Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
G'day guys,
I posted a while ago that I suspected my wife of 14 years was having an affair on me. All the usual red flags were there - all of them, but as yet, I still have no real proof that the affair actually existed. This has been going on for more than three years now,
Long story short,
It came to a head a couple of months ago, Accusations were thrown and heated words were exchanged after I caught her flirting with, and making doe eyes at a male co-worker. (he was and still is my prime suspect)
Shortly before this, and to his credit, this bloke approached me and asked me if I suspected him of having an affair with my wife. "because he felf a "vibe" coming from me (damn straight he did) and that he had been hearing rumours. - bullshit, I had never mentioned my suspicions to anyone there. We all work at the same place though I am in a different section.
I told him staight out of my suspicions and that if i ever got proof, two things would happen.
1. I would bury him.
2. I would tell his wife
not necissarily in that ordr.
This prick is a male slut, has cheated on his wife several times that I know of and even left her and their little child once for another woman. He is constantly hitting on all and sundry females at our work. Pretty much anyone with a pulse. Most of the women I talk to can't stand him because he is such a sleazy basterd. they all tell a similar story of his hitting on them. -You get the idea.
When I told him my intentions, the colour drained from his face and i think I saw real fear there.
When my wife and I had our strong words, she told me she was leaving. that it was all over etc etc and for once, my spine grew some bones and I said fine. Advised her of the reality that she had better see a lawyer because I allready had and that we should start packing the following day. We would both have to move out of our house, get the valuers in and start negotiations re a settlement because I was damned if I was just going to just walk away and give her anything without a fight.
For the first time in all our troubles, she actually broke down and cried and I left her to it..
The following morning, i was sitting by the computor when she came out and for the first time in three years, she initiated a sign of affection. (a little thing) She touched me affectionately on the arm as she walked past on her way to the bathroom. All my hard arse resolve melted and like the lap dog that I am, I also melted.
Shortly after this, things started to improve a bit and a couple of weeks later we went away on vacation. We did the whole romantic thing, staying is real nice places, rain forest cabins with spar and log fire etc etc, drank lots of wine, lots of eye contact, talked nicely a lot and even made love often and like we used to. It was bloody great! and I thought we were back on track.
At the end of the holliday, we returned home to work and reality and for a couple of weeks or so, things continued as they were while we were away. bloody brilliant! Lots of affection and cuddles, Lots of eye contact and plenty of great sex. I am a simple man - what can I say?
Over the past couple of weeks or so, I have noticed my wife gradually but surely pulling away from me. Less and less eye contact, finding excuses not to make love and rejecting affection and fearing that she was reverting back to her old nasty self, 4 nights ago I asked her if she was pulling away from me again. What was wrong? she said she didn't know.
Three nights ago, while I was cookng dinner, she came out and it was clear something was troubling her. she came into the kitchen and burst into tears and told me she just "can't live the lie anymore" that she no longer loves me that way that she used to or the way that I want her to. that I am a "good man" and that I deserve better.
This bloody gutted me and it seems clear to me that she is looking for an easy way out. She has broken my heart again, Just when the trust was starting to build and I thought we were making progress. i can't help myself from analysing everything she says and does looking for things to be suspicious of - again.
We had a calm, deep and meaningful discussion that night when all the time, I just wanted to smack her in the mouth. I have never struck a woman in my life and view any man who does with contempt and as being a coward.
The guts of the matter is that we are both in our 50's, though my wife looks much younger than her years (bitch) :)) and is still a VERY attractive woman. She is the most desireable woman I have ever met.. We are both comfortable in our home and are safe with each other. I told her this and tried to reason logically with her about why she would possibly want to throw it all away on some whim. I urged her to think rationally and that even if she is having an affair (which she denied) Does she think that any other man would put up with her radical mood swings, inconsistencies and all the other bullshit that i have - for as long as I have. It got ugly again. For the record, she is not menapausal..
