Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Cut-and-Paste post from tooday's
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
Wolf's Daily Howl
Greetings Readers and Posters ----
I said Thursday I'd talk more about injury, over the weekend.
I'm going to shift sideways, slightly, and talk about Couples Counseling in the context of an intervention for an abusive relationship.
[1] Couples counseling are trained to start from the presumption of an even playing field, which of course, is not the case, in an abusive relationship.
[2] Few couples counselors are trained to recognize emotional abuse. Fewer counselors know how to intervene safely and effectively.
[3] A slick manipulator will con and control most therapists.
[4] When the target/victim in an abusive relationship brings a complaint, if the therapist misses the gravity and rolls over the complaint, the abuser gets much-coveted validation.
[5] If the therapist misses the point, the target/victim may be abused a second time, in the session, by either the abuser or the therapist.
[6] If the target/victim is admonished by the therapist, the abuser gets much-coveted validation BIG TIME.
[7] Whether or not the therapist has admonished the target/victim, the target/victim is likely to be abused again after the session, as punishment for bringing up the point or complain to the therapist in the session. This punishment can range from the silent treatment to rage to mortal threat.
[8] Knowledge is power. Inherent in the way therapy works in session, whatever the target/victim reveals within the session becomes a tool for the abuser to use against the target/victim later, at home. This can be any piece of information, small or significant.
[9] The abuser will pick up whatever issue the therapist focuses on that the target/victim may need to work on, as evidence that the target/victim is the problem. Later at home, this will be hammered upon endlessly, and will become the subsequent point of all sessions.
[10] The abuser will learn the terminology and buzz words of therapy. The abuser will then use them constantly to make his/her point and position against the target/abuser.
[11] If the therapist urges the abuser to go home and express his/her emotions more openly, the target/victim is likely to experience an increased torrent of abuse around the abusers complaints.
[12] The abuser is likely to latch onto a small issue brought up in therapy, change him/herself for the better, in relation to that small issue, and then point to that small change as evidence of good faith and more to come. The small change for the better was, in fact, an insincere token change.
[13] The abuser will forever-after point to his/her participation in couples therapy, even if just once, as proof that s/he cares about the relationship and has done what s/he could to save it. S/he may even say things like: I've been to therapy and I'm fixed.
These are my reservations about couples counseling as an intervention in the context of an abusive relationship. Have I left any out?
IW
(material copyrighted 2008 Healing Wolf Tracks)
'we don't have marriage problems, YOU have problems'
I will go with you once you have sorted your problems out
We don't need to consult an 'expert', we can work it out between us
And the silliest: ' if we involve a stranger in our marriage we won't have the emotional intimacy that we would if we worked it out ourselves'
Twenty years and we haven't been able to work it out ourselves..
I wanted to go to a counsellor so I would have a safe place to talk thru issues without it dissolving into him lecturing me and yelling at
me
Seems as though I am dreaming...
Or, he would be nice the day before the session so he could say he's changing.
He also would tell friends and family that he was the one going to counseling but i wouldnt just to confirm that i am the problem.
When ever any counselor started to challenge him then we suddenly had to change counselors or we couldnt afford it anymore.
This is why I'm looking into getting my Masters, because counseling sucks, it just perpetuates this horrible abuse cycle we all have lived in. Hopefully I caan be one of those counselors who "gets it".
I don't know how she NOT see that!
She was an idiot and only confused things more.That man was NOT for me and if she had been a good therapist the only thing she would have said is "Why are you with someone like him?!!"...........
Be CAREFUL of councelours, VERY CAREFUL.
I feel the need to vent this.
I wish i had told her then "YOU get into a realtionship with a guy that has the IQ of room temerature, that eats with his hands, that has no class whatsoever, you LOWER yourself to much less thn you deserve, just because i guy really like you doesn't mean he is right for you!"................
Wht n idiot that therapist was.I did not know we were suppossed to get in relationships by default.Just with any guy that likes us.
wow.
There was nothing about the guy i liked, nothing.
Looking back she just wasted our time, mine and his.
Because for me the answer was "you don't even like this guy" and for him it would have been "find a woman that likes you the way you like them, she doesn't".
Instead she tried to keep us together for what?? .........................nothing.To waste our time.
Guess what I found out? I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship with the most stupid man my therapist had ever encountered. (Her exact words). It takes two people to want to make a marriage work. I wasn't responsible for everything that was wrong nor could I alone fix it.
What an eye opener. He had pushed me down and made me crazy for so long I had completely lost myself. No wonder why I was so unhappy. That's when I decided to leave.
Counseling saved my life. Couples counseling would have completely ruined it.
Thanks Ilene for this thread. Your wisdom is a gift for all of us.
to a thread to move it from wherever it is,
upward in the pile, so someone who may
benefit from reading it, sees it.