behavior and fear." BRB p. 335
Why do some of us want to take care of everyone else so badly? Why do we get so incensed when we see others treated poorly, feeling anger and rage towards the perpetrator?
Yes, we feel deeply that no one should take advantage of other people. But the baggage we are carrying from our childhoods often causes us to go beyond trying to help someone. We can blow things entirely out of proportion with our unresolved sadness and rage.
In ACA, we learn that we cannot be effective in helping others until we deal with our own issues. We do this by getting honest about the true nature of our behaviors. When we fight someone else's fight, aren't we really fighting for that wounded part of us that remains unhealed? When we feel their pain and hang onto it, aren't we really feeling our own childhood trauma?
Often the best way to help others is to let them learn how to stand up for themselves. And the best way to help ourselves is to be aware of what we're doing and why we're doing it. When we focus too much on someone else's fight, we realize that it's because we have unresolved issues.
On this day I will be clear about my motives before I look outside of myself to take action.
"To withstand the intense pain of living with insanity and to have any sense of control we must deny our feelings and hide our vulnerability."BRB, p. 356
As we grew up we were shattered into many parts. Because of the insanity around us, we learned to hide our more vulnerable parts in order to survive. Some of us became multiple personalities and others of us were less broken, but we all found ourselves numb in some way. We adapted and adopted whatever survival techniques we needed.
In ACA recovery it can take time for some of our hidden parts to make themselves known - until they trust there is an inner loving parent who accepts them.
We work with our recovery partners and discover how to give ourselves the warmth, love, compassion and understanding we didn't experience as children. As we comfort and protect our Inner Child, we make healing our priority as we learn to quiet ourselves to see what feelings come up - what memories resurface.
To help ensure that the rooms of recovery are available for ourselves and others, we can also begin to give service in our meetings in small ways. We see that our honesty can encourage others to face their own fears as we learn together how to experience balance in our lives.
On this day I will listen to and comfort my Inner Child, accepting all of the parts of myself that make me unique. I look forward to who I can become as I heal.
"PTSD symptoms can include hypervigilance or the constant monitoring of one's surroundings for potential threat of harm." BRB p. 345
Many of us have few concrete memories of childhood. We know we lived through amazing trauma, but if we're asked what happened to us, we often have few examples to relate. We may have defining moments that we remember, but we also have years of "blanks." Some memories we do have were related by our siblings.
We repressed our memories as a protection mechanism. But when we arrive in ACA, we try to locate them because they're the key to much of our dysfunctional behavior. Some behavior, such as hypervigilance, seems inexplicable in its intensity. We can even be sitting with our recovery friends, perhaps in a meeting, and we can't seem to let go of monitoring everything that's going on. What we might have previously labeled as a highly overdeveloped sense of responsibility is more likely PTSD.
As we work our program and become willing to uncover our trauma, we begin to free ourselves from the heightened state of awareness that wears us out and causes problems in our relationships. We unbury memories that have gotten us to this state, often with the help of therapy, and by sharing our story and listening to others in meetings.
On this day I will not be afraid to uncover the memories that seem to bind me to my dysfunctional behaviors.
"The gratitude we feel is limitless." BRB p. 292
Often we may have said or thought to ourselves at a meeting, "I had so much going on that I almost didn't come, but I am so grateful I did because I heard just what I needed." As our recovery progresses, we are thankful for what may seem to some of us like divine timing. We feel grateful for the right meeting topic at the best possible moment. Often a fellow traveler with just the right message will show up when we are ready, or perhaps the message has been there all along and we're finally ready to hear it. Sometimes we may see a person only once, but what they say or demonstrate is exactly what hits home for us at that moment.
All around us we begin to notice our needs are being met when we're ready to recognize what is being placed before us. We may even be lucky enough to receive something we just want. Whatever we receive, it will be a gift.
If something is presented that we don't want or need, we have the choice to let it go and turn it over. Sometimes we are just meant to have the information so we can pass it on to someone else who needs that very gift.
On this day I am aware of the wonderful gifts that appear when I need them. I am grateful for the opportunities they present for personal growth.
"Another form of not being in the body involves dissociation or ‘leaving the body.'" BRB p. 269
As kids, we may have gotten into big trouble when we showed how we felt. So many of us taught our little faces and voices and bodies NOT to show emotion. We may have eventually learned to disconnect from our feelings even before they surfaced. We knew we had to live physically in our bodies, but we could refuse to listen to what our bodies were trying to tell us. Some of us became so dissociated that we even looked at others to know when to smile or frown. We had lost our identities in the process.
When we found ACA, we heard dissociation described as a disconnection from our feelings, thoughts, body needs and other parts of ourselves. We also learned that childhood trauma was the cause.
At meetings, when we heard others say they felt numb, empty or dead inside, we may have identified because of our own trauma and disconnect. We heard that change is possible, but it requires work.
When we make the commitment to ourselves, our feelings start to show up; they may be strong and come in large quantities. It's scary, but we have the support of other ACAs. Working the program, and learning to trust in a Higher Power, helps us restore our True Selves. We accept our feelings and become who we were meant to be.
On this day I will pause, find a quiet place to sit, and breathe whenever I feel disconnected from myself. I will maintain conscious contact with my Higher Power…and myself.
"Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all." BRB p. 227
Making an amends list is part of wiping the slate clean for ourselves and walking into a new way of life. Many of us had been part of physically and emotionally unsafe relationships as adults, and we knew we eventually had to own our part in those relationships.
As we made our amends list, we were told to put ourselves first. In doing so, we thought about all the things we had lost, most importantly our childhoods, and what that meant for us. Even though we missed the stages of child development we were entitled to, we realized we could nurture ourselves and help make up for that loss.
