Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
G'day guys,
I posted a while ago that I suspected my wife of 14 years was having an affair on me. All the usual red flags were there - all of them, but as yet, I still have no real proof that the affair actually existed. This has been going on for more than three years now,
Long story short,
It came to a head a couple of months ago, Accusations were thrown and heated words were exchanged after I caught her flirting with, and making doe eyes at a male co-worker. (he was and still is my prime suspect)
Shortly before this, and to his credit, this bloke approached me and asked me if I suspected him of having an affair with my wife. "because he felf a "vibe" coming from me (damn straight he did) and that he had been hearing rumours. - bullshit, I had never mentioned my suspicions to anyone there. We all work at the same place though I am in a different section.
I told him staight out of my suspicions and that if i ever got proof, two things would happen.
1. I would bury him.
2. I would tell his wife
not necissarily in that ordr.
This prick is a male slut, has cheated on his wife several times that I know of and even left her and their little child once for another woman. He is constantly hitting on all and sundry females at our work. Pretty much anyone with a pulse. Most of the women I talk to can't stand him because he is such a sleazy basterd. they all tell a similar story of his hitting on them. -You get the idea.
When I told him my intentions, the colour drained from his face and i think I saw real fear there.
When my wife and I had our strong words, she told me she was leaving. that it was all over etc etc and for once, my spine grew some bones and I said fine. Advised her of the reality that she had better see a lawyer because I allready had and that we should start packing the following day. We would both have to move out of our house, get the valuers in and start negotiations re a settlement because I was damned if I was just going to just walk away and give her anything without a fight.
For the first time in all our troubles, she actually broke down and cried and I left her to it..
The following morning, i was sitting by the computor when she came out and for the first time in three years, she initiated a sign of affection. (a little thing) She touched me affectionately on the arm as she walked past on her way to the bathroom. All my hard arse resolve melted and like the lap dog that I am, I also melted.
Shortly after this, things started to improve a bit and a couple of weeks later we went away on vacation. We did the whole romantic thing, staying is real nice places, rain forest cabins with spar and log fire etc etc, drank lots of wine, lots of eye contact, talked nicely a lot and even made love often and like we used to. It was bloody great! and I thought we were back on track.
At the end of the holliday, we returned home to work and reality and for a couple of weeks or so, things continued as they were while we were away. bloody brilliant! Lots of affection and cuddles, Lots of eye contact and plenty of great sex. I am a simple man - what can I say?
Over the past couple of weeks or so, I have noticed my wife gradually but surely pulling away from me. Less and less eye contact, finding excuses not to make love and rejecting affection and fearing that she was reverting back to her old nasty self, 4 nights ago I asked her if she was pulling away from me again. What was wrong? she said she didn't know.
Three nights ago, while I was cookng dinner, she came out and it was clear something was troubling her. she came into the kitchen and burst into tears and told me she just "can't live the lie anymore" that she no longer loves me that way that she used to or the way that I want her to. that I am a "good man" and that I deserve better.
This bloody gutted me and it seems clear to me that she is looking for an easy way out. She has broken my heart again, Just when the trust was starting to build and I thought we were making progress. i can't help myself from analysing everything she says and does looking for things to be suspicious of - again.
We had a calm, deep and meaningful discussion that night when all the time, I just wanted to smack her in the mouth. I have never struck a woman in my life and view any man who does with contempt and as being a coward.
The guts of the matter is that we are both in our 50's, though my wife looks much younger than her years (bitch) :)) and is still a VERY attractive woman. She is the most desireable woman I have ever met.. We are both comfortable in our home and are safe with each other. I told her this and tried to reason logically with her about why she would possibly want to throw it all away on some whim. I urged her to think rationally and that even if she is having an affair (which she denied) Does she think that any other man would put up with her radical mood swings, inconsistencies and all the other bullshit that i have - for as long as I have. It got ugly again. For the record, she is not menapausal..
Yesterday morning, i stayed home from work and we made love, and it was the best sex we have had in years, and the first daylight sex in much longer than that . I stayed home because I thought she had made arrangemens to meet her maggot while I was at work and i was determined to fuck that up on her..
