Lovely, just lovely.  Saw the rheumatologist and when she looked at my blood work said my immune system is about the same right now as someone on chemo.  She also said I need to stop the loxapine completely because that medication is known to cause problems with white blood cells.  It's basically the last medication available to me that my psychiatrist will prescribe for sleep....so basically now I'm screwed.  Nothing else works...and when my sleep is off I end up doing stupid things and have harder time with the impulses....so I'm screwed with it and I'm screwed without it.  She kept saying you can die, you can die....and I'm thinking well without it and with screwy sleep and impulses I could die too....so basically yeah...I'm gonna die.  What am I suppose to do.