Aww, thank you for the comments again! I am so touched. : )

Stroodle, thanks for sharing your experience. I have never been on an anti-depressant before -- this year was the first year I started taking something (Klonopin) for anxiety. Very, very interested to hear that you had a positive experience with the drug. This is definitely something I can relate to right now: "Depression can be a viscous circle because the behaviors you need to rescue yourself are often behind the curtain of darkness." I just feel like there is NO serotonin in my brain hardly right now. It is just so depleted. I am so harsh and critical of myself that I have basically just driven myself into despair, and now I can't snap out of it.

"I would sit on a couch and appreciate the restful feeling. (Normally I can't sit still and have a hard time relaxing.)" Ahhh, this sounds SO RELAXING! I never have restful feelings anymore. : (

Today was like a 5 in terms of pulling. Got my "Pearls" book in Amazon today, I will definitely start carrying it around with me and reading it when I have urges. Hopefully that will work.

I have a work meeting tomorrow that I am simply dreading. UGH. How am I going to bullshit my way out of this?

Thank you Sam and Manda for your comments also, as always they mean so much to me.

23 days til haircut!! 37 days til I GTFO. I dunno, maybe they will fire me tomorrow for being totally useless. I'm like so beyond caring at this point.

Oh gosh, how yucky for you. This will pass. 37 days to go. Please plan a lovely night of law and order and comfort food for tomorrow evening. Do you have a teddy bear? I think you might need teddy cuddles.

I agree with stroodle about the medicine. Zoloft has given me a breathing room with anxiety and depression. Prior to zoloft, I zinged, zanged, zipped, zapped, and nothing got done. Keep working for something special each day, to help you relax.

Best wishes!

Awww, thanks Sam, I do need teddy cuddles!! I will just have to picture my boyfriend next to me, or cuddle with my pillow, lol.

I have an appointment with a nurse tomorrow to talk about going on Zoloft. Or something. Mid, thank you for comment, good to hear about someone else who had a positive experience on medication.

I don't think at this point I am gonna get very good references for this job so I'm kind of indifferent at this point. I start my new job September 1, so at this point I just need to make it to the end of August and finish all my shit without too much pain and suffering.

20 days til my haircut. Fuck, I wish I could reschedule. I do not feel good about my hair. Still, this is a hair salon that advertises itself as a safe space for people with trich, so it's not like they can really judge me, right? I have always had a good experience there, I can talk openly about my trich etc.

Pulled soooo much today without any good reason for doing so. But Saturday I hardly pulled at all, so at least that was good.

34 days before I leave.

I hope you're able to find the right antidepressant for you.

Ugh hang in there.. Re: your job. And about the haircut, I feel you there. Mine is in 3 days and I freak out a tiny amount every time I think about it. Oh well. Ooooh safe place for people with trich, sounds awesome!!! I'm sure it'll be a lovely experience.

Congrats about Saturday, it's great you can have low level pulling, as this is obviously a difficult time for you. Huuuuugs.

I hope you're able to find an antidepressant or whatever you choose that will be effective for you. Just hang in there with your job and haircut, and try to focus on the positive changes that will happen when 34 days is over. Hugs!

Awww, thanks for the hugs guys! hugs = good.

Sooo I pulled 262 hairs yesterday, because I counted every one (I'm sure there were more than a few that I missed). Holy crap!!!!

I'm hoping that and the fact that it's 19 days til my haircut will serve as a wake up call for the next few weeks. I already feel more motivated to start trying to control my pulling again. Pulling 262+ hairs a day is like NOT sustainable!!

I'm like the little kid who starts brushing his teeth before going to the dentist, hoping that will make up for weeks of damage....

Well, 262 is wayyyyy less than 10,000! You did stop at 262 and that it is to be commended. You know you can have PF days and you know you could pull every hair out until there are none left. It's great that you counted them all. I once wondered what impact it would have to put a pullfest in a clear glass box to sort of capture the physical damage for observation. Yes, it's not sustainable - you know what --- my best streaks have been after I sort of blew apart with a pull frenzy. I've let myself go before and then took a deep breath and started a streak. In fact just before my current pull-free-a-thon, I probably was in the hundreds. Don't look back, just take a deep breath and onward. I'd document with photos - sort of capture your streak starting point. I am taking photos every week. My first photo was really a barren desert (the eyes). My head was very sparse in places. I am actually finally starting to see the bloom. (It was 4 weeks yesterday - it was photo #4.) My point is that today is an opportunity for you to regroup, breath, and take it to a higher level. With you. :)

That is really strong, counting each hair and making yourself accountable. I haven't done that in about 10 years and I know that that actually got me to stop for a long time so maybe I really need to start doing that again instead of just pulling like crazy and throwing the hairs away as I pull. I have kept the hairs before and often do until the next day, but maybe I should keep them again. I feel that photos of the progress are the most motivating but also can be devastating. Don't let that goal of 19 days hinder you but rather get the most you can in that amount of time and more after. It's never too late.