Afterwards, She said in a passing comment, "Wow, that is the best daylight sex i have had in ages"
My problem is this. My wife and i haven't had sex during the day time in a very long time. Probably about 8 years. what the hell is she talking about? did she slip up? or am I being paranoid?
Afterwards, I felt dirty and used. what the hell is going on here? Am I losing my mind?
I posted a while ago that I suspected my wife of 14 years was having an affair on me. All the usual red flags were there - all of them, but as yet, I still have no real proof that the affair actually existed. This has been going on for more than three years now,
Long story short,
It came to a head a couple of months ago, Accusations were thrown and heated words were exchanged after I caught her flirting with, and making doe eyes at a male co-worker. (he was and still is my prime suspect)
Shortly before this, and to his credit, this bloke approached me and asked me if I suspected him of having an affair with my wife. "because he felf a "vibe" coming from me (damn straight he did) and that he had been hearing rumours. - bullshit, I had never mentioned my suspicions to anyone there. We all work at the same place though I am in a different section.
I told him staight out of my suspicions and that if i ever got proof, two things would happen.
1. I would bury him.
2. I would tell his wife
not necissarily in that ordr.
This prick is a male slut, has cheated on his wife several times that I know of and even left her and their little child once for another woman. He is constantly hitting on all and sundry females at our work. Pretty much anyone with a pulse. Most of the women I talk to can't stand him because he is such a sleazy basterd. they all tell a similar story of his hitting on them. -You get the idea.
When I told him my intentions, the colour drained from his face and i think I saw real fear there.
When my wife and I had our strong words, she told me she was leaving. that it was all over etc etc and for once, my spine grew some bones and I said fine. Advised her of the reality that she had better see a lawyer because I allready had and that we should start packing the following day. We would both have to move out of our house, get the valuers in and start negotiations re a settlement because I was damned if I was just going to just walk away and give her anything without a fight.
For the first time in all our troubles, she actually broke down and cried and I left her to it..
The following morning, i was sitting by the computor when she came out and for the first time in three years, she initiated a sign of affection. (a little thing) She touched me affectionately on the arm as she walked past on her way to the bathroom. All my hard arse resolve melted and like the lap dog that I am, I also melted.
Shortly after this, things started to improve a bit and a couple of weeks later we went away on vacation. We did the whole romantic thing, staying is real nice places, rain forest cabins with spar and log fire etc etc, drank lots of wine, lots of eye contact, talked nicely a lot and even made love often and like we used to. It was bloody great! and I thought we were back on track.
At the end of the holliday, we returned home to work and reality and for a couple of weeks or so, things continued as they were while we were away. bloody brilliant! Lots of affection and cuddles, Lots of eye contact and plenty of great sex. I am a simple man - what can I say?
Over the past couple of weeks or so, I have noticed my wife gradually but surely pulling away from me. Less and less eye contact, finding excuses not to make love and rejecting affection and fearing that she was reverting back to her old nasty self, 4 nights ago I asked her if she was pulling away from me again. What was wrong? she said she didn't know.
Three nights ago, while I was cookng dinner, she came out and it was clear something was troubling her. she came into the kitchen and burst into tears and told me she just "can't live the lie anymore" that she no longer loves me that way that she used to or the way that I want her to. that I am a "good man" and that I deserve better.
This bloody gutted me and it seems clear to me that she is looking for an easy way out. She has broken my heart again, Just when the trust was starting to build and I thought we were making progress. i can't help myself from analysing everything she says and does looking for things to be suspicious of - again.
We had a calm, deep and meaningful discussion that night when all the time, I just wanted to smack her in the mouth. I have never struck a woman in my life and view any man who does with contempt and as being a coward.
The guts of the matter is that we are both in our 50's, though my wife looks much younger than her years (bitch) :)) and is still a VERY attractive woman. She is the most desireable woman I have ever met.. We are both comfortable in our home and are safe with each other. I told her this and tried to reason logically with her about why she would possibly want to throw it all away on some whim. I urged her to think rationally and that even if she is having an affair (which she denied) Does she think that any other man would put up with her radical mood swings, inconsistencies and all the other bullshit that i have - for as long as I have. It got ugly again. For the record, she is not menapausal..
