Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
G'day guys,
I posted a while ago that I suspected my wife of 14 years was having an affair on me. All the usual red flags were there - all of them, but as yet, I still have no real proof that the affair actually existed. This has been going on for more than three years now,
Long story short,
It came to a head a couple of months ago, Accusations were thrown and heated words were exchanged after I caught her flirting with, and making doe eyes at a male co-worker. (he was and still is my prime suspect)
Shortly before this, and to his credit, this bloke approached me and asked me if I suspected him of having an affair with my wife. "because he felf a "vibe" coming from me (damn straight he did) and that he had been hearing rumours. - bullshit, I had never mentioned my suspicions to anyone there. We all work at the same place though I am in a different section.
I told him staight out of my suspicions and that if i ever got proof, two things would happen.
1. I would bury him.
2. I would tell his wife
not necissarily in that ordr.
This prick is a male slut, has cheated on his wife several times that I know of and even left her and their little child once for another woman. He is constantly hitting on all and sundry females at our work. Pretty much anyone with a pulse. Most of the women I talk to can't stand him because he is such a sleazy basterd. they all tell a similar story of his hitting on them. -You get the idea.
When I told him my intentions, the colour drained from his face and i think I saw real fear there.
When my wife and I had our strong words, she told me she was leaving. that it was all over etc etc and for once, my spine grew some bones and I said fine. Advised her of the reality that she had better see a lawyer because I allready had and that we should start packing the following day. We would both have to move out of our house, get the valuers in and start negotiations re a settlement because I was damned if I was just going to just walk away and give her anything without a fight.
For the first time in all our troubles, she actually broke down and cried and I left her to it..
The following morning, i was sitting by the computor when she came out and for the first time in three years, she initiated a sign of affection. (a little thing) She touched me affectionately on the arm as she walked past on her way to the bathroom. All my hard arse resolve melted and like the lap dog that I am, I also melted.
Shortly after this, things started to improve a bit and a couple of weeks later we went away on vacation. We did the whole romantic thing, staying is real nice places, rain forest cabins with spar and log fire etc etc, drank lots of wine, lots of eye contact, talked nicely a lot and even made love often and like we used to. It was bloody great! and I thought we were back on track.
At the end of the holliday, we returned home to work and reality and for a couple of weeks or so, things continued as they were while we were away. bloody brilliant! Lots of affection and cuddles, Lots of eye contact and plenty of great sex. I am a simple man - what can I say?
Over the past couple of weeks or so, I have noticed my wife gradually but surely pulling away from me. Less and less eye contact, finding excuses not to make love and rejecting affection and fearing that she was reverting back to her old nasty self, 4 nights ago I asked her if she was pulling away from me again. What was wrong? she said she didn't know.
Three nights ago, while I was cookng dinner, she came out and it was clear something was troubling her. she came into the kitchen and burst into tears and told me she just "can't live the lie anymore" that she no longer loves me that way that she used to or the way that I want her to. that I am a "good man" and that I deserve better.
This bloody gutted me and it seems clear to me that she is looking for an easy way out. She has broken my heart again, Just when the trust was starting to build and I thought we were making progress. i can't help myself from analysing everything she says and does looking for things to be suspicious of - again.
We had a calm, deep and meaningful discussion that night when all the time, I just wanted to smack her in the mouth. I have never struck a woman in my life and view any man who does with contempt and as being a coward.
The guts of the matter is that we are both in our 50's, though my wife looks much younger than her years (bitch) :)) and is still a VERY attractive woman. She is the most desireable woman I have ever met.. We are both comfortable in our home and are safe with each other. I told her this and tried to reason logically with her about why she would possibly want to throw it all away on some whim. I urged her to think rationally and that even if she is having an affair (which she denied) Does she think that any other man would put up with her radical mood swings, inconsistencies and all the other bullshit that i have - for as long as I have. It got ugly again. For the record, she is not menapausal..
Yesterday morning, i stayed home from work and we made love, and it was the best sex we have had in years, and the first daylight sex in much longer than that . I stayed home because I thought she had made arrangemens to meet her maggot while I was at work and i was determined to fuck that up on her..
Afterwards, She said in a passing comment, "Wow, that is the best daylight sex i have had in ages"
My problem is this. My wife and i haven't had sex during the day time in a very long time. Probably about 8 years. what the hell is she talking about? did she slip up? or am I being paranoid?
Afterwards, I felt dirty and used. what the hell is going on here? Am I losing my mind?
I posted a while ago that I suspected my wife of 14 years was having an affair on me. All the usual red flags were there - all of them, but as yet, I still have no real proof that the affair actually existed. This has been going on for more than three years now,
Long story short,
It came to a head a couple of months ago, Accusations were thrown and heated words were exchanged after I caught her flirting with, and making doe eyes at a male co-worker. (he was and still is my prime suspect)
Shortly before this, and to his credit, this bloke approached me and asked me if I suspected him of having an affair with my wife. "because he felf a "vibe" coming from me (damn straight he did) and that he had been hearing rumours. - bullshit, I had never mentioned my suspicions to anyone there. We all work at the same place though I am in a different section.
