GREAT stuff here. After I get the news, I will put these things to work. I will also post up what helped me when I know it.

i have to add something

if you dont have plans on weekends..do your every loving best not to have to go out on fridays or saturdays around 5 - 7.

you dont want to see ppl washing cars or rushing home from work to see their dates/wives ect. while i was hurting i avoided going out at that of day/evening on the weekends

Don't jump into a new relationship right away. Give yourself time to grieve the broken relationship and heal.

It's a good idea to wait until your divorce is final before you date. Sometimes dating can complicate a divorce.

what an invaluable list of heart healing suggestions, i am so grateful to read all of this.

i always believe in the power of a girl's night out.

tho i am too far away from all my girl friends, maybe that is why i am not healing...

I sit and read and read the threads, some I answer, I go to other support sites, here on DS and also read and read. I have learned.

One of the hardest things to do in life is to let go of a relationship. No matter what the cause of a breakup, learning to let go just often isn't easy to do. It could be the one that got away, a first love, a spouse, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or unrequited love. Regardless of the situation, learning to let go of what's over is often a very difficult thing to do and the hurt can often last for years if a person simply won't break the hold.

Recovering from the horrible pain and hurt of a broken relationship is no easy task. When love is found, one naturally wants to believe it will last forever. And it's great when it does. But when it doesn't, the hurt and pain can be devastating. But even more devastating can be the pain and suffering the person experiences from not letting go of what's gone and moving on with living.

Turning off feelings for someone isn't like turning off a light switch. When a relationship ends, it doesn't mean the feelings disappear or go away. Being left alone with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, anger, grief, rejection, and despair can prove to be overwhelming. The person might find themselves attempting to contact the other person, making up reasons to be where the other person is, calling them repeatedly, etc....anything to keep in contact with the other person or have some kind of hold or attachment still with them. And while it's a natural thing to want to do this, it prevents us being healed of the relationship.

In order to let go and live again, the past must be closed. It is impossible to live in the past. You can't look forward to a future when you live in what was, rather than in the here and now. What has happened is gone, and no amount of wanting, wishing, or regret will undo or changed what's already happened and is over with.

To put closure on the past, you have to let go of the feeling that you can't make it without the other person. Feelings of failure, trying to contact the person (unless you have children together), dependency, guilt, resentment, and anger... all of these feelings must be dealt with and brought under control. While they are normal to feel, continuing to harbor them keeps you from being healed of the hurt, and therefore keeps you from living and being happy again.

Often when a relationship ends, one or both parties have the mindset that they are a failure. They measure their self worth by whether a relationship lasted or died. One's self worth should never be measured by another person, but rather how they are. When you love yourself, you will learn that your self worth does not revolve around another person but rather is enhanced by the other person.

While there is just no way to magically heal the pain and hurting of a lost relationship, there are ways to help yourself heal. The main thing is that you have to allow yourself to want to heal, and not keep clinging to something that you simply cannot change.

Stop beating yourself up over the past. It's done, it's gone, it's not changing. No matter who is at fault for the breakup, no amount of blaming yourself or feeling guilty will undo the past. Forgive either the other person or yourself (or both) and allow yourself to be happy again.

Unless you have children together, stop contacting the person. Don't try to be where they are, don't call them and leave them messages, don't email them, don't follow them around. Leave them alone! Continuing to attempt to be in contact with them (unless you have kids) does nothing but harass them and keep you tied to the pain.

Go out on dates with others and actually enjoy yourself. Have fun! And whatever you do, don't spend the date talking about your ex and how much you miss them and want them back. This won't lead to a second date! Go out and be happy, leave the worries behind. You might just find you had a fantastic time.

Allow yourself to heal from the breakup. Allow yourself to enjoy life again, to be happy. Allow yourself to heal from the past hurts and pain. Allow yourself the freedom to love again. Let go of the past, and be happy.

Thank you. A thousand times ...thank you. This was just what I needed to read tonight.

