Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
G'day guys,
I posted a while ago that I suspected my wife of 14 years was having an affair on me. All the usual red flags were there - all of them, but as yet, I still have no real proof that the affair actually existed. This has been going on for more than three years now,
Long story short,
It came to a head a couple of months ago, Accusations were thrown and heated words were exchanged after I caught her flirting with, and making doe eyes at a male co-worker. (he was and still is my prime suspect)
Shortly before this, and to his credit, this bloke approached me and asked me if I suspected him of having an affair with my wife. "because he felf a "vibe" coming from me (damn straight he did) and that he had been hearing rumours. - bullshit, I had never mentioned my suspicions to anyone there. We all work at the same place though I am in a different section.
I told him staight out of my suspicions and that if i ever got proof, two things would happen.
1. I would bury him.
2. I would tell his wife
not necissarily in that ordr.
This prick is a male slut, has cheated on his wife several times that I know of and even left her and their little child once for another woman. He is constantly hitting on all and sundry females at our work. Pretty much anyone with a pulse. Most of the women I talk to can't stand him because he is such a sleazy basterd. they all tell a similar story of his hitting on them. -You get the idea.
When I told him my intentions, the colour drained from his face and i think I saw real fear there.
When my wife and I had our strong words, she told me she was leaving. that it was all over etc etc and for once, my spine grew some bones and I said fine. Advised her of the reality that she had better see a lawyer because I allready had and that we should start packing the following day. We would both have to move out of our house, get the valuers in and start negotiations re a settlement because I was damned if I was just going to just walk away and give her anything without a fight.
For the first time in all our troubles, she actually broke down and cried and I left her to it..
The following morning, i was sitting by the computor when she came out and for the first time in three years, she initiated a sign of affection. (a little thing) She touched me affectionately on the arm as she walked past on her way to the bathroom. All my hard arse resolve melted and like the lap dog that I am, I also melted.
Shortly after this, things started to improve a bit and a couple of weeks later we went away on vacation. We did the whole romantic thing, staying is real nice places, rain forest cabins with spar and log fire etc etc, drank lots of wine, lots of eye contact, talked nicely a lot and even made love often and like we used to. It was bloody great! and I thought we were back on track.
At the end of the holliday, we returned home to work and reality and for a couple of weeks or so, things continued as they were while we were away. bloody brilliant! Lots of affection and cuddles, Lots of eye contact and plenty of great sex. I am a simple man - what can I say?
Over the past couple of weeks or so, I have noticed my wife gradually but surely pulling away from me. Less and less eye contact, finding excuses not to make love and rejecting affection and fearing that she was reverting back to her old nasty self, 4 nights ago I asked her if she was pulling away from me again. What was wrong? she said she didn't know.
Three nights ago, while I was cookng dinner, she came out and it was clear something was troubling her. she came into the kitchen and burst into tears and told me she just "can't live the lie anymore" that she no longer loves me that way that she used to or the way that I want her to. that I am a "good man" and that I deserve better.
This bloody gutted me and it seems clear to me that she is looking for an easy way out. She has broken my heart again, Just when the trust was starting to build and I thought we were making progress. i can't help myself from analysing everything she says and does looking for things to be suspicious of - again.
We had a calm, deep and meaningful discussion that night when all the time, I just wanted to smack her in the mouth. I have never struck a woman in my life and view any man who does with contempt and as being a coward.
The guts of the matter is that we are both in our 50's, though my wife looks much younger than her years (bitch) :)) and is still a VERY attractive woman. She is the most desireable woman I have ever met.. We are both comfortable in our home and are safe with each other. I told her this and tried to reason logically with her about why she would possibly want to throw it all away on some whim. I urged her to think rationally and that even if she is having an affair (which she denied) Does she think that any other man would put up with her radical mood swings, inconsistencies and all the other bullshit that i have - for as long as I have. It got ugly again. For the record, she is not menapausal..
Yesterday morning, i stayed home from work and we made love, and it was the best sex we have had in years, and the first daylight sex in much longer than that . I stayed home because I thought she had made arrangemens to meet her maggot while I was at work and i was determined to fuck that up on her..