I told him staight out of my suspicions and that if i ever got proof, two things would happen.
1. I would bury him.
2. I would tell his wife
not necissarily in that ordr.
This prick is a male slut, has cheated on his wife several times that I know of and even left her and their little child once for another woman. He is constantly hitting on all and sundry females at our work. Pretty much anyone with a pulse. Most of the women I talk to can't stand him because he is such a sleazy basterd. they all tell a similar story of his hitting on them. -You get the idea.
When I told him my intentions, the colour drained from his face and i think I saw real fear there.
When my wife and I had our strong words, she told me she was leaving. that it was all over etc etc and for once, my spine grew some bones and I said fine. Advised her of the reality that she had better see a lawyer because I allready had and that we should start packing the following day. We would both have to move out of our house, get the valuers in and start negotiations re a settlement because I was damned if I was just going to just walk away and give her anything without a fight.
For the first time in all our troubles, she actually broke down and cried and I left her to it..
The following morning, i was sitting by the computor when she came out and for the first time in three years, she initiated a sign of affection. (a little thing) She touched me affectionately on the arm as she walked past on her way to the bathroom. All my hard arse resolve melted and like the lap dog that I am, I also melted.
Shortly after this, things started to improve a bit and a couple of weeks later we went away on vacation. We did the whole romantic thing, staying is real nice places, rain forest cabins with spar and log fire etc etc, drank lots of wine, lots of eye contact, talked nicely a lot and even made love often and like we used to. It was bloody great! and I thought we were back on track.
At the end of the holliday, we returned home to work and reality and for a couple of weeks or so, things continued as they were while we were away. bloody brilliant! Lots of affection and cuddles, Lots of eye contact and plenty of great sex. I am a simple man - what can I say?
Over the past couple of weeks or so, I have noticed my wife gradually but surely pulling away from me. Less and less eye contact, finding excuses not to make love and rejecting affection and fearing that she was reverting back to her old nasty self, 4 nights ago I asked her if she was pulling away from me again. What was wrong? she said she didn't know.
Three nights ago, while I was cookng dinner, she came out and it was clear something was troubling her. she came into the kitchen and burst into tears and told me she just "can't live the lie anymore" that she no longer loves me that way that she used to or the way that I want her to. that I am a "good man" and that I deserve better.
This bloody gutted me and it seems clear to me that she is looking for an easy way out. She has broken my heart again, Just when the trust was starting to build and I thought we were making progress. i can't help myself from analysing everything she says and does looking for things to be suspicious of - again.
We had a calm, deep and meaningful discussion that night when all the time, I just wanted to smack her in the mouth. I have never struck a woman in my life and view any man who does with contempt and as being a coward.
The guts of the matter is that we are both in our 50's, though my wife looks much younger than her years (bitch) :)) and is still a VERY attractive woman. She is the most desireable woman I have ever met.. We are both comfortable in our home and are safe with each other. I told her this and tried to reason logically with her about why she would possibly want to throw it all away on some whim. I urged her to think rationally and that even if she is having an affair (which she denied) Does she think that any other man would put up with her radical mood swings, inconsistencies and all the other bullshit that i have - for as long as I have. It got ugly again. For the record, she is not menapausal..
Yesterday morning, i stayed home from work and we made love, and it was the best sex we have had in years, and the first daylight sex in much longer than that . I stayed home because I thought she had made arrangemens to meet her maggot while I was at work and i was determined to fuck that up on her..
Afterwards, She said in a passing comment, "Wow, that is the best daylight sex i have had in ages"
My problem is this. My wife and i haven't had sex during the day time in a very long time. Probably about 8 years. what the hell is she talking about? did she slip up? or am I being paranoid?
Afterwards, I felt dirty and used. what the hell is going on here? Am I losing my mind?
When a woman tells you the things she is telling you - her mind is pretty much made up. We don't make those types of statements lightly - trust me. And you know what they say - you can't force a person to love you. Or, as I prefer, you can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make it think.
Remove the affair from the equation for a moment if you can, take at least three gigantic steps away from the situation - and do your own review of the relationship. Do you want to be with someone, who has stated that she doesnt want to be with you?
Pretty is as pretty does too - all the beauty or attractiveness in the world won't guarantee you a strong, faithful, long term partner.
You sound like a decent bloke. Start thinking about what you want -and what is acceptable to you in a partner.
Good luck.
Red Flag here!!! Why would his face drain in fear if nothing happened??
Then let her out. Maybe you two need to separate. This may or may not have anything to do with someone else.... but I think she has made it clear she's no longer in it for whatever reason.
