I haven't watched it either, but my sister is alway sonar me to watch it.

Ugh it is so hard to motivate yourself when you're feeling anxious and depressed.

I have the tendency to be a sulker too, I have to fight it. Because it's really not cool. It's how my mother punished me a child too. Not cool!

Hey, not sure if it makes sense for you to log your exercise, but I am really into logging things. I use myfitnesspal.com. I enjoy the forums and the mindfulness that I've gained with my eating and exercise. Everyone has days they need to say "no" to exercise, but when I am depressed it's the best medicine! Just a thought. Have a good night! :)

Thanks stroodle! I used to use myfitness pal but I got so tired of logging in all my food (also, it was depressing to see how many calories I am actually eating). Now I just put a smiley face on my calendar every time I work out. I never used the myfitness forums though, I lurk there sometimes but have never commented. Maybe I should try it out!

Ok, so last week was reaaaaally bad in terms of pulling. Which surprises me, because I thought I would pull less with my boyfriend around. But there was some weird stuff going on at my "job" which made me feel down on myself. The worst day for pulling was the day my boyfriend left, unsurprisingly. I didn't even bother to count hairs that day but it was probably a solid 8, if not a 9.

So since last week was such a setback this week I just want to concentrate on counting hairs when I do pull them to help keep myself aware, and try to keep it under 50. Any day when I pull less than 50 hairs is automatically a 1. I wish I could just go straight to being pull free but that is just not realistic right now. This just seems like a more achievable goal at the moment.

That's a very good plan :) Remember that a 3 and under is good in my book! I think just counting and being aware is the first (very important) step. And take care of yourself!

When something's not quite right with my partner and I, that is a huge trigger. The feelings of loss of control, and (imagined) loss of love are very overwhelming and hard to deal with. As is anxiety. I only mention this as you said you had a tiff.

Focus on achievable goals and you can work your way up from there!

Any plan that includes an improvement is a good plan in my book! I know that it is traitlike for us to put a root hair in our mouth and bite it. If you do that, consider that one of the curbs can be NOT to do that. I have a pet theory that our body is deficient in some chemical that the root provides or stimulates when we "crunch" it. It's just too weird that this train is co-bundled with our condition. It seems to me that one of the answers to understanding the root cause (not intended as a pun, but it works!) is that we do this - I mean ingestion is tied to survival. The fact that this is instinctual behavior to us is a priceless clue. Anyhow, I have found that when I started to curb this behavior, my interest in pulling would go down. I would allow myself to pull as much as I wanted but the rule was that the hair couldn't go near my top lip (for wet touch) or mouth. Once I declared this, my urges dropped. I think the chemical component is a viscous circle - root taste breeds more desire. Anyhow, consider trying that if you are prone to the whole oral component of trich. It would be one form of curbing that may give rise to a drop in urges!

Stroodle

oops - "this train" is supposed to be "this trait"...

I totally agree stroodle -- for me it is not so much the act of pulling the hair itself, it is what I do with it afterwards (twist it into knots, roll into balls, put against mouth) that I am REALLY after.

I would say definitely every day last week was either a 7, 8 or 9 in terms of pulling, according to the Claudia Miles system. Not cool. Not cool at all. I was not counting my hairs either, which for me just leads to mindless, endless pulling. I just did not have the motivation to stay on top of it.

Looking back at my cell phone app (which I use to keep track of my pulling) it's really clear to me that I had three weeks in which I was doing very well, then three weeks in which I started slipping until I just bottomed out last week and did not come on here to update, and did not bother to stay mindful of the behavior at all.

WELL WHAT CAN I DO EXCEPT TRY TRY AGAIN. It's either that or just continue pulling mindlessly until I am bald.

I only have 6 more weeks at this shitty "job" before I move back to where my boyfriend lives and start my new job (well, it's really my old job with a promotion) so at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel!!

There's also a little less than a month to go before I get my haircut. Urk. 27 days to be exact! Maybe I will start a countdown here as some extra motivation.

The rituals that come after pulling are just as important to stop as the actual pulling, I think. I always wrap the hair around my index and middle fingers and then tear it apart. If I don't, the pull doesn't feel "complete".

Haircuts are great motivation!! And a new (or new-ish) job is something to look forward to!

C's Way of Life app is still working for me. At least I can see at a glance how many PF days I have in a row. I also use it for exercise and productivity. Ah, the rituals. I have to smooth the hair out, and then snap it in half. Astounding, how we all have such similar experiences.