In making amends to ourselves, we acknowledge any self-harm we have done, including not forgiving ourselves for simply being human. Then we move on to amends to others, knowing we aren't being asked to make amends to unsafe people.
Taking Step Eight helps us grow spiritually and emotionally. Whatever amends we eventually make, it's a healing process. As part of this process, we continue to work on the character defects that have placed us in the position of making amends in the first place. We go forward in confidence and love to whatever comes next.
On this day I will stay current with the amends I owe myself, and then work with those I may owe others.
"In ACA, we take a spiritual and not religious approach to healing the effects of being raised in a dysfunctional home." BRB p. 76
The writers of the 12 Steps knew that, even though we claimed to be spiritual, the use of the word "God" could be controversial.
When we hear the word "God" in our meetings, some of us feel comforted, and some of us experience negativity and sadness. No matter what our reaction, it is important for us to remember that in ACA we unite around a spiritual foundation that allows us to believe what we choose.
Many of us grew up knowing a loving, supportive God, and many of us grew up with a punishing God. No matter what beliefs we had in childhood, we often found a different understanding as adults. In many cases, we continue to search for a path that feels comfortable.
Spiritual, not religious means that our fellowship recognizes there are many belief systems, and the cloak of spirituality allows us to be equals in our recovery. No one of us knows the right answer for anyone else. There is no one right way to believe, and we respect each other's differences, even while we unconditionally support each other.
On this day, while I seek to strengthen my spiritual belief, I practice tolerance for beliefs that differ from mine.
"A good therapist…. should ask you about trauma and abuse, including child sexual abuse, if there are clear indicators of family history, acting-out behavior, records, or other discernible factors." BRB p. 462
Some of us have been in therapy with people who mirrored our abusive parents. They told us that our childhood sexual abuse was no big deal because what happened to children at a young age doesn't really affect them. We sometimes even allowed them to sexually abuse us in the course of therapy.
We realize that there are a lot of good therapists out there, but not all of them are safe. We do not let this stop us from getting the right help. We learn how to set boundaries with the people who work for us, including those who seem like they are in a position of authority over us. We stop trying to please others. We allow ourselves the space to say what we need, but we check first to see if it's safe to talk.
When a therapist isn't working for us, we allow ourselves to explore other options. When we stop going back to poisoned wells, we are reparenting ourselves with love. We learn to take the power back, the power that was stolen from us in childhood. We trust our instincts because we have created safe boundaries in which to allow them to be revealed.
On this day I will ask as many questions as I need to, no matter what the situation. If I'm not satisfied with the answers, I will explore other options.
"The level of pain that adult children can tolerate without admitting they have hit a bottom is astonishing." BRB p. 68
We learned to live with pain as children and continued to do so as adults. When faced with the pain of toxic relationships, we slip into survival mode to avoid the uncertainty of change.
We know that our lives are in chaos, that we accept the unacceptable from the people around us, and that we have no reason to expect tomorrow to be better. Yet we trudge through each day, often with a pain so deep it feels out of reach.
Everyone who has walked into ACA has felt the apprehension that comes with change. Often, fear of change is so strong that we can still convince ourselves that things aren't that bad.
We are all creatures of habit, even when those habits are harmful to us. ACA is the first step in saying our lives are out of control and we need help. The question is, do we want to live a life that "isn't that bad," or do we have the faith in our Higher Power, in our program, and in ourselves to overcome the fear of change?
We do not have to do this alone. Our fellow travelers are more than willing to take the journey with us.
On this day I will reach out my hand to end the cycle of pain and know there will be someone there to hold onto.
"The child feels he must perform or do well to earn a parent's love." BRB p. 30
For many of us, we had to perform appropriately to get any feeling of love or acceptance as children. But conditional love was the only love, if any, that we received. Many times the conditions were as dysfunctional as the love, and often they changed from day to day. We heard people talk of unconditional love, but many of us didn't think that it really existed.
In ACA, when we listen to the voices in our heads that tell us we're not good enough, we understand this is our inner critic. It's no longer our parent's voice, but our own, repeating the negative words spoken to us as children. But how did this happen? We weren't going to be like our parents. But here we are telling ourselves the very words that cut us like a knife when we were vulnerable children.
Once we see the harm we are doing to ourselves and know why it's happening, the ACA program helps us replace negative words with positive affirmations. We can give ourselves the unconditional love that was denied us as children. We don't have to please anyone to get it. The cycle of pain is ending.
We are now free to face life with a positive frame of mind, getting ready to give the blessing of unconditional love to others. On this day I give myself unconditional love and acceptance. In doing so, I will then truly be able to accept and love others.
"We confuse love and pity and tend to ‘love' people we can ‘pity' and ‘rescue.'" BRB p. 12
In many aspects of our lives we are drawn to the familiar, not because it is good for us, but because it is more comfortable than change. The fact is that as much as many of us protest, we are drawn to other dysfunctional people. The reason for this attraction is very likely a deep sense of shame many of us carry from our childhood that we keep as our well-guarded secret. The message of this shame is that we are not "good enough," because as children we did not feel valued for who we were.
Only by entering into relationships with other sick people will our secret be secure in the chaos of the dysfunctional. We can focus on them and rescue them, which often makes them want us more - at least for a while.
As we gain self-respect in ACA, these innate attractions start to disappear because we realize we're not getting our needs met. As we change, and as hard as it can seem at first, we may have to leave some relationships behind if the other people are not willing to change also. In doing so, we learn to reject the notion that this is somehow selfish. That is codependent thinking that is not fair to anyone, least of all ourselves.
On this day, with the help of my Higher Power, I choose healthy people to be part of my life, people who are willing to embrace the new me.