wow... for the first time in over 4 weeks... i feel happy... i feel hope... every single one of these posts have helped me in some way and im so thankful that i found this website... i know it will help me alot on my journey, even though this is just the beginning... i have a lot of work to do on myself, and im glad i have so many ppl that i can turn to :) there is light at the end of the tunnel...

Divorce is not an event; it's a process. Whether it takes three weeks, three months, or three years, nothing will be solved immediately. Take a deep breath and relax as much as you can.

There are steps most people go through in the process of a separation and divorce, similar to the steps in the grieving process after a death: denial, anger, grief, andacceptance. A person in the denial stage can go through the motions of filing paperwork, but will not be "ready" for a divorce until the steps are completed.

Often, partners do not progress through these steps at the same speed or same time. A spouse who has been secretly planning to leave the marriage for some time may have gone through all four stages before the spouse who's left behind becomes aware there's a problem. The process should and can wait until the second spouse works through his or her feelings.

Two issues should be handled expeditiously: 1) You and the children must be safe. 2) You and the children must have a roof over your heads and food on the table. These are survival questions. Once they're provided for, the rest can take as long as you need.

Unless a survival issue is at hand, there's no reason to rush to file a divorce. Often there is no advantage to filing first. Wait until you feel you can handle it, both financially and psychologically.

The longer you have been invested in a marriage, the more thought you should give to working to save it, if that's possible. Marriage counseling, if both parties put their hearts into it, often helps. If there is no hope, either because of misconduct or a lack of love, then you should give some thought to ending the relationship expeditiously. Life isn't a dress rehearsal. You don't have the opportunity to do it again, if you regret being unhappy for ten or 20 years by failing to take action.

You can always "win" a divorce the hard way, cutting and slashing, with a winner-take-all attitude. It will cost you a lot more, both in money and mental health. But will it really be worth it ten years from now? There are some people who can have a "friendly" divorce.

There are some people who can't. If you're one of the former, work through your settlement and go on with your lives.

If you're one of the latter, deal with the abuse or the adultery or the immediate problem as distantly as you can, and try to settle the rest. No one will expect you to be best friends. But you have the ability to take control of whatever issues are not too painful and work through them. Empower yourself.

When you're going through a divorce, everyone will have war stories and advice for you. What you really need to know is that each legal process is different, because the facts of each person's existence are never identical. Just because Joe or Sandy at your shop pays $100 a month in child support or got the house doesn't mean you will. Just because they didn't, doesn't mean you won't.

Laws change; the way people got divorced 20 years ago may be totally irrelevant. Ask a legal professional for the straight story, based on current law in your state.

Some people really get emotionally invested in concern about their partner's new love. You might take some comfort in the fact that rebound relationships hardly ever work.

Be aware that once you involve the court in your life, the rules change. Husbands and wives who may have cheated on their taxes for years find that one may use it in court against the other. Parents who may have smoked marijuana together the whole time they were married may get turned in to the police now that a custody action is pending. Casual babysitting arrangements that were fine when the parties were together come under fire. Think about possible consequences before you act.

Friends and Family

Your friends and family can be the backbone of your support at this time in your life. If you suddenly decide to quit your job and move to a distant city to get away from the whole situation (and the ex), you may be leaving the only support system you have in place.

At the same time, those you care about can do a lot to help or harm your children during the legal process and after. They should never run down the other parent in front of the children. This is still the child's mother or father, due a certain love and respect simply because of that relationship. If that person is a deadbeat, a liar, or an abuser, the child will learn that on his own as the years pass. Let him keep that idealism -- we all lose it soon enough.

Encourage children's relationships with extended family when it's not harmful. Just as you will always be your child's parent, these people will always be your child's grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other relatives. Sometimes when parents are fighting, it's nice for the children to have familiar places they can escape to, with family members to remind them they're loved.

If friends offer to take the children for an evening to give you a break, say yes! There seems to be a SuperMan/ Woman expectation in our culture that encourages single parents to make martyrs of themselves and prove they can do it all. You deserve to take time for yourself -- make it a weekly gift to you.

Often, friends and family members who always disagreed with your choice of partner (but who never said so) will be glad to tell you once you've broken up. Give yourself permission to tell them to butt out when you've heard enough.

At the same time, take advantage of the opportunity to renew closeness with those who may have grown distant because of conflict with your partner. Get past those petty resentments and rejoin the family!

