Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"Recovery is not about perfection. It is in the becoming that we experience the promises of recovery." BRB p. xxiv
Some of us thought we had to figure out how to work the ACA program perfectly. We grew up in homes where that was the norm, and we expected nothing less of ourselves. We attended meetings and just "knew" everything would suddenly fall into place because we showed up and did the homework. However, in the rote process we followed, we missed the vital step of discovering and nurturing our Inner Child.
We didn't make room for our feelings and for the process that helps us uncover who we are truly meant to be. As a result, when we finally experienced a different bottom, one we didn't expect, we found our Higher Power waiting for us to reach out.
Now we accept that we are a work in progress, letting ourselves be where we are. We don't know all the answers and discover that we might not find them soon. We are learning to let go of perfection, and that's a hard nut to crack. We live with unsolved problems because it's part of being human. This is part of the freedom we are discovering. The promises of recovery are now being fulfilled.
On this day I let go of my own ideas of what recovery should look like and open my heart to what it is - a series of unfolding experiences that I welcome with gratitude.
"We realize that life today really is different than when we were children without a voice." BRB p. 73
The authority figures we grew up with were scary. They got angry when anyone questioned or challenged them. There didn't seem to be any logic to it, so we did what we could to avoid having the anger directed at us.
As adults, we often felt our bosses' behavior resembled that of our parents. The potential authority they wielded made us feel like that little kid again. We avoided asking for help because we expected to be belittled. From our experience and that of our friends, that was a very real fear because, like our parents, many bosses are good at pouncing on the weak. So, rather than risk confrontation, and because we became adept at figuring things out for ourselves as children, we decided that was the way to survive at work. It was exhausting.
We realized early in recovery that we wanted and needed to find our voice. But the stakes seemed too high to experiment at work. So we role-played situations with our fellow travelers. We practiced what we could say, or what we might have said. We gradually started to gain self-confidence. And when the time was right, we spoke up. The elation we felt when it worked was indescribable. We were becoming who we knew we could be. We were making a difference - to ourselves!
On this day I will practice finding my voice with someone in the program I trust so when the time comes, I'll be ready to speak up for myself.
"Meanwhile, those who are spiritually awake accept Twelve Step work with an attitude of service rather than sacrifice. By the time we reach this Step, we know the difference between being a rescuer and giving service with love." BRB p. 289
Placing the Solution and Problem on the walls does not a meeting make. Reading the opening script and closing down the meeting doesn't make a meeting either. What makes the meeting is the spirit with which these tasks are done. Giving service from a space of love in ACA is a spiritually-enhancing experience for all involved. By the time we have been in ACA for awhile, after having taken the Steps and being graced with a spiritual awakening, our ability to do service from love has also been established.
We know the difference between control and service. We know of tolerance and boundaries. We know how to be thoughtful, realizing we are only seeking to follow the group's conscience in furtherance of our primary purpose - to carry the message to the suffering adult child who is seeking recovery.
Adult children are attracted to spiritually-awakened ACAs and groups, and wish to help keep the doors open. We realize that were it not for the meeting, we might have little hope of recovering, and we trust each other since our service comes with no strings attached.
On this day I will give service to the ACA fellowship from love, realizing that I am supporting my own progress when I help make another member's progress possible.
"We find that a difference in identity and purpose distinguishes Adult Children of Alcoholics from other 12-Step Programs and underscores the need for our special focus." BRB p. 81
Our first ACA meeting may have seemed almost overpowering for many of us. From our war-zone childhood homes, we brought with us our hypervigilance, anxiety, and anger. We were on high alert as we scanned the "weirdos" sitting around us.
Some of us entered these rooms after finding that our other Twelve Step programs weren't giving us the emotional sobriety we needed. Some of us came after chance encounters with people who saw how troubled we were and asked us if we'd grown up in an alcoholic home, or with some other severe dysfunction. It may have felt embarrassing to be so easily diagnosed, but knowing there was a place where we might be heard felt hopeful.