Yesterday morning, i stayed home from work and we made love, and it was the best sex we have had in years, and the first daylight sex in much longer than that . I stayed home because I thought she had made arrangemens to meet her maggot while I was at work and i was determined to fuck that up on her..
Afterwards, She said in a passing comment, "Wow, that is the best daylight sex i have had in ages"
My problem is this. My wife and i haven't had sex during the day time in a very long time. Probably about 8 years. what the hell is she talking about? did she slip up? or am I being paranoid?
Afterwards, I felt dirty and used. what the hell is going on here? Am I losing my mind?
I posted a while ago that I suspected my wife of 14 years was having an affair on me. All the usual red flags were there - all of them, but as yet, I still have no real proof that the affair actually existed. This has been going on for more than three years now,
Long story short,
It came to a head a couple of months ago, Accusations were thrown and heated words were exchanged after I caught her flirting with, and making doe eyes at a male co-worker. (he was and still is my prime suspect)
Shortly before this, and to his credit, this bloke approached me and asked me if I suspected him of having an affair with my wife. "because he felf a "vibe" coming from me (damn straight he did) and that he had been hearing rumours. - bullshit, I had never mentioned my suspicions to anyone there. We all work at the same place though I am in a different section.
I told him staight out of my suspicions and that if i ever got proof, two things would happen.
1. I would bury him.
2. I would tell his wife
not necissarily in that ordr.
This prick is a male slut, has cheated on his wife several times that I know of and even left her and their little child once for another woman. He is constantly hitting on all and sundry females at our work. Pretty much anyone with a pulse. Most of the women I talk to can't stand him because he is such a sleazy basterd. they all tell a similar story of his hitting on them. -You get the idea.
When I told him my intentions, the colour drained from his face and i think I saw real fear there.
When my wife and I had our strong words, she told me she was leaving. that it was all over etc etc and for once, my spine grew some bones and I said fine. Advised her of the reality that she had better see a lawyer because I allready had and that we should start packing the following day. We would both have to move out of our house, get the valuers in and start negotiations re a settlement because I was damned if I was just going to just walk away and give her anything without a fight.
For the first time in all our troubles, she actually broke down and cried and I left her to it..
The following morning, i was sitting by the computor when she came out and for the first time in three years, she initiated a sign of affection. (a little thing) She touched me affectionately on the arm as she walked past on her way to the bathroom. All my hard arse resolve melted and like the lap dog that I am, I also melted.
Shortly after this, things started to improve a bit and a couple of weeks later we went away on vacation. We did the whole romantic thing, staying is real nice places, rain forest cabins with spar and log fire etc etc, drank lots of wine, lots of eye contact, talked nicely a lot and even made love often and like we used to. It was bloody great! and I thought we were back on track.
At the end of the holliday, we returned home to work and reality and for a couple of weeks or so, things continued as they were while we were away. bloody brilliant! Lots of affection and cuddles, Lots of eye contact and plenty of great sex. I am a simple man - what can I say?
Over the past couple of weeks or so, I have noticed my wife gradually but surely pulling away from me. Less and less eye contact, finding excuses not to make love and rejecting affection and fearing that she was reverting back to her old nasty self, 4 nights ago I asked her if she was pulling away from me again. What was wrong? she said she didn't know.
Three nights ago, while I was cookng dinner, she came out and it was clear something was troubling her. she came into the kitchen and burst into tears and told me she just "can't live the lie anymore" that she no longer loves me that way that she used to or the way that I want her to. that I am a "good man" and that I deserve better.
This bloody gutted me and it seems clear to me that she is looking for an easy way out. She has broken my heart again, Just when the trust was starting to build and I thought we were making progress. i can't help myself from analysing everything she says and does looking for things to be suspicious of - again.
We had a calm, deep and meaningful discussion that night when all the time, I just wanted to smack her in the mouth. I have never struck a woman in my life and view any man who does with contempt and as being a coward.