Yesterday morning, i stayed home from work and we made love, and it was the best sex we have had in years, and the first daylight sex in much longer than that . I stayed home because I thought she had made arrangemens to meet her maggot while I was at work and i was determined to fuck that up on her..
Afterwards, She said in a passing comment, "Wow, that is the best daylight sex i have had in ages"
My problem is this. My wife and i haven't had sex during the day time in a very long time. Probably about 8 years. what the hell is she talking about? did she slip up? or am I being paranoid?
Afterwards, I felt dirty and used. what the hell is going on here? Am I losing my mind?
Se what I mean about the good advice coming to you? TheRule is always on point.
Keep taking care of you!
L~
Raj, Thanks mate. I will ask more information shortly.
L. your words and your sisters words (may she rest in peace) have touched me deeply. Very good advice there.
the Rule,
Mate, I have read several of your posts on here. they are consistently clear, concise and to the point. i enjoy them immensly.
Either hairy or mick is fine with me. I am hairymick on several other forums I visit. I get both all the time. I am who I claim to be in my profile and my story is true and current. i believe my wife has develloped the IT expertise to track where I go on this computor and I no longer give a rats arse if she does or not. I suspect she may also be posting here under some pseudonim or other - probably not this forum, but have been unable to find anything that reads like her writing style.
Robin, if you do read this, you will know that what I am saying here is true. Read carefully and know that I mean what I say.
My wife is a mystery to me. Thursday night - I think it was, she told me all the stuff I mentioned in the earlier post, I was gutted all day Friday, saturday she made love to me like she used to and today she is carrying on, playing "happy familes" all over again like nothing has happened.
Currently, I am a little bemused by it all and have sort of decided that either she is losing her mind, or I am - or the is trying to fuck with my head even more than she allready has.
L, again, yes my friend, I do see what yuou mean. just beingg able to share my somewhat jumled thoughts here from time to time is an enormouse help. the support and calming words of wisdom are priceless.
I will keep posting here if it OK and periodically update my journal.
Here? I found my situation was not so unique and unusual. I wasn't so damned alone in it all. His lies and games? Nothing new to this group. Where my heart and head were at? Again, nothing new here. Someone always came thru with support or encouragement, or that brutal honesty that I needed to hear.
Hope we all do the same for you now.
So your wife is now acting like 'all is well?' How is that really hitting you? Do you think she wants to get past it or is just trying to be your wife again????
Keep taking care of you, L~
I am very tired and very drunk just now so forgive me if I ramble on a bit..
Last night, we made love! and during which she gave me oral, but much more that that, it actually felt like she ws making love to me with her mouth - and her. how my heart sand!! I would have died for her there and then,.
Afterwards, she told me she loved me "in her own way" what ever the hell that meant - but nevermind, all as just fine with the world -. you know what I mean.
Men are such fools!
Toight, I came home from work after dwelling on what she had said all day and after a couple of sweet Aussie red wines, asked her exactly what she meant by "loving me in her own way"
Her reply and I quote, "The only way I can put it is that i love you but I am not in love with you" - oh shit.
A few more reds and I pressed her about this some and it seems that the advice previous in this thread is spot on the mark.
Nevermind, we had another D&M (deep and meaningful)- oh so polite and courtious where I told her my thoughts on the matter.
Either she was a very clever bitch and trying to get me to just move out and give her everything - or
she didn't know what she wanted and was prepared to throw away all we had worked for over the last 20 years..
I went on to explain my thoughts -.
Either she had found what she thinks of now as the love of her life or she is prepared to crush me on what is nothing more than a whim on her part. and again throw evreything away on a "whim"
i again explained to her that i had sought legal advice and advised her to do the same and again told her that my advice was that the very best she could hope for was 50 percent. and that i was not prepared to just walk away from this,
She was the one throwing our lives in the scrap heap and that i had no intention of helping her make this easy for her.
Much more D&M where I explained to her the facts of life as i see them and much more lovely red wine consumed in front of the fire place and i am afraid i told her the facts of life a little too starkly for her liking She has gone off to her bed and I am left here with our/my dogs and this computor, talking to people who I don't know and bearing my soul to them.