People you know will often encourage you to "get back on the horse" and start dating soon after a breakup. There is no "right" period of time to wait. Some consideration should be given to the legal consequences; ask your attorney if dating will affect any upcoming custody or support matters. If it won't hurt your case, and you feel up to it, go ahead!

But, if you don't feel like dating, speak up and tell people you're not interested. It's your life. Only you know what progress you're making.

If you have a new companion, that person may want to be supportive of you to the point that he/she involves him/herself in the conflict with your soon-to-be ex, particularly in areas of custody and support. While it's commendable for them to want to help, often just the fact of that person's existence is enough to drive the other party mad. Remember that these are your kids. You and the other parent should be the ones discussing any children or money issues. Don't complicate the situation by allowing third parties, however well-intentioned, to interfere in what should be simple negotiations based on what is best for your children.

After It's Over

Take a deep breath. Divorce has probably been one of the most difficult periods of your life, even if it's something you chose. If you have children, you're realizing that you're still tied to their other parent after the divorce, at least until they're 18, and probably on through graduations, weddings, and even grandchildren. (But take heart -- many find after the pressure cooker of the breakup is done, they can become civil again, at least for the sake of their children.) There are final documents to sign, deeds to draw and record, pensions to be collected, houses to be closed up and sold. That life is done.
One door closes behind; another opens ahead. How you spend the rest of your life is up to you. Empower yourself to say "Yes!" to all that awaits, and step through that door. You have survived. Be well. Tread your road gladly, armed with the lessons you've learned. Be good to yourself.

This article has been edited and excerpted from 101 Little Instructions for Surviving yourDivorce by Barbara J. Walton. Practicing in the area of family law since 1986, Walton is a child of divorce as well as being a single mother, so she has personal as well as professional experience with the challenges of separation and divorce. Each brief "instruction" offers help through the various stages of the process -- including legal, financial, and emotional issues.

Thank you. I'm so grateful this site and especially this thread...

Bump for the new people

Lynne

This came at just the right moment in my life, and I'm grateful to all who have shared their nuggets of inspiration. I'm new to DS, and I'm not sure how to find this thread when I need a boost! Help, please!

(I did click on "Watch this Topic" but I don't know how to go to it when there is no new reply. Also, is there a way to print out all these suggestions? Someone should write a book, but I'd be happy with a way to access these ideas daily. They bring a smile and sense of hope to me!)

Meiho - I believe that Z includes them in her newcomer list. Since we have someone new here often, that's one way. You can also click on Kimmeee's link and ask her - she is a community leader.

Lynne

Bookmark for this Manual:

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/2816539-manual

Give yourself or get a total makeover. Look into the mirror and say Yeah, I would like to try or change that and then just -Do it! I am not talking plastic surgery here, start small. For me it was waxing my brows. Then a new "do", turned out to be a don't but got a better one as it grew out. Then a new color. New clothes find yourself on the outside too. It helped my inside grow into the me I knew I always was and could always be. Have fun with it. Make it a bonding experience with a friend. Guys this goes for you too.

For the Newcomers...How to Get Through It by patti22

I started to write this in reply to someone else but decided to make it it's own post.

Wake up. Force yourself to get dressed.

Reward yourself with a cup of coffee or tea. This is a big accomplishment. (Thus the silly posts on here debating which is better.)

Then force yourself to keep your mind on something else. This is VERY hard. (Thus all of the silly OT topics which are really much much more ON topic than some people realize.)

Reach out for support....Everywhere. It will probably hit you hard when some of the people that you thought would be supportive won't be. And some of the thoughtless comments will have the power to send you into a dark hole. So come on here and tell us all about them. Chances are someone's heard the same thing, or worse, and can help you through them.

It will also surprise you the people who will be supportive. I lost a ton of weight, and while buying some clothes, the cashier sympathized and remembered going through the same thing.

Talk, talk, and talk. Talk it to death if you have to.

And also come on here where we understand that sometimes you want to talk about anything Except what's going on. (Thus all of the Other OT topics, that really aren't OT at all.)

Some of us got hurt badly by abuse, some by infedelity, some dealt with alcohol/drugs, and some are going back to work for the first time in years and years. And a lot of us go through issues with our kids.

Take a chance and post. The OT stuff gets tons of responses because so many of us are trying NOT to think about it all, but don't let that fool you. This is a divorce and breakup site. We're all in different stages of it.