In spite of our anxiety at our first meeting, we were hooked. We heard laughter and secrets from others that convinced us we weren't unique or insane, only sick from overexposure to parental addiction.
As we kept coming back, we found a sponsor and other fellow travelers we trusted who helped us through our Step work. We learned how shame and guilt had controlled our adult lives, and how we were conditioned to take responsibility for other people's problems. We were now on a unique journey to reparent ourselves.
On this day I will appreciate who I am, knowing that going to ACA and practicing its principles can take me home - not again, but for the first time.
"We don't release some things to a Higher Power and hold onto others." BRB p. 142
The Steps and Traditions mention Higher Power and prayer for a reason. They are part of learning to rely on someone or something else instead of continuing the compulsive self-reliance many of us learned in childhood.
Our belief system is a personal choice. How we pray or whom we pray to is part of that personal choice. It's even up to us to determine what prayer is.
In meetings, we hear many examples of the power of prayer. We learn that it is communication that can bring answers when we are fearful, confused, or need help making decisions. Prayer and meditation can calm us so we can feel a conscious contact with our Higher Power.
When we let go of problems, the Steps show us how to care for ourselves and recover from the effects of our childhoods. But if we pick and choose what we let go of, we hold on to things that can continue to drag us down.
Connecting to a Higher Power helps us know we are not alone and defenseless. Turning our problems over helps us release the burdens we have been carrying around. We now have faith and trust in something greater than ourselves.
On this day I choose to make prayer part of my daily ritual. I see how it can benefit me to turn all of my problems over to a Higher Power and ask for a new direction to be revealed.
"My sister and I don't communicate any longer since she doesn't understand who I am." BRB p. 407
We used to make excuses for people when we said things like, "Oh, they don't know any better." There may be a lot of truth in that statement, but it feels like we were saying, "They just didn't see me when they ran me over, so it's okay." Just because someone is a family member doesn't mean we should accept the unacceptable, including subtle things like them not really hearing us, or less subtle things like having them label us as over-reactive.
Through ACA, we can now tell whether we're being heard or not. We realize that others don't have to agree with us, but they may not disrespect us. We recognize our needs and start to speak up for ourselves. We are learning to live a healthy emotional life, no longer wishing to be around denial and shame. We let go of those who can't journey onwards with us because we cannot carry them while we are climbing to the heights we need to keep our heads above water. We may reconnect with them later, but that will be our choice.
Before recovery, we may have spent all our energy on our families because we thought that was what we were supposed to do. Now we give our "gifts" to those who can appreciate and actually understand them.
On this day I choose to spend my time and energy on those who wish to make this journey with me. I deserve to be heard and loved for who I am.
"We learned to keep our thoughts and desires close to our hearts." BRB p. 431
As we grew up, it was not safe to share any part of us. When we risked being vulnerable and letting people know what we wanted, we were shamed and ridiculed, made to feel stupid for having needs at all, let alone dreams. Our struggles may have been as basic as having to keep our own clothes clean or finding food to eat. We put all our energy into surviving. By the time we were done, we had no energy to claim our birthright, the ability to dream.
Today, we nurture ourselves by deciding what we want the universe to send us, because we're open to the possibility that we can have those things. We allow ourselves to swim around in the scent of promise. We deserve it. We realize that wanting something is not bad; it's a healthy part of being human. We allow our minds and hearts to wander because this is how we learn what we want and need. We no longer stifle ourselves with negative images and thoughts. When we are blocked, we talk about it with our sponsor or share in meetings. We don't keep it to ourselves and allow our souls to wither with isolation. We now put our needs first and are not waiting for anyone to rescue us.
On this day I will show up for myself by allowing myself to think of what I want and not just what I need to survive and thrive.
"This sharing of our story with our sponsor or informed counselor reveals destructive patterns in our adult lives while illuminating abuses from our childhood. We also begin to see our grief or stored loss lying beneath our decisions to wrong ourselves and others." BRB p. 110
Some of our shares with our fellow travelers are about the deeper, self-destructive patterns we have been acting out. We may have assumed that we were helpless to change these patterns. Hope seemed to have vanished from our lives.