Damn motivation! Yep all you can do is keep on swimming. Eep haircut! The very thought has me trembling! I want to get one soon but I just keep picturing my short croen hsir on display for all to see. Ugh.

For me the pull (feel and sound) is equally important as the ritual (inspecting the root, pulling the bulb off with my fingernails, rolling the bulb between my finger and thumb before throwing it away). So interesting how you all break the hair and I dont.

So you had an inevitable bad patch, and now its time for some good days!

Aww, thank you so much for the comments you guys! So sweet. It is so heartening to know that I am not alone in this.

Well Monday I definitely pulled more than 50 hairs, so that day was like a 3. Yesterday was a 2, and today so far is a 2 as well (according to the Claudia Miles system). So some small improvement, but I feel really far away from having a pull free day again, let alone a pull free streak : (

I am wearing my hair extensions again and taking my anti-anxiety meds.

24 days til my haircut!! AAARGH.

I had a really dark moment last night, I even called the national suicide hotline (not because I would do anything like a suicide attempt, I just wanted to cry and talk to someone). Uggh! Not really sure where to go from here in terms of mental health. Since I only have like a month left in this city, I don't really see the point of getting on anti-depressants or seeing a new therapist while here. I would love it if I would be able to quit my "job", maybe that's what I just need to do? But it's like literally all I have to do is get through another 38 DAYS. THAT'S IT.....

Perhaps you could keep calling that hotline, or another one that's more of a crisis/depression helpline? They can probably set up a file for you so you dont have to keep telling them your details each time you call. Ive utilised carers hotlines before when I was overwhelmed with taking care of my mum.

Keeping your numbers down is great, and if that's all you can do during this difficult time, then that is fine. Good, even. Meditate, exercise, call friends, watch funny tv shows. I guess with your job, think about how quitting would effect your future, resume, references etc. But number 1 is your mental health.

Could you find an online therapist to talk to via skype? Or find a therapist in your new area that would be willing to do a few skype/phone sessions until you move?

Your mental health is the priority. Try to focus on self care and try to have little things to look forward to to help you get through the next 37 days. Write them down as a motivator, if that would help. Hugs.

So I'll chime in on the utility of starting an anti-depressant. I once took Lexapro. I hadn't even realized that I was depressed when I started it but wow - what a change once I started. Everyone is unique and meds interact differently with everyone and meds aren't always the right fix, but if you suspect that an anti-depressant might work I would totally advocate trying it regardless of your upcoming move.

I am very VERY cautious about taking medicine and I was even scared that it would change my sense of self in a way that I was uncomfortable with but I had an amazing experience. I wouldn't have changed my chance to be happy for a minute and I credit the opportunity to reclaim happiness to the SSRI I took (Lexapro). I had a low dose and upped it slowly (half a pill and then one pill, 10 mg). The effect was amazing - my perceptions changed from seeing the world as something to contend with to seeing opportunities for joy in every corner. The medication worked much faster than I was told it would work. I felt effects in the first week. it was like life slowed down and I sped up - I was able to see between the raindrops. The main side effect (and only side effect) that I felt was feelings of being tired at night. It helped me sleep! I would sit on a couch and appreciate the restful feeling. (Normally I can't sit still and have a hard time relaxing.)

I don't mean to push drugs. I am simply sharing this to suggest that if you consider medication as an option and can find a doc to work with you to get you started, it might be very valuable right now. It helped with my cross-country move that transpired only a few months after starting the medication. Everything felt easy and doable and I saw more light in the world.

And, I know I used the term 'SSRI' - that stands for selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor - basically, your brain makes serotonin when it's happy as the happy neurotransmitter. But, when you are depressed, behind on sleep etc. your brain "eats" (absorbs) the serotonin at a faster rate. The Lexapro simply slows down the "eating" so that the serotonin can pool in your brain longer. You are still the one producing the serotonin - it's not like the medication provides the happy chemical - that still comes from you :) -- it just gives you a chance to appreciate the effects of the serotonin long enough to feel positive emotions. Depression can be a viscous circle because the behaviors you need to rescue yourself are often behind the curtain of darkness. The medication might allow you to break the cycle long enough to adopt behaviors that could provide you with balance and happiness. Then, you can reach a new level and perhaps let go of the SSRI when your brain is restored to a space outside of depression.

Just thoughts and my experience. If something seems like a lifeline - don't delay reaching for it - only focus on the present and the need to address what's going on now.