Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
G'day guys,
I posted a while ago that I suspected my wife of 14 years was having an affair on me. All the usual red flags were there - all of them, but as yet, I still have no real proof that the affair actually existed. This has been going on for more than three years now,
Long story short,
It came to a head a couple of months ago, Accusations were thrown and heated words were exchanged after I caught her flirting with, and making doe eyes at a male co-worker. (he was and still is my prime suspect)
Shortly before this, and to his credit, this bloke approached me and asked me if I suspected him of having an affair with my wife. "because he felf a "vibe" coming from me (damn straight he did) and that he had been hearing rumours. - bullshit, I had never mentioned my suspicions to anyone there. We all work at the same place though I am in a different section.
I told him staight out of my suspicions and that if i ever got proof, two things would happen.
1. I would bury him.
2. I would tell his wife
not necissarily in that ordr.
This prick is a male slut, has cheated on his wife several times that I know of and even left her and their little child once for another woman. He is constantly hitting on all and sundry females at our work. Pretty much anyone with a pulse. Most of the women I talk to can't stand him because he is such a sleazy basterd. they all tell a similar story of his hitting on them. -You get the idea.
When I told him my intentions, the colour drained from his face and i think I saw real fear there.
When my wife and I had our strong words, she told me she was leaving. that it was all over etc etc and for once, my spine grew some bones and I said fine. Advised her of the reality that she had better see a lawyer because I allready had and that we should start packing the following day. We would both have to move out of our house, get the valuers in and start negotiations re a settlement because I was damned if I was just going to just walk away and give her anything without a fight.
For the first time in all our troubles, she actually broke down and cried and I left her to it..
The following morning, i was sitting by the computor when she came out and for the first time in three years, she initiated a sign of affection. (a little thing) She touched me affectionately on the arm as she walked past on her way to the bathroom. All my hard arse resolve melted and like the lap dog that I am, I also melted.
Shortly after this, things started to improve a bit and a couple of weeks later we went away on vacation. We did the whole romantic thing, staying is real nice places, rain forest cabins with spar and log fire etc etc, drank lots of wine, lots of eye contact, talked nicely a lot and even made love often and like we used to. It was bloody great! and I thought we were back on track.
At the end of the holliday, we returned home to work and reality and for a couple of weeks or so, things continued as they were while we were away. bloody brilliant! Lots of affection and cuddles, Lots of eye contact and plenty of great sex. I am a simple man - what can I say?
Over the past couple of weeks or so, I have noticed my wife gradually but surely pulling away from me. Less and less eye contact, finding excuses not to make love and rejecting affection and fearing that she was reverting back to her old nasty self, 4 nights ago I asked her if she was pulling away from me again. What was wrong? she said she didn't know.
Three nights ago, while I was cookng dinner, she came out and it was clear something was troubling her. she came into the kitchen and burst into tears and told me she just "can't live the lie anymore" that she no longer loves me that way that she used to or the way that I want her to. that I am a "good man" and that I deserve better.
This bloody gutted me and it seems clear to me that she is looking for an easy way out. She has broken my heart again, Just when the trust was starting to build and I thought we were making progress. i can't help myself from analysing everything she says and does looking for things to be suspicious of - again.
We had a calm, deep and meaningful discussion that night when all the time, I just wanted to smack her in the mouth. I have never struck a woman in my life and view any man who does with contempt and as being a coward.
The guts of the matter is that we are both in our 50's, though my wife looks much younger than her years (bitch) :)) and is still a VERY attractive woman. She is the most desireable woman I have ever met.. We are both comfortable in our home and are safe with each other. I told her this and tried to reason logically with her about why she would possibly want to throw it all away on some whim. I urged her to think rationally and that even if she is having an affair (which she denied) Does she think that any other man would put up with her radical mood swings, inconsistencies and all the other bullshit that i have - for as long as I have. It got ugly again. For the record, she is not menapausal..
Yesterday morning, i stayed home from work and we made love, and it was the best sex we have had in years, and the first daylight sex in much longer than that . I stayed home because I thought she had made arrangemens to meet her maggot while I was at work and i was determined to fuck that up on her..
Afterwards, She said in a passing comment, "Wow, that is the best daylight sex i have had in ages"
My problem is this. My wife and i haven't had sex during the day time in a very long time. Probably about 8 years. what the hell is she talking about? did she slip up? or am I being paranoid?