And unfortunately:
"Does she think that any other man would put up with her radical mood swings, inconsistencies and all the other bullshit that i have - for as long as I have. It got ugly again. For the record, she is not menapausal.."
Yeah, some man would.
- Now that's a good one!
"Yeah, some man would. "
- right, until the next easy piece of ass comes his way, that is...
Mick - a lot of people say this - "that sounds just like my..." and I hate to say it too, but it does. - the vacation, the feeling like we made it through and I was just going to put those suspicions behind me, the behavior starting up again, all of it....and all due to her having an "on again, off again" long-term affair. Even spoiling her plans to meet the guy - been there, done that too. I sent him my seconds once...
From my personal experience with this situation, I can only say that it's been about 4 years since I was where you are to today, and...
Trying to work things out after something like this has not made me any happier. If it weren't for the children, I'd just walk away. She made a mess of me, of our marriage, our family (for a while), and most of all, herself. She really screwed herself up emotionally and I'm stuck dealing with that as well, because most of the time she chooses not to. If anything, I think we are just a constant reminder to each other of what happened. I think she's cheated again recently, and I don't care any more - and that to me is worse than anything - not caring.
But then, this is what happens when you set out to save your marriage to a woman who gave up on it long ago, and who in time you come to understand has only stayed because she didn't want to give up the financial freedom, the creature comforts, or face the way friends and family would look at her when they started to find out why the two of us split up. She didn't want the struggle, because she's ruined two good careers by not being able to keep her pants on, and her earning potential is now about half of what it used to be as a result.
And now? It seems like no matter how much better other things in my life get, I still come home to this person who is on the surface just a sad reminder of who she once was. I still see that person inside of her. Sometimes that just makes it harder for me to look at her.
You know her. Do you believe that she is done? Could she have faked all the love she showed you when you believed that you were both working to heal your marriage?
Yes, you can keep your hope or you can walk away. It's all up to you. But I believe that you know her better than anyone - and based on that - you already have the answer to what you need to do.
Take care and sending support.
2. Leave!! May seem VERY difficult at first, however, after around a month or so, you will slowly start getting over it and in a few months, you will feel better (this would be my option if my wife would make no efforts from her side).
It doesn't mean you should have no contact with your wife. If things do improve between you, you can get back later (very low probability as per me).
I side with your suspicions.
I will try to answer them all but please forgive me if I miss someone. My head is a freaking mess at the moment.
Hi Copingjust, She hasn't been "in" this relationship for more than three years now and i hear you about her mind being made up. I think I am still in denial.
My comments about her looks were more to highlight how attractive she is to other men. I really couldn't give a rats arse what she looks like. I love the woman and often wish she were less attractive.
How can i remove the affair from the equation? The very thought of her grunting and sweating under another man and enjoying him the way she should be enjoying me is like a cancer in my gut.
At the moment, I am like a bloody hand grenade - ready to detonate at the slightest provocation.
I told her to go this morning if that is really what she wants and i think I made it pretty clear that if she does, there will be no coming back. I don't think I would survive a repeat of this.
My friend, I know what I want in a life partner. I also know that there is no shortage of single and/or seperated women out there who would jump at the opportunity to have a loyal, generous and attentive man who would treat them like a queen. My needs are simple, honesty, integrity and loyalty. Someone I can trust who will not treat me with contempt. Great sex would be a bonus. :)) any sex would do.
Yes, I do consider myself to be a pretty decent bloke but at the moment, the temptation is strong to turn into an arsehole.
G'day Eviser 8d
My thoughts exactly mate.
This maggot has no idea of the danger he is in.
Hy BetrayedAngel,
Catching her would help my peace of mind is all. Then I could have closure. I think the certain knowledge instead of suspicion would be enough to turn my love into hatred and would thus make it easier for me to make the decisions and take the actions I need to.
Avien, Yet another insightful and superb post mate. Thank you!
I agree with everything you said.
Hi Lstecker,
Yes I do know this woman or i think I do. I believe she is having an affair and that she has fallen in love with this other man. I also believe that she lacks the courage to be completely honest with herself and me in that she does indeed want the comfort and security that i offer but she also wants the excitement of her sordid little other life.
I have calmed down some while writing this post. Just being able to vent here is a huge help for me. After the initial gutting of a few days ago, my strenght is returning and with it a sort of new coldness is coming to the fore. This is new for me.
I just put her to bed. She is on night shift at the moment and on the surface, I was still the doting husband that she is so used to but all the while, I was really some other calculating basterd, coolly assessing and my mind seems to be recovering some of its original analytical capabilities.
I have made it clear to her tghat the door is open. She can walk out anytime she damn well likes. If she does, there will be no coming back and that we will never be friends. I have loved her way to completely to ever accept her friendship.
