Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"There is great joy awaiting you to watch a frightened or foggy newcomer attend his or her first meeting and watch that person open up." BRB p. 293
When we arrived at our first ACA meeting, we weren't sure what to expect. Very nervously, we walked in and found a place to sit anyway. Some of what they read made no sense. Our minds went in and out of focus. The Laundry List got our attention, and people's shares brought up a bundle of feelings. There were rules about sharing, and we were pretty nervous to make a mistake, so some of us didn't share. Silence felt safe and familiar. Some of us did share, either simply stating facts, or like a gushing faucet, unable to turn off.
Timidly we wondered, "Could this be our answer?" We attended more meetings. We got to know a few faces and we learned their stories.
We opened up slowly. Now and then, we chatted with members after the meeting or in between meetings by phone. Before we knew it, these people felt like family. We joined together and supported each other as we all recovered from our childhood effects.
When newcomers walk in, perhaps looking dazed and afraid, we smile and welcome them while remembering we were once in their shoes.
On this day I will remember how I felt when I started ACA. I admire my courage and dedication, just as I do for everyone who walks in the door of my meeting.
"We protect personal anonymity at all costs to keep our meetings safe. By keeping ACA safe, we strengthen our group unity, and we attract new members who are an important life source for the fellowship." BRB p. 552
Perhaps no Tradition means as much to the ACA program as Tradition Twelve. This is where we protect each other by not mentioning who we see or what we hear at meetings. This anonymity is the spiritual foundation that strengthens our program.
We share only our first names for very good reasons:
It helps newcomers feel more comfortable about sharing intimate details of their lives. Privacy is respected.
Anonymity is a great equalizer. As garden-variety ACAs, our job title, education, and where we live mean nothing. It doesn't matter. We are all in meetings for the same reason - to recover from the effects of our family dysfunction.
Those who refer others to ACA can feel comfortable knowing anyone who attends will not be required to give personal information. In fact, they don't have to say anything if they so choose. By protecting anonymity, we are reminded that we are part of a spiritual program. Anonymity is also related to humility, which is one of our spiritual principles. Humility reminds us we are all equals. The humility we have learned helps keep the doors open.
On this day I will honor Tradition Twelve by honoring the anonymity and confidences of those I see at meetings. This allows the doors of ACA to stay open for all who may follow.
"We will see how our low self-esteem has us judging ourselves mercilessly, giving others the benefit of the doubt, and tolerating inappropriate behavior." BRB p. xxi
Many of us were taught that it was virtuous to "put up with" whatever was doled out, shut up about whatever was going on, and deny our feelings in the process. This led us to doubt our own perceptions, which led us to doubt our own self-worth. Because we actually survived, some of us interpreted our ability to deal with unacceptable situations as resilience.
Unfortunately, we didn't learn that it was acceptable to set boundaries and limits, and that it was okay to say "no" to unacceptable behavior. This is what we learn in ACA. We don't have to be stoic, or pretend that things don't bother us when they do. We don't have to apologize for stuff that's not ours or feel ashamed when we feel triggered. We have the right to our reality, our experiences, and our feelings.
With the help of our recovery support system, we are now learning to trust, to feel, and to talk; this is a wonderful way to live. We can surround ourselves with people who listen to us and acknowledge our feelings. We can be more human, vulnerable, and safe.
On this day I remind myself that being resilient (tolerating abuse) is not the way I want to live my life. I can relax and trust safe people.
"You are not a defective character. You have defects of character." BRB p. 188
Many of us have difficulty hearing the word "defect" and applying it to ourselves because of the way we were raised. First, if we ever said we had a problem, that was usually how we got in trouble. We were criticized for who we were, so the last thing we wanted to do was point out that there was something wrong. Second, most of our "faults" or "defects" became a part of us as adults because a parent demanded we act a certain way. We were not to blame for acquiring these habits, but they really get in our way today.
In ACA, it is important that we acknowledge what is happening in our present lives - the habits we have that perpetuate the family dysfunction. We get honest about their impact to ourselves and others in order to recover from them.
We realize that a defect is something that stops our positive momentum, and we all have them. But that doesn't mean we are defective. Our habits will change as we recover. But first we must see them, admit them, and work them out using the Steps and all the tools now available to us.
On this day I will gratefully and joyously remember that my defects are losing their hold on me as my recovery grows.
understand why we are like we
are and where we need to go in
Recovery, HUGS
"The level of choice we develop in ACA is proportional to the integrity of our boundaries. The more we let go, the stronger our boundaries become. This is an ACA paradox: Letting go creates stronger boundaries." BRB p. 148
Most of us grew up in families without boundaries. It seemed like everyone was in each other's business, passing judgment and telling each other what to think and feel. Even if we had understood the concept of boundaries, we wouldn't have been able to set them for ourselves in the midst of the dysfunction. Yet on some level we often instinctively knew that our boundaries were being violated, whether it was emotional or physical boundaries.