Afterwards, I felt dirty and used. what the hell is going on here? Am I losing my mind?
I posted a while ago that I suspected my wife of 14 years was having an affair on me. All the usual red flags were there - all of them, but as yet, I still have no real proof that the affair actually existed. This has been going on for more than three years now,
Long story short,
It came to a head a couple of months ago, Accusations were thrown and heated words were exchanged after I caught her flirting with, and making doe eyes at a male co-worker. (he was and still is my prime suspect)
Shortly before this, and to his credit, this bloke approached me and asked me if I suspected him of having an affair with my wife. "because he felf a "vibe" coming from me (damn straight he did) and that he had been hearing rumours. - bullshit, I had never mentioned my suspicions to anyone there. We all work at the same place though I am in a different section.
I told him staight out of my suspicions and that if i ever got proof, two things would happen.
1. I would bury him.
2. I would tell his wife
not necissarily in that ordr.
This prick is a male slut, has cheated on his wife several times that I know of and even left her and their little child once for another woman. He is constantly hitting on all and sundry females at our work. Pretty much anyone with a pulse. Most of the women I talk to can't stand him because he is such a sleazy basterd. they all tell a similar story of his hitting on them. -You get the idea.
When I told him my intentions, the colour drained from his face and i think I saw real fear there.
When my wife and I had our strong words, she told me she was leaving. that it was all over etc etc and for once, my spine grew some bones and I said fine. Advised her of the reality that she had better see a lawyer because I allready had and that we should start packing the following day. We would both have to move out of our house, get the valuers in and start negotiations re a settlement because I was damned if I was just going to just walk away and give her anything without a fight.
For the first time in all our troubles, she actually broke down and cried and I left her to it..
The following morning, i was sitting by the computor when she came out and for the first time in three years, she initiated a sign of affection. (a little thing) She touched me affectionately on the arm as she walked past on her way to the bathroom. All my hard arse resolve melted and like the lap dog that I am, I also melted.
Shortly after this, things started to improve a bit and a couple of weeks later we went away on vacation. We did the whole romantic thing, staying is real nice places, rain forest cabins with spar and log fire etc etc, drank lots of wine, lots of eye contact, talked nicely a lot and even made love often and like we used to. It was bloody great! and I thought we were back on track.
At the end of the holliday, we returned home to work and reality and for a couple of weeks or so, things continued as they were while we were away. bloody brilliant! Lots of affection and cuddles, Lots of eye contact and plenty of great sex. I am a simple man - what can I say?
Over the past couple of weeks or so, I have noticed my wife gradually but surely pulling away from me. Less and less eye contact, finding excuses not to make love and rejecting affection and fearing that she was reverting back to her old nasty self, 4 nights ago I asked her if she was pulling away from me again. What was wrong? she said she didn't know.
Three nights ago, while I was cookng dinner, she came out and it was clear something was troubling her. she came into the kitchen and burst into tears and told me she just "can't live the lie anymore" that she no longer loves me that way that she used to or the way that I want her to. that I am a "good man" and that I deserve better.
This bloody gutted me and it seems clear to me that she is looking for an easy way out. She has broken my heart again, Just when the trust was starting to build and I thought we were making progress. i can't help myself from analysing everything she says and does looking for things to be suspicious of - again.
We had a calm, deep and meaningful discussion that night when all the time, I just wanted to smack her in the mouth. I have never struck a woman in my life and view any man who does with contempt and as being a coward.
The guts of the matter is that we are both in our 50's, though my wife looks much younger than her years (bitch) :)) and is still a VERY attractive woman. She is the most desireable woman I have ever met.. We are both comfortable in our home and are safe with each other. I told her this and tried to reason logically with her about why she would possibly want to throw it all away on some whim. I urged her to think rationally and that even if she is having an affair (which she denied) Does she think that any other man would put up with her radical mood swings, inconsistencies and all the other bullshit that i have - for as long as I have. It got ugly again. For the record, she is not menapausal..
Yesterday morning, i stayed home from work and we made love, and it was the best sex we have had in years, and the first daylight sex in much longer than that . I stayed home because I thought she had made arrangemens to meet her maggot while I was at work and i was determined to fuck that up on her..
Afterwards, She said in a passing comment, "Wow, that is the best daylight sex i have had in ages"
My problem is this. My wife and i haven't had sex during the day time in a very long time. Probably about 8 years. what the hell is she talking about? did she slip up? or am I being paranoid?