ACA restores the hope that we can change. The program teaches us that our destructive patterns are learned in childhood and continue to affect us as adults. The knowledge that we, ourselves, aren't self-destructive gives us hope to change what we thought was an unchangeable aspect of ourselves.
It slowly becomes clear to us that unexpressed grief is at the root of all the decisions and actions that resulted in hurting ourselves and others. Finally, relief from these habits can be seen as we raise our sights and see Step Two as giving us the hope we thought was forever lost.
On this day I will share with my fellow travelers my deeper self-destructive patterns in order to help release them. I will express the grief and loss that underpin these habits as I look to Step Two with a renewed sense of hope.
"We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults." BRB p. 14
The tendency of most of us is to own every problem around us. We are the fixers. It doesn't matter whether or not we were asked to help - we will give everyone's problem our full attention.
It's not difficult to assess where this tendency came from. Being responsible for the chaos in our family of origin was repeatedly put onto our small shoulders as children. We were placed in the middle of adult dysfunction at a very young age. We learned it was our job to focus on others and make things better. We also learned that our needs and wants were not important. It became a habit we carried into adulthood that also kept us from looking at ourselves.
In ACA, for perhaps the first time, we are asked to focus on ourselves and own our own part in our dysfunctional lives. We acknowledge our character defects. As we do so, we are gently guided through the process of reparenting ourselves with love and kindness.
We learn that our needs are important. Our feelings are worthy of attention. The strong pull to fix others lessens. It was never our job in the first place. We start to get used to this new freedom.
On this day I know that if I did not create the problem I am not responsible for the solution. I focus on myself.
"Pushing down and holding back the history of a lifetime of injury and hurt from consciousness is painful, not metaphorically or psychically painful, but physically agonizing. It's a matter of blood, tissue, nerves and bone." BRB p. 623
Our bodies ached. We woke in the night. We sat there sweating, our pulses racing. We saw dark figures coming to get us, only to realize we were safe. During the course of our day, when people hugged us or shook our hands, we could tell they felt more relaxed than we did. When we tried to touch our toes or perform other physical tasks, we struggled. We often got sick because we carried the trauma in our bodies.
Slowly we come to realize that we need more to recover than just talk. We need to find ways to relax our physical selves as well. We need to unknot ourselves, physically as well as emotionally, mentally and spiritually. We gradually, patiently find ways to accomplish this by trying new things until we learn what works for us. We embrace this process on our path to a better, healthier life. We seek outside help when we need it, and share our progress in the safe haven of ACA.
On this day I give attention to my physical health. I will make a doctor's appointment if I need to. I will also explore different ways to release trauma from my body, trusting that I will find what works for me, one day at a time.
"ACA is for people who can make the connection between childhood neglect and an adult life of fear and loneliness." BRB p. 33
Living in fear can be addictive. Healthier people can feel fear about things occasionally, but they deal with it constructively. But many of us can be driven by fear in everything we do. We grew up in uncertain conditions that caused feelings of intense fear while we waited for the next blow up, for the next piling on of emotional pressure and stress, or even for the next silent treatment that left us wondering if we even mattered. Our childhood fear was real. So how could we not become fear-based adults? We were left with a sense of loneliness, of feeling that we might never escape.
But ACA came to our rescue! It may sound simplistic, but this is where we are rescued - not by someone else, but by our own willingness to seek change. We learn that we can release the grip that fear has on our lives. We leave the sense of loneliness and isolation behind. We know we have choices; we're no longer a captive audience.
We examine our reality and understand that most things we fear can't hurt us unless we let them. Our fixation on these things is what does the real damage. As we experience recovery, we learn to replace fear with love and compassion for ourselves.
On this day I will ask other ACAs and my Higher Power to help place my fears in their proper light. I have compassion for myself as I do this work.
