Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
G'day guys,
I posted a while ago that I suspected my wife of 14 years was having an affair on me. All the usual red flags were there - all of them, but as yet, I still have no real proof that the affair actually existed. This has been going on for more than three years now,
Long story short,
It came to a head a couple of months ago, Accusations were thrown and heated words were exchanged after I caught her flirting with, and making doe eyes at a male co-worker. (he was and still is my prime suspect)
Shortly before this, and to his credit, this bloke approached me and asked me if I suspected him of having an affair with my wife. "because he felf a "vibe" coming from me (damn straight he did) and that he had been hearing rumours. - bullshit, I had never mentioned my suspicions to anyone there. We all work at the same place though I am in a different section.
I told him staight out of my suspicions and that if i ever got proof, two things would happen.
1. I would bury him.
2. I would tell his wife
not necissarily in that ordr.
This prick is a male slut, has cheated on his wife several times that I know of and even left her and their little child once for another woman. He is constantly hitting on all and sundry females at our work. Pretty much anyone with a pulse. Most of the women I talk to can't stand him because he is such a sleazy basterd. they all tell a similar story of his hitting on them. -You get the idea.
When I told him my intentions, the colour drained from his face and i think I saw real fear there.
When my wife and I had our strong words, she told me she was leaving. that it was all over etc etc and for once, my spine grew some bones and I said fine. Advised her of the reality that she had better see a lawyer because I allready had and that we should start packing the following day. We would both have to move out of our house, get the valuers in and start negotiations re a settlement because I was damned if I was just going to just walk away and give her anything without a fight.
For the first time in all our troubles, she actually broke down and cried and I left her to it..
The following morning, i was sitting by the computor when she came out and for the first time in three years, she initiated a sign of affection. (a little thing) She touched me affectionately on the arm as she walked past on her way to the bathroom. All my hard arse resolve melted and like the lap dog that I am, I also melted.
Shortly after this, things started to improve a bit and a couple of weeks later we went away on vacation. We did the whole romantic thing, staying is real nice places, rain forest cabins with spar and log fire etc etc, drank lots of wine, lots of eye contact, talked nicely a lot and even made love often and like we used to. It was bloody great! and I thought we were back on track.
At the end of the holliday, we returned home to work and reality and for a couple of weeks or so, things continued as they were while we were away. bloody brilliant! Lots of affection and cuddles, Lots of eye contact and plenty of great sex. I am a simple man - what can I say?
Over the past couple of weeks or so, I have noticed my wife gradually but surely pulling away from me. Less and less eye contact, finding excuses not to make love and rejecting affection and fearing that she was reverting back to her old nasty self, 4 nights ago I asked her if she was pulling away from me again. What was wrong? she said she didn't know.
Three nights ago, while I was cookng dinner, she came out and it was clear something was troubling her. she came into the kitchen and burst into tears and told me she just "can't live the lie anymore" that she no longer loves me that way that she used to or the way that I want her to. that I am a "good man" and that I deserve better.
This bloody gutted me and it seems clear to me that she is looking for an easy way out. She has broken my heart again, Just when the trust was starting to build and I thought we were making progress. i can't help myself from analysing everything she says and does looking for things to be suspicious of - again.
We had a calm, deep and meaningful discussion that night when all the time, I just wanted to smack her in the mouth. I have never struck a woman in my life and view any man who does with contempt and as being a coward.
The guts of the matter is that we are both in our 50's, though my wife looks much younger than her years (bitch) :)) and is still a VERY attractive woman. She is the most desireable woman I have ever met.. We are both comfortable in our home and are safe with each other. I told her this and tried to reason logically with her about why she would possibly want to throw it all away on some whim. I urged her to think rationally and that even if she is having an affair (which she denied) Does she think that any other man would put up with her radical mood swings, inconsistencies and all the other bullshit that i have - for as long as I have. It got ugly again. For the record, she is not menapausal..