Afterwards, I felt dirty and used. what the hell is going on here? Am I losing my mind?
Great point, theRule. I could not be with a man who's heart still belongs to someone else either. I don't think any of us could.
L~
But TheRule, you rock. You said it more eloquently than me, and more to the point, but I agree with you wholeheartedly. Still love ya Stecker, but my concern is that I don't want Cher to land up only being a diversion, or an opportunity to prove to himself, that Mick is still desirable, and hasn't lost his "mojo".
Now, Mick, you already know that, cuz that was proven. The part that makes me uncomfortable was that 2 day stint, lovemaking to Robin, not once but twice. Seems like circumstances played into that for sure, with your dear sweet dog passing. I get that, but it would take a hell of a lot more for me, to jump back in the sack with a women who has wavered and not reciprocated love. So you both sound confused.
Now let's take a look at Cher's perspective shall we? Does she know this occurred? I would think that if she did, it would be disconcerting, unless she's a free spirit, and doesn't care. Hmmm....regardless, then it doesn't sound that deep. I just don't want to think it's that "revenge sex" thing, cuz I don't personally see how that helps anyone at any time, other than attempting to make the W feel unbalanced, and to let her know or think, that you are over her.
Again, from all our conversations and posts, I'm still not convinced that it is truly completely over with Robin. Now, if I'm wrong, then that is completely another matter. So if that love is dead, and over so to speak, then cut the umbilical cord, so that she cannot be knots in your rope, confuse the situation more, compete and divert your attention & love. This way you are a free enterprise, and can do as you wish!
If it is over, then what is holding you back from making it legal, and making it a clean cut. Remember that video tape theory? If what you do is being taped constantly, would you say that you are fine with it? Fine for all to view, with no compunctions, no remorse, no hiding things, all out in the open? If the answer is no, then something obviously is wrong, or not settled.
I just want you, Mick, to enter this relationship with Cher, on the up & up, completely honest & transparent, so that neither she nor you gets hurt. This way you avoid complications of the heart, and many other complications. It almost seems like you've already decided, so if you have, then don't allow Cher to play the role of other woman, cuz legally you are still married.
I know that I'm nit-picking here, but that's what friends do. Again, it is your choice, your life, and your consequences. Bottom line is I don't want to see anyone getting hurt, especially after all the hurt, confusion, anger, frustration, and stuff you have already encountered not too long ago.
Does that make sense Mick?
You raise many good points. I hope you hear mine that Cher may be a good thing and well...I don't need to rehash. You get it...
Later, baby...you rock! L~
You are the best, L~
Thank you for your well thought out and worded posts here. I am taking all advice onboard, believe me.
It is very definately all over between Robin and I and we are trying to work through the process as imacably as possible.
Yes, I still love Robin. I will probably allways love her but there has been way too much damage done to ever let her back into my life - even if she wanted that. She tells me that she doesn't.
Re Cher, I have been honest with her and she knows all. She is starting to get pissed with all of Robin's new found "neediness" for lack of a better word, and understandably so.
But the settlement requires a degree of civility between Robin and I and at this time it is NOT in my interest to make an enemy of Robin and I have no desire to do this anyway.
As I forge ahead in my new Path and strive toward creating a new life - at least for myself, I read some of my older posts here with a degree of wonder at the man I once was and no small level of surprise at the man I am now. My strength and confidence continues to return daily and I am about at the stage where I can make the hard decisions and stick to them again.
I spend most of my online time now "Chatting" with Cher when we are not together and I am heading down to her place tonight after work for the week-end. It seems I passed the girlfriend test last week-end and am to meet more of them this week-end LOL.
I don't know if Cher is "the one" for me yet but more and more, I am learning to trust her judgement and we do enjoy each other's company a lot. I am frightened of hurting her but at the same time, can't seem to get enough time with her. She has been and is, like a breath of fresh air in my life after all these years of breathing in the putrid stench of decay and deciet.
I know now, without a shadow of a doubt that I can have a very good life - without Robin being the major part in it - or any part at all for that matter, if necessary - but this is entirely her decision. She has dealt the hand of cards that she now holds and responsibility for her decisions and actions and the consequences thereof are hers alone. - Karma.
Throughout, I have tried my best to conduct myself with honesty and integrity even though I have stumbled a few times. I thank the Godd/ess for you guys being here to pull me up when needed and to get me back on track.
