Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"Learn to validate yourself by becoming your own loving parent." BRB p. xxiv
In ACA, we pay attention to how we talk to ourselves in our heads. Mindfulness helps us stop those thoughts that say, "What's wrong with me?" and replace them with, "I have a lot of things going for me. I am amazing!" As we work our program and make progress, we become our own loving parent and learn to take care of ourselves by affirming our growth.
It seems second nature for us to be critical of ourselves - even about our recovery work. We can tell ourselves that we aren't doing it right, or it's taking us too long. But when we see children learning to read, is it okay to criticize them along the way? Or do they need to hear encouragement and support, and have someone say positive things like, "Outstanding! You're doing great. Keep it up." Most of us didn't hear these words in our dysfunctional families, but we can learn to say them to ourselves now.
Our inner loving parent can tell us some of the most wonderful words a parent can say to a child, words a child remembers for a lifetime, words that help a child know they are okay the way they are. "I love you and I am proud of you." This is what we've been waiting to hear.
On this day I will capture positive moments, feel proud of myself for the work I am doing, and tell myself I am loved for who I am.
"By using our program and the support of our fellowship, we learn that we can affect changes in our working lives." BRB p. 425
At work many of us noticed we were extremely uncomfortable. When we talked about our job difficulties, an ACA member asked if we'd ever read Chapter 14, "Taking Our Program to Work."
When we read it, we couldn't believe how true it was. Again, ACA literature told us things about ourselves we didn't know. We started to see ourselves and our jobs with fresh eyes. We learned that we related to people at our jobs as though they were our families of origin. We saw them through the filter of our Laundry List Traits, and we acted accordingly with each person, depending on their mood and/or who they reminded us of from our family.
By relying on a Higher Power, the support of our meetings and fellow travelers, and our continuing work on the Steps, we now notice little changes here and there. We are able to pause and ask ourselves, "Is this big reaction I'm feeling based on the here and now? What does it remind me of?" We use our recovery tools and call or email our recovery supporters during these times to process our experiences. Before we know it, our recovery is present in all parts of our lives, especially on the job.
On this day I will remember that I am safe and important, whether I am home, at work, or somewhere in between.
"By transforming our people-pleasing manner, we do not stop caring about others. However, we stop going over the line to ensure that we are never abandoned." BRB p. 112
As children, we looked to others such as our parents or teachers for approval. Doing so often kept us safe. Over time, this practice taught us to abandon our own sense of worth in favor of someone else's external measure of our value. Without others' approval, we felt like failures.
Through ACA, we learn to listen to our own inner loving parent's voice, no longer needing to rely on others to give us a sense of ourselves. We learn to be true to ourselves, acting in ways that are aligned with the core values, beliefs and feelings that are becoming part of us. We seek no one's approval but our own.
We sometimes find that our new actions may cause conflict with others. But with confidence in our new inner compass and no longer fearing abandonment, we hold fast to our beliefs, speak our truths, and strengthen our sense of self. We no longer need external forces to justify our existence.
On this day I will listen to my inner loving parent and know that is all the approval I need for my thoughts and actions.
"We are not responsible for rescuing, saving, or healing our parents or siblings who remain mired in family dysfunction. We can detach with love and begin the gradual process of learning about boundaries." BRB p. 102
Our relationships with our siblings were usually complicated growing up. If our parents were ‘at war' with each other, it meant we were often ‘at war' with each other. It's what we learned; it's what we lived!
As adults, still caught up in this all-consuming family dysfunction, we were in each other's business and knew what was best for the others, even if they didn't. We often gossiped about each other, formed alliances and competed with each other.
When we began to find a better life in ACA, some of us jumped right to the Twelfth Step and decided it was now our job to rescue our siblings because now we really knew the answers. But the Program tells us otherwise. If we are to find true recovery, we have to do the hard work for ourselves and detach from our family, setting healthy boundaries. If not, we'll continually struggle with ways to save them.