The guts of the matter is that we are both in our 50's, though my wife looks much younger than her years (bitch) :)) and is still a VERY attractive woman. She is the most desireable woman I have ever met.. We are both comfortable in our home and are safe with each other. I told her this and tried to reason logically with her about why she would possibly want to throw it all away on some whim. I urged her to think rationally and that even if she is having an affair (which she denied) Does she think that any other man would put up with her radical mood swings, inconsistencies and all the other bullshit that i have - for as long as I have. It got ugly again. For the record, she is not menapausal..
Yesterday morning, i stayed home from work and we made love, and it was the best sex we have had in years, and the first daylight sex in much longer than that . I stayed home because I thought she had made arrangemens to meet her maggot while I was at work and i was determined to fuck that up on her..
Afterwards, She said in a passing comment, "Wow, that is the best daylight sex i have had in ages"
My problem is this. My wife and i haven't had sex during the day time in a very long time. Probably about 8 years. what the hell is she talking about? did she slip up? or am I being paranoid?
Afterwards, I felt dirty and used. what the hell is going on here? Am I losing my mind?
She is waiting around for you most probably because she knows the same thing too.. :))
Sounds wonderful!! :P
Keep us posted!! :)))
Even when you are on cloud #9.. ;-)
BTW, when are we having a party?? ;-) Hehe..
Mycomputor has been crashed for the last couple of days. sorry.
I have just spent a few days with a lady who is probably the nicest person I have met in my life. - Sussanne. I call her Suzy.
She tells me that she is in love with me and I care for her a great deal. She is everything that I could possibly want in a woman and a life partner but my feelings for her are not the same as the way she feels for me.
The hurt continues and I am taking things sloooow. I have been completely honest with Suzy in this and she has seen me in my dark moments and been there for me. I think I could be using her and I despise myself for this.
She tells me that she understands and that she has also suffered depression etc and that she wants nothing more from me than I can, or am prepared to give. Her niceness and complete decency is hard for me to handle. I am so unused to it that it that I keep expecting to be cut off at the knees again. Is this fear rational or even normal?
I have no idea. Whatever, I trust Suzy completely and we have exchanged the keys to each other's houses. Over the past few days, I have come home, to find her here and she has been steadily cleaning my house for me unasked. She even went into my old bedroom, the one I lived in when my X was here and made a start on cleaning it. After the X moved out of the house, I shut the doors and just left that room as it was. It was the room that I cried in and spent so many sleepness nights in. I call it the pain room and just haven't been able to face it. Much of the pain is gone from that room now and with her lovely woman's touch, she is restoring some love to this big, sad old building.
I only hope that I can learn to love again. At the moment, the best I can do is be nice, Do what I can for Suzy and be there for as a best friend and lover when she wants me to be. I have told her all this of course and we have agreed to just sort of sit back and see where this "relationship" takes us. I can give her no more than that at the moment.
Robin,
I know that you will read this.
You have hurt and betrayed me in ways that I thought you would never be capable of. I still love you and ache for you, but we can be no more. You have to know that. Please, also know, that I have no interest in hurting you or your lover. Neither, do I wish either of you well. Karma will take care of things.
I could attack you in public here and elsewhere. You know this. but I won't. I could spell out the details of EXACTLY what you have done, when, where and how, but I wont. Like wise, I could discreetly pass the salient bits on to your new employer - but I wont.
You have rolled your dice, so to speak. Just know, that I know.
You are running with dogs. It is enevitable that you are going to get fleas.
Meanwhile, I plan for my retirement. Yes, I will actually be able to do that now. Housing prices here are BOOMING again since the settlement ROFL, You got a pittance compared to what MY property is now worth !! LOL LOL, and guess what? you can't come back for a second bite of the cherry! It is a done deal. As i steadily work on this place and spend a few K here and there, the value continues to increase out of all proportion to the money I spend.
How long will your blood money last? a year - two perhaps? certainly no more than that - not the way you are spending it.
