Codependents working their recovery Community Group
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
Working on recovery
Here are some dailies from ACA.
Anyone can have these sent out
to their emails.
https://adultchildren.org/newsletter/
"True humility is the willingness to seek and do God's will with our best effort." BRB p. 223
In ACA, we move from wanting and being willing to actually finding the passion that begins our journey into recovery. We look for that passion because without it we merely talk recovery, we do not live it.
We look past our desire to heal ourselves and we develop the humility needed to seek our Higher Power's will for us. With that humility, we surrender ourselves to the spiritual seed that's blossoming inside of us. We move toward that essence, and the closer we get, the more in touch we are with our own spiritual being. We begin to live in the present.
And in that now, we see the world differently. We notice the spiritual essence in others and the beauty around us. We begin to feel the peace. We begin to shed our past, including the person we thought we were, and we are at peace with the stillness. Further down the path, we realize that the stillness is our Higher Power working inside us.
On this day I seek the humility needed to accept my Higher Power's will, knowing that it is the basis for my journey to recovery. The miracle of ACA has begun.
BALANCE
"We can connect with a power greater than ourselves and find balance." BRB p. 306
As we practice our recovery program, we come to know "balance." We start to learn what we can or can't handle, when to rest and when we can move ahead. As we search for a pace that works best for us, our ups and downs are no longer so wild and out-of-control. "Easy Does It" is now our recovery mantra.
If we get impatient at times, we recognize that it may take time for us to be ready to make certain changes. We learn acceptance.
Although it's important to keep challenging ourselves, we cannot force ourselves to recover faster. Some issues are deeper than others. We look to a power greater than ourselves to find the patience to accept however long it takes to get there. Whether we are slower or faster, it is our reality, and that can change over time. If the nervous person next to us seems to want to race to the finish line, we affirm our resolve to move at a healthy pace.
On this day I practice gentleness and acceptance as a way of finding a balanced recovery. I acknowledge that the pace at which I recover is what's right for me at this moment.
"In some cases the stored hurt creates a dissociative effect in the adult. The adult child has dissociated from his or her body." BRB p. 17
As children we learned to go outside of ourselves to relieve the pain of whatever was happening in the moment. Being the object of our parents' vicious verbal and/or physical attacks hurt terribly, but many of us also experienced abuse at the hands of family "friends" and siblings that continued for years. We learned to be "somewhere else" when that happened. We were afraid to say anything because we feared the abandonment of whatever tenuous relationships we had.
As a result, many of us became adults who feared authority. If we were afraid of our father, we may have become fearful of men. If our mother was the perpetrator, we were fearful of women. In spite of this, we wanted these people to love us. When they were unhappy with us, we became helpless children, unable to verbalize our side of the story. We lost our autonomy.
Today we recognize our patterns. We know what's happening when it happens. We have a choice not to use our childhood survival skills. Instead, ACA affirms for us that we are adults and our feelings matter. We do not need approval from others. We own who we are. We can ask for what we really want, instead of seeking approval and being people-pleasers.
On this day I will listen carefully to my heart. I will speak up and voice my feelings, knowing that no abandonment is more painful than when I abandon my True Self.
"By moving beyond survival, we realize that lost dreams or wishes can reemerge." BRB p. 429
We ask our Higher Power to help us realize our true potential by discovering our True Selves - the ones we were meant to be. We live in the moment, finding both the strength to be gentle with ourselves and the insight to recognize when we are being critical of ourselves or others.
ACA's Solution tells us we can restage our childhood by being our own loving parent. What a healthy sounding way to change the effects of growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional home. These beautiful words fill us with hope that there is indeed a way to reparent ourselves out of the shame, fear and emotional pain ingrained in our being.
As we put these words into action, we learn to be gentle with ourselves, alleviating much of our self-imposed stress. We touch base with and nurture our Inner Child, finding that this is time well spent. We come to understand that we cannot truly love others until we can love ourselves. This becomes a recovery goal that we practice daily. We give ourselves gentle positive affirmations. We know the seed of love was planted in our souls by our Higher Power, and our True Selves will allow that love to grow and flourish.
On this day I will connect with my Inner Child to recapture a positive memory or dream, and live it as an adult. However small this dream or memory seems, I recognize its impact on making me a new person.