The pain and outrage is receding some and being replaced with cold anger. I think vengeance will be my friend here. This goose has laid its last golden egg for her.
Hi Raj2786
She has repeatedly refused to go to counselling and i see little point in asking her again. She will admit to nothing.
Hi Boyd52,
Thank you my dear friend.
P.S. I just found an "In private" button has been added to this computor - interesting.
If she is out, she's out - good idea to let her go. At this stage - it's all about you - and what will get you through the coming nights and weeks.
One other thing - if she's fallen in love with this guy, as you suspect, and he is married and a bit of a slime bag - she is in for her own world of hurt. You won't have to do anything, but stand back and watch.
And think of all the sympathy all those single, loyal women will be thinking you need.........:)
Thank you for taking the time to reply again..
No, I am not going to do anything silly,
re the leylogger and sim card reader - any idea where I would get these in Australia please?.
Yes, I know the woman is living in a fantasy world at the moment. She knows I am suspicious but she thinks I am still the simpering little maggot I was a while ago.
I have done what I can to protect my interests as best as I can. i think that she thought that if she continued to treat me badly enough - for long enough, i would just move out and give her everything. Hell will freeze over first.
She is the one wanting out, She can piss off and the moment she does, the locks will be changed. In the meantime, if she wants to live in a cold and hostile environment then so be it. Two can play that game now.
For some reason, and I don't know why, I feel she may come around.
L~
All and any advice is most welcome - thank you and thanks also for the very kind words.
This thing has taken a hell of a toll on me allready. My friends tell me I have aged 10 years in the last three. My hair has gone completely grey and my age old enemy - depression comes and goes.
I think I might be now past the all encompassing grief and self pity thing. Now, it is more outrage - but cold and angry.
She has set out to systematically unman and undermine me. She stole my dignity and treated me with utter contempt when All I have ever done is love and support her - allways.
I think she might come round too but the way I feel right now, It better be soon.
I fear that I am turning bitter.
http://www.google.co.in/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hs=TbG&q=sim.card.reader+%2B%22australia%22&btnG=Search&meta=&aq=f&oq=
Australian Sim Card Readers (most probably... ending with ".au")
http://www.google.co.in/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hs=kJb&q=site%3A.au+sim.card.reader+%2Baustralia&btnG=Search&meta=&aq=f&oq=
http://www.google.co.in/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hs=EfG&q=site%3A.au+sim+card+reader&btnG=Search&meta=&aq=f&oq=
I don't see much difference in the results. Mr.Gadget seems most popular.
As for keyloggers, the softwares ones can usually be delivered as a package. Alternatively, they can be downloaded online and a key will be emailed to you so that you can unlock the program (after installation). its a safer option. No one else will know.
Topic on keyloggers: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Infidelity/forum/6832597-keyloggers
You may find them at Mr.Gadget too.
You know, I didn't really think of harming my ex when I came to know the truth. It's like, once I came to know the truth, it was so much easier to kick her out of my life and just enjoy myself!! :)
If you feel yourself struggling even after a few weeks, just leave her.. get a new house, keep the communication with her to minimum and just do things you would like to do.. :))
Hell, if you let my imagination run wild, I would suggest you to start dating 6 months from now.. However, lets just deal with the things at present. The future will take care of it.. :D
(If nothing works out, hire an investigator if costs permit.)
(isn't Raj a hoot? He always comes thru with the computer stuff. Count on him.)
Yes, this all takes it's toll, doesn't it. The hair gets greyer, the weight we struggled to lose just falls off our bodies, and that depression? Been there myself. Depression is a beast, isn't it?
But...the getting bitter. That one is the easy one to slide into. Without even realizing it. The heart turns so bitter. It's something worth fighting against, Mick.
Have to tell you that my sister gave me that ultimate challenge during my divorce. "Do not lose your capacity to love. Do not lose your ability to keep your big heart." It was her highest challenge. Now, she died shortly after issuing her words of wisdom. Surgery complications and very tragic. We all believe that she knew she would not survive and gave all these 'gifts' to those she cared about. This 'gift' was what she gave me - this challenge. To keep loving. She knew I would need to be reminded - or run the risk of shutting down completely.
On that note, Mick, I guess I am passing that gift along to you. That challenge. As hard as you work to get thru this - with whatever resolution comes - don't shut down. Don't stop loving.
Some good advice from my sister to me to you.
L~
O.k., enough of the ass-kissing. Truly though, I'd only like to agree with most that if your W is not in it fully, then what more is there for you to do? Get on with getting on and look to the future, that's what I say. It's time for tough love and a cold shoulder. Maybe sometime down the road, when your W or ex-W is in the land of the lost, she'll wake up and say to herself, "what the F... did I just throw away?" Then it'd be up to you, based on where you are in your 'new' life, if you'd ever consider having her back in your life.
I wish you nothing but the best.
-TheRule