Oh yeah, did I mention that my friends are coming round regularly now? The fire pit and the stone circle are also working wonders. If I cared enough to want to hurt you, I would post images here and in my facebook page of the beautiful Pagan Ladies who visit regularly and of some of the rituals we work in MY PLACE.
Happy Mabon!!!
'Is this fear rational and normal?'
Yup. It is. It so very much is. Come on, stop being so hard on yourself and all. You and I relate, Mick. We see eye to eye, don't we? Can I take you back to when we believed in a 'forever?' When we believed in 'always?' And then, my friend, we had the cold taste of reality smack our ASSES and we have come to a point where we KNOW we have to deal with it.
Your fear is totally normal. Damn, honey, it better be. I have been dealing with that fear and facing it for years now. You know this, seeing as I have turned to you in many of those joyous occassions. Soooo, how can our fear be unnormal after what we have seen? I would say, if someone can go thru what we have, and NOT have that fear, there is something seriously wrong with thier hard wiring.
I think we go on. We do. We simply go on.
I remember one day, when this was all going down, way back when, and I was waking up and the sun was out and the birds were chirping and the phone was ringing and the friends were calling and the neighbor was hanging our her laundry to dry and the kids were up and down the street playing...and I thought, 'How can this be going on out there? Don't they realize that my entire world has just stopped? STOPPED???'
I took a deep breath...and saw that the world was not going to stop because of my EX's affair, because of my pain. It would go on. I could either get on with it or not. On that day, I decided to go on.
On some level, Mick, you have also decided to go on. You are still out there, with friends, working, biking, kayaking, cooking, dating...and going on. On some level, you too made the decision to go on in spite of it all.
Good for you.
All these glitches and hitches, Mick. They have to be normal. Hearts break - and we pick up the pieces and hope to put it back as best we can, but damn, it may not ever be quite as whole as it was. It can't be, after that kind of shattering. (Sometimes, I still find a piece missing, or one that I thought I had lost forever...still pulling it all together.) You will too.
Your heart has a great capacity to love. I choose not to give up on love and I don't think you choose to either. I am not talking about the great love, the once in a life time love, the forever love - but the day to day love of my family and friends and puppies and co-workers...and finally, somewhat...that good, solid love of another person. (Can I say this about my Man? It's good to play the game with someone who plays by the same rules...!!!!)
Still sending you support, Mick. You'll always have that from this side of world.
XXOO L~
L~
-TheRule
Well Mick, your writing seems very healthy to me. It has a lot of ups and downs, but covered so dang much! You have been thru the wringer of wringers, and yet, you are still out there, not crying in that sad, lonely, isolated room anymore. I think it's great that Suzy has come into your life, and removed the spell cast upon you there, in the past. I'm sure, from the sound of things, that you will continue to make new memories in that big ol house. Sounds like you alreay have! And that's testimony to moving on. It seems that you have always been able to move on, even in the midst of the turmoil.
Now, there's a little anger left and resentment towards Robin, as we would expect. I think you did damned well, controlling that, cuz like you have said, you could have let things get out of control, and where would you be now??? Not enjoying your home, with the enjoyable remodelling tasks, but behind bars. So Kudos to you, for keeping everything in check. But actually, I like you how mentioned all that you could do to her, it is so true, and yet can be held over her head for a lifetime!!!
Hmm....your facebook page....Why not post a few pix up there???lol It's a sweet revenge, when one just lives their life out to their fullest, and that is enough, really....a form of poetic justice!! And that is more your style than seeking the other kinds of revenge. Maybe you can post some of your hot women friends, and cover their faces, "to protect the innocent". lol
I do believe that you are right, about her blowing her blood money, sooner than later. Hell, she probably already spent half of it, on sleazy lingerie, wasn't that one of her favorites??? lol
And rest assured, "You reap what you sow, and sow what you reap". Karma has got her long fingernails into this one, for sure. It's a matter of time, and you'll be hearing her sob story again, even tho she is the one who created it, hung on to it for dear life, and will go down with the sinking ship! All I can say is
"Robin, you are a fool, very selfish, stupid, not thinking of the entire picture. You did Mick, dirty, real dirty, by not "playing by the rules". If all knew your story, with your full account of activities, people would just gasp! You have stooped low, very low, and you know it! That's it, and enjoy the lingerie, but don't forget to leave a few bucks for Dr. visits". Karma knows your name, and karma knows your game!