"The first step in reparenting ourselves involves recognizing the loving voice inside." BRB p. 298
Growing up in a dysfunctional family was chaotic. We walked on egg shells, waited for the other shoe to drop, or held our breath and waited for the war to start. In the morning - after a brutal night - everybody pretended like nothing had happened.
When we first came to ACA, many of us were angry, defensive and at the end of our rope. We were either in the middle of chaos or in deep isolation. We knew full well what it felt like to be on this emotional roller coaster of life: one minute up, the next minute down.
What we learn in this program is that showing up and doing the work is critical. As we learn the value of surrender, acceptance, love and forgiveness, we begin to build a strong foundation for a better way of life. We learn to reparent ourselves, which means we become our own loving parent who provides our Inner Child with what we didn't receive from our families. It's like starting fresh, almost like being reborn.
On this day I am grateful for what ACA has taught me about the value of my choices and how to reparent myself. Each day I start fresh and give my Inner Child only positive messages.
"We begin to see that we can bring our True Selves to a relationship. We have something to offer that is different than unhealthy dependence. This is what ACA recovery looks like." BRB p. 265
Discovering our True Selves - what a journey! When we look back at our first ACA meeting, we thank our Higher Power for getting us here. Maybe we hoped for a quick fix to stop the insanity and to have a better life, or a miracle answer about how to fix other people. But that's not exactly how things turned out.
As we keep coming back, we find that working the Steps is not always easy, nor is it pretty. But the key to freedom is courage, vulnerability, and the willingness to shed our tears while we follow this quest. We work with a sponsor or fellow traveler who has walked this walk before. We discover our ineffective behavior patterns and become willing to change. We don't get stuck on blaming our parents and the generations before them.
Slowly, the ACA Promises come true. As we work our program, we develop those characteristics and learn to breathe and love life. We play again. We become healthier and have healthier relationships with ourselves, our families, our friends and community. We become sponsors and help others through the swamps, gently and tenderly, the way we were shown. With the help of our Higher Power, we discover we had the "ruby slippers" all along!
On this day I continue to do the work that helps me discover more aspects of my healthy True Self.
"Spiritually awake adult children understand the spiritual axiom which states: ‘We must give away what we have to keep it.' This is one of the most selfless acts of love we can offer a confused world; however, we must love ourselves first to have something to give away." BRB p. 288
We who felt terribly lost and hopelessly confused, or bitterly angry and very sad for most of our lives experience a deep and lasting peace of mind from working the ACA program. Using the Steps, reparenting ourselves, and achieving a spiritual awakening feel so good. We are full of joy and want to share the wealth!
Our daily lives feature endless ways to share our True Selves with our families, co-workers and neighbors: everyone can potentially enjoy our recovery. Perhaps newcomers to our meetings benefit most from our spiritual awakening. They hear our emotional sobriety and sense our joy. Many come to meetings from a dark place and may be somewhat bewildered by the terminology and frank talk about deeply-held family secrets. They may never have heard anyone talk openly about these subjects and offer a Solution.
We are a very special group of folks whose experience, strength, and hope can light the way for others if we keep coming back and sharing that light. By remembering the slogan "First Things First," we transmit our recovery through a personal act of service - loving our True Selves.
On this day I will recall my early days in ACA and the wonderful gifts I have received: clarity and freedom. I will share my love for my True Self so that others may know hope.
"To get help, I would manipulate my co-workers by playing a role, such as being overly nice, being the victim, or volunteering to do something for them." BRB p. 420
We pandered to others at work, just as we had in our abusive families. Sometimes we didn't even know we were doing it until it was too late, and then we had to live with the consequences of having given away our power. This was a familiar scenario. We were re-creating our childhoods.
As we find our voice in ACA, we are no longer satisfied to play the same roles we've been used to. Even though we are sometimes afraid of what comes next, we are learning to walk into the unknown, one day at a time. Whether or not our path is the same as others in our meetings, we are united in our common bond - our desire to heal with the help of the 12 Steps. They give us a structure for living that we never had before.
We begin to carry the Steps and the program with us to work where people can find themselves in meetings without even knowing it. We are setting boundaries and approach situations calmly and directly. As we uncover triggers that can still be activated, we work with our fellow travelers to discover their roots so that we no longer act out. We teach others how to treat us in a far different way than we have before.