Afterwards, She said in a passing comment, "Wow, that is the best daylight sex i have had in ages"
My problem is this. My wife and i haven't had sex during the day time in a very long time. Probably about 8 years. what the hell is she talking about? did she slip up? or am I being paranoid?
Afterwards, I felt dirty and used. what the hell is going on here? Am I losing my mind?
I posted a while ago that I suspected my wife of 14 years was having an affair on me. All the usual red flags were there - all of them, but as yet, I still have no real proof that the affair actually existed. This has been going on for more than three years now,
Long story short,
It came to a head a couple of months ago, Accusations were thrown and heated words were exchanged after I caught her flirting with, and making doe eyes at a male co-worker. (he was and still is my prime suspect)
Shortly before this, and to his credit, this bloke approached me and asked me if I suspected him of having an affair with my wife. "because he felf a "vibe" coming from me (damn straight he did) and that he had been hearing rumours. - bullshit, I had never mentioned my suspicions to anyone there. We all work at the same place though I am in a different section.
I told him staight out of my suspicions and that if i ever got proof, two things would happen.
1. I would bury him.
2. I would tell his wife
not necissarily in that ordr.
This prick is a male slut, has cheated on his wife several times that I know of and even left her and their little child once for another woman. He is constantly hitting on all and sundry females at our work. Pretty much anyone with a pulse. Most of the women I talk to can't stand him because he is such a sleazy basterd. they all tell a similar story of his hitting on them. -You get the idea.
When I told him my intentions, the colour drained from his face and i think I saw real fear there.
When my wife and I had our strong words, she told me she was leaving. that it was all over etc etc and for once, my spine grew some bones and I said fine. Advised her of the reality that she had better see a lawyer because I allready had and that we should start packing the following day. We would both have to move out of our house, get the valuers in and start negotiations re a settlement because I was damned if I was just going to just walk away and give her anything without a fight.
For the first time in all our troubles, she actually broke down and cried and I left her to it..
The following morning, i was sitting by the computor when she came out and for the first time in three years, she initiated a sign of affection. (a little thing) She touched me affectionately on the arm as she walked past on her way to the bathroom. All my hard arse resolve melted and like the lap dog that I am, I also melted.
Shortly after this, things started to improve a bit and a couple of weeks later we went away on vacation. We did the whole romantic thing, staying is real nice places, rain forest cabins with spar and log fire etc etc, drank lots of wine, lots of eye contact, talked nicely a lot and even made love often and like we used to. It was bloody great! and I thought we were back on track.
At the end of the holliday, we returned home to work and reality and for a couple of weeks or so, things continued as they were while we were away. bloody brilliant! Lots of affection and cuddles, Lots of eye contact and plenty of great sex. I am a simple man - what can I say?
Over the past couple of weeks or so, I have noticed my wife gradually but surely pulling away from me. Less and less eye contact, finding excuses not to make love and rejecting affection and fearing that she was reverting back to her old nasty self, 4 nights ago I asked her if she was pulling away from me again. What was wrong? she said she didn't know.
Three nights ago, while I was cookng dinner, she came out and it was clear something was troubling her. she came into the kitchen and burst into tears and told me she just "can't live the lie anymore" that she no longer loves me that way that she used to or the way that I want her to. that I am a "good man" and that I deserve better.
This bloody gutted me and it seems clear to me that she is looking for an easy way out. She has broken my heart again, Just when the trust was starting to build and I thought we were making progress. i can't help myself from analysing everything she says and does looking for things to be suspicious of - again.
We had a calm, deep and meaningful discussion that night when all the time, I just wanted to smack her in the mouth. I have never struck a woman in my life and view any man who does with contempt and as being a coward.
The guts of the matter is that we are both in our 50's, though my wife looks much younger than her years (bitch) :)) and is still a VERY attractive woman. She is the most desireable woman I have ever met.. We are both comfortable in our home and are safe with each other. I told her this and tried to reason logically with her about why she would possibly want to throw it all away on some whim. I urged her to think rationally and that even if she is having an affair (which she denied) Does she think that any other man would put up with her radical mood swings, inconsistencies and all the other bullshit that i have - for as long as I have. It got ugly again. For the record, she is not menapausal..