When we stop and really listen to ourselves, we see that doing these things is not what recovery is about. All of these "fixes" are no different than the way we've always operated. We learn to let go, realizing we can't heal them. We must release them to find their own way.
On this day I will remember that my true recovery lies in my ability to detach, set boundaries, and heal myself first.
"We became addicted to excitement." BRB p. 16
For most people, a lot of things can create excitement: seeing a new movie, having a favorite old friend visit, preparing for a holiday, shopping, getting a new pet, celebrating birthdays, and even sex. But the problem for many adult children is our need to create excitement in order to feel alive. Too often, this is done in a negative way that harms us and our relationships.
In adulthood, this addiction to excitement can play out in many ways, including starting frequent arguments with a spouse, having an affair that creates excitement and then pain, playing extreme sports because we crave the adrenaline rush, or using drugs or alcohol to feel "up." If we don't have a certain level of excitement in our lives on a regular basis, we feel like life is boring, something's just not right, we are missing out, or maybe we are just not loved.
In recovery, we can identify the ways in which we create excitement that harms us and our loved ones. We then learn to stop ourselves before we go over the line. This can give us a sense of calm that may seem uncomfortable at first, but we'll get used to it. This is part of learning who we are.
On this day I pray for the wisdom to identify negative excitement that I may create. I no longer wish to harm myself and others by this behavior.
"In ACA we look at our parents' behavior, family roles, rules, messages, abuse, neglect, and how that affects us as adults. We balance the inventory of our family system with a thorough inventory of our own behavior." BRB p. 109
Step Four may be the first time many of us tell our whole story to someone else. This is a remarkable event, one that leaves us with a sense of wholeness we have never experienced before. The idea we may have been carrying around, that we were unlovable, is now slowly melting away.
One of the wonderful things about ACA is that our Fourth Step inventory helps us understand where we truly came from and who we're becoming. We accept all of what we were given so that we can decide what to keep. When we take our inventory we make it balanced, recognizing that we are now making our own choices; we are no longer blindly accepting what others have implanted in our minds. We don't have to carry all the abuse and neglect that were passed down to us generationally.
The balance we learn allows us to see where we need to go. We continue to keep the focus on ourselves and change what we can. We no longer look for temporary solutions to life's problems.
On this day I will trust my direction. I have begun to see more clearly that this new path I walk will give me the freedom I deserve.
"We must remember that ACA is a spiritual and not religious program. Faith and religious conviction are not requirements for ACA membership. We avoid dogmatism and theological discussions, yet, a Higher Power is a key part of the ACA way of life." BRB p. 106
It often seems amazing that we can become so close to one another in our meetings, relying on each other for emotional support, and still have disparate views on what constitutes a Higher Power. This is because we have come together for a single reason: we recognize that our dysfunctional childhoods override everything else. We support each other for who we are because we have a commonality that unites us.
ACA does not endorse any religious view. As individuals, if we have our own religious view, we may not use ACA as a platform to try to convert others. If we do not have a religious view, we are not entitled to criticize another member's religious viewpoint. We practice tolerance for others.
All belief systems have one thing in common: they are spiritual in nature. Our personal spirituality and recognition of a Higher Power of our own understanding are what help guide us on our healing journey.
On this day I will remember that my spiritual beliefs are a vital part of my recovery; they need not match those of other people in the program.
"As adult children, most of us have used a variety of relationships in an attempt to heal ourselves from the chronic sense of aloneness in our lives." BRB p. 173
We swam inside other people like a fish swims in water. This gave us some relief from the anxiety we felt when we were alone. Other people's problems, no matter how bad they were or how needy those faces became, were a tonic to our existence - a way to get out of ourselves. But we learned that we had become overly focused on others, using their dramas and excitement to energize us in unhealthy ways. This is how we realized we had an unhealthy dependence on excitement.
In recovery, we stop trying to fix others. We replace those relationships where we kept going in circles with healthier relationships with others in the program, recognizing the honesty that is available to us.