"Self-forgiveness is an elusive concept for adult children. We ask that the adult child keep an open mind and consider that God has already forgiven the person." BRB p. 113
Forgiving others was tough enough, but for some of us, forgiving ourselves seemed a monumental task. We carried the shame and guilt passed down from generation to generation, from one hurt person to the next in a chain for maybe hundreds of years. We may have found that we needed to act compulsively to stay numb to the pain: maybe we chose drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, approval, cutting, video games, power, rules, or spending. We lived in fear because deep down we thought we were unlovable.
In ACA, we learn that we can have a relationship with a healing Higher Power that we can define in any way we want. If our families were abusive and perfectionistic, we no longer bow down to them. We reject the feelings of despair and hopelessness because they no longer belong to us.
As we begin to forgive ourselves for real or imagined wrongs, we become ready to reparent our Inner Child. In doing so, we make room for a new outlook, one that allows us to believe that part of us is already whole and sane, already with our Higher Power, and already forgiven. As we continue to heal, we will come to understand that we were forgiven all along.
On this day I will hold my head high and act as if I am forgiven, even if I don't yet fully believe it.
"Each of us must make a sincere effort to make progress in the program whether working on one or many compulsions or addictions." BRB p. 51
Many of us have the tendency to make things a lot more complicated than they need to be. But we've all heard the slogan, "Keep It Simple." If we keep telling ourselves that recovery is too complicated, we may be giving ourselves a good reason not to work very hard at it or make much forward movement. Sadly, that means we could sit in the rooms of recovery waiting for a miracle to happen for decades. And if nothing changes, nothing changes.
But recovery is not measured by time spent in the program, but how we work and live the program. Our Higher Power is not going to do the recovery work for us. The choice is simple - either occupy a seat in the meetings and keep the same dysfunction in our life, or step out of our comfort zone and try the path that has been proven effective by so many others.
ACA sponsors and fellow travelers are available to help us along our path. We couldn't do it alone before we came to ACA, and we can't do it alone now. If we've just been floating along, it's time to swallow our pride and make some forward movement.
On this day I rededicate my efforts to use the tools of recovery. I will pick up the phone and the BRB and learn something new about myself.
"In ACA we carry the awakening of the spirit down to the deepest level where the Inner Child is paralyzed by fear." BRB p. 360
When we attended our first ACA meeting, the Twelve Step language may have intimidated us. What the heck were these people talking about? Was this part of some cult? Was it safe to keep coming here? Could these people really be happy, even with all their problems?
As we kept coming back, we learned to explore recovery slowly and start to become an inner loving parent to those wounded parts of ourselves that hurt for longer than long. We found the pain and the shame that was deep within us. But we also found that beneath those things lay a wellspring of life, the energy to carry us through anything and everything. We discovered a path inside ourselves, a path that could lead us home should we have the courage to follow it. We no longer had to do it alone.
On this day I have faith that by consoling my Inner Child, I also get closer to my Higher Power.
"When carrying the ACA message, we stick to our story and to the principles of recovery. We don't proselytize, bully, evangelize, or manipulate the person we are attempting to help." BRB p. 516
The focus of a single purpose guarantees that we are never going to be distracted by other tempting glittery objects. We do one thing only - we carry the message to the adult child who still suffers.
We may be tempted to run into our communities and raise an ACA banner proclaiming the virtues of the program and the obvious need for the 12 Steps to address many social ills. We know there are more people who need the program than those who truly want it.
However, Tradition Five does not require us to "convince" anyone. Experience has shown that if a person lacks the willingness to change, they are unlikely to receive the ACA message well.
So we carry the message to those adult children who still suffer and we move forward, living the principles of the program. We do what we can to ensure the meetings are available to all who want them. And we learn to let go of those who don't respond to the message.
We humbly realize that each person has a Higher Power available to them, which is the only thing that can help them find the willingness to hear the message.
On this day I will carry the message in a manner that follows Tradition Five. I will remember, above all, that I carry the message in my daily life through my own recovery.