"L" I love you like a sister. You know that. You have been right there beside me throughout this horrible thing. Even tho you had your own problems, you were allways there with a kind word and support. Likewise The Rule and Blondie. Thank you so much.
Yesterday afternoon, I had another one of my lil melt downs LOL no particular reason or trigger - it just sort of happened.
I rode west, about 100 miles to a very small outback town, booked into a hotel and had dinner there and a few beers in the bar. Spoke with complete strangers, played some pool and didn't even get into a fight. LOL I am so proud of that LOL.
Nevermind, I guess the point of my post here is that when I came home this morning, not quite bright eyed or bushy tailed, LOL I felt re-charged somehow.
Miss suzy had left a message for me inviting me down to her place tonight for dinner - curried lamb. Oh Yum. I just love curries and all things hot and spicey - another thing I was denied in my former life.
Life is so good for me now in so many ways that I just don't understand this lingering bitterness or even my little melt downs. I have so much to be grateful for that I sometimes forget. Not least, of course is the wonderful support I have recieved from so many very good people here.
200 posts + oh my, this is just getting absurd. LOL i re-read this thread in its entirety from time to time and think back on where I was at Last July and where I am at now. The saga is truly epic and it is due in no small part to the wonderful people here.
Re Piccies of our rituals on facebook,, Nah, I don't think so. Sometimes the imagination is far more creative than the real thing LOL.
There are 4 months and two weeks till I can file for divorce (not that I am counting LOL) Gonna have a BIG party that night.
Love to you guys,
Mick
Can I ask why you have to wait so long to file? Is it a law or something?
Your need to 'launch' sometimes...yup, I get that and can relate.
When all this was hitting the fan for me, I was working like crazy, taking a writing class (How fun!) and trying to deal with the divorce, the loss of my sister, problems with my daughter, moving, getting settled, the job situation, having my kids full time on my own, my Dad's failing health, the entrance of SPAM, too much to really deal with effectively, Mick. Way too much.
I know, at one point, I had to write a paper. Now, the instructor and I got to be pretty tight. She was great. She would really let me let loose in these papers. Just pour it all out. So, these papers and all really saved my life at that time.
I remember writing a paper about grieving and I called it 'those black rooms that I have to visit inside me from time to time, as if I am paying them homage to appease them, so they don't take over and rule me. I stop in, seem to crawl in, curl up and break down...just break down...and then, after some time, I get up, brush me off and close the door. Go back to my life of everyday normal until they call again. And they did call. I would return, break down, pay them homage, appease them, to silence them for a bit...'
Somehow, I know this will all make sense to you. If I hadn't allowed myself to break down occassionally, I would have broken down completely eventually. And having those kids of mine did not allow me the luxery.
Is that how it is with you? Does this resonate a bit?
When the class was done, the instructor fished me over here, to this support group, to keep working it out and pouring it out. Some days, I am here for me and some days, more days than not now, I am here for others.
Mick, still sending support your way, from my side of the earth, along with Rule and Blondie. I think you will get what I am saying. Totally. You always do.
Stay in touch and keep enjoying all things spicey!
L~
Well, I totally get what you said, and am sure Mick will too! You have such a way with words, and it helps a lot of us here! Thanks again, L, for your persistence, consistency, and insight in being here for so many! Gosh, would almost seem as if you are not working a real job, just replying here full time. But I know it is a high priority, and it shows!
@ Mick
Well you do seem to have some wonderful moments, thank God! I think that ,
perhaps, you are expecting far too much from yourself.