This is, indeed, an epic thread and I apologise to the Admin/moderators for that - but it really has been a lifeline for me in the worst times of my life. Admin/Mods, you need to know that members here, literally saved my life on the night Robin left. They know who they are and I have thanked them personally.
L please send you friend in my direction. Any friend of yours is a friend of mine hun, no question about that.
Love and Respect,
Mick
Say Hey to Cher. I hope you continue to enjoy her company.
Also, I very much understand your point on still having those lingering feelings for Robin. I get that. I always say, we can love someone but, if they are not good for us, we don't have to BE with them. Robin went off the deep end a bit. She may have not been too good for you anymore. I hope you have nothing but happiness now...and peace, my friend.
Yup, I saw Racer was looking up this thread. He posted that on HIS thread. You'll be rocking for him. I know that.
Much love, Aussie, buddy...L~
Just want you to know, that I'm not judging you or the situation! I just want you to avoid getting hurt, both you and Cher! She seems to be a lovely person, and I'm glad that you have refound you confidence! Also very good to hear that you've been honest with her, about all of this!
So in that case, ya got my blessings! Just be careful, and don't start making new babies just quite yet!
It has been a while so i thought it time to bring this Epic to an end. It is the very least I could do after all the months of support and advice I have received here.
Robin Left this area in late December 2009 and moved to North Queensland, about 1,000 miles away. It is a very good thing that she did this when she did.
A few weeks after she left, the details of what she has been up to started to come to light. She had to know that I would keep on digging till I found out all that I could. LStecker and Blondgal are privy to the gory details and they have my permission to share with my friends here should they enquire. Or, I will tell all myself in private messages, if asked.
My humiliation and shame are complete. She has betrayed me at every level. Physically, emotionally, financially and professionally. I am not at liberty to disclose in public forum the nature of her professional betrayals but will do so privately if asked.
Had I had this information before she left, I could very well be in custody myself now, and looking at a lengthy jail term.
As it is, I sit here with grinding sadness as I write this. I ache for her still, inspite of the magnitude of her betrayals and the fact that I have mortgaged my soul for the divorce settlement I am now in debt for a sum that I have no chance of repaying in my lifetime should I keep the house. But it is a done deal.
The good news is that there is a new lady in my life. She is the whole package with interests being allmost identical with mine and she treats me very well indeed. Any man would be lucky to have her. She has told me that she loves me and I believe her. The problem is that I don't love her and I don't know if I ever can love again anyway.
I have told her all this of course, but she has decided to hang in there and just be there for me. Why the hell would she do that? I am a deeply flawed human being now, prone to bouts of depression and sadness I broke Cher's heart and I fear I will do the same with Susanne.
I met Susanne through an internet dating sight with the stated intention of finding a friend only but oh, how the lines get blurred with stuff like this. We very quickly became lovers as well. Even tho she is everything that I could possibly want in a woman and I like her very much, I just can't seem to get that "loving" feeling for her. How can this be? It just makes no damned sense to me.
So there you have it in the briefest way I could post this. Details are available but I am just not up to posting them here.
Love to you guys,
Mick
Being there for you as been my pleasure and honor thru all of this. Who else can truly understand this but those that have been thru this?
There are so many new people here and I hope they take the time to read this. They would enjoy it. It's actually GOOD READING.
Mick, my Aussie friend, I have to say this, that you fear you have lost your capacity to love. You fear that you are too damaged to move on in a complete fashion. You fear your bouts of depression and inner turmoil. This is something we all go thru, even on our best days. That 'chasing ourselves around in our heads,' that 'can I really do this again.' I still do that at times. We all do.
But you, with your big heart...I cannot see that you will ever lose your ability to love completely. Maybe a bit wiser in the future, a bit more cautiously, but love nonetheless. It has a way of creeping up and blowing you away. Don't lose faith in yourself in this regard.
That will come back in time. It will. I have faith in you.
What do I base this on? Am I crazy? Am I presumptuous? No, not at all. You know, you have been my solid for some time now. Even in the midst of your pain, I have reached out to you for good, solid advice and you have never let me down. Never. Honey, if you were damaged beyond all recognition, you would have never reached back to me, to help me in my pain. You would have said, 'Damn woman bugging me now...forget her...' You didn't. Your heart is still a live thing. A bit battered right now, but still a live thing.
...and like I said...in my journal...sometimes bodies can say what words can't, Mick (giggle giggle) There is nothing wrong with that.