Yesterday morning, i stayed home from work and we made love, and it was the best sex we have had in years, and the first daylight sex in much longer than that . I stayed home because I thought she had made arrangemens to meet her maggot while I was at work and i was determined to fuck that up on her..
Afterwards, She said in a passing comment, "Wow, that is the best daylight sex i have had in ages"
My problem is this. My wife and i haven't had sex during the day time in a very long time. Probably about 8 years. what the hell is she talking about? did she slip up? or am I being paranoid?
Afterwards, I felt dirty and used. what the hell is going on here? Am I losing my mind?
Take care and will keep watching...L!
(Moon shots...outstandind!)
Still a roller coaster and not much time at the moment but thank you for checking on me
L~
You got 2 women watching your back! Know this is a very trying time for you, the anticipation is tough. Very gallant of you to help her move out her stuff! You are totally taking the high road, and seem to be resembling one of our favorites of all time here, DadWithHope.
Also it sends the W a message: You want out, this bloke will help you get out! I'd be very silent at first, and then pre-meditate my words to her in advance, as you have only a few days left. This is monumental, and then you can look back, and be proud of yourself. Heck, why not email DadWithHope? He can give you some sage advice, as usual!
Thinkin of you, LSTecker & I, as always!!! Our hearts are with you!! Do we need to come and help you move in our bikinis wearing our fake hairpieces and gobs of make-up, to let her know you already have a harem of women to chose from??? lol
Stay cool, be smart, and think ahead as to how you want this to go.
Her moving out is her control. Now you take control within that arena. No tears please, ol bloke, just be brave, and wear L's cape and fly through this one!!!! It is what it is, and what shall be ..shall be!!! Lots of love!!!
This is the second day that I havent needed chemical help just to stay on an even keel, (sort of)
Very sad, but the hurt and the outrage seem to have passed to some degree. This acceptance thing is a relief of sorts.
Blondegal and L, your words are true gems as usual. Tactically, I really have no clue and the words and advice from you ladies in this regard gives me an insight into how that wonderful and mysterious female mind works
Your advice re the silence and well thought out words are pearls of wisdom likewise the tears thing. The bikinis thing would be OUTSTANDING. LOL. She had the audacity last night to ask me not to date any of the ladies at our work while we are separated. WTF? Is that about. LOL She also asked me not to remove my wedding ring or the earring that she bought me this year again WTF?
Oh yeah, I have been quietly busy in the background researching finance options etc. It appears that I can afford to buy her out without screwing her tooo bad. AND still buy my motorcycle. I spoke to a dealer yesterday and to say I am excited about that is an understatement. My heart says Harley or Triumph, but my head is saying big Japanese cruiser. Going in to town on Tuesday to check a few out.
I think I am gonna have my own little mid-life crisis and love every minute of it. Really feeling the need for the wind in my face and 100mph sweeping mountain bends and getting horizontal or near to it, on them again.
As I think I may have said before, this is all about ME now. I am gonna do what I need to do to survive and get on with my life. The weekend will be tough, but come Monday, a whole new adventure begins! It starts with a Tattoo in the morning!
Thanks again, my dear and beautiful friends. This place is priceless
Love to you,
Mick
You sound well. Mentally prepared...or as mentally prepared as you can be. It's like when you know someone close to you is going to die, from cancer for instance, and it's just a matter of time. YOu see it coming. You know it has to happen. You try so hard to prepare and make those peaces that need to be made and come to terms with it. But then you actually have to go thru it. All of this preparation will help you as much as it can. It will.
So, she doesn't want you to take off your ring or an earring that she gifted you with? It's touching that she asked and all, but that will come on your terms and in your time. Keep them on or take them off at your discretion. Hell, I still wear a crucifix necklace that my EX gave me. Never take it off. Because I remember what it means to me and how he understood that.
but her asking you to keep them on and not date someone from your place of work? She still has some deep feelings for you. Sure, I could get all mad and say she has no right to make that request of you seeing as she is walking out the door, but I do recall that she is a bit lost right now to herself; she may find her way back. That, my friend, is up to you.