It's not all gonna be roses, and shitting sunshine! In between, will most likely be the depth of hell! Partly cuz I 'm not certain, that you had a full closure of any sort. Firstly, Robin played games from the start, for about 3 years. Since July, she revved it up, quite a bit, was distant, was mysterious, needed her "own space", was screwing this guy, and yet, insisted she didn't know! Yet, she allowed herself to come back to you time and time again, and likewise you accepted her in the home as well as your heart time & time again.
They say, that healing takes at least as long as the duration of the affair, minimally. So, if indeed, it was 3 years of uncertainlty, in your marriage, which was like a rollercoaster.....one can expect that it would take about that much time, to get over the entire process of grieving! But, in your case, I do believe it will take less, cuz you are a quick study, lol!!!
The sooner, you get this wench out of your life, and the sooner, you get that divorce paper, or dissolution of marriage papers in your little grubby hands, the better, and the quicker you will be able to move on. It's hard to move on completely after such a wake of devastation she left behind. I'm referring to all the details you shared with me! Thanks for trusting in me, cuz it really gives me a much better picture of who you are, as well as the opportunity to think ahead, and try to help you. When we are amidst the muck and mire, it's very hard to be objective.
But you know, Mick, we have gotten quite attached to you, ol Bloke! You know we have your back! You know we are rooting for you, praying for you, and talking with you; all the things that you do need to gain the strenth, stamina, courage, and resolve to move ahead.
Now, you know that I am a pragmatist, and being analytically inclined more than some would like, I do have one more suggestion, which I hope you take to heart! The best and quickest way I believe to continue to further assist you, would be to continue with therapy, a bit longer. Do this for yourself. Allow the professionals to guide you thru this ridiculous maze, cuz ridiculous it is! It's a wonder that you are doing what you are doing.
It's a wonder that you still work, play, and move on! That's a huge , very h uge testimonial of what a super, person you are. It shows h uge strength. But nonetheless, there's alot of overflow, old hurts, old angers, old depression which still lurks beneath the sometimes calmed waters. So, if you can address them now, I think that you may be able to avoid, some huge breakdowns!
You are sweet, handsome, intelligent, loving, and a very capable man! However, you are just human! I think, at times, that you are attempting to gloss over, and be super-human. Let's accept our strengths, weaknesses, and all. But let's also accept that you were wronged in a huge, devastating way, and there is no getting around that. Even if you were in a coma, you would wake, and still know what occurred.
Please, think about it. It's not fun, nor glamourous, plus takes a bit of work, and may be inconvenient! But professional counseling, I believe would assist you in ways which are indescribable, to be able to bounce back, wholly, and be actually ready for the next phase of your life.
Like I said, you may have 9 lives, but you may not have 9 soul-mates in this universe. I'd hate to see ya blow it again, cuz you weren't really ready, nor had processed the heinous devastation that you have endured. You are certainly worth it. Consider squeezing in at least one appt. per week, cuz little do you know......
you could well be experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder, and that truly needs to be addressed in order for you to function, daily in a physical, emotional, and spiritual way!
God bless ya baby! Sending ya huge support, tons of hugs, and a few prayers your way!
hun in australia, there is a "no fault" clause in divorce law. all that is needed is to be seperated for a year and then either party can file.
Beautiful sister, I so get everything you said. I know the "black Rooms" very well and I call them "the darkness" I have visited often. You would know this from some of my FB entries. Looking forward to chatting with you again soon Hun.
Blondie, thanks hun. I think you are correct about Suzy. As she weaves her way into my life and works her own magick on my home, she is transforming both my home and me. She is a remarkable woman. I sometimes just sit back in awe of the goodness and obvious decency in her. Such a change from what I had become used to.
Re the counselor. Thank you but I have been and have little to no faith in them. They are not magicians and have no answers. They are there just to listen and ask "how do you feel about that?" etc etc.