Great idea,
what works for one may not work for another,but the larger the pool of idea's the better chance there is helping everyone here.

Replace negative thoughts with a positive thoughts

Turn a - into +

"...William Eddy may be the only clinician in the United States who is both a clinician and an attorney. ..."

Wish I had this book two years ago.

SPLITTING: Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist

$25.00

by William A. Eddy, foreward by Mike Roe

Item# 0032a
150 pgs., softcover
1-58446-003-2

===================================
If you are getting a divorce or thinking about getting a divorce, you really need this booklet that will take you step by step through the process and save you grief and many thousands of dollars.
*** William Eddy may be the only clinician in the United States who is both a clinician and an attorney. ***
He also specializes just in people with both borderline disorders. The comprehensive information in this booklet, if you had to buy William's time, it could have cost you $50,000. People who have used this booklet say more than anything else, it has helped them stay sane and know what to do during their divorce. ...

REFERENCE: http://bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.php

Reason, Season and Lifetime
People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
..
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
or to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
...
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
...
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
...
When people come into your life for a SEASON,
it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall,
the season eventually ends.
...
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Bumping - great thread!

Focus on what you can do for yourself- clear yourself of any doubts you harbor and start your own business that you will be happy to work at and make lots of money thus not needing someone to help you with the money you want to spend in your life. Focus on YOU! Bumping also!

In my mind I thought, "wow, Paul doesn't post much but this one came out of nowhere and grew like a weed". Then I saw TeaDrinker.

(:X)

Some Terminology for the newcomers From Lynne and others:-)


One of our newer members posted wondering what a few terms meant so let me try to help:

Nabbing - just a little game - on non-serious threads some of us try to get the next round number like 20 or 30. Sometimes, on a thread that veered into six, someone may try for 69 - it's just how we feel.

Trolls - these are people who invade DS and don't really have a serious issue - it's hard to tell for new people but here are some general guidelines:

a) They have recently joined DS
b) no hugs, friends, photos, other groups
c) repetitious posts with the same hardluck story (ie, David yesterday)
d) for women, typically really huge breasts in their picture; guys are usually impossibly handsome
e) you will see some of the longtimers (ALC, Kimmeee, Frank,
Veech, and others) jump on the person

Banning - the person is deleted from DS and can't post anymore

Ignoring - there is a feature on a person's profile that allows you to ignore that person. That means that you will not see that person's posts.

A lurker is someone who is behind the scenes - he/she reads the threads and posts but never or seldom does any.

STBX= Soon to be ex
fucktard - well that one's easy, same as sbtx

OP - I've seen OP stand for "Other Person" when used in the context of a marital affair or "Original Poster" when used in the context of a message board thread.

MIL - Mother in Law
BIL - Brother in Law
SIL- Sister in Law
OW- other woman
OM - other man
PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder

From Kimmeee:

Privacy features.
Go to my account on the left side of the screen below your profile. You will see provisions for changing your privacy and who sees what you post.
You may pick friends only and only friends will see this or you may pick Ds members only. That mean anyone that has a ds membership will be able to view your profile and see your hugs. If you choose everyone, people will be able to google you and see what you have written.
If you use the journal feature you may want to make them friends only.
If you want to chat with anyone, you can do this but you may get many requests from Ghana asking for money. Just end the chat, and report it to us. Report any inappropriate sexual overtones in a PM or chat to us with the member name or to the admins using the abuse link.
You may Set to friends only and this will cut down on who can contact you.

The Community leaders for this group or CL's are
ChiTownBear, Chrurop, and myself. We can answer general questions and we help to limit trolls.

If you receive a Private message or PM that says something to the effect of I saw your profile and I really like what I see, they send you an email to contact them. Please forward that to one of the CL so that we can ban that member.

If you have anyone show abusive behavior toward you in a pm you may use the report abuse button at the bottom of each post and report them to the admins.

If you have general questions about the Rules of the Road or The Terms of Service, that is here.

http://www.dailystrength.org/help/faq