Yesterday morning, i stayed home from work and we made love, and it was the best sex we have had in years, and the first daylight sex in much longer than that . I stayed home because I thought she had made arrangemens to meet her maggot while I was at work and i was determined to fuck that up on her..
Afterwards, She said in a passing comment, "Wow, that is the best daylight sex i have had in ages"
My problem is this. My wife and i haven't had sex during the day time in a very long time. Probably about 8 years. what the hell is she talking about? did she slip up? or am I being paranoid?
Afterwards, I felt dirty and used. what the hell is going on here? Am I losing my mind?
I posted a while ago that I suspected my wife of 14 years was having an affair on me. All the usual red flags were there - all of them, but as yet, I still have no real proof that the affair actually existed. This has been going on for more than three years now,
Long story short,
It came to a head a couple of months ago, Accusations were thrown and heated words were exchanged after I caught her flirting with, and making doe eyes at a male co-worker. (he was and still is my prime suspect)
Shortly before this, and to his credit, this bloke approached me and asked me if I suspected him of having an affair with my wife. "because he felf a "vibe" coming from me (damn straight he did) and that he had been hearing rumours. - bullshit, I had never mentioned my suspicions to anyone there. We all work at the same place though I am in a different section.
I told him staight out of my suspicions and that if i ever got proof, two things would happen.
1. I would bury him.
2. I would tell his wife
not necissarily in that ordr.
This prick is a male slut, has cheated on his wife several times that I know of and even left her and their little child once for another woman. He is constantly hitting on all and sundry females at our work. Pretty much anyone with a pulse. Most of the women I talk to can't stand him because he is such a sleazy basterd. they all tell a similar story of his hitting on them. -You get the idea.
When I told him my intentions, the colour drained from his face and i think I saw real fear there.
When my wife and I had our strong words, she told me she was leaving. that it was all over etc etc and for once, my spine grew some bones and I said fine. Advised her of the reality that she had better see a lawyer because I allready had and that we should start packing the following day. We would both have to move out of our house, get the valuers in and start negotiations re a settlement because I was damned if I was just going to just walk away and give her anything without a fight.
For the first time in all our troubles, she actually broke down and cried and I left her to it..
The following morning, i was sitting by the computor when she came out and for the first time in three years, she initiated a sign of affection. (a little thing) She touched me affectionately on the arm as she walked past on her way to the bathroom. All my hard arse resolve melted and like the lap dog that I am, I also melted.
Shortly after this, things started to improve a bit and a couple of weeks later we went away on vacation. We did the whole romantic thing, staying is real nice places, rain forest cabins with spar and log fire etc etc, drank lots of wine, lots of eye contact, talked nicely a lot and even made love often and like we used to. It was bloody great! and I thought we were back on track.
At the end of the holliday, we returned home to work and reality and for a couple of weeks or so, things continued as they were while we were away. bloody brilliant! Lots of affection and cuddles, Lots of eye contact and plenty of great sex. I am a simple man - what can I say?
Over the past couple of weeks or so, I have noticed my wife gradually but surely pulling away from me. Less and less eye contact, finding excuses not to make love and rejecting affection and fearing that she was reverting back to her old nasty self, 4 nights ago I asked her if she was pulling away from me again. What was wrong? she said she didn't know.
Three nights ago, while I was cookng dinner, she came out and it was clear something was troubling her. she came into the kitchen and burst into tears and told me she just "can't live the lie anymore" that she no longer loves me that way that she used to or the way that I want her to. that I am a "good man" and that I deserve better.
This bloody gutted me and it seems clear to me that she is looking for an easy way out. She has broken my heart again, Just when the trust was starting to build and I thought we were making progress. i can't help myself from analysing everything she says and does looking for things to be suspicious of - again.
We had a calm, deep and meaningful discussion that night when all the time, I just wanted to smack her in the mouth. I have never struck a woman in my life and view any man who does with contempt and as being a coward.