Your midlife crisis will be fun. Have some fun with that. Why the hell not??? You got a Harley. (there is nothing like the sound of a Harley...they are made not too far from me!) But remember this - a midlife crisis can also be a great 'defining YOU' time. We may just be reaching a point in our lives when WE decide to put all the little bullshit away that tangles our legs as we hit our stride. That can go and this can go...this HAS to go... A midlife crisis can be a good thing - as long as it brings you closer to yourself.
Me and Blondgals in bikinis again? But no heavy makeup or hair pieces. We are too damned real for that crap...and it gets in the way of the LIME that comes with our Corona! (hell, if I wake up with LIME in my REAL hair, what kind of damage could I do to a hair piece???!!! Damn...NO...LOL)
Stay in touch. We obviously have not reached the limit to this epic thread. Sending support as always.
L~
Great to hear from you again. I was beginning to think your kayak flipped and some giant croc made a meal of you. Anyway, so now you're off the water and onto the road? Well, I envy you because I'd love to hop on a bike right now and cruise the Rockies. But, I'm not clickish so I may disappoint all by saying I'd prefer a Honda Shadow over a Harley (sorry to all those Harley fans who don't want to be part of a 'click'). Anyway, financial priorities prohibit that impulse buy on my part. I'll just live through you...
Regarding the tattoo, there's a commercial locally that advertises a product to remove tattooes. They phrase the term "tattoo regret". Just advising here that before you go out and get some full-frontal canvas of a lady that looks eerily similar to your troubled W that has a bayonnet through her heart and bloody horns protruding from her skull, just remember that the pain to remove it all is just as bad as the pain to put in on. Personally, I've never had a tattoo so I don't know what in the hell I'm even saying here. Just put some thought into whatever you do. How about that?
Oh yeah, the other stuff. Well, I really think L's words of wisdom are just spot on. I think that I'll just reply "see L's post above" for any future comments because she knows what she's saying and I can't remember disagreeing with her.
Hope this weekend is smooth for you. I really feel for you AND your troubled spouse. Mid-life crisis sucks, but I think you both are finding yourselves and somehow, someway, you're going to be o.k.
-TheRule
Right now, Heavy makeup and bikinis work be very welcome here (with me anyway) LOL
Yep, I have prepared as well as I can and now it is a waiting game. roll on Saturday when this home will become MINE!
As an aside, Word is startling to leak out around our work about the pending break up.
I have mentioned before about how attactive she is. Today was an eye opener for me. i passed her on my way to my lunch as she was standing in the smokers area. She was urrrounded by men, all fawning on her every word while Her Majesty, Queen Robin held Court. Honestly, they were like a bunch of rady dogs hanging round a bitch in heat.
I nearly vomited. I was walking with one of my mates, and he oh so quietly whispered "you right mate?" and with those couple of words of empathy, i was back on an even keel, said G'day to her and kept walking. Bloody hell, I'm proud of myself for that. . .
i think the enormity of what she is doing is finally starting to sink in - even to her. Tonight we had another quiet and very civil conversation and we spoke about what she was going to take with her when she goes.
I will be helping her mve her heavy things this Saturday and she is actually leaving that day but is returning on Sunday to get more. Perhaps I should explain. Our house is a big old colonial style thing with three double bedrooms and two sleep outs. i am not sure what the American term for this is. Every room in the place, with the exception of my bedroom is absolutely filled with her clutter - to the point of absurdity. There is no flat surface, anywhere in the house that is not entirely covered in her clutter and i can';t remember to the last time we ate at the dining room table. One can't walk anywhere in the house without stepping round, on or over her clutter I am no clean and tidy freak but I am not a slob either. This is just bullshit and I am freaking over it
Tonight while we were having this oh, so polite conversation, i quietly asked her if she had plenty of boxes and things to move her shit out because i intended to de-clutter the house in the coming weeks. i also slipped the knife in in that she needed to get her private and personal things out ASAP, because the first thing I would be doing woul be to hire a house keeper to come in a couple of days a week to help me out.. Once we get on top of this rats nest, I should be able to keep it all nice with the house keeper doing it easy. This also shook her some.
Very tired now. Will write more over the week end when I have MY HOME to myself.
The rule mentioned to you,how many people here are regretting them, and having them removed. Be simple, and careful with that!