When we find an ACA sponsor or fellow traveler, it may be the first emotionally honest relationship we have ever had. From there, we learn to take our recovery out into the world and make friends with people who have the same qualities and integrity, people who have boundaries and can take care of themselves. At some point, we realize we've made the final turn - we now find overly needy people unattractive. We finally understand why people reacted to us the way they did before recovery.
On this day I will seek to connect to my Higher Power and connect through the healthy energy of others who want to heal both inside and outside of program.
"We will learn how to play and have fun in our lives." BRB p. 591
Just as we learned to fear our alcoholic and dysfunctional families, we can now learn to play and enjoy ourselves. This does not mean playing solitary games on our computers, tablets, or game consoles.
A way that many of us learn to become more lighthearted is by finding real enjoyment in the company of other ACAs. While we maintain a certain structure in our meetings, we can also experience fellowship before or after the meetings and share good times. This may feel weird to some of us at first because we are learning to relate to people differently than we're used to, but as with the rest of the ACA program, daily practice helps us become more comfortable with the idea.
Laughter starts to flow more naturally as we begin to let our guard down. We become less concerned with saying the right thing and more concerned with just being in the moment. Where we once filled every waking moment with activity as a way to keep ourselves occupied, we can learn to become more of a human being than a human doing. We can now have fun because we are finally free from the fear of showing our True Self. Did you hear the one about two adult children who walk into a meeting…?
On this day I will practice playing and will enjoy having fun with others in a wholesome and positive way.
"We are motivated to get out of ourselves and to be of service to others… We give back what has been given to us freely in ACA." BRB p. 439
In our early ACA experience, we may have been skeptical, confused, angry, or sad. Certainly no one has ever come to ACA because things were working well. A physical, mental, and spiritual bottom usually brings us to ACA.
Having come to ACA meetings a few times, we may have caught a glimmer of hope that the ACA program may help us. After awhile, we may have asked someone for their number or had a cup of coffee with them to see if we might become fellow travelers.
As we reflect on those early days, we can only imagine what might have become of us had we not found an ACA meeting. Our thoughts may turn to those whose lives are similarly affected, and we would like for them to have the same opportunity for spiritual growth.
So we may decide to participate in the group's business meeting, or accept a service role at the group, Intergroup, or World Service level. Or maybe we feel most comfortable accepting the invitation to chat or have a cup of coffee with another ACA who is about to embark on this wonderful spiritual adventure. We decide our own best way to give back.
On this day I recall my early days and the progress I have made. In return, I will perform service in some way so that other ACAs may find this life-saving program.
"We release the shame we have carried surrounding the sexual abuse." BRB p. 233
Those of us who were sexually abused often gravitate to self-destructive behaviors to numb the pain and shame. With meetings and the help of our Higher Power, we gradually shed some of the behaviors that keep us stuck. If we have acted out sexually, we learn respect for ourselves and others; if the use of pornography has brought us shame and guilt, we look honestly at its effect and let it go, one day at time; if we have numbed ourselves with "socially acceptable" pastimes, like TV and computer games, we learn to find balance.
Some of us who are connected financially to our perpetrators begin to take steps to become financially independent of them, letting go of their control.
In recovery, we honor our Inner Children who survived the abuse by learning how to play again, by giving them a voice and listening to them, especially around sexual thoughts. We let them know that it's okay to talk, to trust, and to feel. We let them know we are there for them, and that they come first - that they don't have to be sexual to be loved.
On this day I will remember that as I work my program, I am rescuing myself and no longer allowing the abuse to control my life.
"Clinical research strongly suggests that childhood trauma or neglect are stored in the tissue of the children. The emotional or physical trauma does not go away without an effort to address the original cause." BRB p. 17
"It's in your bones" they might have said. "There's something the matter with the whole family." These statements only beg the question that often gets overlooked, "Why?"
Though the trauma of our forefathers and foremothers is stored in us, then so too must be the restorative part of the body. In fact, when we work the Steps, reparent ourselves, attend meetings, and join with a fellow traveler, we are using some of the most powerful tools known to restore our bodies back to a balanced, natural condition. This is not easy and often takes considerable effort and persistence, and may even include an occasional or even a frequent ACA relapse.