The guts of the matter is that we are both in our 50's, though my wife looks much younger than her years (bitch) :)) and is still a VERY attractive woman. She is the most desireable woman I have ever met.. We are both comfortable in our home and are safe with each other. I told her this and tried to reason logically with her about why she would possibly want to throw it all away on some whim. I urged her to think rationally and that even if she is having an affair (which she denied) Does she think that any other man would put up with her radical mood swings, inconsistencies and all the other bullshit that i have - for as long as I have. It got ugly again. For the record, she is not menapausal..
Yesterday morning, i stayed home from work and we made love, and it was the best sex we have had in years, and the first daylight sex in much longer than that . I stayed home because I thought she had made arrangemens to meet her maggot while I was at work and i was determined to fuck that up on her..
Afterwards, She said in a passing comment, "Wow, that is the best daylight sex i have had in ages"
My problem is this. My wife and i haven't had sex during the day time in a very long time. Probably about 8 years. what the hell is she talking about? did she slip up? or am I being paranoid?
Afterwards, I felt dirty and used. what the hell is going on here? Am I losing my mind?
'Farewell Survival Kit, For You, my Shit"
Blondegal I love your work girl. Thank you! i am sitting here with a geniune smile on my face for the first time in ages.
The way you worded that, you could well be my sister!
Allmost all of what you said is the type of treatment she suffered at the hand of a litany of other men before me and I sometimes wonder if that is what she craves? Who the hell knows?
Thank you for the very kind words about my images. i am only a wannabe photographer and just do it for fun, but it has helped me enormously to appreciate the beauty that is all around us. The fact of this wonderfull world wide web thingy allowing me to share them is truly a bonus for me.
I took the liberty of perusing your profile just now andd I have to tell you that I think your husband is an idiot. Just look at you, Your are bloody gorgeous! and this half wit is running round behind your back with some slut - emotional or otherwise. He needs a smack in the mouth. I think he and my wife would make a perfect couple - hell they bloody DESERVE each other. LOL
Just a quick update,
She told me last night that it is definately over and that she will be moving out. Still no admissions. We spoke briefly about a "settlement" and I made my position very clear on that. She can take with her what is hers and leave the rest. We get the house and land valued and i give her half of the balance after the mortgage. At a quick guesstimate, I think I can cover that and be OK. I may have to work some overtime in the short term.
I am coping better than I thought I would be. Back soon.
Love to you Blondegirl
Make sure what you think you can do, is going to be reinforced. Be careful of sneaky people who do sneaky things! Many things change as the tides when you are at this point! Please protect yourself and get legal advice, and attorney, and just confirm what you think. I have read of cases where the cheater, wanted out, but also had the audacity to ask for the moon, as well, got mean & nasty, and expected way too much.
Hope you get some peace and quiet, and some rest!
Been "chatting" with Blondegal and got sidetracked LOL, What a lovely girl.
Where was I? Oh yeah, coping better than I thought, though I expect the day she actually moves out will be hard. This thread seems to have become my sort of unofficial journal LOL sorry about that, but it has just evolved that way.
There seems to be a level of acceptance here in me now. I don't know how best to describe it other than a sort of deadness of feeling and that, at least, is a relief.
I am thinking of getting another tattoo and will probably buy a Harley in the coming months and enjoy my own mid-life crisis LOL I haven't had a motorcycle since my wild young days and am feeling a strange need for some high speed, winding mountain roads again. Closest thing to flying that I can do now.
http://www.neilbank.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=7025
Mick, so now - the cards are all on the proverbial table. Outstanding. Who likes dealing with smokey rooms and hidden mirrors? I fully believe that we can all deal with what we have to - as long as we know what IT IS that is coming our way! "This is what I have to trudge thru, so be it..."
Man, I leave for a day or two and so much has happened. Sure, I had a great few days, but was wondering, in the back of my mind, what the hell is happening there? It's all unfolding now...and I was hoping you would have the clear answers, Mick, that you deserve.
Blondgal, I may need a co-pilot for this road trip. You up for it, girl? (somehow, I KNOW you are so in!)
Keep taking care of all of you!
