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Well, I was supposed to see the dr on July 18, but the therapist I saw on the initial visit said was in the middle of a manic episode and needed to see the dr asap, so they put me on a cancellation list and I get to go tomorrow.  I've been reading a lot about how it is such a neurological and chemical disorder and not just something I can think my way out of.  Plus the therapist said I experience permanent brain damage to some extent each time I experience mania or depression.  Now I really want to go on medicine because I realize this won't get better on its own.  I know nobody believes me, but once I go through these initial visits and paperwork, I won't need to take off work and I wont be getting as many calls from the office and stuff and I hope things will get back to normal. Insha Allah.  I just really want to educate people about what it really means to have a mental illness.  I'm kind of afraid of being 'normal'.  I'm afraid I use this illness as a crutch too much.  I use it as an excuse sometimes when I do really off the wall stuff.  The only thing that keeps me positive is that once I'm controlling the illness (instead of it controlling me), I won't be doing such off the wall things.  Then I won't need the excuses.  I'm kind of excited to see what the rest of the world feels like.  I'm excited to find out what it feels like to feel sadness and not depression, to be happy and not manic.  The ups and downs will be there but they just won't be extreme.  Maybe I can handle that.