princess532

Activity

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  Posted by: princess532

  Posted: 05/29/2007

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  ok so today is just like any other day.  just tryin' to figure out what the hell i can do to keep myself busy until this day passes. kind of seems pointless because, what the hell am I ever leading up to?

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  Title

  Posted by: princess532

  Posted: 05/29/2007

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  well, today was busy so I wasn't thinking about myself.  Now I just feel selfish... am I too wrapped up in myself?  It really makes me feel better knowing there are people who struggle like I do. 

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  Posted by: princess532

  Posted: 05/29/2007

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  So this is really weird.  I feel very comforted since finding this site, but I feel like I've joined a secret society of outcasts and pariahs.  It's like some underground meeting for me when I get on this site because if the people I'm with knew what is wrong with me, they would totally change to me. These two concepts are driving me nuts because i'm totally comforted in one instance and then depressed and alone in the next moment because I know I'm alone.  I'm kind of manic right now and...

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  Posted by: princess532

  Posted: 06/25/2007

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  Well, I haven't been here for a little while.  I'm really confused more than anything else.  All I want is someone to believe me.  I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced mental illness will really understand, but they could at least believe me.

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  Posted by: princess532

  Posted: 06/25/2007

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  I have been so manic lately and now I just dropped.  All shit just hit the fan and exploded all over everything.  I was driving home thinking about the different things I was doing that seemed like mania (grinding my teeth, racing thoughts, crazy eating patterns) and then I just dropped.  My muscles felt like I took a muscle relaxer, my eyes drooped, my heart started racing and my breathing became painful.  What the fuck is the matter with me.  So, I'm here with this family for the summer...

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  Title

  Posted by: princess532

  Posted: 06/26/2007

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  Well, I could not wake up this morning.  I finally did and immediately started crying.  Nothing is wrong in my situation, but I am feeling so lost and empty.  My heart hurts really bad and it hurts to breath.  My stomach feels like it's full of earthworms.  I can't eat.  Just yesterday and the day before, I was eating everything in sight. I was full of energy.  Last night I was doing sit ups, push ups and gymnastics moves with an eight year old.  I really just want to lay in someone's...

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  Posted by: princess532

  Posted: 06/26/2007

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  Well, i finally scheduled a dr. appointment.  I'm afraid to go because I don't want to admit that my brain isn't normal. I've always felt like if everyone could just keep up with me then the world would be o.k. But sometimes, of course, I feel like if I could just disappear the world would be better.  The medicine will make my life more successful, but will I just be falling into what everyone else wants me to become.  I don't want to live my life to just be what everyone thinks I should...

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  Posted by: princess532

  Posted: 06/27/2007

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  Well, these stupid motha' fucka's think I'm making it up.  I don't know why I'm on such a journey to get these fuckers to believe me.  They think I just went to the doctor to get more attention.  I didn't even tell them anything about.  They found out that I was going to a mental health clinic and started asking questions.  Otherwise I would have never spoken.  How can they think I'm doing it for attention when I tried to run away from them?  They don't think I have a problem.  Why...

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  Posted by: princess532

  Posted: 06/27/2007

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  I'm learning that my thoughts and my brain are two different things.  Maybe there is a difference between who I am and what I have.  Maybe there isn't anything wrong with the way I think.  I guess treating my illness will not 'treat' my thought process.  It is so hard to pull the two things apart.  Just like having cancer doesn't make the person bad or wrong, bipolar doesn't make me bad or wrong.  I know I feel this, but I just wish everyone else could get even a little bit of this. 

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  Title

  Posted by: princess532

  Posted: 06/28/2007

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  Well, I was supposed to see the dr on July 18, but the therapist I saw on the initial visit said was in the middle of a manic episode and needed to see the dr asap, so they put me on a cancellation list and I get to go tomorrow.  I've been reading a lot about how it is such a neurological and chemical disorder and not just something I can think my way out of.  Plus the therapist said I experience permanent brain damage to some extent each time I experience mania or depression.  Now I really...

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  Posted by: princess532

  Posted: 06/29/2007

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  Well, i think i'm going to bed soon.  i just really hope I can handle what the doc says to me tomorrow. i was really shocked when the therapist said i was manic. i mean, I know I am but I tried really hard to cover it up to see what would happen and he noticed anyway. so now I'm kina wondering if there is more to this than I thought. well, i think i'm gonna shower and read myself to sleep. i just want this madness to end.

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  Title

  Posted by: princess532

  Posted: 06/29/2007

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  So, I got my meds. I'm anxious to see what it's like to be and feel normal.  But it seems like a part of me is already missing.  For quite a while now it seems like this disease has defined my life.  I'm afraid I won't know how to be normal.  What if my normal mind isn't fit for this world??

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  Posted by: princess532

  Posted: 06/29/2007

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  i'm so confused. i won't have these moods anymore... i won't have these thoughts. it's like i'm going to have to totally learn how to live again. i won't cry at billboards... i won't get irritated at nothing because everyone around me is too slow... no more tears for something i can't figure out... i know it won't happen immediately, but when it does even out my life will be totally different. i've learned to live with and work around my symptoms... a symptom free life... what's that? it always...

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  Posted by: princess532

  Posted: 06/30/2007

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  I am so tired. i took my first dose of zyprexa and lactimil last night. i feel heavy and tired. i don't want to feel this way. i hope i get used to this and don't feel like this all the time. i feel dizzy.  it's kinda like for the past three months this mania has really worn out my body and now it's all catching up to me.

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  Title

  Posted by: princess532

  Posted: 07/05/2007

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  Goo Goo Dolls said it perfectly with Iris.  "I don't want the world to see me, 'cuz I don't think that they'd understand."  I am so fucking phony.  I laugh in the face of men, but cry in the face of God. Pretending isn't my thing.  I don't want to be a fuckin' actress.  Acting ain't my thing. Fuck this place, this world, this stupid fuckin' life.  Today is just a day. Another day to cry, another day to give up. I quit.