L~
We''ll take turns. He can take you out on the river, while I commune with the aborigines, and then he and you can have a sweet picnic, on his handmade homemade canoe, which he will be sending home with you! You called first dibs, it's only fair.
All I want, is a miniature door with hinges, so I can save it, should I ever need it. Ya never know!!!
LStecker, don't know if Mick could handle 2 of us American outspoken women, all at once!!! He's in for an eye-opener!
Let's pack matching bikinis!!!!!
Come on down! There are plenty of rooms in this big old house. They will all be empty except for mine shortly (smile) and you both can stay for as long as you like - can put up with me. (smile) Just be gentle on this battle scarred old warrier. There are plenty of canoes and kayaks here and you each can take your pick. Likewise, still plenty of jobs for those willing to work.
Seriously, I consider you both very good friends now and should either of you ever come down this way, i would love for you to visit me.
I am sitting here, by the fire this morning, and trying to get ready for another day at my work.. You two have allready brightened my day immeasurably - thank you both!
Today is going to be a good day, I just KNOW it is. You both have made it so. Blessed Be ladies.
Love to you both,
Mick.
Aaaaah, so many beautiful women in the world - and only one lifetime to meet them all in. (smile)
We spoke at our work briefly tonight at our work before she had to go away to do another overtime shift.
The upshot of the conversation was that foolishly, i asked her if it would be OK to visit her in her new home. She replied "Yes of course - but not straight away I am not going to cut you out of my life completely, you know You'll still see me from time to time here at work too."
LIKE THAT IS SOME SORT OF FUCKING CONSOLATION!
I was again gutted by this after being so bloody good for a few days.
It seems she confided in a mutual friend at work the other night and i spoke with this friend myself tonight. We both love and trust this woman and she is very dear to both of us.
While she did not divulge what was discussed (and I wouldn't expect her to) it seems that Robin still loves me but her desire "to find herself" over-rides that love I still don't bloody know exactly what that means. Ladies, can you help me with this please? Robin convinced our friend that she is genuine anyway.
Who the hell knows? If true, the only interpretation I can put on this is that it is a basterd and selfish act. our friend and I had a very deep and meanigful and everything she said made perfect sense to me except the reasoning about this so called find your self bullshit. From a bloke's perspective, i just don''t bloody get it. if I could understand it, perhaps I could deal with it.
Holy hell, I am as depressed at the moment as I have ever been in my life. This is what has helped me before. ithink I may have posted it somewhere previously but I need this now.
Oh, Great Spirit, whose voice I hear in the wind,
Whose breath gives life to all the world.
Hear me; I need your strength and wisdom.
Let me walk in beauty, and make my eyes ever behold the red and purple sunset.
Make my hands respect the things you have made and my ears sharp to hear your voice
Make me wise so that I may understand the things you have taught my people.
Help me to remain calm and strong in the face of all that comes towards me.
Let me learn the lessons you have hidden in every leaf & rock.
Help me seek pure thoughts & act with the intention of helping others.
Help me find compassion without empathy overwhelming me.
I seek strength, not to be greater than my brother, but to fight my greatest enemy - Myself.
Make me always ready to come to you with clean hands and straight eyes.
So when life fades, as the fading sunset, my spirit may come to you without shame
pray for me please
mick
I got an email with a few nice quotes I wanted to share:
"The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us. "
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.....It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Wishing you a good day, see if you can get out with nature, commune a bit with those "winds", and hopefully take a few pictures to help you focus on the beauty in this lifetime.
Both of you have such powerful messages. The quotes almost moved me to tears. Thanks for sharing them.
Blondgal, anytime, anywhere, bikinis and kayaks...let's rock it!
Mick... this finding herself. (deep breath) Been there. But I call it 'defining myself'
Seems we women can get so terribly caught up in who we are as far as who we are connected to. 'I am so and so's wife' or 'so and so's daughter or grand daughter or mother...' We lose track of who we are as individuals and fail to put ourselves first while making sure we pursue our dreams and goals or ever HAVE them. For a long time, sure, I wanted to go back to school, for instance, but I kept waiting - because of the kids or whatever was happening with the H, or my family, or friends...I kept putting me on the back burner until I really could not see me anymore.