Please wait until you are certain with your finances, before you commit to that mid-life crisis bike. There is no rush!!!
At least your home will become a home again. Be careful, as I don't have fricken clue as to the Aussie laws, but here, the wife can get 1/2 of everything, including.....well, I'd prefer not to say too much.....now that I think of it....she may be reading things here as you alluded to. Our dear friend, DadWithHope has had nothing but hell due to this.
So what you need to do, is check with the webmaster of this site, and change things out. Whether it is your name, your picture, whatever you need to do to be anonymous & confidential, or she'll know your every move.
Seriously, email DadWithHope, right away, and find out what happened. Do not tip off the cheater wife, why should you????
Do not throw caution to the wind!!! Just get your body out in the wind, feel the breeze, and gain some peace!!! Thinking of you, as I know you'll be in this huge event & process in less than a day from now!!! Peace!!!
It's tattoo time? I always wanted to get one and never found the nerve to actually see it through. I think if I would find that one special design, I would be all over it like a cheap prom date. But until then, I wait.
Mick, it still sounds to me like you are prepared and ready and getting your mind wrapped around this whole thing ... as best you can. Know we'll be around as this all comes to a head. When the reality strikes, we'll be here to listen.
This is what we do here.
Mick, how much do you see her at work? That is going to really stink for you. Hell, everyone has to have ONE place where they can get away from this and just BE for awhile. That place has to be sacred. You run into her at your job? That is brutal.
My work place got to be a sacred place for me. No one knew what was happening. I would work like a horse and use that avenue to blow off steam. It helped. Until they all caught wind of it - but that is another story for another day.
Still sending support and have talked to blondgal about our living pretty darned close to eachother and the possible road trip. LOL...wouldn't that be wild???
YEAH - we gots to stay in touch with DAD. What the hell???
Keep taking care of you. All of you...hell, if we can't understand eachother in all of this shit, who can???
L~
Sorry mate, I wasn't ignoring you. We must have been posting at the same time.
You raise some very good and valid points re both the tattoo and the motorcycle. here is the thing.
This won't be my first Tatt and is something I have been considering for over year. Certainly no a spur of the moment thing. It is all about the symbolism of the thing. Tomorrow will be the first day of my New Life.
Re the motorcycle, LOL a Harley or a Triumph would be a choice of the heart. I have had big motorcycles all of my life (except for the last 20 years or so) I gave up my much wilder days and bikes willingly to commit to this woman. Practicality and common sense tells me to go Japanese and they are producing some very classic cruiser style bikes now. Hell if need be, I can sell a few of my kayaks and pay for the thing outright. There is waiting list of people who want to buy my boats. LOL and I can allways build more.
This is more about returning to the real me as opposed to the man she wanted me to be.
I had the audacity to ask her for a favour this morning. that favour was to not flaunt her new man and relationship in front of me. Stupid move and it was treated with the derision and contempt it deserved.
In the end I got all hurt again and have had the shits all day. I again reminded her that she doesn't have to do this thing and that it is her choice. If she must go then to hell with it. I told her I am done and to pack her shit and get out. That set the tone for the day.
Blondgal, you speak perfect sense and legally, she is entitled to half of our total worth after the debts and mortgage are taken care of. - regardless of who contributed what. She knows this. We are both working and are very capable of supporting ourselves, so she has absolutely no claim on anything more than half.
I will and can pay her half of her bloody money just to be rid of her. With our current economic crisis, the home is worth about half of what it was a year ago, consequently the payout will likewise be half of what it would have been 12 months ago. I can do this. Things will be a little tight, but it is definately do-able.
L, thank you too, as always, very sage advice, You guys ar a goldmine here.
"This is more about returning to the real me as opposed to the man she wanted me to be."
"I had the audacity to ask her for a favour this morning. that favour was to not flaunt her new man and relationship in front of me. Stupid move and it was treated with the derision and contempt it deserved."