I know some people find them helpful but I consider them to be little more than charlitans. There is way better counselling right here from people who are experiencing the same things and actually have some clue what they are talking about (just my opinion)
For now Hun, I will tough it out, piss off on my bike when-ever I feel the need and take my time in healing.
Loveand hugs to the both of you.
Mick
Some counselors may indeed be charletans, but there are some very good ones, too. I know that I'm very analytical, and sometimes, they bring out issues that I have not considered enough. Also the main thing I found most helpful, was the validation I received. By having someone, anyone, with credentials acknowledge your pain, it helps to pass thru it. Since they are not nearly as involved in the drama as us emotionally, they often have more problem-solving strategies, and can point out things to us, we often don't see. K enough said, will get off my campaign for counselling.
But I am glad that you recognize the goodness in Suzy. Just don't want ya to lose her like Cher, unless it's a mutual decision. That would be different! Cuz, i know that you indeed,can be happy again, but you also need to rid yourself of that poison that was so deeply inbedded in you, with an indelible knife! But, then, you know this, so.......
On that note, I will just say! Enjoy yourself, be good to yourself, and don't do things out of spite because you deserve them, and Robin treated you like crap! Do things cuz you want to, because it's a good decision for you! I wish I could just erase it all with "white out" for you, and give ya a clean slate, my friend. Wouldn't that be nice, if we could just erase a few months of the past, and never have it haunt us again???? If so, that person would indeed be onto something, and be a millionaire!!!
Sending you support as usual, big hugs n kisses, and lots of sunshine your way!!! x0x0x0x0
Now what in the holy firecracker was I talking about? Oh yeah. My REAL point that I wanted to stress is this: I feel, and this is just me and my thinking, that your nightmare with Robin will not just 'poof' off into never-never land once the D is final. I believe there is some very deep scarring from your ordeal that sadly will be with you for much longer than you'd ever imagine. It's very evident from all your words that what you have gone through is so very painful. It's almost a torturous death she dealt you. But fortunately, you didn't die. You persevered through it all and came out of it stronger. But scarred you are my friend.
So what's the point of such a depressing message like that you ask? Well, the point I'm making is that I UNDERSTAND how you could not be completely into this new Suzy. Sadly for her, she may have just come about at the very wrong time in all of this. Had it been before Robin, or maybe in another year from now, you'd look upon her with fresh, clear, untarnished eyes. But with the hell that you're about to be pardoned from, Suzy just isn't getting the full Mick that she hopes to get. She sees everything she wants in you, but you still see yourself as only part-way whole. Some of that shattered soul you're trying to piece back together is still missing and until enough time has gone by and until you find it, there will continue to be a little bit of emptiness you show towards Suzy. And quite frankly, I believe that after these monumental tear-downs of our life, I'm not sure one CAN ever get whole again. For me, I'm starting to think that I will not ever regain the full spirit that I held inside of me prior to all of this. I just can't see it right now.
Please tell me I'm way off base with this and my sad, miserable state concocted this most dreary rendering of life after betrayal. Yeah? Well, I'm sorry if that's the case. Not trying to say you're there, but I can see how you could be. The anger, the hurt, the reluctance, the memories. Hell, I think I'm describing myself more than you.
Sorry for the rambling. It's late, I'm sick, and I need to sleep. With that, I'll sign off.
-TheRule
Mate, you just described my life exactly!
This is just so unfair on Suzy that it hurts me too. She has told me that she wants to help me heal and she is, but there is just so much more of me that I would love to be able to give her, but for now, I just can't.
I think we are both just shadows of our former selves. they say time heals all wounds but I am in no position to know if this is true or just more feel good bullshit.
I think that it is probably a bit of both. After something like this, we remain essentially the same as we were before, but at the same time, changed for ever as well.
Stronger but more frightened, wiser in some ways but we do silly things.
There is no doubt in my mind that she was the love of my life and that I will never be able to love as completely as I loved her.
But she is gone now. I grieve, and rage and at times, still wallow in self pity but these things seem to be easing.