In short, I'll stand on my statement about your ability to love again - with both feet...and my cape...and some cheerleader outfit...pompons...because I do feel that strongly about it.
...or how's about this? Simply refuse NOT to love...
Always there for you. Count on it, would you?
L~
L~
I certainly don't know all the details that the wise ~L and Blondegal know, but I remember enough. I don't have any words of advice here as I'm not in your shoes and what you've experienced...well it's just a huge a-bomb that hit you and no one deserves that.
All I can say is I think I understand just where you're coming from. The whole infidelity, betrayal, deception, destruction of it all takes a non-reversable toll on the victim. I also think it takes a toll on the betrayer, but who cares about them, right? For you, I understand how the thought of loving again is foreign to you. When you've just had your entire history with someone uprooted and then sent through a chipper, it's hard to see any sign that you can trust and love again. I only hope for you that through much time, you'll get there. You'll be far enough past this huge nastiness that it won't consume you like it has over the past 6 months (?) or so.
On a positive note, you have to think that you're not a bad catch for the ladies down under. You seem to have no trouble making lady-friends, so pat yourself on the back for that! And also, if you don't mind, I'll use your hand-crafted kayak-making skills as my reason to travel to Australia. Not sure how to get it back to the States?
Take care!
-TheRule
You got the 3 Musketeers, joining you in Aussie land: Miss l, myself, and the Rule! Look out, here we come from America, ready to rabble-rouse, drink your wine, and have a good time!
Well, my compadres, better start saving! I just got my last paycheck, and I'm saving it, for this! Actually, I'm good to go!
Mick, it was great to hear from ya today. Ms. LStecker, i didnt' even know he was back, until I got my long-awaited email! And, the Rule, I guess this is one way of meeting you, finally, in kayak-land!!!
Sorry, to hear about Cher. Don't want to be saying it.....but y'all know, I was very worried for her, and tried to dissuade you Mick, many times, cuz I figured.....someone's heart would be broken.
Too late to change things now....as long as we learn from our mistakes......guess there's a reason for the lesson! I j ust h ope that we all can learn from our mistakes.....and that we all don't have to do an "instant replay" too often, or bang our heads against the wall too much, to finally get the lesson.
Are you reading between the lines, Mick???? You know me to be totally honest without mincing words, or thoughts, and getting to the chase. Please tread ever so softly, and very carefully in your new path with Suzanne. If she is everything you say, which I tend to believe, try to avoid breaking her heart too! What can we say?
The ladies fall in love with you quickly!
But with time, you can heal. And until you process the old Robin regime of betrayals, I'm thinkin..... part of your heart will not ever be available, even if you find your soulmate. So don't blast past all these terrific women (Cher & Suzanne), not fully ready, equipped, and able to enjoy who and what they are all about.
Okay, so you know, I love making predictions. Here it is, that Cher is your soul-mate, and that you may not fall in love with Suzanne. That you will finally go to therapy, process all those emotions, and over time, be prepared to give fully of your loving, wonderful, spirit, heart, and soul (and it might be Cher). Regardless of who it is, it will be the best yet, and only then will you be able to see, what you had with Robin paled in comparison. You'll see she was a farce, a fake, and that the soulmate will be the real McCoy!!!
But, Mick, I fear that this will not occur, very soon, and also not until y ou address the old baggage, which you have been left with, as well as have lived for over 3 long years. Long time......to hurt....means takes some time to heal. I, personally think you could be a realatively quick healer. Just count your blessings, that you have many opportunities.
So the big question is: What are you doing with those opportunities??? I'd hate to see you meet the real agape love, with the real soul-mate whilst your were unprepared, and not capable of returning that very special love. You may have nine lives, ol Bloke, but I don't think that we get 9 perfect women for a lifetime, and I 'd hate to see ya waste them, cuz you didnt' follow up with the therapy!
Okay, nuf said, ya got the point! You're a big boy! And let me know what you think! I can't force anything, but only tell ya like a true friend, what I think would be a great formula for success, with the least heart ache experienced for all!!!
Best wishes! And let us know when you are ready to receive 3 crazy guests from the US of A!!!!
I will post more from home tonight. i am at work at the moment.
She is waiting around for you most probably because she knows the same thing too.. :))
Sounds wonderful!! :P
Keep us posted!! :)))
Even when you are on cloud #9.. ;-)
BTW, when r we having a party?? ;-) Hehe..