Where the hell did I go? What happened to ME? I was so running my life according to what every one else expected of me that I lost track of those things that I wanted out of life. 'Sure, I wanted to do this, but so and so said I shouldn't...'
Is this making sense?
Now, and after the divorce, I made the decision to define me as I wanted me defined. I went back to school and LOVE it. I find I love the challenge. I found the job I love driving my forklift and busting my ass every day. But more than anything, I have found that there really isn't all that much I can't do, if I set my mind on it. I have found some trust in me that I never really had.
Perhaps Robin needs to define herself a bit. Her heart still belongs to you, Mick, but she needs to be a complete person (she does not see herself as that now) on her own.
Perhaps, in doing that, and defining who she is to herself, she can freely come back to you a better person. I do remember you mentioning some abuse in her history. Maybe those issues need to be addressed inside her. Maybe they do haunt her. Maybe she needs to pull them out of her dark closet and kick the shit out of them once and for all, on her terms and on her own - she may need to be that empowered.
Just a guess on my part. Just supposing.
She may not cut you out of her life totally. Set your own terms on that. This is still touchy for me. Do I advise you to wait it out? Do I advise you to let her tackle her demons and stand by? Do I advise you to call it quits? Clearly, Mick, that is your call and I don't feel right telling you to do anything that contradicts what your heart needs to tell you to do. Those answers lie within you.
Potential road trips are exciting to me.
Still sending that support, L~
She has posed some very important questions from the woman's perspective, perhaps Robin's too.
If you feel so compelled, and comfortable in doing so, I would print out L's last post, contemplate those questions, and see if they may ring true. Can you think back where Robin was attempting to give you signs or clues about those questions. Did she get so wrapped up in her roles and "expectations" as she felt she was forced to, and follow them, instead of following her heart.
Perhaps she was happy at first, to do so, but later, it bothered her, and nagged on her more in time, until she had the nagging voice inside her rear it's ugly head of discontent, anger, frustration, and rebellion.
If possible, due to the years invested, I would highly consider, making an appointment with her, dinner, meeting, whatever....to discuss these topics, and L's specific questions. L is a gem, a genius, and a great heart of a woman! She has pearls of wisdom, .....ypu might want to consider picking up some of her pearls......and doing something with them. I think that you might feel a bloody lot better, knowing the answers to some of these questions.
You ask for honesty, search for it??? You'll most definitely get it here!!! Think about it, reread L's post, print it, and get ready for discussion. What have you got to lose? Bloody nothing!!!
Peace & serenity in your possible new endeavor. Keep that spine, keep searching for answers, L & I really don't want to have to go shopping for bikinis. I'm over 70 pounds heavier than her!
I guarantee, we won't look like twins. But we may sound like them!!!
You know, I really am just guessing here and thinking like a woman would when we say we need to find ourselves. Man, I didn't even really realize how lost I was to myself until this all went down. This divorce. This total upheaval into my very set and established life. When you lose everything, you tend to feel free to start over clean and be yourself...and only that. What else do you have?
Nothing.
Thanks for the compliment too. This is that place to continue the defining, isn't it? don't you find that? I hope Robin does find that WITH Mick. She can. It could happen. NO reason why not.
I hope she sees that, for Mick's sake.
L~
BTW, i loved the pics Mick.. :D
This morning was probably the worst of my life after another sleepless night.
So very tired now, I maaged to come to my work and attend an important interview. I hope I didn;t stuff it up too much. My work mate and my boss were towers of strength for me today.
I have my first session with a cousellor on Monday. This is a first for me but I know now that I need professional help.
L and Blondgal, I have indeed printed you post and will refer to it often. Wise words indeed.
My day is coming to a close now and as I am preparing to go home, I can't help but wonder if she will be there tonight, what the reception will be like if she is and what tomorrow has in store. It just has to be a better day than this one