Blondie, re my FB page, I have just got through deleting all her photoes there LOL. I know you are busting to have a look at her so I will try to fine one and post it to my album - for a short time anyway. I want my albums to be things of beauty and love, not evil.
I am a Gramma, as of yesterday, for the first time! My daughter, (YUP Blondie) had her little girl yesterday. Most adorable and I am tickled pink. Man, I wish I didn't have to work today!
Alright, the counselor thing? Mick and all? I can relate. A good counselor can work wonders and get you moving in a good direction. A bad counselor can make you wish you could put a bullet to your head. I have ran into both and know what you are saying, Rule.
Ultimately, you are 'with yourself.'
Pieces and parts of that shattered heart can come together, but I agree, they may never be quite the same as they were before. Not entirely. How can they be? That would be like telling someone with a gunshot wound that there will be NO scar when it's all said and done. Soooo, go ahead and accept the scars for what they have shown you and given you - seriously. A bit more wisdom, a bit more truth, and bit of growing up...
Sure, the scars are there but I would like to say that I like who I am WITH the scars. The scars have, at times, gotten my legs a bit tangled as I move forward. The scars have also motivated me to keep moving to merely SPITE them. It totally depends on the outlook, I suppose. (Me? I have adamantly refused to ever give up loving people, reaching out...I refuse to let this scar me to that point - where I am a shell of a person. But hey, that's just me...)
Mick, I see you as picking up the pieces and going on IN SPITE of the scars. With or without counseling. Period.
Rule, having a bad day? Sending support, K?
L~
I think that, the finality of it will occur, after the divorce, and after she actually comes clean and apologizes whole-heartedly. Even tho we don't really want to hear from the perpetrator of the crime, it's better to hear an apology, than not. And then it's up to us to decide if, and when we chose to forgive. Even tho the apology can't erase the long-term abuse, it validates us, and reminds us that we never deserve such negative treatment.
And, the best I can offer is: watch for triggers in future relationships so the new woman isn't paying for Robin's past errors, but by the same token, watch for anyone who even hints at disrespect, dishonesty, and negativity. Dump those arses without explanation, as you don't really owe one to anyone, if they were guilty of the above.
But they say humans are highly resilient, and I believe that. But it also takes a lot of soul-searching to decide if we want to be that person, who has the capacity to move on, who knocks out the negative chatter in our brains, and allows the heart to heal enough, so that it can still hold space for a special love. But some kind of healing has to occur, or that love will fall right thru that hole in the heart, and our soul will be somewhat empty.
With a lot of introspection, soul-searching, and good decision-making involving deciding to be who we choose to be, there is hope. We all have to have hope, what else do we have to hang on to???
So here is a gift of hope to you, dear friend, wrapped with lots of our support, understanding, and patience as you navigate these waters. We're throwing ya a life support, now, for the future, should you need it! When things get very grim for me, regarding people who have hurt me, I just repeat a mantra to myself which is:
Consider the source. Consider who they really are! And this was all about them, and their choices, and shouldn't reflect me. They would have done to to others. I just happened to be in their line of fire, and now they tried to force me into the guillotine, but they didn't accomplish it. The never will! I have a choice to remain angry, sad, victimized, and all the negative stuff, or I have the choice to recapture who the best of me is, where they get no power over me again. They had power over me in the midst of it all, in the past. But, damn it, they aint gonna also have power over me in my future! Good riddance, and after I cry enough, feel bad enough, feel victimized enough, I'll know when I'm ready to cocoon myself with some creature comforts, and this little caterpillar will get to have a metamorphis, and change into a butterfly with wings. First, I'll crawl, as a caterpillar does, then I shed my pain, and eventually I know, I will rid myself of that cocoon, and fly away again. I can follow nature, and nature and I will get through it.
Thank God for kissing us with his sunlight, embracing us with his wind, and surrounding us with good people who are there to pick us up, when and if we need it!!! We're here for ya Mick!