Ellocin

i took an ativan and it's helped me chill out a bit.  i'm a wreck tonight.  Sorry for my entries lately.  They are just small representations of the crap that goes on in my head.  I see my...

if i'm gonna die why can't i just hurry up and die already...instead of going through all this...i'm so furstrated and annoyed and upset...and mom and i just got in another fight...can't seem to get...

Lovely, just lovely.  Saw the rheumatologist and when she looked at my blood work said my immune system is about the same right now as someone on chemo.  She also said I need to stop the loxapine...

Didn't really want to get up today but see rheumatologist today so figured I better.  I'm so sleepy.  Didn't sleep well.  Went to bed at a decent time but I think the half coffee (half decaf) that...

i just know i'm gonna end up dead and i'm so scared...i can't handle this shit anymore I kept it under control all day because i had to go out and be around people but i coudln't handle it any...

For feeling crappy and like death I'm feeling surprisingly calm.  Listening to my little friends, the mice, in the wall.  They are rather entertaining...at least I know I'm not all alone in my...

Am I dying?  I really don't know.  Things are just so odd today.  I'm super dizzy...and confused but semi functioning.  I really think something is off...but I don't know.  I'm too scared to...

It's 7:30am and I haven't slept yet.  Too much sleep yesterday I guess...stupid pills.  Thinking I will soon have to have some breakfast and take the plaquenil.  I'd rather not be on meds but...

I'm so scared right now. I don't know if I can handle this.

I'm feeling miserable.  I shouldn't complain though since I deserve every bit of misery that comes my way right now.  Just feeling trapped, and kinda hopeless.  LIke I'll never be able to pull...

Awake again.  It's 10:20pm.  Been awake for awhile, just sort of not really coherant.  Mostly just been pigging out on the mountain of junk I bought yesterday.  Finished off a bunch of gummy...

Not feeling particularly good at the moment.  I took another od last night.  Nothing major, never went to hospital or anything.  But slept quite a bit.  Trying to force myself awake now.  It's...

Didn't really do much of anything...should be asleep right now, but ya know I never am.  It's a little after 3am so will have to try soon to sleep. I got out for a little bit earlier in the...

Somethings not right.  I have odd feeling in the left side of my head/eye....it's not quite a headache but it's uncomfortable.  I thought for awhile my eye was swollen but after taking a good look...

Well, after being tired all day I ended up eating chocolate....and go figure...it woke me up.  Hmmm...I should know better then to eat chocolate at night because it's 3am and I'm still awake.   I...