As adults, we were often the boundary violators because of the enmeshment we learned from our families. We simply didn't understand how boundaries worked, and we didn't know how to honor them.
In ACA, we learn that a lack of boundaries is usually about control and manipulation. It's never as simple as it seems, and it takes work to uncover the root of what's really happening. But as soon as we begin to deal with the underlying issues and release the hold they have over us, our boundaries are strengthened; we let go and offer other people the opportunity to find their own way without our help. We learn to separate what's really important and what's not in order to survive as healthy adults.
On this day I will remember that when I choose to let go and not to involve myself where I don't belong, I am creating stronger boundaries for myself.
"An ACA relapse can bring a return of self-harming behavior. The behavior can include emotional eating, drug use, compulsive sexual relationships, or other harmful behaviors." BRB p. 391
As children, we were not allowed to feel our feelings. It wasn't safe to say we felt sad, scared, or angry. Ignoring our feelings really hurt us inside. To relieve our pain, many of us turned to an addictive behavior, which for some of us was finding comfort in food. But this emotional eating caused us to gain weight and feel ashamed of our ballooning bodies. Family members and others then made fun of us. It was an unfair cycle: food comforted us, but that comfort caused even more problems than we originally had. We tried everything we could think of, but nothing worked permanently to stop this cycle. We were crippled with self-hate.
The beauty of the ACA program lies in its virtually guaranteed healing of our childhood damage. We find our comfort in the practice of the 12 Steps, work that restores our stolen identities. As we recover, decades of stuffed feelings and buried memories emerge. Our Higher Power helps us handle these emotions and accept ourselves. Our loving parent guides our Inner Child through each emotion with the gentleness we crave and the dignity we deserve.
On this day, when powerful emotions surface, I will remember that I have the right tools ready and waiting. I can use the Steps, the meetings, and the telephone to help me find true comfort.
"We knew our parents would forget or would trivialize birthdays or holidays." BRB p. 296
The conflicting emotional shift of any holiday can trigger a tsunami of pent-up feelings that cannot be reined in by any sentimental holiday movie, song, or festive decorations.
Sorting out our conflicted feelings and perceptions is not easy. If it were, we wouldn't find ourselves attending meetings, going to therapy, and doing Step work. But we know these tools help us unravel the interwoven strands of our childhood experiences so we can understand how they affect us today.
Through recovery, holidays can provide an opportunity to reevaluate our childhood experiences and how they influence us today. We find that the disappointment we felt because of our parents' attitudes back then may have led us to trivialize present holidays to avoid our own pain and loss.
By doing ACA work, we are able to examine not only our dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors, but also those of our families. From an emotionally sober place, we may uncover the roots of the coping mechanisms we created to make sense of the nonsensical. We can now put them into their proper perspective as relics from the past to be viewed in a glass case as a distant vestige of how things were, not of how they have to be today.
On this day I will examine the conflicting feelings I acquired during my most vulnerable years, recognizing how things were and knowing there is now another way to live.
"We were taught to doubt ourselves so it became natural to believe that we are wrong, defective, or uninformed."BRB p. 302
Many of us learned early to doubt what we knew we saw because our parents shamed us into believing we were incapable of knowing. At first we knew the difference, but eventually we believed that our hunger pangs and other feelings were our imagination.
When we enter the rooms of recovery, we are ready to release this way of thinking. We begin to see that we no longer need to live in the survival mode of our childhood. We are ready to wipe the slate clean and write a new future.
In ACA, we meet people who will support us as we take a second look at our past. By working the Steps and using the tools of the program, we gradually challenge the stories, roles, beliefs and negative, distorted thinking that has colored so much of our lives. We begin to accept the reality of our childhoods and that we did not cause the problems.
We now get to write our own future. We no longer have to be defined by our original family roles or by the toxic thoughts, words and actions of those around us. We get to choose what we want from life, how we see ourselves, and decide which filters we will use to perceive the world. On this day I have the courage to face my past and the faith to write my future. I no longer doubt what I know to be true.
"…we do not have to participate in their dysfunction. We are free to live our own lives." BRB p. 123
As children, we may have had to literally be our "brother's keeper" because in the dysfunction we were given responsibilities far beyond our years. And we didn't learn to take care of ourselves in the process because we were so focused on others.
As adults, many of us continued this pattern: ignoring our own needs and being drawn to people we could take care of. We told ourselves we were okay because we were caring, compassionate people. And in return, we often received praise and adulation. People said things like, "Isn't she wonderful?" "What would we do without him?" This fed the hole in our soul for a while.
But then the praise stopped coming unless we asked for it. The satisfaction we thought we were experiencing diminished. We may even have started to blame others for being ungrateful.