On this day I choose to be my True Self with everyone I come in contact with.
"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." BRB p. 207
We may have balked at the words "character defects." Wouldn't a more appropriate term be "character defenses?" Didn't they get us through an unlivable situation? Wasn't the destruction we experienced part and parcel of surviving a hostile environment?
But whether we call them defects or defenses, when we get to ACA we finally realize they don't work in our lives anymore, that we are ready to put them down. We begin to ask our Higher Power to remove these things as we are ready to give them up. The process becomes intuitive as we continue to work the Steps, become sponsors, and see the positive effects the program has on ourselves and others.
We shed our coping mechanisms as we see them for what they really are. We can't believe we haven't seen them before, but now we know and won't go back. This new way of life is based on accountability. We cultivate our inner loving parent and show our Inner Child we can be trusted. Just as a healthy parent sets safe boundaries for a child, we set boundaries for ourselves. Our hurt parts no longer run the show. Our Inner Child walks into the love and flourishes.
On this day I become willing to examine and remove the next defect that I'm tired of carrying around.
"Adult children often live a secret life of fear." BRB p. 10
Every day individuals use faith to overcome fear. As polar opposites, fear and faith cannot occupy the same space. Fear involves a tightening of the senses whereas faith requires a complete release of them.
The ACA recovery program teaches us to identify and expose our fears to the light of day. We accomplish this with the loving support of others and our Higher Power. We do this in a safe environment where no one judges us for our past, for our fears, or for the ingrained reactions we carry from our childhoods.
Most of us go through life waiting to exhale, waiting to not feel defined by the position we hold, our possessions, or someone else's concept of who we should be. We have given our fear a lot of power to control our reactions. But we are exhausted by all this "work" and want to feel peace and serenity in our lives.
ACA gives us the chance to feel free to be the person we were meant to be, someone who is loved and respected for who we are, not what we do. As we strengthen our belief in our Higher Power, we free ourselves from our fears and stop believing our staunchest critic, our false self. We become our own loving, nurturing parent.
On this day I will be aware of any fear that encroaches on my ability to focus on recovery. With the loving support of my fellow ACAs and my Higher Power I will release that fear and feel at peace.
"Shame blinds us to the fact that love is inside each of us waiting to be discovered." BRB p. 168
We are often broken when we come to ACA. Through denial, we don't even know what we don't know. It takes time to realize how badly bruised (emotionally and sometimes physically) we were as kids. Shame ruined our sense of self. We had a self when we were born, but it was chipped away day after day until we seemed to be in shreds. There was little left but the reflection of our parents' hateful and frightening words and actions.
Some of us may have felt confused when we started recovery as we were told to reach inside for our selfworth. We didn't know that we had any and we doubted ourselves at every turn. Even though we felt hopeless, we hung onto the words we heard in the meetings. We saw others recovering and it felt hopeful. It helped to read the literature on a daily basis, and eventually we felt a shift happening.
We continued our Step work, going to meetings, relying on a Higher Power and reaching our Inner Child. We began to truly see our value. No longer defined by the shaming voices of the past, we had a new image of ourselves - a true image of the valuable person we always were.
On this day I look at myself through the eyes of recovery, not through the eyes of my caretakers from childhood. I see the love inside me that continues to grow.
"We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others." BRB p. 15
As children, many of us felt we were always wrong. Our parents/caretakers were quick to point out our mistakes, and seldom if ever pointed out what we did right.
As adults, we approach many problems, still with the assumption we are wrong. With that comes the assumption that others must be right. When asked our opinion, we often vacillate, attempting to read the face of the person we're speaking to so we can decide which response matches their opinion. Sound exhausting? It is!
In ACA, we learn about boundaries, that they need to be both communicated and upheld. So we start setting boundaries. But then comes the hard part: enforcing them. When we try to do so, we may immediately feel guilty, start second-guessing ourselves, and fear the other person will now think less of us. That guilt can undermine our recovery.
But with the help of our Higher Power and our fellow travelers, we learn to get past those feelings and stand up for ourselves. It's a process with some trial and error, but as we experience success, we start to feel empowered to be the person we were always meant to be.
On this day I know any guilt I feel for not giving in to others will pass, and my recovery will be strengthened by my ability to value myself.