Nevermind, i am set in my resolve and know in my heart that i have done nothing to deserve this bullshit. Robin,, I now know that you are reading this ( but are kidding that you aren't).
The time for your childish games is over. I will no longer play in your stupid game and you can piss off - or stay - as you choose. Know however,, that there will be consequences for YOUR actions.
perhaps you crave a man who beats you up jus like your last one, or the one before that. and so on. Who the hell knows?
Woman, know this, I LOVE you but will not tolerate your bullshit anymore. You have tormented and humiliated me in front of my peers, - tortured my mind beyond endurance and now you are just giving me the shits.
Piss off or stay, your choice. Right now, i feel like going out and picking up some whore and and i know that at least, she will pretend for a little while, that she likes me. - and you can get stuffed!.
.
That is a very common statement for wayards....especially women where most, not all, fall in out of love with their husbands and in love with their cheating partner. Once back it will take a sometimes long while to fall back into love again.
This just drives me nuts - that she is doing this with you. The long making love to you and then this? Mick, there is only so much one person can take. She is driving you to that point. I am so sorry she is. Man, I really thought, for some reason, that she would come around. What is this game she is playing? Does she even understand it????
Seems she doesn't like the cold, brutal truth of the entering attorneys and divisions that may take place, so she goes to the bedroom and closes the door. She needs to hear this. Because you are human and can only be torn so much. Perhaps you already have? Past your breaking point?
Man, I am sorry.
Seems she is torn too? Her words and her actions do not mesh, Mick. NO meshing here.
So very sorry.
...and sure, we have never met in this group. None of us. We may be the biggest group of complete strangers. But there is no better group of strangers we can be a part of right now.
Very there for you now, L~
He had unprotected sex with me, after (in effect) having had sex with all his hooker's clients, once removed. I have had to be tested for everything imaginable, but am fortunate not to have caught something.
After all this, my stbx styles himself as abused and victimized. I find that position quite insane.
I mention this because it seems like the same kind of disconnect your partner is applying. It is as if reality just doesn't enter into their thinking once the affair addiction takes over.
Horrible as all this is to recover from, as a victim without any say in the matter.... worse still to be like them. Hugs to you my friend. i hope you get to the bottom of what is really occurring and that you will care for yourself. We are here for you!
I have no clue what the hell is going on with her. I don't think I could have spelled things out as I see and feel them, any more clearly than I did last night.
I am in the process of shutting down now and trying to shift over into survival mode.
In my very fuddled state last night, when I did my last post, I forgot to log off or even turn the computor off. She noticed this morning and when she got the browser up and running, guess what was on front page. My last post.
Nevermind, I am now certain that she knows I have been here and am likewise, pretty sure she will come back discreetly and read all. - good.
I guess I should have posted this thread in the breakups and divorce forum
Oh crap. So now she has seen all of those thoughts that you have been having? And confiding here? Ouch. Hope you are alright.
Maybe she needed to see it in black and white?
Sending support, as always...L~
Yeah guys, i am doing sort of OK for now. I think the enormity of what is going on might finally be starting to sink in to Robin.
If an affair actually took place or even still is taking place, seems pretty much irrelevent now. Robin is making no admissions. as I tried to explain to her last night, I can sort of understand if some other bloke has swept her off her feet and she sees a future for herself with him. At least that would make things add up a little for me and would be a logic that I can understand.I would hate it but i could understand it happening.
This just makes no sense at all. If things are in fact, as she claims them to be she will be throwing everything away for a whim or a fantasy. I guess it is her choice in the end.
She asked me twice today if I wanted her to move out. of course I said, "No." I want her back and I want this bullshit to end. I think she might be sort of hoping I say yes - then she can claim that i kicked her out. (as if I could do that anyway) And that that fact might allow her to feel better about herself and in some way allow her to justify to herself at least, what she is doing.
If she decides to leave and end the marriage, it will be her decision alone and she will be responsible for it. If at a later date, she decides that she has made the mistake of her life, she will have no way of shifting the blame onto me for forcing her out.
That is my reasoning anyway.
If as she claims, there has never been an affair, my question is why did she keep taunting me with so many obvious signs of one? threatoning me with my best friend etc. etc. Was sh trying to se how far she could push me? or did she feel such contempt for me that she just didn't care?