Hugs. And sorry that you're here.

prior posting Jan 2010

Lost said "...I will never forgive him . ..."

This thinking is harmful to you.

I agree that you might never TRUST him again. Forgiving is what will set you free of anger and the feelings that might create pain within you for a very long time. You can reconcile only if he can earn your TRUST again. Try to work a strategy to forgive him for his evil doings. Trusting him is a different question.

Try to read about forgiveness. Here is one book:

Helping Clients Forgive: An Empirical Guide for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope
Robert D. Enright (Author) and Richard P. Fitzgibbons (Author)

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/...

You can consult with at least one of the authors, Fitzgibbons, by phone.

GOOD BOOK - User Guide, starter guide to letting go of anger and moving forward

This exceptional book is for the serious student-patient of breakups and divorce. Dr. Fitzgibbons may be available by phone for counseling sessions. It is well worth the money.

"Helping Clients Forgive: An Emperical Guide for Resolving Anger and Restoring hope" Robert D. Enright and Richard P. Fitzgibbons, 2008, 7th printing, American Psychological Association 2000, 375 pages.

Chapter 11: Forgiveness in Marital and Family Relationships
- Understanding Anger in Marriage
- The Emotionally Distant Spouse
- The Controlling Spouse
- The Angry Husband
- The Angry Wife
- Passive-Aggressive Anger in Marriages
- Limitations of forgiveness with Abusive Spouses
- The Narcissistic Spouse
- Infidelity
- Separation and Divorce Anger
- Forgiveness in other Family Relationships

reference: www.maritalhealth.com

I never did the whole forgiveness thing.

But then I also think of forgiveness as something that you need to have Within a relationship, not once it's over.

Why bother to fix a car that you're sending to the dump? Why waste endless energy about why it broke?

On the other hand, figuring out why I stayed so long (and I wasn't even the one that Left!) was helpful.

I had a conversation with my son this morning about people hating us. And I said that it's a given. There will always be people who will hate me, and him. It's far more important that I learn how to love and forgive myself. That's the one relationship that will never end.

The hardest part about learning to walk, ride a bike, skate, or have a relationship is Balance. Talk (communicate) too softly and no one can hear you. Yell (force your way) and you will annoy everyone. Relationships are especially tough because Both people have to learn balance.....

Put on some makeup, get a haircut, paint your nails... Just do something for yourself.

This has helped sooo much. It's been almost 2 weeks now and the past few days I've started to feel better. I'm almost at the acceptance stage. I sometimes have my moments where I linger and think about "how to fix" the sitation, etc., so I do look in the past but I try not to stare. I know when I do that weakens me. Everyone is different but I'm hoping I'm on the road to feeling better and the days of me wanting to curl up in a ball are over. I'm sure there will be days like that, but at the least reading everything on here will help me get through it and hopefully it won't last long.

Thank you to everone who has posted their thoughts.

For me getting through it was talking/communicating with my friends 24/7. When I wake up in the morning I'd send out a few emails to my friends to let them know where my head was at. On my way to work I have a phone buddy who I talk to on my drive in. Even with all that communication with my friends I knew therapy was a valuable thing so I started that right away. Even after that I went to support groups. So the past two weeks I've talked to my friends constantly went to a therapy session and one group session. At the two week mark I'd have gone to two therapy sessions and two group sessions. The weekends are particularly hard especially since I'm away from my kids. But this weekend I'll be staying with friends every night so I won't be alone and be with my worst enemy...me at times. Divorce is like a marathon. It's long grueling...so I've been thinking about running one. I'd start small with a 5k run and work my way up. Maybe when I'm ready I'll be in a much better place and when I cross the finish line it'll be a symbolic moment like I did it. I got through it now let's start the next chapter of my life. I hope this helps someone. If helps one person that'll make me happy. I assume anyone on here is looking for help and is desperate for ideas and wants to get better. That's how I found this site. It's amazing. I decided the hurt was too much and I needed to something about. The very fact that you're on this site reading is a victory it should show you that you want to get better and that this feeling right now will pass.

Wow this is helpful,,, thank you so much... I am trying to learn from my divorce and be a better person from the mistakes that I made.. I fall into the trap of living in the past too much,,,,gotta stay positive and move into the future,,,I say a prayer for my ex everyday, but my worries of her do no good,,,have to concentrate on the positives and move forward... These posts are helpful!

Go for long walks