"Humility comes from God and is a sibling of anonymity, a foundational principle of the Twelve Steps and the Twelve Traditions. Through anonymity, we practice service with love." BRB p. 223
In our families, humility and humiliation often got confused and led us to either become very passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive. In working the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, we are given a different definition of humility. In ACA, humility is about being the one we were supposed to be before our families infected us with their dysfunction and before we recycled that dysfunction in our own lives. It is about being our True Selves.
Anonymity is naturally confused with our alcoholic/ dysfunctional family's desire to keep secrets. The difference is that in ACA, we don't share what others say or tell who was at our meetings as a way of giving security to each other. Knowing this allows us to feel safe to share our own story. When we are tempted to judge, ridicule, or speak of someone else, we are reminded that through the practice of protecting the anonymity and confidences of our fellow ACAs, we now have a higher purpose, a healthy limit that gives life rather than diminishes it.
The possibility of performing service in ACA flows powerfully from our understanding of these principles in our lives. The newcomer feels it, the old-timer appreciates it, and our Higher Power loves it.
On this day, love for my fellow ACAs, humility, and anonymity will provide me with a positive motivation for the service I may choose to give to ACA.
"We will enjoy feeling stable, peaceful, and financially secure." BRB p. 591
Chaotic, unsettled, and on the verge of financial ruin. For many of us these were the undercurrents flowing through our families. The river of alcoholism or dysfunction coursed its way through every aspect of our lives, leaving indelible imprints on our makeup. We came to ACA to learn how we had experienced this as children, and how as adults we unconsciously and regrettably had recreated the same conditions, only to feel helpless and bewildered by our current circumstances.
With our Higher Power's guidance, we have been given a program that helps us first understand, then experience the hidden circumstances that set us up to seek out these alcoholic and dysfunctional conditions. Like a dredge boat, the Steps and reparenting allow us to dig out the river bed, change the river's course, and reduce the rapids to a sleepy river, naturally guiding us to soft sandy shores of stability, peacefulness, and financial security.
Though there may still be occasional choppy waters, we realize that the program is like a huge unbreakable inner tube that allows us to ride out most of the daily challenges, so long as we are willing to trust, hold onto, and apply the spiritual principles we have learned and practiced.
On this day I will allow the full remembrance of my childhood conditions, use the program to reset my course, and enjoy feeling stability, peace, and financial security.
"There is no Healing Without Feeling" BRB p. 52
For so many of us, we learned to feel helpless and even hopeless, like giving up was the only intelligent way to endure our childhoods. This hopelessness is part of what feeds the depression we experience as adults. It may seem paradoxical, but in ACA we learn that we need to experience our grief in order to alleviate our depression. It may only be through first-hand experience that we can understand how this works.
There is a difference between the stagnant quality of hopeless ness and the flowing quality of grief work. The former seems like a permanent state. It drags us down and makes us feel like there's no way out. The latter seems more like a temporary phase on the way to acceptance, integration, and peace. One never seems to say goodbye, while the other is about the courage to say goodbye to the losses we've sustained and all the things we cannot change.
The thought of doing grief work, of feeling the pain of our past, may seem daunting, but in ACA we come to know that this is the balm that heals our ruptured souls.
On this day I have the courage to grieve my past in order to say hello to the present and the future.
"Recovery from the effects of an alcoholic and dysfunctional upbringing is a process, not an event." BRB p. 124
"Read my book and you can change your life overnight!" "Come to my seminar and I'll give you everything you need!" We hear things like this all the time. And many of us have bought those books and attended those seminars because we were looking for the quick fix, one that would cause us to suddenly change our dysfunctional lives into what we always thought they should be. Maybe we also heard people say that if we wanted something badly enough, we could make it happen. But we often missed the part about how things worth having take work.
When we came to ACA, maybe we thought it could be our quick fix. We might have seen the 12 Steps as a ‘once and done' program of recovery where we'd suddenly be cured.
But as we open our minds and embrace the Promises, we begin to really examine our lives. We need to understand where our dysfunctional behaviors came from. And knowing how long it took us to develop them helps us realize that it will probably take some time for us to change those behaviors. We begin to really internalize the fact that recovery is a process. And the ACA process of recovery works if we work it!
On this day I will look for ways that help me make even small changes. I am willing to give my recovery the time it deserves because I'm worth it!