She told me she doesn't understand either and I think there might be a little truth in that.
Nevermind, I am just sort of venting here again,
I had chest pains at work all day today but they are gone now. Today was one of the rare days that we worked the same shifts (in different sections) so we travelled in to our work together. I can see that she is also "doing it tough" now in that she is also heavily stressed. Previously, it was clear to me that she didn't give a shit and I think that her fantasy, whatever it is, overrode the reality and the consequences her actions would have.
There is some comfort for me in this.
Now that my spine is growing back and I am making a stand, I can feel my emotional strength returning and my resolve is also firming all the time. I will no longer be the simpering little maggot that she turned me into. This is in part of course, my fault for allowing it to happen in the first place but I was desperate to keep my comfortable little world intact.
My defences are in place and I am as prepared as I can be for the worst should it come to that. Interestingg times are ahead I think.
Guys, thank you all so much for your very kind words and thoughts. just having this pace to write down my thoughts as they come to me is an enormous help to me. Having you guys here has made the difference for me between surviving this terrible thing or otherwise. i will keep posting to this thread and do my best to keep everyone updated.
Oh yeah, it is a bit of a PITA that she has found this thread but there is nothing here that i have not allready told her anyway. Who knows, she might even post her thoughts on here too. Rob, if you read this, I invite you to do so.
Second, since you suspect your W may be reading all of your posts, then I'd suggest you keep all of the documents, recordings, and video surveillance you talked about in your private post to me VERY secretive. You don't want her to destroy all the hard proof you have in the event she doesn't wake up from her stupidity and decides to challenge you for all of your possessions. ;-).
Stay strong, stay sober, and stay true to yourself. Best wishes.
-TheRule
I am sorry you are going through the same horseshit that I am. it is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. Know however, that no matter how bad things might seem to you at the moment, there are others here who have been there and done it all before you. We are here for you mate.
the Rule, What can I say?
You are very perceptive indeed and have words of wisdome in abundance. You advice is duly noted.- thank you.
Re alcohol, Mate, I am not a heavy drinker by any standard but at the moment a few glasses of very good chilled Aussie sweet red before the fireplace on these cold winter nights is about the only comfort outside of this place that I have. They help me sleep, and numb the anguish to a degree.
I am not a violent man at all and certainly not a fighting drunk. The other night was the first time i have been properly drunk in a very long time and I left it till after she went to bed before i did the number on myself that I did. but thanks for the thoughts anyway. Don't worry, I have no intention of doing anything stupid.
OK, here is the deal as my lawyer explained it to me.
Australia has a "No Fault" attidude in its family law. What that means is that it is irrelevent if one party is a cheater or not. it will have no bearing on the division of assets or settlement.
When there are no dependent children (all of ours have grown up and moved away) and both parties are capable of supporting themselves, All things aquired during the course of the relationship or their value are divided 50/50. In exceptional circumstances this might vary a very little in favour of one party or the other, but as a general rule 50/50 is applied.
Now based on that and my very rough (at the moment) guesstimate of our total worth, I think I can afford to buy her out of her share - just It wil mean my going heavily into debt.
In her own words, and even though we earn similar money,, she has no chance of being able to buy me out. She seems unable to live within her means. She would deny this of course, but the reality is that she regularly asks me to "help her out" with some of HER bills and other things. Unless she has, or finds a fool like me who is prepared to dig deep into his pockets on a regular basis, she will find herself destitue very quickly - inspite of the very good money she earns herself.
This goose has laid its last golden egg however. The well is now dry and she will have to sink or swim on her own so to speak. yet another consequence of her actions that she probably didn't think through.
My resolve seems to be strengthening every day now. in future, if she asks me if I want her to move out, my answer wont be in the negative but will be something like do what you want. It is your choice.
I just saw her off to work this morning. I am gonna do something for myself today.
P.S If Mrs HM is reading this.....SNAP OUT OF IT!!!! I mean that nicely!!
We both have kids to previous marriages. She has a daughter who I think is gutted. I have raised her like my own.
I have two kids who stayed with their mother and never became really close to Robin. I think that they are concerned for me - is all..