However, there is no easier, softer way. The process of recovery involves real work and determination that pays dividends beyond our expectations. If we are willing to stay on this recovery journey, if we trust the Steps and Promises, our bodies can release the stored trauma, which brings us true relief. The miracle of recovery is the destination and we can get there.
On this day I will pay close attention to my body and the clues it gives me about my stored trauma. I reaffirm for myself that by using the Steps and reparenting myself, the trauma energy can be released so that I may experience a wholeness I could not have possibly imagined.
"We balance our experiences as children with the knowledge that we have a unique chance through ACA to break the cycle of family dysfunction." BRB p. 95
Many of our family members seemed to live from one reactive moment to the next. There was little, if any, thought given to planning ahead for possibilities and/ or how best to approach situations. Some of us tried to change this pattern as adults, perhaps as we raised our own families. Maybe we became rigid when planning, to overcompensate for the chaos we had experienced, or we may have found ourselves frequently feeling overwhelmed. We did not seem to have the capacity to look at the big picture and act accordingly, and we consistently berated ourselves for this shortcoming.
When we find a new way to live in recovery, we work to erase old tapes and old ways of doing things. But ingrained habits do not disappear overnight. When we feel ourselves at either end of the reaction spectrum - too rigid or feeling overwhelmed - we open our new tool bag and find a way to center ourselves, whether it's through a phone call or using another tool of recovery. By doing so, we reinforce our resolve to live intentional lives. We find purpose and hope because of the balance we are able to integrate. This leads to the peace and serenity we have always deserved.
On this day I will pause and think about how I want to live my day. I affirm that I deserve to live the balanced life that I choose, not a life that simply happens to me.
"In his ‘Next Frontier' article Bill [W.] wrote, ‘If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand.'" BRB, p. 628
Growing up in dysfunctional homes meant that chaos was normal. As a result, we may have become adults who could not feel at ease when things were calm. We may have craved drama and excitement on such a subconscious level that we were drawn to it without realizing the reason why.
In recovery, we gain the clarity to see that out of our craving for intensity, we were finding a form of comfort by continually recreating our childhood atmosphere. But even though this chaos felt familiar, recovery teaches us that our vulnerable and wounded child's needs were not being met.
By attending meetings and listening to the stories of other adult children, we learn that we are not alone. When we work the program, we cultivate two essential qualities in our lives: courage and self-esteem. Through the Twelve Steps we learn to let go and turn our will and our lives over to a Higher Power of our own understanding. When we do this, we find that gradually the desire for emotional intoxication will leave us.
On this day I free myself from the cycle of emotional intoxication by listening to my Higher Power's guidance. I deserve balance, which I get by practicing my program in all areas of my life.
"Abuse from authority figures in childhood has left us on guard as adults about authority figures. We tend to place people in the category of authority figure when they may not be such a person." BRB p. 379
Fear of authority figures in our adult life can add unnecessary stress when old fears get triggered. As children, many of us were always on guard to not displease our parent or to find a hiding place when danger was present. One or both parents may have been experts at creating real or imagined fear in us.
Routinely, we now encounter others who have authority over us, either because of our jobs or theirs. Some of us also allow people to assume an authority role because we are afraid of conflict. It can even feel daunting when a parking attendant tells us we can't park "there," or a sales clerk tries to talk us into a different purchase. Our goal in recovery is to recognize these situations for what they are, and learn to act as adults.
To gain control over our lives, when we interact with someone in authority, we now do a quick internal check. Are we feeling fearful, angry, resentful, or timid? Are we putting our alcoholic parent's face on this person? If so, we stop and examine the situation from a new perspective. The interaction may not be pleasant, but it is not our childhood coming back to life.
On this day I will recognize when I am responding to authority figures with childhood reactions. I will now approach things from a new perspective as a recovering adult.