Awww, thank you for the comments guys! : )

On one hand counting the hairs takes a lot of effort and is sometimes depressing, but I know that when I don't count them, I just pull and pull and pull and pull mindlessly. So counting is just one way I try to keep myself accountable.

18 days til haircut faaargh! How much can hair grow in 18 days...?

Yesterday was like a 6 on the Claudia Miles scale, in terms of pulling. But at least it wasn't a 9.

I am wearing my hat today at work and am ready (finally) to do some focused work, so hopefully today will be ok, so long as nothing happens that throws me off : / 32 days before I leave, eeek, I better finish all my shit. I lost like 2 weeks there in which I basically did nothing because I was so depressed/hating the job so much.

Its great you're feeling motivated about your work. And that you're wearing a hat!

I find that being accountable is essential too, and counting hairs is often a helpful thing. However I do think its helpful to focus on the rating and not the actual number. (Claudia miles style). We are good at this :)

Haircut, breathe.. It's a trich friendly salon and your hair is in good condition. In some of your photos I couldn't even tell you had trich.

I agree, your hair looks great in the photos you posted recently. No one but you is looking at your hair and trying to see any damage. Difficult to remember, but true!

It is hard to capture the damage with my hair in pictures.... I made the mistake of looking at old photos of myself last night from university and I was like OH MY GAWD MY HAIR WAS SO THICK AND PLENTIFUL!!

Anyway, I changed the haircut date to this Saturday because I just want to get it over with.

I am thinking about going for something dramatic, something really short, like a bob or something, or something with a ton of layers. I like the length that my hair is now (and I especially love how well it looks with my extensions), but I also just want to do something DIFFERENT with it. But I'm also a bit nervous that once I have a bob haircut, it won't really blend in well with the extensions -- or that everyone will be able to tell when I have my extensions in, because the extensions will add length rather than thickness to my hair.

Plus when I move back to be with my boyfriend he lives overseas and there aren't a lot of women there with short hair (I guess save for the hipsters, ha ha), so I would stand out a lot.

Anyway, haircut musings!

I wish I had something positive to report from the pulling front. Umm, my only completely pull free day this month was July 5th? I pulled hair every single other day. Anyway, here is how I would rate each day according to the Claudia Miles system --

July 1 --> 1
July 2 --> 0
July 3 --> 1
July 4--> 5
July 5--> 1
July 6--> 1
July 7--> 6
July 8--> 1
July 9--> 5
July 10--> 3
July 11--> 1
July 12--> 9
July 13--> 5
July 14--> 2
July 15-20 --> 8, 9 [[ this week I just pulled mindlessly without counting, it was like BAD every single day]]
July 21--> 3
July 22--> 1
July 23--> 6
July 24--> 5
July 25--> 3
July 26--> 1
July 27--> 8 [[ 262 hairs!!! OMFG. Still not a 10 though, 10 is when I pulled over 300, which I have definitely done]]
July 28--> 6
July 29--> 6
July 30--> 5

Wow, there were a few more 1's in there than I thought. That's a little encouraging. That gives me a bit of hope for August. As long I don't spiral into another nihilistic suicidal depression again. August is gonna be strezzzzful though, so we'll see. Hopefully I won't procrastinate and leave everything to the last minute. I REALLY HAVE TO MAKE SURE I AM RESPONSIBLE AND THAT I DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN. I AM A GROWN UP, I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS SH*T.

Sorry for the stream-of-conscious entry, but it was very helpful for me to do this end-of-month round up to see where I'm at. It was that third week of July that really messed me up because I was pulling tons and not counting any of it and basically hating myself and wanting to die from boredom/existentialism.

I have hope for August!!!!! By the end of August I want to get more 4's and 5's and hopefully no 8's or 9's. I hope my new haircut will motivate me!!

Oh whoops, July 5 should be a 0, not a 1. LOL. July 2 should be a 1, not a 0.

Yes lots of 1s!! Plus the 0. Thats 10 fantastic days which is a third of the month! Not so bad at all! :)

Eeeek, those nihilistic and existentialist type thoughts are pretty bleak. A lot of it I actually agree with, but focusing on that stuff while depressed must be really really tough. Are you getting some treatment for your depression? I forget. I remember you saying something about medication.

Yay for moving up your haircut! A bob might be nice. Better buy a hipster shirt ;) I know what you mean about looking a photos from a while ago and lusting over the thickness. Oof. And my hair is never even that thick when fully grown in.