Your first comment there REALLY got my attention. YES and AMEN! Great mindset to be in while you are going thru all of this. So many times, we do adjust our lives to being WITH someone. We do that. When they matter to us and we want them IN our lives, we shift it around and change it - and adjust it. Then build a life with them. Then, bammmmm, the life together is gone. It may take some time, but we can take this as an opportunity to build the life we want and to 'come back to ourselves.' I call this the 'Hang the pictures where I want' stage. You may call it the 'Park your Harley where you decide' stage. I am sure, Mick, that you get what I am saying. Sure, it does call for a level of 'selfish' that we are not used to, but hell, if it makes you feel a bit better about all of this? Makes you think about opportunities rather than loss? Go for it...
Your second comment that I stole and reprinted? Sorry, and OH HELL, I may be a bit cranky this morning and 'not enough coffee' but...
Wasn't she the one to ask you to keep your ring on? Your earring? To have your request treated with 'derision' was crap. Not fair. Your request, at this time, was totally reasonable and a fair one, at that. You said 'it deserved' the derision. Nope, Mick. I have to disagree. Your request deserved respect. If you ever meant anything to her, it deserved respect and huge consideration. Sure, she is going thru a hard time too, but she should be considering what she is putting you thru and have some consideration for the man she called her HUSBAND for many years.
That is total crap. If she wants to be the wrecking ball in your life, so be it, but man, that was a bit low.
Not liking her at all today. Not giving her the benefit of the doubt. Not cutting her slack on this.
So...Robin...if you are following this...from one woman to another..."Consider having a bit of compassion for this guy who gave you his heart willingly. Fine, you need to find yourself, but destroying another person in the process? Not smooth. Not right. VERY uncool. If he asked you to keep it out of his face for some time, give him that - for the many years that he gave you willingly..."
On that note? I better stop. Get more coffee. Settle down. Pull it in...
Man, that pissed me off.
Have a great day, Mick and still sending support....
L~
That woman you speak of Mick will one day rue her choices in life. I promise you. She might be seeking herself right now and enjoying all the attention, but deep down inside, I'M CERTAIN OF IT, she's not happy with herself. She's just plain ol' lost. Months from now or maybe even years from now, she'll look back and mourn what she's done. You seem like too good a guy and a H for her to just flush it all down the toilet. That is, unless you're not telling everything about yourself. We all have our flaws in life, but it would have to a pretty major flaw in you for someone like your W to dissolve all that they've built in life and yet not look back with sadness when it's all gone. Make sense? Probably not.
Anyway, I'm hearing the sadness in your words and I'm sure this weekend is going to suck for you, but you've got the wisdom to know what to do. You wrote it yourself, so you must know. Just stick to what you know is the right path for now and hang strong.
-TheRule
It is very late here now and she has just gone off to her bed in this house for what probably will be, the last time. We are both dead tired after a long,difficult and emotional day.
We probably had the most civil conversation we have had in while tonight but I am just too damned drained to care that much at the moment.
Her comments today were in keeping with her conduct over the last three and a bit years so they should have been no real surprise for me.
Nevermind, tomorrow this house becomes mine and hopefully, the loneliness doesn't get too much for me. I am just so very lonely now. This is yet another new experience for me. I have allways relished my solitude and been pretty much content with my own company till she stole my heart.
While I am reasonable confident of finding a nice lady when I am ready, I don't think I will ever be able to love as completely again. L, I now understand where you are coming from with your fears and my heart goes out to you.
I still just can't believe what your maggot Ex told you. I think you are lovely. The man is clearly a halfwit. - his loss.
This place is rapidly becoming my second home. I hope to be able to offer some stuff to help others when my healing is done.
Love
Mick.
(I am so proud of us and this truly EPIC thread. Makes me giggle every time I see it increasing in size. We are AWESOME!)
Mick, it's good you are comfortable in your own skin and in your own solitude. I agree with therule that this weekend will be rough. Hollar if you need us.
(My lovely EX...you sound like my work buddies and thier comments. But let's remember that when those awful words were being said, not only did SPAM have his penis, but his mind. And if he could not stand up for me while being influenced by her? I figured that 1)he was not man enough for me. 2)he was not strong enough for me to trust him with my future and as my partner 3)that he was more 'gone to me' than I had originally estimated.
That's why he hit the curb.
Tell Robin that I would love to have coffee with her...and I promise to NOT hit her upside the head...
Really.
L~