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Well, I could not wake up this morning. I finally did and immediately started crying. Nothing is wrong in my situation, but I am feeling so lost and empty. My heart hurts really bad and it hurts to breath. My stomach feels like it's full of earthworms. I can't eat. Just yesterday and the day before, I was eating everything in sight. I was full of energy. Last night I was doing sit ups, push ups and gymnastics moves with an eight year old. I really just want to lay in someone's lap and have my hair played with. But I'm all alone. I want to have someone to hold until this pain subsides. I just don't want to be alone, but I need to be with someone I trust. Damn, I sound awfully selfish.
Replies
It\'s ok to feel like that. Sometimes when everything around me is going perfect i still feel shitty because im always expecting the worst to happen. Like things are too good and it\'s not going to last. I\'m here if u need to talk.
I have some recent journal entries (in my paper journal) when I\'m manic and I can\'t even enjoy my high times because I know they are just \'fake\'. I know my happiness and energy only comes from illness. It seems like all my creativity and thoughts aren\'t really me, they are just a deformity of my brain. Now I just feel like I never really knew who I was to begin with. Everything I\'ve ever known has been this damn illness. Does that sound really messed up or do you ever get that way?