When we joined ACA, we began a program of rigorous honesty and learned to recognize what we were doing. Yes, people took advantage of us, but we taught them to treat us that way. And now, with the help of ACA, our Higher Power, and our new family, we have begun to undo that. We are letting others take responsibility for themselves.
On this day I will continue taking care of and valuing myself because I am worth it! I will give others the gift of taking care of themselves.
"On our journey, we need the assistance of a trusted friend with knowledge of recovery." BRB p. 379
The ACA Big Red Book tells us we're trained with 72 seasons (18 years) of learned survival skills that turned into dysfunctional behavior as adults. Knowing this makes it seem unreasonable to expect total recovery in a few meetings, a few hours with the ACA Workbook or even a cover-to-cover read of the Big Red Book.
In cases of divorce, it's said that it takes a year of grieving to recover for every five years of marriage. If we translate that formula to our circumstances of grieving our ACA "soul rupture," it becomes even more understandable that recovery is an ongoing process. And it can't truly happen without the help of our Higher Power and fellow travelers who are able to lead us away from years of frozen emotion.
ACA recovery has its ups and downs, no matter how hard we work at it. So it's important to know we can relapse, just as in other Twelve Step programs. However, an ACA relapse can take us into periods of sadness and isolation. This becomes less frequent as we continue to give ourselves permission to be human and to make mistakes. We learn to put down the mirror of harsh selfjudgment to let life and serenity in.
On this day I will remember that recovery is a journey that I don't have to take alone. I will trust other ACAs who are also seeking the truth to help me.
"At this juncture, the adult child usually isolates or becomes involved in busy work to avoid asking for help." BRB p. 66
We took care of everyone else for years, learning to be as invisible as possible, both physically and emotionally. Our worth was not based on who we were, but on what we could accomplish or do for others. We became so used to the struggle, that we created it when it wasn't already there. Living in a hurricane of activity was normal for us. We started to avoid quiet because that's when we heard the painful voices, those that cried from deep within and said, "You are not good enough."
As we learn to live in a different reality, we begin to recognize our self-worth. We see that our very existence is a gift from our Higher Power. We learn to reach out to our fellow travelers for help and feel love and acceptance. We allow others to take care of themselves, and we choose those who can do so to be our companions.
We become willing to own all of our feelings, not just the happiness or joy we are feeling, but also the anger and even rage when they come up. We recognize them as gifts that can lift us out of sandpits of grief and shame. We are careful not to harm others with these "gifts," but instead use them as a gateway for healing our woundedness.
On this day I will no longer do other people's work. I will feel the freedom of being responsible for myself, recognizing when I need guidance.
"Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings." BRB p. 217
As we begin to find peace in ACA, we listen for when the wheels get squeaky and learn to seek appropriate help, knowing that we don't have to do this alone. We see our Higher Power everywhere we go, especially in the people around us in our meetings.
We are no longer fearful. Our shortcomings are being removed and they no longer define us. We are not a collection of wrongs. We realize that recovery is a process - that there is no race to the finish line.
But we don't take the slow route either. We have sobered up to the grim reality of the effects of dysfunction in our families and have decided we are out of their game. It no longer pays any dividends. We have been on that other side for so long and we simply don't want to be there anymore. The way we related to the world no longer works.
We see the results of our efforts in recovery, and we like ourselves better as we allow the process to work within us. We begin to attract healthier people, leaving behind the dysfunctional relationships that show no promise. There is nothing better than this new feeling as we move into the future. We are walking out of the fog of dysfunction towards who we truly are.
On this day I will continue on this journey to work with my Higher Power to remove my shortcomings. I choose to be healthy.
"Through the first 18 years of our lives, our families had 6,570 days to shame, belittle, ignore, criticize, or manipulate us during the formative years of our being." BRB p. 105
How could we have turned out any other way? We grew up in dysfunction, and it's not our fault we were affected by it. We were just children. All we knew of the world was what we were shown by our parents - the people we were hardwired to trust and emulate. It's not our fault we didn't find a way to stop the abuse. We learned the language of abuse, just as we learned to speak our native tongue - it was automatic.
We're not whining, over-thinking it, or making mountains out of molehills. Our Laundry List Traits are a legitimate reaction to long-term trauma.
The good news is that something magical happens when we accept we are powerless over our childhood trauma and its effect on us. It doesn't mean we give up and let it have power over us. The opposite happens. It loses power over us. We begin to have a choice about how we respond when the dysfunction manifests itself in our adult lives. It's like admitting there's a leak in the roof, and now we can put a bucket on the floor, change out of our wet clothes, and fix the roof. And we can do it without guilt because the leak was already there before we came along.
On this day I embrace the freedom that comes from accepting there is nothing I could have done to prevent the dysfunction I grew up in and the effect it has had on me.